Support Forum

 

graphics-welcome-859433
To all new visitors! Welcome!!
You have found a great group of supportive people who have all been through what you are going through and understand completely the devastation you are feeling.
You are NOT crazy and you are not to blame, you are in a relationship or just left a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. You are not alone. Come as often as you like to vent, ask questions, cry, and get support and encouragement.
All I ask is that everyone is respectful of each other’s opinions and understands that most everyone here are at a heightened emotional state. While with the narcissist the victim lived with constant trauma, drama and were told constantly that they were wrong to feel what they were feeling and that they were flawed in some way; it makes sense they are very sensitive to criticism. 
Opinions are just that, if someone has a different opinion than you it doesn’t mean someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to voice an opinion.
I may have an opinion you don’t agree with and I am more than willing to back up whatever I say, so feel free to question me and I will explain why I feel the way I do. Not to convince you I am right but to explain why I feel the way I do and maybe I will give you some information you didn’t know before. Or maybe you will enlighten me. An exchange of ideas is healthy and how we learn. 
Just remember, narcissists are basically all the same but the victims are as different as people can be, we all have our own history and frame of reference. Please respect that!
Hugs
Carrie

8,714 thoughts on “Support Forum

  1. Blaspie

    The silence is still deafening. Before this happened me and him planned to go to a fancy dinner this weekend. Clearly not happening, but I’m going to treat myself to dinner instead. Hope that it doesnt depress me.

    Like

    Reply
    1. ashley

      Order the tastiest thing on the menu. Try to enjoy your dinner out. I think I’ll treat myself this weekend too, that is a good idea.

      Like

      Reply
    2. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Blaspie, why were you going for a nice dinner with him anyway?
      Not giving you shit or anything but until you cut him from your life he is going to continue hurting you and the longer you stay there is just prolonging your pain and delaying your healing.

      Like

      Reply
      1. Blaspie

        We pre plan it. I get a bonus every 2 months at work and usually he finds some way to figure out how I should take him out or get him something because he’s “been so good to me.” So this was pre-planned over a month ago. It sounds so stupid now, but like clockwork he would always suggest I do something when he knew a commission check was coming around. I’m going to go by myself

        Like

        Reply
        1. ashley

          Argh he was so selfish. I’m getting angry on your behalf.

          Dress up, take yourself out for the best dinner ever, have fun and rediscover who you are. I need to take my own advice and do the same. Sometimes I need a reminder that the “real me” is still in there.

          Like

          Reply
  2. Natz

    I feel a sense of comfort after reading this blog. I still have lots to catch up on. I have been married a N for 7 years and just recently found out what type of person he is. All these years I tried my best like most of us to fix things. I would even take the shirt off my back to help him and he would continue to kick me to the curb. And I still went back until I finally was told he is a N. It is really difficult since I have just moved out. All the mixed emotion just as Carrie had written. But I am praying that I have the strength to face each day as it comes. And I am also in hope that this blog will help me. Thank you Carrie for creating this and I am praying for all the people that are in relationships with a N.

    Like

    Reply
    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Natz, welcome!! I am glad you found my blog! There are a lot of really good supportive people here who will help you through the confusing and painful times as you try to get your head around what has happened to you.
      I try to reply to everyone’s comments bUT can’t always, usually there is someone who will reply so do reach out, we all care.
      There are over a thousand post’s on here. I encourage you to read as much as possible to educate yourself on narcs and prepare yourself for what’s to come.
      They all seem to follow the same MO, like they got a Narcissist Handbook.
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

      Reply
  3. ashley

    A funny thought I have almost on a daily basis when talking to him, “Can you stop being abusive just for one minute?” lol. Of course I never say it.

    Like

    Reply
  4. ashley

    I’m thinking about all the times he hurt me, I foolishly spoke up, and he accused me of “attacking” him. I would end up apologizing all over the place, he would give me a big long lecture on all my flaws in order to divert blame from himself, and once I broke down in tears, he would tell me I’m crazy and unstable. I would end up feeling ashamed and guilty, which is what he should have been feeling for hurting me in the first place. He cleverly escaped blame, didn’t have to apologize, and heaped all the guilt on me. It would leave me confused and with my head spinning for days. Sadly, this is the least of his cruelty, it went far beyond this.

    Like

    Reply
    1. James Peoples

      They dont take blame. When he punched me at a dinner party in front of people, it was my fault because i made a joke. When he dragged me out of bed, I didnt clean his dishes. shen he choke slammed me, he felt threatened.

      Like

      Reply
  5. Natalie Pillay

    I am still learning about narcs. I am so glad to have found this blog and know that there is so many out there that can relate to me. I can tell my friend get tired of listening to me so they change the subject. I feel so alone and torn. There are days I pray God will take me away from this cruel world. I am not suicidial but my heart aches. He was married before and has 2 kids. He constantly blames me for things that does not exist. His ex is more like his current wife and he makes me feel like I am his ex. He constantly abandoned me then turns around and blames me. He admits he is selfish but I strongly believe he thrives on what he does. The most horrible experience is when I found out he asked his ex to help him take revenge on me because I sent him separation papers. Tells me I put a wegde between him and his kids yet he spends more time out of the house rather than with me. But instead of me thinking about the bad he did to me, all I can think of is the few happy times we had together and that kills me and I feel like I could go back. I know it will never be successful since he is older than me, brings me down and has nothing to offer ie financially and affectionately. I am hoping that as I continue to read and relate to everyone on this blog that I will soon be set free from his clutches.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. ashley

      You can live a much happier life without him. It’s easy to think about the few good times, but they are too few and far between. You said you believe he thrives on what he does – you are totally right. They are all like this, they thrive on our pain.

      Don’t go back. I did, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Now I am suffering more than I thought imaginable.

      Like

      Reply
      1. Natalie Pillay

        Thanks for the encouragement Ashley. Like all others I cant wait for all this pain to go away. It cuts through like a knife. I can’t begin the explain the roller coaster of emotions. I would give anything right now for me to erase these memories.

        Like

        Reply
        1. ashley

          I’ve thought the same many times – that I would give anything to erase the memories. It’s so hard…but there is a better life awaiting us once we move past the pain.

          Like

          Reply
          1. Natz

            I believe there is. Today has been such a bad day for me. Anger is raging inside me and I just want to tell him exactly what I feel about him and how evil he is. I also believe that what they do to us is pure evil. No person with a heart would continue to hurt like they do and feel nothing about it. My stomach is in knots right now.

            Like

            Reply
            1. ashley

              I agree that it’s evil. It feels so unfair and frustrating that there is little we can do about it. But in the end, living well and being free is the only thing that matters. My ultimate goal is indifference, to not care one way or another about him. He doesn’t deserve to take up space in my brain.

              Like

              Reply
              1. Natz

                I agree with you. In of no use that he is occupying space in our brain that could be utilized for something more valuable. Argh these downers we face from time to time is so draining. And to think they dont have an inkling of shame and regret to all they have caused us.

                Like

                Reply
            2. Carrie Reimer Post author

              Natz, that is exactly the problem
              A person with a heart would not do what the narcissist does.
              If you had been with a normal healthy person you would not have been searching on the Internet looking for answers. Would you?
              You have answered your own question. They hurt you because they are a narcissist, they do not have empathy, a conscience, or suffer guilt. In fact they get off on your pain.
              To get angry and yell at them would only feed their ego because they would know you still care.
              They don’t care what emotion you have towards them, they just like the control they have over you to make you feel anything.
              You MUST stop thinking of him as a normal person. It keeps you on a vicious cycle where you will never find closure, answers or healing.
              Your insistence on viewing him as a normal person kept you in the relationship, you know the truth now, now you can start to heal and stop expecting him to ever give you what you need.
              He is like an alien using a human body, he can act like a human but he isn’t and never will be. End of story.

              Like

              Reply
              1. Natalie Pillay

                You are so right Carrie. Im constantly trying to switch thoughts but its like I have a dark cloud following me. At times I think he is just pretending to be a narc so he can get away with evil. He is selective in who he treats badly. Is this common? The people that are kind to him he treats badly but those that are rude and ugly to him he treats well. I cant understand that logic. Maybe his toxic behaviour is affecting my brain.

                Like

                Reply
                1. ashley

                  Oh yes, that is very common. My N is very nice and generous to strangers, friends, and coworkers. He would be screaming at me in the car one minute, then sweetly talking to the checkout person at the grocery store a few minutes later. If they were abusive to everyone, they wouldn’t be able to keep a job. They know when to turn it on and off, always for selfish reasons. My N cares very much about his reputation and being seen as a “good guy,” so he goes to great lengths to keep up that image in public. Behind closed doors he is a different person entirely. Of course, when I first met him, he was very sweet to me too, which is why I fell for him in the first place. That was very short-lived.

                  It’s possible your N is nice to people who are rude to him because he is trying to win him over. Or, possibly he knows deep down that he is not a good person, so he doesn’t respect people who treat him well, and only respects those who are mean to him. No matter what, it sounds like he goes out of his way to hurt you, and feels no remorse for it. That is completely evil.

                  Like

                2. Natalie Pillay

                  Oh yes that’s exactly what he does to me as well. But here is where I am baffled, his ex wife took him to the cleaners and still does but he treats her like a princess. He would straight out tell me “NO!” But when he came to her request he would
                  Immediately obey. He has been fired every 2nd year. Can never keep a job neither a bank balance. I guess you are right he is trying to cover his guilt with being nice to her and everyone else that is mean to him so he could yet again blame me.

                  Like

                3. Carrie Reimer Post author

                  Natalie,
                  A narcissist does nothing because of feeling guilty. You are doing what every victim does and it keeps the victim stuck in the toxic Web of the N. You are assigning the N normal human emotions.
                  Empathy comes from being able to relate to what other people are feeling, we relate to our own experiences in order to try to understand why someone does something or is feeling the way they are. You assume the narc is being nice to his ex wife because he feels guilty, because you would feel guilty.
                  The first biggest lesson you need to learn is to stop assigning the narcissist emotions because that is what you would feel or any normal person would feel.
                  I used to do it all the time also. If he was cold and distant I would tell myself he was feeling guilty. THEY. DO. NOT. FEEL. GUILT. EVER. Sorry. I don’t mean to yell, but it is one of the biggest challenges the victim has; to stop giving the N emotions he just doesn’t feel. Narc’s count on victims filling in the spaces themselves. They appear totally cold and empty because they are. They never do anything because they have a good side, there is always an ulterior motive.
                  A narc very rarely is happy with just one woman for long. He is only faithful long enough to hook the new target.
                  A narc loves to have 2 women fighting over him and often plays one against the other.
                  And women play right into it, competing for his affections, trying to prove they are the better woman, the one who loves him the best.
                  Another thing you must get through your head is; if their lips are moving they are lying. What he is telling you his ex did to him is more likely what he did to her. And what he is saying about you to her is probably the exact opposite of what is happening.
                  Another thing that is guaranteed. He views people as possessions, once he has “owned” you, you are forever more his to use and abuse as he sees fit. He will keep all his exs hooked if they allow it, popping into their lives whenever he is bored or needs to make the new woman jealous.
                  Keeping his ex on his life helps keep the new woman in line, the victim always feels he might leave and go back to his ex if she doesn’t give him what he wants. My ex even said to me. “You aren’t supposed to get mad about my ex, your supposed to try harder.” Because I refused to play the game with him, I never competed for his attention. I swore I would never compete for a man years ago and it was the one standard I hung onto.
                  So many times women come in here calling the other woman a stupid botch that is stealing her man. The two women are fighting over him and he is sitting back enjoying it. What a great ego booster. Two women fighting over him, both trying to out do the other in an attempt to “win” him. Believe me, the only one winning is him.
                  The N needs a constant flow of narcissistic supply; it is like air to us. Without constantly being shown how special he is, he will shrivel up and die.
                  I quite literally witnessed it.
                  My ex never tried to take care of his appearance unless he was going out trolling for women. He wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t shave and would become sullen and generally miserable. We would eventually split up and he would start dressing nice, shaving, and he would get his charming personality back. There would be a sparkle in his eye again. He would literally come to life. He would pursue me and be his sweet self again. I would go back and he would go back to being sullen and stop trying to look good. Sex would go back to being all about him. He could be the best lover I ever had when he was trying to win me over but when we were together it was basically just a release for him with no concern for me at all. And I never turned him down, I loved making love to him. He would refuse to come to bed and sleep any where but with me. He would stay up all night watching porN or on dating sites and come to bed just in time to get his rocks off before I got up.
                  He would promise to come to bed and I would wake up alone and cry.
                  In the end, the last 2 years I always knew when he had some new woman on the hook. If he got that spark in his eye and started treating me better he was chasing someone new. If he kissed me goodbye in the morning and we had sex and he said “I love you” I knew he wouldn’t be home that night. It got to be a game for me to see if I was right. He would kiss me goodbye and say ILY and sure enough he would come home in the wee hours of the morning or not for a day or two and have some feeble excuse I was supposed to believe. I knew he was lying, but as long as he was lying I could lie to myself. There was no point in getting angry because he would just twist things and turn them back on me. And I never left so why even get angry? I just learned to shut off my feelings.
                  I told myself he really did love me, after all; he always came back to me. It had become “just the way we were”.
                  But if I didn’t react he would just become more blatant in his infidelity and become angrier until I did react.
                  They do not want to be happy. The last thing they want is a peaceful loving relationship. They get off on your pain. Sure in the beginning they get enough of an ego boost from sucking in the new victim but once he has her firmly hooked it gets boring. He needs constant proof of how special he us so he will make her jealous or hurt her feelings and then make up. She thinks it is just a small lovers spat and is so happy when things go back to “normal” but after that first argument things never truly go back to the way they were. The fights escalate, it seems every time he hurts the victim he does something a little bit worse. The victim thinks “he has hurt me the worst he ever could” but every time he ramps it up. After awhile the victim is accepting things they never would have tolerated before from any man but it is like anything.
                  The narc needs more and more just like a drug addict needs more and moreally to get high and the victim can tolerate more and more abuse just like a drug addict can withstand more and more drugs over time if they gradually increase how much they do. They become immune to the abuse in a way.
                  So it keeps getting worse and worse until the physical abuse starts and then the narc isn’t getting off on anything but the victim’s fear and suffering. It is then that it gets really dangerous.
                  All abusive relationships end in one of two ways; someone leaves or someone dies.

                  Like

                4. Natalie Pillay

                  I feel such a sense of relief to know that I am only becoming wiser and will put up my guard when he confronts me. I know inevitably it is going to happen. And I all the advice I have gotten on this site is preparing me to walk away from the evil that lives in him. Not sure if anyone can advise me on this, off course he is selective in what he wants to respond too. His son has been using my car which Narc has been paying for and destroyed my credit score. Whenever I ask him for the payments he convienently ignores those messages. Should I just continue pushing for the money or maybe just reach out to his family since he responds to them immediately?

                  Like

                5. Carrie Reimer Post author

                  Natalie that is a tough question because you have to be so careful to not let him know you are planning on leaving.
                  I really advise not letting the N know you are leaving until the very last minute if at all. It is the most dangerous time in advice abusive relationship, 70% of domestic homicides happen within 2 yrs of the victim leaving. Not only that but he will stonewall any attempts you make to secure your future.
                  He will fight you all the way. Can you trust his family to not stab you in the back? If you have used them before to get him to do something then I guess it’s OK to do it again. My ex’s step dad helped me.
                  Be prepared he is going to do everything he can to make you leaving all but impossible.
                  We are here as moral support. Be careful!
                  Does he have access to your computer? Make sure you erase history and check he doesn’t have a key tracker installed.
                  You have to be very deligent about your safety right now.
                  Hugs

                  Like

                6. Natalie Pillay

                  No problem. I also meant to say that this Narc was the same as yours. What a charmer that I fell for but was over within a blink of an eye. And had a nerve to tell me that “all that was flushed down the toilet”. I can actually hear those words echo. Even when I would beg for him to come back even though it wasnt my fault all I got was “NO!!!” What about the apology…..whenever I would say “sorry” I got a cold shoulder and silly me didn’t even realize what was going on. But had he apologized I would be over the moon and fall for those lies.

                  Like

                7. ashley

                  These narcs do only what they know they can get away with. The more I begged him to treat me better, the more I demeaned myself, the worse he treated me. It’s possible he is still trying to “win” his ex-wife, and that’s why he treats her better. It’s just an act. Eventually he would abuse her as well. Don’t get caught in the trap of thinking it’s only you that he would abuse, he would do it to anyone if he can get away with it.

                  The same happened to me. I was with my ex for years, and he had a friend, a married woman. She thought the world of him. After I left him, he wormed his way into her life, and she left her husband. A few years later she left him too, once the devaluation and abuse began. He conned her for YEARS. She was a major source of supply and a huge prize, since she was married. But once he had her, he dropped the act and let his true colors show.

                  What I’ve learned is that time has a way of revealing what people really are. It’s better to focus on yourself and your well-being. I struggle with that too. I’m so filled with feelings of anger, hurt, and betrayal. But at some point, we have to focus on ourselves and leave the abuse behind.

                  Like

                8. Blaspie

                  My narc was the exact same. He treated me so poorly and i didi everythign I could to please him. People that didnt really approve of him he was courteuous to and even his enemies he either avoided altogether or avoided conflict. I think this was because he knew they wouldnt be so sensitive to not hurt his ego

                  Like

                9. Natalie Pillay

                  Wow im so amazed how we all have sailed/sailing in the same boat. I read someone saying something about comments being repeated. It really helps to know that we are not insane when we read that others have dealt with the same situation. Since these narcs make us believe that we mentally disabled and also some people that have not gone throught this think we are losIng it becos they paint this beautiful picture in public.

                  Like

                10. ashley

                  Blaspie, I think you’re right – narcissists avoid people who don’t buy into their act. They fear being exposed for who they really are. Anyone who doesn’t like my N, he pretends they don’t exist. He only wants people around who feed his ego and reflect back his false image as a “nice guy” (his coworkers and friends) and whoever he’s in a relationship with at the time and abusing.

                  Natalie – it’s shocking how similar they all are. But it does help to understand that their minds are disordered and they aren’t “normal”. None of this is normal. They want us to feel crazy and irrational, but in reality, we are responding to a toxic and abnormal situation. My N tries to manipulate me into thinking I can’t trust my own feelings and perceptions so that I don’t even realize he’s abusing me. It’s sickening how subtle and gradual the abuse is, and the simultaneous wearing down of your confidence and self-respect.

                  Trust yourself, trust your perceptions.

                  Like

                11. Natalie Pillay

                  Thanks Ashley. The support group on the blog tremendously helps. So is there any medical cure for this type of toxic behaviour? How can one continue to hurt others and continue to get away with this.

                  Like

                12. Carrie Reimer Post author

                  Natalie, I have many posts here on every question anyone could possibly ask about narcissists. Haha
                  I hate to answer you with a “No they can not be helped with meds” because it really doesn’t help you at all.
                  Here are some links from my answers on Quora. They are more condensed than the posts here.
                  https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-root-of-narcissist-personality-disorder-NPD/answer/Carrie-Reimer-3?share=c1d6c2ba&srid=zEb1
                  https://www.quora.com/What-medications-are-out-there-to-help-minimize-the-abusive-behaviour-of-narcissists-and-would-they-admit-to-needing-help-enough-to-take-whatever-is-prescribed/answer/Carrie-Reimer-3?share=2f338a07&srid=zEb1
                  https://www.quora.com/Is-narcissism-partly-genetic/answer/Carrie-Reimer-3?share=22178da9&srid=zEb1
                  I hope that answers some of your questions

                  Like

                13. Carrie Reimer Post author

                  Natalie, they get away with it because they are excellent actors, and are capable of acting totally sane, more sane than a sane person.
                  They can play victim better than a victim, they can pass lie detectors, and are pathological liars. Most of them are not as nuts and obvious as Trump and he’s president.

                  Like

                14. Blaspie

                  Yep, whenever he’s dealing with someone that he knows will confront him back, he avoids them. Thats why my friends were all banned from coming over to the house.

                  Like

                15. Carrie Reimer Post author

                  Blaspie,
                  It’s hard to not feel like it is your fault when the only time he gets angry is with you.
                  I remember my ex used to blow me away. He would lose it with me overy $.25 but he would be taken for hundreds or thousands and just take it without even saying anything.
                  He never stood up to men, only me and my teenaged son. He punched his own 14 year old son for eating his donut after telling the kid to eat it. Called him an F’n pig and kicked him out and said to never come back.
                  Bastard.

                  Like

                16. ashley

                  Natalie – Unfortunately, abusers very rarely change. If a person actually has NPD, they would have to seek counseling and want to change, and this is very rare. Usually (as well all know) they don’t think they have a problem and will never admit to doing anything wrong. All the literature I read about abusers in general, and narcissists in particular, points to it being a deeply-ingrained personality problem. They refuse to take responsibility for their behavior.

                  It’s infuriating how they hurt people without giving it a second thought. I don’t know how my N can sleep at night knowing how many lives he has destroyed, how many people he hurt for no reason other than because he could. It’s really hard to accept this and make peace with it. It feels terribly unfair.

                  Like

                17. Carrie Reimer Post author

                  NatalIe,
                  Yes and yes.
                  Yes it is extremely common that they are totally different in front of other than they are behind closed doors.
                  I remember being out with my ex and having so much fun, at first I would be happy because I’d expect this good mood to continue once we got home and maybe we would have a nice night. But I soon found out that once we were alone again he would be miserable again. Like a switch went off.
                  Very rarely did he let his true colors show in front of others. No one would have believed how miserable he was at home, he seemed to always be so happy and easy going. It makes it harder to believe that it isn’t your fault when he is only mean and cold to you.

                  Like

      2. Natalie Pillay

        I am so sorry you have been through the pain again. I also have separated and went back after 6 months. Thought that things would change but the emptiness only got worse and here I am once again trying to pick up the pieces.

        Like

        Reply
  6. MyLife

    I remember thinking of myself as a hero of sorts for putting up with the abuse, for keeping the relationship alive and the family whole. I endured the insults and the pain and was grateful for crumbs. I was such a good person! I forgave I overlooked I accepted and doled out second chances until they numbered in the thousands. And come to find out I was just as disordered as he was in my own saintly way. Ugh it’s hard to admit even now and even harder to understand some of his slurs were actually true. Too sensitive? Actually yes. Too emotional? Yup. Passive aggressive, I could check that box too. I was a hot mess dancing with a cold one, he pitched and I swung and I played my part like a champ until I finally got tired of losing to his unfair rules.
    Looking back I guess that’s when I became pretty crappy supply. The raging got really bad and I without realizing it caused him some hefty narcissistic injuries. We went from crazy to outright bedlam and the worst part is the kids went there with us. That’s when I had to stop playing saint, that was the true breaking point. But even when you finally get to your breaking point it’s not enough you have to start fixing what was wrong with yourself to get into such a place in the first place. No contact with the abuser but major in depth contact with yourself which should be your one and only focus, not the abuser. All of the thoughts you continue to give the abuser are energy that should belong to you and must belong to you and alone if you’re ever going to heal. At first each and every time you start thinking about him (or her) you will have to very deliberately refocus your thoughts to yourself and that’s hard work. You might not want to. Your brain might not cooperate. But until you master this you will continue to suffer at the abusers hand whether you’re near or far

    Like

    Reply
    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      MyLife, A resounding “Yes!!!” ^5
      You are so right and I would like your permission to use your comment as part of a post. I will gladly give you credit but to protect your privacy I will use your chosen Username unless I hear otherwise.
      You are so correct that in order to heal the victim must do some deep soul searching. We have to be very careful to not blame the victim because they didn’t actively go looking to be abused and it is very necessary for the victim to study narcissists in order to extricate themselves from a toxic situation as safely as possible. But then the focus has to switch to the victim and off the narcissist.
      I have done posts on it in the past but it is such a sensitive topic people don’t want to hear that they had any blame, I was thrilled to see someone who has done the work and agrees with my belief that true healing and inner peace will not come until the victim does an honest inventory of themselves and in the process starts living a true authentic life.
      Thank you for your comment!
      Hugs

      Like

      Reply
      1. MyLife

        Carrie I would be so grateful for a chance to help you so as far as I’m concerned please take anything you like in whatever way suits you best! Thank You for everything you do you are a doctor without borders saving lives in what has apparently become a worldwide epidemic of narcissistic abuse
        Mega Hugs

        Like

        Reply
    2. James Peoples

      This was me. Wow, this ws me. I felt like I should have gotten a badge of honor for enduring the abuse. I had been reduced to doing all of the cooking and cleaning because I said “He’s giving me big tasks to do to please him.” For some reason that was all that began to matter. Pleasing him. Doing whatever I could to keep him from abusing me. I now realize there was nothing I could do to keep him from abusing me.

      Like

      Reply
      1. ashley

        Yeah, they train us to try to do anything to get things back the way they were in the beginning. But it’s impossible. It was all fake, part of the idealization phase. And they just love seeing us bend over backwards trying to earn their love. It’s sick! We are worth so much more than that.

        I struggle with believing that I truly do deserve better. I mean, I *know* it, but it’s hard to extricate myself from the trap.

        Like

        Reply
  7. Blaspie

    It’s been over a month of sharing the same space and not speaking to each other. its like im invisible. Ive found that Im relieved when he’s not home or I know he’s not coming home to be with his new supply. It doesnt hurt nearly as much as it did at first but I still have my moments of wishing things were different and it didnt end like this.

    Like

    Reply
  8. ashley

    Just need to get this out. Last week I told him I thought he was being manipulative and said that I was hurt. He didn’t care that I was hurt. All he cared about was defending himself and proving that he was not manipulative, and I ended up apologizing. He never addressed the fact that I was hurt by his behavior. Textbook abuser.

    I know all this analyzing just goes in circles. I can analyze his behavior until the end of time, and it won’t change anything. I need to stop doing this.

    When I was with him years ago, he called me a shell of a person, a doormat, because I was so anxious and afraid around him. Then I left, stayed away for years…and made the mistake of coming back. I was much stronger, more confident. And over the past year he has gradually eroded my strength until I feel weak and anxious again. He sees it, of course, and says that I need to “get it together” and stopped acting like I did in the past. Like I choose to be this way. Like I choose to be afraid and walking on eggshells.

    He intentionally wore me down, gaslighted me, and broke down my dignity. But I stayed and let it happen. I’m so ashamed of this, for hoping he would change. I truly can’t wait until this is all a distant memory.

    Like

    Reply
    1. Blaspie

      That’s what I grapple with. I know there were definitely times when he manipulated or gaslighted me, but sometimes I really do wonder if he did all of it on purpose.

      Like

      Reply
      1. ashley

        It’s very hard to tell. Either way, they don’t feel much guilt. My N apologized for how he treated me in the past, then a few months later said I made it all up and it was all in my head. He called me the most degrading names you can think of, and somehow I made it up?! He refuses to see himself as anything but good and right. Somehow he just blocks out anything that doesn’t fit his own self-image of perfection. It’s baffling.

        They feel entitled to act however they want. He once said to me “I can talk to you however I want.” and he meant it. They crave control and will do whatever it takes to have the upper hand in the relationship. I think it’s an unconscious thing, they don’t even realize how much they want control. I think they experience the need for control as fear, insecurity, etc. The sense of entitlement somehow helps them rationalize and justify everything they have to do to get that control. In their book, they are the real victims. It’s really twisted, and they would never admit it.

        He told me how his ex’s “perceptions were wrong”, and how she changed and abandoned him. The truth was, he pulled the old bait and switch with the idealization and devaluation, and she had enough. He acts like the one who was hurt and misunderstood. “Why won’t anyone give me the benefit of the doubt? I never mean to hurt anyone,” he said. Except he does. When all someone does is hurt people, that means they are to be avoided. There is a limit to how much benefit of the doubt you can give.

        Man, I wish I had the courage to tell him what he really is. But that would just enrage him, and I don’t need that. What I really need to do is simply walk away. One of the reasons I keep hanging on is precisely because I know he won’t care if I leave :(. I know that I’ll be grieving and missing him, and he won’t give a shit, and that thought hurts so much. But it hurts so much to be hurt by him, as well. Which is worse? It’s like I’m waiting for the pain of staying to become more unbearable than the pain of leaving.

        Like

        Reply
        1. Blaspie

          I was dying to leave but wanted to be discarded because I couldnt bring myself to leave. Then got discardd and was/am miserable. Waiting it out wont make the inevitable feel any better.

          Like

          Reply
            1. Blaspie

              you didnt put yourself in this situation, the narc did. That was on him. You are staying in the situation, thats on you. You have the power to get out, you just have to find it. This is what ive been doing for the past few days. I remind myself that I’m not afraid of anything. for the first time in five years im not living in fear. I think about that and I ask myself do I want to go back to living in fear and anguish. The answer is no.

              Like

              Reply
              1. ashley

                You are totally right. It was his choice to abuse me, but it’s my choice to stay. I need to make the choice to leave and stick to it, for the rest of my life.

                My health has declined ever since I got back in contact with him, almost instantly. He is like poison. I know that once i make it a week, it’ll turn into a month, two months three…then a year…and eventually I’ll move on. One day at a time. I did it once, and I can do it again. I just need to recapture that strength and the knowledge that it’s not my fault, and he is not capable of love. I fooled myself into thinking he really loved me.

                I want to be free of him in 2018. I want 2018 to be completely no-contact.

                Like

                Reply
                1. Blaspie

                  Reread everything we’ve discussed. What has helped me lately is to reread everything and read how i was hit, choked, mocked, humiliated, embarrassed, shamed. It sounds horrific when I read it. It almost brings me to tears to read that this was happening to me. That helps me look at my narc for the monster he really is. You dont have to wait until 2018. you WANT to wait until 2018. Acceptt that you can leave anytime you want, but you want to stay. I know the entire feeling.

                  Like

                2. ashley

                  You are right. I can walk away this very minute, I have that ability. I just don’t feel strong enough :(.

                  I’ll go back and re-read what I’ve written. It’s all pain, nothing but pain. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I keep hoping for a crumb of affection, intimacy. But the last time he was affectionate, the very next day he was viciously cruel and it was devastating. That’s his pattern, show some kindness/affection, I let my guard down, and then he does something that leaves me humiliated. And yet I still crave the crumbs! It’s absurd.

                  Like

  9. MyLife

    Ashley, reading your comment about craving gave me a real aha moment! When do we crave something? When we have a lack of course! A deficiency! But sometimes we turn to something unhealthy just to shut the craving off even temporarily! Instead of doing the right thing, getting the stuff we really need because it’s often a lot harder. Oh wow it’s a craving which is a message how truly descriptive of the problem you really do have good insight

    Like

    Reply
  10. MyLife

    I googled craving affection and found this from askthepsych:

    “…since touch is also associated with many other things, like self-esteem and approval, your need for touch could be a little more complicated than merely craving it. So it’s possible that touch means different things for you. Consequently, analyzing the reasons for the void may help you to fill it.”

    Like

    Reply
    1. ashley

      MyLife, thank you for that insight. Affection is really important to me, and he withholds it as a way of controlling me. He did it in the past – to the point where he wouldn’t even give me a hug for weeks on end. That’s one of the reasons I left him back then. He knows it hurt me, and so he’s doing it again. Except now it’s twice as painful because it re-opens the old wound of rejection and inadequacy.

      I need to leave this piece of trash behind.

      Like

      Reply
      1. Blaspie

        Touch is really important to me too. My narc knew when he had hurt me that hugging or cuddling me would make me feel better. As soon as he would hit me he would be affectionate. Threw my brain off. Sick they are.

        Like

        Reply
  11. Julie

    I have really been struggling with some intense rage over the past week. I have rather difficult co worker. This person is very loud and opinionated and just the anthesis of who I am. I have been really close mouthed about what I have been going through and just didn’t want co workers to know. Inherently I don’t trust them. She came back from work and got this hateful look in her face and pointed her finger in my direction and stated that she saw ” my (insert abusers name ) while she was in lunch. I let out a very loud yell back …” not my ( insert abusers name…NOT MINE” and then I just started sobbing! When she said it I swear to all that is holy I felt like the abuser was right in front of me. Nose to Nose screaming in my face and all of that terror and fear and sorrow just raged out of my mouth. That was the first time that I realized that due to the EXTREME!!! physical, verbal, sexual, emotional abuse that I have coexisted in For the last 4 years is causing me to have extreme PTSD. There were no feelings of longing that it would have been me to have seen him. It was sheer unadulterated terror!! It was pure piercing black rage that left my mouth! Me at my core is peaceful and calm and accepting and contemplative and all love and light and I have felt in my demeanor of the last week like a demon! I would never do the things that my mind has fantasizes because I haven’t and won’t lose touch with reality and the consequences but When I finally pulled myself together I called my dr and went and talked to them about going in anti depressants and some anti anxiety medications. I need some mental distance from these thought of rage and sorrow and physical and mental pain.

    My point in writing this is that I strongly urge all of to study up on the symptoms of PTSD. My rage was scarring me and I knew where it was coming from but I didn’t really understand that it is frequently normal for PTSD. Don’t be scared of your feelings address them and do what you need to do as a whole body and mind approach to help yourself gain some perspective of what damage this can all cause.

    I want to be happy and feel safe and secure again in my life and I know I can get there. The meds aren’t going to take it away but they will give me some very much needed numbness for a short time so that I can wrap my head and heart around this all and start to fully shift the focus into me and my healing. I also strongly urge you to meditate and do yoga or go for walks and exercise. Get out and breath in some air even if it’s only for 15 minutes. Let yourself heal with all of the overwhelming self hatred and circular conversations. Focus on you and what you know that you need to do to get healthy.

    Hugs!!

    Like

    Reply
    1. ashley

      I’m sorry you were triggered. I have ptsd as well, and sometimes I experience a lot of anger from what I went through, both as a child and as an adult. I’m glad you talked to our doctor about how you’re feeling. Lately I’m not doing a very good job with managing my issues.

      Like

      Reply
  12. ashley

    I’m thinking about all the ways he hurt me. I only put up with it because I loved him. If anyone else did even 10% of what he did, I’d have been out the door long ago. Where is my self-respect? My dignity?

    There is nothing to like about him really. He has a decent job, that’s about all I can say. He can act charming and generous with his friends and coworkers, in public. He can be nice when he wants to be when someone is watching. Besides that? He’s a monster. Mean, critical, judgmental, full of contempt and scorn. Entitled and angry, cold, hostile.

    It’s the crumbs I keep hanging on for. The intermittent reinforcement is a bitch.

    Like

    Reply

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.