Tag Archives: blame

The Secret of Happiness – Adaptability

I recently read an articles that said the secret to happiness is being flexible and adaptable. That makes sense, being adaptable means you make the best of a situation and you do not rigidly insist on things always going as you plan. The ability to go with the flow can make for a happier life it can also be the trait that keeps you with a narcissist. Out of curiosity I Googled “Personality Traits of Happy People” because I wanted to see if my theory was correct and…….well……. I rest my case. The exact same traits they say a person need to be happy are the same traits that kept us in the relationship with the narcissist.

Be Humble

Be Courageous

Be Grateful

Be Tolerant

Be Loving

Be Forgiving

Be Selfless

Be Honest

Be Persistent

Be Expectantly Patient

Many victims are ashamed they got involved with a narcissist, society shames the victims and the narcissist shames the victim, pretty hard to not feel ashamed when so many people are in agreement.

But the traits needed to stay with a narcissist are the same traits we are told we should have to be happy and to lead an exemplary life; so how can it be shameful to have these traits? The very same traits that made it possible for me to care for a 5 week old baby while having my husband in the hospital dying enabled me to stay with JC. The traits of forgiveness and being non-judgmental were the same traits that made it possible for me to stand by my brother when the family turn their back on him and the same with my son. Or when my mom and dad split and my mom was a basket case and needed a shoulder to cry on every night for months on end, it was me who was there for her. The very traits that I was criticized for with JC were the traits that have made it possible for me to assist other people in my life when they had no one else and got me through some really tough times in my life. It was fine for them when they needed these characteristics but they were the first to criticize me for them when I wouldn’t give up on JC.

JC used to complain I was too demanding, too inflexible, and that I needed to be more adaptable and learn to go with the flow and that I should be more grateful for what I had and not always be so negative. I had never been called negative in my life, in fact I had always had a very positive attitude and looked forward to the future with anticipation of what was to come. But I was very organized and structured, meals were at a certain time, I went to bed the same time every night, I had to work, I had a son to raise and I had a mortgage to pay, time was limited and I had a lot on my plate. I was not spontaneous, my 1st husband complained because he would want to do something on the weekend and I would want to stay home and clean the house. In my family we decided at Christmas dinner who was cooking it next year, my whole life was planned.

JC challenged all that and I didn’t mind that he was a free spirit, he was kind, loving, sweet and had a great sense of humor; so what if he was a little scattered and usually late, he always called if he was late and all the good things about him outweighed the couple of annoying things about him, I was at a point in my life where a little spontaneity was welcome. My son had moved out, I no longer had to be home for a child, I was ready to enjoy a bit of freedom, I thought, how wonderful that I would find someone like JC at this time in my life, I knew it never would have worked had we met any earlier because I would have been too regimented because I was a single mom with responsibilities.

I think in the past I had intentionally picked men who were passive because I had watched my mom being controlled and was determined to stay independent and in control and consequently I had packed the load in most of my relationships, always been the strong one and I was tired and ready to allow a man to “take care of me”. I had been making all the decisions for so long, carrying the load financially and emotionally I didn’t fight giving up some control.

Life was an adventure! I was SO happy with JC, I stopped planning suppers because i never knew what to expect when I came home from work, he would want to go somewhere and always wanted me along. I learned to become flexible about when we ate and when I did cook at home it was usually late and we would eat and just talk. When we went out we would stop at a bar or pub somewhere and share something, I usually let him choose, I wasn’t picky. We would blitz Vancouver, I didn’t know Vancouver so I relied on him and sort of played the role of tourist as he took me to this place or that, to visit friends of his.

I came home one day after work, the apartment was torn apart, there was water every where, stuff spread all over the floor and he was in the living room putting together a huge aquarium. I had always loved aquariums and had one for years but it was nowhere near that big. This was a 90 gallon aquarium that JC had found and somehow managed to get up 3 flights of stairs all by himself. My irritation at the apartment being a mess dissipated with my joy at seeing the aquarium. He was so knowledgeable about how to set up an aquarium and I love to learn about stuff I don’t know. I watched him setting up filters and pumps with fascination and a growing appreciation for this man who continually surprised and impressed me. We would spend our Sundays cruising pet supply stores looking for unique fish and thought nothing of spending a couple hundred dollars on a fish. I loved watching him with the fish, he even gave CPR to a fish that jumped out of the tank and cried when it died. Such a sensitive guy, I could not believe how I fell in love with him more the more I got to know him.

I always wanted to make love with him and he could make love over and over again, he always wanted me and I always wanted him, I had never wanted a man more in my life, never slept wrapped up in a man all night before in my life. THIS is what love feels like, nothing else mattered as long as he was by my side. I fell in love watching him get lost in playing his guitar, I fell in love watching him fix my car, I fell in love with every love note I woke up to and every bouquet he brought me home for no reason. I fell more in love every time I got upset about something and cried and he would pick me up and pack me to the bedroom and lay me beside him on the bed stroking my hair. When I came home one day and he put a song on the CD player and held me close while we danced (he hated to dance) and his tears slid down his face onto my cheek and he told me he had never loved anyone like he loved me and it scared him, we kissed through our tears and made love on the living room floor. When I cried because I didn’t have a garden to dig in he took me to the nursery and bought big pots, potting soil and all the plants I wanted and packed them up 3 flights of stairs so I could have my garden on the deck. He made me a pond with a water fall and then took a picture of it and had it blown up and framed for me as a surprise. Who cared about Valentines or Christmas gifts when someone was so sweet for no reason? I felt so blessed.

But he never seemed as impressed with the little gifts I got him, I just thought he felt awkward accepting gifts.

He was always wheeling and dealing but he always made money, on the weekend when the Buy and Sell came out he would get up early and run down to the corner store, coming back with two coffees and the paper. I was amazed at how he could horse trade and get something, put a bit of work into it and double his money.

Gradually, oh so gradually, his living on the edge started to scare me. I remember standing in the kitchen one time upset because I didn’t want to him spending money because we needed groceries and he had said to have faith in him, hadn’t he always pulled the rabbit out of the hat? So I conceded, he had always found a way to make money, we always paid the mortgage payment, we always had food, I thought “I have to learn to give up some of the control and trust him.”

A couple of years later we were basically homeless and he managed to find us a hovel to live in, I had never lived in conditions like that in my life, but I adapted because; as long as I could put my head on his chest at the end of the day I could over come anything. Only problem was, he had stopped coming to bed unless he wanted sex and we didn’t have a bed, only a couch for a while. I couldn’t cook suppers anymore because we didn’t have a kitchen. Before I realized what had happened I had nothing that was familiar to me, I did none of the things i used to excel at, there was no point in cleaning the house, what house? it was a dump, i had none of my possessions, none of my family photos, no kitchen to cook, no tub to bath, no gardens to putz in then my vehicle broke down and I had to walk every where,, but I adapted. I always found a way of making the most depressing place a home. I learned to paint to entertain myself and keep my sanity, I read, I stopped making plans, I gave up everything that made me me. But I decided I would treat it like research, I would use what i learned to help people later when we were back on our feet. I always believed we would get back on our feet, I truly believed in JC. I believed in God and a purpose and I believed he had a plan for JC and I and when I prayed for a sign telling me if I should stay or leave I could always find a “sign” to stay.

As we all know, if the N had treated us in the beginning like he did at the end we never would have dated him past the first date, we aren’t stupid, we don’t “like” abuse, we didn’t go looking for a man who would scream at us that we were psycho, paranoid demanding bitches, we didn’t want an STD, or a black eye. We weren’t looking for someone to give all our possessions and money to. We were trusting people who had no reason to believe the N was anything other than what he said he was.

Because we are caring, non-judgmental people who have screwed up in our own lives and we think everyone deserves a second chance, (after all we have ourselves hurt people when we didn’t mean to), everyone can make a mistake and everyone deserves a second chance right? Who are we to judge? This is the love of our life, for months he/she has been everything we ever wanted in a partner and more, they gave us more than we ever knew existed in a relationship, of course we are going to give them a second chance! Yes we were strong when we met them, we had never taken abuse from anyone in our life, we were independent and nobody’s fool; BUT we had never been in love like that before either. When you find a love like that you don’t just throw it away, in our minds the N’s behavior was totally out of character; we didn’t yet know that it WAS his true character and the man we met was a sham.

Most people don’t figure out they are with a narcissist until they have split and they go looking for answers, for certain; no one goes looking for answers until they are so invested  in the relationship it is very hard to extricate themselves. Plus, it is human nature to cling to a losing proposition the more you have invested in it whether that is emotional investment or financial investment.

Anyone who wants to judge the victims is naive and obviously never been in the position themselves. It is easy to see all the red flags when a person hears about the relationship after the fact when retold by the victim. When you are in the middle of the smoke screens, gas lighting and love bombing it is almost impossible to think straight and logically. The N does it on purpose to keep the victim off kilter. It’s hard to be strong when you can’t get your balance.

Now, unfortunately you will recognize the signs soon enough to protect yourself and you know your natural personality traits that can work against you so you will be more careful who you bless with your love and understanding.

But don’t ever stop being you, don’t let anyone tell you that you are to blame and that to be a caring person is wrong. Remember a narcissist has to have the best, they don’t pick losers. That is why they are driven to destroy their victims, they know they do not deserve them and the victim is so far above them they can only pretend for a short period to be like them and then they can’t keep the mask on.

The Lies They Tell

I took an excerpt from JC’s post on his blog to show how they twist the facts to put themselves in the role of victim and good guy. I could not possibly answer to all his accusations, it would take days but here are two of his accusations that I am sure have gotten him a lot of sympathy from the new woman, poor JC so taken advantage of. His comment is in black and mine in red.

No mention of the fact that her son showed up at my place with a stolen vehicle and the story that he would be killed if he didn’t get rid of it and come up with $1,000 for some dealer.

The truth is my son was wrapped up with some bad characters in his teens (over 12 years ago) He called JC and said he had this stolen SUV to get rid of and JC told him to being it to our house (not his house). Him and Kris were in the shop when I got home and asked who’s suv was in the driveway, Kris told me the truth, it was stolen, I insisted we call the cops. They said no way it would get Kris killed. I was beside myself, J C told Kris he would buy the vehicle $1000 and then immediately got on the phone trying to sell it for $5000,  He wasn’t going to give Kris any money and wasn’t letting him take the suv (which was fine with me I didn’t want him driving it)

Well….I got him the grand and gave him a ride out to Chilliwack to pay this guy, and Kris gave us the slip and we never saw him again for weeks. I phoned a friend of mine who is an RCMP officer and had him check the vehicle out. At least Kris was honest about that….it WAS stolen. 

It was one of the worst nights of my life, my kid is strung out from drugs and hasn’t slept for a week and there’s a stolen SUV in my driveway and my partner is on the phone trying to make money off of my son’s stupid choices, I went into the shop where JC was wheeling and dealing on the SUV and I was crying and begging him to not make Kris leave empty-handed that he would be killed and his reply was,” Don’t be so dramatic, they aren’t going to kill him, the most they’ll do is break his legs.”

I fell to my knees and begged him; he just looked at me with disgust.

 I went in the house and Kris had finally fallen asleep. His face wasn’t relaxed like someone who is in a peaceful sleep but contorted and tormented. I watched him sleep and remembered how when he was a boy when he had bad dreams I used to rub my hands together until they got really warm and put them on either side of his head and told him I took all the bad scary thoughts out of his head and they came through my hands and up my arms into my head and he only had happy thoughts left in his head. And we would say our own version of the Lord’s prayer, “Now I lay me down to sleep , I pray the Lord my soul to keep, keep me safe all through the night, and God bless Mommy, Daddy, and the whole wide world even the bad guys Amen.” It worked every time, even when he had friends sleep over and if they were afraid in the night he would tell them, “Don’t worry my mom will do her magic prayer and you’ll be fine.” I would do it for them and they all said it worked. LOL

 But I looked at him on the couch asleep and felt totally helpless, I knew my “magic” prayer couldn’t make this go away. I felt this horrible black evil had infiltrated my home and I didn’t have a clue how to fix it. I had always thought I could keep the bad guys away by leading a lawful life; I had always created a happy cozy safe home for my son.  He had always had the bluest eyes and now they were grey and vacant, I HAD to save him.

 

I went out and begged JC some more and he told me he had sold a rear end that was in the shop (turned out it was the owners rear end) for $1000 and the guy was coming over with the money. But when the guy got there he didn’t have the money he had $1000 worth of weed.  Neither JC nor I knew where to sell weed.

 JC phoned a friend who said he could sell it so JC gave it to him to sell. Kris and I are relieved and wait and wait and no money comes, Kris calls and gets an extension on when he has to show up with the money. JC isn’t giving me any answers as to what is going on and finally around midnight he says the guy can’t sell it until Tuesday, 3 days from now. He again says Kris has to leave empty-handed. The whole time he is still on the phone trying to sell the suv for $5000. Kris went over and got the weed from the friend and I dug out all my jewelry and I planned to take Kris back to these guys and go in with him, give them my jewelry and the weed and I would take the blame. I would have faced anyone to save my kid.

 In the last 5 minutes JC decided he was going to drive us into town. We got to this apartment and I could see a guy look out the window and watch us walk up to the door. Kris buzzed in and I walked up the three floors with him. He insisted on going in alone and I waited outside the door. They let him go and gave him two weeks to sell the weed and bring the money back to them.

 He said he had to make a phone call at the phone booth and then refused to get back in the truck. I wanted to grab his ankles and not let him leave but I knew there was nothing I could do except pray that God kept him safe and brought him back to me and give me another chance to help him.

 We got home and JC started driving the SUV like he owned it. He drove it home to visit his folks and told them he had taken over the payments from a guy he knew. He drove it to the race track for Street Legal where the chief of police was in charge of the event. He drove it everywhere and I refused to ride in it, I didn’t even sit in the damn black beast and it pissed JC off. 

 Then I got a call from Kris asking me to pick him up in Chilliwack because he wanted to go into rehab. I immediately went to get him and on the way home on the freeway a gravel truck pulling a pup trailer passed us and pulled into the slow lane too soon wiping us out. My Prelude did 360 turns down the freeway and into the median. As we catapulted off the freeway and down into the muddy grassy area between the east and west bound traffic the mud flew up onto the windshield, I managed to get the wipers on and steer the car, getting it stopped just before we hit the on coming lane.  Kris jumped out of the car and started ripping his clothes off and running between the cars in the oncoming lane screaming obscenities at the cars as they whizzed past. The gravel truck driver got out and came running up to me saying, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you I am so sorry!!” Kris spun around and came at him with a knife in his hand and I told the guy to please just go sit in his truck and he gladly did. I called 911 and told them to send an ambulance and the police. When the police came I begged them to take Kris to the hospital but they said he was the age of consent and if he didn’t want to go there was nothing they could do. Eventually they put him in my car with me and handed me his knife and wished me luck and sent me on my way.

 I wasn’t sure if it was the car or me shaking but it was really hard to drive and by the time I got home I was a nervous wreck. JC was on the computer and when I told him what happened he was totally uninterested and seemed annoyed I interrupted him. He was angry I had smashed up MY prelude. We called insurance and the car was so badly damaged it had to be towed to the body shop.

 I asked Kris what he wanted to do and we discussed his options; He had a really good friend who was a couple of years older than Kris who was living in Calgary and was working, I called Brody and asked if I could send Kris out there and he said he would put him to work and if he so much as thought about doing drugs he’d pound the crap out of him. So I gave Kris the option and he took it. I called my mom and asked if she could give Kris his Xmas money early and with my Xmas money and Kris’s we were able to buy him a flight to Calgary and safety. I remember JC demanding Kris buy him a burger before he left and we had to ride in the black beast to the airport. Kris was fuming but I begged him to just let it go, he was almost out of there.

 After he was safe I started concentrating on the black beast in the driveway and trying to get JC to turn it in. But he refused and kept driving it.  He had lost his job at the end of Sept, I lost mine at the end of November, and Kris left the beginning of December. Our phone got cut off in January. I kept telling JC that as long as that black beast was in our driveway we would have nothing but bad luck.

 With no job and no vehicle I did some work around the house and I ended up ripping up some carpet in the house that was full of mold. I went to pick up my car from the body shop and by the time I got home I was really sick. (JC refused to take me to emergency until  I started to turn blue because I couldn’t breath) he went to Sechelt for Xmas leaving me home alone delirious with a fever, the only heat was the fireplace and the hot water tank had sprung a leak so we had to boil water. My mom came and boiled water for me to wash, the neighbor brought me soup to eat and finally my mom said you call JC and tell him to come home or I am. He came home grudgingly.

 I was sick until the end of January. I used to get $197 a month from CPP for Kris because his dad was disabled from a motorcycle accident when Kris was 5 weeks old. If Kris didn’t live with me I didn’t get the money but JC always bitched that I gave the money to Kris, no matter how many times I explained that it wasn’t my money and wouldn’t get it if Kris wasn’t living with me, he was stuck on stupid about it. Kris was broken and called to see if I could send him his money. I was still sick so I asked JC to go and deposit it into Kris’s account, big mistake; he cashed the cheque and kept the money. Kris was furious and I was heart-broken.  JC and I had a big fight over it and he ended up throwing my keys at me, I ducked and they flew over my head and landed behind the couch. I just went to bed because I still wasn’t feeling great. When I got up in the morning I looked for them and couldn’t find them. My brother had gone into rehab on Vancouver Island and we had plans to go visit him and I was going to pick up my nephew and bring him to visit my brother. In the morning JC went out to start the car and came back in and said it had been stolen; he blamed Kris right away but I knew Kris wouldn’t do it besides he was two provinces away.

 We had to drive the black beast to take my nephew to see my brother. I was sure JC had something to do with it being stolen because he “found” the keys after it was stolen, insisted it was Kris who stole it but the car had an alarm and we never heard the alarm go off. JC had been bugging me for money for the wheels and tires he had put on my car. I had told him all along I didn’t want them because if something happened between us I didn’t want to owe him for them but he had said, “If anything happens Baby, and nothing is going to happen to break us up; but IF we did break up anything on your car is yours to keep. I would never take them back.”

He didn’t remember ever saying that of course but I knew I never would have let him put them on my car otherwise, I was too frugal and too self sufficient.

 JC ended up trading the beast to a body shop he owed money to. I was sick about it and kept telling him nothing would be right until we did the right thing and turned it in to the cops. Finally on feb 14th he agreed to go pick up the black beast and do the right thing. He called the shop and they had already taken a bunch of parts of the beast and painted them white. When we got there they told me to leave and they would drive JC home, I refused and they told JC to switch the parts back onto the beast and they would spray them black and give him 10 minutes to get out of the shop. So I waited all day for him to switch the parts and when they opened the bay door he drove out and I followed. We parked it down by the marina and went home. The next day we called a cop JC knew from Sechelt and met him for coffee and told him about the SUV. We took him to it and he ran the plate, it came up stolen. JC had been driving it for 4 months with the original plates on it and never been caught. I explained that my son had brought it to the house and was now in Calgary, working, clean and sober and they didn’t see any point in bringing him back if he was doing well and seeing as JC turned it in they would cut him slack.

 I stayed with JC because I knew he would throw Kris to the wolves and I wanted to make sure the truth was told.  When we got home from turning the truck in we weren’t home an hour when there was a knock on the door and it was a place JC had applied for a job. They had tried to get hold of him but our phone was disconnected so they sent one of the drivers over to offer him the job. He then agreed with me that having the black beast had been bad Karma. He was really happy and good to me for a while after that.

 He treated me pretty good until it came time for him to go to community court about the black beast. Thanks to my testimony he got off scot-free and once he knew he was in the clear the abuse started again.

She fails to blog about her, her brother, her son, and my sister….all trying to kill themselves, more than once.

First of all my brother has never attempted suicide, and in fact I have blogged about Kris attempting to commit suicide here,

http://wp.me/p1wKh3-sI

and here

http://wp.me/p1wKh3-fv

I have discussed my attempt many times and how JC encouraged me to try again because no man would ever want a psycho bitch like me anyway and I had made his life hell for 10 years.

 As for his sister I may not have mentioned it because I didn’t see the relevance to my blog. But she text messaged me telling me she loved me and thanking me for all I had done for her. I texted back saying “this sounds like a goodbye text” and got no reply. I knew where she was living and found the number for the front desk and asked them to check on her I was on my way. I got there just as the ambulance was leaving. I saved her life. I called JC to tell him and he said he had tried to get hold of her for months. I said well I can solve the problem for you, she is in VGH. He never went to visit her and her number had not changed since the last time he called her. He just didn’t give a shit.

It is so typical of a narcissist to include others in his fabrications, as if pointing out other people’s failings make him look better. What he fails to realize (because he is so self-absorbed) is what my brother or his sister do has no bearing on my blog and has nothing to do with narcissism. Of course the fact that he kept a stolen vehicle shows how self-centered he is, and the fact that he doesn’t feel an ounce of empathy for people who try to commit suicide shows once again how a narcissist mind works. He sees someone trying to commit suicide as a maneuver to take the attention away from him, because everything he does is done to manipulate and get something he wants he just assumes that is why other people do the things they do. If his sister had contacted him she would have died, just like i would have if I had taken a few more pills. They just don’t give a shit. 

He fails to see that although he is mentioned in my blog, it is about the abuse not about him per say and that is why i don’t make much mention of people like my brother, my son or his sister; because they are not abusive narcissists. I am discussing narcissists.

Typical Narcissist Apology

Below is an actual message left on my computer by JC in 2008.

A little background info on what led to him writing me this letter:

He had gone to Africa and come back; supposedly with Malaria. I had discovered he had gotten engaged to a young woman in Uganda while he was there and was continuing to keep in contact with her, promising to marry her and bring her to Canada. I had told him it was over but in true JC fashion he was always in my driveway when I got home. I never let him stay in my place if I was going out and he wasn’t allowed to bring anything into my place. I knew he would somehow weasel his way back in and I was determined this time.

He was broke so I was paying him to work for me and I got a job taking down a big metal framework and asked him to come with me to help. He was very knowledgeable and when we worked together we really “clicked” it was some of our best times. We had a good day and were finishing up when he went out to the truck. I went out and he told me that a guy he used to know just gave him a trailer and pointed to an empty lot behind him. There were two trailers there, a utility trailer with garbage in it and a really nice car hauler. I asked which trailer and he said the one with the garbage in it, that made sense to me because who would give away a perfectly good car hauler? I had a trailer hitch on my truck and asked if he wanted to take it with us when we left. He said no he would come back the next day; Sunday, to get it.

On Sunday my mom and I went looking at mobile homes for me to buy and I forgot my cell phone. When I got home one of my flower pots was broken in the driveway, I went inside and my answering machine was flashing and my cell phone had messages, I checked messages and both my land line and cell phone were flooded with angry messages that got more volatile with each message. Apparently, the guy calling had a shop across the street from the trailers, he had my business card and did a reverse search on my phone number and got my address and that was who broke my flower pot. My landlady lived on the same property and he had gone to her house first and as soon as I got home she was at my door screaming about these guys looking for me and JC and they had said he had stolen their trailer. I didn’t know what to say and said it must  a big misunderstanding.

The final message said something about blood flowing if he didn’t get his trailer back immediately. I called JC and asked him what the hell was going on. I told him about the messages and to take the trailer back NOW! then I called the guy, apologized and said I had talked to JC and he was going to return the trailer immediately and gave him JC’s number.

The guy was obviously drunk and angry but seemed appeased, hours went by and JC never showed up with the trailer. Every 1/2 hour, at first and then every few minutes the guy called me getting angrier and angrier with every call. I tried calling JC and he had stopped answering his phone. Finally the guy said him and his buddies were coming over to wait for JC. I told him they could be waiting a long time because he didn’t live with me but they didn’t believe me. I called the guy I knew was with JC and told him what was happening and asked to speak to JC. I told JC the guys were on their way to my place and I was scared. He got angry and said he had to put lights on the trailer and I said, “If you would have returned it when I first called you wouldn’t need lights!” (the first call I made at around 6pm and it was now after 10 pm. I had to put Kato in the truck and drive around in order to avoid being held captive by these guys. Eventually JC showed up at the guys yard and they took a baseball bat to his truck and broke all his lights and windows in his truck and gave him a few good hits I guess. When he finally showed up at my place I lost it on him. This is the letter I got two days later.

I am still pretty shaken by the other day, I don’t know if you could ever appreciate the events as they unfolded, from my perspective. I think not. Regardless, my main source of consternation, and lingering bad taste, is that you were the one who was their contact, and you were the one who they were going to lean on, to get to me. I don’t like that, it really bothers me, and the only way I can see to change that, is to not be associated with you. Even that will take  a long time to have any effect, some people just always associate people together, or think you are lying if you say you haven’t seen the one they are looking for.

 I am really, horribly sorry about it all. ALL of it. The Bridget thing, the trailer, Theresa,(Theresa was my landlady, who kicked me out because of the incident) the not being physical with you, ( he had been staying up all night on the internet and withholding sex to punish me) (and I wanted to be, every single day, but I kind of knew, ultimately, that it would come to this.)

 And I guess, deep down, I know I have changed. I kept waiting to see how I really felt. I feel a lot of love for you, I want to screw your brains out 3 times a day, I am protective of you, I feel bad for you when you are worried or hurt. I DO love you! A lot!

I am comfortable with you, and we have a lot in common. We get along better than most people do, considering the circumstances, and we know each other pretty well.

 But there is nothing but opposition from your family, all of them, and nothing I have done has changed that. And when I left for sudan, I was under no illusions as to the state of affairs here, regardless of my feelings. It was in word, and letters, months before I left. My grieving, and hurting had been going on for a long time before that!. In fact, it all took place when I was still alone at the shack. You think it was such a bad deal for you…then that just shows how narrow minded and self centered you are. I haven’t been welcome, or really loved, since that time. ( he had told me it was over when we were at the “shack”, but he wouldn’t kick me out on the street so I could stay but he treated me like crap. One evening I went to him in tears and said, “This time if you end it I am not coming back” He shrugged. I went on, “What if, like last time, after I am gone you realize you made a mistake?” He had said, “I guess I’ll have to live with it like all the other mistakes I’ve made”. So when my brother said I could come and stay with him and his buddy I took him up on the offer. Then JC was saying I left him broke and all alone and how heartless I was.but he flooded me with love letters and overwhelmed me with guilt trips, my brother was heavy into drugs at the time and I thought JC was the lesser of the two evils and went back. and of course in short order JC was being abusive again and telling me to get out again. He loaded a camper I had onto my truck with a bobcat and drove over all my stuff with the bobcat. I eventually got a good income tax return and was able to move into a basement suite. and yes, you guessed it, he ended up moving in there with me. Then I was told that I could stay but he had to go but he wouldn’t leave so I moved to the place I was when he went to Sudan and when he took the trailer. I had moved out and 3 weeks later he was still in my old basement suite and they had to get a bunch of guys together and move him out. Same thing that happened at the cabin at Hatzic)

Yeah, I have a lot of problems, and I have made lots of mistakes. I realize that I should keep people at arms length, because not too many folks understand me, and they get pissed off when they misread my motives, or disagree with my actions. (which are not always the greatest) Maybe its me, them, or the environment. Maybe its something in the water…but I have never had such a hard run as I have since I came here. Maybe it’s partly my family. Maybe it is being with you. Maybe its doing scrap, and all the people that introduces us to.

 Whatever. I can understand where you are at. I am sorry for all the trouble I caused. I REALLY owe you for saving me when I was sick, all the times. Thanks for losing days work cause you are sitting in waiting rooms with me. I apologize for all the hollering and screaming, over stuff I am responsible for. I really do love you, and I really do care. I guess I could accept everything you have said, but there is no way I have been able to grasp the fact that you weren’t going to be in my life. That is the one thing I will always have trouble with. My mind refuses to even hear it, let alone think, or believe it. I haven’t a clue how I will deal with that. 

Notice how he mentions how self absorbed I am and I couldn’t relate to how horrible things were for him!! He has to blame everyone but take blame for his behavior, poor misunderstood JC :(. the generic apologies, and at the end the poor tortured soul, doesn’t know how he will deal with me not being in his life. And I stayed strong for a long time, I wasn’t no contact though, but I didn’t live with him again or let him even stay the night and that is when he went to Red Deer to work and we were no contact until he came back saying he had been given 6 months to live.

Nadine, do you see any resemblance here?

Hugs all

Carrie