Tag Archives: acceptance

Lowering Your Standards Does Not Raise Your Self Worth

When we “settle” for less than we deserve, whether we realize it or not; our self-worth suffers.

When we met the narcissist we thought he was a high quality person, someone with principles and high standards, someone in line with our high standards and morals. As we got to know him better we started to witness things that hinted he was not as moral as he pretends to be. A questionable business deal, a friendship destroyed by some disloyalty of his, accusations of wrong doing. You might not be able to identify anything specific but your gut is telling you something is off.

You don’t want to falsely accuse him so you don’t confront him at first or if you do, you are careful to not sound accusatory.

With my ex it was when a neighbor offered to let him buy a motorcycle really cheap because it wasn’t running. My ex didn’t have the $400 so the guy said he could pay over time but the bike would stay with him until it was paid for.

My ex immediately started checking Craigslist for Swap/Trade Ads and found one where a guy wanted to trade a BWM for a motorcycle.

He called the guy and was talking like he had just been out for a ride on the bike and had owned it for a couple of years. He told the guy he would bring the bike down and come look at the car.

He went to the owner of the bike and begged to take the bike home so he could work on it so it would be running when he had it paid for. The owner said OK but he was keeping the registration.

My ex had the bike in his shop less than an hour and had it running. He loaded it on his flat deck and drove out of the park we lived in.

When the owner of the bike got home from work all the neighbors told him my ex had left the park with his bike on the truck. He was furious and I didn’t blame him, I was furious. He couldn’t trade something he hadn’t paid for.

My ex came home with the BMW but the owner of the car wouldn’t give him the registration until he got the registration for the bike.

I was pissed! Now what was he going to do? I knew it!! A person should never lie, it always bites you in the ass. But he was not the least bit concerned. He told me to mind my own business, this is how people do business all the time. I had to let it go but it drove me crazy with worry. What were the neighbors thinking? I was such an honest person.

After a week of the two guys calling him constantly wanting the reggie or money he took the wheels off the BMW and sold them for $400, paid for the bike, got the registration and took it to the owner of the BMW.

He bought the bike owner a bottle of wine and everyone was happy.

I thought maybe I was wrong.

There were other questionable deals and he always told me to shut up and mind my own business, I didn’t know anything about wheeling and dealing. People were always getting upset with him, he was accused of stealing but somehow he always avoided being charged with anything.

I thought perhaps I was being too black and white and maybe there were grey areas of the law. I knew I had always been inflexible when it came to breaking the law, drugs, fidelity.

The more I compromised the more he pushed the boundaries. Life with him was a constant contradiction, praising the Lord one day and stealing the next. Being charitable and kind to others and selfish and mean with me.

He would be so sweet butter would melt in his mouth in front of the neighbors but then every time I walked out of the house by myself the neighbors would come running to complain about how inconsiderate he was. I told them to speak to him directly because I had no control over what he did. I had tried to explain why the neighbors were upset about him working in his shop at 2 am, but it seemed the more I tried to explain the more he did it. He enjoyed pissing people off, yet would try to smooth things over and it always worked.

It was as if he was trying to force me down to his level. At times he used my good reputation to his advantage. People would tend to believe he must be telling the truth because an honest person like me wouldn’t be with someone who wasn’t honest and I always staunchly defended him. I truly thought he was honest just naive. How naive of ME!! I still wonder about some things being the truth or bullshit.

My God, there were so many questionable incidents and for years I gave him the benefit of doubt explaining over and over again that; if you take something that doesn’t belong to you people think you are stealing. I know it sounds crazy to be explaining that to a 40 year old man but he always has some excuse. It was in the garbage so he took it, someone who doesn’t work there any more gave it to him, the boss said he could take it but forgot he said it or changed his mind.

In the 10 years I was with him I had 3 vehicles stolen and he had 3 stolen and totalled one for the insurance money. (I can’t prove it but I know) Six vehicles stolen in 10 years. But I finally did get smart and would keep my registration hidden from him. Now that is a healthy relationship! You hide the registration from the man you love, your soul mate, what does that tell you?

He got fired from every job he ever had. When he had a job he would work 7 days a week. I think because then he would be alone at work and able to steal shit plus he wanted to make sure no one figured out what he was doing. I have never known anyone who went to work one morning and his key no longer fit the lock on the door and he was fired. They were holding his final pay cheque and his tools box was either confiscated or outside the gate.

It happened to him 3 times! And for half of our relationship he was self employed!

I used to insure his truck because I got a 43% discount on my insurance and he had a 43% surcharge added to his. I signed a transfer and tax form in case something happened to me he could sign it over to his name. He told me he had lost it and gave me another one to sign. I was going to fill out the details like the VIN # and he said not to bother, he would fill it in. He kept losing them and I had signed half a dozen of them until one day I ran into a friend. He was on the way to the bank to get money out because he was buying a truck from my ex. I offered to drive him to the bank and I asked which truck he was buying. The blue one parked out front? No the yellow one parked out back.

I argued “No, you can’t be, that’s my truck.”

He insisted that was the truck he was buying, he even had a transfer and tax form with my signature on it!!!

Alarm bells, sirens were ringing, lights were flashing, my own foot came up and kicked me in the ass.

Needless to say, he never bought my truck BUT my truck never ran again either.

* Narcissists do not like to be thwarted.

There were distinct stages of denial I went through until I was in full blown cognitive dissonance before I came full circle to reality again. See if you can relate to any of these.

– At first I truly believed with all my heart he was totally honest and could never break the law or lie. How did I know this-he told me. That’s how. And he said it with such conviction. He had this innocent, country boy, charm going on and I defended him ferociously!

– After he had been accused several times of stealing I still told myself he was stupid. He didn’t mean to steal, it was a misunderstanding. How did I know this? Well, because he told me they misunderstood his motives.

– I eventually got to the stage of telling myself I was not responsible for his actions. I would just turn a blind eye to what he was doing in business, his “deals” and lead my life honestly. I stopped trying to “fix” the messes he created.

– There was one problem with not cleaning up his messes. His messes almost definitely automatically became my messes and I would have to deal with them. If he lost his job, we couldn’t pay the rent, we got evicted, I would have to clean up the mess. Guys he has pissed off run us off the road while I’m driving becomes my problem also. Guys he stole from call me and threaten to come over and stay with me until he shows up and they are drunk and yelling about blood flowing and I end up driving around with my dog afraid to go home; it is now MY problem.

– I started to want to warn new friends he made. Like, how do you casually tell someone “don’t do any business deals with him and you might want to start locking your shop. He tends to have a lot of misunderstandings that will cost you money.”

– I started to not tell people he was my boyfriend, especially customers. The voices in my head kept saying, “How can you love someone you are ashamed to admit is your boyfriend?

– I would make deals with myself. If he gets arrested: I am out of here. When I had dumped him one time he came to me saying he had volunteered to go on a missionary trip to Sudan Africa. I thought, “If he actually goes and does this, I will give him another chance.” It took me years to get the truth about what happened in Sudan and it was anything but charitable.

– Finally I could not deny it any longer and could not rationalize it any more. There were no more excuses, I could not turn a blind eye, could not teach him right from wrong, was ashamed to be seen with him, couldn’t trust him to not destroy my truck (in fact I knew without a doubt he WAS sabotaging my truck). I refused to haul anything for him because I was afraid it was stolen. I broke up with him but I made a crucial mistake; I didn’t go no contact.

Any access a narcissist has to you is a bad thing for you!

Miraculously I had managed to retain my good reputation; a person has nothing without their reputation. I was proud of that.

I did not realize how a narcissist operates, well to be honest I didn’t know what I was dealing with at that time. But I have since found out that a narcissist will totally turn the tables on the victim. What he did to you he will say you did to him. The only reason he stole stuff was cuz I drove him to it with my demands for more. I sat my lazy ass on the couch all day drinking, eating bon bons and cracking the whip. He just could not make me happy.

The only reason he screwed around was because I was a suspicious psycho bitch.

He purposely sabotaged my work truck so I couldn’t pay my debts. And he called all my customers with anonymous complaints and then spread the “fake news” so it became fact that I could not be trusted. He called employers as a “concerned citizen”. I figured out what he was doing when I found his blog where he was talking about how a concerned citizen had called my boss. Funny thing is I had purposely not told a soul so if he knew he had to be the one who made the call.

But, having to defend yourself, constantly doing damage control, and wondering who he has talked to, all wears you down. Your self esteem, already low due to his gas lighting and abuse; melts through the cracks.

It makes it so much harder to recover. You either get sick like me and just give up or you move away.

The very best thing you can do? Avoid the whole shit show in the first place! What a novel idea!!

– Don’t trust someone just because they say they are honest – wait and see how they operate over time.

– When you see that their values don’t align with yours. Walk!! Immediately! It is not your job to teach anyone else how to be a good person. If they are over the age of 6 and are lying and stealing it’s too late to change them.

Remember- who you hang out with IS a reflection on you. Are you proud of who you are with? Do you feel perfectly comfortable telling anyone what goes on behind closed doors? Would you want your best friend or daughter dating this guy?

My ex used to say I made him look like an asshole when I talked to people about our relationship. My reply was, “If telling the truth makes you look like an asshole, maybe you should stop acting like an asshole.”

You should never have to lie or cover for your partner. Sure there are things you don’t talk about, like your sex life but you should never have to lie or make excuses for the person you love.

Two Years In Review

It is 2 years, 29 days since I loaded up what few possessions I had and limped my truck and my broken heart to a friend’s.

It is 1 yr 9 mth since I found him at P’s house & he moved in with M. Its just over a yr since I discovered his blog and and the depth of his lies.

It is 1 year & 1 mth since he came to me in tears apologizing and telling me he always loved me.

Its been about 8 months since I found out he had fathered a child in Africa.

It has been 1 yr, 11 mths and 12 days since I attempted suicide.

At times I would hurt so bad I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.
No family support, no money, no friends, not because I didn’t have old friends that wanted to get together, but because so much had happened since I last saw them, I didn’t have a clue what to say to them. I knew they’d never understand what I’d been through, plus I was no where near the person they had known. I had been pretty, self sufficient, independent, humorous, stylish, confident and now I was a shell.

Slowly, oh so very slowly I have found myself again.

I am not the person I was before JC, I could never be that person again. Once you have slept with the devil; you can never be the same; you lose your innocence. Once you have slept with the devil you know true evil exists, you have looked it in the eyes and it almost swallowed you up. Forever more you will have the knowledge that there are people on this earth who have no concern, compassion or conscience, they have no soul. That has to change a person.

I prolonged my recovery because I just could not let go. Why? When he had destroyed me? Why did I want him back, why did I beg him, why did I allow him to even enter my home? I can’t believe it now when I look back. Its not that I believed him; I was long past being that naive, I didn’t respect him; how could I respect someone with no morals or values? I was afraid to admit he was my b/f because I didn’t want people to associate me with him. Yet I took him back time after time.

You know what? I don’t care any more why, I don’t even care if he is happy. I am not totally healed by any means. Being in Surrey where he lives, for my air brakes course showed me I still have wounds that aren’t totally healed. Being in a place I knew I could run into him or he might see me, or I might see “them” totally threw me; no correction; it didn’t totally throw me but it certainly made me feel things I didn’t want to feel. I was nervous, I thought I saw him numerous times and every time I did my heart would stop, my stomach would be sick and I would be frozen, staring at him until I could identify it wasn’t him. I wouldn’t have approached him if I had seen him; I am afraid of the control he had over me and to speak to him would be leaving myself open to evil. But I dreamed about him every night; they were bad dreams, always other women and me crying.

Its strange, but very early in our relationship; long before all the other women and the mind games I had a dream where he was with another woman and they were laughing at me. They had their arms wrapped around each other and she was feeling very smug and he was cruel beyond belief. I woke up from that dream crying and realized he wasn’t in bed, he was on the computer. I went to him in tears expecting him to comfort me and tell me it was just a bad dream, but when I told him about my dream he was cold and acted annoyed. If only I would have listened to what my instincts were telling me.

You know what I attribute my healing to? Acceptance. I have accepted that he is evil, pure evil; it is what I believe in my heart. Pure evil does not change.

I have accepted I was manipulated, lied to, abused and I went back for more.

I have accepted that he destroyed alot of what made me me. But he didn’t destroy me; not my soul, not ME.

I have even accepted that quite possibly he is happy with M. She doesn’t work, she has always been happy to be a housewife waiting for the man to come home; she has never worked outside the home. She has enough money that he doesn’t have to contribute to the household finances and can spend any money he makes on himself. She has a house so he has a roof over his head. She has never had children so there is no one taking attention away from him. He has bought himself a truck (like my old one and has my winch on it) a Harley, an old chev pickup he is restoring, I gather she/he has a nice home, she has supper waiting for him when he gets home, they have taken vacations and she owns summer property on an island off the coast. When he expounded on her attributes he listed:
She is interested in what he has to say
She gets his sense of humor
She is frugal
She is pretty talented with her hands and can make things
She has some pretty good ideas sometimes.

If she is happy with him and doesn’t expect him to hold down a job, and doesn’t mind depending her husbands life insurance money keeping him happy more power to them. They should last until she runs out of money, needs him for some reason like she gets sick, a parent dies or she catches him cheating.

I thought realistically about her and I and we are so different. I could never be happy spending my whole life catering to a man without any independence. It isn’t even remotely possible he would have ever been happy with me. For one thing I have a son who I love, I have a dog/dogs I love, I don’t have an inheritance for him to spend, I have to work, I have interests other than his, I am unhappy locked up in the house all day without a vehicle. I want to leave my mark on the world, I want the world to be a better place because I was here. I want to learn, grow, share, improve myself, change, I never want to stagnate. I don’t want to change the man I am with, I don’t want to be my partners conscience, I don’t want to be suspicious, I don’t want to walk on egg shells or be afraid to say what I am feeling. I don’t want to fear the man I love. I could never be with him and be happy.

When I realized that it was so much easier to heal. I was so focussed on why didn’t he want me that I totally missed the fact that I don’t want him. I hate evil, I don’t like the blackness that hangs over me when he is in my life.

It seems as soon as I accepted the fact that I deserve to be happy and started being the person I want people to know me as, things started to fall into place. Once I went totally no contact there was room for the goodness to come into my life and maybe I was able to recognize the goodness because my focus wasn’t on the evil.

I started viewing my experiences with JC as things that made me stronger. Like, once you’ve slept with the devil and survived you can do anything. Now I do things I never would have had the courage to do before. I am more out going. I reach out to people who are in need because I know how much I appreciated others kindness when I was down.

I am a better person for my experiences with JC. I don’t thank him for it, I don’t forgive him for the things he did. I could have lived quite nicely without ever having had the experiences but seeing as I have I might as well make the best of them.

I passed my air brakes course with 100% and now have to go to the licensing office, take a 25 question quiz, get 20 right and I will have my air brake endorsement. I was really proud of myself for passing but even more proud when I found out that several of the guys at work have taken the course several times and failed every time.

The course did kinda make me sad, so much of the course reminded me of JC. So much of what he did with his semi makes sense to me now. But when I realized he never really wanted an equal, he wanted to be superior to me; me understanding would have been viewed as competition.

I got a hotel the one night because 8-6 is a long day. I went to the “Hollywood Hotel” they had a sign out front that said rooms for $49.95 and it looked decent. The guy walked me up to my room and said he had to unlock it for me because the lock was tricky. It was one of those locks that you use a credit card looking thing. He didn’t use the card like you usually do; instead he used it to slide it between the door jam and the lock like a person uses a credit card to break into a house.

That was my first red flag. It looked clean enough, the carpet was thread bare and there were obscenities written on the mirror but I’ve seen worse. The bathroom looked clean. After he left I checked the bed and the sheets were obviously dirty so I went down to the lobby to ask for clean ones. I followed him to the laundry room, he checked the cupboards, nope, then he checked the dryer, nope; then the washing machine. Finally he handed me another bedspread and told me to sleep on top of the covers and use the bedspread. I had a good laugh and slept in my boots and coat but I was warm & I had a hot shower in the morning.

I am looking forward to 2013 more than I have ever looked forward to a new year like I am this one.
Happy New Year!!!!

Bonding With A Stranger

I had a wonderful and unexpected experience last night.

I went over to my girlfriend’s for a visit and to use her internet. While I was there she had some friends drop by. The girl was very outgoing, talkative and upbeat kind of person and I immediately took a liking to her, she was typical of the kind of friends my friend has. Usually when my g/f gets a group of her friends together there is a lot of lively conversation.

I was only listening with 1/2 my attention because I was trying to catch up with comments on here, so I don’t remember how we got on to the topic of this girls eye; but she revealed that she had lost her eye due to her ex somehow hitting her in the face with a broom. She recalled the events and said she remembered him being angry and hitting a box with it, he said it broke and flew and hit her by accident, the police say the broom was intact when they investigated the incident.

Either way, she lost her eye and now has a prosthesis eye. I must say it was very hard to tell she is a very pretty young woman. But she was saying the police pressed charges against him but she refused to testify against him and even walked into the courthouse with him holding his hand. She related some of the abuse she suffered from him and I closed my laptop and was listening at first but then I asked if she had ever researched narcissism or psychopaths and she hadn’t even heard of narcissism which is so typical as we all know. Before I knew it, it was like it was only her and I in the room. We went back and forth, one barely finishing a sentence before the other finished it for her and guess what! Our ex’s had the same name!!
Just as it is in here, our stories were eerily the same, and she felt as I do that she was lucky to escape with her life.

There was one guy in the room and my girl friend who both sat quietly and listened to the exchange that went on for God knows how long.

It got to be 2:30 in the morning before I realized I was getting sleepy and she said she had to get going. My g/f said something about us really having a bonding experience and almost group therapy session and mentioned that the guy had shown a lot of respect and restraint to just sit there listening and not getting bored. He said he didn’t mind at all because his biological father had treated his mom badly. But we were all in agreement that it hadn’t been depressing in the least, we all felt better for it. The other girl said she hadn’t talked about it like that before, that she wasn’t usually that open especially with people she doesn’t know but with me understanding where she was coming from and not judging her for staying etc she felt comfortable to share her experiences and in sharing them she got closure and insight into feelings she hadn’t previously acknowledged. She is with a really nice guy now but shares children with her abusive ex and said he still scares her, he can still control her and she knows she can’t be his friend but she has a hard time cutting him from her life. She knows his new g/f and he hasn’t changed at all and of course everything is always her fault as we all know too well. She admitted she can’t hate him, she doesn’t want to go back but no one understands why she can’t hate him. She said there must be something wrong with her. I told her I totally understand and there is nothing wrong with her.

I invited her to come here for a visit and I hope she does.

When she was leaving she came over to me and introduced herself and I stood up and gave her a hug. I felt like we had formed a very special bond last night. We might never see each other again but we both came away from this chance encounter enriched with a new understanding and feeling less alone.

She was very happy for me for getting my new job and she said admired me for my strength to over come and survive. But I was looking at her and seeing this upbeat, strong woman who has survived way worse abuse then I did and thinking how strong she is.

There is a huge misconception about abused women and men; it is that they are weak.

I think the reason people are abused and don’t leave is not because they are weak, they do it because they are strong. They think they can withstand the abuse and help their abuser, they are giving, loving people who won’t give up on the person they love when things get rough. Not every one can love like that, not everyone has the strength to endure that kind of daily verbal and emotional abuse. We may eventually feel broken because we have depleted all our resources but that strength is in us and we get strong again. If you think you can’t survive the pain you are feeling, if you think you aren’t strong enough, know that you are stronger than you know, you have already survived what would bring some people to their knees. You will survive!! Just don’t hold it inside, don’t let his words echo in your ears, speak it, put a voice to your secret fears that it really is your fault and release yourself from undeserving guilt over your own abuse.