Quotes From Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse

QUOTES FROM SOME VICTIMS

“My biggest frustration and source of anger, is at those who have refused to take a stand when they saw the abuse perpetrated by my N ex-husband. No matter how outrageous his behaviour others often stood by and inadvertently fueled his denial……although denial is too mild a word for what N’s practice. It still takes my breath away when I recall the casual dismissal of my person by this N. it took a long time to recover, I had to figure it out on my own and then needed others to know what was happening to heal and help me get away. But it’s so hard to explain unless you experience it up close. I mean people would see the behaviours but never put the whole picture together.”

JC used to accuse me of making him look like an asshole by talking to people about our relationship. My reply; “If me telling the truth about our relationship makes you look like an asshole then maybe you should stop acting like an asshole”

“A walk in the Garden of Eden turns into a gut-wrenching rollercoaster ride in Hell Park. Someone who claims to love you can seem like an angel but spends most of their time being vicious and evil, often in sneaky ways, undermining you and your life. The word “abuse” doesn’t seem enough to express the torture”

“Now he is getting in touch again and I don’t know why (he loves me, more use out of me, to hurt me – but why??) and I am a wreck. He knows my buttons and he pushed them with finesses. I still feel the pull and though I consciously know he’s an asshole (sorry) and I am disgusted and furious, I’m having a lot of trouble internalizing that point. I took a huge emotional risk and crashed – and it REALLY hurts. I feel like I was set up and I don’t feel like myself.”

“The more you allow contact the harder it will be. You have to decide on boundaries and keep them. Every word he says, every gesture, every point of contact is chinking away at your heart and your resolve crumbles. He will tell you what you want to hear…..he has spent a life time learning how to manipulate. He is poison”

“These people are trained in militarist warfares of the mind. Most of us are no match because we FEEL, we CARE, and we LOVE. All of these emotions impact our decision making abilities. A narcissist could care less about any of these emotions, he/she DOES NOT FEEL, at ALL, except perhaps the negative emotions such as RAGE, ANGER, and HATRED.

“Charming, seducing, angelic…..and lying, betraying, manipulating; these people carve a swath of misery in their wake. They damage the lives of almost everyone they encounter. And yet, we think it’s our fault that we tolerated their abuse.”

No doubt your N turned around and solicited the sympathy of his next mark by howling, “LOOK what she did to me!” and of course you are standing there with nothing but invisible psychic wounds.

“Anyone who hasn’t been in the frontlines trying to deal with an N simply can’t get their heads around the devastation they cause to ones life. The stories are so bizarre that it’s easier for them to believe that YOU’RE the disturbed one. However, little by little I am being given understanding and support, and that’s been extremely validating.

“I was the only non man-basher when the gals got together once a month. I used to listen to them complain and think how very silly they were. They didn’t know how great they had it. How do you explain the horrendous behaviour of an N to anyone unless they see it….how do you tell anybody of the incredibly horrible things they do to degrade you into hell and explain why you haven’t left them”

“Men or women CANNOT express this confusing world to anybody who hasn’t been there. It is HELL on earth. And so is the recovery process. I don’t think I will ever be capable of believing anyone again or taking the chance of any more torture.”

“Non-victims can’t understand this, but the N really does suck the life out of a caring person.”

“It was like trying to raise another kid, but an irrational mean one at that. One who couldn’t, wouldn’t learn and it was all my fault”

“He cheated on me endlessly, used women for money and sex, kept telling me it was my fault, and the sorry thing is I believed him because of low self-esteem. So for years I thought that if I tried a little harder, worked harder, pleased him more, did more, then he would wake up and see what a wonderful person I am….but no. He would blame everything that happened to us on me.”
“I tried to tell people about our home life and it sounded too made-up and crazy …….how could this wonderful, charismatic man be so bad?”

“I knew that his emotional world was comparable to the way a shark feeds. Sharks are a great metaphor for the emotional world of an N. their whole being, I mean every word, gesture and action is to present a false picture and to supply their insatiable need to avoid emotional contact with others without losing their supply and false sense of perfection. It’s quite a balancing act for them and you better believe that they are very good at it because they have been at it since childhood and for them it is a matter of survival.
“They steal the innocent, harmless fun out of life…..it’s like you find yourself in a position where all the good things and good intentions in the world are somehow blocked from applying to you. As though they poison the sunlight. They try to gag and ban the truth….You get to feeling like there is no safety, no hiding place, no-one you can trust”

“They are trapped in the mind of a two year old, and they possess no cognitive ability to reason, to negotiate, to cooperate, to give and take, to love, to empathize. Rather their lives consist of ultimatums, demands, greed, egocentric thinking, bullying, temper tantrums, and a plethora of ‘I wants’ and ‘Give me’s’”

“It was as if I had been thrown into a clothes dryer and left on the tumble dry cycle-knocking against the side of my walls of disbelief, erratically, bruising, being knocked and jolted about some more, not knowing where the next blow will come from. In that dryer, I remember. In retrospect, I gather the evidence and recount the signposts that I missed, the history of my abuse that I did not know was abuse, the slow, insidious, sadistic rape of my mind and heart and soul. As the proof accrues, and unspeakable reality dawns, I am finally knocked senseless by it, the shock is so great.”

“My boyfriend of 4 yrs constantly cheats on me, he is manipulative, he cares only about himself but pretends to care about me when convenient – he can’t commit, he jumps from job to job a lot, does not know the concept of saving money has bankrupted me and has sucked me into his warped world. I am now co-dependent and a nervous wreck. I constantly snoop through his things. I catch him cheating and he denies it time after time and I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth – is it possible he is a narcissist?”

“The last 10 years I have been involved with a charming and charismatic man. The ten years have been characterized by cycles of what felt to me like intense closeness followed by indifference and rejection. He has told me he loves me, has asked me to marry him then become cold and rejecting. Often the rejection comes after times of especial closeness. Driven to despair by these mixed signals I have ended our relationship several times. When this happens all goes quiet for awhile, then he contacts me, full of charm etc. we get back together and the cycle repeats itself. His attitude towards me has always been ‘fit in or f*** off’

“How do I convince myself that he is as evil as everyone says and how do I stop loving such a horrible person who brings nothing to the table? I have been step-mom, his banker and his keeper for the last 4 years, without gratitude. I have paid his child support and many of his other bills, I have bailed him out of jail-you name it- the problem is just when I have had enough he turns on his charm and sucks me back in. can he really love me or am I only kidding myself?”

“Yes, it hurt SO BAD. I guess what hurts about it is that we loved, in normal healthy ways, and expected the same kind of love back. Not only did we not receive the same love back, but we received evil back. Double Whammy – no love back, and mean hurtful intentional crap.”

“I sometimes wonder why I put up with so much crap and think I always had hopes that it would get better and that keeps us hanging in there until its unbearable. We finally have to give up on them to get ourselves to a position where we can take care of ourselves quit revolving everything around them and their wants, needs, and desires.”

Like many I have gone through the pain of having my life turned inside out as the result of narcissistic abuse. I know how it feels to reach the lowest lows and have to struggle to get my life back. I know how it feels to be so drained emotionally and physically that I can’t work or be productive in any way.
At my lowest point I couldn’t eat or sleep. I couldn’t go to work or socialize with people. My friends and family couldn’t understand the depth of the pain I was in and thought I should just “snap out of it” or “get over it”. I would have loved to be able to just “get over it” But this was one of the most difficult challenges life had brought my way. Even doctors and psychologists couldn’t help me other than to give me medication to help me “cope”. It wasn’t until one of my few friends I had left referred me to a psychiatrist who believed I had been in a relationship with a narcissist, that my desolate world began to have meaning. I could finally at least understand why I was feeling the way I was. I finally had somewhere to go with this. I was not crazy as I had come to believe I was! I made it my mission to understand this strange disorder that left me feeling as if I had been raped on a soul level.

“We have to get mad, get strong, cut our losses, and totally shut them out, and make ourselves available for a GOOD man, or find peace by ourselves. I fought so hard for the relationship the was it could have been (if he weren’t mentally ill) and giving that up is brutal. But it’s growth. By the way – I talk a good talk, but I’m still roadkill.”
“I remember when I started reading up on personality disorders it was right after the first time he hit me – I thought maybe he had a split personality, I could almost see the switch between the two personalities, he didn’t even look the same – the super sweet guy who loved me like no other ever had and the manipulative, out of control, devaluing, vile-tempered, self-absorbed jerk who couldn’t hide his distain for me. I used to try to figure out if his True Self was the Good Guy or the Bad Guy. The truth is there is no True Self, everything about an N is False it is all part of the “game”.

-The False Self has one objective – to have power over others (specifically you). The False Self doesn’t care if this power is in the form of you adoring it or fearing and hating it. If it can make you dance it feels good. They are in control, and that’s primarily what narcissism is all about. So remember this if you think that if you love him enough he will drop the defenses and once again be the Good Guy you met. The Good Guy and Bad Guy are both part of the False Self. As sad as it is to accept he is hollow, empty and pitiful, he is incapable of love.

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673 Replies to “Quotes From Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse”

  1. A poem I wrote last week clled of course “Narcissist”
    You almost succeded in accomplishing what you set out to do…destroy me!
    Snipping away one fine thread at a time…of my sanity!
    Posing as innocent, naive, saint, trustworthy confidant…is the deceiver!
    Delivering lies carried on arrows dripping with honey…upon that which you hate!
    Without soul’s conscience or spirit’s life force…an egg without a yoke…true self revoked!
    Cloaked in goodness you feed freely in your illusion…which you deny!
    Until confusion summonds the savior and your left naked in the truth…of your disguise!
    What life I’ve left though dimmed in heartache will only shine…in loves respect.
    And for you, I have compassion….The true you…you spent a lifetime to forget.

    Tina Maurine Crocker – January 2016

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    1. Thank you Arlene!

      The following poem I wrote 2 years ago during a time while I was being given one of countless and long silent treatments and discarded by my now ex Stealth/covert N boyfriend. I didn’t know then what I know now I was still very much in love with him and in the dark regarding narcissism. I began putting the pieces together about a year ago.

      ABANDONED
      My pain is my own…I must learn to live with it.
      It has become my companion and closest friend. It wells up within me…takes hostage my soul.
      Like a warrior I fought to prevent its destruction…dining on the sweetest treasures of my heart.
      I’m a mere fragment of the beauty that once was. It lays vast the waste of its destruction…leaving a dark motionless emptiness in its path.
      I am weak and weary from battle…my hope is no more. I surrender my longings to it beckoning.
      I am love… I am laughter…I am pain… I am joy… I am love lost

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  2. Correction on the poem. Should read ” Like a warrior I fought to prevent its CONSUMPTION”…dining on the sweetest treasures of my heart.

    Sorry about that!

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  3. Reading all the comments, and all the articles on N.
    I so relate. I feel like no one hears me, no one knows or undersrands. Not even our counselor. She thinks I needs to be on depression meds. WTF!
    And I have known a few N’s. And it seems they are usually Men. But never thought I was ignorant enough to marry one. But that is what makes my story so much harder for people to believe. I am a man, abused by a woman. And we have two children caught in the middle…
    Hi, I’m the guy too fat and ugly for my wife to sleep with. 7 years now I am a forced celibate. And I’m so terrible she keeps thretening divorce. But I have never cheated. I cook, give foot massages, clean, and stay employed no matter what nasty job I have to take to keep my family fed. I wish I knew could find somone who understood. God you know my heart. I just want to be loved and respected.

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    1. We all understand on here…….you are worth so much more than this and it’s exactly because you are a great caring, loving and giving guy that she is able to do what she does. They are leeches who feed of our goodness and when you’re out of the relationship you can see the damage, lies and manipulation so much clearer. However its a long road out of hell but well worth the peace and freedom that no contact eventually brings. I was with my ex for 40 years and married for 36 years. We have four amazing children who witnessed Jekyll and Hyde to the very end when he took our home, possessions, and married a friend who was 72 years old because she had a house and money…. He walked out on all of us like we never existed because he couldn’t have the children telling her the truth! My son (I have one son and three daughters) is so hurt and angry. My daughter gets married next month and her dad won’t be there to give her away. Its his loss but he doesn’t care. They haven’t seen him since he left in 2012.
      He was truly evil and left when I had cancer. I think he thought I was going to die and he would have no one to take care of him so he groomed our old friend and she has lied for him so her marriage is based on lies and deceit and one day she’ll be in the same position as me.
      Its taken 4 years to start over with nothing but I’ve done it with the help of good family, friends and my children…. but we are free from abuse, walking on egg shells and living in hell. I am truly blessed to have my four children and 4 grandchildren and one day he will have nothing and will be alone in his life.
      I am so lucky to have escaped but the scars will be there for a lifetime for me and my children.
      One day you’ll be free and I hope you find happiness with a real genuine loving lady……its not an easy road but you will get there.
      I hope that I experience a loving relationship before I die and I would love it if the ex would experience the pain that me and my four children felt before he dies but I am getting on with my life now and I pray that you and your children will eventually have a new life too. Take care of you because you matter, God bless you.

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      1. Similar here and my first post ever. 22 years together and i didn’t know what he was. I knew he lied a lot, lacked empathy, was controlling and alienated me from the kids but not what he really was. He’s a monster. The smirk. The laughter at others pain. He had an affair with my best friend. I didn’t know. I trusted him completely. In the end I lost all my friends. He smeared me everywhere. Then he tortured me for three years, played me, used me, texted me, hurt me. He cheated on her too usually with me but I know there were more. He lied in church counseling, lied to our children, lied to his family and I was alone in all of it. It almost killed me. 9-20-16 I went no contact. I’m in terrible pain but it had to stop. We were divorced 5-19-16 and he still went on using me like nothing happened. He’s still with her. I’ve shown her proof of his lies and cheating but she’s just as lost and keeps taking him back. My biggest question remains “was he always this way? ” somebody please respond. Its so damn lonely. Nobody understands and everyone thinks he’s this great guy. He’s a police officer and Mr. Nice Guy but I know I’m not crazy (despite what he says) and I know what he is and so does God! !

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        1. Yes he was always this way. These people never change. He just hid it from you for a long time. It will get better. The same situation happend to me with police officer (mr. NICE guy turned out to be the most evil man I ever encountered). You will be happy again. Do one thing every day that makes you happy. And do not let him back in!

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    2. I hate to tell you but you will never be good enough in her eyes, you need to run from this relationship. I was treated this way by my daughter,i finally told her I was not gonna be her doormat any more. I haven’t seen her or talked to her in over 2 years.Nothing I ever did was good enough,the more I gave,the more she took.She sucked the very life out of me.I am beginning to heal and love me.,God Bless You

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      1. Yes, agree- my Narc mother did this to me for years and still tries- treating me with disdain and critisising my every move while praising and endorsing everything my sister does. It’s triangulation and very sick. Fortunately I have always kept moving forward and, with the help of good friends and therapy, have managed to build a successful life. My confidence has suffered though and she made me vulnerable to Narcs- for that I will never forgive her.

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    3. Hey guy..I was in the same boat..halfway through 30 day no contact ..get weak now and again but persevering..thought I could change her even after 18yrs..no such luck..She looks at me blank when asked for a true emotion its almost pitiful if it was not for the insanity she has brought upon me. I feel for you I really do but you have to fight back within yourself..forget about her she has about you from the start..give yourself some love and respect.

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  4. I’m a victim of a N wife and her N Family for 2 years. It was hell on earth. The pain and emotional torture cannot be explained in words. I finally decided to left her. She has “kidnapped” our only daughter (14 months only) and using this innocent baby as a blackmailing tool. But I’m sure, God will intervene and I will get my daughter back.

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  5. I am slowly coming out of the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.
    I was married to a narcissistic wife for three years.
    Only a year and 2 months of which she lived even remotely near me.
    Hell on earth does not do it justice.

    She tried – and nearly succeeded – at destroying my relationship with my son and daugther.
    Nearly conned me into actually abandoning them, because she was… well… jealous of them.

    My finances are destroyed. All told, if you include the student loan debt I took out in order to support her, help her pay off her bills, entertain her and her two sons, adds up to $70,000.
    All in my name.

    A house bought at 4 times my income because she conned me into thinking that everyone in her hometown was “out to get her”.
    To include a bizarro story about the hospital she was working at was asking her to commit medicare fraud.
    All lies. She had simply used and was ready to discard her family, at the time. They were no longer a good source of narcissistic supply.

    And it was the smallest house she found “acceptable”. And she was angry we got it because it didn’t have enough “goodies”. And it wasn’t big enough.

    My career, nearly destroyed. Her lies and financial abuse cost me my career and my security clearance for two years. Just now got it back.

    I endured mental, verbal, emotional, and even physical abuse.

    I have issues with PTSD. She would actually try to set off flashbacks – things I begged her not to do, because they would trigger bad reactions in me.
    She would do those very things out of spite. For example, take swipes at my face or come running up behind me to kick me – both nearly setting off reactions in me that could have really gotten her HURT. All because she would get mad at me over something petty (I said something that irritated her, or didn’t get up fast enough to help clean the dishes, etc.)

    She would cheat – tell me she was cheating or otherwise leave really obvious clues she was, then when confronted on it by others (e.g., in our church), she would deny it vehemently and say I was “crazy”.

    She left a total of 4 times in 2 years. She would use the pain that caused – especially the separation anxiety – to torture me.
    Every time she left, she found new and novel ways to torment me. Knowing exactly how to push my buttons.

    I was hospitalized last year for a suicide attempt (one of several) as a result of what her tortures did to my mental state.
    She never even checked on me. Texted a couple of people. That was it.

    And, of course, NONE of it was her fault. It was all mine.

    I now have someone special in my life who is slowly, but surely, helping me to come out of the shell I’ve put up around myself after this horrible woman’s tortures.
    The difference is, my beautiful lady and I rescue each other. Time and again we have fundamentally helped and changed one another. We have – quite literally – saved each other’s lives.
    We love each other and are of one mind in everything.

    Instead of me doing all the work of the relationship until I’m crushed under the load.

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  6. This is how I try to explain the damage done by my N mother. I wrote this recently when trying to explain what N abuse does to my hubby who has never experienced a Narc before. Lucky him!
    My world is a haunted house
    Where horrors wait round every turn
    Left to stumble in the dark
    My silent screams and madness churn

    My mothers milk was black with hate
    Made cold and bitter with her rage
    No gentle hand to rock my crib
    No sweet songs on my history’s page

    The poisoned words from honeyed lips
    The Devils smile with Angels wings
    Have sentenced me to death by a thousand cuts
    And I walk in hell while heaven sings

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  7. Almost nobody understands the extreme havoc and terror that is caused in your mind behaviour and emotions by a narcissist. NVS, narcissistic victim syndrome is at this moment not even part of DSM. Can you imagine all the people who have been terribly abused like a decade ago when this was even more unknown. It’s a lonely world for a victim, when nobody understands you or even worse, they say it’s probably you who is crazy…

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  8. I have very bad thoughts of what to do to my ex N but I realise they are tormented by themselves forthe rest of their lives this helps me..as I see it for the sickness of the mind it is. They are very suck people and to be avoided as you would an escaped lunatic. They are not brought to bear due to the mask they hide behind. I hate what they have done and what. I now have to fight..all so unnecessary but for a lack of compassion

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  9. Trying to pull the trigger after 17 years with my N BF & his entire N Family.
    In 2008 I left him, I went through serious counselling and anger management. Anti depressants & Ativan. However, the sky was finally blue and I found me again. Got off the meds and loved life

    We got back together in 2010, I was able to call him on his shit for awhile and dealt with his family with boundaries.
    His 49 lives at his mother’s and super selfish. Never sticks up for me with his family and it’s always me who has to apologize. Anyway, I could write a book like the rest of you but my story is the same.
    I’m scared of the heartbreak and the lack of support like last time. The only difference between 2001 -2008 is I know it’s not me but the hurt is still horrible. What do I do.

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