My gift to you; a safety plan for while you are still in the relationship with a narcissist/abuser and how to leave the relationship as safely as possible.
Never under-estimate your abuser, just because he has never been physically violent before does not mean he won’t be some day. It is wise to be prepared. Abuse always escalates, especially if the abuser feels he/she is losing control of their victim, ie: you leaving him
When in an abusive relationship it is very unwise to tell your abuser you plan on leaving.
70% of domestic homicides happen just before or shortly after the victim leaves the relationship.
Download this free PDF and take the time to go over it often and take the steps to keep yourself and your children safe.
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My eldest sibling is a narc. Facebook has been my saving grace with so much available information. My sister only had ine daughter, and because I’m ten years younger than my sister, has pit me against he daughter. I always thought she was just trying to ‘prove’ to my mother she was a better mother than her own mother, but thanks to fb, I now know differently. One point I haven’t seen. I’ve distanced myself from her, and she makes me out to be the bad guy to her family and friends while coming across as a saint. So even though I stay away when I can, I’m still ‘in touch’ with my niece. (Her husband was ‘friends’ with my husband – long story.
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I am very closely related to a family member who is in a serious relationship with a malignant narcissist. Help! Our family has watched this unfold for over three years. My husband and I have sought and are receiving professional help but what can we do? We are desperately watching a dear member of our family being isolated. She still believes we are misunderstanding him. He is so sensitive and caring, her friends love him. Yet he has been, since day one , hostile, cold and paranoid when dealing with her family. You know that “gut” feeling you get? I had it from day one. He was living with her within three weeks ( they met online) engaged in less than three months, pregnant and married within a year or so. We are now completely marginalized in her life. Every thing is our fault even we continue to suffer his verbal assaults to us every time he suspects we are getting to her. I’m desperate . How can we help her without tipping him off. I am so afraid he will dismantle her before he’s done.
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Caroline, it is a horrible position for the family to be in. You don’t want her to feel she has no where to turn when she needs help but it is so frustrating to see what he is and she appears blind to it. Personally I would back off totally, stop trying to convince her that he is toxic, be polite to him, include them in family functions and try try try to not bite the bait he sets out.
He is trying to create trouble between her and her family so he has a good excuse for refusing to attend family functions and to limit her contact with her family. “your family never accepted me, I never felt welcome, they hate me” and she will feel forced to choose between him and her family. Don’t make her choose.
I know it is hard, you want to drag her out of there kicking and screaming but it won’t work, in fact it will have to opposite effect. If she feels she has to justify staying with him and defend him it only drives her into his arms and out of yours.
My family deserted me and it put me in grave danger because he knew I had no where to go. Once he gets her totally isolated it is so much easier to make her feel it is all her fault and harder for her to swallow her pride and say you were right,
Right now what is important is not who is right or wrong, it is not proving to her that she made a mistake, (no one likes to admit they made a mistake), what IS important is that she feels loved, accepted, and supported no matter what she does. Do you love her enough to not have to be right? to respect her choices even if you don’t agree? She has to come to the realization on her own and then she has to feel safe to come to you and talk about it without fear of you saying “I told you so” “I don’t know what you ever saw in him” “I could tell right away he was bad news”. She is feeling stupid enough without being told she screwed up, don’t make her feel she has to stay and prove it was not a mistake.
I had no one when I left my ex, if not for his sister saying, “he is going to kill you if you stay.” I would have stayed because I felt I had made my choice and I had to live with it. Pride is a dangerous thing!! By not nagging her about it you are not enabling her to stay, you are giving her room to come to her own conclusions and feel safe to leave when she is ready. If she is coming to you and complaining about how he treats her then you can say something like you deserve better, it is not your fault, we will help you to leave. But if she isn’t openly asking for advice then don’t give it.
My son was my one and only support and the only member of my family who loved me and stayed in touch with me throughout the whole ordeal and he hated my ex with a passion and he had witnessed the abuse and he and I were ambushed by me ex. But he never made me feel there was something wrong with me for staying. He just loved me and we didn’t discuss my ex at all. When I left my ex and started to heal then my son said how great it was to have his mom back.
Whereas my mother made me feel I was wrong, I was sick, how could I stay with him? what was wrong with me? I even said to my ex, ‘” don’t know why you and my mother don’t get along, you both think I am terribly flawed.”
I hope this helps, it is a tough row to hoe, and he will try to bait you into getting angry. They thrive on attention they don’t care if it is negative attention, anger is just fine with them. They love the drama and trauma and forcing the victim to choose. Grey Rock him. Grey Rock is when you use a monotone voice, don’t show emotion, don’t get angry, talk about boring stuff, like you are always really tired and just not into life much. boring boring boring, no drama no narc supply. Right now you are feeding him and he is loving it!!
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wow! I now understand what happened with my bride of 6 months with a brain tumor who always considered herself a special strong woman and completely had me under her spell to protect and provide for her, Only to turn on me viciously and take me for everything. She is full bore destroying my life. I wish I had found this article before. She has completely wiped me out but not taken my faith or self esteem. There is a God and justice will come. I will be keeping this article close at hand for anyone who needs it in the future.If there are ways you can help me I would truly appreciate it. I realize that usually it is the woman who is the victim so this is doubly difficult to admit but sometimes the ‘truly nice guys’ are the ones who get the narcissistic woman. I have to believe I can rebuild from this and be better for it. Thank you for this article.
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I recently have started researching about narssistic behavior. My husband matches it. I have been married to him for two years and we have a son together. I have another child with someone else. I am afraid. He had been abusive towards me till I have called the cops last yr. He still tends to get abusive. He doesn’t stop calling me names and pick at every emotion that he can till he succeeds at it. I want to leave so bad. I have read they easily play victim. He blames me for everything, takes no responsibility and loves to control me. He hates for me to be at my parents house. He only is about himself and his parents. I believe his parents are both narssistic as well. I have read that there is no way in showing proof of this disorder. I have recordings of him yelling at me, pictures of his threats, controlling behavior. I’m afraid it won’t be enough I’m court. So I have bought a spy pen camera. I’m hoping that it will show proof on video of his actions. What do you think? I don’t want to go back. I feel it’s the only option left before filing divorce. My husband is an alcoholic as well.
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I’m finally leaving. Just found out he cheated on me a few nights ago on top of everything he’s already done to me. When I asked him to admit it, he actually had the nerve to smile at me. Like it was some big joke!
I’m moving to a friend’s house. The only problem is I have to wait a month or more for her current roommate to move out. I’m not sure how I’m going to make it??? He goes out with whomever he’s seeing now, and then has the nerve to come home and get in my bed. My skin crawls. I haven’t slept for days and I’m broken and exhausted. I try hard to act like I’m perfectly fine and nothing is bothering me, but I feel like my insides are being ripped out and I’m losing my mind.
To top it all off…. I was in a car accident a couple months ago and my car is not really safe to drive. It turns out the insurance company sent me a check a month ago to pay for the repairs. Mysteriously, the check never got here. I can only assume he took and destroyed it.
I desperately need some support and and guidance today. Someone please help me hang on 😦
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My Narc husband left and I don’t want him coming back…how do I keep him gone? His stuff is all here and our finances are together. He wants to come back so badly.
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I married at a very young age. As soon as we turned the key, I KNEW I had a long hard life ahead of me. They are NOT the person they appear to be at first.
I spent 45 yrs. being cheated on, lied on, manipulated, you name it he did it. Two yrs. ago I went to sing at a elder home facility wishing I could interview all the woman sitting in there what advice they would have for me. Then I asked myself a life changing question: Ten yrs. from now do I want to still be in this misery, or is the risk of the unknown less fatal to my soul? I had to wake up to the fact that I matter. I wanted answers and opinions from everyone, seeking answers mainly afraid to do the hard work and step into the unknown. Never say never,. I swore I would never divorce my husband, I not only loved him I worshiped him………. I am now divorced 4 months now and still a little afraid of the unknown but what I have learned that you will meet all the right people to help you through it, and accept that those you thought would support your decision most likely won’t. As long as you know your truth that’s what matters.
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