Tag Archives: ashes

Struggles

I am back! It has been a difficult time for me the past while. I am ordinarily a pretty optimistic person, which has not always worked in my favor when it came to being with James, because I tend to make the best of a situation, it may take me a day or two but I have converted the most horrific dives into homes, or found a way to make ends meet but I think a person gets tired of always finding the positive in every situation and sometimes you just have to feel sorry for yourself. I guess I have been having a pity party, “damn it I don’t want to try any more” attitude.

It felt like the rug was pulled out from under me again and although it has been almost 5 years since James and I split it sent me into a tail spin. Who knows where my life would be if I had stayed with him, but I am pretty damn sure it would be better a hell of a lot better had I never met him and if he hadn’t done his damnest to destroy me financially before we split.

Not getting the funding for school hit me harder than I had anticipated, I was positive I was going to get it and when I didn’t, along with having to walk away from the cabin, and then moving to a place in the heart of where James and I met and then parted ways 10 years later; set me up for a bit of a relapse. You see, where the boat is moored is 5 minutes away from where James used to work and maybe 15 minutes from where we lived when we first met and then moved back to for the last 2 years of our relationship. James got some old war ship for a $1 off Craig’s list years ago and we went on board it and he stripped all the copper out of it, and it was docked at this marina. I have been revisiting old haunts all week, every turn in the road held another memory. I had dealt with the demons when I went back to Mission so I thought I had dealt with the past but being here brought back new demons for me to deal with.  It is getting easier, but I don’t like him being in my head that much, I actually keep thinking I see him in every semi driving by and there is no way he is driving truck in this area. I know he moved away, but my mind is playing tricks on me.

I have done a bit of work on the boat and my brother has had to give me a few quick lessons on emptying the bilge, discharging the black water, filling the water tank, where the breaker box is etc. There is a lot of work to be done on the boat but from a distance it’s not a bad looking boat and I love to fix things up so there is no problem there. There is more than enough room for Stella and I now that I got all the crap off the boat and stored the rest; the only thing I have a problem with is; I am afraid of falling off the boat or Stella falling in. You see, the Fraser River is not the cleanest of rivers and it has a really bad under tow to boot. But Stella has mastered jumping in and out, it only means there is no way I can work outside and let her loose, we have to leave the marina for her to stretch her legs. I can even plant flowers in pots on the wharf and I plan on hanging baskets from the upper deck railing. The people are very friendly and helpful and there is no shortage of single men! I had no idea how many men live on a boat!!

There are some really awesome yachts here and some really scuzzy one’s but everyone is treated the same, if you are on a boat you are “one of the gang”.

There is a free shower facility that is absolutely awesome and so much better than showering in the tiny shower on the boat. Each shower has it’s own little room with a mirror and bench and they are kept immaculate. There is a laundry room and basic cable is free. The only thing missing was the internet and I certainly could not afford to pay for the net, but a few days ago I talked to one of the guys who has the net on his boat and we made a deal where I will pay him $20 to use his internet connection. So after sorting through over 800 emails, I am back!

I am afraid I have not even had the chance to read the comments and if I start to reply to comments I will be forever so I will try to go back and answer any questions but if you don’t get an answer to your question, please ask again.

When I finally got into my email there was a letter from the CEO of the company in charge of my funding for school. I had written the Better Business Bureau and the company complaining about how my file was handled and I heard back from the Better Business Bureau that they were taking on my case and had contacted the company with my complaint and given them until the 17th of April to resolve the issue. But I lost my internet and never heard anything more of course. A week ago the CEO sent me an email asking me to call him, which I did on Friday and I have an appointment to see him this coming Monday. We will see what he has to say, now that I have moved I am out of their jurisdiction but I will keep positive thoughts.

I worked my ass off the past week, moving boxes up and down that damn ramp, emptying the boat of all the crap before I could put my stuff in. I don’t want to have to move again any time soon, I don’t think I could physically. It was the move from hell but I did it. The only thing I need now is some sort of couch to sit on, there is no table or anything to sit on because my brother stripped it out after he got it. It has to be a small couch or something that can be assembled on board because the opening for the sliding door is only 22″ but I find myself spending a whole lot of time in bed because it is the only place comfortable. I am sure something will materialize soon, IKea has one for $200, I know they don’t make the best quality stuff but it would fit, either that or I am going to have to make something.

While unpacking I came across a small box inside a larger box, I couldn’t remember packing it, so when I saw the smaller box I froze, it was right on top of the stuff in the bigger box of last minute things I threw into a box. It was fairly heavy and I slowly opened it to reveal a beautiful vase with a lid taped on top. It was Kato’s ashes. I had never even opened the box containing his ashes, it had just been too painful to lose him. He had been my rock through the worst time of my life and I had never been able to bring myself to spread his ashes. As silly as it may seem I just could not part with him, I had no idea that they had put his ashes in such a lovely urn. All of a sudden I was overtaken with emotion.

Kato was a difficult dog to handle, being dog aggressive and with the health issues he had; but he was my rock. I don’t know how I ever would have made it through sleeping in my truck, living out in the middle of no where, just all the times I held him and cried, all the spiders he killed for me. Stella is not like Kato, she is sweet and I love her to bits, if I outlive her I am sure I will miss her just as much, but she needs me. She relies on me to keep her safe, to provide for her, she is afraid of her own shadow; whereas I needed Kato and he never failed to be there for me and here he was again, in my hands just when I needed him. I don’t think I will ever be able to get rid of his ashes. blk and white Kato

squeaky duck calendar