Tag Archives: being single

Getting your life back after leaving a narcissist partner.

Oh So Ya Wanna Hear?

Well, last Saturday was a pretty shitty day all in all. I was going to do the flea market. (I found these really cool clothing display racks behind the mall in Langley, I would put a picture if my camera worked on my new phone, but that’s another issue and I’m already juggling 2 and not even done the first paragraph! Any way that’s where I met Tyler, a homeless guy that I disrupted when I went to look at these racks. Nice young fellow, been on the streets since he was about 13, he’s 21 now. But I’ll give him his own post later.)

Where was I? Oh right, the clothing display racks that fold up so neat, perfect for someone who sells clothes at the flea market. So I was loading them and other stuff for the flea market Saturday and I got a call from a guy who saw my ad selling my other truck, the 91 GMC. He knows the truck from seeing me at Amix, he has cash and he wants to buy it. So I spend my last $20 on fuel to get down to Surrey and he doesn’t show up. I didn’t have enough fuel to get home, hadn’t had a smoke since 9 in the morning cuz I was out and broke.

I made it to the flea market and every one is starting to pack up so I pulled right in beside an old friend who I just ran into last week after 6 years. Oh! Yeah! I wanted to talk to him because last weekend when I ran into him he had said there was an empty RV spot where he lives and I think I can get a fixer upper trailer for free. Another side issue I’ll discuss at another time.

Annyyyywaaaay, this guy walks up and asks if I am setting up to sell and I said no, I want to talk to my friend and see if he wants to buy one of these racks off me. He said how long are you going to be and I said I didn’t know; was there a problem?

He said if I was setting up to sell I had to pay $10, I said I wasn’t selling, every one is packing up.

My friend didn’t want the racks and neither did anyone else but a woman walked past and liked a big picture frame I had on the truck so I sold it to her for $10 and took the dogs for a long walk. When I got back there was a pizza box stuck on my windshield with a note written on it from that guy, saying I owed him $10 because I sold something. Oh for the love of God!  now my friend was upset because the guy came down on him about me selling something. Sheeeesh now I probably won’t get the RV site. Oh well.

I put the $10 into fuel for my truck and headed to Mission, I was going down the road where all the 2nd hand stores are and one was open, Belle’s, she’s been around forever and has a little bit of everything in her store. It is much too crowded for the clothing racks but I had a few old window frames, and an old typewriter she bought for $20.  I told the kids Momma’s got money!!!

I think they thought I said let’s go for a walk because they got up and were wagging their tails looking at me expectantly. I told them first Momma has to buy smokes. I pulled into a little plaza at the end of town, there’s a corner store and a liquor store there. I was going to back into my parking stall but there was a nice looking grey car with two men in it who had just left the liquor store leaving so I motioned for them to go ahead and I’d wait. I went in and bought myself 1 Mike’s Hard Lemonade and a pack of smokes and then took the puppies for a good long walk to the other end of town and back. Kato was dragging his butt at the end so I left him behind and got the truck. My phone was ringing but I was too busy getting Kato in the truck to answer and forgot to even check for a message. Then I got a text message that said……
Mysteryman- Just saw you at liquor store. You married? Attached?
Me – I’m single. I don’t remember seeing anyone at the liquor store.
MM – silver car, you were backing in, then I saw you walking. Anyway I liked what I saw! 🙂
Me – oh ok thank you walking:)
MM – Buy you a drink?
Me – That would be nice.
MM – xxxxxx Pub 9? Or somewhere else…..
Me – oh! You meant tonight! I have plans tonight.
MM – My name is xxxxxx and I never contacted anyone like this before. Very spur of the moment. Your number was on your door.

MM – Another time then?
Me – Hi xxxxxx lol sure you’ve never done this before that’s what they all say! Just kidding. I’ve never done been asked out like this before either. Another time would be great. Do you live locally?

MM – I do and usually quite shy Haha what’s your name Lady Witha Truck?
Me – Oh I thought you would have gotten that off the truck too. It’s Carrie.
MM – wasn’t looking much at the truck.
MM – what are you doing tonight? I know you got beer. So do I!
Me – I bought Mike’s and I’m going to a girlfriends to get silly.
MM – you already sound silly. Text me on your way home. We can have a drink under the stars. PS come home early!
Me – lol I don’t take orders well. Besides early is subjective.
MM – lol !! I like that. Try me anyway.
Two hours later.
MM – offer for beer under the stars still stands. Unless it rains. 🙂

I was at my g/f’s until almost 4 am. So of course I didn’t text him; doubt I would have even if I would have been early. I certainly wasn’t going to ditch my g/f for a drink with a stranger. (I wouldn’t ditch a g/f for any guy, that’s rude)

I was very complimented though. I haven’t heard from him since. The thing for him to have done was ask me out a day or two ahead. So I guess that’s that.

But it put a smile on my face and I think I must look ok in my skinny jeans. LOL. Maybe I still got it?

Why Was I Attracted To The Narcissist ?

Not long ago a fellow named Tom commented on my page, “Playing With The Cards I’m Dealt”

He said that the victims have to look at their part in the relationship especially what attracted them to the narcissistic and why they stayed, like Tom said, “the guy didn’t pack you off, tie you up and keep you prisoner.” That is a very common opinion of people who have never experienced abuse first hand. It is a factual statement, none of us were physically shackled.

It is true that some women get involved with one abusive man after another and they really do need to look at what they are getting from that type of relationship.

But, correct me if I am wrong; most women who have been in a relationship with a narcissistic/psychopath had never been in an abusive relationship before. I am not saying the victim has no responsibility in the relationship; as I said in my Last Letter of Thanks To JC, I take responsibility for the relationship going on far too long.

So I thought I’d share in a little more detail how JC and I met and why I was so attracted to him.
I was building to that with my posts about the baby I gave up for adoption in 1975, my first husband’s motorcycle accident and my son, Kris’s birth and then got sidetracked. I really hate to leave things 1/2 done and Tom’s question has motivated me to wrap it all up.

First of all I wanted to finish up the story about my first marriage, Victor got out of the trauma unit and was in a ward for another 2 1/2 months. When he came home he still required alot of care, dressing changes, etc. He didn’t remembered any of his time in ICU. I was drained and needed nurturing myself, Victor just could not understand. My dream to have a baby I could keep and bring home to a loving family had been dangled in front of me and then snatched when Victor had his accident.
I needed to go back to work, Victor burying himself in booze, I just couldn’t handle it and we split up. We carried a torch for each other for many years and I knew I would never love anyone like I had loved Victor, in my heart he was my one true love. When Kris was 2 they couldn’t hold off any longer and I had to have a hysterectomy. I remarried, twice; the first time I knew I didn’t really love the guy but he was good to Kris and Kris needed a daddy ,(stupid of me to marry someone for that reason I know that now) before our 1st anniversary we were split because the guy wanted me to ship Kris off to his dads. I married again years later and won’t bore you with the details, but we still keep in touch and probably should have just been friends and never married.

Through the years after my first marriage broke up I went to counselling to deal with issues from my childhood, I took effective communication courses, joined a gym and over came an eating disorder, basically I worked on myself.

I had worked very hard and by 1998, at the age of 40 had $20,000 in retirement saving, a $200,000 beautiful home and an excellent credit rating. Due to circumstances beyond my control, some stupid choices on my part, a bad economy and my ex I lost everything and was starting over at 42.

I had been dating a bit, had a profile on POF but hadn’t met anyone I wanted to continue seeing and had made the decision to just be single for awhile and had not accepted any more dates. There was one fellow, a lawyer, who was very persistent about wanting to meet so I agreed to meet him for a drink. He had sent his picture but I had deleted it and only had a vague idea what he looked like. I didn’t want to admit I had deleted his picture and figured we were meeting on a Wednesday evening, how many guys would be single in the bar and looking like they were looking for someone? I was sure I’d be able to pick him out.

I had come from booking the staff Christmas party at a nice restaurant and went to wait for him at the agreed upon bar. He was stuck in traffic so I ordered a glass of wine, then another, he still hadn’t arrived so I went out on the patio to have a smoke, keeping my eye on the door should he walk in. Then a nicely dressed fellow walked in, jeans, nice crisp white shirt, black leather bomber type jacket, glasses, short tight curly hair; and he was scanning the room like he was looking for someone. I thought to myself, “He’s much better looking than I had thought.” I started to walk in his direction, I knew I was looking good. I had on a short tight skirt, 3 inch pumps that made me 6’2″ I had long sun bleached hair that I kept in a style my brother called my “FF look” (freshly fucked ) I was smiling, our eyes met and he smiled back. It must be him I thought and started to put my arms out to give him a hug but just before I got to him I realized, no!! it can’t be him! This guy is much younger and I turned and went to sit at my table. I felt like an idiot, the guy must be wondering what the hell was that all about? I was looking out the window wishing the mother ship would beam me out of there when I heard,”can I buy you a drink or are you waiting for. someone?” I turned and was looking at a man’s crotch, my eyes travelled up catching a glimpse of a slightly hairy chest where his shirt was undone, I could feel myself starting to blush and as our eyes met I stammered I was waiting for someone. He smiled and said,” I figured as much but I had to ask, have nice night” and went back to his table. “Nice bum” I thought.

I had to use the washroom and walked past his table on the way, he smiled, and kinda gave me a little wave, he seemed sort of shy. I walked past him again going back to my table but I turned and went back to his table.
Me; “I think I owe you an explanation as to why I almost hugged you and then walked away and sat down.” so I explained the whole story of how I was on this internet dating site and I was meeting this guy, had thrown his picture away and he looked like he was looking for someone but I realized he was much younger etc. We had a couple of laughs and he said something about he had been thinking about trying an online dating site but didn’t have a computer. I said I hadn’t had much luck so far and had decided to give it a rest and then I went and sat down.

When my date still hadn’t shown up I went for another smoke and had to walk past the nice bum guy again, we exchanged smiles. On my way back to my table as I walked past him he said, “I hope you’ll call me if the date doesn’t work out” and handed me a piece of paper with his number on it. Just as I am taking the paper from his hand (nice strong hands that showed he wasn’t afraid of a hard days work), my date walked in.

XAwkward!

My date was a self centered blowhard that talked loudly, bragged about all his possessions, how much money he made, and how important he was.  He put a price tag on everything and complained loudly when the food was a little slow coming. We had ordered appetizers and of course he had eaten better somewhere else. I was bored out of my mind and left as soon as possible. He was the kind of guy I would have called a narcissist at that time and a complete turn off. He seemed surprised when he said he’d call me and I said not to bother. I thanked him for dinner and hightailed it out of there. If I had been undecided about getting out of POF  this guy settled it; I was done with online dating. I had met guys who were still living with their mother, guys who were “separated” but still living with their wife, guys who spent the whole night talking about what a bitch their ex was, guys looking to get lucky, guys looking for someone to cook and clean for them, I’d met psychos who fell in love on the first date and got jealous because I looked up when a guy walked in. One guy accused me of meeting a guy in the bathroom. Another guy I had only talked to on the phone wanted to come over at 11 pm and when I said no he lost it and started screaming at me, then called back to apologize and say he was grumpy because he had just quit smoking and I told him to start again. I had met guys who, even though we had met in person still wanted to chat on the internet instead of just calling and talking.

I just wanted to meet a normal hard working guy who didn’t have little kids, and didn’t have a bunch of baggage.

When I got home my son asked how it went and I told him the guy was a loser and then told him about the guy that gave me his number. My son said, “Call him”.
I said that he looked alot younger than me. My son said,”Mom, all my friends think your a milf.”
Me: “Kris!”
Kris: “Its true mom. Maybe you need to date someone younger, call him, what have you got to lose?”
Me: “Really ? You think I should call? Is it too late? Its almost 10.
Kris getting exasperated now:  “Call!!!!”
Me: “ok!! I’ll call I’ll call.”

So I called. It rang twice and he picked up.
Me: “Hi, its Carrie calling. I don’t know if you remember me, you gave me your number tonight at the bar?”
Him laughing: “I remember. How did your date go?”
Me: ” I’m calling aren’t I.”

Anorexia, Cancer, and Sexual Dysfunction

After Jason was born I finished school and graduated with a B average, I had a job with the Bank of Commerce 2 weeks before grad and I put the past behind me; or so I thought, but as his 1st birthday approached I found it harder and harder to cope. Finally one day I broke down at work and my supervisor sent me home and told me to take stress leave and get help dealing with the issues of having a child and giving him up for adoption.

I don’t want to go into the details of my childhood here; my father and I have recently reconnected after not speaking for almost 20 years, I have no idea if he has seen my blog, my mom knows I have it but hasn’t read it but I don’t want to create problems for or with my folks. Suffice to say I carried issues from my childhood and refused to face them for many years. I would go to counseling and the minute they brought up my dad I would stop going, my mom tends to bury her head in the sand thinking what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her. But I had migraines by the age of 9, ulcers by 10 or 11 and attempted to overdose on pills and cheap red wine when I was about 13. The night I took all the pills I threw up and that is why I didn’t succeed and ended up just sleeping the whole day the next day. I know they knew I had tried to kill myself because after that the booze was locked up, the sharp knives went missing and the pills were moved but no one said anything to me.

I started to diet immediately after having Jason and ended up being anorexic from the age of about 19 until I was in my early thirties. I would weigh myself 20 or more times a day, if I was up a pound I would take diuretics, if I ate I would take laxatives, I would starve myself for days at a time and kept very accurate tabulations of my caloric intake and my daily a.m. and p.m. weight. I screwed up my metabolism so badly that I could gain 8 lbs just from eating a decent meal. My emotions could be erratic, as were my periods. I also carried with me an irrational fear that I would never have another child; that I had my one chance to have a child and blown it; then at the age of 21 my pap smear came back with cancer cells and over the course of the next 5 years I went for pap smears every 3 months and they performed various procedures in an attempt to keep the cancer under control to allow me time to have another baby.

I didn’t realize it at the time but looking back at pictures and from the attention I got from men I gather I was a fairly attractive woman, tall, slim with a big smile and witty sense of humor; I was asked out a lot and had developed a confident persona but the only thing I was confident about was my sexual prowess. I knew how to please a man, Wayne had taught me well and I used my skills to my advantage. I had several long term loving relationships but it didn’t matter what the man tried I never had an orgasm during sex; I just shut down, I felt nothing. I knew I could have orgasms, I gave them to myself all the time but whenever I got even close with a man a switch when off and I would go numb.

As insecure as I felt about my appearance I was confident in my abilities and wasn’t afraid to try new things and take a chance. I had an “it doesn’t hurt to try” attitude about most everything. When the bank sent out a notice looking for people to join the “On-Line team” (a team of up to 12 people who went from branch to branch throughout BC converting branches to an on-line banking system) I applied. That’s how old I am, I worked in banks BEFORE computers!!! Bonnie the supervisor hired me because, “I can’t believe you had the audacity to apply, you have practically none of the qualifications and will be the youngest on the team, but I like your spunk so I’ll give you a try.”

I turned 21 the week I started with the on-line team and had been dating a real estate agent from Chilliwack. He had pursued me for quite a while before I gave in and I was starting to really care for him by then; it was an exciting time in my life. We celebrated my birthday at a Greek restaurant and my real estate agent was there along with over a dozen friends. There was a table of two men sitting enjoying watching the revelers at our table and decided to send me a tray of about 8 different liquors, I was instructed to sample them all and they would buy me the one I preferred. I never back down from a challenge and did as I was told. Then I went around buying birthday kisses with pieces of birthday cake and at the end of the night I danced with the waiter and people threw plates at our feet. The dancing started because I had been making a big production of stuffing napkins down my top in order to look bigger busted, I guess the waiter had been counting the napkins and when I got to 7 he grabbed my hand and said, “Come, we are going to do the dance of the 7 napkins”. He took me out in the middle of the restaurant and started pulling napkins from my blouse, first the neck and then from between the buttons, and I stopped him and pulled the last two out myself. The whole restaurant was clapping and cheering. As we walked to his car my real estate agent said, “I thought you were shy”.

I put my furniture in storage and lived out of a suitcase for the next 10 months, it was a wonderful experience; lots of drinking and partying. Twelve of us between the ages of 21 and 34 spent the 2 months of summer in the Okanogan, I had an expense account that covered everything and I had a boyfriend at home whenever I made it back which was about every 2nd weekend. The real estate agent and I joined a motorcycle club, he was president and I was social director so we were very involved in a lot of activities like Poker Runs, fund raisers, dances etc. I wrote a monthly newsletter that went out to the membership and he and I were a “couple” in everyone’s eyes and every weekend I was home we were together.

I was good at catering to a man’s needs in every area but I didn’t take any shit from anyone either, if the guy didn’t treat me right or if he was too controlling I would give him a chance or two, voice my concerns rationally and then if nothing happened I would dump him and moved on to the next one. Once my mind was made up it was over, it was over. And that is what happened when I met Victor just as I was turning 22. After I got off the road it became apparent my real estate agent wasn’t seeing just me and told me he had plans to go on a month’s vacation with another woman. I told him that when he got back from his vacation he had better have made a decision, either he was committed to me or I was not seeing him any more. By the time he got back and had decided he was ready to commit I had met Victor and was moving to Ontario.

Victor was a French Canadian in the Armed Forces, when I told my dad he had asked me out my dad said, “There’s no way my daughter is dating a French Canadian.” I thought he was serious and then he said, “Because they fight with their feet, eat with their hands and fuck with their face and no daughter of mine is going to date one.” And he was right. Victor was charming and treated me like a lady, came to pick me up for our first date dressed in dress slacks and a sports jacket, he was very good looking, with the bluest blue eyes, a dimple in his chin, of course short hair being in the army, he had a broken nose that just added to his “bad boy” image. He wasn’t tall, about 5’10”, my height and he had a natural body builder type frame, and he just had a devilish way about him. He was a bar room brawler, every body’s buddy, lady’s man, man’s man, sensitive, romantic, and the best damn dancer I’ve seen before or since him. This man could jive with 3 women at one time and never miss a beat. He had no trouble getting women and was a little perplexed that I didn’t fall into bed with him and I think that is what kept him calling me.

The first time we had sex he did not give up until I had an orgasm. We had been dating about a month when he was transferred to the army base in Borden, Ontario and said, “If I thought you’d come I’d ask you to come with me.” And my reply had been, “If I thought you’d ask I would probably go.” So I went into work the next day and requested a transfer to our branch in Borden, thinking it could take up to a year to come through and we would just see how long this long distance relationship would last. The last day of work for him fell on a Thursday and he had plans for one last piss up with his buddies and asked me to drop by in the morning the next day and have a coffee with him before I went to work. At the bank we alternated coming in late on Friday because we were open until 6 and it was my Friday to start work at 10 am. Victor lived with Pierre; his best buddy and a real lady killer; or so he fancied himself to be anyway.

I got to their place about 8:30 and when I walked in the house I immediately noticed the woman’s shoes by the door and laughed to myself, “Oh Pierre, you got lucky again.” the house was silent except for the tsk tsk tsk of the needle on the stereo hitting the end of a record. I went over shut the stereo off and put the needle arm in the cradle. The coffee table had an empty bottle of wine on it, cigarettes stubs with bright pink lipstick on the filters and stubs of candles long since dead. In the corner was the gift I had wrapped the two nights before for my parents anniversary that we were celebrating tonight with dinner out and some dancing. I went in the kitchen and plugged in the kettle and then made me way down the hallway to wake Victor up by snuggling into bed. Pierre’s room was across the hall from Victor’s and I could see his door was open, I expected to see a woman passed out in his bed but it was empty. Victor’s bedroom door stuck so when I pushed it opened with a “thung” and my eyes scanned the room. Two near empty glasses of red wine, the empty bottle beside them on the dresser, two candles that were at the end of their life had dripped wax down the sides of the wine bottles that held them. I could see Victor’s dark hair peeking out from under the covers at the top of the bed and there was a headless lump laying beside him. I said in a sing song voice, “Victor dear, honey, I’m here”. He didn’t move but the headless lump sprang upright. Her naked massive tits flopped over the covers, her makeup smeared, hair disheveled, and with her eyes squinting she looked at me and said, “Oh fuck, the shits gonna hit the fan now.” And rolled over and went back to being a headless lump under the covers beside Victor. I gave his face a light slap and said one more time in my normal voice, “Victor I am here, wake up.” When he rolled over I knew I had better get out of there before I lost control and started wailing on him, and her.

I pulled the kettle out of the wall by throwing it the length of the house, ripped apart the gift for my folks and threw anything else I could lift and slammed the door. I left rubber in all 4 gears to the corner and up the next street. When I walked through the door to my apartment the phone was ringing and I let it, poured myself a stiff rye and water and called the bank to say I had come down with something and wouldn’t be in. the phone kept ringing and I kept ignoring it, then there was a knock at my door. I asked who it was and it was him, I told him to go away. He begged me to open the door and just talk to him for a minute. I opened the door, he looked like hell and his face was red like he’d been going down on her all night, then he reached for me and I told him to keep his hands off me and I wouldn’t talk to him until he washed his face because I knew where it had been. he looked so sorry and I was far too mad to talk so I told him to go home, give me some time and maybe I would talk to him later. After a few hours I called and said I was coming over, he had stripped his bed and was washing the bedding, had cleaned the house and was so happy to see me. He said he was sorry, got drunk and screwed up, no excuses, just that he wouldn’t do it again. I had my holidays booked, we were to be leaving in 3 days so I said I would still go on vacation with him and see how things went.

I drove back east with him, had a 2 week vacation and then flew home. The first day back at work I was told I was to start at the Borden branch on the following Monday. I panicked, what if he didn’t still want me to come? Did I love him that much? Was I prepared to make that kind of commitment? But I called him and he was thrilled. Two days later my dad walked in the bank with a goofy look on his face, and then a hand came up over the counter and it held a bouquet of flowers; it was Victor, my dad had picked him up from the airport.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck