Quotes From Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse

QUOTES FROM SOME VICTIMS

“My biggest frustration and source of anger, is at those who have refused to take a stand when they saw the abuse perpetrated by my N ex-husband. No matter how outrageous his behaviour others often stood by and inadvertently fueled his denial……although denial is too mild a word for what N’s practice. It still takes my breath away when I recall the casual dismissal of my person by this N. it took a long time to recover, I had to figure it out on my own and then needed others to know what was happening to heal and help me get away. But it’s so hard to explain unless you experience it up close. I mean people would see the behaviours but never put the whole picture together.”

JC used to accuse me of making him look like an asshole by talking to people about our relationship. My reply; “If me telling the truth about our relationship makes you look like an asshole then maybe you should stop acting like an asshole”

“A walk in the Garden of Eden turns into a gut-wrenching rollercoaster ride in Hell Park. Someone who claims to love you can seem like an angel but spends most of their time being vicious and evil, often in sneaky ways, undermining you and your life. The word “abuse” doesn’t seem enough to express the torture”

“Now he is getting in touch again and I don’t know why (he loves me, more use out of me, to hurt me – but why??) and I am a wreck. He knows my buttons and he pushed them with finesses. I still feel the pull and though I consciously know he’s an asshole (sorry) and I am disgusted and furious, I’m having a lot of trouble internalizing that point. I took a huge emotional risk and crashed – and it REALLY hurts. I feel like I was set up and I don’t feel like myself.”

“The more you allow contact the harder it will be. You have to decide on boundaries and keep them. Every word he says, every gesture, every point of contact is chinking away at your heart and your resolve crumbles. He will tell you what you want to hear…..he has spent a life time learning how to manipulate. He is poison”

“These people are trained in militarist warfares of the mind. Most of us are no match because we FEEL, we CARE, and we LOVE. All of these emotions impact our decision making abilities. A narcissist could care less about any of these emotions, he/she DOES NOT FEEL, at ALL, except perhaps the negative emotions such as RAGE, ANGER, and HATRED.

“Charming, seducing, angelic…..and lying, betraying, manipulating; these people carve a swath of misery in their wake. They damage the lives of almost everyone they encounter. And yet, we think it’s our fault that we tolerated their abuse.”

No doubt your N turned around and solicited the sympathy of his next mark by howling, “LOOK what she did to me!” and of course you are standing there with nothing but invisible psychic wounds.

“Anyone who hasn’t been in the frontlines trying to deal with an N simply can’t get their heads around the devastation they cause to ones life. The stories are so bizarre that it’s easier for them to believe that YOU’RE the disturbed one. However, little by little I am being given understanding and support, and that’s been extremely validating.

“I was the only non man-basher when the gals got together once a month. I used to listen to them complain and think how very silly they were. They didn’t know how great they had it. How do you explain the horrendous behaviour of an N to anyone unless they see it….how do you tell anybody of the incredibly horrible things they do to degrade you into hell and explain why you haven’t left them”

“Men or women CANNOT express this confusing world to anybody who hasn’t been there. It is HELL on earth. And so is the recovery process. I don’t think I will ever be capable of believing anyone again or taking the chance of any more torture.”

“Non-victims can’t understand this, but the N really does suck the life out of a caring person.”

“It was like trying to raise another kid, but an irrational mean one at that. One who couldn’t, wouldn’t learn and it was all my fault”

“He cheated on me endlessly, used women for money and sex, kept telling me it was my fault, and the sorry thing is I believed him because of low self-esteem. So for years I thought that if I tried a little harder, worked harder, pleased him more, did more, then he would wake up and see what a wonderful person I am….but no. He would blame everything that happened to us on me.”
“I tried to tell people about our home life and it sounded too made-up and crazy …….how could this wonderful, charismatic man be so bad?”

“I knew that his emotional world was comparable to the way a shark feeds. Sharks are a great metaphor for the emotional world of an N. their whole being, I mean every word, gesture and action is to present a false picture and to supply their insatiable need to avoid emotional contact with others without losing their supply and false sense of perfection. It’s quite a balancing act for them and you better believe that they are very good at it because they have been at it since childhood and for them it is a matter of survival.
“They steal the innocent, harmless fun out of life…..it’s like you find yourself in a position where all the good things and good intentions in the world are somehow blocked from applying to you. As though they poison the sunlight. They try to gag and ban the truth….You get to feeling like there is no safety, no hiding place, no-one you can trust”

“They are trapped in the mind of a two year old, and they possess no cognitive ability to reason, to negotiate, to cooperate, to give and take, to love, to empathize. Rather their lives consist of ultimatums, demands, greed, egocentric thinking, bullying, temper tantrums, and a plethora of ‘I wants’ and ‘Give me’s’”

“It was as if I had been thrown into a clothes dryer and left on the tumble dry cycle-knocking against the side of my walls of disbelief, erratically, bruising, being knocked and jolted about some more, not knowing where the next blow will come from. In that dryer, I remember. In retrospect, I gather the evidence and recount the signposts that I missed, the history of my abuse that I did not know was abuse, the slow, insidious, sadistic rape of my mind and heart and soul. As the proof accrues, and unspeakable reality dawns, I am finally knocked senseless by it, the shock is so great.”

“My boyfriend of 4 yrs constantly cheats on me, he is manipulative, he cares only about himself but pretends to care about me when convenient – he can’t commit, he jumps from job to job a lot, does not know the concept of saving money has bankrupted me and has sucked me into his warped world. I am now co-dependent and a nervous wreck. I constantly snoop through his things. I catch him cheating and he denies it time after time and I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth – is it possible he is a narcissist?”

“The last 10 years I have been involved with a charming and charismatic man. The ten years have been characterized by cycles of what felt to me like intense closeness followed by indifference and rejection. He has told me he loves me, has asked me to marry him then become cold and rejecting. Often the rejection comes after times of especial closeness. Driven to despair by these mixed signals I have ended our relationship several times. When this happens all goes quiet for awhile, then he contacts me, full of charm etc. we get back together and the cycle repeats itself. His attitude towards me has always been ‘fit in or f*** off’

“How do I convince myself that he is as evil as everyone says and how do I stop loving such a horrible person who brings nothing to the table? I have been step-mom, his banker and his keeper for the last 4 years, without gratitude. I have paid his child support and many of his other bills, I have bailed him out of jail-you name it- the problem is just when I have had enough he turns on his charm and sucks me back in. can he really love me or am I only kidding myself?”

“Yes, it hurt SO BAD. I guess what hurts about it is that we loved, in normal healthy ways, and expected the same kind of love back. Not only did we not receive the same love back, but we received evil back. Double Whammy – no love back, and mean hurtful intentional crap.”

“I sometimes wonder why I put up with so much crap and think I always had hopes that it would get better and that keeps us hanging in there until its unbearable. We finally have to give up on them to get ourselves to a position where we can take care of ourselves quit revolving everything around them and their wants, needs, and desires.”

Like many I have gone through the pain of having my life turned inside out as the result of narcissistic abuse. I know how it feels to reach the lowest lows and have to struggle to get my life back. I know how it feels to be so drained emotionally and physically that I can’t work or be productive in any way.
At my lowest point I couldn’t eat or sleep. I couldn’t go to work or socialize with people. My friends and family couldn’t understand the depth of the pain I was in and thought I should just “snap out of it” or “get over it”. I would have loved to be able to just “get over it” But this was one of the most difficult challenges life had brought my way. Even doctors and psychologists couldn’t help me other than to give me medication to help me “cope”. It wasn’t until one of my few friends I had left referred me to a psychiatrist who believed I had been in a relationship with a narcissist, that my desolate world began to have meaning. I could finally at least understand why I was feeling the way I was. I finally had somewhere to go with this. I was not crazy as I had come to believe I was! I made it my mission to understand this strange disorder that left me feeling as if I had been raped on a soul level.

“We have to get mad, get strong, cut our losses, and totally shut them out, and make ourselves available for a GOOD man, or find peace by ourselves. I fought so hard for the relationship the was it could have been (if he weren’t mentally ill) and giving that up is brutal. But it’s growth. By the way – I talk a good talk, but I’m still roadkill.”
“I remember when I started reading up on personality disorders it was right after the first time he hit me – I thought maybe he had a split personality, I could almost see the switch between the two personalities, he didn’t even look the same – the super sweet guy who loved me like no other ever had and the manipulative, out of control, devaluing, vile-tempered, self-absorbed jerk who couldn’t hide his distain for me. I used to try to figure out if his True Self was the Good Guy or the Bad Guy. The truth is there is no True Self, everything about an N is False it is all part of the “game”.

-The False Self has one objective – to have power over others (specifically you). The False Self doesn’t care if this power is in the form of you adoring it or fearing and hating it. If it can make you dance it feels good. They are in control, and that’s primarily what narcissism is all about. So remember this if you think that if you love him enough he will drop the defenses and once again be the Good Guy you met. The Good Guy and Bad Guy are both part of the False Self. As sad as it is to accept he is hollow, empty and pitiful, he is incapable of love.

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678 Replies to “Quotes From Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse”

  1. When I’d complain that the relationship wasn’t normal, he’d say ‘sure how could it be and you over fifty?’ He never hit me tho, has had the same job for years, the one before that for 25, positive he never cheated; we didn’t live together, but were in touch regularly during the day and he always answered the phone when I called. I wasn’t afraid of him, which is good, and I always stood up to him. It was his remarks, his constant criticism, his withdrawl of affection, his increasing lack of contribution to the relationship that got me in the end. But, still I stayed and it was him who suddenly cut the whole thing off, no explanation, nothing. Now, I’m interested to see, like you say, if he contacts me again. It’s been three months. Thank God I found this site, or I probably would’ve believed him. Now I won’t. Thank you.

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    1. Franner, you are welcome, I am glad you found something helpful here; it’s the whole purpose of me starting this blog, to hopefully have my experiences help some other woman going through the pain of narcissistic abuse.

      There are all levels of narcissism; obviously your ex didn’t have all the characteristics, very few do. I was just lucky enough to meet one with every single trait.

      Thanks for stopping by. I hope you find much happiness and peace in your future.

      Carrie

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      1. Hi, I’ve just come out of an awful emotionally abusive relationship that turned physical a couple of times. The man I met was sweet and charming then after a year I moved to his country and we lived together. In the first few months I discovered texts and emails to various women including his ex. He didn’t tell them about me and when I complained he woud say that they didn’t need to know his personal business. He left me isolated while I paid most things as his company wasn’t doing well. He acted loving at home at first but left me alone and didn’t include me in things or introduce me to people saying that I just wanted to be the centre of attention. If I did anything to annoy him he would always get his revenge though it could be a few days later. Once, we were just driving along in the car when he said out of the blue’new rule! I have decided I am not going to tell you I love you any more because I don’t say it to people who want me to say it’ I made a joke out of it but he didn’t say it and if I occasionally asked he said ‘of course, why would I stay with someone I didn’t love’ He would constantly tell me to go then when I left he would text as if nothing was wrong saying ‘missing you badly, when you due back’. My beloved dogs were due to fly out and he waited until they had made a 13 hour road trip to the airport ready for their flight 2 days later to tell me he had changed his mind, he didn’t want them to come and that I had to choose between him and them. 2 years ago he tried to break my nose during a confrontation about another late night text to a woman then he stamped on my stomach and took a belt from a cupboard, wound it round his hand and threatened me with it. If ever I had a problem with anyone he would become their best friend. I wanted to do a course as he was away a lot but he said that we had no money…then the next day he rushed in saying he had to hurry as he was putting his name down for a course. It was the one I had wanted to do but he said the company were paying his..but he was the company!! I worked free of charge for the company for 3 years and when I left they took someone on and paid them a very good wage. I had set up all the office procedures etc and made it a functioning office. When I asked why he couldn’t have paid this he said ‘I, as director of @@@ decide who is an asset to the company and who isn’t and pay them accordingly’ I was very worried becauseI had had to take loans for the first few years to support us and now I was in a mess. The idea had been that he would take over. When I asked if he could do it he said ‘oh, no, it doesn’t work like that..your problem is poor financial planning!’ Anyway, finally in January, he left me in an empty flat..went out for something and sent a text out of the blue saying ‘won’t be coming, things around me going badly. Need time and space to find solutions xxx’ I was left penniless in a foreign country and people had a collection to help me. He wouldn’t answer texts or tell me what was going on then after a month of silence from my end he suddenly sent a text asking me to meet him. I ignored that and he sent another saying he really needed to see me. I went to the meeting place and he didn’t turn up, sending a text 20 mins after he should have been there that said he had a pile of paperwork so would give me a ‘shout’ in a week or two…anyway..it’s a long story..am home after living abroad with him for 5 years. I am still struggling to understand what went on and how someone could be so hard and cruel. I discovered letters from ex girlfriends that all showed he had treated them terribly.

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        1. ps..I forgot to say..I always thought he had maybe just had a bad life and needed someone to care about him so I hung around but as time went on I realised that he was actually very cold and hard hearted although you could catch glimpses of the person I originally met from time to time…when he wanted something. he treated me like I was the enemy..in some kind of competition. It seemed that the more sacrifices I made..selling my car, having to find really low paid work despite my degree the happier he was and I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that he wouldn’t care if I lost everything

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          1. I can relate to every thing you just said! I thought he had a bad experience and if I loved him enough he’d realize I wasn’t going to leave him or hurt him. I think they do want you to lose everything, how can they not? They see what is happening, its like a test to see if you will give up everything for them but once you do, you are worthless to them and they treat you even worse.

            Near the end I always felt JC hated me and was in competition with me, he went out of his way to NOT cooperate or work as a couple. He was happiest if I was miserable. But then would say he was sick of my crying.

            You never win with them, never.
            Thanks again for stopping by and commenting
            Take gooD care
            Carrie

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        2. Oh Elaine!!! So much of what you went through I can relate to. The refusing to say I love you because he didn’t want to say it just because I wanted to hear it. And why would he be with me if he didn’t love me. Or his love was cycleable. The work I did for him was nice but not worth anything. The doing what I wanted to do but wasn’t allowed, omg been there!! The asking to meet and not showing up!
          Thank God there are good people in the world who helped get you out of there.

          Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experiences.

          Hugs to you!!!
          Carrie

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          1. Ha. Mine used to be the one saying he loved me all the time in the beginning. When his mask started to slip, he would get irritated with me every time I said I love you, because, he said I only said it because I was expecting to hear him say it back to me. So twisted and hurtful.

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            1. That seems to be a really common thing with them. They can’t say it enough in the beginning and then once they have you they refuse to say it. I would feel all loving towards him and say I Love you and he’d squeeze my shoulder and say, “I know you do” or, “that’s nice”, or just go “hmmm” he went over 6 weeks without saying it. Then I stopped and I hate that because it’s playing games. I always tell the people I love I love you every time they go any where, or when we getting off the phone, it just comes natural but after a while of NEVER hearing it back or any other time I got sick of hurting.

              There was the time he said, “I love you today”. When I asked,” Don’t you love me every day?” He said, “You know my love is cycleable”. WTF?? I can’t believe I stayed 10 flippin’ years and believed him every time he came crying back to me.

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    2. Franner,

      Your X is what is called a covert narcissist, mine was just the same. It took me years to work out what was wrong it was when I looked up sociopath that I found a link to narcissism and from there to covert narcissism which fit him perfectly. So there a at least two distinct types. Read up on it it will help you from going back.

      Angela

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      1. Angela, you are right, there are several types malignant narcissist is also one type and they tend to be more of a psychopath variety. Either way, whatever label you put on them they are all toxic and soul sucking.

        Glad to hear of another person who got away. Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

        Carrie

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  2. I think the main thing that’s great about this site is that it gives us a chance to talk about our experiences, to share, as that can sometimes be very difficult to admit to someone we know well. Of course, he may have had more of the characteristics than I realised. I am beginning to suspect he may have lied to me, he always SEEMED so honest. Ah, well, don’t have to worry about that anymore. There are times I feel sorry for him though, I feel bad that he’s like this and he doesn’t even know; that it’s not his fault etc. I know he’s very lonely now. He was on his own for 2 yrs when I met him, since his wife left and he didn’t like it one bit. (This has also been confirmed for me by family & friends). Yet, towards the end with me, he’d say he’d prefer to be on his own than all this fighting. Never occured to him that he started the fights – or maybe it did, I don’t know anymore. Thanks again . . .

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    1. They hate to be alone. They need constant attention and I am sure they start the fights for attention. Did you notice that things were never good for long? You two would be getting and he’d be loving and out of the blue he’d pick on you for something or do something totally insensitive and hurtful?

      I never knew what to expect. I would try to not react, because he said I was always angry. But he would push until I got mad and then he’d say I was always causing conflict, and he hates conflict. But he would start the conflict with his actions.

      Its called crazy making or gas lighting. I used to feel sorry for JC also, that’s why I would always take him back. He seemed so sad and lonely but he never appreciated me when he had me.

      I would be very surprised if your ex doesn’t just show up on your doorstep one day looking all remorseful and full of apologies and saying he’d had an epiphany and know you are the woman he loves. They will wait until you are well on the way to being healed. They will stop at nothing to get you back. Its all a game to feed their ego. The poor little boy who doesn’t know what he is doing is all an act; they know exactly what they are doing. How can they not? They aren’t stupid.

      Watch your heart very closely they count on the fact that we’ll feel sorry for them.

      I used to believe that JC was nothing if not honest!!! After we split I found out some stuff he’s lied about our whole relationship. They are expert liars, look you straight in the eye and deny something, even things you saw with your own eyes.

      if there was ever a time you felt in your gut he was hiding something or lying believe your gut. These are the type of guys who will have 3 wives in different towns.

      No one can relate to what it was like being involved with a narcissist unless they’ve been there. They think you must be making it up or exaggerating. There are a few great forums on the web where women share their experiences, it is amazing how similar these men are! One that I still pop into once in a while is Melanie Tobin Evans I believe. She has some very informative and no nonsense posts.
      Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

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      1. I am now coming to terms with what has happened to me over the last 3 yrs, and have found this site invaluable.
        I read others stories and and comforted by the fact that I am not alone….I am not going crazy and my relationship has been one based on fantasy not reality.
        Yes I was sucked in by the charmer, Mr Carismatic who was in a very disfunctional relationship. I felt the need to ‘save’ this man. How could a woman treat a man this loving, caring and attractive in this way, I thought. Little did I know i was being preened to become the new ‘source’. I had a house, the same interests, was vunerable and was willing……my mistake.
        He would call at my house and fix things, cook dinner for me, have my fire lit on cold nights…..what a catch I thought, how lovely was this man….what a score.
        It was not long until he moved in. The sex was fantastic, the hugs, kisses, thoughtful gestures…yeah I had won the lottery…!!!
        I ended up selling my house and putting money into a house together….ahh my perfect life, I thought, working with this absolutely beautiful man on our property…I was in heaven.
        About 3 months after we moved, the cracks started appearing. He wanted me to get a full time job off the property which I did, but he would constantly ring me with life threatening illnesses or depression. (when he was by himself), Then there were days that I would never hear from him and if I rang to see how he was, he was nasty and resented the interuption to his day…..the rollercoaster ride was just begining…..
        By this time the sex was just a shove from behind with him saying how good was that and me walking away feeling violated. When I tried to initate making love I was met with resistance from him saying, his back hurt, his stomach was sore or he was tired. I was begining to live on shifting sands. Not knowing what mood to expect. During this time he was always suggesting to me that I had a problem and needed to be on anti-depressants for MY mood swings…!! Some days he would be civil and other days he would be angry, confronting and abusive.
        He stopped doing anything for me and would ignore me if I asked him to help with anything. He would watch me lift heavy things around the farm and never offer to help and if I asked for help, he would pretend he did not hear me. (The lack of hearing became his defence). It was not that he could not hear me he would say…it was his industrial deafness.
        Things were going from bad to worse.
        It was coming up to his birthday and I thought I would make it a special day. To my surprise the day before his birthday he said he had to go an visit his children interstate, they had organised something special and he wanted to be with them. That was a kick in the guts for me…….as they never wanted anything to do with him, but he was prepared to dump me to go off to spend time with them. Everything was starting to become a mindgame. I did not hear from him for a few days then he called like nothing was wrong and said he was not having a good time, he was missing me and wanted to come home.
        The quicksand was becoming harder to navigate……
        He came back and started registering on internet dating sites. Not the ones that want you to meet and have coffee, but the ones who advertise for casual discreet relationships. When the emails started coming through I questioned them only to get the answer that he had tried to unsubscribe…..it was becoming more obvious that he could look me in the eye and blatently lie. I found his profile, complete with date of birth, height, weight etc and when I questioned this, he told me the ‘spammers’ must have put it online…..pfft. By this time I had realised that lying, manipulating, cheating, promisquious sex with others and abusing me were the charactersistics i would have to live with if I was to stay in this difunctional relationship. I chose to leave.
        I called his bluff about seeking a casual discreet relationship and told him I had put his picture and phone number on the website to help him get more enquiry.
        He left to go interstate 3 days ago and the only contact I have received is a text to say happy birthday. I can only hope that he stays there and never returns.
        Many of his family and friends have telephoned me to say that all his life, he has had a 2yr turn around with women….always citing the reason the relationship broke up is because the woman cheated on him. His friends have seen it all before. He just leaves a trail of broken women in his wake. I have discoved that reality is that when the honeymoon is over and reality sets in, his ego is not being fed and he leaves to seek a new source. He does not want to deal with the daily run of paying bills etc as there is no ego validation in that. Anyway I am in the NO CONTACT period and have no intention of every allowing myself to be treated like that again. If I need someone to love, I will get a dog….lol
        I am no longer feeling like the victum, I have read so much on narcisstic behavour and how they choose their supply, that I am just feeling that he has a mental disorder and seriously needs help.

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        1. Jenn, I am so sorry I haven’t replied sooner; well actually I did reply it just didn’t show up. I have been having major pro lems with my wordpresd lately.

          It sounds like you have been one of the chosen few who have had the umfortunate luck to fall in love with a narcissist. I am sorry.

          I just want to make it perfectly clear; these people can not be helped! Period. He may cry and apogize

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        2. Jenn, I am so sorry I haven’t replied sooner; well actually I did reply it just didn’t show up. I have been having major pro lems with my wordpresd lately.

          It sounds like you have been one of the chosen few who have had the umfortunate luck to fall in love with a narcissist. I am sorry.

          I just want to make it perfectly clear; these people can not be helped! Period. He may cry and apologize even say he knows he has a problem and will get help but it is all a ruse to get the victim to take them back.

          As hard as it is to accept the only way to deal with them is to not have any contact whatsoever.

          Good Luck Jenn and thanks for dropping in and sharing your story. I was especially touched when you said you’d thought you hit the lottery. I can remember feeling exactly the same way and that is so hard to let go.

          Hugs to you. Please drop by again and let me know how you are doing

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      2. Hi it’s Melanie Tonia Evans, and yes i agree her site was the most empowering one I found. It was her no nonsense, no sugar coating, tell it like it is and WAKE UP AND LEAVE FOREVER that finally empowered me to make the final break for freedom. However I feel you really have to be quite some way down the path of understanding about the narcissistic pathology, and realising the extent of the damage that has been caused, (ie. starting to come out of denial), before you are ready to fully comprehend, accept and act on her advice.

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  3. Sometimes I think the worst part is that no one believes you. People who know him look at me like I am the disturbed one. They may pity me, but I can tell I have lost their interest & respect. They believe HIM. That he loved me and is sad to see it end. That there was never anyone else. That he gave me a lot, helped me out financially, and tried to make it work, but I just am not the woman for him. Or something like that.
    They will never believe the abuse I suffered behind closed doors. He is such an extraordinarily real, nice, charming man. I am obviously just hurting, bitter and messed up to have lost him. I should just get over it & mo e on. Even my own brother–who barely knows my ex–has turned his back on me.
    Meanwhile, my ex is all enthralled with his lover/s and feeling smug…powerful. Almost 3 years of my life spent totally devoted to him and I am nothing. Don’t exist. Just like that.

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    1. L I can certainly relate to what you are saying. I never said anything much to anyone when we were together so after we split people thought, “it couldn’t have been that bad”. The few people I told when we were together didn’t believe me I could see it in their eyes and by their response. Even people who didn’t know us as a couple hear the things he did and get a glazed look in their eyes and I know they think I’m nuts; either I imagined it, exaggerated, asked for it, or I’m lying. And they go off and are so happy with the next victim making it look like it was all her fault. I know my ex has made it sound like I drained him dry, was suspicious for no reason, caused conflict and was never happy; the new woman is none of those things so it’s easy to be happy.

      I was that person ten years ago and she will be me in a few years. My family turned their back because I stayed and went back. Being with a narcissist ends up being very lonely. They strip you of everything and then leave you.

      But we aren’t alone; there are lots of us! It boggles my mind how many women have been suffering alone in silence thinking they are alone and no one can understand what they’ve been through.

      I know for me; just knowing I am not the only one feeling this way makes it easier to handle. We have to support each other, share our stories and not be silent any more.

      So many people don’t even know what narcissism is. I tell them to read my blog if they are interested because to try to explain the horror of being with one is impossible.

      People don’t understand that in most cases when you split from an N you are so drained and beaten down you can barely function. I sat for days on end doing nothing but crying; I couldn’t work, get dressed, eat, nothing. Breathing was an effort. I’ve had breakups before but this is beyond anything I had ever experienced. It was total devastation at a soul level.
      Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

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    2. I completely empathise with how you are feeling. From thinking you have met your soulmate, you end up being discarded and you have no idea what happened. Up until the end you struggle to understand what is going on…what is wrong with you, who is sending that late night text, what’s going on in the background, what your future is, does he love you or not and all the insecurity and the horrible way you feel inside as you are kept out of their life and knowing that you are really at the bottom of their priorities and humiliated and treated as if you are their enemy or competition…then other days when they are being nice and you think it’s going to be alright. It is a rollercoaster and the constant anxiety inside is terrible and for me led to high pulse and blood pressure, crying myself to sleep night after night…or sometimes not sleeping for days. It was a nightmare and although I left in May, the mere mention of him is enough to make the anxiety return. I’ve had nightmares..long complicated sotries always involving him and some woman and it was diagnosed as Post trumatic stress disorder. Worse is that although all my friends told me he wasnt good enough for me etc etc…he would show his charming side to them and they don’t really understand. They just think it was a breakup but it’s more than that and only people who have lived with a N will understand. I keep myself soooo busy in order to stop myself thinking. I work long hours (to try to get out of the debt), then spend weekends at the Uni library preparing to return to do my MSc. For me this is important to make me feel less like a failure and I also have the knowledge of knowing that he would HATE it if I were successful as he tried to take everything from me and make me feel a failure. Good luck and I completely undersatnd

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      1. Elaine,
        You are so right, thank you for your input! I don’t know why they have to destroy the woman, so insecure they can’t stand the thought of anyone having a life or being successful without them. Its really pitiful they have to destroy every thing they touch.

        You are on the right track as far as the best way to get revenge on an N is to be successful. It will eat him up, good for you!!

        Hugs
        Carrie

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  4. Yep. That’s where I have been at for the past 6 1/2 weeks. I have missed 5 days work in that time, couch surfed until I finally rented a place, at 50 years old. My basic monthly living expenses have more than doubled and then some–something I cannot afford. Meanwhile, he makes almost triple what I do and owns 2 homes: one in the town he works in (currently vacant, last I knew) and the one he & I shared. I had just started a new job 5 weeks before everything blew up so that I could work in town and walk to work–gave up my job in the town where I am once again living. The neighbours at our old house tell me he’s not been staying there since we split (no surprise to me, he’s no doubt staying with his new N-supply).
    So here I am, in shock, devastated, angry, wondering how I’m going to manage financially and trying not to lose my job. I work in social services too, so my job requires being present and focussed for my clients, who are typically in crises of their own.
    Anyway, I’ve been in my new place 3 weeks & still haven’t unpacked. Left him several hundred $$ worth of stuff, as I have no room for it anyway. Haven’t heard a peep from him.
    He’s not crying, going sleepless for weeks–probably not having any trouble sleeping at all–wondering how he’s going to pay his bills or worrying about losing his job. He is all high on his new “love” and recently applied for an even more prestigious job than he has now. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets it either. And he’s probably not suffering socially either.
    Today is the first good day I’ve had in many weeks. I even did my dishes (did I mention I’m normally a neat freak? Haven’t done much of anything yet here).
    And the worst part is, I haven’t been able to hide my pain…my tears…my heartbreak. I’m sure he knows how messed up I’ve been over this & if that affects him at all, it would only be to the extent that it would boost his ego & feelings of power/importance. YUCK!!!!
    One thing I don’t worry about is his coming back. I’m a very intelligent, educated, well respected/regarded (normally at least!) woman with a fabulous family and very good, accomplished, well-esteemed friends. I’m slim, attractive, sought after, and people say I look 15-20 years younger than I am. I had been single for several years before I hooked up with him, despite many suitors, and had a vibrant, full life of my own.
    I think that’s why he worked so hard to win me over in the beginning–I made him look good. Problem was, I never stopped having thoughts, opinions, feelings and interests of my own. And I challenged him when I felt the situation called for it. Oh, the ENRAGED responses at those times, or withdrawals of affection and sexual intimacy. It was when I found out he was having an affair and called him on it that he threw me out in a rage. Just like that. No explanations, acknowledgements, admissions or apologies. Done.
    He won’t be back. A woman like me doesn’t interest him: Too smart, too critical a thinker, too hard to control (ultimately) and, I’m sure he knows well, too onto him at this point.
    So why have I been so devastated so immobilized, so utterly crippled with pain, shock, grief & all the rest by this person? It galls me and hurts like hell to look back and see all the signs I missed, so blinded was I by the impact of the impression he made on me in the beginning. Everything got filtered through that lens and I fell for it. The sick, inhuman truth of it all is still so challengi g to wrap my head around.
    But I’m getting there. At the moment my biggest difficulty is trying not to think about how “happy,” affirmed, passionate and high he is about his new love.
    Not the insidious forms of abuse that I didn’t recognize as such at the time. Not the neglect, disinterest, etc that was so crazy-making and confusing.
    Sorry for the ramble. It still just blows my mind. Thanks for being there.
    So why has it messed me

    Like

    1. “L” –
      i recognize so much of myself in you and your situation. i am wondering how you are doing now that a few months have gone by?

      Like

  5. I lived and was married to a narcissist for 18 years. From early on and as the years rolled on he got worse. I was constantly walking on egg shells because his moods were unpredictable. He was different to those he knew outside the family unit. He was almost another person. He bent over backwards for his friends. He played it so well. He was very manipulative. He was hell to live with. He went from being nice one day to a complete Mr Hyde the next. Jekyll and Hyde to be exact. You never knew what to expect. You wouldn’t dare say anything because he would shoot you down in seconds of saying anything to him. He was terribly needy to the point that it was always about him. He was like a child that needed constant pampering and boosting up. We had 2 children together after 8 years of being together and when they reached 2 to 3 years of age he would put my children in a dark cupboard, lock it and make them eat in there if they had misbehaved. He hurt them and it has made scars on their lives, now being teenagers. I was picked on and criticized constantly. Down to the smallest thing. What I wore, my personality, my family.. He sucked the life out of me to the point I couldn’t think for myself and was that miserable that I became anorexic weighing 39kg a year before I plucked up the courage to leave.
    He was his mother. His mother treated me terribly and in her eyes I wasn’t what she wanted for her son. She would deliberately exclude me from things. I wasn’t a good mother to my 2 sons, or wife to her son. Didn’t matter what I did she did her best to make our marriage as miserable as she was. He supported his mother and never game me an ounce of support. I left the marriage after 18 years to be absolutely drained, guttered, leaving me feeling mentally down trodden that I just couldn’t function at all. He took custody of my children and took everything away from me that I loved to punish me. i cut myself off from everyone. No-one really understood to the degree of what I lived with because they didn’t live with it or see him for who he really was and that he still is. He plays out what a wonderful father he is now and I do believe if you have to show everyone what a good job you’re doing you are trying to prove yourself of something you’re not. I have been divorced for 7 years but still healing. He robbed me of so much and so many years of enjoyment with my children when they were younger. To defer so much hatred and bitterness in their actions towards someone they are suppose to love still baffles me. To go on living life like they haven’t done anything to you and to now try to be a perfect father figure to your children and play out this figure as though they have been this perfect figure all their life sickens me. The trauma and effects it has had on me has been detrimental to my health and well being. I’ve come a long way but the scars are extremely deep to the point I still have to work hard on it now to focus on getting my life in tact and going in the right direction.

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    1. Jayne,

      My heart goes out to you! So much of what you went through I can relate to. You must be a very strong woman to have survived 18 yrs of living with him. I am so thankful I never had children with my ex; he did enough damage to my son who was 18 when I met my ex.

      My ex and I got his son for a while but I ended up calling friends to take him away and sent him back to his mother. My ex punched and kicked him and criticized him horribly but according to him he was the perfect father and the kid was impossible to control.

      It makes me ill that they just change history and make themselves look like the victim. They are so evil I used to actually think my ex must be the devil because no human could ever be that cruel and hateful.

      Know you aren’t alone, please stop by again and let me know how you are doing.

      Wishing you much peace and serenity.

      Thank you so much for sharing your story; some day it may help someone else escape the roller coaster ride from hell.

      Carrie
      Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

      Like

  6. Thank you Carrie,

    I appreciate your response and I’m sorry for what you went through as well.

    It’s a very toxic environment to be in and to be free is good but to be free of him completely and his rotten family would be 100% better.

    I hope my story can help others. Thank you is does help to know we’re not alone in what we’ve all experienced.

    I keep you informed as to how it all goes.

    Jayne

    Like

    1. Thanks Jayne.

      Take care of YOURSELF!!

      I wish a person could have them exorcised out of our system. It’s like they enter your soul and even if they are physically gone their evilness stays with us.

      If you can disassociate with him and his mother completely that would help you immensely. Who needs that kind of negativity.

      Keep in touch
      Carrie

      Like

  7. Oh my. You have just described the 21/2 yr relationship I had with my ex-N. The part about the sex is EXACTLY the same.
    In the beginning he was so incredibly wonderful, so amazing, I just could not get over the fact that such a man even existed. I knew I was a catch, but HE was pretty much a God. Wow! Almost 50 years I had gone believing such a man did not exist. I was in bliss and could barely contain myself, I was so happy, blessed and deeply in love. After always having had my own place and at the time having been single–though with countless suitors–for 7 years, I moved in with him after just 4 1/2 months (he lives in a nearby town, so I even left the city I’d lived in & loved for 30 years!
    We lived together for 26 months, but the sex changed the day I moved in, with us having gone from making love 2-3X a day to him rarely initiating anymore and gradually not even responding to my advances anymore, until we rarely had sex at all. And when he did initiate, it was often much like you described. He kept telling me there was nothing wrong (with us), he was just overwhelmed with outside pressures and responsibilities, had too much on his mind, was tired, didn’t feel well, etc.
    And then the devaluing, disinterest in me, indifference, etc, began. But he would always do something sweet or loving, just as I was starting to pull away in any way. He had made such a powerful impression on me in the beginning, that I saw everything through that lens–that that’s who he was, the loving, devoted, intelligent, thoughtful, gorgeous, tender (etc) man I’d moved in with–so I believed him when he said we were good and he was just preoccupied with external stressors, etc.
    We rarely fought for the first 2 years, but when we did it almost invariably began with him suddenly blowing up in an unprovoked rage about something I’d done or said–usually something completely innocuous. And nothing was EVER his fault. I even told him a few times that the one thing I really found exasperating about him was that arguing with him felt like arguing with a 5 yr old.
    When I finally found out he was having affairs, I was in shock. I would never have believed him capable of infidelity, my trust & faith in his loyalty & “love” was so strong, and I am NOT a naive or stupid woman. I asked him about it and he flew into a hateful, ugly, intense rage–one that transformed that kind & handsome face into one of pure and hateful evil–denying there was, or had ever been, anyone else, and demanding that I and all of my things had to be gone by the time he got home. And all of this happened just before I was going to work.
    Interestingly, I learned later that he immediately began texting one of my closest friends, saying he had no idea why I thought he was having an affair and couldn’t believe I was leaving!
    For over 2 1/2 years I had championed this man, loved him like no other, regularly surprising him with thoughtful gestures and gifts, sympathizing with him when he would come home telling me about his tough day, did everything I could to try to resurrect our sex life and passion, while also looked after his
    dog, mowed the yard, washed his clothes,
    cleaned the house, entertained his friends,
    tended the garden, helped him work on his boat, etc. My friends and family welcomed him and even came to his aid when he needed support politically. He told me he loved me many times a day, but in the last several months we were together, he didn’t do much to indicate that that was really true.
    In fact, a few weeks before I learned of his affairs, I finally said that I was leaving and started packing my things. But then he would break down into sobs and say he wanted to fix things with us. So I hung in a little longer, but again, he would never be available to spend time with me and always had an excuse why he couldn’t come home or was too tired to do anything but go to bed. He texted and called me during the day less & less, if at all, and had recently yelled at me that he was exhausted because I coughed and snored all night and it was affecting his ability to work, etc, and explained why he’d been so irritable & distant at home. Sooo…I began sleeping in another room, feeling terrible that I’d been affecting him this way.
    Another thing was, I’m normally a pretty active person. I love going to music events, taking a road trip, catching a play, going boating, going for walks on the beach, entertaining, going to parties, etc, and I have many friends and interests. I also love stopping to enjoy the simple pleasures in life–a sunrise, a flower, the scent of the ocean, the dog doing something funny, the colours cast on a wall by a prism. But trying to get my ex to share such moments with me, go with me somewhere or even stir
    up his interest was often a chore & even when
    he said he’d go, he would sometimes beg off
    with one excuse or another, so I would go
    without him. I told a few people that I felt like I
    was living with Eeyore. This was VERY different from how it had been with him in the beginning.
    And when we did go out? He was always very affectionate and flirty with me, acting very much like an attentive man happy & in love. I loved to get him out for that reason alone, but the moment we would get in the car to go home, or the company left, he was back to his indifferent, disinterested and distant self again. It left me feeling frustrated, confused, disappointed, alone and lonely.
    I began to go out without him, without even bothering to ask him if he wanted to come at times. Little did I know that he was probably spending that time sexting with his ex, or seducing someone else and getting his sexual needs fed elsewhere.
    After he threw me out–with no explanation or apologies for anything–I was devastated. I could not believe he was capable of treating anyone so horribly, especially me. The realization that I meant nothing to him, that the relationship had been a lie from the start, and that he wasn’t missing a beat throwing me out on the street like that was beyond anything I could wrap my head around. How could anyone treat another human being like that? It was as if I did not/do not exist…as if nothing had happened…he was off wooing at least 2 other women, no doubt telling them and anyone else who would listen a God knows what, and all at my expense. No doubt he’d been doing that for some time and I have since realized that he had been unfaithful throughout much of our relationship. Most would never believe that, he is so convincing, charming and honest and kind acting. The social isolation from some of his friends has been very difgicult for me.
    Not only that, but he demanded that I leave him a ton of my things, plus return things he claimed were his, but generally weren’t. I left him unjustly enriched for sure and many feel I should go after him in court for some compensation & support. I certainly wouldn’t have any trouble making & winning my case. He has devastated me financially, in addition to everything else, but my peace of mind is worth more to me. There are 3 things of mine that I want back and I finally texted him last week, asking for 2 of them. He has not responded.
    The fabulous thing is, after the 1st 6 weeks of
    hell trying to come to terms with it all (and reading everything I could about narcissists), I have been feeling truly GREAT since and am so glad to be back enjoying life and being ME again. And knowing what I know now about the truth of who & what he is, I am SO GLAD he is no longer in my life!!!
    Hang in there, ‘cos it really does get better.

    than how it

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  8. Ooops! Sorry. Don’t know why my post ended up where it did–I was responding to a different post from this site. Hugs & good faith to all. And thanks Carrie for this site: It’s a Godsend for so many of us!

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  9. Damn. How do I do NC & still get a couple of things back of sentimental value (e.g. a painting my step-father did & sent to me as an heirloom type keepsake)? I finally decided to send a very short, polite text to my ex-N last Wed morning, asking for just a couple of items belonging to me (he’s kept a ton of stuff that is rightfully mine). He did not respond-a show of “power,” I guess–so at a friend’s urging, I sent him one more on Sunday, repeating my request & asking him to please respond. He did: “I have some things I would like back. I will send you a list later.” This from a guy who has kept a ton of my stuff as it is and been quite unjustly enriched by my sudden, entirely unanticipated and grossly, unbelievably unwarranted & obscenely unjust, moment’s notice ejection
    from “Our” home,
    I was furious! The GALL!
    The next morning he sent me a list of 3 things, 2 of which are as much mine as his (2 plain brandy snifters & a food dehydrator I found —& he paid for–at a garage sale). The other item I don’t believe i have (his iPhone charger), unless it inadvertently got packed in one of the few boxes I haven’t unpacked yet. That’s possible, as friends helped me pack & move.
    Anyway, I didn’t respond until he sent me another text today, saying he’d found my paintings and a box of my pictures, then repeated his “list” of what he wants. I texted that the only phone charger I am aware of having is my own. Anyway, this led to a text from him that, if by omission, acknowledged he’d been careful to hide things from me that may have given his affair/s away.
    That’s all it took for the pain to well up in me again. I haven’t replied.
    The pain just discourages me. And I really do want those coupl’a things back. What to do?

    Like

    1. I don’t know what it is about them taking other people’s stuff or destroying it. Stuff that means nothing to them and the world to you and there is only one answer; to hurt you.

      I can relate to the feelings of frustration, pain, disbelief, and anger. Things that a normal couple would calmly discuss and sort out in a civilized way turns into a full on power struggle and you end up losing simply because you’re too exhausted and traumatized to fight any more.

      The only thing I can suggest would be to send a friend to get the items and take him whatever you have. She could say you are just so broken up over losing him you just can’t go yourself; that should give him a good shot of narcissist supply and stroke his ego enough that he might make a show of his generosity. If you don’t have the charger you don’t have it. (Whenever my ex and I split I never got cords for anything, such stupid childish games)

      A narcissist always is a lot more agreeable with anyone but you and doesn’t want to look like the bad guy; so sending a friend might work and gritting your teeth and biting your tongue until you have what you want and being ever so grateful for his kindness. (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little)

      I would not go to get the item yourself, you sound very fragile still and he will do anything he can to hurt you with innuendo, snide remarks or by playing games like he can’t find them now you’ll have to come back.

      Good luck and please let me know how it goes!

      I care, I really do, I lost everything dear to me and I know how it feels.

      Carrie
      Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

      Like

      1. Thank you so much for your reply, validation & understanding. Over the past few days I had decided I had had enough…that I wasn’t going to play his despicable little games anymore: It is time I said “ENOUGH!” and stood up to him…stood up for myself. I was going to take legal action and seek everything I am legally entitled to in this case. And trust me, I know the law & I know my way around in court. I would wipe the floor with his lyin ass.
        But the truth is, I just keep coming back to the psychological, physical and emotional costs of going that route and it just doesn’t seem worth the grief. I would win, quite handily, but at what cost? We all know he would stop at nothing to try to totally destroy me if I took legal action. A big part of me goes “Bring it on, you narcissistic little drip!” But the wise voice deep down inside knows that pursuing things in court would just keep the poison (him) front & centre in MY life…a life that will be much better spent enjoying the people and things I love, rebuilding a healthy, happy life and enjoying myself instead of spending months…years…drafting Motions, Affidavits, materials, submissions and Court Orders. Nevermind dealing with the hell he would unleash on me in every way possible for God knows how long.
        So, I will take your advice. I like your suggestion of having a friend make the trade, and I know just who to ask. It may be several days before that can be arranged, but that’s better than years of having that miserable excuse for a human being injecting himself into my psyche.
        Thanks again. Now, next question: Shall I forward these posts to his lovers? lol
        Peace.

        Like

        1. I think avoiding court is wise, you know exactly what you would be dealing with from the sounds of it and why waste more of your life on him than you already have plus you don’t know how violent he may get and your life could be in danger if you pushed too far. And in the end, it is only stuff and you are much more valuable than anything he has of yours. He doesn’t want your stuff you wants to hurt you by not playing the game you thwart his attempts to do that. Smart lady!

          Sending the posts to the new lovers….. Hmm that’s where I get a little twinkle in my eye. Lol a few years ago I got into my ex’s (we weren’t ex’s at the time) Plenty of Fish profile (the dummy used my computer to look for women) I sent them all each other’s emails from him. Most of them dumped him like a hot potato and thanked me. He was some pissed I tell ya! He tried to do some fancy foot work and told them I was the psycho ex and I don’t know what happened with them.

          You and I know he is putting on a really good show right now, he’s being the perfect man, he’s their “soul mate” an they are the “perfect” woman for him. So right now they wouldn’t probably believe any thing you send them. But eventually the cracks are going to show and they will remember things that now make sense. Knowledge is king, the more knowledge they have the more likely they are to pick up on the signs earlier and maybe save themselves some heart ache. It depends on whether you want to help them or wait until he’s done with them and scrape them off the sidewalk when he leaves them and they are nothing more than a pile of emotional goo. 🙂

          Good luck!
          Carrie
          Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

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          1. Thanks, Carrie. Don’t know if I am willing to be portrayed as pining, heartbroken, etc, or even mad. I’d rather be portrayed as busy doing something else and it was just more convenient for my friends to drop off/ pick up for me ( they drive thru the town he lives in regularly & he’s only 5 blks off the highway they drive.
            Funny you mention the cords–my ex did a similar thing, only he swapped mine (good ones) for cheap, worn, thin little crap ones. And kept the HDMI cable for my TV.
            Will try to muster up the stomach to give him more stuff, tho I’m tempted to go, “No problem. [My friend] will pick up (insert any number of valuable things that were and are mine that
            he has kept) while he’s there, too. Thanks for hanging on to the paintings for me:-)” Ha!
            (Hey, ya gotta indulge the fantasy once-in-a-while, n’est-ce pas? lol)
            As for his lovers, I’d call/write them in a
            heartbeat if I thought it wouldn’t get back to him, and for the same reasons you referenced. Weird, but I feel more concern for at least one of them
            than anything. But then, they knowingly involved themselves with someone they knew was living with someone and regardless of the stories he no doubt won their sympathies with, another part of me says, “He’s all yours, Honey, and what you’re going to wind up with? It’s called KARMA.”
            Thanks for letting me rant. It feels good to be at the angry, disgusted, contemptuous and fantasizing-about-
            revenge stage…beats the hell out of the utter shock and heartbreak of the holocaust of the first several weeks!

            Like

            1. Yeah I kinda figure if they knew he was involved they’ve got whatever he dishes out coming in spades. When a guy starts whining to me about his wife/common law in hopes of winning my sympathies I always tell him, “If you’re so unhappy leave and if you don’t want to leave then put as much effort into that relationship as your putting into getting me into bed and you might be surprised at your wife’s attitude change.”

              I say let them find out on their own| and you know they will.

              Vent any time you like, there is still a roller coaster ride of emotions you will be working through and you might need an ear. I was surprised at how much stuff came out the longer I was away from my ex. You are in such a state of heightened emotions and in survival mode when you are with them you shelve a lot of the pain and even forget events. Once you are free of his glass and mirrors and aren’t always riding the roller coaster from hell, you start dealing with all this shit you buried. It’s normal. And if he thinks you aren’t hurting enough he’ll do everything within his power to push your buttons. Believe ne, he’s not done with you yet.

              I don’t mean to sound negative I’m just giving you a heads up to what I went through and so many women I’ve talked to.

              Just take care of #1, YOU!
              Carrie

              Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

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  10. Thanks, Carrie. At the moment I am feeling frustrated with myself and stymied by the situation. I have not responded to his last text, sent to me Wednesday. I am really having a hard time bringing myself to give him the 2 ($4 each value?) and the $10 dehydrator I found at a garage sale; especially just to have a chance to get back an heirloom painting and a couple of other items of sentimental value to me that mean nothing to him. It’s not about the glasses or the dehydrator for me, it’s the grotesqueness of his game. I don’t want to play! God knows he’s already got a ton of my stuff that I just resigned myself to walk away
    from. It offends and galls me. And now he has the unmitigated gall to demand anything further from me? To use it as leverage? You know what I mean, I’m sure. I’m still sitting on it…

    I am frustrated to be backsliding in any way. To know that merely by sending a text asking for those few items, I have gone from feeling MUCH better and happy, to poisoned and preoccupied with it all again. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

    Meanwhile, a woman I’ve met once or twice sent me an invitation on Linkedin a few weeks ago and I accepted it. She’s kind of eccentric, but struck me as friendly, enthusiastic and sweet when I met her, so why not?

    Then I learned a few days ago that she & my ex are sleeping together. Apparently, not realizing she was talking to a woman whose been my friend for 36 years, she started telling my friend about this “absolutely wonderful man” she’s been seeing and how he makes her “organic omellettes” for breakfast, etc. Turns out she was talking about my ex.

    I don’t feel jealous, but I do feel a lot of other things, not the least of which is a desire to give her a heads up (not that she’d believe me just yet). Well last night I sent her a note that said I’d heard she was seeing him & that my heart goes out to her. I’d didn’t go into detail, but This morning I woke up realizing she will tell
    him about it and I am no doubt going to pay for that. I really need to learn to leave my emails alone when I’m drinking wine!

    Anyway, once again he is under my skin and short of letting him keep the few things I want back at this point and just going NC permanently, I’m feeling between the proverbial devil & the deep blue sea. ARRRGGGHHHH!

    Like

    1. L,my apologies! I know I replied to this comment but for some reason it doesn’t show up. I have been having major internet issues and finally got a Galaxy which has been a big learning curve.

      I am sure you have dealt with this issue by now but I wanted to check in and see how things are going and what happened.

      Please don’t beat yourself up because he managed to get to you. That’s why they keep insignificant things or show up out of the blue; to make a sure you keep thinking about them.

      If it isn’t the painting he would find something else. That’s part of the reason why they are so hard to get over.

      The less contact the better; hopefully your friend was able to get your things. I know you don’t want to let him “win” but as long as you are away from him you are the winner

      Like

  11. Hi Carrie,

    Thank you for your reply. It is always so comforting to hear from you and read your posts.

    What happened? Well,last Sunday my friend was here and offered to do the switch for me, so I texted my ex asking if he was home that day, and explaining my friend (who lives in another town south of my ex’s) was here and would come by with the glasses, etc, and pick up my things for me if he’d be home. No response. I finally sent my friend away with my ex’s things, just in case he texted in time that he was home. It made sense anyway, as my friend lives only 2 blocks from my ex’s office and my ex knows very well that my friend is a very mature, very together guy who would be respectful, friendly, etc. My guess was that: (1) My ex was at home, but with his new victim and didn’t want to be distrubed;, and (2) my ex wouldn’t want to face my friend anyway, no matter how polite, etc my friend would be. He wants to keep ME in the game, not my friend.

    He finally sent me a text the next day (Monday morning) that my paintings
    and a box of my pictures were on his back deck (semi-open…roof leaks..dirty & generally not a good place for such things) and that I could “get them whenever.” It was a day he’d normally be at work, so I drove down immediately, only to discover (as I had once before) that both of his vehicles were there. So I drove a few blocks, then texted him “Are u at home?” No reply. Still, I’d driven 25′ to go there for my things, so after several minutes I texted his work cell: “R u at home?” He replied simply, “No.”

    I realized that he must be driving his new victim’s car (her store is closed on Mondays), which explained why both of his vehicles were still there. So I went and collected my things he’d left on the deck and decided at the last minute to grab a few other things of mine: A potted plant, a shovel & dirt fork, a pr. of pruners and 3 tomato cages he wasn’t using. I could have taken a ton of things–all mine–but didn’t. And yes, I knew full well that he’d be incensed as it was, but I hardly cared. I couldn’t help but snoop around a bit either, and sure enough, there were her cigarette butts in the ashtrays outside, her empty cigarette package in the recycling, etc.

    What really disgusted me was the state of the yard. I had spent 2 1/2 years working tirelessly–even in the rain and fall/winter months sometimes–trying to improve what had been an overgrown, weed-infested eyesore into a nice, increasingly pretty and productive yard we could enjoy. During the summer months I worked in the garden before I even had a shower and went to work, then would come straight home after work & work in it until dark, stopping only to make sure he had a fresh-cooked, hot meal and a tidy house to come home to. He was always (supposedly anyway) working on his boat or working late at the office, so I spent at least 90% of my evenings and weekends alone there, working in the yard. Last year I worked tirelessly on our vegetable garden, then froze, dried, canned, pickled, etc, so much produce from it last fall that each of us still have a ton of stuff left from it.

    You should see the yard now. Overgrown with 1-3′ tall weeds, my flowers spilling all over the place, the greens in the suddenly weed-choked garden gone to seed. Wow.

    After I left, I texted him that the things he wanted were at my friend’s place and that he could pick them up anytime (I knew he’d be expecting me to leave them on his deck).

    An hour or two later (he must’ve left the office early, so he could spend more time with his gal on her day off) I got a text from him (in reply to my text about his things being at my friend’s place). It read: “How very considerate of you Seems u grabbed a couple extra items when you were here, why aren’t I surprised. I trust you won’t be back to claim or break anything else”

    Why wasn’t *I* surprised? And I hadn’t broken anything (tempting as that might have been). I knew the best response from me would have been no response at all, but I responded anyway–I really wanted to let him know what I thought of him full blast, but tempered my reply as best I could, resolving to make it my last:

    “I have left a considerable amount of things that are rightfully mine and have not–not knowingly anyway–taken anything that did not belong to me. Yes, when I was there today I took a few garden tools and my butterfly bush, as I figured [my daughter & son-in-law] could use them. Most of the gardening tools and related items there were eithergiven to or otherwise legitimately acquired by ME, not to mention all the labour, plants, etc I invested into the place. Your conduct from Day 1 has been abysmal: No civilized, adult human with any kind of a conscience or decency would have ever behaved as you have and your sense of entitlement is disgusting. To the best of my knowledge I did not break anything.”

    His reply? “Abysmal huh, Coulda been worse, I could have behaved like you.”

    And that’s that. He still hasn’t contacted my friends for his things. If he doesn’t in the next month or so, I think I’ll just reclaim them.

    Anyway, the first couple of days after that exchange I was really depressed and I’m still struggling to shake it off. I have, a couple of times, gone into obsession mode and creeped his new victim’s business page on FB and her Twitter posts. Yesterday’s read, “Sorry, gotta go, my ride home is leaving in 10 minutes.” She must have a nicer car than his.

    So there you have it, play by play. I related it all in such detail for those new to this site and still learning about these creeps. As always, thanks for giving me a place to spill.

    Hope you’re having a great day! Hugs…

    Like

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