Tag Archives: change

Narcissists -Nurture or Nature?

I made this comment on another blog very”Narcraiders” If you haven’t been there you should check it out. The post was about how narcissists/psychopaths are made. I typed it all on my phone so excuse any typos, but I said alot and didn’t want to type it all. Here it is-
Betty, This is a very good article and I agree on 99% of it but in my opinion (and I have no formal education on the topic only my own experiences after 10 years with a psychopath/narcissist and research that I have done in my quest for answers to “What the hell happened to me”) I believe narcissists/psychopaths are born disabled. Just like a baby can be born without eye sight, missing a limb or deaf; a N is born with out a soul and will never feel guilt, compassion or remorse.

Through research etc they have invented ways to help people born with disabilities through prosthesis and surgery; thus for there has been no way to give an N a soul and no yellow brick road that leads to a wizard who can give him one.

The reason I believe they are born this way is because not all people with this disorder had a traumatic upbringing yet it doesn’t seem to matter what they upbringing was like they all have almost exactly the some traits and behaviour.

often we hear of a family where there are several children all raised by the same two parents in the same home yet one of them, no matter what the parents did was born trouble. The other children all go on to be normal members of society but the one sibling continues on a course of leaving destruction every where they go. I think upbringing does factor in and that with the right upbringing the N will learn the skills necessary to function in mainstream society. They are probably the scariest of all because they have learned to hide their true selves. The ones raised in abusive homes wouldn’t have been taught how “normal” people live and would have a harder time fitting in.

My ex was raised in a very loving, yet strict home where they tried to accommodate his special needs, from what I’ve heard from all involved in his life, he was trouble from the day he was born almost. Always in trouble with the law, lying, drugs, alcohol, petty crime, yet highly intelligent.

I know of another N who was raised in an extremely abusive home where he was beaten on a regular basis, he has had more incidents with the police and is a little more rough around the edges but the behaviour is almost identical to the one who was raised in a loving home.

Yet, you can find many examples of people raised in horrific circumstances who go on to lead productive normal lives and maintain loving relationships.

In my mind it only makes sense that if a person is the way they are because of some traumatic event, then through counselling and/or meds the damage should be reversible. From the research I’d done there is no evidence showing narcissism has ever successfully been reversed. If a person has a soul, no matter what happens they will always have a soul and experience guilt, and empathy to some degree even if they try to shut off their feelings. But if a person in born without a soul they will never feel as normal people do and there is no hope of recovery or lasting change.

There could be change if they wanted to change because they could learn right from wrong even if they don’t feel it they could fake it; IF they thought there was a need for change. (but they don’t because they don’t care about anyone but themselves and their immediate gratification.) A person born blind can learn brail, they can build a prosthesis limb for a child born without arms or legs, but there is no help for a child born without a soul. That is sad, but for me it is easier to walk away knowing that there is no hope of change.

In my situation I believed I could “fix” my ex, I had read that narcissism was caused by some catAstrophic event in the persons past and they put up this defense. There is always the danger then of thinking if you love them well enough, prove you won’t leave them or hurt them some day they will miraculously see the light and appreciate your efforts. I have heard it said many times and I had the same train of thought, “he’s really just afraid of being hurt again, he is pushing me away before I hurt him, I can’t desert him now”. They are so good at “showing their sweet loving side” at just the right moment so as to keep their victim off balance and believing there really is a sweet hurt little boy deep inside that women stay for decades. But I have not heard of one case where a woman was able to love a narcissist enough that change occurred. You would think that if an N ever had a soul someone, at some time would have been able to heal a narcissists soul; but I certainly have not found any evidence of it occurring.

Thank you for letting me voice my opinion; and that is exactly what it is, MY opinion.

I enjoy your blog very much, as I do Paula’s, and I believe we all have the same goal in mind with each of or blogs and that is to help those who find themselves involved with someone with this disorder, heal and go on to live a life worth living.

My goal is to prove to every victim, every narcissist, and myself that it is possible to survive and thrive after a relationship with a narcissist.

hugs and much love to you and your readers.

Quotes For Change

Moral cowardice that keeps us from speaking our minds is as dangerous as irresponsible talk.
The right way is not always the popular and easy way.
Standing for right when it is unpopular is a true test of moral character.

Margaret Chase Smith

From the cowardice that shrinks from new truth, from the laziness that is content with half-truths, deliver us.

Ancient Prayer

The ability to pursue a course,
Whether it is a popular one or not, is measured in courage.
The greater the courage, the greater the possibility we will act for change.

Mildred Pitts Walter
From “The Horn Book”