Red Flags

images (1)red flagsLooking back I can see many red flags that I ignored very early in the relationship. If I were to see them again I would run to the highest hill wearing a clove of garlic, carrying a wooden stake and waving a cross.

I don’t know if these would be for all nacissists, feel free to add your own red flags.

1. Both our staff Christmas parties were on the same night and we agreed to have dinner at mine and party at his. We only went to his. Translation : You don’t matter, it is all about me.

2. Really quite early in the relationship he asked to borrow money to buy a car he said he could flip and make money on. I refused. He didn’t get angry but did borrow a little bit of money later and paid me back.
Translation : I paid you back so you will trust me later when I ask for alot of money and have no intention of paying you back because its all about my needs, get used to it.

3. He didn’t have a house in Sechelt and when I mentioned that he had said he did he said I must have misunderstood, he HAD been renting a house there before he met me.
Translation : I lie about even insignificant things but will never admit it and blame you by saying you misunderstood me.

4. He started calling me “babe/baby” on the 2nd date. Then I overheard him on the phone call someone babe. I asked him about it and he said he hadn’t realized he said it, he had been talking to his sister
Translation : I call every woman “babe” because I have numerous women on the hook and this way I never call them by the wrong name.

5. All his exs were psycho bitches and that is why he had nothing. Translation : I drive women insane.

6. He talked me into buying a used car from a friend of his because he said my car was unsafe and he was worried about me. Apparently the guy owed him $500 and I was to give JC the $500 and the guy the rest. Now I seriously doubt the guy owed JC any money.
Translation : no matter what happens to him you will be expected to bail him out after all ….

Come on you know what comes next …..
After all…..
That’s right! Its all about him!
Very good class! You’re picking this up quite quickly!

7. He put fancy wheels and tires and a honking big stereo in my car. I didn’t want him to and told him what if we break up then I will owe for them and he insisted he would never take them back. I heard about those frickin wheels and tires for the whole next 2yrs until I sold the car and paid him for them.
Translation : He wants to look like a good guy but is really cheap, he had the wheels and tires just sitting there. He figures he’ll get brownie points and its something to hang over your head later when he wants to borrow money.

8. He was fired twice in the first 4 months. Of course he had a good excuse both times.
Translation : I can’t keep a job to save my life, that’s why its so important you get used to lending me money and that you owe me for being so nice to you in the beginning.

9. Someone beat him up bad. Some misunderstanding about money he owed them.
Translation : My life is one crisis after another, people are always angry with me and you are going to have to pick up the pieces for me because; after all……its all about me

10. He called me often and dropped by my work.
Translation : I am insecure, jealous and controlling. Once I have you I will control every where you go who you see and when you do it. But you will never know where I am or when I am going to be home. You are supposed to be waiting for me at all times because………fill in the blanks.

11. Even though I told him I wanted to just stay home and not see him that night he would call me and pressure me into meeting for dinner or something.
Translation: I can’t stand being alone, I need a constant supply of NS. Besides I don’t know what you are doing if you aren’t with me.

12. He said he loved me after only a couple of weeks. But I was feeling it too so it didn’t concern me.
Translation : lets speed this thing up I feel my mask slipping and don’t think I can keep up this charade much longer.

13. I was perfect. Even when I said I can’t keep up the late nights, the long commute, and doing all the cooking, cleaning etc. He would say, don’t be so hard on yourself, I love you just the way you are. I never felt he heard me.
Translation : I love you until you get tired of catering to me so don’t ever change by getting tired, sick, angry, or have any problems because it’s all about me not you so don’t expect sympathy: I don’t care what is happening in your life unless it affects me then I’ll get angry because your so demanding.

14. If I got upset about anything he would take me to bed and hold
me while I talked, we would end up making love and I would feel better but nothing ever got resolved.
Translation : I had to get your mind off whatever was bothering you and back onto me.

15. He wanted me to pay his cell phone bill because most of the calls were to me. I told him to quit calling me so much and I had my own bills to pay.
Translation : This is a trick question, we’ve already covered this topic in questions 2,6,7, and 8. and the number one answer is just because its all about him and you love him so much you will do anything to keep him happy.

16. He doesn’t want you to meet his ex because he is trying to protect you from her. She is such a psycho bitch he doesn’t know what she will say or do and he loves you so much he doesn’t want you to get hurt.
Translation : I am afraid she will tell you the truth about me and then you will be on to me and I won’t get away with all the shit I pull and blaming you.

That’s all the early red flags I could think of but if you have some red flags that you dismissed in the beginning please feel free to add them in the comments.

 

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255 Replies to “Red Flags”

  1. Carrie,

    I researched for months, until the wee hours of the morning, looking for answers. Validation, if you will. I felt like there was something wrong with me. N, made me second guess everything—he got to a place inside me, I’ve never let anyone close to. (Not even a marriage of 17 years).

    Your blog could have been written by me. I didn’t experience the physical battery, but he conned me into having a child, then abandoned us “we’ll be a family;” everything was 90% exactly as you describe.

    Thank you for sharing your story. It has helped me in ways I cannot even begin to articulate. When I miss him, I come back here and read. It’s become therapy for me. The hardest part for me has been acceptance. Acknowledging that there is nothing I could have done, can do, and the N is not the man he portrayed himself to be because He never existed.

    I strongly disagree with the old adage “It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.” No, I was content searching for that man.

    I will never “get over” this. I will learn strategies to cope, drown myself in literature on the topic (to better understand) and be ever watchful of the red flags in the future.

    …thank you for empowering me, reminding me of who I was before him and that I’m recovering from a disease… narcissistic supply.

    Forever grateful,
    Brittany

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    1. awww britney, I am so glad I have been some help to you and you find strength by coming here. You WILL find happiness again and a new and better you will rise from the ashes. Stronger more confident and a lot wiser. Just think about what you have survived! only a strong woman could get through that and still be standing!! If you can survive a narcissist, you can survive anything.
      You are more than welcome, you made my day!
      Big hugs
      Carrie

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  2. 1. Saying something critical or offensive and claiming it’s a joke (you can’t get angry ot mad, otherwise you can’t take a joke)
    2. Talking about marriage/kids very early in the relationship
    3. You setting up a boundary and they tresspassing it. I told him I wanted to take things slow, that i didn’t want to meet his family just yet, but he kept insisted ubtil I relented.
    4. Pity plays. I asked him about his last relationship and it was all the ex’s fault; he was taken for granted and she was a psycho. They don’t mention what they learned about their last relationship, because they did nothing wrong in their eyes.
    5. Pushing for sexual intimacy. This one is very important, they will get frustrated if you say no, because it’s one of their weapons.
    6. Constant texting, calling. It’s flattery like you’ve never experienced before; they do thing men normally would not do (write poems, declare undying love, tell you you’re perfect etc)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. These are really good! I had #4 and #5. He called me “babe” and “baby” so much that after a while, I forgot my own name (but in hindsight it was for the reason you said, not a term of endearment). He also always used to say how domineering and bossy his crazy exes are–basically warning me that if I ever questioned anything he did, I’d be thrown into that same category. So I ended up often biting my tongue, because I didn’t want to be another psycho ex. Ironically now I really AM in that crazy ex category (sure he’s telling his new girlfriend/lover how crazy I was) but could care less and am not sure why I was so afraid of it!

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  4. what I’m about to tell you I need to say is fiction and you’ll understand why when you read he first line. Please don’t judge me, I am here because I need
    out of this relationship with my N. I know right from wrong so please don’t tell I should be doing the tings Id been doing. I’m needing change. That’s why I am here.

    my N was stealing copper wire along train tracks
    with his buddies for a few years. One by one this group as I expected would happen, get busted. and it ended up just my N and a long time friend of his left. Both these guys were handsome. The three of us cruised around together. We had fun. Long time friend much older than my N. I loved going out to the desert on road trips so I was easy to trick into believing that the two dudes together just were gonna walk up the road here and they be back in hour. and this went on a few times. My red Flag went up big time when once long time friend stayed back in the truck with me, and just my N went which I though was weird but whatever. My N comes back without and wire. I start paying better attention now. There’s always a housing track close by we pass or some farm or some other type residence. so we aren’t completely out in middle of no where. I really think these guys are both my friends. I wouldn’t imagine them ever thinking they need to lie and drag me along bullshitting me about getting wire when they were communicating with chicks off craigslist and backpage ads. They were going and banging them. and they dumb enough to come back empty handed. I honestly couldn’t help spilling my guts about it and they both deny it. tell me I have a wild imagination. They blow me off. From professionals to come up empty every time guys is how they paint themselves. Long time friend moves away. two years pass. And lately my N travels with just me. He spots wire and drives around it for awhile. and on a few occasions he has left me sitting in the truck and hour or two. and still comes back with nothing. I mean really? this is a joke right? well I purposely went with him again on another night and sat watching him walk up a road, jump a fence and disappear into a scary old factory boarded up next to railroad tracks. I waited ten minutes and walked up to same fence with my dog and looked through fence. I don’t see or hear anything. suddenly a vehicle turns onto the street and drives my direction so I just walk my dog casually back down the same road and the vehicle passes. The vehicle turns around at the dead end and lights shine on old factory while they turning around. they come back and turn onto the main road and that was that. I’m in my vehicle now and have to Pee. So I decide to find a restaurant like Denny’s or a fast food open late close by and use the rest room. So I leave. I’m gone ten minutes and come back and park near same spot. and 20 minutes later a guy walking his dog spots me sittin in my vehicle. I wonder if he is going to watch me and call cops. so after ten minutes more I slowly drive away and turn onto the main road. I’m driving and I see my N walking and it appears he came from the trailer park way the hell down the main road. he says he came back and I was gone. and he was looking for me. I believe him sorta and apologize for leaving. I tell him I’m not wasting anymore gas just to sit alone while he pokes around empty factories. Then same place a week later but this time I drive around the business park to where I can park and walk up to fencing on side of the old factory and look around. I listen and hear nothing. I notice an older green camary also parked in this semi empty lot. There’s people working in one area of the Business Park but both my vehicle and this Toyota are away from the rest of the cars parked in business park. It was kinda odd. So I take a walk with my dog along the tracks and go up along the side of factory from the railroad track side. It’s eerie I do hear something but cant place where its coming from. I sit with my dog 30 but and go back to parking lot. Green Toyota camary is still there. I take a picture of it. About that time my N appears and tells me to pull vehicle by fence and he disappears again for 15 minutes and comes back with wire and throws it in my vehicle and we leave. Six months later we are visiting a friend and another friend (a couple actually) we friendly with just moved on the property too. They invite us in. Well, guess who has a green Camry? The chick. I swear it’s same car. I ask my other friend that I was orig there to see how long chick has had his ride. 7 months I’m told. I keep it to myself til we leave and bring it up. Of course I’m told I’m tripping. And funny but computer that picture on suddenly won’t start. And someones changed the Admin password. That’s my computer. My personal Mac desk top computer.. Who would do that? Funny but Chick is computer geek and knows about Mac’s too. I have always suspected them of getting together because I met her when my N in jail. she is from same area he is from. she knows everyone. He knows everyone. She sells dope. He a bag ho. He is always working on his truck and she loves to work on cars she says. She’s a pretty kewl person, fun to talk to. she becomes my friend. When my N get’s out of jail we had planned on a two day trip to Vegas for my N’s birthday ( his birthdays are always big deals-and usually on mine he is in jail or rehab. One time I got a gift after that I got roses he picked from someones garden. but anyway i take my N over to this couples storage where I was to meet her for something. Now, he claims he doesn’t know this couple that everyone knows. so I watch the interaction after I do the intros. They hit it off ( the three of them) but as I’m watching he subject of Vegas and birthdays come up. It’s her birthday the following week and she’s never been. My N invites them on my dime to go with us. Later in the car I question him about asking people we don’t know that well to go on a trip i myself can barely afford. He says he thought it would just be fun to ask another couple to come along. Next day we go to their pad and it’s evening time. chicks boyfriend mentions that chick was two hours late picking him up from work because she ran out of gas on a certain road and it just so happened that I was traveling in both direction on same road at that time and I never saw her on side of road. And funny to because my N wasn’t anywhere to be found and we had had plans to meet up and he was a no show. Funny too that the sober living house he choose to go to was way the hell at far end of town near their storage and her moms house which he couple a week later move into and out of place we at this night. I learn that my N could have stayed at sober living near my house and walked over each day and not have me drive 20 to 25 minutes to other side of town. It gets even better to in that my N was now acting very odd. chick was kicking it at my house a few times a week.. She friends me on face book and she puts down all the same places I worked as her places she worked too. She even liked my likes. it was kinda odd but oh well. One night, my N is at his sober living place. Chick stops by my house and end up staying all night. We talked about our dudes, our ex’s, our kids our pets etc…..and I gave her a bunch of clothes and stuff. we had fun with wigs and she left with one on. I love wigs and think they are so good with changing up a persons entire look. I own about 400 wigs seriously. The next time hr and I together I was mad at my N and she talked with me about it. The weird thing was she talked about my N like she knew him. She even told me things she shouldn’t know about him. then changed it and said she had a friend like my N so she knew what I was going through. when my N relapsed and went out to desert to rehab. Chick came by and was suppose to get me some party materials. her and boyfriend always broke. he kinda works but she doesn’t she only sells party materials and so she always usually has some. well she sits with me awhile and we talk. she gets texts and is preoccupied and after an hour she splits to go get my stuff with my 80 bucks. she will be right back she says. She doesn’t return. i cant find her and of course I cal the jail and hospitals looking for her. she isn’t there. That’s good. But her boyfriend cant find her either. Six days later my N calls me saying he will be on bus for home and should be home around 9. Well, at 730 he texts me from he says a passengers phone that he just got in. he took a different bus. I pick him up and drive him to where he was living. I was with him when he left for rehab and Id driven him out to desert. So I know how the place was left when we drove away. When we arrived at his place it just wasn’t like we had left it. He opened his door and it confirmed it for me because there were juice containers in trash and I had emptied the trash before locking everything up getting in the car. And is clothes locker was moved 2 feet and there was a new light in it to light up what he kept in there. How could he do that if he were really out in desert? He denied these things saying that’s how it was when he left. The real deal sealer was I needed to know if she was his friend or my friend. So I put GPS on my N truck and guess what? she told him about it

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    1. Misskiss, this is all so far out of anything I can relate to. What kind of advice are you looking for? Everything you have said leaves me thinking one thing, “Why are you still with this guy? this isn’t ordinary abuse, it’s illegal, it’s convoluted, and to be totally honest “F’d up”. I don’t know what to say. The illegal stuff alone is enough for me to bail, and the whole thing with this other woman has me confused, the rehab, the factory, cars, green camary’s, who cares? It is ALL so dysfunctional, I am not sure he is a narcissist, you are a narcissist or if this is some joke. But I would recommend you get clean and thank your lucky stars you haven’t been arrested yet. Or if you like the life style, go for it but I don’t think you have the right blog if that is the case.
      I would love to help you but your whole lifestyle is the problem, not just the man.

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  5. My red flag? Two people close to him recently committed suicide. Neither of them had a connection to each other but both had a connection to him. One was a recently ex-girlfriend but he would only refer to her as “my friend that I used to date”… I think his games got to her and she literally thought she was going crazy!

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  6. If it’s a woman, they have very few, if any, female friends.
    They act like they have no life without you.
    They try too hard to show you what a ‘good wife’ they would be.
    Watch closely how they handle disappointment.
    Watch what they find humorous. If it’s a bit Schadenfreuden, especially about friends, they may harbor narcissistic tendencies.
    If you feel like they’re introducing you to their family and friends like an accessory in their lives, like a new car, be wary.
    They seem to have to be in on any conversation you have with their family members, hovering.
    Very low impulse control, which can be confused for spontaneity.
    Hypersensitivity to criticism, yet critical about others.
    For that matter, they are hypocritical.
    In my experience I’ve found them to operate on the emotional level of an adolescent. They’re emotionally immature.

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