Quotes From Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse

QUOTES FROM SOME VICTIMS

“My biggest frustration and source of anger, is at those who have refused to take a stand when they saw the abuse perpetrated by my N ex-husband. No matter how outrageous his behaviour others often stood by and inadvertently fueled his denial……although denial is too mild a word for what N’s practice. It still takes my breath away when I recall the casual dismissal of my person by this N. it took a long time to recover, I had to figure it out on my own and then needed others to know what was happening to heal and help me get away. But it’s so hard to explain unless you experience it up close. I mean people would see the behaviours but never put the whole picture together.”

JC used to accuse me of making him look like an asshole by talking to people about our relationship. My reply; “If me telling the truth about our relationship makes you look like an asshole then maybe you should stop acting like an asshole”

“A walk in the Garden of Eden turns into a gut-wrenching rollercoaster ride in Hell Park. Someone who claims to love you can seem like an angel but spends most of their time being vicious and evil, often in sneaky ways, undermining you and your life. The word “abuse” doesn’t seem enough to express the torture”

“Now he is getting in touch again and I don’t know why (he loves me, more use out of me, to hurt me – but why??) and I am a wreck. He knows my buttons and he pushed them with finesses. I still feel the pull and though I consciously know he’s an asshole (sorry) and I am disgusted and furious, I’m having a lot of trouble internalizing that point. I took a huge emotional risk and crashed – and it REALLY hurts. I feel like I was set up and I don’t feel like myself.”

“The more you allow contact the harder it will be. You have to decide on boundaries and keep them. Every word he says, every gesture, every point of contact is chinking away at your heart and your resolve crumbles. He will tell you what you want to hear…..he has spent a life time learning how to manipulate. He is poison”

“These people are trained in militarist warfares of the mind. Most of us are no match because we FEEL, we CARE, and we LOVE. All of these emotions impact our decision making abilities. A narcissist could care less about any of these emotions, he/she DOES NOT FEEL, at ALL, except perhaps the negative emotions such as RAGE, ANGER, and HATRED.

“Charming, seducing, angelic…..and lying, betraying, manipulating; these people carve a swath of misery in their wake. They damage the lives of almost everyone they encounter. And yet, we think it’s our fault that we tolerated their abuse.”

No doubt your N turned around and solicited the sympathy of his next mark by howling, “LOOK what she did to me!” and of course you are standing there with nothing but invisible psychic wounds.

“Anyone who hasn’t been in the frontlines trying to deal with an N simply can’t get their heads around the devastation they cause to ones life. The stories are so bizarre that it’s easier for them to believe that YOU’RE the disturbed one. However, little by little I am being given understanding and support, and that’s been extremely validating.

“I was the only non man-basher when the gals got together once a month. I used to listen to them complain and think how very silly they were. They didn’t know how great they had it. How do you explain the horrendous behaviour of an N to anyone unless they see it….how do you tell anybody of the incredibly horrible things they do to degrade you into hell and explain why you haven’t left them”

“Men or women CANNOT express this confusing world to anybody who hasn’t been there. It is HELL on earth. And so is the recovery process. I don’t think I will ever be capable of believing anyone again or taking the chance of any more torture.”

“Non-victims can’t understand this, but the N really does suck the life out of a caring person.”

“It was like trying to raise another kid, but an irrational mean one at that. One who couldn’t, wouldn’t learn and it was all my fault”

“He cheated on me endlessly, used women for money and sex, kept telling me it was my fault, and the sorry thing is I believed him because of low self-esteem. So for years I thought that if I tried a little harder, worked harder, pleased him more, did more, then he would wake up and see what a wonderful person I am….but no. He would blame everything that happened to us on me.”
“I tried to tell people about our home life and it sounded too made-up and crazy …….how could this wonderful, charismatic man be so bad?”

“I knew that his emotional world was comparable to the way a shark feeds. Sharks are a great metaphor for the emotional world of an N. their whole being, I mean every word, gesture and action is to present a false picture and to supply their insatiable need to avoid emotional contact with others without losing their supply and false sense of perfection. It’s quite a balancing act for them and you better believe that they are very good at it because they have been at it since childhood and for them it is a matter of survival.
“They steal the innocent, harmless fun out of life…..it’s like you find yourself in a position where all the good things and good intentions in the world are somehow blocked from applying to you. As though they poison the sunlight. They try to gag and ban the truth….You get to feeling like there is no safety, no hiding place, no-one you can trust”

“They are trapped in the mind of a two year old, and they possess no cognitive ability to reason, to negotiate, to cooperate, to give and take, to love, to empathize. Rather their lives consist of ultimatums, demands, greed, egocentric thinking, bullying, temper tantrums, and a plethora of ‘I wants’ and ‘Give me’s’”

“It was as if I had been thrown into a clothes dryer and left on the tumble dry cycle-knocking against the side of my walls of disbelief, erratically, bruising, being knocked and jolted about some more, not knowing where the next blow will come from. In that dryer, I remember. In retrospect, I gather the evidence and recount the signposts that I missed, the history of my abuse that I did not know was abuse, the slow, insidious, sadistic rape of my mind and heart and soul. As the proof accrues, and unspeakable reality dawns, I am finally knocked senseless by it, the shock is so great.”

“My boyfriend of 4 yrs constantly cheats on me, he is manipulative, he cares only about himself but pretends to care about me when convenient – he can’t commit, he jumps from job to job a lot, does not know the concept of saving money has bankrupted me and has sucked me into his warped world. I am now co-dependent and a nervous wreck. I constantly snoop through his things. I catch him cheating and he denies it time after time and I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth – is it possible he is a narcissist?”

“The last 10 years I have been involved with a charming and charismatic man. The ten years have been characterized by cycles of what felt to me like intense closeness followed by indifference and rejection. He has told me he loves me, has asked me to marry him then become cold and rejecting. Often the rejection comes after times of especial closeness. Driven to despair by these mixed signals I have ended our relationship several times. When this happens all goes quiet for awhile, then he contacts me, full of charm etc. we get back together and the cycle repeats itself. His attitude towards me has always been ‘fit in or f*** off’

“How do I convince myself that he is as evil as everyone says and how do I stop loving such a horrible person who brings nothing to the table? I have been step-mom, his banker and his keeper for the last 4 years, without gratitude. I have paid his child support and many of his other bills, I have bailed him out of jail-you name it- the problem is just when I have had enough he turns on his charm and sucks me back in. can he really love me or am I only kidding myself?”

“Yes, it hurt SO BAD. I guess what hurts about it is that we loved, in normal healthy ways, and expected the same kind of love back. Not only did we not receive the same love back, but we received evil back. Double Whammy – no love back, and mean hurtful intentional crap.”

“I sometimes wonder why I put up with so much crap and think I always had hopes that it would get better and that keeps us hanging in there until its unbearable. We finally have to give up on them to get ourselves to a position where we can take care of ourselves quit revolving everything around them and their wants, needs, and desires.”

Like many I have gone through the pain of having my life turned inside out as the result of narcissistic abuse. I know how it feels to reach the lowest lows and have to struggle to get my life back. I know how it feels to be so drained emotionally and physically that I can’t work or be productive in any way.
At my lowest point I couldn’t eat or sleep. I couldn’t go to work or socialize with people. My friends and family couldn’t understand the depth of the pain I was in and thought I should just “snap out of it” or “get over it”. I would have loved to be able to just “get over it” But this was one of the most difficult challenges life had brought my way. Even doctors and psychologists couldn’t help me other than to give me medication to help me “cope”. It wasn’t until one of my few friends I had left referred me to a psychiatrist who believed I had been in a relationship with a narcissist, that my desolate world began to have meaning. I could finally at least understand why I was feeling the way I was. I finally had somewhere to go with this. I was not crazy as I had come to believe I was! I made it my mission to understand this strange disorder that left me feeling as if I had been raped on a soul level.

“We have to get mad, get strong, cut our losses, and totally shut them out, and make ourselves available for a GOOD man, or find peace by ourselves. I fought so hard for the relationship the was it could have been (if he weren’t mentally ill) and giving that up is brutal. But it’s growth. By the way – I talk a good talk, but I’m still roadkill.”
“I remember when I started reading up on personality disorders it was right after the first time he hit me – I thought maybe he had a split personality, I could almost see the switch between the two personalities, he didn’t even look the same – the super sweet guy who loved me like no other ever had and the manipulative, out of control, devaluing, vile-tempered, self-absorbed jerk who couldn’t hide his distain for me. I used to try to figure out if his True Self was the Good Guy or the Bad Guy. The truth is there is no True Self, everything about an N is False it is all part of the “game”.

-The False Self has one objective – to have power over others (specifically you). The False Self doesn’t care if this power is in the form of you adoring it or fearing and hating it. If it can make you dance it feels good. They are in control, and that’s primarily what narcissism is all about. So remember this if you think that if you love him enough he will drop the defenses and once again be the Good Guy you met. The Good Guy and Bad Guy are both part of the False Self. As sad as it is to accept he is hollow, empty and pitiful, he is incapable of love.

Advertisements

678 Replies to “Quotes From Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse”

  1. Very recently, i discovered that my father is a Narc, the day i concluded this i felt as if i have fallen off a cliff in horror. i am so shocked but very happy to identify that he is a Narc. It took me 20 years to know this. i had too many questions over his behaviour at me what he showed and what he was doing to me and i just kept bewildered and confused over them. Thanks to the heaven, as soon as I discover him as a Narc I got answers to each of the questions I had and each of them perfectly fit with his approach towards me, no more questions left, all is just explained easily and plainly and perfectly. I am amazed at this too. Still then I had to validate what I discovered, i just glued myself to net to explore more about this and more the information in it threw more light upon how i was abused and how i survived.

    My first reaction upon discovery of him as Narc was – O my god ! and an outright burst of anger and what not. spontaneously I just loudly spoke out to him – you are F******* worse than wolf (because comparing to wolf would be just not justified to this naturally living animal), this feeling that came out of my intuition was just enough to conclude all. Dear friends, I am speaking all this from my inner heart if you are victimised learn more about this and it will give you peace of heart and you will feel your life is all complete.

    A person from our neighbourhood in village got mentally sick and he eventually died after my Narc father scolded him for a very minor offence, and still there was another well respected person who made good friend to my father later got such a depression that he was never able to lift his head in society…… I can now imagine what happened to the these who turned mentally ill and how were their bones cut through. When he knew this, he said anyone who tussles with me will have end like this because I am with spiritual powers. I do not know how many other are his victims and it surprises me that everyone is scared of him and no one dares to speak to him and I just did not know why people are just so scared of my narc father.

    He said people suffer because of their bad karma towards him. I believed all these as a child growing as his son. For any reason I associated that if I behave anything little wrong, I would also suffer because he has such amazing power. He said wait until your karma ripens of your bad deeds. I was helpless.

    This is about a week now that I discovered this fact, I feel so light that my guilt conscience is not hitting me back, but still feel sorry for this Narc. Still believe somewhere that he will realise his things and will have an equal ground to communicate, but I learnt this is just no way. This still makes me sorry for his mental state and how he suffers self-pity and inferiority. I used to see all that in his face turning all black and cloudy very frequently, not expressing his emotions and feelings, showing of a mock face of love with strong vibes of hatred from deep inside, and quiet and when speaking something sort of cheesy and polite that sounded not matching to his body language.

    Now I learn that I am not alone, I am not bad and I am not an irresponsible immoral person, a new wave of hope and freshness passes through me, thank you god for your help in getting me to know this and I express my sincere gratitude.

    Like

  2. I was emotionally and financially abused by the female version of this spawn of satan, so I have been sitting and studying on this phenomenon for about five years, and if you google Narcissistic Abuse it it almost always women commenting on these sites, about their Narcissistic relationships? And as a man all the women that I have been involved with took quite a bit to earn their affections, and it seemed to me They Chose Me not the other way around..Since a woman has the option right? Men take whatever they can get, but a woman has all the options in the world! Try going to ANY dating site, women just get inundated with emails, thousands of options? But yet they choose a psychopath? If i had all the options women do I sure would not choose a Narcissistic abuser? I have posted this same comment on other sites, and NOT ONE woman has ever enlighten me to this situation! Must be because they know that it IS true? That they are choosing a psycho over a decent Man! Then someone start’s one of these discussions and all these women chime in! And when I read through these comments they are well versed and constructed, not like they are coming from some half wit???? What the Fuck is going on here.Please I really need to know how SO many are attracted to this same Fuck Twadd. I know that a Narc man is probably somewhat successful, because he uses and abuses people on in the working world too right? Can’t you women see a pattern here? There is absolutely know pattern with Narcissistic women, could be just about anybody, their abusive trap is much easier to fall into, but yet all you read about is women showing interest to a Fucking obvious abusive Moron!!! I mean women must like the challenge of being with someone that they think they can nurture and REPAIR, but you CAN NOT repair a Narcissist!!! Why don,t women start a Masochist Site instead doesn’t that make more sense. There are millions of lonely loving Men out there, and you get involved with Narcissist, you must LIKE the abuse why else would you do it? Am I missing something here? And I am getting really tired of reading about it, it the same thing every time? Why don,t we analyze something really dangerous, like the deceitful and cunning female Narcissistic psychopath? Some one draining your bank account and putting you in poverty!! Isn’t that more of a threat, than talking about something that you REALLY do have control over!!! If someone can write, and prove me wrong about what
    what I mentioned here I would appreciate it, other wise myself and ever man that reads this will think that it is True? Please Explain???

    Like

    1. Hi Pinetree……I am learning about the narcissist as I am in a situation where I have known two people now. My fellow and his ex-wife. I have always thought it was his ex-wife who was a N but on here they tell me its him. My boyfriend who I have known for many years has always been insecure and not able to handle relationships so what he did to his first wife was make her feel insecure and jealous so she never trusted him but she could never leave him also he told me he never loved her. She come down with a horrible genetic disease that she also passed down to her 3 out of 4 children. He stayed with her and nursed her until she died. I thought his attitude back then was not good as he only stayed with her because of the children who were small and their free hold home. Her mother was to die soon and he would get a large portion of that inheritance . Also down the track he inherited another house from another female who like him. He likes women. After his wife died he dated for 4 years and selected women on dating sites who were insecure he used them and then dumped them. Then he found this woman who eventually he lived with and married. Again no love, she had no money but she had a good job. He had 2 homes, own business so she was attracted to him. He bought her jewelry he paid $15,000 on an engagement ring so she was enjoying the attention. She was divorcing her first husband and left her 5 children 2 of them 10 and 13 with their father. Any how, these two had many fights off and on. Then his eldest daughter came down with the genetic disease and was bedridden. He had her come and live with him and wife. He cared for his daughter until she passed away (4 years). The wife was so jealous about him taking her in. All this cause a lot of arguing and his wife never had time for his daughter no empathy at all. On the day his daughter died in hospital he came home and told the wife, she told him well now we can move back into our bedroom and get on with our lives. He didn’t want her to come to the funeral but she said she is coming- what would the family think. He divorced his wife after daughter passed away. But the wife thinks they will get back together because she said no one will be able to handle him. So she blames him for everything but doesn’t see the reason he divorced her was the way she treated his daughter and him. Now I am on the scene. His ex now blames me for the divorce and keeps contacting him try to worm her self back. He tells her its over and then all the nastiness comes out of her again. She is trying so hard to break us up by coming in between us. Like last week end she knew I was away so she rocks up at his house. There is so much more in this story. All I know they both are as bad as each other. He is too weak to shut her out like blocking the phone not answering emails and he could shut the door in her face. All she wants to do is break us up and then go back to him so she can punished him more.
      I am getting sick of all this. But answering your question. I honestly think these men and women who are N pick their prey bluff their way into a relationship then the prey fall inlove with them and then the N attacks by controlling them. I am sure the N selects the soft nice person.

      Like

    2. Pinetree, you are obviously angry. I will gladly answer your question and correct a few of your misconceptions. Number one is you obviously haven’t spent much time on this site because we have had many men on this site who are greeted and supported just as the women are. We all know that there are female narcissist who cause just as much damage as the men and I have mentioned that in many of my posts and I say it on my welcome page, I don’t always use “he/she” because it gets repetitious and I do a lot of typing in a day. No one on here has ever said that female narcissist do not exist. The imbalance in the number of female victims compared to male victims is in direct correlation with the percentage of male narcissists compared to female narcissists. There just happens to be more male narcissists, not my fault believe me!
      I was a little offended by your statement that women choose to be with narcissist and you as a man have no choice in who you are with and you more or less said that men are easy to detect and women are not detectable and don’t have a set of traits that a person can use to identify them. I have to disagree with you and say I find it offensive that you were sucked in by a narcissistic woman yet would dare to talk to the victims of a male narcissist with such callous disrespect.
      It sounds to me like you have a hate on for all women, you will not hear any woman on this site diminish the suffering a man who has been abused by a narcissist. We are all victims of the same toxic type person. All narcissists use the same tactics to hook their victims with only slight variations because of the different sexes. narcissists are textbook, whether they are male or female and the victims are any age, gender, social class, or nationality. The N morphs into the person they know the victim will be attracted to in order to hook the victim. I am not going to go into great detail here and suggest that you read and research narcissists before you make blanket statements such as you have; because you are wrong. With the attitude you came in here with it is no wonder you have not had responses from sites or feel unwelcome; I am sure I am not the only one to find your aggressive judgmental attitude offensive.

      I am trying to be considerate of you and what you have gone through and everyone here would be happy to listen and give moral support but a few of your attitudes need adjusting. Plenty of Fish is not what I would call a healthy place to meet a person that you want to spend your life with. I have read the chat boards and can see that women are desperate for a man in their life, any man; they feel that an asshole is better than life without a man. That is a sad statement on the society’s views. No one, man nor woman should allow another person to determine their worth. I have always valued myself and never “picked” an asshole in my life, if a man treated me with disrespect I tossed him to the curb. I was not desperate when I met James and yes I had many men wanting to date me, but I was choosy who I dated and I led a busy life and didn’t date just anyone, I didn’t have the time nor the desire to waste my time dating losers. James presented himself to be someone totally different than the man he was, but as you know; they are excellent actors and I was in far too deep by the time his true colors showed. Most of the women in here met their narc in much the same way.

      I beg to differ with you on the statement that women can have their pick of men and men are stuck with whoever will take them. That is the exact statement my ex used as an excuse for screwing around on me. He said I could have a different man every night if I wanted to. Key word there is, “wanted”, I choose to be faithful to him out of love and respect for him; I didn’t want to lose him and I loved him far too much to ever be able to be with another man. Him on the other hand was approaching every woman he saw, whether they had anything in common or not and was in a relationship with me and lying to them. Women usually wait for a man to ask them out so where you get that they can have their pick I don’t know. Your own insecurities I imagine.

      I feel sorry for the women in your life if you view them all as “all you could get” I certainly would hope that a man is with me because he feels he has found a gem and he treasures me. Not because he couldn’t find anything better.

      I would venture to guess that 80-90% of the women here were left destitute by the narc they were involved with. Whether the narc is male or female they have one goal and that is to drain the victim of all resources. Are you trying to say that women never have assets that the narc would want and only men ever have property or money, homes, or investments. i can not count how many women here have lost every dime they had bailing out a narc, financing his business ventures, feeding and putting a roof over his head. I am living in poverty as a direct result of my ex draining me of every dime and then destroying my business and going on a slander campaign trying to ensure I never had anything ever again.

      I am getting angry now and actually almost feel like you are a narc trolling my site trying to insight anger for the fun of it, because your whole rant didn’t make sense if you truly have researched narcissists and truly are a victim.

      Like

      1. Very nicely put, Carrie! However, this Dipshit Pinetree (sorry, I can’t be as kind as you were in your response) obviously is a Narc himself with all his passive-aggressive name-calling, playing the blame-game, and the intonation of his post being full of anger (as you mentioned) with all the expletives. This Dipshit Pintree really isn’t worth your time in trying to explain anything about anything…being that it is totally evident by his post that he IS a NARCISSIST!!! What a knob!!!

        Like

        1. Lynda, thank you for your comment. I see that Mr Pinetree never returned. He asked for an explanation but obviously was not interested in getting an answer that did not agree with his attitudes. Whether he is a narcissist or not, you can’t fix stupid.

          Like

    3. My feeling is that Narcs appeal to women at a very primal level- they have all the facets of Alpha males when you meet them i.e. strong, attractive, considerate, loving, protective and women fall for that at quite a basic level. That’s why when you realise it is all fake, there is a huge sense of shock and betrayal which is, of course, what they get off on so I can understand a decent mans frustration with seeing women falling for the same thing time and time again and can only say, I think there are primal urges and a degree of cultural bias at work. The ‘Bad Boy’ is romanticised in our society not only in films but also in novels and romances – they are a challenge and you are the chosen one if you tame them ( what a load of baloney!) – think Heathcliffe in Wuthering Heights, Mr Rochester in Jane Eyre- 50 Shades of Grey in modern times. Also, most women want to feel protected at a basic level and Narcs are very good at making their victims feel that way because they are so focussed in on their prey – not for any other reason, I might add, then to learn about their weaknesses. So, I personally have a lot of sympathy here with the poster. After two bad Narc experiences in my private and work life, I am now sooooo appreciative of decent people- my male friends who respond when they should and dont mess me around, take me to the airport when I need it and generally give a damn and I am totally and uttered sickened by Narc behaviour and the way they get away with their abuse of people. To me, they are pure evil, beings who do not have normal human emotions and get off on the abuse and mental, physical, financial destruction of others. Unless we really wake up to this phenomena and start to call a spade, a spade and really get tough on these beings, then we are in for a rocky future IMHO.

      Like

      1. Unless we really wake up to this phenomena and start to call a spade, a spade and really get tough on these beings, then we are in for a rocky future IMHO.

        Just to clarify that last statement, I mean society as a whole.

        Like

        1. Bridget, you theory is the stereotypical “women love the bad boy” theory and I am afraid that is a totally different problem than being involved with a narcissist. Bad boys are always bad boys, and yes there are girls that are attracted to them and think they can change them and I think they get what they deserve, no one can change someone else.
          But it is a different ball game with a narcissist, a narcissist presents himself to be honest, a gentleman, kind, romantic, giving, even tempered, any way that is the way James presented himself to me. I certainly was not attracted to him because he came across as a bad boy, far from it. I actually thought he might be too spineless for me. i was concerned that if need be he wouldn’t even fight to save my life. He was a push over, never got mad at anyone, ever! never said a harsh word to me or anyone else. He appeared to be totally in love with me and that telling me he loved me was a major deal for him and he could never say it to more than one woman at a time. I truly thought I had hit the jackpot, I had found my soul mate. He wrote poetry, bought me flowers, was open and honest about everything, took me to meet all his friends and family, had me answer his phone for him, he had a good career, intelligent, law abiding (or so I thought) Far far from a “bad boy” .
          THAT is what makes the narcissist so dangerous, they do not let their true colours show until they have the victim firmly hooked.
          You are only remembering the narcissist AFTER he let his mask drop, we have to educate society to pick them out BEFORE the mask drops. If we just describe the narcissist in the terms of his true character no one will ever learn to protect themselves. They need to know that the narcissist will come across as the greatest guy on earth when you first meet him. To tell people only about how evil they are is doing society an injustice, they meet a narcissist and he is so sweet and honest they don’t think he could possibly be a narcissist. That is why they do it.

          Like

    4. Dear Pinetree,

      You seem to have some very serious anger issues toward women. You also seem to have no insight into your own mental issues or women. You also seem to have zero understanding of what a narcissist is. You should read several articles on narcissism and other personality disorders before writing such a rant against women and posting it. The reason you are having trouble being able to find a woman that you have chosen is because you are scaring women off with your anger, resentment, lack of understanding women, and misconceptions about what kinds of choices women actually have. The reality is that most of the messages women receive on dating sites are offensive and unwanted. Women are viewed and treated by men as objects that they are entitled to. Most of the men simply want to have sex with you and then move on to the next conquest. The ones who want relationships also view you as an object; one he wants to possess and smother because he is so insecure and desperate. Desperation is unattractive in either gender.

      Narcissists share one very important characteristic with sociopaths, they are both incredibly charming. They bother know how to play the object of their desire like a fiddle. You love being around them because they are so charismatic, intelligent, fun, and adventurous. They take you to places you have never been. They are amazing at sex. They know how to “fake” niceness so well that they make you feel like a princess in the beginning. They choose their victims very carefully and slowly groom them. They choose partners who have been abused their whole lives but don’t really know it or don’t fully understand the extent to which they have been abused. People choose what feels comfortable. What is comfortable is what is normal to them, to their personal life experience. If a woman spent her entire youth surrounded by 2 parents and a brother with extreme mood swings, has only received very conditional love from her father and very little attention from him, her parents allowed her brother to beat the living hell out of her for 14 yrs, and allowed the mental abuse to continue indefinitely, and she was never praised for anything but her looks, what exactly would you expect from her? What kind of man is she going to be attracted to? One who feels familiar, and normal….but familiar and normal to her is physical & psychological abuse, and men who are distant and only show love when you have pleased them. To compound things further this woman had tried many times to confront her family, but was always told that she was crazy, that it was all her fault. she had no right to her feelings, didn’t have the right to be angry, hurt or upset by the way she was treated. This woman was told repeatedly by her mother that she HAD TO PUT UP WITH the physical and mental abuse that her brother bestowed upon her, that it was HER DUTY to tolerate this HELL that was bestowed upon her. This woman watched her parents get into nightly screaming matches followed by her mother running her bedroom, screaming & crying, and calling you into the room to listen to her verbally destroy her father. This woman’s father has been dead now for 10 yrs and her mother still wants to verbally destroy your dead father’s memory, right after claiming that she loved him so much….this same woman never could be bothered to buy your father’s grave even a headstone…yet 4 weeks after he died she blew $30k on plastic surgery….

      Would you really expect this woman to have any idea how to be in a relationship with a NICE man? She doesn’t even know how to feel attracted to a nice guy…Nice is extremely uncomfortable to this woman….and every time she has tried to pick a “nice guy,” she turns out to have been wrong…it turned out he was just another imposter, only pretending to be nice, and then his true self came out and she was hurt again.

      These are the type of women who fall prey to a Narcissist…because a NORMAL WOMAN would see through him rather quickly and run screaming the other way….

      I have been abused by men my whole life. I will not list all of the horrible things men have done to me because it is too painful to recount. However, I am at least intelligent enough to realize that not all men are evil, and I would NEVER write or post such horrible words about men as you have written about women. You THINK you are a nice guy, but you are not, and women can see that because although you have a very inflated ego, you are not a narcissist. You are not charming enough to be a true narcissist, so you come off as very angry and hateful of women, women see that and reject you, and you hate women even more, that makes increases your anger and resentment, and the vicious cycle continues to feed itself. A woman cannot love someone who hates her…the narcissist doesn’t hate her, not all the time, only when she disagrees with him or reminds him of his true pain….but it always subsides…the hatred spells of a narcissist only last a short while…then you do something to inflate his ego and please him and he likes you again….

      Like

    5. Pinetree… Based on your comment I highly doubt that you are the victim of narcissistic abuse. I truly believe that you are a sick, pathetic and sadistic narcissist yourself. Rape is rape, and abuse is abuse. It doesn’t matter what gender you are. How dare you use a website where people are trying to recover and put their lives back together, to spew out your evil venom. Im sure you only made that deplorable comment to evoke emotions from people who have or are still suffering. I’m sure it’s giving you the narcissistic supply you undoubtedly need. Hopefully you won’t receive another comment. Fly back to hell where you obviously came from!!!!

      Like

    6. Um, hello….they don’t have ‘I am a narc’ written on their heads! When you first meet them, they are funny, charismatic, are amazing company and make you feel incredible! It is an insidious evil that creeps in….

      Like

    7. I can tell you this from experience, my father was an abusive violent man and my mum was an alcoholic, I believe my father not to be a narc but let’s just say he has unresolved mental health issues (I think he has aspurgers) but he won’t agree to be seen, my mum suffered at the hands of my dad, she was already of low self-esteem as she had been the one born with club feet, along with her perfect healthy twin sister. But there are years before I was born where the damage to me had already begun. They met got married like the rest of society had kids, but something was always wrong as a child having to walk on eggshells was a heavy burdon , seeing my loving mums bloody face and my dads beautifull eyes crying after what he had done pulled at my heart I loved them both, all I really wished was that I could save them both, I was scared of my dad yes but I still loved him. I ran away a few times, and as I was the youngest of 4 kids I was always back to where I was trying not to be I just wanted to feel secure, when I was 14, I met a 19 yo man named nick, he seemed sweet and careing and he said I was (cute)!! Bare in mind I’d just turned 14!! Had no real friends and had been bullied servearly I had no direction clearly maped out for myself had never been in a relationship and here he was, telling me he liked me ( liked me like that!) He took my verginity without protection two days later and also proposed to me, all of which he wanted to keep a secret until I was 16, I was not a social bunny, I know you may have your opinions on this but it never dawned on me that what he was doing was rape, I thought I loved him, but he would accuse me of being with other guys when I went to visit my dad after him and mum split, when I was 17 I had a misscarage. And when the sonographer gave me an internal scan they discovered cysts on my overys and the baby had yet to come away. Because the internal scan equipment had a condom on it he giggled to himself and then asked me if I enjoyed it! I was deeply hurt and shocked but I put it down to him not knowing how to feel about it( I don’t think that at all now) I was sent to theatre for a DNC to get rid of the remains. I was living with him at his granddad’s he was working and I was fresh out of hospital gowns get there only to be told that I had this and that to do to take care of the racist old man. All the while this old man had been looking at his granddaughters scan pick of the baby he would rub it in my face I left nick there and went home to my mum who all this time had been alone and had been drinking more a d I thought it was all my fault, so I moved back in and nick swiftly following saying how sorry he was, I found out later that he had been seeing someone else but I said nothing, I tried hard with mum but what I didn’t realise back then is that she had to do this not me but I ran myself into the ground trying to get her to stop…. 17 guys I was seventeen! Still essentially a child! Im Angry now back then I was hurt and I didn’t know why just thought I was bad…. Like I deserved it!… Nick continued to push me further into myself constantly accusing me of seeing other people when I started college at age 18! Also bare in mind this whole time I’d had no education either from the age of 14 upwards I was expelled from school right after my mum had her face pummeled by my dad cos I just couldn’t voice my pain and attacked a teacher. They should have seen my plight but chose to ignore it too. All the bullying everything from home older boy by my side not one person lifted a finger to help me not one people like me go through life being pushed a d conditioned into thinking we are to blame! The guilt eats away at you, you think your bad dirty! Useless! I kept getting back with him because I knew nothing better, and he could be extremely sweet, I was so confused. I stuck this out for 7 and a half years! My mum died on the 25 of December 2001 nick was the last person to see her alive, I’d I deeply started to suspect him that he had done something to her, I was the o e who descovered my mum dead on her sofa like she was asleep and my whole world just calapsed. Then I descoverd I was pregnant again and had to push my thoughts to the back of my mind because this baby matterred to me he did not anymore! I kept my distance from him when we were in the same room but he would pick and argument and I just didn’t care anymore when the jibe came that hes tea wasn’t right I launched his plate at him and told him I hated him and his response was Sarah your a fucjing phsyco! I had the baby after a 43 hour labour that ended in c- section and he went to wet the baby’s head and came to hospital worse for where’s and nearly dropped the baby I told him to get the hell out and the midwives escorted him away though he returned the nest day full of apolgys we moved into a new flat when the baby was 12 weeks old, bare in mind I had never played a y of the bills personally I’d given him my mom ey all if it for the bills but I was not prepared for when two weeks later he left me for someone else telling everyone I was cookoo! I had no idea how to survive alone I was scared and my baby needed me, I suffered postnatal depression so the Dr said but I was depressed for some years before that, I moved to preston and got with someone else but he took me on at my weekedt moment and he was not able to understand me instead it enraged him and he would beat on me and it made me feel again like it was all my fault, I had two kids to him I left as soon as I had an escape route, sad but true but my kids deserved better than that but 8 years on their tirade of bullshit still exist, I have children to these men and cannot perge them from my life they are still dragging me through hell! Its not that I don’t want to get away. … I fucking can’t!!

      Like

    8. I AGREE WITH YOU,MY 43 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS A NARCICCISST.I TOOK HER CRAP FOR YEARS UNTILL I COULD NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE..I HAVEN’T HAD ANY CONTACT IN OVER A YEAR.ITS LIKE A VAMPIRE,THAT DRAINS YOUR FINANCES,YOUR SPIRIT,SOUL,AND ANYTHING ELSE THEY CAN TAKE.I WILL NEVER BE TREATED LIKE THIS AGAIN BY NO ONE.

      Like

    9. I agree ,women are narcissist to,my daughter is one,she drained me in every way,when I told her I would not be her doormat anymore,i was tossed like a piece of trash.I haven’t seen or talked to her in over 2 years.

      Like

    10. Hi You may not even read this as the thread is so old, but I cannot agree with you more. I was discarded by a Narc suddenly abruptly no arguments completely out of the blue after 20 years!! She then gaslighted me projected onto me etc. Truly weird weird weird, when I caught her out in her lies she gave me the blank stare, she is everything a Narc is supposed to be. I have a theory that we are (by design) attracted to the WRONG people, so to cause such bad feeling and energy for sick people to then feed off. These people literally use nice empathic people for FOOD!! And once they find a new food source you are history mate. She changed into someone else overnight. The only thing that has saved me is reading reading reading and talking and as far as I can no contact. I am divorcing the bitch and have joint custody of my kids. I hope to meet someone else and will be sure that I do not get tangled up with another one of these vile creatures. Keep strong everybody and be kind to yourselves.

      Like

  3. How come there are not more about the female spouse being the N. I was in a relationship With a very beautiful , Classy, sofisticated woman , so I thought. I have been in and out of this relation ship going on 6 years. I met her about a year and a half after my wife passed away very unexpectedly. Any way most of this time I really thought it was me. I thought I didnt know how to be with another woman only my wife so I tried to do more for her.When we first met it was heaven. We traveled and had so much fun, she introduced me to things Ive never done before, socially and intimately,Things changed For the worst and I really thought it was my fault. she finalized her divorce and got a substansual amount of money and then I was nothing but baggage to her. all the bills I paid, the things I repaired on the home . I had done none of those thingS. I had even made several payments on her car but she says I didnt make no such payments. she had enough money to pay her car and her home off. She choose to gamble all 130,000 of it away Well things went down hill and have been on that crash course until this morn. at 3:45. when she told me to leave her house. I had my suspisions for a couple years she has been involved with other men but could not prove it. she kepy saying the same thing she dont do things like that , she isnt that type of woman. well she has been very abusive i felt like she took every since of manhood from me. My self esteam, my dignaty, my pride. she distroyed me inside, but I still loved her.and just yesterday she told me she was glad I was there , last night we made love, well I did she had other reasons. any way we are laying in bed for a couple hours, the whole time she keeps looking at this window we have an airconditioner in it and doing like lipsinging and little hand and leg movements. but when i would look at her she would stop and act as to stretch. wel about 12:30 she starts jumping my ass saying your not looking to hard for a job u havent looked for the last three days , i told her no cause it is memorial day wknd and she said but still and stopped talking, just looking to start a fight and a reason for me to leave her home..My suspisions were true she wanted me gone cause she had another man not even half her age she wanted to come inside. but could not because I was there. i realized then that all the other times were for the same reason cause we were having a good time then out of nowhere she changed into the most evilest person i ever met. I had only found out what an N was alittle over a year ago. They have no concience no remorse they dont care how bad they hurt u, its all your fault, and they can sleep soundly

    Like

  4. Jimmy, I guess we don’t hear more about the women N’;s because the men aren’t writing about them. I have written a bit, but I am not a man, I don’t know what it feels like from a man’s perspective. And out of the over 1700 followers I have on this blog I would guess maybe a dozen are men. There isn’t as much info on the women, but they are basically the same whether they are male or female, and it is a proven fact that there are way more men N’s that females n”s.
    I write my blog for free, I write about what I know in hopes of saving someone else from the same fate. If someone paid me to do the research I would write more about the female narc, interview male victims etc, but I only have so much time in a day and must try to find paying work also.
    Maybe more male narcs should start blogs and be a support to other male victims, I am sure it would be popular.

    Like

  5. ive been reading website after website on narcissism for 2years now. I was married to a covert narcissist for 9 years. I wish I could rock all u folks in my lap in a rocking chair and take your pain away along with mine. I have all the head knowledge to heal from the nightmare but I can’t for the life of me get it down into my heart. It hurts so bad and I’m so angry bitterly. Honestly I’m at a point that I’m angry at God because I stood on God’s word and His promises for justice and time and time again Derek got away with it. What happen to u reap what u sow or pride cometh before a fall or when a man doesn’t provide for his family he is WORSE than an unbeliever 1tim 5:8 but gets blessed with a home and New car while I and our 3 boys sit in section 8 and food stamps and I work doubles and by myself tend to every need that comes with raising children? While he goes around preaching the gospel and wiping tears from the eyes of widows? Why isn’t God disgusted at this misrepresentation? Where’s the stumbling block for this fraud named Derek? I struggle with this boy man being in the fore front of my mind ALL the time, I zone out in flashbacks. I don’t want to think about him. I have deep bitterness and unforgiveness that has poisoned every facet of me. I’m angry be cuz I would have made a normal Christian man a precious helpmate and now at 33 years old with 3 children along with numb emotions and brokenness I now have nothing to offer. Except a cracked heart and 3 mouths to feed. Why does God allow this? We dust didn’t ask for this. We just desired what God wired in us to desire and stuck with it like God commands us to. All those tears and fetal position of desperation got me no where. Why is God selective on who He helps? Look I love my children and they are very well put together but honestly I hate my life be cuz of all the complex distorted torture of the brain silent treatment abandonment noncleaving nonproviding fake performance slaughter of the soul. I will never be the same again.

    Like

    1. Kati, I am sorry you are going through this, I know it seems like God has deserted you and the narcissist walks away and is even blessed with good fortune while you suffer and struggle; but you WILL heal! I promise. You didn’t say how long it has been since you split from your husband. Have you gone to court for spousal support and child support? If not, do it, please speak to a lawyer, whether your ex likes it or not, he is responsible to you and for the kids.
      As for nothing to offer at 33, you have SO much more life to live!! I don’t want to make light of what you are feeling but I have had women in here who were with a narc 35-40 years and left. If they can do it so can you! I was 52 when I left my ex after 10 years and I left with nothing, yes I felt old and used up with nothing to offer anyone, no family support (my mom had not talked to me for 2 years) my business destroyed by my ex, him encouraging me to kill myself because no man would ever want a psycho bitch like me. I even tried to take my own life; so I understand what you are feeling, but it all lies!!
      You have 3 little ones who are relying on you to get healthy and be the responsible parent, the loving parent, the example of a good loving, caring person. Maybe THAT was God’s plan, maybe he knew your ex was going to father these three boys and he made sure to give you the task because he trusted you to be able to do it and didn’t want to see these boys abused by their selfish narc of a father. Maybe God gave YOU this lesson because you need to see your value, maybe he needs you to dig deep and have faith in yourself, not on him to fix things for you, not rely on a man to give you worth but to find your own worth so you can do the next job he has in mind for you. I believe that at some point you are going to look back and think, “Now I know why I had to go through that, it makes sense now.” We rarely know why we have to experience things at the time that they happen, some times it takes years before we can make sense of it. And we never feel strong enough to get through the tough times, if we did they wouldn’t be tough times. For 2 years after leaving my ex I thought every day. “I can not do this one more day.” and every night I prayed I would die in my sleep so I would not have to wake up and face reality but everyday I woke up and I made it through another day. Then one day on here someone called me strong and said they wished they were as strong as me, and called me an inspiration. Say what? me strong? an inspiration? but I have cried every day for two years, I am not strong. But then I realized, hold it; I made it two years, I survived, that means I AM strong. I can do it! and my attitude changed. It is all in how we perceive life, my circumstance are not improved financially, my health is worse, but I have an inner peace I have never known before and I would not change a thing because the reward of inner peace is so worth everything I went through. That because of what i went through i have been able to help hundreds of people, save lives, just by sharing; i can not tell you how fulfilling that is for me. I always worried I would not find my purpose for being here, now I know and I no longer worry about finding my purpose I live it every day.
      You have been focussing on your ex, it is good to research narcissists to figure out what you are dealing with but if you want to stop obsessing about him and heal, at some point you have to put the focus on YOU and what makes YOu tick, what do YOU need, who are YOU?
      The more you think about the narcissist and how you have been done wrong the deeper those feelings get embedded in your brain. I am not saying to “just get over it and move on” but I am stating facts. Our brains only know what we put in them, it does not decipher between fact and fiction. If we tell ourselves that our life is over, we have nothing to offer, whatever negative thing lies the narc told you and lies you have been told your whole life by parents, friends whoever; over enough times, that is what we believe about ourselves and that is the way we act and we in essence bring it into being. The more we think about the N the deeper he gets embedded in our brain and our brain automatically goes there even if we don’t want it to. We have to retrain our brain. It takes time and effort but aren’t you worth at least as much effort as you have put into a person who could never love you and was a lie. You are real, your heart is real, your love was real, don’t you deserve the truth?
      Don’t you want your sons to know the real you? respect you? admire you? see your strength?
      There is a certain comfort in being the victim and not having control to change your life but it is far from productive, empowering or attractive. You are giving all your power to the Narc, why? Of anyone to give power over your happiness and self worth to, you are going to hand it over to a person who can’t love anyone and is truly the powerless one?
      I know you don’t see the narc as powerless but think about it. He is so inadequate that he knows he has to wear a mask because he knows that if a woman saw his true nature she would run away. A person so controlled by their need to control that they get pleasure from inflicting pain on others. A person who no matter what can not change, he will never grow a conscience or know love; true love. He can not ever be whole. You on the other hand are only limited by your own mind. You can change and be anything you want. you can choose to be happy, you can choose to be any person you want to be if you are willing to do the work on yourself.
      You have spent 9 years trying to save a man who doesn’t want saving, to fix a relationship that was based on lies and to please a man who doesn’t want to be happy. You have lived and breathed him for 9 years, he has consumed your every thought for 9 years and where did it get you? I promise you that if you put that effort into yourself for just one year you will see such a change in yourself you won’t believe you could ever feel so good and content.
      Give it a try! I am here, we are all here to help.
      HUgs

      Like

    2. I feel your pain and ask Godsimilar questions. What helps me is knowing my steps are ordered by God. I plan to fulfill my dreams regardless and find happiness. These people are predatory and do not deserve to rob you of your life. Don’t focus on him focus on you and the children. Many hugs.

      Like

  6. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 4 years, just ended it 8 weeks ago.
    I had no idea what a narcissist was until now.I went through hell for the last while, I was nearly destroyed emotionally,physically and ,mentally.Im working on myself to get back the loving, caring and compassionate human being that I was before I met him.
    Now I’m only a shell of my old self.
    I’m also finding it hard to move on from him, I can’t believe that part of me still craves him like a
    a drug:(
    It’s taking all my strength to keep to no contact, I hope it gets easier,I know it’s a long road!
    Thank you for helping us and informing us all!

    Like

  7. Kathy, it does get easier! trust me! keep reading, it helps to learn all you can about them so you are prepared if they pull a curtain call and it helps to know you are not alone. Reading other people’s stories you realize they are all so much alike and the victims all end up feeling empty and a shell of the person they used to be. it helps to know you are not alone in this. We are always here if you need to talk or vent./
    Welcome!
    hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thank you so much Carrie!
    I keep reading things to keep informed and remind myself what a monster I was dealing with. He even blamed me for having to smoke weed, everything that ever happened in his life it was my fault.
    Eventually I started questioning my sanity and I was sick with one thing or another…
    Then of course he didn’t like me being sick. I was so exhausted in some mornings I could hardly get out of bed, sometimes he would physically pull me out of bed, half joking that you can’t waste away the day in bed!

    Like

  9. It hurts so much to be devalued and it is so hard to trust again. I believe that I learned to be more responsible for my reactions and to be more protective of myself from now on. I will be cautious but want to love again.

    Like

    1. eck, how long has it been? give yourself time, you don’t have to trust again, don’t rush yourself because you think you need to be loved. Love yourself and know your worth, it is the best protection against a narcissist you could have.

      Like

  10. Everything I read makes me smile – it is so true! You just can not explain to a person who has not been there that it is a small, private hell, and that every gesture is fake and lie because normal people are honest and they can not comprehend someone being dishonest and horrific that much. They just would not except and treat him/her as a ‘hurt’ person who will do the right thing if you understood them more…. Sounds familiar?

    Like

  11. I have been reading through all the comments and now realize I am not alone which is healing in itself. My ex is in jail finally after almost beating me to death and like a child I am still hiding afraid he will bond out. He’s going to be so angry for being there! I’m sure he blames me but I am tired of running… I am scared of going back to work because its been so long. I am just really ready to stop being scared and ready for a change in myself and ready to be a strong woman again. I am sad and have low self esteem I think because its been a month and a half and my eyes are still black! I don’t think they will ever heal completely and feel like people stare at me n think I’m a druggy or something. I look horrible. Not to mention feeling like I’m a complete dumbass for falling for this devil..come to find out he had a 17 page long record of bad abusive things to his other women. They need to come with warning labels! How could I have missed all this. Am I really that blind or wea . Will I ever trust again or feel empowered to stand up n move on. I’m scared to see him in court but I have decided to testify regardless of the consequences in hopes that he will go to prison and I or any other woman, past or future will have to look over their shoulder anymore…praying for sanity to return soon!!!

    Like

    1. Lil Trouble. thank you for commenting. You are not weak, stupid or blind to have fallen for an abuser, victims of abuse come in all shapes, sizes, nationalities and backgrounds. They are usually kind forgiving, empathetic, responsible, trust worthy honest and intelligent attractive women.
      Your eyes will heal, it is the inside scars that will be the hardest and slowest to heal and I hope you will seek counseling to help you. You have eery reason to be afraid of your ex! please download the free Safety Plan at the top of the blog for some tips on staying safe. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the victim is leaving. 70 % of domestic homicides happen within 2 years the the victim leaving.
      There are many good articles here that might help you to understand what has happened to you and a great support group of people here and you are welcome to comment and rant, cry whatever you need,
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  12. Just left a 5 year marriage to a narcissist. Have a graduate degree in clinical psychology and didn’t see it! If they are such gifted actors and manipulators, how do you detect them before it is too late? How can you differentiate them from a truly loving and giving person?

    Like

    1. Dee,I think you only can ever be sure if you give it time, the mask falls off eventually, they can’t keep their true nature hidden for too long.
      And there’s your true, cruel monster revealed bit by bit…

      Like

    2. That’s a good question? Sometimes you don’t t know until you are already in the web! Look out for greedy,selfcentered ,ungrateful people.All they care about is themselves.Oh,they are nice around there friends because they wear there mask,but it’s when they get you alone is when there true self comes out.Good Luck

      Like

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.