Tag Archives: benefits of crying

It’s OK, I’m Just Sad

I start most of my days the same way.

I wake up about 6 am, make myself a coffee, sit on the couch and turn on the tv, Stella comes and snuggles up with her head on my lap or tucked behind my back; and I cry.

Now, don’t feel bad for me, it’s ok, I’ve been doing it for years, and I have accepted that it’s just the way I am.

I don’t think everyone experiences such a deep sadness that it just becomes a piece of you, but I wanted to write about it because I think some of you can relate. It’s not pain any more, it’s a deep sadness that comes with acceptance. It doesn’t follow me all day long, and it’s not that I am unhappy with my life. I am thankful for every day, in fact, I am filled with intense gratitude most days.

For most of my life I viewed sadness as weakness, something to be avoided; no one likes sadness. Friends and family want you to be happy, get over it, move on, you are away from the abuser, you should be happy. They tell you to “find a nice guy”, go out and have fun; and you can barely drag yourself out of bed. Friends give the worst advice because they don’t want to deal with your sadness, they feel helpless to fix it. They don’t have to fix it, they just need to listen, be there with a box of Kleenex and to assure you, this will pass.

When my step dad died after 30 years being married to my mother and she was apologizing for still crying after 2 weeks. I told her, “I would wonder if you weren’t crying”. There has been many times my mother suggested I get “something” from the doctor to help me “get over” my ex, or deal with my life situation. That is the way society is these days, be happy and if you aren’t, take something that will make you happy.

I know that there are people who are helped with meds when they have suicidal thoughts, are depressed for no reason, have post partum depression, or a chemical imbalance; but I had every reason in the world to be sad and depressed. I had lost everything and was starting over from zero at 51 years old. My life had been shattered. I had every right to be fucking sad. To medicate myself into being happy was like putting a bandaid on a wound without cleaning it.

I did that as a child, I had skinned my knee badly doing something I shouldn’t have been doing so I put a bandaid on it and didn’t tell my parents. I didn’t clean the wound, I didn’t put antiseptic on it, I just left the bandaid on and pretended it never happened. Until one day it started to really hurt so I took the bandaid off and it was an oozing ugly mess of infection. What did I do? I changed the bandage and left it a while longer, until it got so painful I had to say something.  By that time the size of the wound had gotten bigger, deeper and more painful. You know, I fought that infection for months, and I have the scar to this day.

If you don’t deal with your feelings now and mask them with meds, the feelings don’t go away, they sit under the surface festering, growing, and someday, maybe years from now, after having another abusive relationship, or when you blow up over something stupid and unrelated, those feelings WILL come back at the most inopportune time. The scars of emotional abuse only deepen when they are ignored.

Did you know that tears are cleansing? It’s your body’s way of clearing toxins from your body. Crying is good for you! Why else do people say they had a “good cry”. No one ever says they had a “bad cry” because 9 out of 10 times, we feel better after having a “good cry”.

After leaving my ex I cried so many tears I was amazed I had any more tears to cry. I couldn’t stop crying. I mean, we have to be able to function, go to work, deal with the kids, we have to eventually get control of our tears. I decided to give myself an allotment of time every morning before I put my makeup on, to have a full body, pity party, good cry. Then I would get ready for my day and get things done. Then at the end of the day, often times while driving home; I let myself cry again.

It never failed to make me feel better. It was a release.

I enjoy a good cry. I can make myself cry over all kinds of things, but you know what? I never cry over the ex narc any more. I will cry out of gratitude, because I am happy my son is happy, or I might cry because I feel guilty about something I need to forgive myself for, or because I think about my old dog Kato, sometimes I am so filled with gratitude I have to cry or there was the time I used the wrong chemicals on the fairways at the golf course and killed the grass; I felt so bad I took Stella for a walk in the forest and cried.

It’s ok to cry. Give in to it, deal with it, analyze why you are crying, feel it, really let yourself enjoy your tears, feel the stress leaving your body, know you are cleansing yourself of all the toxins left behind by the narcissist. Let all the pain and sadness out and then wash your face and get in with your day.

Have a great day!!

The Healing Properties of Crying

The other day  someone in the support forum asked me if there was anything that I read or do that helped me heal. I had to really think about it because to be honest for most of that time I was flailing, lost in an open sea of despair so deep, dark and stormy I could barely grasp a mouthful of air before I was pulled back down.

I did a lot of things wrong through that time, I isolated myself, the first year I was truly all alone. I had no family, my son was in Saskatchewan, my mom wasn’t talking to me, I had no friends and I truly had no hope. I knew I probably needed help, but I was too broken to make the effort so I buried myself in my work and my grief. I started to put everything I made into paying off debt from truck repairs and paying ICBC fines, just getting myself back on track. I would drag myself out the door about noon, work until dark and then cry all the way home, sleep on the couch for a few hours here and there, eat a TV dinner, smoke, and cry. I tell ya, I was a mess for the first 3 months and then I found out James had met the “love of his life” and totally fell apart.

I barely remember it. I can see that woman sitting on the couch staring blankly at nothing, like a lopotomy patient but I can not tell you what I did to try to heal myself. I don’t think I did try to heal myself, I had to remind myself to blink and take a breath. I wondered if I could kill myself by forgetting to breath. I felt close enough to death that it seemed possible. It isn’t.

The one thing I did right? I cried, a lot!! I even allotted time for crying. I had a good every morning, and I mean I let myself go, I had a full body deep cleansing cry and then put my makeup on and went to work for the day. I might have leaky eyes during the day but I could hold it in pretty good for the most part but when I walked through the door at night I let it go again.

Did you know that tears actually having healing properties and that by not allowing yourself to cry you are preventing yourself from healing? It is a proven fact that tears cleanse the body of toxins and relieve stress. A victim of narcissistic abuse feels physically ill. When I say the narcissist is toxic I mean literally, they are toxic to the people they encounter, the stress of living with them and the shit they pull causes stress, stress creates toxins in the body, tears wash away the toxins. That is why people say they had a “good cry”, when you really let yourself get into it, when you don’t hold back and have a full body cry don’t you feel better afterwards? Trying to hold back from crying causes you stress, thinking that you should be healing faster and shouldn’t cry causes you stress and more toxins are released into your body. People end up getting upset about being upset. Just allow yourself the grief , allot yourself a time to cry, pain is uncomfortable, no one likes pain, many people think it is a sign of weakness to cry, but it isn’t, it is healthy, it is healing and it is our natural way of getting rid of pain. Try it.

I found this guy, Shane Koyczan during that first year and his poems touched my soul, I sobbed listening to him because I could empathize with his pain and I was in awe of how he can take his emotions and turn them into poetry that mesmerizes people into silence and you could hear a pin drop in the room. He also reminded me that yes I was broken, I was in some of the worst pain I had ever experienced but I did not have a monopoly on pain, there are lots of other people in the world dealing with abuse, lost loved ones, there is pain and suffering all over the world. So I cried for those people too.

I have perfected my crying, I can cry with the best of them now.


How Can Crying Be A Good Thing?

I am sure most of the people reading this have experienced the look of disgust, the roll of the eyes, and rage of the narcissist because they were crying. I am also pretty sure that growing up you heard that you were “too sensitive”, you were called a sissy, told you were weak and in my case, when I cried as a child I was told if I wanted to cry I would be given a reason to cry.

When a person is with a narcissist they learn exactly how many tears one person can produce. I went, or the relationship went, through stages. In the beginning I never cried, why would I? the wospos gave me no reason to cry. If I was upset about anything, even things unrelated to him or us, he would pack me into the bedroom and make me lay with him in bed while we talked and he stroked my hair. Of course we always ended up making love.

Time went on and we started to have arguments, again he would pack off to bed and then one night things changed; he pushed me down on the couch. It shocked me. It escalated to him throwing me against the couch and me flying over the back of the couch and then the couch tipping over on it’s back with me sprawled across it. At that point I calmly pointed out that he could hurt me by doing something like that. His retort had been something like, “Nothing else works with you.” I didn’t cry, I would be angry but still believed we could talk things out, if I explained myself better he would understand what I was upset about.  Then he started to not come to bed with me and I would wake up alone and cry. It was a horrible way to start the day; crying. It took a lot of years for me to get over waking up alone. For me, sleeping together had been the glue that held us together, that made everything right with the world. He had told me that when he screwed around on his ex they hadn’t slept together for months and it always gnawed at me.

Over time it progressed to him picking a fight in the morning and storming out of the house after tearing me to shreds, saying I forced the relationship, he wanted out, he couldn’t take me any more. I would be panic-stricken, crying, pacing, unable to function, so I would call him crying and he would say he hated to see me upset and he would come and pick me up and I would ride around with him all day. We would have a great day, my hope would be restored, he would hold me and tell me how much he loved me and hated to see me crying. We did that dance for many years but at some point, I can’t recall exactly when it happened; he stopped caring if I cried, in fact; me crying sent him into a rage.

It was around year nine that I stopped crying. I just shut off my emotions, there was no point in crying, getting angry or even trying to talk to him about anything. I had left so many times, explained myself so many times, and nothing ever changed so I had resolved to just live with it, I knew I never left him for good, we always got back together. I knew he really loved me and I loved him, there was no point in fighting it any more. I thought I knew him well enough to avoid the fights if I just didn’t react to the things he did. I vowed to cling to the fact that he really loved me, that he could not be with another woman while he was with me, that we were soul mates, meant to be together. I was prepared to take whatever crumbs he gave me and love him no matter what he did.

But things only got worse. It became impossible to predict what would set him off, he loathed me on a regular basis and he rarely said he loved me. Sex became a physical release with no emotion attached to it, he didn’t even take his jeans off. he stayed out all night and gave transparent feeble excuses that I clung to. As long as he told me some lie, even if I knew he was lying, I could lie to myself. When he finally told me to get out for the umpteenth time, I didn’t even cry. I was numb, drained, a zombie.

It was not until he discarded me for another woman that the tears started, the panic returned, only this time he wasn’t there when I called, he was “in love” with someone else.

I literally fell apart, so badly that I scared myself, I had never lost control of my emotions like that in my life. I had divorced and had other traumatic events happen in my life but never experienced such total emotional devastation.

I remember thinking, “I will give into it, allow myself to cry as hard as I can for as long as I need to and get it all out; then I will feel better.” but it never mattered how hard I cried or for how long, the tears kept coming. It amazed me that a person could cry that much, surely, eventually a person would run out! but I never got to that point, the well never went dry. I wouldn’t even realize I was crying, they would just trickle down my face and drip off my chin, I stopped trying to catch them and dry my eyes, what was the point? I wouldn’t put my contact lens in or put make up on, what was the point? my makeup would be dripping off my chin with my tears anyway and something about tears really screws up your contact lens. I had to buy new lens almost monthly because my tears left mineral deposits embedded into my soft lens that no protein remover could touch.

Poor old Kato, he would look at me with his wrinkly sad face, put his head on my lap, he looked worried, like he didn’t know what to do with me.

I still cry often, but not with that kind of grief, when I cry now, it feels good. Sometimes I will feel tense, as if my emotions are building to a crescendo and the only release is to have a “good” cry. Now when I cry, I feel cleansed, calmer, and it doesn’t scare me, I don’t worry that I won’t ever stop, my soul isn’t breaking. Sometimes I will cry remembering that woman, the one who was me, that broken soul and I feel so bad for her. It as if I am watching a movie that I have viewed many times and cry every time I watch it. I cry every time I watch Sound of Music, or the movie Ghost. I remember I couldn’t even talk about the movie “Love Story” for a year without crying, that is the way I view that period of time in my life.

But I don’t always cry for “her” or anything to do with the wospos, sometimes I cry because I feel so blessed, I was talking to my mom this morning and she told me she had gone to my brother’s job site yesterday and saw my son Kris. She was telling me how my brother praised my son and how when he saw his grandma he immediately came and gave her and hug and then showed her a picture of his daughter. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. Not from sadness, but from pride and thankfulness.  I received a wonderful letter of recommendation from one of my blog followers yesterday and cried again! Oh it was a great day!! so many tears and not one sad tear in the bunch!! Funny how that works, with the narcissist – sad tears………… without the narcissist – happy tears.

A couple of days ago I felt the urge to cry coming over me, I was stressed about money, but not really panicked about it or anything, just a little tired of living day-to-day, you know what I mean? I did a brief review of my life so far and shit, you know, it has been tough at times and I allowed myself to have a cleansing cry and felt so much better. I started to wonder why some cries can actually make us feel better so I Googled it. This is what I found out about tears.

– Emotional tears–the ones that come from distress or grief–contain more toxic byproducts than tears from something like peeling onions. Tears are used to wash irritants such as a speck of dirt from our eye and also remove toxins from our body that build up courtesy of stress. Much cheaper than therapy!

So now it makes sense why people say they “had a good cry” and felt better. Scientific studies have found that after crying, people actually do feel better, both physically and physiologically—and suppressing tears can actually make a person feel worse!

Further research showed that people who don’t cry for whatever reason actually have a much harder time dealing with stress than someone who cries easily. Are you feeling better about your tears yet?

Researchers did an experiment where they had volunteers watch a sad movie and then peel an onion. The researchers found that the emotional tears contained far more toxic biological byproducts and they actually remove toxic substances that normally build up during emotional stress.

Manganese is a mineral that affects mood causing anxiety, nervousness, irritability, fatigue, aggression, emotional disturbance and is found in up to 30 times greater concentration in tears than in blood serum. Emotional tears contain 24 per cent higher albumin protein concentration than tears caused by eye irritants. Could this be the protein I find embedded in my contact lens?

Suppressing tears increases stress levels, and contributes to diseases aggravated by stress, such as high blood pressure, heart problems and peptic ulcers.

So there you have it!! Crying is good for you, within reason of course, and probably best done in private or with a close friend and not on the bus during rush hour or at the office staff party after you guzzled a bottle of wine all by yourself.  Next time you are remembering the N raging at you for “being too sensitive” and making you feel inferior because you cry; tell yourself it is further proof of how emotionally crippled HE is and that you are actually much healthier for having the ability to cry.

All those tears you are shedding ARE cleansing, they are removing all those toxins the narcissist left behind and making you healthy. So don’t try to suppress them, don’t feel weak or inferior, let those tears do their job and literally “wash that man right out of your life”