Tag Archives: acceptance

Bonding With A Stranger

I had a wonderful and unexpected experience last night.

I went over to my girlfriend’s for a visit and to use her internet. While I was there she had some friends drop by. The girl was very outgoing, talkative and upbeat kind of person and I immediately took a liking to her, she was typical of the kind of friends my friend has. Usually when my g/f gets a group of her friends together there is a lot of lively conversation.

I was only listening with 1/2 my attention because I was trying to catch up with comments on here, so I don’t remember how we got on to the topic of this girls eye; but she revealed that she had lost her eye due to her ex somehow hitting her in the face with a broom. She recalled the events and said she remembered him being angry and hitting a box with it, he said it broke and flew and hit her by accident, the police say the broom was intact when they investigated the incident.

Either way, she lost her eye and now has a prosthesis eye. I must say it was very hard to tell she is a very pretty young woman. But she was saying the police pressed charges against him but she refused to testify against him and even walked into the courthouse with him holding his hand. She related some of the abuse she suffered from him and I closed my laptop and was listening at first but then I asked if she had ever researched narcissism or psychopaths and she hadn’t even heard of narcissism which is so typical as we all know. Before I knew it, it was like it was only her and I in the room. We went back and forth, one barely finishing a sentence before the other finished it for her and guess what! Our ex’s had the same name!!
Just as it is in here, our stories were eerily the same, and she felt as I do that she was lucky to escape with her life.

There was one guy in the room and my girl friend who both sat quietly and listened to the exchange that went on for God knows how long.

It got to be 2:30 in the morning before I realized I was getting sleepy and she said she had to get going. My g/f said something about us really having a bonding experience and almost group therapy session and mentioned that the guy had shown a lot of respect and restraint to just sit there listening and not getting bored. He said he didn’t mind at all because his biological father had treated his mom badly. But we were all in agreement that it hadn’t been depressing in the least, we all felt better for it. The other girl said she hadn’t talked about it like that before, that she wasn’t usually that open especially with people she doesn’t know but with me understanding where she was coming from and not judging her for staying etc she felt comfortable to share her experiences and in sharing them she got closure and insight into feelings she hadn’t previously acknowledged. She is with a really nice guy now but shares children with her abusive ex and said he still scares her, he can still control her and she knows she can’t be his friend but she has a hard time cutting him from her life. She knows his new g/f and he hasn’t changed at all and of course everything is always her fault as we all know too well. She admitted she can’t hate him, she doesn’t want to go back but no one understands why she can’t hate him. She said there must be something wrong with her. I told her I totally understand and there is nothing wrong with her.

I invited her to come here for a visit and I hope she does.

When she was leaving she came over to me and introduced herself and I stood up and gave her a hug. I felt like we had formed a very special bond last night. We might never see each other again but we both came away from this chance encounter enriched with a new understanding and feeling less alone.

She was very happy for me for getting my new job and she said admired me for my strength to over come and survive. But I was looking at her and seeing this upbeat, strong woman who has survived way worse abuse then I did and thinking how strong she is.

There is a huge misconception about abused women and men; it is that they are weak.

I think the reason people are abused and don’t leave is not because they are weak, they do it because they are strong. They think they can withstand the abuse and help their abuser, they are giving, loving people who won’t give up on the person they love when things get rough. Not every one can love like that, not everyone has the strength to endure that kind of daily verbal and emotional abuse. We may eventually feel broken because we have depleted all our resources but that strength is in us and we get strong again. If you think you can’t survive the pain you are feeling, if you think you aren’t strong enough, know that you are stronger than you know, you have already survived what would bring some people to their knees. You will survive!! Just don’t hold it inside, don’t let his words echo in your ears, speak it, put a voice to your secret fears that it really is your fault and release yourself from undeserving guilt over your own abuse.

What a Difference a Lunch Can Make

My mom called, well texted saying she wanted to buy me lunch yesterday so I met her in Surrey because I still had to drop off my tax returns. (The really dumb thing is that the taxation office was shut down permanently the first of Oct and you just leave whatever you are dropping off in a drop box so I could have left them on Friday sheesh)

We met across the street at Swiss Chalet, and I was on time! I was surprised when she started talking about what I went through with JC and she was acknowledging she didn’t understand but she was trying. We talked a bit about the blog and how I am so shocked there are so many women going through the same thing. I was telling her about JC’s comments and that it actually had been a good thing because it so totally showed what a scum bag, low life he really is and how stupid he is.
She said she remembered one time about 28 years ago, my folks had split in January and it was Mother’s Day. My son and I were over at my mother’s house and my dad pulled up and started giving me shit because I didn’t come see him. I had said, “It’s Mothers day for God’s sake why would I go spend the day with you?” He had been really pissed, Kris was only like 3 or 4 and was crying and his grandpa totally ignored him and gave my mom and I shit for ganging up on him and I don’t remember what all and then he got in his truck and peeled out of there. Little Kris was standing right there and got spewed with gravel and I was furious.

My mom wanted me to go apologize and I refused but finally relented because she was so upset. I had to drive an hour to get to my dad’s and he had a real attitude. I forget what all was said, it isn’t important; what made me feel better was that she had obviously been thinking about our conversation the last time we were together. She must have realized that maybe she/my childhood/my dad was a contributing factor to me staying with JC as long as I did. I was raised to tolerate “make nice” “walk on egg shells” and ask forgiveness even when I did nothing wrong. That is why I won’t apologize to my step dad either; just to make peace.

That is the first time I really felt she understood some of what I went through. It’s not that I ever blamed her for my upbringing, she apologized years ago for not leaving or standing up to him more but I know she did the best she could at the time. What hurt was when I got in a similar relationship she couldn’t understand why I stayed and said she would never have stayed but was with my dad 30 years. Her father was very abusive, my dad was her one and only boyfriend and she got married at 17, so I can understand, and that is all I wanted; to be understood.

I think she kinda gets it! It felt really good! Like a weight off my shoulders.

Yesterday was a good day and so was today!

I love you guys!
Me 🙂