It happens occasionally that, (usually) a woman; comes in and is calling a man a narcissist because they fell in love with a player and he didn’t love them back. There is a difference between a narcissist and a player and Bethany and her male guest (sorry I don’t have a clue who the guy is) explain it well in this clip from an old show off Bethany.
Most players never grow out of it. Ol Heff never professed to be anything other than a player but I have never heard any woman telling tales of how he lied to them and destroyed them. He never pretended to be anything other than what he is.
I have done it myself in my younger days. A good-looking guy asks the woman out, he is obviously a player, she goes to bed with him anyway and ends up getting hurt.
For example; in my younger day,I guess I was about 30 at the time, I was in a club with my mom (my mom and dad had split about a year prior and my mom was just starting to enjoy being single after 29 years of marriage) and there was this REALLY good-looking, sexy guy on the dance floor. God he knew how to dance! Next thing I know he is on the dance floor by himself and he is obviously trying to get some lucky woman to come dance with him. It was the sexiest thing I had ever seen, he was dancing like Patrick Swatzye in dirty dancing when my mom says, “He’s dancing for you.”
I said, “Naw” and looked behind me expecting to see a woman standing there but there was no one, I looked all around me and I was the only woman in the direction he was focusing his dance. He HAD to be dancing for me and he was motioning for me to come out and join him. I shook my head and he danced right up to where I was sitting and grabbed my hand, so I went out there and oh my Lord he was sexy. He bought me a drink, we talked all night and he asked if I was there very often. I wasn’t usually but I made sure to be there often after that. It turned out that every time I went he was there and we would hook up, some times he would invite me to a party after the club closed and yes we ended up having sex. In fact after the first time we had sex, every time we hooked up we ended up having sex. It didn’t take long for me to realize that was all I was to this guy and I stopped showing up at the club.
I had a few twinges of a bruised ego, why didn’t he want more than just sex? I knew it was because all he wanted was sex and I made it easy for him. He never lied to me, never pretended to want more, I was there, he was attracted to me but he wasn’t looking for anything more than sex at that time. I knew then, and I know it even better now; not every man is going to fall in love with me. I also know that it is ok for two consenting adults to enjoy a romp in the sack without a commitment.
When I met JC 10 years later I pegged him as a player almost from the start, and I decided early in the relationship that I was going to have sex with him, even if just one time. I found him extremely sexy, I was 40 years old, he was 6 years younger, I really was not thinking it was ever going to work into anything more than a few dates, some good sex (hopefully) and we would part ways. Our third date he invited me to his house for dinner and we ended up having sex and I stayed the night but had to work the next day so left first thing in the morning. He insisted on buying me breakfast and he called that night to make plans for another date on the upcoming weekend. He called me at least once or twice a day during the day and every evening. We talked for hours and the more we talked the more we had in common. I went to his place for our date on a Friday night and stayed the night again. The next morning about noon I packed up my stuff and was heading home. He seemed surprised that I was leaving and said as much. I told him that he hadn’t asked me for the whole weekend and I had made plans for Saturday. He begged me in his cute little boy way that he had, but I went home. The following week he called every day and took me out for dinner to meet his best friend on the Thursday night and well…. that was it, if we didn’t see each other we at least talked every day for the next 8 years. I had to tell him not to call me so much at work because I was too busy to spend so much time on the phone while at work. He was the one pushing for more, he was the one that said he loved me first, he was the one who was talking like we were a couple, talking about the future, telling me he had thought he was in love before but now he knew what true love was, making me promise to never change. THAT makes him a narcissist.
When we finally moved in together and he threw all my furniture in the dump because, “Babe, we’ll buy some new stuff that we pick out together, I’m going to make enough money we can get really nice stuff we both like.” And then a month later was telling me that I forced myself on him and he never wanted to live together. THAT is a narcissist.
My first husband could not be faithful, if he went out with the guys and a woman showed interest he couldn’t walk away. It hurt, we fought about it, but he never lied, he never blamed me for his infidelity, I believe he really did love me and he never would have left me but I could not live with him being with other women. He never had affairs, he slept with them one night and that was it, never made promises to them and never lied to me. We had wonderful Christmases, he always did nice little things for me, brought me flowers for no reason, never forgot a birthday or Valentine’s, we made plans and he always showed up. I could count on him to be there for me if I was sick, my family loved him. I never felt less a woman, I never took it on as my problem because he never made it my problem. I wasn’t left with sexual hangups or feeling I was unlovable or not worthy of being loved. For years I thought of him as my one true love and that I would never love any man the way I loved him; until I met James.
If you have been happily married for 25 years, and your husband has always been faithful, he has never lied to you and you enjoyed family Christmases together, raised your kids together, never argued about money and he never denied that he loved you and then one day he is in love with the secretary at his office and he is leaving you. That does not make him a narcissist, it might make him an asshole, it might means he is going through a midlife crisis or the two of you drifted apart and were too wrapped up in the kids or whatever and let the marriage get boring. Sometimes people just fall out of love and there just happens to be some young thing looking mighty fine standing right beside him telling him how sexy he is. Should he screw around? No! if the marriage is in trouble he should have worked on the marriage instead of finding someone else or at least been honest and left the marriage before he screwed around. It hurts like hell and it feels like your world is crumbling in around you, but it does not make him a narcissist. Sometimes marriages just end, sometimes it is both people’s fault or maybe one stopped trying; it happens. You split up the property, you blame each other for the demise of the marriage but eventually you get some closure, you each own your own shit, share custody of the kids and sometimes even become friends. If tragedy strikes you can call them and cry on their shoulder and they you. I have had two marriages that ended and yeah there were fights, but when it come right down to it we worked it out and went on with our lives.
A narcissist doesn’t allow that. With a narcissist you have to be totally to blame for his behaviour and yours and you have to hate each other. If you try to not hate him he will continue to hurt you until you do hate him. There is no other way with them.
I am not advocating for the players of the world but players are often mistaken for narcissists and narcissists may be players but they are in a class all their own.