Tag Archives: boundaries

Moving Forward With Boundaries In Place

Here is an excerpt from a post I did today on the No Reim’er Reason site.

“I found with James, over time my respect for him dwindled; and it bothered me. How can you love a man who you do not respect? For me it goes hand in hand; on the other side of the coin, how can you say you love me when you don’t show me respect? Love without respect is a contradiction of terms, it an oxymoron; just like a narcissist is an oxymoron, (I know, kinda cool that moron is part of that word, I caught that!)

I think it is important we talk about respect in a relationship if we are going to discuss re-entering the dating world after the narcissist.

How do you earn someone’s respect?”

We don’t think about the meaning of words, we toss the word respect around but what does it mean? how do we know we are being disrespected? It is important to have the answers to those questions BEFORE you start dating again. The narcissist demands respect, he expects compliance with his demands and if he doesn’t get immediate compliance he says you are not treating him with respect, so he will use fear to get you to comply. Fear has nothing to do with respect.

I know that from being a single mom of a teenage boy who outweighed me. I knew I had to have his respect because he would never fear me. Besides, who wants their kids to fear them? I much prefer have my son o things because he respects me and because I have walked my talk and lived true to the same standards I expected of him.

To find out how to earn someone’s respect and keep it join No Reim’er Or Reason by clicking on the donation button and paying a small one time only membership fee of $15. This offer is only good until 2016, after that the fee will be more and monthly. 

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Why Are We Still Teaching Our Young Girls That A Man Gives Them Worth

I was on Facebook the other day and saw a touching post by a mother who’s daughter is being bullied by her school mates about being over weight and unattractive. I forget exactly what her post said because, although I was touched by her daughter’s blight, it was some of the comments that really hit home with me. And not for the reasons you may think.

bullying

The mother posted a pic of her daughter in hopes of getting a bunch of likes and encouraging comments to make her daughter feel better and there were a lot of lovely messages of encouragement posted.

The first comment I read hit me between the eyes and I immediately felt angry. It got me thinking “And we wonder why women settle for less than they deserve and tolerate abuse just so they can say they have a man.”

The relatively young female who commented did so with genuine caring and with the best of intentions I am sure but her attitude screamed at me the problem with society and it’s attitudes about women. It is such a common belief people don’t even realize what they are saying.

I can’t quote the comment word for word but this is basically the message she conveyed.

“Don’t listen to them, you are beautiful inside and out. They are small minded and you are better than them. here comes the clincher………. wait for it……… Some day you will meet a man who will think you are beautiful and love you for who you are.”

I tried to respond to the post but for some reason was unable, but if I could have this is what I would have said.

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“Please, everyone commenting, I know you are all well-intentioned; but please! stop attaching a woman’s worth to having a man! This young lady has a whole future to look forward to, to live her dreams; encourage her to be the best version of herself that she can be. Tell her to live true to her inner voice, respect herself, and value herself and all her wonderful talents, some of which she may not even know she has yet. Explain to her that bullying comes from small minded people who are insecure, that is why they must bully others; in an attempt to make themselves feel powerful. Teach her how to set and defend boundaries and believe in herself so that when she meets a man she doesn’t compromise herself and her beliefs just to keep him. Don’t put so much value on having a man,  that someday if she ends up being abused she stays because it is better than being without a man. Encourage her to live for today and to actively seek out things that give her joy, to pursue her dreams and passions, forget what others think of her, if she lives true to her inner voice and living her life to the fullest; people will gravitate to her because her joy will radiate outward.

When you are doing something you love, you do it well, you can’t help it and doing something well builds self esteem and confidence. A person does not need to be part of the popular crowd, they don’t need dozens of friends (who really aren’t true friends) we only need one or two people who will have our back and not talk smack behind our back. But no matter what there is only one person you can or should rely on, only one person you need to be accountable to, one person who will be totally honest with you if you are willing to listen, and that person is you. Listen to your gut, not the crowds, not the bullies, not your girlfriends, or your boyfriends or what the latest teen magazine is saying about how to get a guy. Live your passion and always listen to what your gut instincts are telling you and you will find happiness and yes, you will find love.

I know bullying hurts, especially when you are a teen you want to be popular and no one deserves to be bullied, but to tell her that someday a man will love her and it will all be ok; is telling her she has to have a man to be valued. For generations upon generations we teach our girls that they need a man in their life to be whole, to be valuable, to be considered attractive, successful, and if you don’t have a man you are flawed in some way.

I wish to God that when I was 15-16-17-30!! someone would have said to me;

“Be you!! you are enough! you are special just the way you are. You don’t need to lose weight, you don’t have to be the perfect homemaker, you don’t have to tolerate shit from any man, just so you can say you have a man. “Man” does not complete a woman, she is a complete package all on her own and very capable of making it in this world. Since women’s lib, women have been proving they can do anything a man can do time and time again and instead of being respected and admired for their strength and brains they are told they can’t have it all, a career and a family. The only reason she can’t have it all is because people are clinging to the belief she is nothing without a man. She can be a homeowner, top executive, breathtakingly beautiful but if she doesn’t have a man everyone assumes she is flawed in some way.

I am 57 years old and I regret spending most of my life trying to be “enough”, I am tired of the hearing from people that a man will solve my problems; excuse me!! that attitude got me where I am today! I spent most of my womanhood trying to be the kind of woman who men want, I strived to be the perfect partner, loving, supportive, home owner, homemaker, a whore in the bedroom but a lady in public, the perfect hostess, the perfect mother, a good friend, and I continually gave more than I could afford to lose. Even after leaving James I an’t count how many times I was told, “It’s ok, some day you will meet a man who will love you for you.” As if without a man happiness isn’t possible; women are all on hold thinking once they meet a man, then they will be happy. What bunk!!!

All through high school I was told by my mom to wait until I got out of school, then I would meet a man who would love me. My dad was telling me that I was going to be a better wife than my mother was and I would know how to keep a man happy, I would never deny my husband sex, (yeah he actually said that) he even told me that when he was single he never went after the really beautiful women because the less attractive women tried harder. (yeah I hear ya, great way for a dad to talk to his daughter, well how about this one) if I wasn’t a good girl he would take my brother and leave mom and me. So the whole responsibility of keeping the family together fell on my shoulders, any wonder I had an ulcer at 9?

The whole time I hauled scrap metal no one understood why I would do that, my family thought I was crazy, but for the first time in my life I felt empowered, I wasn’t doing a job because it was a job I was told I should do, it wasn’t a typical woman’s job, I got dirty, greasy, and I worked as hard as any man and could operate that truck as well as any man and I was still every bit a woman. I felt attractive, in control, confident, I didn’t need anyone to tell me I was doing a good job. For the first time in my life I enjoyed going to work instead of crying every morning at the thought of being locked in an office all day and living for the weekends; and that radiated out.

I cringe at the thought of how many weekends I was quite content to be home with my son, putzing in my garden and at the same time feeling I should be with a man on a date. I remember having girlfriends who dated guys they didn’t even like just so they could say they had a date on the weekend.  I regret all the time I wasted worrying about whether the guy would all or not, whether I needed to lose 5 lbs, never feeling attractive enough because I look at old pictures of me and my God! there was absolutely nothing wrong with me!! If only I had known how attractive I was and appreciated myself more.

We never say to our boys, just wait, some day a girl will come along who will love you for you and then you will be happy and valuable, because boys don’t worry about that. When boys are taught about women terms like these are used;

They are “trapped”, a woman “catches” them, they get “tied down”, “lose their freedom”, “the old ball and chain”, “henpecked”, and if they get dumped they are told to just go to the bar, get drunk and get laid.  Who ever taught our young people that it is acceptable to ask for a pic of a girl naked and it was ok for the girl to send it??? and that it is acceptable behavior to give a guy a blow job and leave a lipstick ring as your “claim to fame”.

Why, someone please tell me! in a day and age when women are more independent, self sufficient and supposedly “equal”, and society has no excuse to be uninformed, a time when people talk openly about how wrong abuse against women is; are women still being told “wait until a man loves you”.

Why aren’t our girls being taught that;

  • If you are going to dress like a whore, men will treat you like a whore and there is nothing wrong with leaving a little bit to the imagination, it does not make you a prude, it gives you class.
  • It may be a double standard, but men on a whole do not respect a woman who has sex with them too soon and if a man is interested in you as a person and not simply as a vagina, he will wait until you feel comfortable.
  • Women may be able to do it all but they shouldn’t have to. There is no way a woman should be working full time and doing all the housework and child rearing also, and if the daddy of your children spends time with the kids, he is NOT giving you a break, baby sitting or doing anything miraculous; he is spending quality time with the children he fathered, period.
  • No one, male or female; should ever be treated with disrespect, hit, called names, or denied their feelings; ever! but we can not ask for respect, we must demand respect and if it isn’t given, we must be prepared to walk away.
  • There are people in the world who do not have a good side, evil people who will exploit you and use you; and you can not fix them nor should you try.
  • It is quite ok to not be liked by everyone, and for you to not like everyone.
  • It is ok to walk away from a relationship with a man without having proof he is an asshole. The fact that you are not happy is reason enough to walk, it doesn’t matter if everyone you know thinks he is a nice guy and you are crazy, you know how you feel and if your gut is saying to walk away, walk away!!
  • Listen to your gut instincts!! pulleeeeeeze!!!! it will never lie to you, trust yourself before you trust anyone else.
  • People should earn your trust, not automatically get trust until they prove they don’t deserve, then it is too late.
  • It is not selfish to say No to someone, and they should respect that you said no and not badger you, if they disappear because you said no then they were not the person for you. Never ever compromise your principles for anyone else. The minute you do you might as well walk away because from that day forward you will be expected to compromise more and more and No will mean nothing to the other person. The minute you compromise your values you have lost the game, he may be happy he got what he wanted but he lost respect for you and you for yourself.
  • We teach people how to treat us by what we allow. People say, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer, he kept badgering me, or he did it anyway……….. then you must walk away. He made his choice when he didn’t respect your feelings/wishes and so you must make your choice, tolerate being disrespected from this day forward or walk away with your head held high and your self respect intact.
  • And last but not least; have some loyalty to your gender, this is not a competition between women for who gets the guy. If you “take” another woman’s man, it does not make you a better woman, no matter what he is telling you. It makes you the next sucker in a long line of women who thought they got their worth from a man instead of from their integrity, honesty and values. and don’t be all surprised and indignant when he screws around on you. The number one unwritten rule for women should be, you never ever date a friend’s man, ever if he is an ex. Loyalty to your friends first and foremost and if he was worth your time and a decent guy, he would never have asked out a friend of his partner or ex partner. Think about it.

That is the end of my very long rant! *sigh* I feel better now, thank you all, I will just pick up my soap box and let you continue with your day.

Hugs to all!!

 

 

Finding The Right Man Instead Of Being The Right Woman

dating game

Something has happened to the dating scene since I was actively dating.

People meet and within a couple of months or even weeks they are living together, there is no way they know each other let alone love each other and here they are playing house when they should be dating and getting to know each other.

I think part of it is, times are tough, rents are high, people are working long hours, it’s just more convenient to live together than to try and cram dating into the mix, with an added bonus of one less rent to pay.

It is all fine while they are infatuated with each other and still in the throes of new love but that all fades pretty quickly when you are washing his shxx stained shorts and the used tampon is in the garbage can. Gross, I know but those are the facts of life when you live with someone. Many people who never should have gotten together are later dealing with the ugly process of splitting property, and moving out when it simply could have been as easy as saying, “No thanks I don’t want to go out, I don’t think we are well suited.” No fuss no muss. Even if one of you feels stronger about the other one, if you are just dating it is much easier to break up if you are not living in the same house.

I don’t understand it, couples just do not take the time to get to know each other. They rush sex and it is almost expected that by the 3rd date they will have sex, if it doesn’t something is wrong with the person who doesn’t want it. A talk on one of the POF’s forums were discussing this topic and most of the men said if they don’t have sex by the 3rd date they don’t ask the woman out again. Another forum had women moving guys in with them after a month or two, and wondering why they can’t find any decent men.

Women especially need to hold off on sex too soon.

Women’s rights be damned.

Yes I agree women should be able to have as much casual sex as a man, and not be looked down on because of it. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. But the truth is, their bodies are saying something different. When a woman has sex a hormone called oxytocin is released, and this hormone lowers our defenses, makes us more trusting, clouds our judgement, makes us more loving and, get this….. increases our level of empathy. It does not distinguish between casual sex and loving sex and is released every single time we have sex regardless.

So, while having sex may make you more tolerant and loving to your husband (a good thing), it can also make you trust the wrong person and fall in love with someone you should not be with. Consequently, why women can feel so intensely hurt when a short term relationship ends.

Men on the other hand, get a jolt of dopamine, the pleasure hormone; so he will want sex more but not because he is feeling especially close to the woman but because it felt good. That’s it, it felt good. it was pleasurable, and the woman is laying there falling in love.

See where there could be problems with this scenario?

And there is nothing you can do about it, stop trying to deny it, because it is nature, it just happens.

In order to protect themselves women have to understand their bodies better, know that having sex puts you at risk of falling in love with the wrong man, know that your gut tells you when you are in danger and listen to it, Call it intuition, call it a “feeling” , don’t doubt it.

Know your worth before you start dating, know what is important to you, what your “deal breakers” are, don’t have any? get some!!

Don’t date any man you plan on changing, if you find yourself thinking, he would be perfect if…………… or he has so much potential all he needs is a good loving woman like me…………… or “Sure he’s a ladies man but once he is with me he will settle down”…………. “I will change him” in any way………… DO NOT DATE HIM!!

Find a man with your morals, principles and goals in life. Now this will not necessarily protect you from a narcissist because the N will morph into your exact perfect mate in order to hook you BUT it will keep you from making a mistake none the less, and cuts the odds of you getting hooked up with the wrong guy. Like, if the guy does drugs and you are dead set against drugs, don’t even go there; the odds he is going to give them up for you are slim and there are going to be enough things that you aren’t nuts about that are going to appear over time, don’t start off with a major one like that.

Women especially need to figure out what their boundaries are, their “deal breakers” and then do not compromise them even once. If you start off compromising you have no where to go but down and without a leg to stand on. You have to remember the man is on his best behaviour, if he does drugs “once in a while” you can bet he is doing them often if not constantly, if he hit a woman “once” he has hit her multiple times and he will hit you. If he ever says you are too good for him, believe him.

not seeing the truth

When you meet a man, take time to get to know him and during that time, focus less on being the right woman for him and concentrate more on whether he is the right man for you.

Deception and Dating After the Narcissist

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I recently received an email from a regular visitor to this blog, Stephen Bach, who has a blog called The Narcissist’s Son commenting about a recent post of mine; Judgement Day.
He was question whether my post might cause confusion for some people reading it because I was warning women to be wary of a man who asked too many questions early in the relationship; in other words if the guy is arrogant and self-centered RUN and if he is too attentive and wants to know all about you RUN! It doesn’t leave a woman many choices. This is the conversation we had on the topic which will hopefully clarify any confusion my post caused. ( If it seems a little disjointed in spots it’s because I removed some personal sections of the emails from Stephen to protect his privacy)
The email from Stephen:
I was reading your Judgement Day post and had a comment that I was thinking of putting in the comments section but thought better of it.  I don’t want to incite others.  I do think the Judgement Day post is excellent and you expound on many excellent points.
My comment is this:
You mentioned that you found an N’s initial approach of getting the woman talking as a sign of an N.  While I do agree with this in concept, I also disagree with it at the same time.  Yes, an N will pump someone for personal information during the love bombing phase in order to collect information to later be used against you, but I don’t feel that just because a man asks a bunch of questions that it makes him an N.  During the initial phases of a relationship, I will ask many questions to try to establish our compatibility.  I will talk about myself when asked a direct question, but I am also very interested in learning to understand my potential partner’s desires, hobbies, and passions.  I think it’s very important that there is some common ground with interests, etc, or the relationship will have a very difficult time when there is only 1 activity that we like to do together (1 activity as an example situation).  
So the question becomes, how does a woman establish if she is being love bombed or if she has met someone that is taking a genuine interest in her?
I agree, listening to someone talk about themselves ad nauseum on the first date is a huge turnoff.  I’ve had it happen a few times.  If I’m constantly being interrupted and I feel like she’s orating her resume to me, it’s gonna be our last date.
Thanks Carrie!
Stephen
Stephen, even as I was writing the post I had the same thoughts as you. It just so happens that when I met JC I was actually waiting for a date to arrive that I met off POF. JC had said to call him if the date didn’t work out. Well the guy was what most people would consider a narcissist, full of himself, loud, everything had a price tag that he made sure everyone in the bar heard, ie: how much his car cost, how much his suit cost etc. He was a pompous ass lawyer and I couldn’t wait to get out of there. 

I went home and called the handsome stranger I had just met in the bar a few hours before. JC was the opposite, he was interested in me and what I liked but was (appeared) totally open and honest about himself. I could not believe my good fortune, especially after the hellish hour and 1/2 I had just spent with the lawyer.
It is very hard to know and that is what makes them so hard to detect. They have perfected effective communication, (in most cases) they are the ultimate sales man not your stereotypical car salesman, loud and brash.
 
I think the key is to take things slow and see if what they tell you about themselves is the truth, which can also be difficult. Like with James, he was new to town, didn’t have any long-term friends and the friends he had, seemed to think he was a great guy (none of those people are his friends now) He was in school to change his career due to a motorcycle accident so no way of knowing how his work ethic was. Many times a narc is new to town because it makes it easier to reinvent himself. I didn’t learn the truth about some of the things James told me in those first few months until 10 years later and many of them didn’t get revealed as lies until I was fully committed in the relationship. Mind you we did move in together rather quickly (about 4 months) and I think that is key; not get in over your head before at least a year has passed. Had I waited a year I doubt I ever would have moved in at all, that is why they push for commitment so hard, they know they are on borrowed time, their lies are going to start becoming obvious and they want the victim firmly hooked before that happens.
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There are so many factors but I think the big one is………………taking it slow!!! and listening to your gut.
Thanks for bringing it up, you are right and it makes it even harder for a nice guy to be believed and find a nice person.
 
Do you think I should change the post? I don’t want to mislead anyone.
Carrie
Great to hear back from you!

Wow, that’s really interesting how you met JC!  A question – did you tell JC during that first conversation about how much of a pompous jerk the guy that you were meeting in the bar was?  If so, you unwittingly told JC exactly what NOT to do in order to ‘win’ you.  Plus if JC was validating your experience with Mr. Pompous during that first conversation, you immediately would feel a bond with him.  
I completely agree that it’s hard to know what a potential partner is truly like during the initial dating phase. It’s very easy for someone to morph into someone else for a rather significant period of time.  Eventually their true colors will show, but it’s possible for a true master love bomber to keep up a good act for a very long time.  I totally agree, time is the best predictor of long-term potential.  I also agree, we have to trust our gut instincts.  If our gut tells us it’s too good to be true, it probably is.  If our gut tells us things are moving too fast, they probably are.  I’m always amazed at people that are shacking up within a month of meeting each other.  That is a total recipe for disaster.  
(I am learning to) build trust in myself that I am capable of spotting the red flags and capable of keeping myself from getting entangled in another dysfunctional situation. I think one of the major keys is to be able to trust ourselves and our instincts.  If we see red flags, what does our gut tell us?  Does our gut tell us that the red flag that’s flying is a serious issue or is it just him / her having a bad day and they truly don’t mean to behave that way?  Another behavior I had to learn was to confront bad behavior when I was exposed to it.  I often would never do this, and let my abusers get away with bad behavior because I did not hold them accountable.  When we confront the behavior, how does he / she respond?  Does he / she say “tough, it’s who I am, take it or leave it”?  Do they attempt to minimize the issue and rewrite our perceptions?  Do they gaslight and pretend it never happened?  Or do they own the behavior, offer a reasonable explanation, and / or apologize?   I feel that their response to being confronted regarding their behavior is one of the most indicative signs of someone who could be an abuser.  
I don’t think your post is necessarily misleading, although it could be confusing.  I would hate to think a woman would read that post and interpret it as “if he’s being nice, he’s really a jerk”.  That could have the effect of essentially closing the door on just about any man:  If he’s being a pompous jerk he’s not nice, and if he’s showing interest in you he’s not nice either, so what’s left?  I do agree that often (even for ‘normal’ people) the initial conversation and approach can be misleading with regard to a person’s true intentions.  I feel the key is to be on the lookout for abusive behavior and boundary issues, just like we might be on the lookout for other features of a potential mate.  I know for me, that as shallow as it sounds, I have to feel some sort of physical attraction or it just won’t work.  I have tried to date women that I don’t feel attracted to and it’s very difficult if not impossible after a while.  It’s part of who I am, and I know it’s shallow, but it doesn’t appear to be something I can change, so I’ve grown to accept it.  
Have a wonderful day!
Stephen
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Stephen, I had to laugh when you asked if I mentioned that the lawyer was a pompous ass because once I studied Narcissists I realized what I had done, I have always been an open book. I have always thought it was best to be open and honest, especially when first meeting a guy, why pretend to be something I am not, the guy might as well know what he’s getting into. I never play games, or try to change a guy and it had always worked for me, I always had an “if he likes me fine if not that’s fine too” attitude………….this is how our first few conversations went. The night we met I told him I was meeting this guy I’d met on a dating site. He asked what I thought of on-line dating, (he had never tried it himself) I said that I hadn’t had any luck and found a lot of the guys just wanted to talk over the net and I was an old-fashioned girl who liked face to face or at the very least a phone call. 

Later he gave me his number. (putting the control in my hands, or so I thought)

(I had already given him a HUGE hint by saying I wasn’t into the internet and valued face to face)
When I called him later that night the first thing he said was, “How was your date?”
My exact words were, “He was a pompous ass lawyer.”
(how is that for putting a bulls-eye on myself?) He laughed. I thought he thought I was cute and witty, now I realize he was laughing with glee at how easy this was going to be.
 I refuse to never date again because I am afraid, there are N’s every where and we will never be able to eradicate them from the world, we had better be prepared to deal with them and be able to protect ourselves. They don’t attack the weak, they attack anyone and they are masters at impersonating a caring human being, perfect for the target but we don’t have to believe everything everyone tells us, we can date someone for a few months while we get to know them and pick up on the little things that give them away. The little giveaways’ are there as long as we listen to our gut and not bury them because we don’t want to face the truth. As much as the narcissist is cunning and a master manipulator we do have to take responsibility for part of our own deception, we lied to ourselves and that is the most dangerous part. We saw the truth and chose not to believe our own instincts, that is what really got us in trouble and hurt.
As for the attraction thing, I agree…… there was a huge physical attraction with James right from the start and that is the way I have always been. If I am not physically attracted to a man I just do not date him, he could be a great guy but if that physical attraction isn’t there I can’t get past it, i have tried and after a while it just isn’t fair to the other person. That is part of the reason I don’t think I will date again, at my age a lot of men don’t take care of themselves and they have a big beer gut etc and I know I am older and not as attractive as i used to be but I still take care of myself and haven’t let myself go. I am just not attracted to a guy if he is over weight and out of shape. it might be different if we grew old together, I don’t know what I would have felt like if James had let himself go, I can’t imagine not loving him no matter how he aged. 
Well this got really long.
If you don’t mind I would like to use some of our conversation in a post, I will eliminate the personal stories, give you credit and link your site but you made some good points and I can link it to the other post and then people get all sides of the issue.Hi Carrie –

Sure, you are welcome to use whatever you would like in a post from our conversation.  I’d be honored 🙂
Isn’t it wild how when we look back at those initial interactions we find that we literally spoon fed vital information to our abuser?  With my 2nd exW, she had shown me SO many red flags that even in my lifelong state of denial of red flags I saw them.  Yet I married her anyway.  She was truthfully very smart and knew exactly how to manipulate me.  She was a master gaslighter, and we would have conversations about “issues” and then she would go off and behave like our conversation never happened and I would be left dumbfounded.  I mistakenly felt that if I loved her enough that she would see just how wonderful I was and stop abusing me. (yeah, right!  I took the same approach with my narcissist mother and look how that one turned out!).  She had absolutely zero respect for me, and would openly flirt with other men right in front of me.  It was disgusting.  She had every trait of BPD.  The whole relationship was a total nightmare.  I knew she was a train wreck from the day I met her.  When I met her, she was sleeping with a married man and I knew it.  I should have never pursued her.
That’s horrible about JC and his porn / sex addiction.  I agree, the lying about it is the worst part. I’m surprised that he never contracted an STD and brought it home to you if he was philandering that much.  I don’t doubt for every incident that you knew about there were probably 5 that you didn’t know about.  In my opinion, cheating is the ultimate disrespect in a relationship. I think you were more than fair when you told JC that some people are OK with having an open relationship, but I’m not.  I wonder if he was more lying to you or to himself when he said he wanted a committed relationship with you?  One of the aspects of N behavior I find ironic is that they are often looking for ‘ideal’ love, and then turn around and destroy any chance they might have of getting into a situation that might resemble ‘ideal’ love. My BPD exW used to call me her ‘split apart’, like we were made for each other and then go back to flirting with any guy (or gal) that would pay attention to her.  She had the audacity to once tell me that I should be proud that so many men hit on her and it shouldn’t bother me.  Yet, if a woman ever came onto me at a gig, she would be furiously jealous.  Someone hitting on her is one thing, her flirting back is an entirely different animal. 

  I can understand how someone that had recently come out of a bad situation would have a hard time ever letting themselves be vulnerable again, but eventually we have to make peace with it all. I refuse to be defined by my past.  If I refuse to date I let my past define me and my abusers win.  They have beaten me down to a point where I am not even willing to risk a relationship again.  I will not let that happen.  That being said, I’m currently planning on taking at least 3 months or so off of dating.  I’ve been dating a lot and haven’t really found anyone that has real LTR potential, and I need a break (that would be me listening to my gut :))

ImageStephen, I don’t think James ever intended to be in a committed relationship, I think he “wanted” me, he wanted to own me, I was what he needed at the time to convince his family that he was a nice guy, (he had totally annihilated the relationship with his family, been disowned by his step dad and needed credibility, respectability and to appear changed) and I was just the woman to do that for him. The first half of the relationship I truly believed he was misunderstood and his greatest crime was to be naive and get involved with the wrong type of people. He may have been possessive of me but I know now (even though at the time I thought we had a special love and bond that few people ever find) that I was only there as a tool and he had full intentions of screwing around. He knew he could not be faithful, he knew he needed the attention of other women in order to survive. When he came back to me the last time saying he had been given 6 months to live and I was all the woman he would ever need, he was living with another woman in another province; yet he promised total honesty and fidelity. He was trucking and needed a woman in BC because he was doing a monthly run to Vancouver, I was nothing more than a convenient source of narcissistic supply; the “sure thing” in BC. He actually referred to me as a “sure thing” and I thought he was just struggling to find the right words and not being honest. I think sometimes they actually are honest and we interpret it the way we want to and they just allow us to take it anyway works for us. One thing I know for sure, James never loved me. 
When he met his new woman he had different needs, he needed a roof over his head, stability, and he was looking to retire. He set out to find a woman with money. Again he was “honest” with me when he explained why he chose her over the woman I had caught him with. He had been dating 10 different women and had narrowed it down to one who I gather was good-looking and into him AND had a home but the house was tied up because her husband’s name was on title and he was fighting her for the house. James’s exact words were, “Her husband is fighting her over the house and it just wasn’t going to work for her and I so I went with M.” 
He was also honest with me when after we split he said he was “as faithful as he could be”. 
No matter how I look at the relationship, No matter what he did or how many lies he told, it all boils down to one fact that would have saved me 9 years of heart ache………………….
I did not listen to my gut and react to the deception as I felt I should have, I can not count how many times in the last 9 1/2 years my gut was screaming for me to run from the relationship and I didn’t listen. I thought leaving him was more than I could bare. Yet here I am after all those years of abuse, without him and still standing. We can all survive a broken heart even if we don’t think we can and it is always easier to leave sooner than later. Never before in any of my relationships did I have such indecision about leaving so I am going back to the way I used to date, when things don’t feel right I am not going to doubt myself.



Rejecting Abuse-by Chris Cade

Before we dive deep, I’m going to explicitly state that for the purposes of this exploration I’m focusing specifically on issues relating to adults who are on a path of conscious living. Children are a different matter, and though the concepts can be adaptable, it requires an appropriate translation which I am choosing not to explore today.
That caveat aside, the instant I wrote the subject line for this email, I buried my head in my hands for a moment.
I thought to myself:”How can I even begin to answer this question?”(The question was asked of me in response to “Not Liking Something Is Not A Valid Reason To Reject It”). As I felt the gravity of exploring this very sensitive and sad topic, my heart sank.

A part of me cried for adults and children alike. Abuse and violations are rampant in our world. They range from the extremes of murder, rape, war, and genoicide – to the smaller scale violations of not trusting our inner guidance, not standing up for ourselves or others when it’s right to do so, or even the momentary inner betrayals of falling back into the pains of unwanted habits that we’re trying to break free from.

The thing is, what I’m about to share applies to all of those situations… big and small alike. It may not seem so at first, but the thread is common.

Loretta had asked me: “If I am being violated, is it okay to reject the behavior? As in, ‘I dislike being in a space with someone who is violating my sense of self either emotionally, spiritually, physically and/or psychologically.’And if it is okay to reject the violating behavior, how do I reject the violation while still showing the person acceptance and love? Is there a key to seeing past the behaviors that I perceive as violating (which are being exhibited unintentionally and sometimes intentionally) and focusing instead on the essence and wholeness of the person when my sense of self is being pummeled and I am knocked out of center? (Which, interestingly enough, at these precise times, I do not feel whole myself.) How can I be closer to the person in love in that moment, when many things that I am working on healing in my sense of self is hurting and wants to push them away? ”

There is no easy answer to the questions Loretta raises. And while there are many ways to look at this, my intention is always to point people back to themselves for the Truth. The reason is that when we look only to solve the symptoms (abuse and violations), we’re looking at the results – not the cause.  When we seek the Truth, we look for the cause which then prevents the symptoms from ever surfacing. This is also just a small part of why today’s discussion isn’t going to focus on children, but rather, adults like you and me who are committed to to living conscious, intentional lives.

To be explicitly clear: abuse and being violated is never okay.This isn’t a moral judgment. It’s an expression of compassion and our humanity. It simply isn’t okay to betray other people, nor is it okay to betray ourselves. Yes, it happens. Yes we all do it. And that doesn’t make it okay. And when I say “not okay,” it’s about the pain we feel. The pain of betraying ourselves informs us that we’re moving away from our True Nature.

Pain is like a compass. When its cause is betrayal, we can be sure that we’ve taken a step away from living our best, most abundant life.

When the pain is of healing – it’s not really pain of the Present moment. It is the pain of the past being released, and in this case, the compass is pointing us towards our best, most abundant life.

Unfortunately, abuse and violating behavior are part of the world we live in whether we “like” this fact or not.  For this reason, acceptance of the behaviors is absolutely necessary. We must accept that it is part of our world because the rejection of it only furthers its energy… makes it stronger… makes it more painful.

Rather than focusing on the other person’s behavior as what needs fixing, I would suggest pointing the compass back towards ourselves. Taking responsibility for our perceptions and actions. 
Specifically, consider the possibility that setting a clear boundary, and enforcing that boundary, is not inherently rejecting anything. It is affirming your Truth, your Being, and what you need to thrive in life.There is a world of difference between pushing somebody or something away (rejecting) and standing ones’ own ground with a clear boundary. Also consider the possibility that accepting and loving somebody does not require us to condone their behaviors. I liken this to the metaphor, “You’re not a bad child. You’re a well-intentioned child who did something that was hurtful to another being.” And consider the possibility that acceptance does not mean inaction. I believe it was Eckhart Tolle who said (paraphrasing) that when we are in an abusive situation, acceptance does not mean we sit there and stay still and be at peace with it.Acceptance means we see the situation for what it is, choose to remain at peace, and if possible take an action that removes us from the abusive situation or proactively seeks to reconcile it in an affirming way. The reality is that there is *no* easy answer to Loretta’s question. Books or even volumes of books could be written about it and the topic would still have much to explore. Every situation is different. In that light, my intention is not to fully answer the question that she posed. Instead, I focus on giving you more perspectives to explore within and see what is true for you. You may have a different experience or solution that is appropriate that nobody else would have thought of. And if you’re ever in an abusive or violating situation (God help you, I hope that isn’t the case), you may have to find the Truth that applies specifically to your situation.
I don’t know.

What I do know, is that my heart aches for every person on this planet who experiences abuse or violations both in big and small ways.

My heart aches for the person who tries to kick an unhealthy habit.

My heart aches for the person who has an abusive family member, friend, or significant other.

My heart aches for those of us who are in deep physical pain.

My heart aches for those who are in deep emotional pain.

My heart aches for these things and many more.
These heartaches are signposts.

They’re compasses that let me know there is more healing to be done in our world. They are neither good nor bad. My hope is that by empowering you with new opportunities to discover your own Truth, perhaps you’ll find ways to heal a little bit of that pain within yourself…And by extension, help heal the rest of the world a little bit as well.
Your Partner In Transformation,Chris Cade
Liberate Your Life
ChrisCadeCoaching.com