Happy New Year, Welcome 2017!

 

welcome-2017I am not a big fan of new year resolutions, never have been, never made one that I kept; so I stopped making them years ago. This year I am not making new year resolutions but I AM making new year intentions. 

I think resolutions put a lot of pressure on us and we set ourselves up to fail, whereas, intentions mean you are going to try to make some changes. I used to diet, a lot! and the minute I decided I was never going to eat chocolate cake again all I could think about was chocolate cake.

I never did say “I will never speak to my ex again”, it was too final, too “over”, too much for my heart to bare. Just thinking I would never talk to him again made me want to call.
I did it hour by hour, day by day, and the longer I went without contacting him the more I didn’t want to contact him because he always made me feel bad and I wanted to feel good. I knew any “high” I got from contact with him would dissipate quickly with the end result of me crying and being hurt, filled with self doubt, so now it has been 5 years and I would be hard pressed to come up with the day of our last contact.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with life and what works for them, I share my experience and thoughts in hope they help others, whether it’s to learn from my mistakes or my successes makes no difference, as long as something is learned and beneficial to someone.

Even though I don’t make resolutions I do evaluate the passing year/s and think about what I want to accomplish in the coming year. Years fly by so quickly now, I find it is easy to have them slip by and before you know it 10 years have gone by and you have changed or done nothing yet aren’t happy. As in the 10 years I stayed with the narcissist.

My ex used to quote Oprah and Dr Phil as proof he was so enlightened, using the experts to prove his point, he especially liked “You can’t change anyone else, you can only change yourself” or in other words, “If you want someone to change you have to change yourself.” Which is correct but not in the way he meant it to. What it means is; if you don’t like the way someone treats you, you can only change how you deal with it, which could very well mean you have to walk away. I also believe we teach people how to treat us; no we don’t teach them to abuse us but by allowing it and forgiving time after time, we are teaching them that they can do whatever they want and we will always forgive them. Sometimes we have to walk away. I know I forgave my ex because I was afraid if I didn’t I would lose him, but what was I losing? I could explain until I was blue in the face why his actions hurt me and nothing changed.

I was tagged in a Facebook post during the holidays that got me really thinking, well the holidays really had me thinking about my life, my attitude, my people skills. The person was angry, hurting and saying that a positive attitude does not fix everything. I don’t recall ever saying it did and I don’t think I am an overly positive person; but then, that can be how you look at it. I told my brother that someone thought I was too positive, he laughed and said, “You aren’t positive at all!” Which was just as offensive as being told I am too positive. But my brother really has not paid much attention to my life either, he doesn’t know what I have been through, where I have lived, my struggles; only what my mother has told him and that thought is scary because my mom has some pretty far out views and misconceptions, if she even listens to what you are saying before she is telling you what you did wrong or need to do to change things.

As some of you may know, I spent Christmas at my brother’s with my son, mother, step dad, etc. I noticed something happening even prior to Christmas that I didn’t like and didn’t know how to handle which has motivated one of my intentions for 2017. All families have a way of interacting that is pretty ingrained, which isn’t a bad thing if it is healthy, but I find myself getting very upset and offended. I know my brother and son love me and don’t mean to hurt me and I have no desire to start a fight with either of them. I don’t want to get into a debate about what they said or meant by what they said and I know it will end up with them telling me I am too sensitive and me removing myself from the situation. I want to have a relationship with my son and brother that we all enjoy, I want them to enjoy spending time with me and I most definitely want to enjoy my time with them. Which is not the way things are now.

I am sure they would both deny it but I feel they treat me like I am stupid, it feels to me that everything I say is met with an argument and I get sick of it and when I defend myself I am told I am looking for a fight. For example: I mentioned that while we lived in Clearwater the 4 dogs were really good at dinner time and would sit and wait for their dinner. My son laughed and said “No way!!” he insisted there was always a fighting amongst the dogs at meal time. I ended up text messaging the girl that owned the boys and asking her what meal time was like. My son wanted to know why it was so important to me that I was right that I had to message her, my question is “Why was it so important to him to contradict me to the point I felt I had to prove my point?”

I can laugh at myself as well as anyone but when it is a constant barrage of insults, arguments and little jabs, I lose my sense of humor. There was a cougar hanging around the house and I was nervous to walk with Stella to the cabin late at night, I believe rightfully so considering there were cougar prints outside the cabin door in the morning but the guys laughed at me and said I was over reacting. But I left and my nephew stayed in the cabin and they gave him a shotgun to pack when he walked to the cabin. Not that I wanted a shotgun, I just wanted to be walked to the cabin and not laughed at.

I ended up being very quiet and doing a lot of writing and thinking. There were other things that happened, nothing major but I want my relationships to be the best they can be and confrontation rarely works.

When I got home and checked my email and there was a course being offered, something like, “Getting rid of bad Family Karma”, it costs $25 us, and I immediately paid for it (thanks to some donations I received before Christmas). I haven’t started the course yet but will share what I learn as I go. I also bought a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer “Intentions” and am looking forward to reading what he has to say.

Maybe all your relationships with your family and friends have been smooth and wonderfully fulfilling and rewarding and the narcissist was the only one who ever hurt you and that you had problems with but I can’t say that and I don’t many people can. I believe that you can study the traits of a narcissist and not be safe from getting involved with another one. Your best chance of not getting sucked in by another narcissist is by changing how you communicate and how you deal with other people.

Plus I believe there is a tendency for a victim of a narcissist to see narcissistic traits in almost everyone or to second guess themselves when they do meet a narcissist and question whether they are just being too sensitive because of their experience with the narcissist.

I vowed a long time ago to just be honest with my feelings and not try to guess what people mean or why they act the way they do, to take things at face value and not assign feelings to people that they may not be feeling. But when it comes to the people we love it is not so easy. I hope to grow in this area in 2017.

Another intention I have for 2017 is to become more regimented as far as doing posts for the blog and pursuing other avenues and platforms for my activism, hopefully some that will bring in some regular income.

So……. all that said, my Intentions for 2017 are in many ways the same ones I had last year, to grow and become a better person; grow, improve and continue to help people through my blog and most importantly improve my relationship with my son by changing how I interact with him.

What are your intentions for 2017?

Many of you may think that 2016 was one of the worst years for you but I think it is one of your best years, because you did something for yourself and you grew as a person.

Remember in 2017 to look forward and not back.

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Merry Christmas and New Year Resolutions

I am with my family at my brother’s but I wanted to take a minute to say Merry Christmas to you all and give a few words of encouragement to those of you who are having a terrible day and feeling lonely. I CAN relate and I can assure you that you will get through this and things will get better.merry-christmas-images-knvirlmt

My ex and I split at the end of November and were still very much in contact that first Christmas. He, in typical narcissist fashion had been bitching to all his friends about how badly I treated him and he had invitations for Christmas day. I, on the other hand had moved into a stranger’s trailer (a friend of a friend who worked out of town and was only home for a couple of weeks at Christmas and again in spring), my mother wasn’t talking to me, and my son lived in another province. I was not invited to attend the family Christmas dinner, I was broke, heart broken, and thought surely I would run out of tears soon, no one could possibly cry that much. I would sit and stare into space forgetting to blink, I thought maybe I could forget to breath and die, but no such luck.

Sometimes I forget how far I have come since then, some of the things I have accomplished.

I strongly advise any recent victims of narcissistic abuse to start a journal, if you are still with the narcissist even better. Make sure you don’t let the narcissist know you are writing a journal because he will read it and the less he knows the better. There is a tendency for the victim to want the narcissist to know how much he is hurting them in hopes he will feel bad. Because they know how badly they would feel if they found out they were hurting someone as much as you are hurting, but you have to remember that the narcissist does not hurt and gets off on your pain.

Journal so you can look back and remember how bad it was and how no matter how many things you tried you could never make him happy. So when the new year comes and you are filled with self doubt you can read how you kept repeating history over and over again like GroundHog Day and nothing ever changed.

If you are with the narcissist, he has undoubtedly ruined another celebration and you are crying and alone, didn’t get any gifts, ended up being told it was all your fault he is miserable or he didn’t show up for dinner at all. I remember one Thanksgiving my ex stayed in bed all day, another Thanksgiving he showed up hours late after we head off eating for 2 hours waiting for him because he didn’t answer his phone. There were the Christmas’s we were supposed to go to his family and never got there, no turkey, no gifts, and he never even called to tell them we weren’t coming and they would wait until they couldn’t wait any longer for us to walk through the door. They eventually stopped asking us and I eventually stopped expecting to celebrate any special occasions.

When we split and he was the life of the party with invitations to numerous houses for dinner, it was easy to feel miserable. Here I was, the one who had always made Christmas so special, who decorated the whole house and baked for months prior to Christmas, sitting home alone.

Things have never been the same since. That is one thing you really must accept, you will never go back to your “old self”, with work on your part, you will be a new and improved version of yourself. I have found that Christmas is overrated, what matters is how people treat you all year long. Most people are not having a Brady Bunch, Ozzie and Harriet Christmas.  The people who matter are the ones who cherish you all year long and when you start cherishing yourself, the people who don’t treat you well won’t matter.

I still love Christmas, but I almost prefer to be alone and celebrate time with my family all through the year.

I hope that you all got through the day ok, it is almost over and tomorrow is another day.

You have all been on my mind.

Lets all look forward to the new year with a positive attitude and determined to be the best we can be.

 

 

 

 

Update And A Plea

I think the last time I asked for donations was last year this time or shortly after Christmas, when I had to move back to the coast.

I am not even going to beat around the bush, I am in big trouble financially, or I would never ask for help.

The longer a person is on welfare the deeper they get until there is no where to go. I have applied for disability and been denied again, it was the last time I could dispute my being denied so now if I want to apply I have to start all over with a new application.

I get $610 a month to live on and that includes $375 for rent. There is no place for rent for $375 and I am lucky to get the basement where I am living, it is the friend of my mom’s and that is the only reason I am allowed. There is no kitchen but at least it is warm and dry, I have the internet and cablevision. It is not a good location and I need my car because it is hilly , so even if I want to take Stella for a walk I have to drive somewhere. Consequently she is getting quite fat. I feel bad, she need a lot more exercise but my heart just does not allow me to walk hills.

The surgery they screwed up took a toll on my health and I have never fully recovered, I was feeling not too badly before the surgery but now I have dizzy spells, my heart races for no reason and I will feel like I am going to pass out. They are going to try again on January 9th to hook up the wires to the pacemaker, I am very hesitant but have no choice if I want any kind of life. It is almost a cruel joke that they got the wire for the defibrillator hooked up and not the pacemaker, I won’t die but I can’t live a life worth living. If I try to work I will have a heart attack but my defibrillator will shock me and keep me alive anyway.

I have sunk into a depression I haven’t been able to battle my way out of. Try as I might I struggle just to get through the day. I haven’t been doing many posts because I just can’t get motivated. I am hoping that the surgery on January 9th will be a success and I will be able to work again, but in the mean time I am being sent to collections because I couldn’t pay off Stella’s vet bill from when she swallowed the fishing hook and I just discovered they bounced my car insurance a couple of days ago. $72 for insurance for the month and the insurance place charges $18 on NSF payments and the bank charged me $48. It bounced last month too but my son sent me money to cover it. I guess because I paid the other one late I forgot about this month but I didn’t have the money anyway.

If you are new to the blog you don’t know the struggles I have had with my health and finances for 6 years.

If you have been helped by the blog and have the means to help out I would be forever grateful. If you have donated before, please do not feel pressured to give again, it seems it i always the same few people who send me donations.

I have over 2500 followers, if everyone gave a dollar I would be laughing, but that is not likely, if half gave $5, that would be all my prayers answered.

I know times are tough and I hate to even ask.

 

That Smirk, Those Eyes, Can Freeze The Blood In The Victim’s Veins

At first you don’t know what it is exactly that makes you uncomfortable. My ex wore glasses, tinted usually; so you couldn’t really see his eyes and I thought he was extremely handsome as long as he kept his glasses on. But when he had his glasses off I avoided looking at his eyes, they made me feel very uncomfortable, I was repelled by them. There was nothing warm and loving about them, they scared me. Thankfully, or maybe unfortunately, he didn’t go without his glasses often. He had a picture of himself from a few years before I met him, it was like looking at the devil himself; and it could freeze you in your tracks or make you recoil.

I only saw it maybe a dozen times at the most in 10 years and it was something I preferred to forget or pretend never happened. It would be easy to pretend I didn’t see what I saw because he could recover from it like nothing ever happened while I would still be trying to absorb what just happened. A person doesn’t want to believe evil exists so when he would come back like nothing ever happened it was a lot easier to pretend nothing happened than to try and figure out exactly what I was dealing with.

cartoon-evilevil

We have an idea of what “evil” looks like from movies, books, even fairy tales; we sure don’t expect evil to look exactly like the person we love with all our hearts. If we tell people about our experiences, the minute we mention that he has a “smirk” and there is something about his eyes that scares us; they shut down and start acting like we are crazy, change the subject or walk away. Everyone continues to remain their friend and we doubt what we saw. After all it is so ambiguous, it’s a “feeling” and a fleeting feeling at that.

During our 10 year relationship there were times I feared for my life and it was at those times I left him. It seemed he could only be normal for so long before things would start to unravel for him, he would slowly start acting more insane, become more violent and out of control. The minute we split up he would be the sweet, kind, soft hearted man I met, crying and professing his love for me and swearing I had misunderstood his intentions, was paranoid or he was only responding to my craziness.

Near the end he started acting really crazy and his sister was living with us so I had a witness, which made it easier to believe and harder to ignore.  Like one night I woke up at 3am and he was nowhere to be found so I went out to the barn to look for him and he was came towards me out of the shadows with something in each hand; a couple of dead chickens. I was speechless and just went back in the house. The next day I went looking around the farm and there was a pile of dead chickens near the barn. To this day I don’t know what that was about. Then another time I went out to look for him in the barn I called out for him and didn’t hear a sound, the lights were all out so I went to the far end to flip the light switch and that is when I saw the red ember of his cigarette across the barn. I flipped the light switch and he was standing there, leaning against the wall smoking. Totally freaked me out.

His abuse got more blatant, not caring if he attacked me in front of his sister; he was pissed at her because she hadn’t taken his word over mine. I have given up trying to figure out what he plans were because the thought patterns of a psychopath, what they determine to be right or wrong or justified, will never compute to a normal person. I know he felt he was justified in doing whatever it took for him to get my truck. I know that whether I died or not made no difference to him as long as he was not suspected in my death.

When you are in the middle of it, the gas lighting, the lies, the manipulation, you are not thinking clearly; it is impossible! You think you are, you are caught up in the game of clue, figuring out what he is up to, catching him. You think you have one up on him when you catch him and prove you were right all along, he was lying. I see women go years , literally years, I did; caught up in the need to be right. The thing is, every time you prove you are right and he is doing what you suspected him of, he always denies it and makes you feel guilty, so you stay……… until you have proof.

You must, keep your head in reality, not succumb to the challenge of “fixing” him, proving you are right, being better than all the other women, and face the truth;

  • No, he does not love you, he is incapable of love

But how can you be sure he is a narcissist and it isn’t you?

Look around you, do you know of any other woman who tolerates this treatment from the man who is supposed to love her?

A normal loving relationship does not involve walking on eggshells, lying, belittling, a feeling of impending doom, being tortured emotionally by your partner, ever! a normal loving relationship is never an emotional roller coaster.

A person who loves you takes no pleasure in your pain and would never smirk when they realize they hurt you.

Those reptilian eyes that make you recoil and your gut twist in knots, are telling you all you need to know, this person is not normal or safe.

 

People Who Build Bridges and Those Who Burn Them

burning-bridge
Sometimes you might have to burn a bridge to keep the narcissist from following you. And you have to be choosy about which bridges you choose to cross.

You may have noticed I changed the header picture on the blog. I took the picture this summer while Stella and I were at the river. We were wandering along the river, no houses in site, no sign of people and then there in the middle of nowhere is a foot bridge someone obviously put a lot of time and effort into building.

Of course I was intrigued to see where it led and tentatively put one foot on the bridge to test it for strength, it felt solid so I tried two feet and it held. It wasn’t far to fall if it did break but I really didn’t want to get wet. I was kinda nervous crossing the bridge because I didn’t know what would be on the other side but the bridge held, there was nothing scary on the other side and Stella and I went on our way. Ever since then I have wondered who built that sturdy little bridge and why they bothered.

What also surprised me is that no one had destroyed it! Usually when someone obviously works hard to create something, someone will come along and destroy it, maybe it is built so strong that it would take too much effort to destroy it?

Here comes one of my famous (joke) analogies; the world is full of people who build bridges and people who destroy or “burn” their bridges.

bridges-and-dams

The selfish people who lack empathy burn or wreck the bridge because they don’t want anyone to attain what they do, as if there is only so much good stuff to go around and if they help someone else somehow they will lose out. Narcissists are the bridge burners, once they are done with a victim they feel they must destroy them and any hope the victim has of ever leading a happy fulfilling life. In the narcissist’s sick mind if he doesn’t destroy the victim before he leaves he hasn’t done the job, he failed, he loses and the victim wins. It is hard for a normal person to get their head around that kind of logic; if he leaves the victim with anything, including their self respect and esteem he somehow loses. The narcissist is like some kind of toxic leech that not only has to feed off of a live host, he won’t move on to the new host until he has sucked the first host dry.

84f9d5915d797a8378236520a25b08c9

A narcissist sees no point in helping others be successful unless there is a benefit to them, why would they? that just seems stupid to them. They will con someone into building the bridge for them and then they will either charge a toll to use it or burn it so no one else can use it. With my ex ,everything had a price tag and everyone was fair game. He told me once that he would screw his own grandmother (not in the literal sense, he meant figuratively in a business deal. But as I say that, he probably would screw his own grandmother if she was willing)

Empaths build bridges. Their way of thinking is; if I have to go through this I will make it easier for the next guy, I will help the people who come behind me. Why? why not? Like the when the welfare worker asked me why on earth I would have a blog that I put so much effort into, if I was not getting paid.

Or the cop who investigated my ex’s claims I was inciting violence against him through my blog, who asked me why else would I have the blog of not to disparage my ex. He totally understood when I told him that I would never stop sharing my experience because silence that perpetuates domestic abuse and I hoped that sharing my story would save someone else from the same fate or worse.

I also had a selfish ulterior motive and that was; I didn’t trust myself to not attempt suicide again. I didn’t trust myself to value my life enough to keep fighting and to do the work necessary to heal BUT if I declared to the world I was going to heal and survive I couldn’t very well go and kill myself. What message would that send? I valued the lives of strangers more than I valued my own, but at least I knew that about myself and used it to save my life.

Another selfish reason I had for starting the blog was; it gave meaning to everything I had been through. If I didn’t use the experience to help others, if I didn’t experience personal growth and if it didn’t somehow make me a better person; then I had wasted 10 years and lost everything I owned, for nothing and I couldn’t live with that.

I feel it is the responsibility of every person to do what they can to make the world a better place; the narcissist does everything he can to destroy the world and anyone who crosses his path. It makes life harder on the empaths in the world, especially when you marry or elect one. In typical narcissist fashion Trump wants to build a wall instead of a bridge.

What is the point of this post? I guess my point is this:

bridge-not-going-back

I know most of you are hurting, feel emotionally raped and like you will never be happy again but please try to view this as a chance to grow, become a more authentic version of yourself and be a bridge for people who will come behind you. It doesn’t have to be through a blog or any obvious way; you can be a bridge, a light to other victim if you will; by NOT hanging your head in shame or hiding the truth from the world. Be the ear to some victim of abuse when they need to be heard, reach out in friendship when you see abuse happening, mentor a young girl so she knows she is complete and “good enough” without a man. Teach your children how a woman should be treated and show them by example how a strong woman behaves, it is not enough to tell them, you must walk your talk. Be the woman your daughter and son respect.

Even if you don’t have children of your own, you can still be a strong role model. View yourself as you would a friend or your daughter………what would you say to her, what would you wish for her, what does she deserve? and then do it for yourself. Sure it’s a lot of work and it will take time and it means stepping into the unknown, it means leaving your comfort zone, (doesn’t it just make you furious that your “comfort” zone is a place that causes you so much discomfort?)

 

Rewiring Your Brain For The Holidays

(It has taken me a week to write this post, I started before Thanksgiving but I have been going through a depression lately due to my health and being denied disability yet again. I simply have not been functioning, the house didn’t get cleaned, I didn’t answer the phone, I withdrew. I am ok, just grappling with this living day to day lifestyle I am forced to live with. This is not the life I saw for myself and I struggle with being alone, not with being without a man during the holidays, I am ok with that. It’s the not being with my boy and my granddaughter. When you only have one child it’s just the way it is sometimes. Anyway, here is the post I have been working on)

brain-ewired

It’s that time of year again; Thanksgiving, with Christmas in hot pursuit; and you are already anticipating how lonely and sad you are going to be. If you are in contact with the ex narc he is taking every opportunity to rub salt in your wounds by making a big deal of gift giving, attending functions with the new woman and showing the world just how happy and in love he is.

The little voice in your head is repeating the mantra, “Maybe it was all your fault.” “You are going to be so lonely” “You will never love like you loved the narcissist ever again”, “If only he would have loved you like you love him”, “If only he was the man you met” (but he is with the new woman, he is that way with every woman when he first meets them, until he has them firmly hooked), “All you wanted was for him to love you”, “Maybe if you wouldn’t have confronted him about the other woman, not coming home, the personal ads, not having a job, or whatever else you confronted him on; he would be with you this Christmas and there is always the, “What if the light finally went on for him and new woman is reaping the rewards of all your hard work?”.

You have a whole month to get yourself really depressed by Christmas and you could come up with many reasons why it is the narc’s fault. 

You would be correct that he is to blame for much of your pain and I am not trying to diminish the narc’s responsibility for your pain; but if you ever want to get past the pain you have to somehow start viewing the whole experience with realistic eyes. You have to keep bringing yourself back to reality. 

You allowed yourself to get sucked into the fantasy, you didn’t realize it was a fantasy but it was and in the end you were lying to yourself as much as he was lying, in fact; in the end you were the one doing most of the lying, he was showing his true colors and you blindly refused to see or accept it. It’s hard to give up your dream, your fantasy. I know, believe me I know; when I was going through it I was thinking, “Yeah, it’s easy for you to say that, you have never loved like I love my ex. What we had was special, I loved/love him with my whole being, with every fibre of myself.” I truly never thought I would stop loving him, I clung to my pain and to that “love” like it was my lifeline. I thought I had to know what he was doing, I had to love him; loving him had become as much a part of me as breathing, eating, functioning day to day.  Even if I could talk to him once a day I could function, but go no contact? The thought of it was enough to put me into a panic attack.

We had a pattern, he would say it was over, I would move  out, he would start being nice, call to see if I had eaten supper, my truck would break down and I would have to call him to rescue me, we would be friendly, I would pretend to be casual, he would try to get sexy and I would pretend to say no, we would end up in bed, I would assume we were back together, he would stay the night and not leave, and the cycle would continue. After we had done it half a dozen times I thought, that is just the way we are, we will never really break up. The last two times we got back together I didn’t believe his lies but I told myself, “It can’t be my fault if he hurts me because he is lying, how can it be MY fault?!” It was easier to believe the lies than walk away”

The moment I knew I had to let go of that dream was when he was gloating to me when his ex died and had spent the last 15 years of her life pining away for him, stalking him, warning the new women in his life and the whole time she would have taken him back in a heartbeat. She couldn’t let go of the fantasy, even though she could recite everything he did to her and how much he hurt her, you could tell when you listened to her that she still loved him and had sacrificed the rest of her life to revenge, she had become her pain, it became her identity. I could relate; she had lived to love him and ended up living to mourn the loss of him. I was not going to be like her, I was not going to go to my grave caring what he was doing or who.  Spend 15 years reciting all the ways he hurt me and packing venomous hatred that would slowly kill me? I don’t think so!

  Before my ex, I used to believe that we had no control over what we thought; victims say it all the time, “I can’t stop thinking about him and the new woman, I can’t stop wondering if I was to blame.” Although it is easier to just let your mind take you on these pity trips and keep you in victimhood, you CAN change what you think about if you are diligent about making yourself face reality. Every time your mind starts to lie to you, repeating the same mantra over and over again, you have to argue with it (if you are out in public it is best to have this argument in your head and not use your outloud voice). 

It won’t be easy, breaking bad habits seldom is, you have been brainwashed,neuro pathways were formed in your brain and every time you are triggered to think a certain way your brain takes the path of least resistance, it goes where it knows, which embeds those thoughts or beliefs even deeper in your brain. But all is not lost, the brain CAN be retrained and new pathways can be made and over time and practice you will develop healthier and deeper pathways than the ones left by the narcissist. Here is an excerpt from an article I read on the topic of trauma survivors; 

Here is how it works: as a young person, probably around the age of 15 or 16, you learned to drive a car; this took a great deal of intentional thought and effort. Remember how you gripped the steering wheel and carefully executed every action? Now, you hop into the driver’s seat without giving it a second thought. This is because your brain laid down a neuro pathway for the completion of this task; from start to finish, a set of synapses occur to complete the action.
In trauma, a similar pathway is set down; it can even be additionally ingrained due to shock or intensity. Therefore, when a single trigger or set of triggers occur, the emotions associated with the trauma are revisited.

But, due to neuroplasticity, this does not always have to be the case. New pathways can be created through changes in behavior, environment and neuro processes. Not only is the brain capable of creating new pathways, it is designed to do so. The brain is highly resilient and desires flexibility. The brain functions at its best when it is limber and rich with options. The incredible thing is that the human brain has a very real desire to heal itself.

Creating new pathways necessitates a great deal of awareness, mindfulness and acknowledgment of the present. Yet, in time, these new pathways will eclipse the old, thus allowing trauma survivors. 

You can find the full article here:

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95% of the time a person is thinking with their subconscious mind, that is scary when you think how twisted your thinking became after being with the narcissist, the warped way he expected you to view things; is it any wonder you are having trouble dealing.

I know personally how a person’s mind can lie to them. I have shared before about being anorexic/bulimic for almost 20 years and how when I looked in a mirror I saw fat, it didn’t matter how much weight I lost, feeling skinny was as fleeting as my next meal. I weighed myself 20 or more times a day, being up a pound could send me into a tailspin and depression and self doubt. It took me years before I could look in the mirror and see that I was not fat, every time I looked in the mirror and thought I looked heavy I would tell myself that my mind was lying to me, I was not fat and prove to myself that I was not fat; I threw my scale out, (no contact with the scale), that was a huge step! and I gauged if I was gaining weight by how my clothes fit, I joined a gym, I ate healthy and I allowed myself to “fail” once in awhile.

I still have cognitive dissonance when I paint something or write something; I never think it is any good at the time I am doing it, but later I will see something I painted and find myself thinking it’s pretty good and then realize I painted it, or I enjoy reading an article that sounds familiar and  realize I wrote it.

I admit I still have a ways to go on the self confidence front. I used to think I was the only one who had self doubt, but you know what? I think almost everyone has it from time to time. Narcissists have learned to monopolize on everyone’s insecurities and then criticizes the victim for being insecure and needing reinforcement.

Some people would disagree with me but I believe self improvement is a lifelong process, you never finish the job and if there is something you don’t like about yourself you can always change it.

So what does all this have to do with Christmas and being happy through the holidays? Being sad and lonely is totally a mind thing, your mental attitude can be helped a lot by how you view your life, if you believe the lies your mind is telling you and if you let go of your expectations.

Most families are NOT having a Norman Rockwell Christmas and you and your ex certainly didn’t have them. People on FaceBook post pics that would make you think otherwise, but believe me, there are more family fights and tears through the holidays than any other time of year and a lot of it is because of expectations and disappointment.

If you have children you have a responsibility to make it special for them, you can fake it for a day or two for your kids can’t you? I know it is hard, it seems the narcissist is all you can think about or talk about but if you can put your mind to something else, anything else (except finding another man) I think you will find people are much more supportive and friendly to you. People are uncomfortable around unhappy people, people get bored hearing the same complaints over and over again. Yes, you need to talk about it but you also have to learn to not talk about him/her, it’s all part of retraining your brain to think about other things.

You will never regret time spent on self improvement but trust me, you WILL regret the time you waste obsessing about him and what he is doing. If you are going to be alone through the holiday season think about volunteering at a soup kitchen, seniors home or animal shelter, places are always short of staff through the holiday season. If you have money, how about contacting your nearest women’s shelter and adopt a family this Christmas. I have already done that this year, a woman with 3 children just left her abusive ex with nothing. I don’t have much money but it was amazing what I was able to find when I dug through cupboards and I painted them each a Christmas bauble.  To help someone else always makes me feel better, it feels good to do nice things for people, and most people are very appreciative.

But no matter what happens, remember Christmas day only has 24 hours, just like any other day and you can do anything for 24 hours.

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Blame the victim? Domestic violence as covered in The Sun and The Guardian – Michele Lloyd and Shulamit Ramon

Inforrm's Blog

image-20161122-11012-15asg9rDomestic violence is an enduring problem in the UK: an average of two women a week continue to be killed by their current or former partner. It’s a widespread and important story, and – like all news media – newspapers make a decision about how to report this issue.

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