Traits of a Narcissist

Statistics show that there are more men than women with narcissism but women cause just as much pain, devastation, and humiliation as the men and take just as much pleasure in destroying any one close to them. I refer to the N as “him” but these traits apply to women also.

SHUSSSSH

– Upon meeting new people the narcissist presents an image of being friendly, confident, reasonable, humorous, they usually are attractive or have sex appeal and intelligent. Whether it is a friendship, romantic relationship or a business deal the narcissist is on his best behavior until he is sure he has you hooked, then slowly the mask will start to slip and his true colors will show. The following traits are of the narcissist exposed, you will not see them until you are in deep, often times too deep to easily extricate yourself.

– People that know them find it very hard to believe the way he treats his family behind closed doors. At home he/she is withdrawn, arrogant, unavailable, and can treat their partner and children with loathing, resentment and self-righteousness. (JC had cried to me for years about the son he had never met, he finally met him and his son came to live with us. After a month or so my ex turned critical, angry, intolerant, and violent towards his son. He came home late after work, sometimes he didn’t come home at all, he ended up punching his son, calling him a selfish pig and telling him to get out and never come back because the boy ate his doughnut. We could be out in public and have so much fun, he would be loving and I would be looking forward to it continuing when we got home; but as soon as we got home he would disappear into his shop, pick a fight on the way home, or go on the computer)

– It is impossible to not fight with a narcissist; the simplest of requests such as “please take your boots off in the house” will turn into a major fight with you defending yourself. I never felt my ex and I were “on the same team”, seemingly obvious choices that would benefit us as a couple would be dismissed for whatever my ex felt would benefit him at the time, or to prove to me that he wasn’t about to do anything I thought was a good idea. He wasn’t afraid of being responsible for making bad choices because he would just blame me anyway and alter the course of events to suit his agenda and if all else failed he would just deny, deny, deny.

– Passive aggressive retaliations-ie: something special to you gets broken or disappears; he will purposely make you late for an event you are looking forward to. My ex “accidentally” dumped antifreeze all over ALL my photos, dumped the gold flakes out of a small vial I got while in Disneyland with my son, took or destroyed almost every memento I had. He even took my son’s baby teeth and a small charm given to me when he was born, and tried to blame it on his son. Destroying or taking you property as “punishment” is very common, you may not even know you angered the narcissist.  A situation that would have normally sent him into a rage doesn’t and months later you discover a favorite lamp is broken, or a memento is missing.

– When he meets new people he feels could be of benefit to him he acts the same as he does with a new “love ” interest. He instantly takes on their interests, their beliefs and values, suddenly he is quoting them like they are experts on any topic, he will lavish them with gifts, all they have to do is mention they need something and he is dropping it off to them, but not without a price, he plans on getting payback later and if he doesn’t he will find all kinds of fault with them and discard them as useless just like he does with the woman in his life.

-They will find a way of being the center of attention and if they aren’t they will leave. Whenever we were any where or if people came over to our house he would always be late (even when we were the hosts), he would just up and leave without saying anything to anyone, or injure himself. One time we had people (that he had invited) for dinner, we were having dessert and drinks by the fire outside and he disappeared, then we heard his Harley start and he drove off. Many of them are hypochondriac and are always complaining of some ailment or will injure themselves to get attention. Every time my ex and I fought I knew he would injure himself somehow, after I mentioned it too him then my truck started breaking down every time we fought. When he got with his new woman he had to go away for work, I figured he wouldn’t go and was surprised when he actually left for work, but I was not the least bit surprised when he ended up injuring himself and having to come home.

– They are extremely abusive verbally if not physically and those wounds take longer to heal if they ever do completely. The abuse starts with verbal assaults out of the blue. In the beginning you think he is the most even-tempered guy you have ever met, you never fight and he never loses his temper. But out of the blue he will totally lose it over some insignificant thing or perceived slight by you. If  you challenge his honesty or catch him in a lie, he will be indignant that you could believe such a thing of him and you end up apologizing because he is so angry.

– Many narcissists have a tendency toward violent and even criminal behavior. They will be the “bad” cop, the dirty lawyer, the white-collar crime executive, the employee that steal from the company, the petty pick pocket. They will steal from their own grandmother.

– Narcissist’s hate authority and boundaries and will do things just because he isn’t supposed to, the only thing that keeps most of them from breaking the law too severely is the fear of going to jail. They hate authority so much and need ns so badly that jail is one thing they fear the most.Seeing as they have no respect for a person’s boundaries they often end up pissing people off and getting into confrontations. From my experience when he was confronted by a man who was pissed at him, my ex usually didn’t respond violently or even verbally but would act as if nothing was happening at all. I have witnessed a big Harley riding dude threatening him, screaming and hovering over him because he owed the guy’s boss money and my ex just kept working on the motorcycle he was tinkering with and didn’t say a word. When he did feel the need to get even with someone he plotted passive aggressive retaliation. With me also most of his aggression was in the form of destroying something of value to me. That is not to say they won’t or don’t get physically violent, as time went on the physical abuse escalated in severity and frequency. From pushing, to choking to punching me in the head and physically preventing me from leaving.

– For someone who comes across as so personable and sensitive they will come up with some totally inappropriate comment. That is because they have no real feelings, no conscience or empathy. They study people so they can imitate appropriate reactions to situations, if they do not have a reaction “on file” they will exit the situation or may “wing” their reaction and miss the mark.

– To the outside world they present an image of a happy-go-lucky kinda guy but at home my ex would brood for days and refuse to tell me what the problem was. He would build a fire and stare into it for hours on end, or go in his shop and stay in there all night. If someone dropped by he would be friendly and happy but the minute they left he was sullen again. He seemed so unhappy yet would say it had nothing to do with me and he wasn’t sad. Eventually he would blow up and once he spewed all over me he would be happier again and act like nothing happened and be frustrated and angry if I didn’t immediately get over it.

– They don’t feel guilty about anything, they feel justified to screw around, steal, lie, and cheat to them you are only guilty if you get caught and can’t lie your way out of it. He was telling other women he loved them and sleeping with them when he was out-of-town and he knew I would be upset so he would lie. To him a lie was as good as the truth as long as you believed him. If you questioned him on it he was angry with you for causing conflict by not believing his transparent lies. I ruined things by looking on the computer and finding evidence of his infidelity; I was supposed to just be happy that he called to say he loved me and missed me and not care that he was with another woman at the time. His excuse for screwing around was I could have a different guy every night of the week. I had said, “maybe I could, but that is the key word, I “could” but I don’t because I love you. You should be proud that other men want me but I am faithful to you.”

– If their lips are moving they are lying. Narcissists are pathological liars, you probably have no idea all the lies he’s told you or about you. They will lie to you about things that you did together. They will misquote you to yourself. If you disagree with them, they will say you are lying, or crazy. (If you have been with them any amount of time you are probably starting to believe they might be right) They lie about EVERYTHING, even stuff they don’t have to lie about. There were lies he told me that I believed for the whole 10 years we were together and didn’t find out the truth until after we had split and I made an innocent statement to his sister who informed me he had been lying.

– After the initial “hooking you” idealization stage when they are wooing you with their generosity by taking you for dinners, buying you gifts and flowers they become downright stingy, buying things for themselves and ignoring your birthday, anniversaries, Christmas and Valentines. They will give you Valentine chocolates they bought on sale Feb 18th and eat 1/2 of them before presenting them to you as if they have done something wonderful. They will tell you that you do not deserve gifts because you haven’t earned them and tell you what they would have gotten you if you behaved better.

– If they are constantly starting fights about your spending habits it is more than likely a smoke screen they are using to hide their own spending from you.

– Narcissistic people usually have weird sexual hangups or addictions and rarely are they faithful. They have secret crushes, affairs, use pornography, have “Cyber” affairs, and generally are always on the prowl for the rush of new love. They are known for going after married people because it is a bigger ego boost to take someone away from their partner. They will entice their new victim with professions of undying and unconditional love and once they leave their husband or wife will discard them without a backwards glance with no thought to how they just destroyed a family. He will create his fantasy self on the internet and wants every woman to want and love him, whether they can truly ever be together is of little consequence to him, he lives in a fantasy world anyway. He gets the ultimate Narcissistic supply if he can get another man’s wife or girlfriend. JC bragged to me one time about how before he met me he had been outside washing his car when a pretty woman walked past taking her kids to school. When she was walking home he started up a conversation with her and before school let out he had her in bed. She was married and when her husband found out he came over to my ex’s. My ex beat him up and then charged him with assault and the guy was put in jail. My ex and this woman partied and screwed the whole time her husband was in jail. As soon as the guy got out of jail he would go to my ex’s looking for his wife. My ex would beat him up and then charge the guy with assault. He was laughing and was surprised when I thought it was disgusting and not the least bit funny. He had told me how devastated he had been when he found out a girl he loved was with another man and I reminded him of that, I thought he understood, but he’s been with a married woman just recently so obviously not!

– Often has one or several women on the hook should the present relationship end, also having two women in love with him keeps the narcissistic supply coming. I used to think my ex purposely let me find out he was pursuing other women just to make me jealous, it fed his ego to know I was hurt over the fact he wanted someone else. He especially enjoys triangulation, pitting two or more women against each other., both of them blaming the other when in fact they should both be angry with the narcissist.

– He has no problem promising anything to get a desired reaction or something he wants, he simply denies saying it or finds a way to blame you for not living up to his promises. ie: Because of your behaviour he isn’t going to “reward” you.

– Glorifies and falsifies achievements past and present to the point of being unbelievable, and expects to be recognized and praised for real and fabricated accomplishments. These are the people who will be in the news because they practiced medicine and a doctor and never went to med school. my ex went so far as to print up his own credentials.

– They are extremely sensitive to criticism, even the simplest complaint, such as taking their shoes off at the door is met with a barrage of all your faults and wrong doings, you end up defending yourself and he is ready to walk out the door.  If you confront him on his infidelity, porn addiction, disrespectful treatment etc he will become extremely defensive to the point of violence.

– Seems totally oblivious to others and the effect his actions have on the people around him, resulting in loss of jobs, being evicted, loss of friendships

– Very poor impulse control, acts without any thought to consequences and rarely learns from past experiences.

– The narcissist does not have a conscience which means he demonstrates an extreme lack of compassion and shows no sensitivity towards the problems of their partner.. They will purposely act grossly unsupportive and uncooperative of loved ones in times of need or illness. Yet they expect their partner to totally support and cater to their every whim.

– He brushes his indiscretions under the carpet; and expects his partner to accept the blame for making him do whatever he did. To the point that the problem is NOT that he was unfaithful, it was his partners fault for snooping and discovering it. (but you will be raked over the coals for your slightest indiscretion over and over again)

– Uses allies, real and imagined to back up claims and arguments. ie: the guys at work don’t know how he can tolerate the way you treat him, or they all think you are crazy etc they will tell people their life is hell because of their partner and love to play the victim, they are always the one being taken advantage of and all their ex’s were psycho.

– To them any relationship, life period, is a game of strategy to get what you want or to “win”, if you cry it is a ploy you are using to “pull one over on him”. Consequently he trusts no one because he knows he is lying and manipulating and just assumes so is everyone else. He will resort to any method to get what he wants. All those conversations you and he had in the beginning when you were sharing and getting to know each other? He was sharing seemingly intimate details of his life in order to get you to open up and now he is using the information he got to manipulate you, make you feel guilty or inferior. He has no scruples and will use any information no matter how intimate a hurtful it may be to you. He loves to make you feel flawed, inferior, and you should be thankful he even tolerates you. He feels he is superior to you or any other human that shows emotion, he does not feel he is flawed in any way because he doesn’t feel emotions, he sees emotion as a weakness and something to be exploited.

– Tends to be unreasonably jealous and possessive; going to great lengths to control the freedom of his partner. (to the point of sabotaging your vehicle, causing you to lose your job, controlling all the money) Again, he knows what he is doing behind your back and just assumes you must be also.

– The narcissist can be an extremely passionate and talented lover when trying to “win” his love interest or get them back after a break up but any other time it is all about him and with many of them they lose interest in sex all together. They actually hate intimacy so once they have hooked their prey sex becomes strictly a physical release and used as a tool to get what he wants. During a fight he is capable of sexually degrading name calling and ridiculing the sexual performance of their partner.

– The N will make unreasonable demands of their partner’s time and resources, demanding money, NOW, insisting you stay home knowing you have plans. If the victim doesn’t comply they will be punished in many ways. The narcissist has an arsenal of ways to punish their partner from stealing, destroying, or hiding their property, gives the silent treatment, physically intimidate or physically abuse the person.

– The narcissist rejects, threatens to leave or end relationship to keep partner in line and compliant, will later deny saying it and say you are too sensitive, misunderstood or provoked it.

– If he senses you are feeling insecure the narcissist will emotionally punish you by refusing to say I you back when you say it to him, refusing to hug or sleep with you. This also goes for times when the love partner is struggling with a loss, grief, or challenges. He will not tolerate not being your main focus and will do or say something to hurt or anger you to switch your attention back to them. Like a misbehaving child, negative attention is better than no attention

– He will often use unpredictable and unaccountable behavior to control and keep partner off-balance. ie: always late, will call to say he is on his way home and then not get home for hours or at all, not phoning or refusing to answer his phone, never home at the same time, not coming to bed, even something as simple as eating supper before he comes home knowing you’ll have supper ready. It eventually gets to the point where you stop planning anything because he finds a way of ruining it; usually by being late or just not showing up. You can count on nothing!! my ex’s favorite phrase when he would disappoint me was, “If you have no expectations you can’t be disappointed.”

– Creating powerlessness and helplessness in another person makes them feel superior and inflates their ego but once they succeed in making the person feel insecure they will criticize that person for being to needy.

– The narcissist refuses to apologize or when he does it is backwards apology where the person they hurt is somehow to blame for them hurting them .One of my ex’s favorites was, “I shouldn’t have let you get to me, I should have walked away instead of hitting you.” Or, “Its your own fault I hurt you, you kept taking me back.”

– Will create a situation where love partner needs them to “rescue” them, making them a hero of sorts and puts them in control. my ex would sabotage my vehicle, I would have to call him for help and he would make me wait hours and hours to get there. I noticed he was always in a very good mood when he had to rescue me, very supportive and “loving”, but later would complain to others. Whenever I said I was leaving him he’d say that I’d never find another man willing to constantly rescue me. (Funny, when he was out of my life for any length of time I didn’t need rescuing).

– They have illogical thought processes; ie: He wouldn’t let me use his computer because he said every time I did we fought. We fought because every time I used his computer I would find letters to other women, photos of other women, videos of us having sex that I didn’t know he’d taped, etc. One time we’d been getting along really well until he used my laptop and forgot to close his POF account, and email accounts and I discovered he’d been communicating with at least 10 women. His response was,”See? Every thing was fine until you snoop”. He refused to acknowledge that he was using my computer and denied he had a personal ad (until I threw photocopies of all his correspondence in his face) I found myself explaining to him why everything was NOT fine just because I didn’t know about it, what he was doing was wrong and totally disrespectful of me and my feelings. He thinks if he doesn’t get caught he hasn’t done anything wrong. Its not stealing if you don’t get caught.

– They “steal” bits of behaviour, ideas, tastes, opinions etc from someone they regard as an authority figure, usually a new acquaintance.

– Where ever they work they are the “star” employee, solving problems no one previous could, without them the company would fold or if he just got hired he is repairing all the mistakes the person before him made and the company is so thankful and lucky to have him. my ex worked 24/7, even when bosses told him not to but for all the hours he put in eventually the company would figure out he was not being productive and always cut corners and cheated when possible. They are not invested in what they do so they don’t pay attention to what they are doing. my ex would say he spent all night fixing my truck while I was asleep in bed. for one thing he wouldn’t start working on my truck until midnight, then he would have spent 2 hours looking for tools, 3 hours on the internet checking his email and looking at porn, an hour in the bathroom, built a fire, spent an hour on the phone, played his guitar for an hour and watched the fish tank for an hour. Every job my ex had he put in phenomenal hours and was eventually falsely accused of stealing. No “normal” person would put in the hours at work he did I wondered sometimes if he was afraid to take days off because someone might figure out he wasn’t doing anything when he worked overtime.

– They will flatter you, charm you and generally act like they “love” you if they think you have something they want or you can benefit them in some way.

– The partner of a narcissist is continually cleaning up after them, literally by picking up behind them, (because they are too special to pick up their own mess) my ex would put his garbage on my truck, it infuriated me. I asked him nicely many times to not put rotting food etc on my deck, it only seemed to encourage him, he NEVER did dishes even if I was sick with pneumonia for two weeks. I was forever picking his tools up off the driveway, putting his dirty clothes in the hamper. A lot of women complain that their partner doesn’t put away their stuff, but with my ex there would be dirty dishes and clothes in the yard, the car, the barn, at his work, the bathroom, every where! Also because of their inconsideration of others, lying, stealing and inability to adhere to rules their lives (and those involved with them) are in constant turmoil.(Evictions, loss of friendships, loss of jobs, run ins with the law and the list goes on and on)

– The narcissist will test your love and dedication to them by making outrageous demands that are impossible to fulfill, even if you want to please them. ie: my ex demanding I stay home from work to help him do something, but also demanding I pay him hundreds of dollars immediately.

– Because their whole life is a lie and fantasy when they meet a woman they change themselves to suit the woman, whatever the woman is into is what he is interested in, he will change his religious views, his taste in food, his interests, the way he dresses, right down to what liquor he drinks. While talking to me my ex mentioned how many hours he had put in at work, and said, “not exactly semi-retired”. He had never mentioned being semi-retired to me, in fact he was in no financial position to be semi-retired and had always been a workaholic. It all made sense when I found out his new woman was widowed and financially secure so had no need to work. my ex never, ever drank beer in the 10 years I knew him, but after I moved out he had cases of empty beer bottles.

– They exaggerate their importance when talking about family, work, life in general as if there is no one else in the picture. They give the impression they are bearing all the responsibility for their family or company and that they have to take responsibility for everything because their wife/coworkers are incompetent, uncooperative or in some way unfit. They ignore the contributions of others and complain that they get no help at all.

– They expect praise, compliments, deference and expressions of envy and gratitude, often! Constantly! Sincerity is not an issue, frequency and volume are.

– The narcissist will contradict himself, often in the same sentence. They will say something and literally 5 minutes later deny saying it and accuse you of being crazy.

– There is no reasoning with an N, I used to try to explain to my ex the consequences of his actions, why people respond negatively to his lying, cheating, stealing, even though he would nod his head and say “I hear ya” he’d turn around do it anyway. And he always seemed genuinely surprised when people were angry with him over something he’d done.

– They will attack you, spew venom at you, insult you, abuse you, threaten, possibly physically abuse you, say you are worthless, say they don’t love you and want you gone and as soon as they are done they expect an immediate restoration of status quo and are frustrated when you are hurt and crying and can’t just get over it.

– N’s will make a big deal about finding out what you want for your birthday or Christmas and then not get you anything or get you something he knows you don’t want, or he found somewhere.

– They hate to live alone and once you are living with them they will not leave unless they have another woman lined up and then they will drop you so fast your head is spinning.

– He will criticize your family and friends behind their backs, and try to cause problems between you and them, thus cutting you off from your support system and people who would confirm you are not the one who is crazy.

– The narcissist appears to be very resilient, bouncing back from relationships with insulting speed, whether it is a lost relationship, job or place to live the narcissist seems far less affected than anyone else; which he is. He easily adapts to new situations and new relationships because his whole world is make-believe and he values nothing. If he loses something he just assumes he will get one better down the road from someone else. He never really loves any one so he has nothing invested in the relationship and can move on without a backwards glance. Because he is a facade and a fake and because he in incapable of love he easily finds another partner. He morphs into the man of any woman’s dreams until he secures her. In fact he needs the continued challenge to keep his ego inflated.

– They exaggerate everything, and that is why they love the internet and the internet is so dangerous. They can present themselves as anything they want. Pictures of cars, homes etc are only pictures and no proof that he owns them. My ex used to go on trucking sites talking about just coming from a run on the ice highway and he didn’t even own a truck, it had repossessed! On a car forum he asked people to list all the vehicles they had ever had, he proceeded to list 51 vehicles while the other guys listed 6 or so cars. They have to exaggerate to the point of being so obvious people are laughing at them. On his Facebook he was so pleased when he figured out how to translate different languages and starting hitting on all these models from Greece, Russia etc. While talking to one of his old small town Sask class mates the class mate asked him if he was married and my ex said that he had “biblical knowledge” of 6 of the women on his friends list and then told the guy to check out the model from Greece, she was going to be the next Mrs xxxx. I was embarrassed for him and told him so, I told him he was making a fool and a laughing-stock out of himself and got off his friends list.

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121 Replies to “Traits of a Narcissist”

  1. This should be a class in school – how to recognize and escape a N. Great examples, made my stomach turn upside down when I read your written comments that have been said to me.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words I did a 10 year personal study on N’s lol

      I was into it a couple of years before I figured out what it was I was dealing with and I found it amazing how similar they are.

      When I first started researching about narcissism I didn’t even know it existed but once I started reading it was as if the people had been a fly on my wall.

      I am hoping I can help even one person escape before the N gets them firmly wrapped up in his web of lies and abuse and before they lose as much as I did.

      I agree, it should be taught in school, it is so insidious and deadly.

      Thank you, for commenting I needed the encouragement today!

      Carrie

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    1. It is sad, and narcissists are all so much alike it’s scary. When I first started researching them I couldn’t believe how many women had the same experience. I still can’t figure out how he got such control over me.

      I am so happy you got away.

      Thanks for stopping by I’m glad you found something of interest to you in my blog.

      I look forward to seeing you again

      Have a great day.
      Carrie

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      1. When I first found this blog, I was shocked at how accurate it was to the Narcissist I know. I didn’t know his abuse was a actual thing and I didn’t know how to talk about it. Everybody just thinks he’s such a nice man. Make me sick! He’s just a big FAKE!!!

        When I first moved in with him, he acted so frustrated when I needed a place to put my clothes. He took all of his clothes (even old tee shirts that he never wears and he’ll never fit into again) and hung them in the closet, taking up all the space, leaving only the dresser drawers for my things, including my nice dresses. I have since put some of my clothes in the closet but he smashes my clothes back into the farthest corner to make more space for him!

        He thinks he is so much more special and important than anyone else. His EGO is gigantic and inflated, I only wish his big, block head wasn’t too big to fit into the toilet to flush.

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    1. Isn’t it amazing how similar they all are? For so long I thought I was going crazy then I started looking on the net and reading up on narcissist’s and psychopaths and realized I wasn’t alone.
      I had no idea people like that actually existed but once you’ve met one you sure can recognize the signs.

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  2. Everything written above describes my “N”. I endured everything you did and more. I thank GOD it’s over. I finally grew stronger and left. His sister’s was very supportive of his evil ways, He was raised by one of his sister’s, from my interaction with her, I truly believe she is one too. She blamed me for everything.

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    1. I find it amazing that everyone keeps his secret. My ex’s family (except for one sister) all think “he’ll be different with the new woman”. I don’t know how they can play along and allow another woman to get sucked into his web of deceit and abuse.

      My ex owes his stepdad $20,000 and is now living with a widow with money and the stepdad said to me, “Maybe now I’ll get my money.”

      I said, “you know she’ll be the one paying it”.

      He said, “I don’t care as long as I get my money.”

      The one sister has tried to tell them what he’s like and they won’t listen. His very christian mom actually lies for him and was talking to a woman he was involved with when he was living with me and talking to me praising him and telling me how much he loves me knowing full well he’s been with the other woman.

      I used to lie for him too though; protect him from the repercussions of his actions.

      I am still surprised how many women say, that described my “N” exactly! What other group in society are that predictable and have so many of the same traits and behaviors?

      I am glad you are out of that hell and doing well. Thanks for dropping in and commenting.

      Take care Carrie

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  3. Thank you so much Carrie! We have 2 children together. He does not take care of them financially and does not spend time with them, however, he will call to give them an excuse. He called my phone 2 days ago, I always allow the kids to answer because I do not want to hear his voice at all. My 8 year old daughter said that he told her, he is sorry that he has not come to see them but he does not have gas money. We live 30 minutes away. Yesterday he posted on face book that he was “on the way to Florida to spend time with his best friend, his sister.” She lives 12 hours away. She posted photo’s this morning of he and her at a country club, but remember he did not have gas money. He has been calling my phone non-stop because when he is around other’s he likes to appear that he keeps in touch with our kids. This time I did not answer, and I will not answer until I know he is back in Georgia. I will no longer help him look good, and he talks negatively behind my back, I would only be helping him to make what he says look true.

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    1. Thank you for stopping by and commenting W2W I’m glad you found something useful here.

      It is amazing how they sucker people into protecting their lies. I used to defend JC, even when I knew he was lying I’d make excuses for him. They don’t appreciate it and they certainly wouldn’t do it for you.

      It’s hard when you have kids; you don’t want the kids to be hurt but when he’s trying to make it sound like he’s so hard done by and he’s off having fun its hard to know what to do. I always think the truth is the only way to go. At 8 years old your daughter probably has an idea. Its sad. With any other person I would say a lousy dad is better than no dad but with a narcissist I don’t feel that way. I think they are so unhealthy and do so much damage no contact is best. My ex had his son come live with us and at first he had the kid believing I was such a bitch and I covered a lot for my ex but his son saw the real JC soon enough. They will always lie about their ex it doesn’t matter what we do; we will always be the psycho ex.

      The only thing I can say is; the less contact with you and the kids the better off you and the kids will be.

      I feel sorry you have children with him that is the one thing I’ve always been thankful about. At least we didn’t have kids and I never have to deal with him again.

      Good luck
      Hugs to you
      Carrie
      Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.

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      1. I agree. He could do serious psychological damage to the kids growing up with him and his sick abuse. I would seriously limit the time he spends around your children. You never know what real damage a Narcissist can do until it’s too late. The N’s daughter can never be good enough, she’s an over-achiever but always struggling for her dad’s love and approval but he’s too busy loving and pleasing himself. His son is an under-achiever who also seeks his father’s love but never living up to the ideal, he remains an overly sensitive alcoholic. Typical children of a Narcissist and the neglect and abuse they’ve endured from their self-absorbed father.

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  4. Helpful details for identification. I was just busy blogging on how narcissistic personality disorder got taken out of the DSM, the diagnostic manual for mental health professionals–and, lo and behold!–it’s back in. Just can’t do away with those narcissists, I guess. I’m glad you’re rid of your awful ride with one.

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    1. Oh, great! I was so disgusted when they took it out. I think they were trying to just lump NPD together with ASPD, and they can and do overlap, but there is a difference. One really nutty thing that my mother and sister have done (which is typical NPD) is to fake illness when you are sick. It’s pathetic. It can range from you just feeling run down with a cold, to having a cancer scare– they can top it! Both are NPD, but my mum was a psychopath as well.

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  5. What about kinky or scary sexual behaviors and ideas? He was always trying to get me to do things I did not want to do and even raped and sodomized me all the years we were together. He even said in a house full of his family including children to his brother while I was sitting right there, ” when I want sex I take it, its her duty” .

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    1. lay an abuse case for rape against him, document it all. especially what he said to others. even if he cant pay damages it goes on his record.

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  6. The first sign of a narcissist. ALL their exes are “crazy”. Secondly a narcissist always lives on past glories. A narcissist will not think twice to tell a partner about all the bad things that have happened in their lives. A “normal” person would be a bit circumspect or better still the bad things in a person’s life will have been dealt with. Narcissists (like my ex) are usually great in bed. Once the relationship is over you may realise that they always held a little bit back, no matter how much carnage was caused in bed. A narcissist won’t think twice before involving their kids in their unethical behaviour.(my ex had introduced the woman that he was cheating on me with to his daughter, the child that I was helping him look after. This has explained why said daughter’s behaviour towards me was definitely bad to the point of semi abuse. Why would she respect the woman who her father did not want?).
    My ex narcissist has a pattern of behaviour that is quite traceable. Overworked mother, absent father who was coddled by his mother. Grandmother (said mother of coddled father) who mistreated and treated ex unfairly compared to her own children when grandson(my ex) went to live with grandparents.
    My narcissistic ex thought enough to be with his two eldest children’s mother for eighteen years. He did not marry her though because of some transgression she made at the age of THIRTEEN, years before he hooked up with her. However he took on her two children. So I’m wondering if narcissists only take up with people who they think are beneath them, but they rarely have partners that match up to the status that they think they should be at.
    My ex always wanted anal sex. I didn’t and better still my body didn’t. I’m glad that I did not force my self to do something that I was not ready for.
    Narcissists come on strong and have charisma to kill. If you are easily manipulated they will drive you crazy. If you are a person who still believes in principle and are in tune with you partner, even when they think they have you fooled, then you have a much better chance of dumping them before they dump you. My ex disengaged emotionally, accused me of having a “low mind” when I asked him if he had another woman, went to the other side of London to rendezvous with the other woman when he was going to the “pool hall”. He introduced her to family members who knew me, whilst still with me ( before the relationship became bad). Obviously he was using my love for his daughter as a mask for his bad behaviour. He thought that I would not be capable of kicking them both out. The same behaviour that his children exhibit he would blame on their mother, when it obviously comes from him.
    Don’t expect a narcissist to say sorry. When a narcissist wants to remain friends, refuse. Mine has already cheated on his new woman with me. This was when we broke up and he had actually convinced me that he and his daughter were moving 100 miles away to live with extended family. I thought “okay, one for the road”. It was only when I phoned him two weeks later and a woman picked up his phone that I knew. Everything clicked into place. Needless to say he was full nerve and she made it clear that she knew about me all along. She needed a father for her daughter! She homewrecked in order to “save” her previously wrecked home.
    This is the first time that i have never taken pleasure in somebody’s delusion(pertaining to cheating exes). The new lady is deluded. She’s already up on face book complaining about “men and their mood swings”. My ex likes women his own age who have kids. I have a child, but she is not a kid. She did not need a “daddy”. I didn’t need rescuing, either. I think that is where he gets his kicks from. “rescuing” women and making them feel that they have to be everlasting grateful for it too. Furthermore, narcissists are plagiarists and will mimic the vibes and countenance of most people that they come into contact with. They are great at appearing to talk with “depth”. They can’t take even the remotest constructive criticism and lack good old fashioned “passion.”
    It’s good to self analyse and be very honest with oneself when going over the coals of a failed relationship with a narcissist. What is it about you that attracted him to you? Were you in a weak place when you met him? Are you a “caregiver” and does this blind you to YOUR wants in a relationship? This is not to take any blame away from the narcissist, but remember, they are in more pain than you, the escapee will ever be in, because narcissists are not really into self responsibility. They live in a world of resentment, pain and momentary gain.(their ability to self sabotage knows no bounds).

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    1. Petra, thank you for your contribution! You know a narcissist well. Everything you said about them I have found to be true. My ex could present himself to be very knowledgeable about most anything, uusually they are very intelligent people, able to fake expertise in many areas. They have to be fairly intelligent to carry off whatever character they want to portray. And yes it is usually a caregiver type personality that gets hooked up either them. It is not that caregivers are N magnets, a narcissist will try to get any woman he finds attractive, usually every second woman he meets, every woman is a potential target if she isn’t interested he will lay it on pretty thick, try to be whst’s she is looking for but he is always on the look out for another target and eventually he will find a woman wjos he can manipulate. He comes on as the strong rescuer in the beginning, even wearing down women who don’t want to be rescued. I know when I met my ex I actually thought he was more in love with me than I was with him and I actually choose to let a man take care of me for a change. Haha That changed in no time but I was too far impossible by that time to get out; he:d managed to make me so dependent on him by sabotage my job, my vehicle and destroying my support system.

      The thing with N’s is that they are so good at impersonating a person with a heart often times the victim is tangled in the web before they realize it. The best advice I can give for avoiding getting tangled up with an N is not to give in together too quickly.

      Do you really think they are in pain? I always knew he sabotage himself, for someone so intelligent he could be really stupid. Stealing from jobs and friends, leaving clues around so that I would discover he was on dating sites or seeing another woman, he’d tell stupid lies and then get caught in them. I tried for a while to explain why people got upset by his actions because he seemed genuinely surprised when people would get angry with him. It was like raising a misbehaving 3 year old that refused to learn. Who gets falsely accused of stealing from every job they have and doesn’t learn to stop it!! He had one job for almost a year and I thought he had learned his lesson, but I think he got bored and had to do something for excitement.

      He always seemed so unhappy after we were together for awhile; after the glow and excitement of new love wore off; but is it because they just don’t have a soul and so are empty of any real deep feelings? I used to ask him whst’s was wrong, whwhat was he thinking or feeling and he would say nothing and I tend to believe him. If he wasn’t constantly stimulated with porn, drama, trauma, conflict etc he felt nothing. That’s why they can’t really love because true love doesn’t need conflict true live is safe, secure, it is intangible. He needs constant proof that he is loved and normal acts of love get boring so he has to find another source. I have found with my ex he was attracted to much younger or older women , I guess because young women are easier to impress and make feel inferior because he is “older and wiser” and older women are happy to get a younger man. He is with a widow his own age now but she always was a housewife so it was perfect for him. She was set financially and wanting a husband to take care of. She got more than she bargained for.

      Anyway I am rambling, thanks again for your insight.
      Carrie

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  7. How do you leave a N? I need advice bad, I have been caught up in his web for over 3 years.. What scares me the most is we both work at the same place, and a very good possibility to run into each other, maybe not everyday, but at least twice a week. I’m wanting out bad, I would like for him to just leave me.. Any advice on how do I get out of this relationship. He is not physically abusive just mentally.. I have got to leave for my sanity.. Thanks

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    1. Ann sorry for the slow response I don`t know how I missed you”re comment
      Working together will make it almost impossible I don`t have a clue how a person would break up with a narcissist and stay in contact at all
      Is there anyway you can transfer to another department or get a different job? I know that seems totally unfair and it is, it’s just that if they don’t want to break up they will try anything to get you back and they can be dangerous when they are faced with losing their supply. The other scenerio is he will immediately get another woman and torture you with flaunting her and their amazing relationship in your face. Either way they will do all they can to make you pay for leaving them. Even when they say they want you to leave they make you pay.

      I would suggest to anyone wanting to leave a narcissist that they move while he is gone to work or away for a few days and not tell him in advance. I don’t know how many times I asked, begged, told, demanded my ex leave my house and he just refused. He would say he was going to move out but it would never happen. I even put his stuff outside but that night when I got home from work he’d be in the driveway or he’d injure himself or my vehicle would “break down”.
      Good luck
      Carrie

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  8. Wow! This is all so familiar. They are so manipulative and skilled in what they do and it seems like it just flows naturally. I have cut off most communication between my ex and our children because he consistently blames me for him not seeing the children but I have been the only one paying for plane tickets for the past three years. He has made me out to be this horrible person to his family and friends.

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  9. excellent post, petra. i was feeling down today and reading your post let me remember the horrible mental and physical abuse and disrespect i allowed my narc soon to be ex do to me. was feeling lonely because i live with my parents ( narc kicked me out) jobless, moneyless, etc. they are truly vile people and when “raking the coal;” of the relationship I see how I was swept away so easily and discarded once he had sucked me dry. better off without him, had i stayed i would be in jail or dead. seriously.

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    1. Julie,
      I left my NPD, but Ii did it with no money and no job and so I am living with my parents as well. It is hard. They are good people, but there are circumstances about the situation that make it really hard for me. It’s not an ideal situation and can really feed into my depression. You are right though- it’s still better than putting up with the hell my ex put me through. I question myself constantly, but I do know that I didn’t imagine all of the things he said and did…and now I don’t have to be on edge waiting for his b.s. So there is that:)

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      1. Hi everyone,
        Today is the day that I realized that I am in a relationship with a narcissist and have been for 6 years. I feel like my world has just crumbled beneath me. I am in total shock. I cannot Ibelieve that I have let this happen, not only to myself, but to my beautiful children. I knew for years that something wasn’t quite right but thought it was my issues and my problems. Not even his cheating was enough to make me see, I believed him when he denied it, every time. I guess in just realising this I am in denial, I cannot comprehend how someone could knowingly treat me like this and how I couldn’t see it, I was blinded by what? Love? The need to be needed? I am hurting so deep right now and I don’t know where to go from here. I see the stories of leaving and no contact by we have children, is this going to haunt me for the rest of my life?

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        1. Rachel, so sorry you are going through this also, welcome to our site, come as often as you need and vent as much as you need to; we’ve all been there ance all understand.

          You have just taken the first step in a long journey but there is life after a narcissist so don’t give up hope. I have been apart from my ex 2 years and he still tries to make my life hell but he doesn’t have the power over me that he used to and I bounce back quickly. It is not easy to leave a narcissist/psychopath, if they discard you they won’t waste a second getting a new woman like you never existed but if they aren’t ready for you to leave they will Di and say anything to get you to stay. They will make promises to change, admit to all their mistakes and mistreatment of you , cry, beg, but know thst’s they don’t mean a word of it and if you stay the abuse gets worse.
          I have written a Page on leaving the Narcissist you might want to read. It is very important that you plan your departure well and secretly. They can become very violent when they feel they are losing control of us
          Domestic homicides usually happen when the victim says its over. Make sure you erase your history on the computer, you may not know it but he is snooping and spying on you. Start keeping a journal; hide it well; and majesty note of his behaviour, lies, etc that way he can’t twist things and make you doubt yourself and later it will come in handy if the police have to get involved and in court.

          I won’t go into it all here, there is alot of information in the pages at the top of the blog and many posts.

          You will go through many stages probably before you leave; it is very hard to come to the realization that they have no soul; they will never change and they are in capable

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        2. Rachel, so sorry you are going through this also, welcome to our site, come as often as you need and vent as much as you need to; we’ve all been there ance all understand.

          You have just taken the first step in a long journey but there is life after a narcissist so don’t give up hope. I have been apart from my ex 2 years and he still tries to make my life hell but he doesn’t have the power over me that he used to and I bounce back quickly. It is not easy to leave a narcissist/psychopath, if they discard you they won’t waste a second getting a new woman like you never existed but if they aren’t ready for you to leave they will Di and say anything to get you to stay. They will make promises to change, admit to all their mistakes and mistreatment of you , cry, beg, but know thst’s they don’t mean a word of it and if you stay the abuse gets worse.
          I have written a Page on leaving the Narcissist you might want to read. It is very important that you plan your departure well and secretly. They can become very violent when they feel they are losing control of us
          Domestic homicides usually happen when the victim says its over. Make sure you erase your history on the computer, you may not know it but he is snooping and spying on you. Start keeping a journal; hide it well; and make note of his behaviour, lies, etc that way he can’t twist things and make you doubt yourself and later it will come in handy if the police have to get involved and in court.

          I won’t go into it all here, there is alot of information in the pages at the top of the blog and many posts.

          You will go through many stages probably before you leave; it is very hard to come to the realization that they have no soul; they will never change and they are incapable of love.

          Don’t beat yourself up, they target women who are loving, giving, trusting, intelligent and attractive any thing less wouldn’t give them enough of an ego boost. They are master manipulators and award winning actors. Every woman has felt as you do but after talking to women in here you will see that you are in very good company. women who get duped by these men are far from stupid, they fell in love with a facade and his manipulation and emotional abuse was so subtle you didn’t see it coming until you were in too deep to see clearly. Keeping you off balance, doubting yourself and on an emotional roller coaster is how they control you. It is all about control. The abuse will get worse and if you leave and go back they make you pay for your stupidity to believe their lies. There is no winning with a narcissist. He will eventually leave you; they all do, it might be a get months or 20 years but eventually they discard you like yesterdays garbage. If you can leave before the discard stage you will save yourself alot of heart ache; ask any one in here.

          Good luck Rachel!!
          We are here if you need us. Knowledge is power; learn as much about them as possible and keep your cards close to your chest.
          Hugs
          Carrie

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    2. This blog works great as a reminder when I start to forget what a horrible person the Narcissist I know is. It is so true that he does not care what happens to you so long as he gets what he wants and after that you’re useless to him. That is hard for me to accept sometimes thinking he must feel guilty at some point for what he does to people- but he doesn’t! And I don’t think he ever will. Narcissists are void of any compassion or empathy and really do destroy lives.

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  10. this is my mom, I knew something wasn’t right my whole life, but I didn’t realize how bad it was until my dad died — he would block her abuse toward me and take it on himself — and after his death she was free to come after me. Three years of living with it, and in June I sent my last reply to her by email and decided on no further contact with her. So much damage and so much taken away. No one gets it, even my brother believes her lies and uses them against me, and she degraded my social circle to where I was almost completely isolated — even by people she claims to hate. I’m so angry right now, I am having trouble figuring out who I am, and the stress has taken a toll on my body; but I am thankful for my husband and children, and the people who have made the decision to walk beside me.

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