Tag Archives: being single

Getting your life back after leaving a narcissist partner.

I Had No Idea How Damaged I Am

I knew I was hurting, angry and lonely but I don’t think any one can understand, even me, how devastating the constant abuse from JC was. At times I feel obsessed about him and the past 10 years. Its like driving past an accident and not being able to stop yourself from looking. I read somewhere that people who witness a horrific accident, say someone caught in a burning car; will relive the accident over and over again. Its the brain trying to comprehend what it witnessed, and apparently part of the healing process.
I can understand that in a way. I hadn’t realized how much I had “forgotten” or blocked out. It makes sense that a person would block a lot of it out because if you didn’t you wouldn’t be able to function, it would drive you insane. But in order to heal completely you have to deal with it or the feeling of loss and pain would keep cropping up and surfacing at inappropriate times. If the mind let’s you remember and rehash events slowly you are able to deal with the pain and anger bit by bit as you get stronger.
So sometimes it feels like you aren’t making any progress with healing and you can’t seem to stop living in the past; but you are making headway.
The part I have the hardest time accepting is JC can’t love, not really, he collects women, he needs the ego boost but he never loved me. It leaves a person feeling so empty, raped, you bared your soul to this person, stood there naked,and they laughed at you.
I remember as a very little girl there were two sisters that lived behind us, the Lynne and Betty Bell; funny I can remember their names fifty yrs later. They used to call to me to come and play and I was so shy, but I wanted to play so bad I eventually forced myself to go over there. But when I did they hit me with bull rushes and laughed. I don’t remember it hurting physically but obviously it caused a lot of emotional pain.
Narcissists are like that, they are experts at,” come here so I can reject you”. It is beyond my comprehension why someone would do that to another person, to an animal for that matter.