How To Help Someone Involved With A Narcissist

What to do if you suspect someone you know is involved with a narcissist

First of all let’s cover the don’t:

* Do not underestimate how dangerous, manipulative and conniving a narcissist can be.

Too many times people confuse narcissism with ordinary abusive behaviour or someone with an inflated ego. A true narcissist is cruel beyond comprehension and can cause immeasurable emotional and physical damage. They will stop at nothing to control their victim and that could include death.

* Never make the victim feel they are responsible for their own abuse.

By saying things like: I would never have stayed, I would have seen he was an asshole a mile off, he was attracted to your co-dependency, etc
No one knows what it is like to be manipulated by a narcissist unless they have been there.

-Narcissists are attracted to strong, competent, self sufficient women with a strong sense of responsibility and moral fiber. What woman wouldn’t want to be described in those terms? The last thing a narcissist wants is someone needy or someone any one could have, she has to be a “trophy” and confident enough to keep his narcissistic supply coming. Plus the more self sufficient and confident she is the more determined the narcissist will be to “break” her, if he can make her totally dependent on him it is the ultimate in NS.

* Do not withdraw your support in an effort to make them choose between you and the narcissist, or in anger because they won’t leave or went back.

Withdrawing your support is giving the narcissist exactly what they want – total control over their victim and makes the victim dependent on the narcissist and reinforces what the narcissist is telling them; that they (the narcissist) is the only one they can rely on, the only one who truly loves them and that they are flawed in some way, why else would someone they cared about turn their back on them?

* Do not expect the victim to return to their “old self” immediately after leaving the narcissist.

The longer a person is involved with a narcissist the more damage is done to the person’s self confidence, their esteem and even their perception of reality. That does not heal quickly, sometimes never. The victim has been abused at a soul level, comparable to a prisoner of war, a rape victim, a hostage; they can probably not even adequately describe what they have been through. In many cases they have blocked much of the abuse or minimized it; which is typical of a person in highly dangerous situation and was part of their attempts at survival.

– Many people leaving a relationship with a narcissist suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and should get help from a professional for that, someone who is familiar with Narcissism and the effect on the victims.

*Do not believe anything the narcissist tells you, he will try anything to discredit the victim and make them appear to be the crazy one and it is the narcissist who is the victim.

You can almost guarantee that whatever the narcissist is saying is the exact opposite of the truth. If he is saying she was unfaithful; it was him cheating. If he says she spent all the money; it was he who spent money.

Remember the narcissist is an award winning actor, he’s been doing it his whole life, if he does admit to any wrong doing it will be part of his plans to manipulate the situation in his favor.

*Do not show the narcissist any sympathy!

One of the tactics often used by a narcissist (especially when he feels he is losing ground) is to use other people as pawns in his efforts to control his victim.
The victim needs no reasons to feel sorry for the narcissist, if they see you are sympathetic to his cause they will doubt they are doing the right thing by leaving.

*Do not be overly critical of the narcissist to the point of the victim feeling they must defend him; remember the narcissist uses guilt as a means of manipulation. You don’t want the victim to feel she has done anything wrong by confiding in you.

The To-Do List:

*Research Narcissism

There are hundreds of support groups, forums, advice sites and sites giving professional opinions.

No one can understand the power a narcissist has over his victim or how
he gained that control or why a victim finds it so hard to leave. Unless you have been there it is impossible, but by reading other people’s accounts of their experiences you will come to realize it is very common and perhaps develop some compassion for the loved one you are trying to help.

*Reinforce that the victim is NOT responsible for the abuse, it is the narcissist that is sick and they can not save him.

-You will have to do this often, once out of your company and back home with the narcissist the narcissist will work over time to extinguish any confidence the victim might have acquired while with you. It is a constant roller coaster ride in emotional hell and you might be the only person who can counter the insanity of living with a narcissist.

*Document!!

When the victim tells you of abuse, infidelity or any other mistreatment by the narcissist make note of it; if there is any physical abuse try to take pictures even if she refuses to press charges. It is actually best if she doesn’t keep records herself because the narcissist IS going through her stuff whether she realizes it or not and if he finds it he will destroy it and “punish” her in some way. But this information will come in handy in the future as:
Proof there was abuse should she have to go to court or get a restraining order.
A reminder for the victim of what she had to live with when her resolve weakens.
Proof of the truth in defense of the lies the narcissist will inevitably tell anyone who will listen.

*Be There!!!

I know it is frustrating to hear the victim cry about the abuse and then they don’t leave or they leave and go back, but you need to be her voice of reason and sanity. You must understand that narcissists are experts at making someone feel crazy.

A woman in an abusive relationship leaves an average of 7 times before leaving for good. As long as he can make her feel that she has some power to change things she will go back, she needs to be reinforced that she has indeed done all she or any woman could do and no one deserves to be abused.

* Believe them!

Once they opening up and start sharing some of the things the narcissist did, believe them, no matter how bizarre it may sound and reiterate it is the narcissist that is sick, not them!

*Listen!!

If they are still with the narcissist all you can do is be there to listen and reinforce that: They are NOT crazy
They are strong
They are not alone
They CAN leave and when they do you will be there to help

* If they have left they will need to rehash the relationship trying to make sense of it, trying to find answers to why something so wonderful turned so ugly.

Quite often while in “survival mode” the victim will block or minimize a lot of the abuse because they are overwhelmed or simply can not accept how horrible the situation is. Once they are away from the narcissist and the danger emotions and memories will come flooding back and the brain needs to acknowledge and accept what happened in order to start the healing process. It might be necessary for the victim to relive some events over and over again.

*Allow the victim time to grieve the loss.

Too many times the people close to the victim get frustrated that they are so sad and “taking too long” grieving and should “just get over it”. That they should be happy they are away from the abuse.

Remember this is probably what they thought was the love of their life and not only is the relationship over but they have to accept it was all one sided; the narcissist is incapable of love; they were in love with a sham. The narcissist will never admit to any fault, and over time more and more of the lies he told will surface reopening the wounds.

Nine times out of ten the narcissist will be involved in another relationship very quickly and will be on his best behaviour and doing everything he can to rub his ex victim’s nose in it.

Either that or he will stock his victim, call incessantly, write letters, anything he can think of to get to her and weaken her resolve.

You can’t stop the victim from going back, but it is less likely to happen if they don’t feel alone. The narcissist can be very convincing especially if the victim is alone, depressed and filled with self doubt.

Good Luck!!!

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553 Replies to “How To Help Someone Involved With A Narcissist”

    1. I know how frustrating it can be for the people who care about the victim when they don’t leave or go back.

      But it is imperative the victim has someone in their corner telling them they aren’t crazy and they don’t deserve to be treated badly. Personally, my mom and brother totally turned their backs on me because I went back to JC. I think that was the hardest part of the whole relationship; feeling I had no where to go and no one cared.

      I never would have left if not for his sister constantly reinforcing it wasn’t safe to stay.

      Thank you!

      Like

  1. i was in a horrible narcississt relationship for 24 yrs back and forth i lost some friends. through all this but thank god when i finally left i got a lot of support it has been 1 yr and i still have problems so i went to a therapist and finally know i will never go back it is a struggle every day but the fog does clear and .i know how emotionally abused i was the terrible thoughts are still there and its day by day but i know now i deserve a lot better

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    1. Linda, 24 yrs of being with a narcissist; you are a strong woman to have been through that and still have the strength to leave. You are testament to the fact that it is never too late to leave and have the life you deserve. I take my hat off to you!

      I have been away for 1 1/2 yrs myself and it wasn’t until very recently I knew deep down I would never go back; there is nothing he could say or do that would get me back. We all struggle daily to deal with the horror of what we went through. I think when we are with them we block out a lot of the abuse because we just can’t handle the extent of our abuse; we forgot what “normal” was. Then as we heal more and more memories come back because we are strong enough to deal with them. Every time we feel like we are taking a step back in our recovery but when we fight our way through the fog we come out the other side a little bit stronger. In order to heal we have to deal with all that hurt, pain and disrespect, self doubt, ridicule, lost and betrayal; until we do it sits dormant inside eating away at us.

      I commend you for leaving and I hope with your recovery you find peace, serenity and true happiness.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing, please let me know how you are doing.

      Carrie

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      1. Carrie a BIG THANK-YOU FOR THIS SITE!!!!! And also the comment to Linda Bacon on June 2012.. I am Bookmarking this site as it helps me and I struggle and struggle every second of the day. So many ups and downs and you give me incite and hope . I have been with a Narcissist for 8 yrs and left a yr ago but live across the canyon from him by no choice because of my situation, its TOUGH!!! And this site is helping with all the comments that these people or posting Thank You All..
        Cat

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  2. i am so very confident my daughter is in this type of relationship now and has been for several years. he has taken her money many times, cheated, keeps her from her friends. belittles her now. and he is always right and its about him. she has left several times and repeatedly goes back. they have a baby together and he spent and spends very little time with the baby. it interferes with his play time. i don’t know what to do. I’ve talked and talked. begged her to get counseling. he was arrested last month for stalking and several other things and she wants to drop the no contact order. pretty sure they have been communicating other ways. she swears its love. i am sure it is for her but not him. can only pray she gets help and nothing severe happens. scared to death i am

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    1. Tina My apologies for taking so long to respond!!!
      You must be beside yourself with concern for your daughter. I know how frustrating it must be to see her go back time after time. All I can say is,”Don’t give up on her!!!” the worst thing you can do is try to make her choose between him or you or make her feel she has no where to go or that she is sick for staying. It is a very strong hold these men have on their victims I don’t understand it totally; with some women it kinda makes sense; they had an N for a father but with others there is no previous abuse at all. The one thing all the victims have in common is that they are loving, caring, intelligent women who are strong, responsible, trusting and usually very attractive. She needs to have that reinforced. Some times people think they are making it easier for her to stay by supporting her but he is working double time to destroy her self worth so she thinks he is the only man who would ever love her because she is so flawed.
      The other things I would suggest is to keep a journal of everything she tells you concerning abuse. Keep the lines of communication open so she feels safe confiding in you and write it all down. Best you keep it because he is snooping through her stuff and it would put her in danger should he find it. Gather information on Narc’s Psychopaths, etc and show them to her, no pressure, just ask her to read them but once again don’t let her take them home.

      Try not to nag too much, you want her to come to you for support not a lecture. I KNOW its hard!!!!! Its like watching her on a train track and the train is barrelling down on her and you’re screaming for her to jump off the tracks but your screams are drowned out by the sound of the train.

      Make sure any physical abuse is documented, maybe even go to the police with your concerns and make them aware. Often times they will lay the charges so the victim can’t be manipulated into dropping the charges. If worse comes to worst they can place a restraining order on both of them and then she isn’t allowed to be in his company; it might be enough to make she stop and think. All she needs is to be away from his influence long enough to stArt thinking clearly.

      My mother turned her back on me and I tell you that was the most painful hurt of all and the most dangerous thing for her to do. He used to laugh and say,” where are you going to go? Who are you going to call? Your mother? No one wants you, your nuts. I don”t know why I put up with your dysfunctional way of thinking”

      You have a gut feeling she is in danger , don’t ignore it and tell your daughter that if she ever has a “gut feeling” she shouldn’t go in the house or get in the car or whatever to not ignore it. Every victim that lived to talk about it said they had a gut feeling but ignored it.

      If she says she’s going to leave as soon as she saves enough money or some other excuse encourage her not to wait, plan her escape very carefully and without his knowledge; the victim is in the most danger when they are about to leave. The abuser is capable of anything.

      I would go so far as to have clothes store at your place, slowly moved keepsakes and momentos over to your place, get her a cell phone she can hide some where ( my ex used to take the phone to work with him do I couldn’t call anyone) in case of emergency. Tell her to call any hour of the day or night if she fee

      us in danger. The absolute best scenario would be to ship her out of town to an aunt or good friend because he will stock her and she shouldn’t live alone at first any way. If he can get to her he will try to guilt her into taking him back or convince her he’s realized are messing with my son. I am so afraid and so angry that you would take safe, if not for herself then for you.

      And I recommend you both visit a blog on my son”links”

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      1. Sorry my phone cuts me off if my reply gets too long. Whst’s I wanted to say is I think you And your daughter should visit a blog dedicated to a woman’s sister who was murdered by her abusive husband days before she was to leave him. I think it might open her eyes. Make sure you have kleenex. Its called ” My Inner Chick” . It really hits home. Kim ishas a n amazing talent for writing and expressed her grief and angry with such naked honesty.

        Hugs to you Mom, I will keep you And youth daughter in my prayers.
        Carrie

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  3. Hi,
    I dont know what to do to help my daughter…….she is in this situation…..he is a cruel narcissist, she used to be very pretty….now she looks terrible….. And she is PREGNANT AGAIN..#7 its as,though she uses being pregnant to…….force him to be something…….husband,father,kinder…I dont know, she saw from the books I showed her that he is a narcissist, then decided it wasnt true…..and he had a bad childhood. He has told her for 15 yrs that I am the cause if their problems……..he was cruel and abusive for two years after my daughter had brain surgery……I have lived 600 miles from them for 7 years……i only discovered that he is an N….. LAST YEAR.
    I am so discouraged…..I had made up.my mind to leave….I arrived back to visit for a few months…but it seems that she thinks like him now…. But after reading that, that would be the worst thing to do……I will not leave…..but will stay and,try to help her……But, I dont know what to do.
    You seem to have very good insight, please help me …..what do I do next?

    Thank you,

    Sandra

    worste

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    1. Sandra, my apologies for taking so long to reply; somehow your comment went to my spam folder and then I wanted to really think about how I answered.

      First let me say I wish I could give you a big hug because you sound desperate to help your daughter; it must be extremely difficult for you.

      It sounds to me like the children are his way of controlling her. No doubt they would keep her very busy and she is probably thinking if she did leave how would she manage with 6 soon to be 7 children. Victims of abuse get brainwashed into believing that no ome else would want them or ” tolerate” them. They go into survival mode and shut down their feelings, very similar to POW’s, concentration camp prisoners, hostages etc and thst’s is where that “dead” look in their eyes comes from. They know they are being abused but feel helpless to save themselves and end up relying on the abuser for their survival. They end up isolating themselves because their world is do dysfunctional they feel out of touch with the “real world”.

      All that said this is what I would do if it was my daughter. Mind you I don’t know the whole story and I’m winging this.
      I would say
      Daughter “D” I love you with all my heart and your happiness is ultimately what I want. You know how I feel about “A” (abuser) and you have told me that he feels I am the cause of all your problems. The last thing I want to do is cause you problems or to make you unhappy. Tell me what you want from me.

      Then listen.

      If she can’t tell you or even if she does then I would say.

      I am going home, I would love to stay and help you but I don’t think “A” wants that and it could make your life worse. You are so important to me and to lose you would kill me, but I promise to let the subject of all”A” drop if you promise me that if you ever want to leave you will call me and not try to do it on your own. I am setting up s trust fund for you and the kids so it is there should you need to get away, please know I am always there for you and only a phone call away and can be on the next plane. You don’t have to do it alone.

      Make sure you emphasize that if she decides to leave she can’t tell him!! Abusive relationships become deadly when the abuser feels he us losing his victim. Tell her to visit a blog I follow and to pop in here if she wants some objective support. But the blog she must see is “My Inner Chick”. It is written by a woman whose sister was murdered by her abusive husband days before she was to leave him. I don’t mean to scare you but she MUST be aware of what she is dealing with.

      I will pray for you and your daughter and grandkids. The rest is up to her, just be there and keep the lines of communication open.

      Hugs Carrie

      If ANYONE has Snyder other suggestions to help please add them

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      1. I am in the same situation. My daughter is married to one. I am afraid for her and the kids but he has turned them all against us/ its kind of like they are all in a trance. I feel helpless. I am so afraid for them all. She has lost herself. He is the most evil person I have ever met and his parents protect his craziness.

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        1. Carol, don’t lose hope!! I know it is a huge worry for you and you just want to protect your daughter and grandbabies but all you can do is be there when they need you.

          I know a woman personally who went through this with her daughter for years and she finally got her daughter back last year and the N is facing jail time for his criminal activity and stalking her daughter. Usually the light will go on at some point and that when your daughter will really need your support.

          My heart goes out to you, you are living every mothers nightmare.
          Hugsxx
          Carrie

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  4. hi
    I am the one who needs help leaving a narcissist.
    We have broken up some many times in the last 3 years, but I always go back. 6 weeks ago he took his level of abuse to physical- it was the first time. He shoved me across the room and then hit me in the face with an open hand. Even now I feel I’m excusing his behavor by saying “with an open hand”.
    I broke up with him after that but it only lasted 2 weeks. The lastest was 10 days ago when he showed up at my house 2 hours late and was mad at me that i went ahead and fed my daughter. (he is not her father) She had been waiting all day for him to come over. He got enraged when I said please respect that I fed her, we couldnt wait any longer. He turned around and walked out. My 7 year old daughter was devastated. Of course I lied to her and said he had a work emergency. He then went on to text me nasty things. The last few texts said he was done with me finally and to never contact him again. I was furious that he behaved that way with my daughter and then blamed me and then broke up with me via text. I did not answer him and blocked him from my cell. The next morning I dropped his belongings at his house.
    I have not heard from him and for some reason I am starting to panic. Why is this so? I should be happy he is out of my life. I fear he is already back with his ex…..I know I should not care but I do. I can’t sleep or eat. I have been reading about narcissists and have learned the no contact rule is best…so why do I want him to email me?
    He has left me at friends house and restaurants when he’s been mad at me. Told me I have not contributed at all to this world ( I am a stay at home mom looking for a job) I have raised 4 children by myself and went back to school and graduated with a psych degree. Psych degree! And I couldn’t see how abusive he was.
    I feel so beated down and yet so sad. I miss him…I know how sick that sounds. I still have his number blocked but now i check my email….ugh…how can i stop this and move on. I’m also afraid of finally feeling better and than in a few months hearing from him.
    So sorry I rambled….just at such a loss right now, on so many levels
    -MB

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    1. Marybeth,

      I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I was a victim of a 9-year relationship with a N. On September 27, 2012, was the end.

      We have to find a way to move forward….on with life….I do believe there is a man out there who will love a woman the way we she should be loved. Please reach out to someone who can help you and not judge you. The fact that he hit you with a opened hand, hurts me deeply. I know exactly how you feel, trust me I do.

      I have a 13 year old son, so I can clearly identify with how you feel to have a 7 year old daughter.

      The same thoughts crossed my mind as well, Did he go back to his ex? Is he seeing someone else?, Do he love me? Did he ever love me?, etc.

      October 2011, I joined a good bible based church, where through the teaching from the word of God, I am getting clarity.

      Sam

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      1. I feel and have the same thoughts . I myself of 49 yrs knew of God and believed in him and now I am trying and starting to let and trust into him more.
        Thank-You Sam for your reply to Marybeth.

        Cat

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    2. MaryBeth,
      Please forgive my slow response; I was left penniless by my ex and have been doing this all on my cell phone and it screws up and I think I have replied and it doesn’t en d up appearing as a reply.

      My ex went as a volunteer to Sudan Africa with a very well known Christian charity and ended up getting one young native girl pregnant and getting engaged to another one. He had the natives after him, the LRA, the police for stealing money from the charity. The head of the charity left him to rot in Sudan but his mother bailed him out ance begged they ship him home so they did. He called me and said, “I’m coming home Babe”. I had thought him going to Africa was a sign he had the changed and had missed him. It
      didn’t take long to find out about the woman he was engaged to and I wrote her telling her he lives with me. I don’t know how he explained it but she kept writing him. His Christian mother knew about the baby and difn’t

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      1. His mother knew and never said a word to me, I found out from a mutual friend that thought for sure I must know. We were already split a year.

        When he came back from Africa I felt something was wrong and held back, I never let him move back in, didn’t cater to him, didn’t care he was there or not. I was, to use his words; “done”. He finally left for Red Deer 2 provinces away and I hardly cried; he just didn’t have the control over me like he had. After a couple of months he called and said he’d been given 6 months to live and he was crying. Long story short he came out to me, proposed, admitted to everything he’d ever done wrong, and I took him back. I decided he was worth another chance and he had said the last couple of years he hadn’t felt I really loved him and put the effort into the relationship so I put 100% in this time. We agreed this was it, the last time, we discussed every area we had problems and how we were going to handle them differently. He promised total honesty. He was trucking and went back to Alberta, something in my gut was telling me he was lying but I thought; who lies about dying??. A narcissist lies about dying.

        Turned out he was living with another woman in Alberta, still had his POF profile and was STILL writing to the woman in Africa. But by the time I found all that out he had destroyed my business, sabotaged my truck, isolated me from friends and my family had disowned me for going back. He destroyed everything in my life and almost destroyed me and then discarded me for some other woman he is still with. All I can conclude from his actions is I didn’t hurt enough for his liking when he went to Red Deer and he planned to come back and destroy me.

        What kind of sick mind would want to hurt someone so badly (for loving him) that he would dedicate 2 whole years of his life to executing the plans. How twisted, hateful and evil. Btw he had a miracle cure when he met the new woman and isn’t dying any more.

        I am living in a friends holiday trailer with no water, sewer or phone service trying to put my life back together and he has been living off of her for the past year and a half. I tried to warn her but I know he’s told her I am a psycho bitch looking to ruin his life. And I was such a basket case when he discarded me I am sure she thinks I am. There is no end to the evil they will pull.

        I can totally relate to everything you are going through and the only way I got through it was absolutely no contact with him and reading all these other women’s stories that have come here and shared. I know I can’t beat him at his own game, he never loses and will do anything to get revenge. I just pray I am still around to see sweet Karma exact payback; because I know he’s going to get payback big time.

        I won’t stoop to his level, my integrity is one of the few things he didn’t take from me.

        May they all rot in hell!
        Hugs
        Carrie
        Ps thank you so much for sharing and pleAse keep un touch.

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        1. I’m really sorry about your situation! I hope and pray that you recover real quick and are rewarded for all this help you’re offering to others who have suffered in narcissistic relationships. I found this article by you so helpful! I’m also happy that my mother, without having read any of this, was very supportive of me throughout my 3-year-long relationship with a narc. I’m now suffering from c-ptsd and spend most of my time researching narcissism online. It’s been two months since I ended things with him. I received a few emails from him after that but then they stopped with a final email announcing that he would be getting married soon to a total stranger. The problem is that we are both designers and move in the same professional circles. So I saw him at a book launch a few days ago and forced myself (I don’t know how) to ignore him. But it was so painful! I have never, in my entire life, been that indifferent towards anyone (let alone someone I loved!) and it killed me to be that way. I still feel sick thinking that he’s turned me into someone so inhuman! I felt like rushing to him and hugging him but I restrained myself and pretended that he wasn’t there. It’s still keeping me up at night. I feel sick and I have to fight all day long with myself to stop my mind from recalling only the times he had been good to me. I keep writing down all the cruel things he did in order to stay sane.

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          1. Wow F. Kay I applaud you for being so strong!! That would have been so hard..I am going to try to do what you say you do, ” I keep writing down all the cruel things he did in order to stay sane.” Good advise! Thanks
            Cat

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        2. Carrie
          I know what you mean and how you feel about your situation as I am living in a trailer across the canyon from my ex no money trying to better myself with help from the state. I always been tough and strong but I STRUGGLE and take 1 day at a time and when it gets so over whelming at times and think how can I keep going on like this? I thank God and my friend property that I can put my trailer on and use her internet, phone, and a place for my horse that if it wasn’t for him ( my horse) I would not be here to day. I know it sounds crazy but I was ready to end it all minutes away and started thinking about all that I would leave behind and all would be fine except my horse. I went to every day to console in and thought what would happen to him? He wouldn’t have been treated right and after he helped me how could I do that to him!!! And then I stopped it right away and got out there and told him thank-you.. Crazy huh? Things happen for a reason and at times I think why this when I try so so hard. It makes us stronger it makes us who we are. It also helps us to help others or be understanding to there situation. We are constantly tested or pushed to try to seek the help or give it as this site is doing for me.
          Again Thanks for sharing and good luck to you hang in there you have helped and open so many people eyes.
          Cat

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  5. Ladies? I’m so distraught. Did you all here about what happened here in Wisconsin? A woman filed a restraining order against her abusive Narcissus husband. He went to her job and shot 7 people including her he killed 3. I’ve been getting calls from concerned friends. They. Thought. It was me. Everything was so similar how he slashed her tires his description, this maniac even looks like my narc ex. My car been keyed. This Guy also did the same to his wife. I’m so heartbroken about what happened to her and her Co workers. My story and hers is so similar, we are even from the same city. This is why I got flooded with calls. I want2 file a restraining order I’m just scared it will only add fuel to the fire inwhich happened here in Wisconsin. Please pray for the victims and the families during this difficult time. I’m grieving their lost. So sad.

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    1. Lilsexxy, I heard about the shooting but didn’t know the background to why the guy did it. How tragic!! exactly the thing I hope to stop by informing people/women about these guys. I for sure will keep these people in my prayers, and YOU be careful!!! If I was you I would talk to the police, tell them your concerns and see what they think you should do, at least then they will be aware of your situation. I would be hesitant to do anything that would piss him off more and obviously a restraining order doesn’t stop anyone who is really intent on killing someone. When I got one on JC it certainly didn’t stop him, in fact it seemed like he felt it was a challenge.

      Be careful!!! keep us informed or I will worry,
      ((((((((hugs))))))))))
      Carrie

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  6. hi just writing to tell you it been 16mos of no contact so far so good i am still having times of flashbacks that i pushed down for years luckily he doesnt care enough to get in touch with me thank god but we live in the same town so i avoid him as much as ican i changed everything about my life to keep away it was hard but so worth not to hear the lies the coldness i wish anyone in this situation to get help. its a hard road but were worth it .

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    1. Wow linda bacon-
      That’s amazing:) I am nervous about the fact that I will have to be around my ex for a month starting tomorrow. I will definitely be running into him all the time. I know for sure their will situations on a regular basis (that I cannot avoid) where I will be hanging around in the same park with him (and others). I know he will look good and try to be charming. He will try to use the dogs as an excuse to guilt me into being around him. I know I just need to remember what you said..its not worth the lies and the coldness. That charming man isn’t real. Nothing is worth the hell he put me through. the constant anxiety. The crying everyday. The backstabbing. He doesn’t deserve me. None of these NPD’S deserve any of us. Thanks for being an inspiration:)

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      1. Twistedheart, how are you doing these days? I can’t seems to see the posts I posted last year and your relp to me but I just wandered how you are? 🙂

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    1. Welcome back Anne! Are you feeling better?
      I like the WAS part! Don’t worry, she will see his true colours before too long, I guarantee!!
      Thanks for stopping by and commenting! Good to see you!
      Hugs Carrie

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  7. Hello,

    I am very glad I stumbled upon this blog. I have been dealing with not one but two narcissist for many years. One who is my fiance for 7 years and his father who has basically manipulated and destroyed my fiances soul and probably the most evil man I’ve ever met.

    I met my fiance when I was 22 he had just moved to the city where I live and he worked at his fathers office. I thought that the two of them were so charming and great. I moved in with my fiance ( we’ll call him Joe ) after 3 months of knowing him. Long story short after about 6 months I noticed he was beginning to be very verbally abusive and tore my self esteem to pieces and had no regard to what hurt he caused me. He made me feel like I was crazy and I started doubting myself and questioning what am I doing wrong and everything else that comes along with being manupilated by a narcissist. I won’t get into all of the stories but they are very much similar to some of what I have read in this blog. Well I left ( or got thrown out ) many times. Everytime I felt weak and alone and scared. Finally at 27 I decided I was done. I had moved on and we were apart for about 8 months. I felt great and strong. He came right back and pled that he will do anything and change. As you can guess I took him back again. Surprisingly he did change after hours of therapy with me and attending a 100 day self help workshop. He did all of this after deciding he didn’t want to be like his father and left his fathers job to persue his own career. I was so happy to see the changes but unfortunately I am starting to see things turn a bit for the worse again. I am still speaking to my therapist and he has brought to my attention that I need to research this disorder and really not personlize anything. I want to stop the cycle before it gets me back to where I was before. I feel like I need to leave for my sanity but at the same time I know what his father has done to him and his family on all levels and I am so hurt by what a monster he is that I feel such sympathy for Joe. Joe by the way still sticks up for his father and I can see the control he has over him and its just plain sick. I don’t know what I can do to help him stay on the right track and realize when he is being like his father without really saying that. I feel like if I turn away his father will win. It isn’t about him winning but the terrible things he says will just be validated to Joe. At vulnerable times Joe gets emotional and apologizes so these moments are now what keeps me around. As our therapist says he may not be the master narcissist like his father but he has the triats. So I am confused as to what I should do and I am really stuck in a bind.

    I love Joe very much and would love to get married and have children ( I would NOT want his father anywhere near us though ). I feel strong at the moment and able to see everything very clear so any maniuplation that comes my way doesn’t have the same effect it once did. This could change at any moment however because as mentioned they love to try to bring down a strong woman.

    Any feedback would be much appreciated. I just don’t want to turn my back on someone I know is hurting deep inside who I love but I don’t want a abusive relationship either.

    Is there anything I can do to help Joe ?

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    1. Veronika, I know this is horribly late, I don’t know why I didn’t get notification of so many comments on this post.

      I am answering in hopes you are still coming by or perhaps someone in your situation will see it.

      Honey; I know you love Joe and you don’t want to walk away from him but you can’t help him. No one can, he was on his good behaviour for awhile and that is the best you can get from an N. They will fake it long enough to get you back and will say and do anything to win your trust and get you back, but it never lasts and every time the abuse gets worse.
      From the sounds of it your therapist is trying to tell you the same thing without coming right out and saying leave him. ( some thing a therapist isn’t allowed to do)

      He mat not be as bad as his father…..yet, give him 20 years; do you want to bring children into this environment? That is what you woold be doing; willingly, knowingly bringing a child into a life of abuse. Narc’s tend to get worse once children enter the picture because they are competition for your attention.

      Please, touch can not save him but you have the power to save yourself and your unborn children.

      Good luck to you
      Hugs
      Carrie

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    2. This is SO late, but RUN! and keep running! 20 yrs, and 3 children. We are still suffering the effects 1 1/2 yrs after separation & divorce. If I had had any idea, there would have been a divorce 19 yrs earlier! You CANNOT change him. EVER. It won’t happen, no matter how much you think your love will work. He is not capable of real love. It’s all about bending you to suit him. My ex is still involved (minor children), so I have to deal with him for 6 more yrs. Trying despretley to do a better job of it. Understand that ALL the control will be HIS if you have children. He will suck away your self esteem, your soul, and every bit of self worth you have, and it’ll be done with such sophisticated manipulation, you’ll never see it coming. Run, don’t walk. God, how I wish I had known!

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  8. Hi. What a great article, thank you so much, but HELP! I have a good friend who has been involved with a text book female narcissist for almost 3 years (1.5 years in a relationship & 1.5 on & off). What a ride he’s been through, she totally destroyed him. He’s been doing so well for the last couple of months, but she’s now back & he’s let her back “in”! In the past I’ve done everything you’ve suggested above…read articles, listened, empathised & even enrolled in short courses on personality disorders to try & understand & help. He’s also fully aware of what she is, he’s read 100’s of articles & forums himself. From the outside looking in its hard to understand what a victim is experiencing or why when a victim knows the danger of what the narc is like why would you knowingly put yourself through this & recommit. So I guess I’m looking for advice or help to understand & further help him or is being a soft place to fall hindering his progress.

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    1. Ok, first your friend has to want to stop the relationship. Ns are addictive. Where can you find someone who gives you, initially, more attention than you have probably ever had, tell you that you are just what they have been seaching for and makes you feel like you are the most important person in their world. Second your friend has to accept if it walks like a duck quacks like etc..then it is an N. Ns cannot be fixed. I repeat cannot be fixed because the do not understand they have a problem and never will. They do not have the major emotion that keeps us balanced EMPATHY nor can they ever aquire it. This happen in their childhood and cannot be conditioned or trained back into their emotional character. Ns are addictive. They are generally Charasmatic (sp) charming, sexy, the life of the party and physically attactive. These are the tools of the N. They need these tools to suck us into their lives so they and drain us of ours. They project on their N supply what ever the supply needs inorder to suduce and control us. They are master liars because to them it is just another part of their tool box to control. Until your friend hits bottom like any other addict it won’t change. The addict has to acknowledge they have a problem and call upon a higher power to help them. The only way to get over an N is to have ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT, REMOVE ALL PICTURES, MOMENTOS, LETTERS, ETC FROM YOUR LIFE.
      Then as thoughts start to wonder back to the good times when you were the Ns primary supply and could do no wrong you must have some method to divert you thoughts to another place. I actually use the term ” apple pie, apple pie” sounds stupid; but if you repeat what ever you choose enough you actually force yourself to start desensitize. Remind yourself of the BAD TIMES AND WRITE THEM DOWN. Keep this list handy. If you use social media cut off all access to information pictures etc. Remember they have moved on in their lives. They don’t even think about you and you are wasting your life waiting for a txt or call. They only come back when there is no other supply. When a new supply surfaces they are gone and you are stuck in the “do loop as in do it over again etc”. But first and formost your friend has to decide to move forward. He has to walk through the pain, feel it, cry it out and continue to take a step each day.

      I will tell you there will be times when you think you got it and you are over it; but, unfortunately there will be something that will remind you of that high you shared in the past and it will put you back in a spin. So when that happens go back to your list of bad treatment, your mind blocking thought procedure and your affirmation to not let these soul sucking monsters to take yours. Take it from a mature woman who went throught this for many years, this is one of the hardest thing I have experenced in life. Don’t waste 4 years of your life asking why. Seek help and show the N the thing they hate most: that you have a happy and successful life without them. God bless.

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