Tag Archives: Being a Single Mom

Challenges and rewards of being a single mom

Happy Birthday Jason Alan

I don’t have anything to say; yet could write volumes.

I have no expectations; only hopes and dreams for you.

I don’t know you; but I love you.

Happy 37th Birthday Jason Alan

With Love your Birth Mom

Doing The Right Thing Should Be Easy

James insisted he had grabbed the chain out of Kris’s hand. I told him I didn’t know what to believe. He asked me to at least check out what he was telling me and I promised I would.

I picked Kris up from the hospital the next morning and I told him I had talked to James and heard the messages he had sent.

I was angry, I had specifically told him to not start anything and had asked him why he needed my phone when he borrowed it that night and he had lied to me.

I was angrier at myself, I felt guilty for dragging my son into my mess. I knew he would feel the need to protect his momma. I had a feeling in my gut when we pulled up that something wasn’t right. I had only given in and let him come home with me to avoid arguing with him; I had wanted to be alone. Now it was a huge mess and I could have prevented it all.(mind you, in retrospect James definitely had something planned when he started putting all the lights on his truck and had been very intimidating that night. Who knows what would have happened if I would have gone home alone.)

Kris admitted the chain was the chain he used to lock his bike up and he had hooked it onto his belt loop of his pants. The knife was the one that his dad had given him that he always packed. It had been in the pocket of his cargo pants and must have fallen out in the fight.

I told him he had to go to the police and tell the truth, he flatly refused. I told him that if he lied in court he would be charged with purgery and besides I had always taught him to be honest.

From the time he was wee that had been the one thing I always harped on with him; always tell the truth, as long as you are honest things will work out and you never get in as much trouble as if you are caught lying.

He would not change his mind and I told him that I would not lie for him in court. He said I didn’t have to lie; just tell them what I saw. I said I can’t do that; I know the truth now and to pretend I don’t would be lying. I just could not lie; not even for my son; it went against everything I stood for, I was heartsick. 

I went to meet James secretly a couple of times and told him Kris refused to change his testimony but told him to give Kris time to think about it. If he didn’t change his mind in a couple of days I would go to the cops and tell them what I knew. Of course I was too stupid to realize James was being so loving and understanding because he was orchestrating his defense.

Out of the blue Kris asked if he could talk to James, he wanted to apologize. I called James and he agreed to meet us. Kris got out of my car and shook James hand and apologized for the messages and the fight and James did the same, I thought we were getting somewhere but when Kris got back in the car he still refused to go to the police with the truth. 

I called the police and told the officer who had been there that night that I had new information and that my son had confessed to me it was his knife and chain. He said to save it for court. I said why wait? Why waste taxpayer dollars going to court when it could all be sorted out now. He refused to take my statement. I decided to write Crown Counsel myself explaining the whole situation.

By this time I had moved into an apartment in Abbotsford and had started full time college.  My son was not supposed to be living with me. When he had come back from Calgary it was supposed to be for a few weeks until he got a job and saved for a place. I was on a very limited student government grant to upgrade my skills; it wasn’t enough for me to live on let alone support Kris. When he quit school in Grade 10 I had told him he’d better get a job because if he wasn’t in school I was not supporting him.
He was hanging with a bad crowd, bringing them back to the apartment while I was in school and the neighbors were complaining. The landlady warned me that he had to move out or I would be evicted; so I told him he had to get out.

James and I were seeing each other again (something I am not proud of and I am sure contributed to Kris’s attitude, I packed guilt about it for years, I apologized to Kris and he forgave me long before I could forgive myself. I have forgiven myself finally. I did the best I could and I screwed up, but my guilt was keeping me from being the best mom I could be, now! I had to let it go)

I wrote my letter to crown counsel and James had written his. The first statement I wrote put all the blame on James the 2nd one laid it on Kris and was heavily influenced by James, in the 3rd and final I laid the blame on myself, saying I should not have told Kris anything to begin with or had Kris come home with me that night. I should have been more aware of what he was doing that night with my phone and basically just stated the facts surrounding that night. James was not happy with my revised version and tried to pressure me into changing it but I refused. Once again, I was sticking to the belief that the truth was the best way to deal with it.

I had my statement typed, signed, and in a sealed envelope on the counter, James was taking his in and offered to take mine at the same time.

A few days later James took me for breakfast and we had a really good talk. I went to school very positive about us. We got out of class early that day and I was anxious to get home to James. When I got to the apartment his truck was parked out front loaded with his stuff from the apartment and with things he had given me; like a TV. He was pulling away when I ran up to the truck and asked what he was doing. He said it was over, he was moving into a warehouse, it was never going to work out between us and that was it. I was devastated, dazed, confused standing there in the parking lot crying as he drove away. I could barely function, went up to the apartment and Kris was on the couch sleeping, he hadn’t even woken up with James moving.

James was so cold and matter of fact about it ending and at this point I still believed he was honest. I admit I grovelled for another chance, I promised to change, I said I would take the relationship on his terms, anything just don’t end it. We spent a couple of nights together at the warehouse and when I went back to the apartment after school I couldn’t open the door; the locks had been changed.

It was a Friday and my landlady didn’t answer her phone, I had no idea where Kris was or what had happened. The door jamb was broken so obviously someone had kicked the door in. I found him at a friends. He told me that when he moved out he took the handheld phone and was able to buzz himself in. He kicked the door open and went to sleep in the lazyboy chair. He didn’t know how long he had been asleep/passed out when he was woken up by someone kicking the chair. He grabbed a pair of scissors and was brandeshing them when he realized it was the landlady and a cop standing there. He told them I had packed up and left him there. They believed him, didn’t call me, gave him ten minutes to pack up his clothes, kicked him out and changed the locks.

Yes I know she couldn’t legally do that but she did and I lost everything because she gave me a one chance to get my things and James didn’t show up with the truck.

I called Crown counsel and they said they never received my statement so I called the police officer and he said he had it in the file at the police station. I told him Crown would look at it and he said it could wait until court.

I was totally frustrated by the police, I felt like they were playing games. The night of the fight one officer took Kris and my statement and another officer took James’s. They had asked James for his address and he had given his buddy’s address in the resort. He was  told that if he wasn’t at that address he would be arrested for being in breach of his conditions for release. I was told that he was not to be in the park and if he was seen in the park to call them and he would be arrested. I had called the police many times to ask if he was allowed in the park and no one could give me an answer. The attending cop went from 4 days off to being on vacation. So Kris and I thought James was purposely harassing us when in fact he had to be at the resort. Mind you he did follow us and he did intimidate us with the bright headlights etc. But the whole situation was escalated by the cops not commumicating. Finally the night JC was escorted to get his things was the first time he was told to not come back, even to visit friends.

The whole situation was out of control and the police seemed to be enjoying the show.

The way the whole thing was handled was unprofessional, disorganized, and instead of difusing the situation the police contributed to emotions esculating to dangerous levels. Not once was I contacted by victim services or someone from a Domestic Violence support group, my concerns were literally laughed at by the police. And JC was revelliing in the fact that he had managed to turn things in his favor again. I knew he had a restraining order put on him years prior by the girl that had his baby and I told the police to check his file in Alberta. They said nothing showed up, but I found out later that a person can pay $400 and have their record sealed.

Jason Alan’s Birthday

It’s coming up to that time of year again; September 19th. It is kinda hard to tell lately but usually I go into a bit of a depressed, teary state the closer Sept 19th gets. It has always been the time of year that I make big changes; like my own new years. For years if I was going to break up with someone, move, change jobs; I did it some time near the end of September.

He’ll be turning 37; far from a little boy, he probably has kids of his own. I pray he isn’t like his biological father, I hope he has a tender heart and is a good person. I really hope his parents loved him and he knows he is loved. I wonder if he looks anything like me and if I would recognize him.

I had a very strange thing happen about a month ago. As we all do from time to time, I checked how many followers I have and then checked who they were. I was scrolling down the list and 6 months ago a Jason Alan started following my blog. I would have picked up on that name immediately had I seen it when he signed up but he didn’t use that name when he signed up to follow me; he used something like ” the madpoet” and I remember seeing that name.

Anyway, of course I was very curious so I checked out his blog ” Jasonalanwriter” . His profile didn’t hold any revealing info so I started to read one of his posts. In the post he was talking about being in grade 3 in 1985. I thought; ok a person is 6 when they start grade 1, his birthday is in September so he would have either started school at the age of 5 or if he started at age 6 he would have turned 7 in grade 1 and been 10 in grade 3. Now I had to find out more so I Googled his name and found his FB where he has his birthday listed. I was September 1975 but not the 19th (I believe it was the 12th, to be honest once I saw it wasn’t the 19th any other date really was of no consequence) and it said he was born and raised in Texas.

I was told that the people who adopted my Jason were university teachers in Vancouver. I suppose they could have moved to Texas but of course my Jason was born in Chilliwack. They had said they were going to tell him he was adopted and they had liked his name and were going to keep it. They were also going to send pictures and didn’t, so who knows. That many years ago a girl didn’t have much say in what happened to her baby.

I have one well worn piece of paper where I signed him over to child services and a card from one of the nuns from a home for unwed mothers packed away in storage and that is all I have as far as a keepsakes of his birth.

It certainly got my heart racing though. It got me thinking too; what if it had been him? There was a time I would have been proud to say “I am your birth mother”, but right now, for him to meet me would be hard. For him and me. When Kris and I lived at the lake I envisioned us meeting, or when I had the house in Chilliwack, but since I met James there were few times I was comfortable with where we lived.

I was proud of where I was at in 2008, before I went back to James. I could have sat down with my stranger son and discussed my life and it would have been believable and I think would have shown his momma was a fighter, but you know; to explain how I got where I am right now sounds unbelievable to my own ears. I can only imagine how it would sound to him.

When James told me about meeting his birth mom he talked about how his grandma, aunt and mom had always looked for him; how welcome he felt; what a great experience it was. There would be only Kris and I.

When I gave him up for adoption everyone closed the book, except me.

When Kris was wee, long before I told him about Jason; he used to ask me where his brother was. I remember when he was about 4 he had asked where his brother was and I had said he didn’t have one and he got angry and said he most certainly did.

I think alot of people are psychic and as we get older we block it out. Kris often said things that “didn’t make sense at the time” like one time he asked me what happened to the white car. I asked what white car.
Kris – The white car we had before the red car.
Me – what red car?
Kris getting just as exasperated as me – You know!, the we had s white car and then we had a red car; what happened to the white car, I liked it better.
Me – Kris we have never had a white car or a red car. Is this a story?
Kris – forget it mom.

We had a burgundy Reliant K car at the time; the same one Victor bought just before his accident. About 6 months after Kris and my conversation about white cars and red cars the Reliant died and I bought a new car – a white Nissan Sentra. I loved that car! It was a 1988 SE and fully loaded, it was a new car with only 80 km on it but I bought it at the end of 1988 so I got a really good deal on it.

I had just picked Kris up from daycare about 2 months after we got it and we were T-boned at an intersection and the car was totalled. Luckily I had gotten replacement insurance so ICBC had to find me one exactly like it. There wasn’t another one in all of Canada so they ended up getting me a Red 1989 Nissan Sentra. Kris unwittingly had predicted the future.

So when he asked about a brother I knew he “felt” his brother’s existence. I hadn’t wanted to tell him about Jason until he was old enough to understand the circumstances and that I wouldn’t “give him away” too. I think he was about 8 or 9 when I told him and he hadn’t been surprised at all and just said, “I KNEW it, I told you!”

I hope he has had a good life, I have a feeling he did; certainly better than the life I would have been able to provide at that age. I remember the day he was born as clearly as if it was yesterday.

Where did the time go? So much has happened since then yet when I think its been 37 years its hard to believe.