Tag Archives: Answered Prayers

I Keep Praying For God To Give Me A Sign

god removes people

“I keep praying for God to give me a sign”, was a comment made by a woman on my Face Book. I was immediately transported 15 years back in time; ………I am in my garden, about a year into my relationship with James, with tears streaming down my cheeks, a glass of wine in one hand and my garden rake in the other, face to the sky, pleading for God to please give me a some sort of sign telling me what I should do. I don’t know what kind of sign I was expecting, writing in the sky? a bolt of lightening? a booming voice saying, “Run you fool run!!” God can only do so much and I wanted some sort of undeniable concrete evidence that I should leave or stay.

For 9 years I prayed for God to give me a sign. Looking back I can imagine God slapping his forehead in frustration wishing he could slap ME upside the head with a 2×4. As I was sounding like a broken record, crying, begging for a sign telling me what I should do; I can imagine God wanting to scream, “What more do you want?? You don’t want the truth so stop asking for it!”

It isn’t that God didn’t give me signs, tons of them, time after time after time………

  •  I had never snooped on a partner in my life but out of the blue I was hit by some force to check James’ barrack box. When I opened the box there was a notebook right on top. I opened the notebook at a random page that described how he had hit the young girl he had always told me left him for no reason. His words jumped out at me, “Just like all the rest, she wouldn’t shut up; so I hit her.” He went on to describe how when they got home he took the phone in the bedroom and called her family and friends and complained about her. How he was cold and uncaring and went to sleep leaving her crying, pregnant and alone. He left to do a run the next morning and called her 1/2 way through the next day to say, “I love you” and she had replied, “You woke me up to say that?” and hung up. She never answered the phone again and when he got home the apartment was empty and she was gone. Did I take it as a sign that I should also pack my bags and run? Oh no, I took it to mean I should prove to him I wasn’t going to leave him. I knew how much he loved me, how much her leaving had hurt him; after all he had told me, no woman had ever loved him like I did. He had thought he had loved before but I had shown him what true love was all about.
  • Or when time after time some bizarre “co-incidence” would reveal another one of his lies.
  • Or when, while looking for scrap paper I found proof he had forged my signature and altered my police statement.
  • Or when I accidentally ran into the guy who was on the way to the bank to get the money to buy a truck from James, MY truck.
  • Or how every time we split I did SO much better financially and everything I needed was miraculously given to me.

I could go on and on, after all it was 10 years of gas lighting, living with Jekyll and Hyde, “I love you today”, “I keep telling you my love is cycleable”, “I can’t live with your warped view of reality” “I can’t live with your dysfunctional way of thinking”, “Of course I am looking for other women, look what I live with.” “I wouldn’t look elsewhere if you trusted me”. How many times did he tell me it was over? how many times did I leave just to have him beg me back, making promises he never kept? How many personal ads did I find without even having to look for them? How many jobs did he lose because he was “falsely” accused of stealing? How many friends did he lose because he was “falsely” accused of stealing? How many times did we move to another town to get a “fresh start”?

Honor Thy Narcissistic Mother

How many signs did I need? I ignored the obvious signs that I was with one majorly fucked up psychopath and chose to interpret obscure “signs” to mean I should stay.

  • Like, every time we had a big fight he injured himself.
  • Or how every time we had a major fight or split up my truck broke down and I had to call James to rescue me.

And I interpreted it to mean God was showing us that we needed each other and should stay together.

  • I had 3 vehicles stolen in as many years and I found spare transfer and tax forms he had forged my signature on.
  • My brake line broke 3 times in 5 years, plus numerous other suspicious mechanical failures.

I totally pushed the thought out of my mind that he was responsible for it all, which would have proven without a shadow of a doubt that this guy was fricken nuts and dangerous!!

We all have free will and we all can choose to interpret answers to our prayers any way we want. When God answers prayers, he does not always give us the answer we want to hear. And if we are honest with ourselves, we don’t need God to give us answers; all we need to do is face the truth that keeps slapping us across the face.

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Law Of Attraction and Why The Narcissist Seems Immune to Karma

There you are, barely functioning, destroyed by the narcissist and it seems the target of every user/loser in the world and the narcissist is living the good life – What the hell ever happened to Karma?

dear karma

I have thought about this ever since James and I split and I recently, like this morning; had an epiphany. So bare with me, this might jump around a bit because I am so excited, my mind is jumping.

If there is a God, if there is such a thing as Karma, then why is it the victim of the narcissist seem to be left in a deep pit of bad luck and despair while the evil narcissist is being rewarded for his horrific behavior? It goes against everything we have ever been taught about life, the do unto others theory, the belief that people who do bad things have to deal with “Karma” and will pay a price, that if we lead a good honest life we will be rewarded; it all seems to be lies!! The narcissist just goes from victim to victim without ever being punished and in fact he seems to be rewarded!! Why?? How is that fair??

To top it all off the victim seems to just get more shit dumped on them, they meet another narcissist the very first time they decide to date, they have to work with narcissists, their money situation gets worse and worse, their health is bad, friends drop off. It’s hard to believe you were not to blame when it seems you are being punished in some way. Maybe the narcissist was right, maybe you ARE a bad person, because if you weren’t you wouldn’t have to deal with all this crap.

karma

I have been studying the Law Of Attraction lately because I want answers for myself, and for you; and this is what I have deciphered.

If you believe in the laws of attraction, which I do, it’s kinda hard not to there is no much evidence proving there is something to this; it still seems unfair that the narcissist, a truly evil person; would attract all these good things to himself. Until you look at it from a logical and rational perspective. Law of attraction works from a vibrational level, they say  that in order to attract good things into your life you have to vibrate above the 500 level;

Feelings that give off high vibrations are; Love, Joy, Peace and Gratitude – all feelings we USED to feel and narcissists are attracted to people who exude those feelings because people who vibrate at a higher level tend to be more forgiving, to see the good in others, and love more deeply.

Feelings that give off low vibrations are; Shame, Guilt, Fear and Anger – the victim is left with these feelings after months, years sometimes decades of abuse and being told they are to blame, society blaming them, them blaming themselves. We are the lowest of the low by the time the narcissist is done with us.

By a show of hands; how many victims felt totally drained, like they weren’t themselves, almost dirty, a shell of the person they once were? And the narcissist basically took over their life.

show of hands

I thought so!

Are you seeing where I am going with this? It is easy to see why the victim is receiving shit because they are vibrating at the lowest with feelings of shame, guilt, fear and anger.

But how does someone as evil and conniving as a narcissist manage to vibrate at the high level emotions, they don’t even really feel love, joy or gratitude! Wait!! we are once again viewing this from our perspective, the way it should be, think about how the mind of a narcissist works

(this is strictly my own theory because to my knowledge no one else has thought of it). I know that James studied mind control, the power of the mind, meta physics of the mind, and he used to tell me that I brought on the bad things that happened with my negative thinking. I had never been accused of being a negative person but I have to admit I became that way after years with James. How does one not become negative when every time you have something special planned something happens to ruin it, you never know when your spouse is going to be home, where he is, if he is lying, and you walk on egg shells 24/7? You become negative out of self preservation! if you expect the worst you can’t be disappointed. James used to tell me all the time, if you had no expectations you wouldn’t be disappointed. So I started expecting the worst and I was never disappointed.

Whenever James and I split over the course of the first 6 years, my life got better, I was able to manifest whatever I needed (every time we split I left with nothing) all I had to do was think “I need a couch” or “I sure could use a microwave” or “I need to make $400 today” and it would happen or appear within 24 hours, consistently. So when James and I split the last time I was shocked when things didn’t fall into place like they always had. What I failed to realize was, he had come back with the sole intention of destroying me and my ability to manifest good things in my life. We had split and he saw me succeeding and hated it! (a narcissist feels that if they leave you with anything at all they have failed or are losing something because their purpose was to take everything you had of value and that may include your family, children and self esteem.)

Once the narcissist manages to sabotage your self esteem and instill self doubt you end up on the never ending cycle of negativity that leads to more negativity. See how that happens?

So that explains the victim, but what about the narcissist who is full of toxic emotions, how can he reap so many good things in his life? The keys is; just like the victim is a good person who has been taught to feel insecure and unworthy, the narcissist does not believe he is bad, he feels justified in the things he does, he does not fear anyone, nor is he ashamed, or feel guilty and even his anger he blames on someone else. The law of attraction doesn’t know if what it is attracted to is a lie or not, it responds to the vibrational level of the person. if that person is sick and has a distorted view of their value whether that distortion is good or bad, they will attract the vibration they send out to the world. Get it? The narcissist genuinely feels he deserves the best of everything, he does not doubt whether he should be given something, if he wants it he takes it whether it is given to him or not. If he loses it, he knows he will replace it, or he will manipulate someone into replacing it because he deserves it.

The narcissist is incapable of feeling guilt, shame or fear. The anger thing, well like I said he blames others for that and feels justified. But what about the high level emotions like Love, peace, joy and gratitude? isn’t the narcissist incapable of feeling love and joy? and he certainly never seemed grateful or at peace. once again if you think about it logically the narcissist thinks he is feeling love. The narcissist’s brain is wired differently than a normal person so when he meets a new victim his brain releases the same chemicals our brains do when we meet someone who we think we could love only he is excited because he sees a source of things he wants. He acts much like a person in love but what he is drawn to is the prospect of being able to suck in another prey and bleed them dry. It is intoxicating to the narcissist much like love is intoxicating to a normal person. Just like when we are falling in love we project our best selves so does the narc but his goal is to bleed us dry and ours is to prove we are worthy of his love. Once he has us hooked the thrill starts to wear off, he pulls away, we try harder, he needs new supply because we are no longer a challenge, we try harder, we become more committed to the relationship and that signals to him that he has us and so we no longer provide the ego boost he needs and he must find a new source (plus he is depleting our physical and material worth all along). When he meets a new source of supply once again those chemicals are released into his brain and he acts like he is in love but in actual fact he is energized by the thrill of the kill. He goes off sending off high level vibrations and leaves us depleted and sending off low vibrations.

law of attraction

That is why he will keep coming back, if his new source is not as strong as us and depletes quickly or we start to recover and start vibrating at a higher level again he is drawn back to us because once again we have something for him to feed off of.

The narcissist is such an anomaly that even the law of attraction is fooled by him. The narcissist is a freak, handicapped, incomplete, a screw up of nature, but has learned to adapt in the world and that is why it is so hard to make sense of what they do. They will never make sense and the rules of the world don’t apply to them, or so it seems, unless you look deeper than the obvious. That is why they can literally get away with murder, they defy all the laws of nature and “how things are supposed to work” .

I am really excited about this new perspective and I have so much more to share!.

Some victims are happy to discover what they were/are dealing with and content with blaming the narcissist and going on with life filled with anger, hurt and resentment, blaming the narcissist for the rest of their lives and wondering why, even though they know the signs of a narcissist they keep attracting them and why nothing ever seems to go right in their lives; and that is fine.

But for the victims who want to truly heal, find inner peace and joy, vibrate at a higher level and attract good things into their lives the workshop I am working on is the place to start.

I will be posting more information on it at the end of the week, so stay tuned.

My Thanksgiving Wishes to You

For months now every time I hear this song I think of everyone here on the blog. In my imagination I see us all fist pumping the air and saying to the Narc,

“Its our time now
this is not a funeral this is a revolution, our tears have turned to rage
We are holding our heads high and we aren’t living on the bottom any more. together we can do this!!”

I love you guys, this Thanksgiving I am thankful for all the wonderful people I have met through here, I am more grateful than words can ever express for the encouragement, emotional and financial support. People say they don’t know what they would have done without this blog; I feel the same way. I may have started it, but it is much bigger than me; it’s the people who come here who make it what it is.

God bless you all

I want some fist pumping happening when you play the song and when you get down and want to make contact or think you can’t do it play this song and picture all of us behind you, or holding you up if that is what it takes.

“People Like Us”

We come into this world unknown
But know that we are not alone
They try and knock us down
But change is coming, it’s our time now

Hey… everybody loses it,
Everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes
And hey… yeah I know what you’re going through
Don’t let it get the best of you, you’ll make it out alive
Ohh

People like us we’ve gotta stick together
Keep your head up, nothing lasts forever
Here’s to the damned, to the lost and forgotten
It’s hard to get high when you’re living on the bottom

Oh woah oh oh woah oh
We are all misfits living in a world on fire
Oh woah oh oh woah oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us

Hey, this is not a funeral
It’s a revolution, after all your tears have turned to rage
Just wait, everything will be okay
Even when you’re feeling like it’s going down in flames
Ohh

People like us we’ve gotta stick together
Keep your head up nothing lasts forever
Here’s to the damned, to the lost and forgotten
It’s hard to get high when you’re living on the bottom

Oh woah oh oh woah oh
We are all misfits living in a world on fire
Oh woah oh oh woah oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us

Oh woah oh oh woah oh
You’ve just gotta turn it up loud when the flames get higher
Oh woah oh oh woah oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us

They can’t do nothing to you, they can’t do nothing to me
This is the life that we choose, this is the life that we bleed
So throw your fists in the air, come out, come out if you dare
Tonight we’re gonna change forever

Everybody loses it, everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes
Ohh

People like us we’ve gotta stick together
Keep your head up nothing lasts forever
Here’s to the damned, to the lost and forgotten
It’s hard to get high when you’re living on the bottom

Oh woah oh oh woah oh
We are all misfits living in a world on fire
Oh woah oh oh woah oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us

Oh woah oh oh woah oh
You’ve just got to turn it up loud when the flames get higher
Oh woah oh oh woah oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us

Oh woah oh oh woah oh
We’re all misfits living in a world on fire
Oh woah oh oh woah oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us

Oh woah oh oh woah oh
You’ve just got to turn it up loud when the flames get higher
Oh woah oh oh woah oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us

After I got my truck I thought it was meant to be that I be self employed somehow with my truck but the one thing I vowed NOT to do was haul scrap. JC had hauled scrap, most of which he acquired in the middle of the night and I knew of no one who did it honestly. I had landscaping experience, delivery experience but I had purposely not paid attention to JC hauling scrap because I didn’t approve and people didn’t refer to me as a “girly girl” for nothing. Even delivering for the auto scrap yard I changed clothes 3 times a day because I hated being dirty.

But as luck (or God) would have it the only work I got offered was scrap hauling, cleaning up farms, etc and the reason I got the jobs was because I was honest and people trusted me on their property. I never advertised but my business grew by leaps and bounds just from word of mouth. A fellow gave me a hand pump crane for my truck and then one day I was loading a heavy rear end off of a truck and no matter how hard I pumped that crane the rear end would not come off the ground. I looked up and the crane was bending with the weight. There was a fellow standing there watching and laughing, he said, “You need a decent winch and crane.”

Me – Yeah I do, are you going to buy it for me?

Him – No, I am going to GIVE it to you. It was given to me and I can’t use it.

It was a winch and crane worth probably $2000, the winch didn’t work and it cost me $75 to fix. I had that crane and winch right up to the day I sold my F550, it made me a ton of money and made my job a hundred times easier.

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I started hauling scrap in 2006 and like I said the work came to me and I did well, JC and I were off and on but through this time I was able to pay rent and live comfortably whereas when I was with JC we always ended up living in some ghetto dive. I would let him stay with me and he loved the attention dating the Lady Witha Truck got him. He would appear very supportive and then sabotage my truck behind my back, it kept me needing him but self supporting and bringing home car parts etc that he often took off my truck. God protected me through it all, twice my brake line “wore through” on my F550, and both times I had seen JC under my truck that morning, driven to the job site and when I went to leave I didn’t have brakes or steering. (With my truck if the brake line broke you lost your steering also) it is nothing but a miracle that the line didn’t let go while I was driving down the road, what are the odds that a brake line would let go twice in 2 years and neither time was I going down the highway or down a hill?

I had a flawless reputation in the community which worked in his favor also; there was a lot of benefits to JC having me in his life and he used it every way he could. I got preferred rates from different businesses I dealt with. Whereas his step dad used to call JC to get deals, he started calling me because I had better contacts, JC used my contacts, I had his sister work for me and then his son, JC used to offer people he knew jobs working for me then I would have to turn them down, so he would look like the good guy. What God provided JC took away. One incident of this happened about a year before we split. the insurance on my truck was $268 a month, one month just before Christmas we were broke, he had a semi and trailer but hadn’t worked in a couple of months. He was expecting to borrow money from his step dad so I said we could use my insurance money for groceries as long as I got it back when he got his money. I should have known better but we were “trying again” and I was working in good faith.  When he got his money he refused to give me the money for my insurance and the payment bounced. I called the insurance company and they said they would just take two payments the next month, but the next month there were service charges attached and they wanted two payments so they tried to take over $600 which bounced again. Now I owed over $700. I prayed about it and within 2 days I got a call from an old customer saying he was moving his shop and needed me to haul away a bunch of scrap. I got there and not only did he have scrap he had probably a dozen good engines. I took the engines to Vancouver Core who bought engine cores at a better price than scrap and they told me they would give me $500 for 8 of the engines, the rest of the engines and the car parts I had on the truck would have easily come to another $300. It was an answer to my prayers, exactly enough to pay my insurance and service charges up to date. JC saw the engines and immediately said I could get more selling them to a private buyer. I explained that Vancouver core was guaranteed money and my only concern was paying my insurance but he made some phone calls and said he had a buddy who would buy all the engines and I would get at least $1000 for the engines and parts. Initially I told him no, but as you know you don’t say no to a narcissist. He kept saying how dumb I was to not take the better price, I finally told him OK but to tell his friend that I had to have cash in hand that night, no paying later or trading for something; I had to have the cash. I made sure I was very clear and said it calmly and clearly that I had to have that money the next night.

JC’s friend lived in the backwoods of Mission so two days before my insurance was due we drove out there with the engines. I was confident I was going to get my money because I had asked JC so many times if he had told the guy I had to have cash in hand that night and he assured me the guy knew. I bought us supper and of course there was the cost of fuel to get there. It was raining, and there were 3 guys there, all pretty drunk so I told JC I would wait in the truck. It took an hour or so and they unloaded all the engines and most of the antique car parts. JC got a transmission off the guy for part payment which was fine with me, as long as I got the $750 for my insurance. As we were pulling away I asked for my money and he said the guy would pay me the next day. I knew I was not going to see that money, and I never did……………..after we split JC made sure to tell me that he was going to visit the guy; then I knew for sure he had set me up. What God had given JC took away.

I guess I should backtrack a bit here as I have gotten ahead of myself.

If we step back a year or two. JC had gone to Africa and when he came back I found out he had gotten “engaged” to an African woman and was telling her he was going to bring her to Canada, he continued to have personal ads and he also told me he had malaria. My mom had called me saying that my step dad and her wanted me to have some security so they were going to give me my inheritance early and buy me a mobile home. As it turned out they weren’t buying me a mobile home but willing to carry the mortgage on it and I was to pay them back with interest, which was fine with me. I found a beautiful double wide and moved in, JC came by to visit but I wouldn’t allow him to stay the night, it was done for me. he was living in his truck and I really didn’t care. He went to Red Deer and I actually started to date again, a younger man who had been flirting with me for years asked me out and I went. I didn’t have furniture but whatever I needed came to me wihtin hours. All I had to do was think, “I need a TV” and that day in my travels with work I would find a TV on the side of the road with a “Working Free” sign on it. If I needed a couch, that day I would find a couch, and not a ratty couch but a nice couch. Within a couple of weeks I had fully furnished a two bedroom mobile home with a full dining room suite, kitchen table, two bed rooms fully furnished. The economy tanked about 6 months later but I was able to keep my head above water. Every morning I would pray to make a certain amount of money and that is what I would make that day. For example, one day I needed to make $500 in order to meet my mortgage payment on time. I prayed in the morning for $500 and just believed I would make it but as the day went on my hopes faded. There was no scrap anywhere, I had nothing on my truck and I felt the panic growing. I had one more customer to check and they had a 45 gal drum of scrap, maybe a couple hundred dollars worth but I ran it into Surrey anyway, it was better than nothing. The scrap yard was used to me flying through the gate 10 minutes to closing and I didn’t let them down that day. They unload you with a magnet Imageand when they pulled the load off a bunch of it stayed behind, all these square pieces of what looked like steel but it wasn’t magnetic. (steel is magnetic, nonferrous metals such as copper, brass, aluminum and stainless steel are not magnetic, at that time steel was worth $.10/lb.  I went in the office and got a cheque for $157, I was so let down, I was sure God would come through for me, he had never let me down, but it was 5 minutes to closing and there was no way I was going to make enough money that day. As I was leaving I asked if I could unload the non ferrous on my truck and Steve the manager told me to go ahead he’d stay late. We unloaded the pile of nonmagnetic pieces and I went in the office while Steve figured out what it was worth.

Steve- You’re going to like this total

Me – Why what was it?

Steve – It was all 306 Stainless, worth $1 a lb.

The total came to $343, and it was 5:05. I had made my $500.

Image

( My F550 on a real money making day)

It is possible to do more than survive a narcissist, with God anything is possible. Even a “girlie girl” hauling scrap metal.

ReCreations – Platter

20130523_005818-12013-05-23 01.03.482013-05-23 01.03.02My whole life I wanted to be able to paint but try as I might I could not transfer what I saw with my eyes onto a piece of paper with paints. Everything came out looking like a one dimensional blob. I was artistic in other ways but I considered myself to be more “crafty” than artistic.

Then one winter JC got the position of on site security at a very remote gravel pit.

We had no TV, radio, phone or internet. It was winter and we were living in a small holiday trailer. I was going crazy with nothing to do. I would ride with JC during the day as he hauled cars and made deals. One day he was given a van full of “stuff”, some of the stuff was painting supplies. I tucked them aside when we got home.

I have always hated to see something perfectly good and useful get thrown in the trash and I got hooked the first time someone introduced me to dumpster diving. It was right up my alley (pun intended)

In the dead of winter I was tearfully flipping through gardening magazines and on a whim decided to try painting flowers on a cookie sheet because that way if I made a mistake I could wipe the one section clean and redo one it without having to throw away the whole picture.

Being out in the forest with nothing but time I started to take notice of my surroundings; all the magnificant shades of green there was for moss, how the mountains could look almost black somedays or blue others. Green was no longer just green, I started mixing colours to come up with a colour closer to what I saw with my eyes. I noticed that the evergreen trees were almost black in the centre with graduated shades of green. I noticed how the sun reflected off the pedals of a flower and some pedals shadowed the lower pedals.
All of a sudden my paintings came to life and started to look like what I saw. I was so pleased with some of my work I clear coated it and kept them. I became obsessed with painting, I painted day and night. Paints and brushes were a buck at the dollar store and of course my canvasses were free.

I painted everything and anything; I even painted flowers on the kitchen cupboard doors. One day JC teased me that maybe I needed to sell some of my artwork because it was a little bit much in our tiny trailer. He said every time he came home he expected to see the seven dwarfs singing “Hi Ho Hi Ho” as they marched down the driveway.
“A little too crafty around here?” I laughed.

I removed some of my art from the walls and had it laying outside when a buddy of JC’s came by. He saw my stuff and wanted to buy a few pieces for his wife. I was flabbergasted!! Someone wanted to pay for my paintings. I think I charged him $5 a piece but he took two and gave me $20.

For years, every night I’d paint until I couldn’t keep my eyes open, sometimes falling asleep with a paint brush in my hand and a pot of paint on my knee. I’d wake up with paint splattered every where.

In 2005 we were living in another hell hole, struggling to make enough money to eat, fighting constantly, him sabotaging my vehicle so I couldn’t work and I’d had enough so I moved out. My brother offered me a job working for him but that didn’t pan out so I was broke. I had just enough gas to get to Fort Langley, a quaint little town full of little antique shops and crafty type stores. I loaded up everything I had painted and headed out determined to sell something, I HAD to, but when I got there I lost my nerve. I went into shop after shop never getting up the courage to approach anyone about buying my stuff. I berated myself for being such a coward; I knew I didn’t have enough gas to get home, I HAD to sell something!!

There was a highend shop on the outskirts of town and I stopped. It was 5:50 and the woman was bringing in antiques she had displayed outside.

I swallowed hard and approached her stammering something about having painted stuff to sell. She checked her watch and said,”Ok, show me what you’ve got”.

She looked at what I had, picked a couple of pieces and asked how much. I shrugged and said I didn’t know. She said, “You have to know the value of your work, tell me what its worth to you”. I gave her some prices and she paid what I asked.

I thanked her very much and she replied that she was going to Australia the next day for 7 weeks to visit her son. She gave me her card and told me to do alot of painting during that 7 weeks and bring everything I had when she got back. Then almost as an after thought she said,”You have talent, don’t short change yourself. You have to know your worth, you’re good, people will buy it”.

Seven weeks turned into several months, I was back with JC and had lost my nerve again. Then the day came when I was totally broke again and I loaded up my car and called her. She had a day off, but after a few seconds of hesitation she told me to meet her at the shop at 3:30.

It was a 45 minute drive and I prayed the whole trip. “God, please, I need to make a hundred dollars minimum! In your son’s name amen.” Over and over I prayed.

Shirley looked at my collection of painted stuff, picked out half a dozen pieces and said, “How much?” her eyes told me I had better have a price ready for her. She smiled when I told her the prices. She tabulated how much she owed me and then she looked very serious.
She said, “I am going to tell you something I wouldn’t tell many people, but I think you will appreciate what I am about to tell you”.
I said,”Ok”. And held my breath.
Shirley went on, “You were praying on your way over here today weren’t you?”
I nodded yes.
She continued, “You prayed for $100 didn’t you?”
I nodded yes.
She showed me her addition and it came to exactly $100, then she told me that when I called, God told her this girl needs $100. She said she really didn’t feel like coming in on her day off but God put it on her heart that she had to come.
“So” she said, “God and I are investing in you not just me.”

Before I left she told me she would like to carry my stuff in her shop but she wanted exclusive selling rights in Fort Langley. I have sold hundreds of pieces of art through Shirley’s shop.

Unfortunately I had photos of everything but they disappeared quite a few years back.

I’ve painted everything from an old barn door that had a price tag of $275 but got stolen out the back door of the shop. (Shirley always paid me up front for my stuff and then doubled the price in her shop) to a pair of old gumboots, and water skis. My hottest sellers have always been my broken shovels which typically sold for $100.

I haven’t painted much since the economy tanked at the end of 2008. When the economy crashed Shirley couldn’t afford to buy my stuff upfront and I was working so hard trying to make ends meet I didn’t have time. I painted a few special pieces for family and friends. I painted a sweet little chair for JC’s nephew, of the ocean, fishes, clouds and kites in the sky. At Christmas I love to paint snowy winter scenes on plates and have graduated to painting deer, santa, veggies, mountain scenes and more. If I can see it, I can paint it.

At my Grandma’s memorial I mentioned to my cousin that my blog needed a trademark. I said everyone uses a ribbon, I want something unique; maybe even something I could sell that symbolizes life with and after the narcissist. She immediately suggested my painted shovels.

Then we got on a roll.
My painted stuff is something someone else deemed worthless and discarded. I take it and give it new life, a new and different purpose than it had before. Whereas it was a functional shovel at one time I make it into a one of a kind piece of art to be treasured. The damage done to it add to its beauty giving it character.

Plus a shovel comes in handy if you are still with the N, you can use it to shovel all the shit that comes out of his mouth.
You could use it to hit him over the head the next time he pissed you off. And you could use it to bury the evidence.
Once you are split you can use it to shovel through all the lies and false acusations he’ll toss at you during the divorce.
Then when he is out of your life you can use it to “bury the hatchet” , “bury the past”, and “break new ground” as you start your new life without him.

And last but not least, you keep it as a reminder that just because one person deems you worthless and discards you does not mean he is right.

As Shirley said years ago, “You determine your worth, you have to know your value and then set your price. If you don’t set your price high enough no one is going to say,”Oh no I want to pay you more”. So set your value high, people will pay it, you have to know your own worth. I recently pulled out my paint brushes again. This is my latest project. I got the platter out of the Home Sense dumpster a couple of years ago. You can see the handle is missing on one side. I wanted to paint the platter to match the cushions in the living room but I added a little Hummingbird right in the centre.
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Letting It Be

One of the things I learned through the 10 years I was with JC was that some times you have to let things play out. I used to make things happen, but there was no way you made JC do anything. Plus for the most part while we were together we were leaving it in God’s hands, we prayed alot and I drew alot of peace and strength from that. Since JC, I haven’t gotten the same sense of being at peace when I pray. Before I met JC I wasn’t a “nonbeleiver” but after I met him and his mother my belief grew very strong, and it has just been gone since things turned bad the last time we were together. You csn’t laugh at me but I actually thought God had brought us together and whenever we were about to break up my truck woid break down or he would get injured and circumstances (God) brought us back together. Naive eh? It took me 9 years to believe anyone could purposely sabotage someone’s vehicle or purposely injure themselves. I was always waiting for him, to go to the store, to go to Christmas dinner, to take me to emergency, you msme it I waited. When day after painful day I waited for my truck to be fixed I learned patience and I learned to wait,  it was out of my control; I had to let it go.

Yesterday I woke up and needed smokes so immediately got up and took a sleepy eyed Laila for a walk to the store. It was peaceful, the sun just coming up, me in my pj’s, macassins, sweatshirt and no contact lens in. Au natural! Poor neighbours!! I went in (couldn’t tell you who was in the store but it was crowded ) and the smell of bacon and eggs made my stomach growl. I got a cup of coffee and the newspaper and made some small talk with the little Chinese lady that consisted of alot of smiling, hand gestures and head nodding, then headed home.

I wasn’t looking forward to working and had $40 and 1/2 a tank of gas so didn’t feel panicked about making money so I sipped my coffee, ate the rest of an apple pie and read the paper front to back. I didn’t get out of the house until after noon with a “come what may attitude”.

I have been really plagued with indecision about what I should be doing with my life, whether I should give up on scrap; I am just not able to do the job the way I like. But I don’t know what else to do; work at Tim Horton’s or WalMart for $10 an hour part time? But yesterday I decided to let it go. My first pick up was one of my favorite customers, Symons Tire, I love those guys; and then I dropped my weedeater at another customers, Prospect Equipment and once again enjoyed some easy banter. From there I zipped out to a new customer I picked up last week, the distribution centre for MTF stores. They had 3 pallet jacks to be picked up. I was very proud of myself that I got one on the truck all by myself. It took a bit of doing and I was laughing out loud by myself as I struggled with the damn thing; but with a chain, a load binder and using my sides as a ramp I got the job done and it was time to head to the scrap yard. When I got back to Abbotsford I drove past Home Depot (also a customer) and saw they had some scrap out. I was loading it when a couple of guys yelled out loud”Hey! Lady Witha Truck, how are you doing today?” one of the guys was hanging out the window but I didn’t recognize him. I waved anyway and yelled back,”Great thanks”. I went back to loading and then heard a voice say,” It is you! I saw the pink sign on the truck door and thought it must be you”. I turned and saw a homeless guy I’ve talked to many times in the past, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten his name but I greeted him with as much enthusiasm as he had greeted me. He asked where my big truck and the crane went. I told him I had to get rid of it. He said,”wow, that’s too bad, you were really a force to be reckoned with, like you were my , well, you were like my hero. You were really doing it, better than the guys.”

Me: Shit happens you know?

Guy: Yeah, don’t I know that!.
Guy: I am so happy I ran into you, I’ve wondered where you were. Hey I have something I want to give you, you’re gonna be so excited when you see it and if you don’t mind I’d be honored if you take it. He pulled the lid off a rubber maid container he has strapped to a small trailer he pulls behind his bicycle.

Me: That’s a nice set up you have there.

Guy: Yeah its everything I own, a down sleeping bag and another one that I use as a mattress, a change of clothes, that’s about it.

Me: you’ve got it very neat and it stays dry and it looks good. The guy proudly pulled the lid with a bit of a flourish: Now you can see inside.

Inside the container his sleeping bag was neatly rolled up, his clothes folded and he pulled everything out to get a towel from the bottom. Wrapped in the towel was a pair of wire cutters he hands to me: They have a life time warranty at Canadian Tire. He says.

Me: wow! That’s super, I can always use wire cutters. Would you be offended if I gave you $5 for them?

Guy: I didn’t expect anything for them but if you want.

We talked for awhile about scrap prices, where he sleeps at night and I asked him if the cops leave him alone and he said yeah except to wake him up to make sure he isn’t dead.

Me: You know…..if it weren’t for the generosity of a friend who lets me live in his trailer I’d be sleeping in the bushes right along side you.

Guy with a wink: I wouldn’t mind and he giggled nervously and I just wanted to give him a hug.

Me: I had better get going.

Guy as he extends his hand: I sure am glad I ran into you!! You are a really special lady you know.

I shook his hand and thanked him.

Me: you take good care now ok? And we waved goodbye. I got to the scrap yard and as I went over the scale I hear, “You’re breaking the scale!!!” and turn to see a nice looking guy who haul scrap and we laughed. They called him back into the office and I yelled,” Your in trouble now”.

As I back up to the scrap pile to unload the owner Carlo gives me a wave and walks over to the truck: Hey Carrie, how are you today?

Me: Great! And you? Carlo looks tired and is covered in dirt but he flashes me a big smile of perfect  white teeth that seem brighter because he is so dirty: busy day but I’m good.

I unload and go over to the nonferrous section. I am unloading my nonferrous and hear,”Hey Lady Witha truck!” and look up to see another fellow scrap hauler and give him a wave. As I walk into the office another one of the regulars, an older guy I see there often greets me with: Hey smilie, you staying out of trouble?

Me: Of course! I’m too old to get in trouble.
Him with a snort: Too old.
Me as I pushed past him: excuuuuuse me, coming through. And everyone in the office laughed.I got $120 and it wasn’t even 4 pm yet. I took the dogs for a much needed pee and walk and then went to Shoppers drug Mart for some face cleanser. When the cashier rang up my order she asked if I wanted to donate to their cause. I asked what the cause was and she replied 100% of what they collect goes to help women who have been in abusive relationships. I told her to add $5 to my bill. She was squealing with excitement! “You get to sign a butterfly!” she explained $1 you get a leaf, $5 a butterfly and an acorn with $10 and she’s only had people donate $1 so far. I had a laugh and told her I was in an abusive relationship and we discussed how emotional abuse is much harder to heal from than physical abuse. She is young but very mature and I tell her about my blog. From there I go to the grocery store, there’s a guy a guy playing the guitar, he’s pretty good, has a raspy voice and is singing a country song that got me feeling like a dance. Just as I get to the door a guy is walking out, I don’t recognize him but he says, “Your trucks keep getting smaller Lady Witha Truck.” Me: ALOT smaller! And laugh.

I grabbed a few groceries, took the dogs for a walk stopping half a dozen times to let people pet them. Laila performs and gives high 5’s right on cue. A lady leans out as she drives past, “Hey are those Shar-pies? They’re beautiful.

Me: Dad and daughter” thanks yes they are!

We get back in the truck and as I drive past the guitar player I feel I should be giving him something but I’m heading home and don’t want to stop. I get to the first intersection and turn around. I pull up, stop the truck and throw $3 in his guitar case as he sings “You gotta know when to hold them. Know when to fold them. Know when to walk away and know when to run.” I smiled at him and said,” Have a good night”.

I think I got my answer today

http://www.cptryon.org/prayer/special/serenity.html

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
Change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Yesterday I felt I was exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment in time and I was at peace. One day at a time.

Love to you all.

Heaven on Earth

The kiss of the sun for pardon,
The song of the birds for mirth.
One is nearer to God in a garden
Than any place else on earth.

Dorothy Francis Gurney

The above is an exert from a poem by Dorothy Francis Gurney; I used to have a wooden plaque hanging in my garden with that verse on it.

Through the worst times of my life I have found comfort in my garden. When JC and I were at the resort I spent hours tending my garden, crying, praying for answers, praying for strength, praying for my son and my brother, praying to be given one more chance to save my boy, praying for serenity, and sometimes cursing God for giving me too much to handle.

I always came away from my garden feeling calmer, stronger; it was my refuge. It has been for most of my life. When I lived at the lake before I even met JC I would be out there with a flashlight and a glass of wine tending my garden. It seemed the harder the time I was going through the more beautiful my gardens were. Every year I dug up more sod for more flowers. The little English lady that lived across the street and could barely walk made her way across the road slowly with her walker and came up to where I was pulling weeds and she said, ” I want to thank you for your lovely gardens. I look out my window and your gardens take me back to my childhood and the lovely English gardens. You have a loving touch; I’ve watched you. I just wanted you to know you have given this old lady much pleasure with your gardens.” and she shuffled back to her house. I’ll never forget it and of course I cried.

When we were at the resort I couldn’t afford plants but all the neighbour brought over plants and bulbs as they thinned out their gardens, one brought over a filing box with tons of different seeds for me to pick from. It was a tough year emotionally, like I said, I did alot of praying. It was the most beautiful garden I’ve ever had.

Gardening is so community minded, it brings people together, gives them something to talk about. A person can be talking by and feel free to say, “Your garden is lovely”. Or gardeners are always so willing to share plants, advice, and ask questions. Somehow a garden removes fences, class distinction, age, and even gender, gardeners are all on the same team.

I missed my gardens this year, I planted gardens last year and got compliments but I didn’t take the time to enjoy them because I was on borrowed time there and was trying to work as much as possible. This year I did plant some, but lack of water took its toll.

I pray that someday I have a tiny place, nothing fancy, I’m easy to please. 400 sq ft would do me just fine, with a fireplace (there is nothing like coming home from a long walk on a brisk fall day and the house is toasty warm from a crackling fire) There are few things more rewarding than getting up in the morning to a cold house and finding a few red embers still in the wood stove because all that’s necessary is to pull ghetto damper and throw on a few dry pieces of wood and in minutes the house is warm again.
I want a kitchen big enough that I can cook a pot of soup or chilli or maybe a pot roast and have a few friends over to share my fire and a bottle of wine.  lots of windows to let the sun shine in and hang crystals in. And a covered porch to hang wind chimes and a wooden rocking chair so I can sit out there even when it rains. One wall of book shelves for all those books I keep moving with me and some day want to read, but they look good until then. 🙂 I love books.

A place I can paint. A freezer I can fill with baking at Christmas and maybe even some cabbage rolls and tourtierre. A bath tub I can fill with bubble bath and keep adding hot water to until I am pink and wrinkly.

And a tiny yard trimmed with gardens.

And never have to move; just grow old there, Grandma’s house. Where my son and grand daughter can come to visit and know there are cookies in the cookie jar and my son will go to the freezer and grab some frozen cookies and I can give him shit for eating them before Christmas.

That is what I pray for. Not much, nothing fancy; not a knight in shining armor to save me, no trips around the world. Just a little bit of heaven on earth. The sun for pardon, the bbirds song for mirth.

What for you pray for?