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Quality Over Quantity

As some of you may know, I spent 6-7 months terribly sick and unable to blog or do much of anything but lay on the couch in pain. I was suffering horrible side effects from some of the meds I was on for my heart plus when they tried to implant a pacemaker, twice; and failed, they managed to pop some of my ribs out of place. None of the doctors were willing to investigate why I was in such pain and finally I took matters into my own hands, went to a chiropractor and that is when I found out my ribs were misplaced and I started the slow and painful process of getting them put back in place and then I cut back on my meds and noticed an immediate improvement in my overall health and outlook.

I have since been put on meds that don’t cause the horrible side effects and have been spending the past month trying to get back to my old self.

By far it was the worst 6 months of my life, including recovering from narc abuse. It was the worst torture imaginable. I had told the cardiologists that I was not concerned with quantity of life, I have no regrets and would be at peace if I was to die tomorrow. I wanted quality of life. Some people have a hard time accepting that, they think it is a negative attitude. Personally I think it is realistic and positive, I am not afraid of dying.

I AM afraid of spending the rest of my life in abject poverty, unable to see my son and granddaughter, unable to afford a decent place to live, unable to be a productive member of society, a burden. Unable to work but denied disability benefits.

The really twisted part of it all was; that although they weren’t able to hook up the pacemaker, they were able to implant a defibrillator, so there was no hope I would die.

BUT, it is all behind me now and although I feel like 6 months of an already shortened life, were stolen from me, for now, life goes on.

It seems that even without regular posts the blog has picked up followers and continues to help people. I was feeling uncertain about what to do with the blog, I have shared pretty well everything I had to share and to be honest was feeling a bit like a broken record repeating myself. I also felt I wasn’t living up to my commitment to the blog and the people who come here looking for help but I can’t stay stuck in the past either and need to challenge myself, expand myself, grow, live!

I have decided to focus on my book again, I am more than halfway done and it is a shame to not finish it. I cleaned up the appearance of the blog a bit and plan on spending an hour a day replying to comments and doing a weekly post.

It feels great to be back! to the blog and the land of the living!!

 

Save The Blog

A woman who came here back in 2012 stopped by the blog a couple of days ago. It is hard to believe it has been that long. I know in my logical mind that, that much time has gone by but where it went I don’t know. It just goes to show how a person can end up in an abusive relationship for 10 years before they know it.

It makes me very aware of how fast the rest of my life is going to fly by. Scary.

Some decisions have been made as far as my life and I have to admit I am having a hard time dealing with it today. I have worked so hard towards going to school and I really was positive it would eventually all pull together, how could it not? it made perfect sense. I try to stay positive and think God has a plan, a better one than I could ever imagine; but hey let’s be honest here, there are people in the world who never get a break.

This last week has been a bit of a whirl wind of activity and things coming at me from all angles, up and down and all around.

A few days ago I got a call from the school and my student loan had been approved. I was excited, that meant I could pay the short fall of $2500. I was approved for $9600. The course is 10,545. I had the $500 Bursary. They were going to pay me $1016 a month to live on. Not much but $400 more than what I am getting. But I had no where to live so I talked to my brother to see if he would even just say I was living with him and I would find some place to go. But as luck would have it, his boat didn’t sell and he said I could live on his boat. It’s 35 feet, two bedrooms and two bathrooms and the transit costs would be 1/2 what they were. That should make the funding committee happy. I had a place to live, I could cover the $2500 and I was going to take a little extra on my loan to cover moving costs, paying off my hydro bill from the winter etc. I had gone on the internet and printed off the route I had to take to get to school and even planned where I would park my car.

This was all on the weekend. I had spent all of Friday morning in the funding office getting everything signed and ready to hand in, she was going to deliver it by hand that afternoon.

I got a call this morning and what I had feared would happen did; now that I can get a loan for $9600 the funding committee (a guy named Ron to be exact) won’t pay for it. They say I have the means to cover my own costs. There are government grants for disabled people to retrain and I need to apply for them to cover the additional costs over the $9600. There is no way I would be approved by April 7th. But I can’t have a $10,000 loan. I am 57 years old and drive a 20 year old car with bald tires. After I finish the course I will make between $15 and $20 an hour and would be lucky to get full time. By the time I paid off the loan I would be 70 years old. I have a heart condition, that was the whole point of getting training, I hoped I could work part time past 64, but if I have a huge loan to pay back I won’t see any benefit from the training. And the boat won’t be available later anyway and there is no where I can rent for $500 a month. And I only get $375 for rent on welfare. So I have no way of living until I got the grants anyway.

I am dead in the water no matter which way I look at it. Not only am I dead in the water but I wasted a year jumping through their damn hoops for nothing.

So, my son is going to Saskatchewan to work, so he can pay off what he owes ICBC for fines and tickets from years ago. I can’t say too much because it is his private life and not mine to talk about but he hates to leave his daughter after just a few months ago finally the mother told her who her daddy was. It is breaking his heart to leave her but he can’t make enough money in Oliver where he moved to be close to her and he has job offers in Sask. The mother of his daughter was pissed that he wanted to leave. He has no choice, if he is caught driving he will do time in jail and then he won’t able to see his daughter OR pay child support. He has to go, he has no choice and I have been worried sick because he wasn’t going to leave. But I have told him I will go and stay in Oliver while he is away and take his place watching my grand daughter so the mother isn’t inconvenienced. I get to spend time with my grand daughter and he gets to go make some money. That was decided this morning also.

The only problem is my brother had work for me and now I can’t work for him and make a few hundred and the crunch is on to get my stuff packed up and stored. I am not going to pay storage on my stuff, I can’t afford it. I have a friend who will let me put boxes in her basement so I will have to get rid of all my furniture. It is not the first time I have done that but I really hate that every time I collect some things to live with I end up having to lose them again. But my son’s place is furnished and there is no where else to store it. Besides at the end of 6 months when he gets back I have no idea where or what I will do.

It is going to be harder to get by in Oliver than it was here. I made a hundred or so a month from my scrap pick up at Home Depot, my brother paid me to clean his house a couple of times a month, my neighbor gave me all my fruit and veggies for two years and my internet was included at the cabin. I won’t have internet in Oliver and can’t see how I can afford to get it. I won’t have a place to sell my painted stuff, I will be 5 hours away from where I live now and I will know no one.

I am very apprehensive and very discouraged right now.

I am sure I will find a way to get by. I don’t know. I am sick of struggling. I am going to take a break here and have a good cry, maybe pack something. I need to think.