Tag Archives: assholes

Let’s Set The Record Straight, Right Now!

There are some misconceptions going around that have the potential to be dangerous to unwitting victims of a narcissist.

Twenty years ago no one had even heard of a narcissist and a psychopath was someone depicted as running the Bates Hotel.

I had heard of Narcissist, the fabled guy who fell in love with his own reflection, but he was a joke, not to be feared.

After leaving my ex I was determined to figure out what happened to me and warn others.

There really wasn’t much information out there about narcissists and what I could find was vague and didn’t seem like my ex. One of the reasons I had fallen in love with my ex was the fact that he wasn’t a braggard. I had dated egomaniacs before and they never lasted long. I could not stand a guy who had to put a price on everything, interrupt people and be the center of attention. You know the guy, the one telling off color jokes at the top of his lungs, the used car salesman stereotype, the sleazeball leaning against the cigarette machine with his shirt undone to his navel with a gold chain and hitting on all the women. I never understood how they got women.

Or the guys in the gym who can’t walk past a mirror without flexing, or the highschool jock who has girls flocking at his feet. No fear of me ever falling for someone like that! As for a guy controlling what I wear, who my friends are, or when I go out; that was downright laughable!!

I was reading a post on a victims of a narcissist support site and some woman was saying she has learned to co-exist with her narcissistic husband. According to her, she knew exactly how to “handle” him. When I hear anyone say they know how to “handle” a narcissist and they can co-exist peacefully, I know one of three things is going on,

1. they are not with a narcissist

2. they are deep in denial

3. The narcissist has not revealed his true colors yet

She was defensive and told me she had done lots of research and knew what she was talking about. She related a story of a friend who’s husband was so selfish he filled the garage with all his “toys” and the wife could not park her car in the garage in winter and said, she would never presume to tell this friend to leave her husband and find someone better.

I would hope the hell not!! If that is the worst the woman has to deal with she should consider herself lucky.

This woman has a very warped definition of a narcissist!! Narcissists are NOT benign!!

It seems to me calling someone a narcissist has become the “in” thing to do. Everyone who has had a bad experience of any kind, been rejected by a man, or been with an inconsiderate man, is quick to label them a narcissist. The self righteous, “I am woman hear me roar” women will tell you they know how to deal with a narcissist. They tell a man what they think, they never let a man walk all over them. They aren’t a doormat.

Let me be very clear, narcissist is NOT the new age term for asshole.

If you sleep with a man even though he refuses to commit, you are making a conscious decision to have sex with a man without a commitment. If a man is honest enough to tell you, “I don’t love you”, “I don’t want a commitment”, “I don’t want to ever get married” believe him! Don’t assume you are going to win his love by being a doormat.

If a man falls out of love with you, it’s gonna hurt, but it happens, deal with it, it does not make him a narcissist.

Now, what does make him a narcissist?

The DSM 5, used to diagnose personality disorders, says at least 5 of these symptoms must exist:

    • A grandiose sense of self-importance

    • A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

    • A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions

    • A need for excessive admiration

    • A sense of entitlement

    • Interpersonally exploitive behavior

    • A lack of empathy

    • Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her

  • A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

In a proposed alternative model cited in DSM-5, NPD is characterized by moderate or greater impairment in personality functioning, manifested by characteristic difficulties in 2 or more of the following 4 areas [2] :

    • Identity

    • Self-direction

    • Empathy

  • Intimacy


It still sounds rather obscure and benign if you don’t fully understand how these traits manifest themselves.

Besides, by the time a victim goes looking for answers to “what the hell is happening?” They are in so deep it can be almost impossible to safely leave the relationship.

Any normal halfway intelligent woman wouldn’t date a narcissist if they saw him without his mask on the first date or two. When you meet the narcissist he is nothing like the description above, in fact he probably seems the exact opposite.

It isn’t even possible to describe how to a pick a narcissist out of the crowd or say what kind of woman they are attracted to because they morph into the victim’s perfect partner. They don’t have a “type” of woman, every woman they meet, regardless of age, looks, economic status, or religious beliefs is assessed for their value to the narcissist. Not every woman will fall for them but that is of little consequence to the narcissist because he has so many women in various stages of falling for his act he always has one or two ready to step into the role of his main supply.

He will use women for whatever he sees of benefit to him. One might provide a roof over his head, another could give him prestige, or a desired job, it could be simply a sexual relationship.

The one thing all the women will have in common is they will all think they are special to the narcissist and that he is totally in love with her alone. They will all think they know him better than anyone else and not have a clue who he really is. Most women find out exactly how little they knew about him after the relationship ends.

Before we go any further, let me clarify some misconceptions about narcissist. The mental health professionals can’t even agree on many aspects of narcissism. There is controversy about how dangerous they are, if they can be “healed” and how someone becomes a narcissist.

Some quick facts:

Not all narcissists were abused as children. I believe many of them were simply because they were narcissists and the parents were trying to teach them right from wrong. There can be numerous children in a family raised by the same two parents in the exact same way and one of them will be a narcissist and different from birth, always lying, breaking rules, blaming their siblings, getting in trouble in school etc

Brain scans have been done that prove narcissist and psychopath’s brains never develop the ability to feel empathy or guilt. Consequently, they can not be healed, not with therapy or by your magical love.

People will tell you narcissists aren’t dangerous. But recent research is showing otherwise. All psychopaths are narcissistic. They say narcissists don’t murder people, only psychopaths do that. If they both display the exact same traits how does a lay person distinguish between the two. A narcissist is just a psychopath who hasn’t killed yet.

There are three personality disorders that are considered the most dangerous; psychopathy, sociopathy, and narcissism. The reason they are so dangerous is because they are the only disorders that lack a conscience. Think about it; without a conscience what stops a person from doing whatever they want whenever they want. Most of us have been so angry at someone at some point in our lives that we thought, “I could kill the bastard”; but we don’t! Because we know our conscience wouldn’t allow it. We may see something we like and think, “I really want that”, but we don’t steal it because we would feel too guilty, or we would think Karma would get us, or God, or we know how we would feel if someone stole from us. A narcissist doesn’t have those filters. He wants it, he takes it, without any guilt, in fact he feels entitled to take it.

Therapy doesn’t help a narcissist, except to help him be better at being a narcissist. Counselling only provides the narcissist with more information he can use to manipulate his victims and improve his acting skills.

Narcissists will tell you that they aren’t dangerous or even that evil. I have been told by narcissists that I am describing a psychopath, psychopaths say I am describing a sociopath or narcissist, the sociopath says, “Not ME! You are talking about narcissists!

One of the leading traits of a narcissist is that they are pathological liars. Why would you believe anything they say?

I heard a long time ago,

“If a narcissist’s lips are moving, he’s lying.”

Which is another reason therapy doesn’t help them and why therapists don’t agree on the cause, motives, and severity of narcissism; they never get a straight answer from the narcissist.

They are academy award worthy actors. They knew at a very young age they were different than everyone else, so they learned to imitate the emotions of those around them in order to fit in and go undetected. They learned that acting the way they wanted got them in trouble and worked against them. They are usually highly intelligent so figure out they get much further if they pretend to be like everyone else. That is where upbringing plays a major role in how they present themselves, and some are more sophisticated than others.

Look! I don’t really care what label you put on them, there is a type of person out there in the world destroying lives and they all follow the same m.o. The Diagnostic Manual wants to put narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths under the same classification and call them Antisocial Disorder.

People want to break it down even further to Malignant, Covert, Cerebral, and Somatic Narcissist. As far as I am concerned, we give the narcissist far too much attention as it is. A narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist.

We go looking for answers so we can put our experience, the narcissist in a nice little box and file it away. We think if we can figure out how the narcissist ticks and why he does the things he does, it will help us heal, give us closure.

We think he can give us answers for why he wants to destroy us, the one who loved him unconditionally. Because we do have a conscience, empathy and guilt, we know that for us to treat people that way we would have had to have something truly horrible happen to us. No one acts that way without reason.

You are wrong, narcissists treat people that way without any justification…..because they are narcissists. They know they “hurt” people, but without the ability to feel empathy, hurt, is just a word. Love, is a word they use to manipulate their victims, they have no idea how it feels to truly love someone. In order to truly love someone you have to feel empathy.

Now don’t go crying for the narcissist, feeling sorry for the poor guy who will never know how it feels to love and be loved, doomed to live a lonely loveless life and die alone.

The narcissist actually feels superior to the rest of society. He sees feelings as what makes people weak, it is the thing that enables him to victimize so many people. Why would he want to be like his victims? He thinks his victims are stupid and weak so deserve to be used by him. Every time a victim forgives him he is more disgusted with their gullibility to believe his lies yet again!

So how can you protect yourself? You don’t want to be suspicious all the time. If they are such good actors how on earth can you know until it’s too late? It’s really very simple.

They all seem perfect at first. Not perfect for everyone, but perfect for you.

They think you are perfect, where have you been all their life? They have never known love like the love they have with you.

They push for sex early.

It’s a whirlwind romance. Him rushing to live together or get married. Talking about having kids etc.

He will try to get you to quit your job, move to a new town somehow make you dependent on him.

He usually keeps you away from his family somehow. They are vicious addicts, have always abused his good nature or they don’t like you.

He will point out how disrespectful your kids are to you. How your family doesn’t appreciate you. He just wants to protect you. You are always taking care of everyone else. There probably is a smidgen of truth to it too.

All his ex’s were psycho bitches that are out to get him and destroy him. He will forbid you to talk to them because they will try to turn you against him.

You will discover some lie early on and he will down play it, beg forgiveness and promise it will never happen again.

He will more than likely have money tied up somehow and will try to borrow a bit until the big payoff comes through. He will have money to wine and dine you at first though. He is getting it off some other sucker.

He might have questionable work ethics or credentials.

Often he is new to town so has no long term friends you can meet, he becomes friends with your friends.

Sex is intense and frequent, at first.

Then, all of a sudden, like a switch went off; he is moody, critical, flies into a rage over nothing and you are shocked, don’t understand what you did wrong. He might disappear for days at a time. He will pick a fight and not call or answer your calls for days and then pop back into your life like nothing happened.

If you try to break up with him, he will cry and beg you to give him another chance but things quickly go back to him being moody and angry all the time.

None of this is normal behavior and this is when you exit stage left and cut off all communication. You can NOT talk to him because he will put doubt in your mind. Trust your gut that is telling you something is not right.

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Self Worth – You Are Not Who Loves You

You are not who loves you.

Think about that.

Let it sink in.

You, Are. Not. Who. Loves. You.

self worth

I answer questions on Quora, many of them are about narcissists but many of the questions people ask me are basic relationship questions and most of them are coming from young people. When I say young people, I am meaning anyone under 30. (30 is young when you are almost 60). When I was that age I asked the same questions, I remember spending hours with a girlfriend dissecting what a guy meant when he did this or that. What he meant when he said this or that. Trying to figure out if he liked me or not.

We also spent a lot of time crying about what an asshole a guy was and how he had hurt us only to be ecstatic an hour later when he called to ask us out.

Sound familiar?

Know-your-self-worth-ladies

I don’t know what guys do, do they sit around worrying what a girl meant when she said something? I just don’t think they do it as much as women do. I have heard men talking to their buddy who has a broken heart and it usually involved drinking and getting laid. Which is going to end up with a girl sitting with her girl friends trying to figure out if he likes her or not.

What women end up doing is basing their relationships on the advice given by women who are the same age, with the same experience, and the same knowledge as them, guessing  about what a guy is feeling.

Can you see why this is dangerous and absolute insanity?

When a girl asks me what I think a guy meant when he did something my reply is,

“Who cares why he did it. How did you feel when he did it?”

Whether a guy is a narcissist or not, it is dangerous to try to figure out why he did what he did; or said what he said. The only sure way of knowing if he is the guy for you is how do you feel about it, him, the situation?

Part of the big attraction to the narcissist is that in the beginning there is no question of what he meant by this or that because the narcissist is so into you and is telling you all the time how perfect you are and that he loves you and he is showing up and you don’t have to guess if he is dating anyone else because he is always with you, always wants to see you. You don’t have to guess if he likes you, which makes him awfully appealing. He thinks you are a valuable person and that feels good! Everyone wants to be loved and accepted and of course it is going to make anyone feel good, whether it is a boy or a friend, we all want to be liked.

But if you are NOT liked, it does not devalue you or mean you are “less than”. it simply means that for whatever reason that person does not like you. Maybe they are flawed and unable to care for someone but we never consider that; We always take it to mean there is something wrong with us.

If I was to start dating again or if I had a daughter who was just starting to date I would tell her to stop guessing, stop analyzing and start listening to her gut. Take what the guy says and does at face value, stop adding value to it, stop projecting, stop guessing and just accept it at that moment. He took you for dinner and you had a good time, he said he had a good time, assume he meant it. Then see if he calls, if he does, accept the date if you want, if you want but if you don’t want, don’t! It is not going to kill you to stay home on a Saturday night, it does not mean you are not valuable as a woman if you don’t have a date, it means you are picky and don’t want to waste your time spending it with someone you don’t really like.

So many times women will say, he did something that bothered me but I let it slide because we had just started dating. I am not saying you need to dump a guy the first time he says something a little hurtful, or the first time he cancels a date or is late and when you first start dating someone they might be dating other women. That is normal, BUT if it is a recurring problem and he has committed to you and continues to date then you have to stop competing for his attention and wonder if he is the guy for you.

I know that a large part of why I fell in love with James is because he loved me so much. It is hard to walk away from someone who loves you that much. It was nice to never wonder if he was going to call or not, it bothered me that he called so often! but I thought I was being too picky, here I had this guy who was nuts for me, I should just be thankful. NO, I should have listened to my gut that was telling me he was calling too much and I needed more time. When I told him I was staying home for the night and he called and begged me to come to his place or he told me his friend was only in town for one day and he really wanted me to meet this friend I should have listened to my gut that said, “No you want to stay home tonight.”  I am not saying you never compromise but if every time you have plans without him and he finds a way of getting you to change your plans (even if it is a compliment that he wants to spend time with you) there is an imbalance of power happening, you are being controlled in a subtle way. It is hard to see control when it is presented in such a way that it is a compliment. If he said, ” I forbid you to do your own thing tonight, you must spend your time with me” it would be easy to see he is controlling you and it would be easy to justify not seeing him any more. But you know that if you went to your girl friends and said, “I wanted to stay home but he asked me out, what should I do?” They are going to tell you to go on the date, don’t be a stick in the mud, the guy likes you for God’s sake! Don’t refuse him, he might not ask again!

Women are especially bad for assessing each other’s worth by the men in their lives. I don’t think men do that to women as much as women do it to themselves. A woman sees a man with another woman and he hits on them they see themselves as having more value than the other woman. They are complemented and feel special and superior to the other woman.

Men on the other hand, usually (because nothing is ever always) stay clear of another man’s woman. If a man hits on a woman in a bar and her boyfriend walks up, the guy will usually say, “Oh sorry man, I didn’t know she had a boyfriend.” I have always had an unwritten rule about not dating any woman’s man and certainly never date a girl friend’s man, even ex boyfriends are off-limits. But a lot of women will walk right over the other woman to get the man, friendship? loyalty? right out the window if it means you get a man out of the deal. THAT does not give you value, it makes you a bitch with low self-esteem in my mind, AND it tells you a whole lot about the kind of man HE is. If he can do it to her, he will do it to you; he is not a loyal trust worthy person.

Another question I get is, “Should I be angry he did this or that?”

Here is a real life example of what I mean:

I have never had a problem with a guy going to see strippers, I figure he comes home to me, he is in  a bar with a bunch of guys, the stripper is not having sex with all those guys so I figure it is probably one of the safest places for him to be actually. But I have a friend who is extremely bothered if her man goes to see strippers, like I mean beside herself, it causes her real anxiety.
Whether I think she is right or wrong is irrelevant, whether he thinks she is right or wrong, is irrelevant, what IS relevant is she has great anxiety over him going to see strippers.  Now this should be a non issue in my mind. If he loves her and doesn’t want to cause her great anxiety, he will give up going to see strippers. BUT if not going to see strippers causes him anxiety then he needs to find someone who doesn’t care if he goes to see strippers.  In my mind she should win over the strippers or he just does not care that much.

What happened was he said he would stop going to strippers and lied and did it anyway. She found out and they fought, this went on for years, she would get upset, he would say he would stop he would lie sneak to see the strippers and she would be suspicious every time he didn’t answer the phone or went out without her, he would get angry because she was always suspicious, she would get more suspicious because he would get more secretive. They were always fighting, about her snooping, about him lying, she was always unhappy.

This happened before I met James and my advice to her was, “If he cares so little for your feelings that he can’t give up the strippers for you, he doesn’t love you. It doesn’t matter if he thinks your feelings are right or wrong, it is what you feel. Either he can live with that or you have to learn to accept that he goes to see strippers but YOU have to make a decision. He has made his decision, he has chosen the strippers over what you need from him. So now you have to choose to live with it or walk away.”

I was pretty smart back then, but up until then I had never been with a man who didn’t respect my boundaries. If I would have followed my own advice when I met James I would have walked away in the first year.

What it all boils down to…………………assessing our value by what a man thinks of us and not by who we are.

This video has an excellent message everyone should listen to. I wish it was played everyday in school because if there is one lesson everyone needs to learn it is to value yourself always. If we all valued ourselves the narcissists in the world would have no one to feed off.

self worth 2

It says to live true to yourself. So what does that mean for a person like a narcissist, then he will continue to be an uncaring asshole! Yep, you are right, the assholes would still be assholes but they wouldn’t be able to do the damage they do because we wouldn’t be trying to gain their approval, they would have to be assholes all alone because we would value ourselves too much to get sucked into their game. See, we wouldn’t care they were assholes, we wouldn’t try to change them, we would just accept they are assholes and move along. We wouldn’t analyze what they meant by that or guess if they like us, because we would have moved along because we value ourselves and our time. We would not be wasting our precious time and efforts on someone who does not value us the way we should be valued. Assholes would be a non issue.

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