Traits of a Narcissist

Statistics show that there are more men than women with narcissism but women cause just as much pain, devastation, and humiliation as the men and take just as much pleasure in destroying any one close to them. I refer to the N as “him” but these traits apply to women also.

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– Upon meeting new people the narcissist presents an image of being friendly, confident, reasonable, humorous, they usually are attractive or have sex appeal and intelligent. Whether it is a friendship, romantic relationship or a business deal the narcissist is on his best behavior until he is sure he has you hooked, then slowly the mask will start to slip and his true colors will show. The following traits are of the narcissist exposed, you will not see them until you are in deep, often times too deep to easily extricate yourself.

– People that know them find it very hard to believe the way he treats his family behind closed doors. At home he/she is withdrawn, arrogant, unavailable, and can treat their partner and children with loathing, resentment and self-righteousness. (JC had cried to me for years about the son he had never met, he finally met him and his son came to live with us. After a month or so my ex turned critical, angry, intolerant, and violent towards his son. He came home late after work, sometimes he didn’t come home at all, he ended up punching his son, calling him a selfish pig and telling him to get out and never come back because the boy ate his doughnut. We could be out in public and have so much fun, he would be loving and I would be looking forward to it continuing when we got home; but as soon as we got home he would disappear into his shop, pick a fight on the way home, or go on the computer)

– It is impossible to not fight with a narcissist; the simplest of requests such as “please take your boots off in the house” will turn into a major fight with you defending yourself. I never felt my ex and I were “on the same team”, seemingly obvious choices that would benefit us as a couple would be dismissed for whatever my ex felt would benefit him at the time, or to prove to me that he wasn’t about to do anything I thought was a good idea. He wasn’t afraid of being responsible for making bad choices because he would just blame me anyway and alter the course of events to suit his agenda and if all else failed he would just deny, deny, deny.

– Passive aggressive retaliations-ie: something special to you gets broken or disappears; he will purposely make you late for an event you are looking forward to. My ex “accidentally” dumped antifreeze all over ALL my photos, dumped the gold flakes out of a small vial I got while in Disneyland with my son, took or destroyed almost every memento I had. He even took my son’s baby teeth and a small charm given to me when he was born, and tried to blame it on his son. Destroying or taking you property as “punishment” is very common, you may not even know you angered the narcissist.  A situation that would have normally sent him into a rage doesn’t and months later you discover a favorite lamp is broken, or a memento is missing.

– When he meets new people he feels could be of benefit to him he acts the same as he does with a new “love ” interest. He instantly takes on their interests, their beliefs and values, suddenly he is quoting them like they are experts on any topic, he will lavish them with gifts, all they have to do is mention they need something and he is dropping it off to them, but not without a price, he plans on getting payback later and if he doesn’t he will find all kinds of fault with them and discard them as useless just like he does with the woman in his life.

-They will find a way of being the center of attention and if they aren’t they will leave. Whenever we were any where or if people came over to our house he would always be late (even when we were the hosts), he would just up and leave without saying anything to anyone, or injure himself. One time we had people (that he had invited) for dinner, we were having dessert and drinks by the fire outside and he disappeared, then we heard his Harley start and he drove off. Many of them are hypochondriac and are always complaining of some ailment or will injure themselves to get attention. Every time my ex and I fought I knew he would injure himself somehow, after I mentioned it too him then my truck started breaking down every time we fought. When he got with his new woman he had to go away for work, I figured he wouldn’t go and was surprised when he actually left for work, but I was not the least bit surprised when he ended up injuring himself and having to come home.

– They are extremely abusive verbally if not physically and those wounds take longer to heal if they ever do completely. The abuse starts with verbal assaults out of the blue. In the beginning you think he is the most even-tempered guy you have ever met, you never fight and he never loses his temper. But out of the blue he will totally lose it over some insignificant thing or perceived slight by you. If  you challenge his honesty or catch him in a lie, he will be indignant that you could believe such a thing of him and you end up apologizing because he is so angry.

– Many narcissists have a tendency toward violent and even criminal behavior. They will be the “bad” cop, the dirty lawyer, the white-collar crime executive, the employee that steal from the company, the petty pick pocket. They will steal from their own grandmother.

– Narcissist’s hate authority and boundaries and will do things just because he isn’t supposed to, the only thing that keeps most of them from breaking the law too severely is the fear of going to jail. They hate authority so much and need ns so badly that jail is one thing they fear the most.Seeing as they have no respect for a person’s boundaries they often end up pissing people off and getting into confrontations. From my experience when he was confronted by a man who was pissed at him, my ex usually didn’t respond violently or even verbally but would act as if nothing was happening at all. I have witnessed a big Harley riding dude threatening him, screaming and hovering over him because he owed the guy’s boss money and my ex just kept working on the motorcycle he was tinkering with and didn’t say a word. When he did feel the need to get even with someone he plotted passive aggressive retaliation. With me also most of his aggression was in the form of destroying something of value to me. That is not to say they won’t or don’t get physically violent, as time went on the physical abuse escalated in severity and frequency. From pushing, to choking to punching me in the head and physically preventing me from leaving.

– For someone who comes across as so personable and sensitive they will come up with some totally inappropriate comment. That is because they have no real feelings, no conscience or empathy. They study people so they can imitate appropriate reactions to situations, if they do not have a reaction “on file” they will exit the situation or may “wing” their reaction and miss the mark.

– To the outside world they present an image of a happy-go-lucky kinda guy but at home my ex would brood for days and refuse to tell me what the problem was. He would build a fire and stare into it for hours on end, or go in his shop and stay in there all night. If someone dropped by he would be friendly and happy but the minute they left he was sullen again. He seemed so unhappy yet would say it had nothing to do with me and he wasn’t sad. Eventually he would blow up and once he spewed all over me he would be happier again and act like nothing happened and be frustrated and angry if I didn’t immediately get over it.

– They don’t feel guilty about anything, they feel justified to screw around, steal, lie, and cheat to them you are only guilty if you get caught and can’t lie your way out of it. He was telling other women he loved them and sleeping with them when he was out-of-town and he knew I would be upset so he would lie. To him a lie was as good as the truth as long as you believed him. If you questioned him on it he was angry with you for causing conflict by not believing his transparent lies. I ruined things by looking on the computer and finding evidence of his infidelity; I was supposed to just be happy that he called to say he loved me and missed me and not care that he was with another woman at the time. His excuse for screwing around was I could have a different guy every night of the week. I had said, “maybe I could, but that is the key word, I “could” but I don’t because I love you. You should be proud that other men want me but I am faithful to you.”

– If their lips are moving they are lying. Narcissists are pathological liars, you probably have no idea all the lies he’s told you or about you. They will lie to you about things that you did together. They will misquote you to yourself. If you disagree with them, they will say you are lying, or crazy. (If you have been with them any amount of time you are probably starting to believe they might be right) They lie about EVERYTHING, even stuff they don’t have to lie about. There were lies he told me that I believed for the whole 10 years we were together and didn’t find out the truth until after we had split and I made an innocent statement to his sister who informed me he had been lying.

– After the initial “hooking you” idealization stage when they are wooing you with their generosity by taking you for dinners, buying you gifts and flowers they become downright stingy, buying things for themselves and ignoring your birthday, anniversaries, Christmas and Valentines. They will give you Valentine chocolates they bought on sale Feb 18th and eat 1/2 of them before presenting them to you as if they have done something wonderful. They will tell you that you do not deserve gifts because you haven’t earned them and tell you what they would have gotten you if you behaved better.

– If they are constantly starting fights about your spending habits it is more than likely a smoke screen they are using to hide their own spending from you.

– Narcissistic people usually have weird sexual hangups or addictions and rarely are they faithful. They have secret crushes, affairs, use pornography, have “Cyber” affairs, and generally are always on the prowl for the rush of new love. They are known for going after married people because it is a bigger ego boost to take someone away from their partner. They will entice their new victim with professions of undying and unconditional love and once they leave their husband or wife will discard them without a backwards glance with no thought to how they just destroyed a family. He will create his fantasy self on the internet and wants every woman to want and love him, whether they can truly ever be together is of little consequence to him, he lives in a fantasy world anyway. He gets the ultimate Narcissistic supply if he can get another man’s wife or girlfriend. JC bragged to me one time about how before he met me he had been outside washing his car when a pretty woman walked past taking her kids to school. When she was walking home he started up a conversation with her and before school let out he had her in bed. She was married and when her husband found out he came over to my ex’s. My ex beat him up and then charged him with assault and the guy was put in jail. My ex and this woman partied and screwed the whole time her husband was in jail. As soon as the guy got out of jail he would go to my ex’s looking for his wife. My ex would beat him up and then charge the guy with assault. He was laughing and was surprised when I thought it was disgusting and not the least bit funny. He had told me how devastated he had been when he found out a girl he loved was with another man and I reminded him of that, I thought he understood, but he’s been with a married woman just recently so obviously not!

– Often has one or several women on the hook should the present relationship end, also having two women in love with him keeps the narcissistic supply coming. I used to think my ex purposely let me find out he was pursuing other women just to make me jealous, it fed his ego to know I was hurt over the fact he wanted someone else. He especially enjoys triangulation, pitting two or more women against each other., both of them blaming the other when in fact they should both be angry with the narcissist.

– He has no problem promising anything to get a desired reaction or something he wants, he simply denies saying it or finds a way to blame you for not living up to his promises. ie: Because of your behaviour he isn’t going to “reward” you.

– Glorifies and falsifies achievements past and present to the point of being unbelievable, and expects to be recognized and praised for real and fabricated accomplishments. These are the people who will be in the news because they practiced medicine and a doctor and never went to med school. my ex went so far as to print up his own credentials.

– They are extremely sensitive to criticism, even the simplest complaint, such as taking their shoes off at the door is met with a barrage of all your faults and wrong doings, you end up defending yourself and he is ready to walk out the door.  If you confront him on his infidelity, porn addiction, disrespectful treatment etc he will become extremely defensive to the point of violence.

– Seems totally oblivious to others and the effect his actions have on the people around him, resulting in loss of jobs, being evicted, loss of friendships

– Very poor impulse control, acts without any thought to consequences and rarely learns from past experiences.

– The narcissist does not have a conscience which means he demonstrates an extreme lack of compassion and shows no sensitivity towards the problems of their partner.. They will purposely act grossly unsupportive and uncooperative of loved ones in times of need or illness. Yet they expect their partner to totally support and cater to their every whim.

– He brushes his indiscretions under the carpet; and expects his partner to accept the blame for making him do whatever he did. To the point that the problem is NOT that he was unfaithful, it was his partners fault for snooping and discovering it. (but you will be raked over the coals for your slightest indiscretion over and over again)

– Uses allies, real and imagined to back up claims and arguments. ie: the guys at work don’t know how he can tolerate the way you treat him, or they all think you are crazy etc they will tell people their life is hell because of their partner and love to play the victim, they are always the one being taken advantage of and all their ex’s were psycho.

– To them any relationship, life period, is a game of strategy to get what you want or to “win”, if you cry it is a ploy you are using to “pull one over on him”. Consequently he trusts no one because he knows he is lying and manipulating and just assumes so is everyone else. He will resort to any method to get what he wants. All those conversations you and he had in the beginning when you were sharing and getting to know each other? He was sharing seemingly intimate details of his life in order to get you to open up and now he is using the information he got to manipulate you, make you feel guilty or inferior. He has no scruples and will use any information no matter how intimate a hurtful it may be to you. He loves to make you feel flawed, inferior, and you should be thankful he even tolerates you. He feels he is superior to you or any other human that shows emotion, he does not feel he is flawed in any way because he doesn’t feel emotions, he sees emotion as a weakness and something to be exploited.

– Tends to be unreasonably jealous and possessive; going to great lengths to control the freedom of his partner. (to the point of sabotaging your vehicle, causing you to lose your job, controlling all the money) Again, he knows what he is doing behind your back and just assumes you must be also.

– The narcissist can be an extremely passionate and talented lover when trying to “win” his love interest or get them back after a break up but any other time it is all about him and with many of them they lose interest in sex all together. They actually hate intimacy so once they have hooked their prey sex becomes strictly a physical release and used as a tool to get what he wants. During a fight he is capable of sexually degrading name calling and ridiculing the sexual performance of their partner.

– The N will make unreasonable demands of their partner’s time and resources, demanding money, NOW, insisting you stay home knowing you have plans. If the victim doesn’t comply they will be punished in many ways. The narcissist has an arsenal of ways to punish their partner from stealing, destroying, or hiding their property, gives the silent treatment, physically intimidate or physically abuse the person.

– The narcissist rejects, threatens to leave or end relationship to keep partner in line and compliant, will later deny saying it and say you are too sensitive, misunderstood or provoked it.

– If he senses you are feeling insecure the narcissist will emotionally punish you by refusing to say I you back when you say it to him, refusing to hug or sleep with you. This also goes for times when the love partner is struggling with a loss, grief, or challenges. He will not tolerate not being your main focus and will do or say something to hurt or anger you to switch your attention back to them. Like a misbehaving child, negative attention is better than no attention

– He will often use unpredictable and unaccountable behavior to control and keep partner off-balance. ie: always late, will call to say he is on his way home and then not get home for hours or at all, not phoning or refusing to answer his phone, never home at the same time, not coming to bed, even something as simple as eating supper before he comes home knowing you’ll have supper ready. It eventually gets to the point where you stop planning anything because he finds a way of ruining it; usually by being late or just not showing up. You can count on nothing!! my ex’s favorite phrase when he would disappoint me was, “If you have no expectations you can’t be disappointed.”

– Creating powerlessness and helplessness in another person makes them feel superior and inflates their ego but once they succeed in making the person feel insecure they will criticize that person for being to needy.

– The narcissist refuses to apologize or when he does it is backwards apology where the person they hurt is somehow to blame for them hurting them .One of my ex’s favorites was, “I shouldn’t have let you get to me, I should have walked away instead of hitting you.” Or, “Its your own fault I hurt you, you kept taking me back.”

– Will create a situation where love partner needs them to “rescue” them, making them a hero of sorts and puts them in control. my ex would sabotage my vehicle, I would have to call him for help and he would make me wait hours and hours to get there. I noticed he was always in a very good mood when he had to rescue me, very supportive and “loving”, but later would complain to others. Whenever I said I was leaving him he’d say that I’d never find another man willing to constantly rescue me. (Funny, when he was out of my life for any length of time I didn’t need rescuing).

– They have illogical thought processes; ie: He wouldn’t let me use his computer because he said every time I did we fought. We fought because every time I used his computer I would find letters to other women, photos of other women, videos of us having sex that I didn’t know he’d taped, etc. One time we’d been getting along really well until he used my laptop and forgot to close his POF account, and email accounts and I discovered he’d been communicating with at least 10 women. His response was,”See? Every thing was fine until you snoop”. He refused to acknowledge that he was using my computer and denied he had a personal ad (until I threw photocopies of all his correspondence in his face) I found myself explaining to him why everything was NOT fine just because I didn’t know about it, what he was doing was wrong and totally disrespectful of me and my feelings. He thinks if he doesn’t get caught he hasn’t done anything wrong. Its not stealing if you don’t get caught.

– They “steal” bits of behaviour, ideas, tastes, opinions etc from someone they regard as an authority figure, usually a new acquaintance.

– Where ever they work they are the “star” employee, solving problems no one previous could, without them the company would fold or if he just got hired he is repairing all the mistakes the person before him made and the company is so thankful and lucky to have him. my ex worked 24/7, even when bosses told him not to but for all the hours he put in eventually the company would figure out he was not being productive and always cut corners and cheated when possible. They are not invested in what they do so they don’t pay attention to what they are doing. my ex would say he spent all night fixing my truck while I was asleep in bed. for one thing he wouldn’t start working on my truck until midnight, then he would have spent 2 hours looking for tools, 3 hours on the internet checking his email and looking at porn, an hour in the bathroom, built a fire, spent an hour on the phone, played his guitar for an hour and watched the fish tank for an hour. Every job my ex had he put in phenomenal hours and was eventually falsely accused of stealing. No “normal” person would put in the hours at work he did I wondered sometimes if he was afraid to take days off because someone might figure out he wasn’t doing anything when he worked overtime.

– They will flatter you, charm you and generally act like they “love” you if they think you have something they want or you can benefit them in some way.

– The partner of a narcissist is continually cleaning up after them, literally by picking up behind them, (because they are too special to pick up their own mess) my ex would put his garbage on my truck, it infuriated me. I asked him nicely many times to not put rotting food etc on my deck, it only seemed to encourage him, he NEVER did dishes even if I was sick with pneumonia for two weeks. I was forever picking his tools up off the driveway, putting his dirty clothes in the hamper. A lot of women complain that their partner doesn’t put away their stuff, but with my ex there would be dirty dishes and clothes in the yard, the car, the barn, at his work, the bathroom, every where! Also because of their inconsideration of others, lying, stealing and inability to adhere to rules their lives (and those involved with them) are in constant turmoil.(Evictions, loss of friendships, loss of jobs, run ins with the law and the list goes on and on)

– The narcissist will test your love and dedication to them by making outrageous demands that are impossible to fulfill, even if you want to please them. ie: my ex demanding I stay home from work to help him do something, but also demanding I pay him hundreds of dollars immediately.

– Because their whole life is a lie and fantasy when they meet a woman they change themselves to suit the woman, whatever the woman is into is what he is interested in, he will change his religious views, his taste in food, his interests, the way he dresses, right down to what liquor he drinks. While talking to me my ex mentioned how many hours he had put in at work, and said, “not exactly semi-retired”. He had never mentioned being semi-retired to me, in fact he was in no financial position to be semi-retired and had always been a workaholic. It all made sense when I found out his new woman was widowed and financially secure so had no need to work. my ex never, ever drank beer in the 10 years I knew him, but after I moved out he had cases of empty beer bottles.

– They exaggerate their importance when talking about family, work, life in general as if there is no one else in the picture. They give the impression they are bearing all the responsibility for their family or company and that they have to take responsibility for everything because their wife/coworkers are incompetent, uncooperative or in some way unfit. They ignore the contributions of others and complain that they get no help at all.

– They expect praise, compliments, deference and expressions of envy and gratitude, often! Constantly! Sincerity is not an issue, frequency and volume are.

– The narcissist will contradict himself, often in the same sentence. They will say something and literally 5 minutes later deny saying it and accuse you of being crazy.

– There is no reasoning with an N, I used to try to explain to my ex the consequences of his actions, why people respond negatively to his lying, cheating, stealing, even though he would nod his head and say “I hear ya” he’d turn around do it anyway. And he always seemed genuinely surprised when people were angry with him over something he’d done.

– They will attack you, spew venom at you, insult you, abuse you, threaten, possibly physically abuse you, say you are worthless, say they don’t love you and want you gone and as soon as they are done they expect an immediate restoration of status quo and are frustrated when you are hurt and crying and can’t just get over it.

– N’s will make a big deal about finding out what you want for your birthday or Christmas and then not get you anything or get you something he knows you don’t want, or he found somewhere.

– They hate to live alone and once you are living with them they will not leave unless they have another woman lined up and then they will drop you so fast your head is spinning.

– He will criticize your family and friends behind their backs, and try to cause problems between you and them, thus cutting you off from your support system and people who would confirm you are not the one who is crazy.

– The narcissist appears to be very resilient, bouncing back from relationships with insulting speed, whether it is a lost relationship, job or place to live the narcissist seems far less affected than anyone else; which he is. He easily adapts to new situations and new relationships because his whole world is make-believe and he values nothing. If he loses something he just assumes he will get one better down the road from someone else. He never really loves any one so he has nothing invested in the relationship and can move on without a backwards glance. Because he is a facade and a fake and because he in incapable of love he easily finds another partner. He morphs into the man of any woman’s dreams until he secures her. In fact he needs the continued challenge to keep his ego inflated.

– They exaggerate everything, and that is why they love the internet and the internet is so dangerous. They can present themselves as anything they want. Pictures of cars, homes etc are only pictures and no proof that he owns them. My ex used to go on trucking sites talking about just coming from a run on the ice highway and he didn’t even own a truck, it had repossessed! On a car forum he asked people to list all the vehicles they had ever had, he proceeded to list 51 vehicles while the other guys listed 6 or so cars. They have to exaggerate to the point of being so obvious people are laughing at them. On his Facebook he was so pleased when he figured out how to translate different languages and starting hitting on all these models from Greece, Russia etc. While talking to one of his old small town Sask class mates the class mate asked him if he was married and my ex said that he had “biblical knowledge” of 6 of the women on his friends list and then told the guy to check out the model from Greece, she was going to be the next Mrs xxxx. I was embarrassed for him and told him so, I told him he was making a fool and a laughing-stock out of himself and got off his friends list.

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105 thoughts on “Traits of a Narcissist

  1. Angel

    Thanks for your explanation about them.My ex and i got to know by texting as he got my number from his friend who does food delivery to my home. He did not tell me this until we were in relationship. He treated me like princess and introduced to his mother and family. He then manipulated me to acknowledge him in face book and we would upload dozens of our pics together even though i was reluctant at first. I told him everything about my then exes and he would torture me by mentioning about them and leave me crying most of the time. I am soft at heart like child i should say and forget the negative fast once he says sorry. He would never try to resolve any issue by reasoning but anger and would storm out of the room. He would then never talk and i will be crying again. He made me to delete all my male friends in face book and when i told him to do the same he wouldn’t as he says that one girl was very elder to him and have known her since their school days and if he deletes her then she would think bad of me for controlling her bf. He told me he had a gf before me and that she cheated on him that was the end of the story. 2 years down the line i got to know that he had 2 more gfs. When confronted he said he never met them as they met online and never had any intercourse physically unlike me and my exes. He again dragged my exes in it and made me look bad. From the time i got into this relationship, i would not even look at other guys though many tried to get close to me but i was always reserved. I also got to know that his virtual gfs used to send him money as one of his ex gf threatened him that she would tell me what a jerk he was and thats how those virtual gf came to light else i wouldn’t know. I never blocked anyone in fb but i saw that he went into my fb and blocked his exes maybe in fear that they might reveal something about him. 4 years into relationship, i can’t ask any questions and if i did he would blame me for not trusting him and break stuffs and would try to drink phenol and go to kitchen to set his hair on fire, maybe he is trying to threaten me or suppress me, he even threw laptop and it hurt my arm. If i don’t ask any question he would go at lengths trying to explain what it is and he would pollute my mind with new ideas which i can’t even imagine. Sometimes he would blame me for something that i couldn’t imagine have thought. He assumes what i think and believes what his mind tells him and won’t listen to my words. He believes in his assumptions more than my words, he won’t live up to his words or promises. Leaving him was always on my mind but wasn’t able to do it as he is emotionally not stable and might commit suicide as i saw the scar he tried to cut in his previous relationship and also i loved him. He then went abroad for work and i stayed here to study. After one year of long distance relationship, one day all of a sudden he said he has no feeling for me anymore and that he wants to end it. I had mixed feeling of relief and also shocked and i asked for the reason and he said just like that i asked if there is another girl and he said no girl in picture. Later got to know that he is in a relationship with a local gal who he met from dating website since 9 months before our break up. I moved on easily and was going great with my studies when he came back crying and begging me to take him back. I love him but i see no future with him at all. I told him i couldn’t trust him and without trust a relationship won’t work. I went through a lot, guess it was in my bad Karma to meet such a guy and also my bad Karma ran out so i got rid of him by himself.
    So this was the end of relationship though he said he have always loved me and will always always love me no matter what. but i don’t trust these words either.
    If anyone has read my story, Thanks for reading 🙂

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  2. Brokewoman

    I was so shocked by your post. My narcissidt husband has drove me crazy to the point I think of him and just cry, and literally choke. His menipulsation, gaslighting and hot and cold ways and arrogant bully ways have taken a toll on my health. Once he bashed my laptop. He said cause I threw his tablet. I was even in the room. His tablet was laying in perfect shape beside him when I came in the room and saw he bashed my laptop.

    He was mad because I decided to insult him back and walk out like he does.

    Every time he insults me and treat me cold and I do it back he says I am went like him, equally. It took years of his abuse before I decided to stand up for myself.

    For example monday –Thursday he calls me on lunch break he makes promises to court me and stop ignoring me for hours but no one else. Then Friday come he will insults me knowing I won’t stand for it, and as soon as I go sit on porch to calm down after his insults, he dips out the other door. He does this just to leave and possibly cheat

    Today I told him I was coming back from doc appointment. He lied to me when he said he was to busy to go. I didn’t complain but when he didn’t meet me at door to even see if I have bags knowing I am disables from backs and the steps are rough for me. Yet he always meet his friends at door and outside as they come. I told him it is not cool to watch me carry big bags and never come out to meet me at the car
    He says “cause u r s liar and is mean” which is not true. He knows I don’t like insults and not fighting fair. I told he got one more time just come out insulting me and I’m sroasting from him I can’t take it anymore. He does this to deflect his neglect of me and not of his friends.
    I sat on porch to think and when I came in I saw him packing up his stuff. He already had ready to go.
    He insulted me just to leave. He even saw me standing out front with a neighbor and drove off.

    N people also don’t like u doing aything wrong to them back. He says I can’t go out at night to karaoke but yet he leaves out back door when ever he feels like it and dont answer cell phone.

    He says it’s not right if I talk to men in a cadual conversation but he actually flirts with women in my face like touch flirts and grand jokes…etc and comforting and doing things for them.

    He cheated on me and never wanted to talk about it but I cheated back cause I knee he was still seeing her and only stopped cause she left him and got married to his boss.

    Yet he calls me a hoe. He cheated on me with 3 women and lies and says he didnt. I know he did cause the one woman starred calling his parents and got sick of their number being used and said something. He denied it. One girl actually confessed to me while he stood their. He didn’t deny it there but at home alone he did.

    I came to him and told him I don’t like being married and seeing other people. I only am cause he do and don’t see me.
    He agreed to start over and treat me better. Guess what, 9 weeks of hot and cold from him and insult and excuses as to why he don’t date me and we don’t have sex. I made all the moved for years I said he should now. 9 weeks later he hasn’t and he keeps walking out on me and stonewalling me.
    So now I’m done for real.

    I realize he denied cheating and lied about wanting to be together cause he wanted my money to invest in a check home and furniture. Now that it’s done he is cold leaving insulting, saying if I leave I’m not getting anything.
    N will use you and throw you away like your trash.

    You are only there to feed their ego and to be used in some way to improve their lives they do not care about doing the same and wont.

    And if u complain they will plan to leave u once they get the big thing they want from you

    I am currently getting counseling this month because of so much abuse from my husband.

    His physical abuse I use to believe was bad with twice being near death now I know the mental is worse. I haven’t left cause my daughter love’s her life where he lived and her teams she on.

    So I have decided to move out of the same room as him and just avoid him at all cost and keep a strict record or any of his abuse and take it to my counselor.

    I will be getting a separate place in the same neighborhood so daughter can go back and forth between homes. Once she is at college in 3 years I am filing and leaving the state and getting far from him with never any communication again.

    I pray for everyone dealing with an N. I have 4 healthy problems as a result of stress, inclung high blood pressure

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  3. Angel

    Hi Dear i felt sad to read your story and recommend to keep your daughter away from him as much as you can. Getting away from their grip is a huge step towards happiness. Just for one day It was hard for me to accept the fact that he left me for another girl, then i thought from a Buddhist Philosophical point of view. According to Buddhist, human’s consciousness never dies even after the body die. We are like visitors on this planet, like we change clothes every day, we change our body on every birth. So, his behavior has been habituated not only from this life but he has been like this for many many births before this life. Therefore some child will be very compassionate and some very mean. We know bad habits like smoking formed in this life is hard to go away then how can we expect his many lives of unhealthy and filthy mind go away in short span of time. So i feel it unfair to blame a person for being himself, its our mistake to not to the ugly sides of the sugar coated exterior. He has always been like this and will remain like this for the rest of his life unless he really put some effort to do some mind training. This way of thinking made me move on very easily and also pity him for his life as his real self will be unwanted by everyone on this planet. I hope and pray that such people embark on a journey to train their mind and become an acceptable human being.
    I hope you recover from the emotional bruises he left.
    “Pain is certain, suffering is optional”- The Buddha
    Its the way you think.
    Take care always, my best regards,
    Angel

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  4. Angel

    Check this out, there are series of videos from Quinn and he describes exactly how they are. hope you get more insight on them and how to cope up with the emotional injury Hope it helps <3.

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    1. bravegirl

      I got chills listening to him talk because it so spot on, at least in the flip-flop of ENVYING and wanting to DESTROY the things they claim to LOVE about you. It’s gotten to where I can’t show an interest in anything because he will seeming unknowingly be indifferent on face (because he’s already done everything) then start doing the same thing secretly. He will berate my ideas or mostly ignore them and then be like “FINE, THEN DO IT YOUR WAY” which means me doing the work. If I just back down an LET HIM “WIN” it’s really not a win at all because he will sabotage whatever it is… there is no winning, even for him it seems.

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  5. Laquata

    I’m in tears right now…everything you wrote have touched my heart….I been married for 15 years….an he have tried to destroy me emotionally….he made me feel like I was going crazy at all time….I think what hurt the most of all….he been keeping me in this place of stress….an disappointed. ..for years….the truth will set you free, an hurt you at the same time…God help me

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Laquata, welcome to my site. It is heartbreaking when you first find out what you are dealing with but at least now you know the truth and can start to heal. Knowledge is power and we are all here to be a support. Keep reading and keep commenting. We are here to help.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  6. ASHLEY

    WOW, that might have been the single best narrative of how they operate that I have ever read or experienced, and I have seen and experienced a lot.

    I only disagree on one point, or should I say, my experiences have been different on one point. That is, I found they are very hesitant to invoke police or authority figures in too serious a manner because as you mentioned, they themselves fear prison and have infinite skeletons in the closet.

    So I was surprised about the NPD that called the police after beating up the husband and cheating with the wife. I was also surprised that he had such good fighting skills as they usually are under skilled in virtually everything and easily frightened.

    And who would want a wife back after what she did as well? You have truly presented a great synopsis of the main picture. There are many ways to deal with them if a person really wants too.

    The conventional approaches such as raging back and abandoning them are effective but can be turbocharged by abandoning them when things are good and for no reason and yelling at them when they do something GOOD. I know that sounds crazy but they don’t even know what good is.

    And you will know it is an NPD if they accept your faulty logic when you punish them for no reason. They follow the tone and authority of your command, not the meaning or quality of your words, and not the value our outcome of your actions. As such they are similar to the most incompetent of dogs and it is a never ending beginning when dealing with them.

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  7. Jenni

    Not all articles on narcissists are that relatable, but yours was exactly what it is like. My narcissist is a bit different because he hasnt cheated …yet. He is getting older and knows it so he is afraid of being rejected(and a bit lazy), but I have no doubt he would, if given the chance. His fear of rejection and that he really just stays quiet and out of trouble, means a woman would need to approach him, and somehow, with me here, more women have shown interest… Like curiosity because I am 15 years younger, they wanna know what hes got. He is a widower which sucked me right in, oh poor thing took care of his wife until she died, but I now believe God showed her mercy. He cheated on her and wont admit it…his grown daughter told me that his wife had her watch a video of him getting into a car at a restaurant with another woman. He tells me that his wife had loaned money to someone without asking so he was mad and went SKYDIVING with another woman but nothing happened. SKYDIVING. A once in a lifetime thing most of the time and he didnt take his wife, he went with some new random girl. It would have killed me. Most recently, he almost killed me the other night in what wound up being his most violently cold rage yet. All because I had been asking him for days to take a package to ship for me, and 3 times that day. I noticed he didnt take him and confronted him in front of his brother thinking he would have to be human, and he was not. He sajd he asked me to make him a sandwich for lunch and i couldnt even do that, and that I do NOTHING for him. He had specifically told me NOT to make a sandwich for him that day because he had been complaining about being broke and how he didnt even have money to eat that day. Which kills me, he goes out to eat with his brother when he is at work, but has maybe taken me out 2 times. Our first date was with our daughters who were 5 at the time to McDonald’s. But he ended up letting me cry alone all night, well in between his random appearances into whichever room I was attempting to hide in, and while he is there he mighy as well look around and see all the things he can figure out to say I should have done, put me down, call me a moron(which my hand went up and touches his face for that, big mistake because now I am ABUSING HIM, i “hit ” him he says and he acted like he was calling the cops, for what i wanted to be a slap but stopped myself and it made no mark or noise) he got tired of me begging the Lord to take me out of here and take me home, tired of my crying and telling him I want to die, he was sooooomad and annoyed that he decided he would help me. Wasnt that helpful of him. He toom a pillow and put it over my face and strattled over top if me pinning me with his elbows. I have a really bad sinus congestion right now, and had been hyperventalating from crying, but I fought and screamed to no avail. I almost gave up. I dont think he knew that it wasnt going to take long because I was so short of breath. I didnt see my life flashing before my eyes because I dont feel like this world I am trapped in is my life anymore, but I was too busy screaming and being in shock that he seemed to actually be going through with this. And I fought and tried so hard to breath. Then he just quit. I will never trust him. I am so scared. I came into this relationship a broken woman and he promised to treat me like I should have been treated by other men who weren’t “real men”. I felt safe and protected. I soon became his scapegoat for anything and everything and he never defends me, now he knows he can mess with people because they will think it is me…noone could ever accuse HIM he is perfect. Everyone says ” hes such a great guy, what a good simple man.” they dont know him like I do. They think he is an american patriot, i know he is more like an american horror story.

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  8. Jenni

    Oh, i wanted to add that mine does dishes on occassion and vacuums. At first I thought, how sweet of him to help…boy was i wrong. He does it so that when he hurts me in sick twisted ways he can say “you know you dont do anything to help me ever! I had to do the dishes today!” when i am crying so hard i cant walk because of him…he pushed me to the ground and told me to pack my shit and leave and then he proceded to have his daughters birthday celebration upstairs and scorned me for not being there. “It was sad,i had to sing happy birthday to her all alone”. Then he let her take the entire sheet cake to her moms with her, my favorite and my daughters favorite and we didnt get a slice”. He says so innocently ” how was i going to say no on her birthday, it was her cake.” any other day he would have told her that her mom would have a cake for her at her house, and because you will be back in the MORNING, you should leave that giant cake here so we can enjoy it together. Jerk. And the next week on my birthday i got nothing. He said he didnt have time. He had all the time he ever would have needed.

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    1. bravegirl

      Mine does feverish tidying sometimes when I’m mad at him, typically cursing or he’ll injure himself as if I am asking him to clean (not the topic of the argument preceding the FAKE cleaning anyhow) and thus indirectly caused him physical injury. The whole damn thing can escalate honestly into a full blown breakup where I end up APOLOGIZING! Yep for having the NERVE to be upset at anything he says or does, and to teach me a LESSON about the consequences of having any FEELINGS at all. If I cry out of exhaustion he will cry BS and its like WTF just happened?! He has been treating me like crap all day and for hours and days, so the whole cleaning thing was to destroy me. Do they know what they are doing? I’d say yes, they would say it in certain simple terms as well unless you are STILL valuable in some way. Mine wants me to be REACTING to him and any time I DO NOT REACT is a GIFT from him or a transgression against him depending on if he’s feeling glass half full or half empty. Either way I get sucked into praising his effort and then beating myself up for being a jerk. I’m no doormat so there is some clever twisting going on. It’s a migraine buster trying to figure it out.

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