QUOTES FROM SOME VICTIMS
“My biggest frustration and source of anger, is at those who have refused to take a stand when they saw the abuse perpetrated by my N ex-husband. No matter how outrageous his behaviour others often stood by and inadvertently fueled his denial……although denial is too mild a word for what N’s practice. It still takes my breath away when I recall the casual dismissal of my person by this N. it took a long time to recover, I had to figure it out on my own and then needed others to know what was happening to heal and help me get away. But it’s so hard to explain unless you experience it up close. I mean people would see the behaviours but never put the whole picture together.”
JC used to accuse me of making him look like an asshole by talking to people about our relationship. My reply; “If me telling the truth about our relationship makes you look like an asshole then maybe you should stop acting like an asshole”
“A walk in the Garden of Eden turns into a gut-wrenching rollercoaster ride in Hell Park. Someone who claims to love you can seem like an angel but spends most of their time being vicious and evil, often in sneaky ways, undermining you and your life. The word “abuse” doesn’t seem enough to express the torture”
“Now he is getting in touch again and I don’t know why (he loves me, more use out of me, to hurt me – but why??) and I am a wreck. He knows my buttons and he pushed them with finesses. I still feel the pull and though I consciously know he’s an asshole (sorry) and I am disgusted and furious, I’m having a lot of trouble internalizing that point. I took a huge emotional risk and crashed – and it REALLY hurts. I feel like I was set up and I don’t feel like myself.”
“The more you allow contact the harder it will be. You have to decide on boundaries and keep them. Every word he says, every gesture, every point of contact is chinking away at your heart and your resolve crumbles. He will tell you what you want to hear…..he has spent a life time learning how to manipulate. He is poison”
“These people are trained in militarist warfares of the mind. Most of us are no match because we FEEL, we CARE, and we LOVE. All of these emotions impact our decision making abilities. A narcissist could care less about any of these emotions, he/she DOES NOT FEEL, at ALL, except perhaps the negative emotions such as RAGE, ANGER, and HATRED.
“Charming, seducing, angelic…..and lying, betraying, manipulating; these people carve a swath of misery in their wake. They damage the lives of almost everyone they encounter. And yet, we think it’s our fault that we tolerated their abuse.”
No doubt your N turned around and solicited the sympathy of his next mark by howling, “LOOK what she did to me!” and of course you are standing there with nothing but invisible psychic wounds.
“Anyone who hasn’t been in the frontlines trying to deal with an N simply can’t get their heads around the devastation they cause to ones life. The stories are so bizarre that it’s easier for them to believe that YOU’RE the disturbed one. However, little by little I am being given understanding and support, and that’s been extremely validating.
“I was the only non man-basher when the gals got together once a month. I used to listen to them complain and think how very silly they were. They didn’t know how great they had it. How do you explain the horrendous behaviour of an N to anyone unless they see it….how do you tell anybody of the incredibly horrible things they do to degrade you into hell and explain why you haven’t left them”
“Men or women CANNOT express this confusing world to anybody who hasn’t been there. It is HELL on earth. And so is the recovery process. I don’t think I will ever be capable of believing anyone again or taking the chance of any more torture.”
“Non-victims can’t understand this, but the N really does suck the life out of a caring person.”
“It was like trying to raise another kid, but an irrational mean one at that. One who couldn’t, wouldn’t learn and it was all my fault”
“He cheated on me endlessly, used women for money and sex, kept telling me it was my fault, and the sorry thing is I believed him because of low self-esteem. So for years I thought that if I tried a little harder, worked harder, pleased him more, did more, then he would wake up and see what a wonderful person I am….but no. He would blame everything that happened to us on me.”
“I tried to tell people about our home life and it sounded too made-up and crazy …….how could this wonderful, charismatic man be so bad?”
“I knew that his emotional world was comparable to the way a shark feeds. Sharks are a great metaphor for the emotional world of an N. their whole being, I mean every word, gesture and action is to present a false picture and to supply their insatiable need to avoid emotional contact with others without losing their supply and false sense of perfection. It’s quite a balancing act for them and you better believe that they are very good at it because they have been at it since childhood and for them it is a matter of survival.
“They steal the innocent, harmless fun out of life…..it’s like you find yourself in a position where all the good things and good intentions in the world are somehow blocked from applying to you. As though they poison the sunlight. They try to gag and ban the truth….You get to feeling like there is no safety, no hiding place, no-one you can trust”
“They are trapped in the mind of a two year old, and they possess no cognitive ability to reason, to negotiate, to cooperate, to give and take, to love, to empathize. Rather their lives consist of ultimatums, demands, greed, egocentric thinking, bullying, temper tantrums, and a plethora of ‘I wants’ and ‘Give me’s’”
“It was as if I had been thrown into a clothes dryer and left on the tumble dry cycle-knocking against the side of my walls of disbelief, erratically, bruising, being knocked and jolted about some more, not knowing where the next blow will come from. In that dryer, I remember. In retrospect, I gather the evidence and recount the signposts that I missed, the history of my abuse that I did not know was abuse, the slow, insidious, sadistic rape of my mind and heart and soul. As the proof accrues, and unspeakable reality dawns, I am finally knocked senseless by it, the shock is so great.”
“My boyfriend of 4 yrs constantly cheats on me, he is manipulative, he cares only about himself but pretends to care about me when convenient – he can’t commit, he jumps from job to job a lot, does not know the concept of saving money has bankrupted me and has sucked me into his warped world. I am now co-dependent and a nervous wreck. I constantly snoop through his things. I catch him cheating and he denies it time after time and I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth – is it possible he is a narcissist?”
“The last 10 years I have been involved with a charming and charismatic man. The ten years have been characterized by cycles of what felt to me like intense closeness followed by indifference and rejection. He has told me he loves me, has asked me to marry him then become cold and rejecting. Often the rejection comes after times of especial closeness. Driven to despair by these mixed signals I have ended our relationship several times. When this happens all goes quiet for awhile, then he contacts me, full of charm etc. we get back together and the cycle repeats itself. His attitude towards me has always been ‘fit in or f*** off’
“How do I convince myself that he is as evil as everyone says and how do I stop loving such a horrible person who brings nothing to the table? I have been step-mom, his banker and his keeper for the last 4 years, without gratitude. I have paid his child support and many of his other bills, I have bailed him out of jail-you name it- the problem is just when I have had enough he turns on his charm and sucks me back in. can he really love me or am I only kidding myself?”
“Yes, it hurt SO BAD. I guess what hurts about it is that we loved, in normal healthy ways, and expected the same kind of love back. Not only did we not receive the same love back, but we received evil back. Double Whammy – no love back, and mean hurtful intentional crap.”
“I sometimes wonder why I put up with so much crap and think I always had hopes that it would get better and that keeps us hanging in there until its unbearable. We finally have to give up on them to get ourselves to a position where we can take care of ourselves quit revolving everything around them and their wants, needs, and desires.”
Like many I have gone through the pain of having my life turned inside out as the result of narcissistic abuse. I know how it feels to reach the lowest lows and have to struggle to get my life back. I know how it feels to be so drained emotionally and physically that I can’t work or be productive in any way.
At my lowest point I couldn’t eat or sleep. I couldn’t go to work or socialize with people. My friends and family couldn’t understand the depth of the pain I was in and thought I should just “snap out of it” or “get over it”. I would have loved to be able to just “get over it” But this was one of the most difficult challenges life had brought my way. Even doctors and psychologists couldn’t help me other than to give me medication to help me “cope”. It wasn’t until one of my few friends I had left referred me to a psychiatrist who believed I had been in a relationship with a narcissist, that my desolate world began to have meaning. I could finally at least understand why I was feeling the way I was. I finally had somewhere to go with this. I was not crazy as I had come to believe I was! I made it my mission to understand this strange disorder that left me feeling as if I had been raped on a soul level.
“We have to get mad, get strong, cut our losses, and totally shut them out, and make ourselves available for a GOOD man, or find peace by ourselves. I fought so hard for the relationship the was it could have been (if he weren’t mentally ill) and giving that up is brutal. But it’s growth. By the way – I talk a good talk, but I’m still roadkill.”
“I remember when I started reading up on personality disorders it was right after the first time he hit me – I thought maybe he had a split personality, I could almost see the switch between the two personalities, he didn’t even look the same – the super sweet guy who loved me like no other ever had and the manipulative, out of control, devaluing, vile-tempered, self-absorbed jerk who couldn’t hide his distain for me. I used to try to figure out if his True Self was the Good Guy or the Bad Guy. The truth is there is no True Self, everything about an N is False it is all part of the “game”.
-The False Self has one objective – to have power over others (specifically you). The False Self doesn’t care if this power is in the form of you adoring it or fearing and hating it. If it can make you dance it feels good. They are in control, and that’s primarily what narcissism is all about. So remember this if you think that if you love him enough he will drop the defenses and once again be the Good Guy you met. The Good Guy and Bad Guy are both part of the False Self. As sad as it is to accept he is hollow, empty and pitiful, he is incapable of love.