Tag Archives: Charity

Acts of charity giving and receiving

How Do I Apply For Refugee Status?

I wrote my Ombudsman the other day, for the 3rd time in the past year; to ask how I go about applying for refugee status.

Am I being factitious? of course, Canada is where people come to escape persecution and have a better life. Canada and the USA are made up of generations of people who dreamed of a better life, freedom of speech, and protection from racism, persecution and suffering.  And if you are a refugee coming to Canada that is what you will get, but not if you are a born and raised Canadian.

I was born in New Westminster, 57 years ago, always lived in Canada, worked from the time I was 13 and have paid my taxes unemployment insurance, and into the Canada Pension Plan my whole life. I have been a business owner and a home owner, contributing to the economy of Canada my whole life. I have been  charitable law abiding citizen of Canada, never once packing a bomb or gun or uttering any threats against my country or my fellow Canadians. I have successfully helped several immigrants fill out their applications for citizenship and to bring loved ones to Canada. We have lots of land up here, room for thousands and I am not greedy, I have been known to go home and take 1/2 of everything in my cupboards box it up and give it to someone without food. On several occasions I took the family grocery shopping at Christmas with two shopping carts and everything we bought, the same was put in the other cart to be donated to a family in need. Not the typical mac and cheese, or long noodle soup people donate, but the good stuff, chips, nuts, cranberry sauce, cheeses, crackers, all the things we look forward to pigging out on through the Christmas holidays. I am not a selfish person and I don’t give two shits about being recognized for my efforts, that is not why I did it. I did it because I hate to see people do without, I can’t enjoy my good fortune when I know there are people out there going without, especially young children. I have literally given the coat off my back to a young child without a warm coat.

I will say Happy Holidays if Merry Christmas offends you, or Happy Hanukkah, and I won’t be offended if you don’t worship God as I see him/her and I will try your traditions, respect your beliefs, and I love to try different foods from different countries.

I respect your right to not say the Lord’s Prayer in school, and I respect your right to wear your traditional head gear or Burgha.

My irritation comes from losing MY right to say the Lord’s Prayer in school, MY right to wish people Merry Christmas, and MY rights to a roof over my head, food on my table and protection from those people who mean to do me harm.

If I was able to get refugee status I would qualify for full medical and dental coverage, I would be guaranteed a roof over my head, an education, food, and protection from the narcissistic people who threaten my existence.

I am all for helping the persecuted and the hungry masses, no one should get away with murdering innocent women and children, any where! not in Syria, not in Canada, but I DO feel charity should begin at home.

And THAT my friends is the thorn in MY side right now, and that does not even touch on the fact that Yes we are all immigrants in some way, it is a totally different scenario now than generations ago.

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A Little Update

I haven’t been posting much lately, I have been in a bit of a slump to be honest. I guess it’s the Christmas blues. I should be used to it and I don’t know why it is hitting me this hard this year. Well, yes I do know why.

I can’t say too much because it has to do with my son’s life and I have no right to talk about what goes on in his life.

Plus I had hoped I would see my grand daughter this Christmas but I do totally understand that it is not so easy, her and her mom live on the other side of a HUGE mountain pass that will be covered in snow from now until late spring and it is dangerous to drive it, if you don’t have to, most people won’t. I did last year and it was the drive from hell and that was in February, so I certainly don’t expect them to make the drive. I let myself get carried away planning how great it would be to have them here and see her open her gifts etc.

My son has decided to move there to be closer to his daughter, again, totally understandable, but that means I am alone again this Christmas. I have done it so many times and i always get through, after all it is just another day. I used to love Christmas and still decorate the whole house but I just don’t have that festive spirit. It’s not that I miss the wospos, at least I know there is no one purposely planning on destroying my Christmas, it is circumstances  not a plot against me that I am going to be alone. There was not one Christmas with the wospos that was pleasurable, I always decorated but there was never any gifts, no company, no big dinner, no snuggling by the fire and basking in the glow of our love. (gag)

I had planned on decorating his boat all Christmasy, I get Christmas lights in scrap from one of my pick ups and sometimes they work. I have been putting the working ones aside and had enough to do a really excellent job decorating his boat so when they got there it would be this beautiful glow of Christmas cheer. I was going to put a little phoney Christmas tree in it and I had already cleaned it and hauled all the dirty bedding out and washed it, all the towels etc, so everything was going to be fresh and clean (my son let some guys use it just before he left and they left it a disaster). My girlfriend gave me a beautiful goose down duvet and I washed it and I bought a new cover for it on sale. I also got a really good deal on some nice crisp white sheets. (I have been picking things up for months in preparation for this) I found some toss cushions that were like new at the thrift store. Where Kaela sleeps on the boat is kinda yucky, so I had some light green chiffon material I was going to make a canopy like thing, I have some paint and other dodads I was going to use to make her a little princess castle with a little ladder to get up to it. I had been picking crayons and colouring books etc for a little toy corner for her. Now he is not keeping the boat so there is no point in doing all that to it.

I was really  excited about doing it because I thought it would be such a new surprise for them to come back to the boat and it has been transformed, it wasn’t costing me much; it was all my labour and imagination. Now that I can’t do that I have nothing to give him. His birthday is Dec 20, and I thought the boat would be his birthday present,  I can’t even give him the sheets because they are for a double bed and he doesn’t have a double.

Then you all know about the rat, I haven’t seen another one but I am paranoid now and Stella drives me insane because she is paranoid also. The other day she was going nuts by the back door and the closet beside the door, sniffing around and barking, running to me for protection. I thought for sure there must be another rat but I finally figured out it was my mukluk that has a fur trim that was freaking her out. haha silly girl

THEN we have had so much rain, the lake flooded and was right up to my back door, and then a cold snap hit and the lake froze making a skating rink out of my road and my pipes froze. I went 3 days without water but finally got them thawed the other day. I put a work light under the house near the pipes and they thawed but I can’t leave it on because then if I plug anything in, in the house it blows the breaker. So it is a juggling act of only one heater going in the house but if I cook I have to turn the electric fireplace off because it will blow the breaker. I know there is something wrong with my wiring for it to blow like that but the owner won’t have it looked at and I can’t afford to have an electrician come.

I broke a tooth a couple of days ago and I have to get it fixed, it is right in front and I hate the dentist. I just hope they can fix it and don’t have to pull it.

And the bills keep piling up. I was all caught up a couple of months ago but I have on outstanding hydro bill of over $100, the phone company is threatening to cut me off again, I have a speeding ticket from a couple of years ago that I had until Dec 1 to pay and I haven’t so I don’t know what happens if I get pulled over, I hope I don’t get arrested. Shessh

I usually make some extra money by painting things and selling them but this year I was working on my funding package because I felt that was more important but now I don’t have stuff to sell.

The woman who I handed my funding package to just laughed when she saw it, she said she has never had anyone hand in a more organized and complete package. She kept laughing as she flipped through it, shaking her head and saying, “You did my job for me.” I guess I am a bit anal, but I want it to get accepted so badly and didn’t want any reason for them to turn me down or postpone approving it. I just pray it goes through, I can’t think of any reason why it wouldn’t but we are dealing with the government here. It doesn’t pay me a lot more living expenses but it gives me an education and almost doubles what they allot me to live on which would be a livable amount.

Anyway, I have been busy trying to thaw pipes, kill rats and just been a bit depressed to be honest. Tired of struggling, missing my son and granddaughter, uncertain about my future, trying to think positive.

I’ll survive, it is just the way life is sometimes.

If by chance anyone can help me get through to January I would really appreciate it. I hate to ask, I really hate to ask but with any luck it will be the last time I have to ask and I will start my new year in school.

Chump Lady Reaches Out To Help The Orphans Of Sudan

orphans

Some of you may have discovered the Chump Lady site. I have been following Tracy’s blog for some time now and really enjoy her straight from the hip approach to advising people what to do when their spouse has cheated. As most of us bloggers who blog about relationship issues, she writes from experience and does it with cutting sarcasm and no nonsense advice. Although she doesn’t talk about Narcissists per say, from the content of the letters she gets I am willing to bet money I don’t have that 90% of the people who arrive at her blog were involved with an N.

She too has one very important bit of advice – No Contact!! You might want to check her out if you need a kick in the butt and are filled with indecision about whether you should kick your guy to the curb or not and if you are thinking maybe you could have do more, or done it differently and if he has changed for the new woman.

Or maybe you are just down today consumed with your problems, sometimes helping someone less fortunate helps to take our minds off our own problems if you are feeling generous check out this post today from Chump Lady. This is a cause especially close to my heart.

As many of you know my ex went to Sudan as a volunteer to help start up farms for the people who are trying to survive in a place I can only describe as hell on earth. I thought it was the most unselfish thing he had ever done and even though we were split at the time I chose to support his efforts and see if he carried through. If he did it would prove that he had changed and I would give him another chance.

farming

It took months for him to get ready to leave, he had to fill containers with tools, farm implements and food, get his shots, passport, and then it was too dangerous and Canada had advised Canadian not go to Sudan. All the while he stayed with me pissing off my landlady because he had the containers in the driveway, was making noise at all hours and the usual stuff he did to make people angry. I defended him because he was doing it for such a worthy cause. Finally I drove him to the airport with a love card tucked in his suitcase for him to find when he unpacked; we had our teary goodbye, said I love you and off he went.

He wasn’t gone long before he came back to order supplies and put a couple of containers together of much needed supplies. I was horrified by his stories of life in Sudan, how the people are trying to farm with broken rakes and sticks, the filled to overflowing orphanages, so I started collecting stuff to add to his shipment. I did a farm cleanup and contributed dozens of farming implements, rakes, shovels, hoes, picks, and I cruised thrift stores and bought clothes and toys for the orphanage.

Long story short, He picked a fight with me and disappeared, changed his phone number and just never came home. I received a call from the head of the charitable organization he was volunteering with, he was calling in a panic because he had sent my ex a cheque for equipment for over $20,000 and not heard a word from him and his phone was no longer in service. I figured I knew who would know his new number and told the guy I would get back to him. I called the friend of his I knew would have the new number and told some bullshit story and he gave me the number. I called the head of the charity back and gave him the new number. Guess who showed up at my door a day later. It was all a misunderstanding dontcha know.

He went back to Sudan and ended up getting run out of the country. You can read about it here on my post from 2012 titled Out of Africa

Anyway, that is why I have an emotional connection to Sudan and the orphan’s of Sudan. If you are feeling generous today head over to Chump Lady.

It’s Been About A Month Since My Last Update

I am not even sure where I left you all with my last update. Things have kinda gone down the toilet lately.

I think I mentioned that i managed to get into a “introduction to Counseling” course and had worked out payment to be an exchange of yard work or something. I went to one class and thoroughly enjoyed it! Everyone was so friendly, most of them were drug and alcohol counselors, I was the only one who wasn’t a counselor already. i thought I might feel uncomfortable but everyone was so welcoming. I was the only one there who was interested in getting into working with victims of abuse and one woman came up to me and said how glad she was I was in the class because she was excited to see what I could had to the class being that I was into a different area of counseling than everyone else. Apparently the fellow teaching the course is very highly thought of in the industry and truly walks the walk and isn’t just all words. He has helped a lot of people, goes above and beyond what is required (obviously because he was willing to barter with me) Well it turns out he had a small stroke about a month prior to the course starting, he was fine the first night but the second night he was totally disoriented and couldn’t remember what we had discussed just the day before. We didn’t even get into the class and he said he didn’t think he could continue. A couple of the guys helped him get into his bedroom where he could lay down.

I volunteered to do up a phone list and emailed it to everyone and a couple of days later I got a call from the teacher saying the class was postponed indefinitely. I am concerned for his health and totally understand but I was very disappointed at the same time.

I was called into the welfare office a couple of weeks ago because they said I hadn’t submitted all my medical forms and I had, I tried calling at least 8 times and it was always a busy signal so I drove down there and told them I had brought them in. I stood there while the woman went through them all when I first dropped them off. In fact I am pretty sure it was the same woman. She insisted they weren’t there but eventually found them on the computer and read it through and told me that she didn’t think I would be approved for disability because I can walk, dress myself and feed myself. I told her I want to work. She seemed surprised. I told her I have been applying for jobs, I took the 3 weeks course required to get into the course for getting funding to go back to school. She asked me what I want to go to school for and when I told her about the blog and I want to help victims of abuse she just lit right up. She got me an appointment for the course (which is still 2 weeks away) I went down to the office anyway and they told me that it is very unlikely I will get in for Sept school start. They are short staffed and there are a lot of hoops to jump through and red tape. That was very disappointing because I have been applying for jobs but there are certain courses they all want one of which is Non-violent conflict resolution and First Aid. I have had my first aid but it has expired.

If I don’t get disability and I am not going to school I have to live on $610 a month, which is impossible. I thought I could do it for a couple of months but any longer and I will be out on the street living in my car.

My car insurance came up and I had an outstanding speeding ticket from a year ago that I had to pay, air care, etc and that came to over $400. I made a deal with the owner of the cabin that I would do her yard work because her and her husband are at the home in PEI until October and they reduced my payment to $400 a month, until they get back or the place sells. If the place sells before I get more money I am really up shit creek. I will end up in my car or in a boarding house and that means getting rid of Stella and my stuff. It means existing not living and I am just not prepared to lose everything again. A bedroom in a house is $400/month and that doesn’t include food. No one can live on that.

Everything is behind, I owe for electricity, my cell phone is going to be disconnected, my house insurance payment bounced, and I have $85/month car insurance. I mean Stella goes through $50 a month in food. When you only have a $110 after paying rent, well you don’t have to be a mathematician to figure out why I am not making it.

They told me that I could make up to $200 a month and it would not be deducted from my cheque so I wasn’t concerned when I filled out my report card and put the $134 down as income from ads on the blog. They deducted it dollar for dollar off my cheque. So instead of $610 on my last cheque I got $473. So much for being honest, that is the last time.

I am going to go in and fight it. I can not believe they did that. It really makes a person wonder why they bother, and it proves once again that a woman in an abusive relationship is going to stick it out as long as she can because she doesn’t want to starve to death and has kids to feed.

I have been depressed I have to admit. How long does a person struggle. I was determined to just go get a job, any job and to hell with school or my health but I can’t do it.

Twice now I have had a scary thing happen and I am going to have to go to the doctor about it. I don’t know if it is stress and my heart or if it is over working my neck. Both times it has happened I was stressed out and the first time I had worked really hard the day before doing yard work. That time I got up in the morning and felt fine, sat on the couch for a few minutes, checked my email and then decided to make coffee. I reached up to get the coffee down from an upper cupboard and my right arm wouldn’t move. I had to lift it with my left arm and then I couldn’t grasp the coffee container. When I let my arm go it just dropped to my side like dead weight. I talked to myself and said, “What the hell.” and then realized my face felt funny. I ran in the bathroom thinking maybe I had a stroke in the middle of the night but my face was ok. I tried to just relax and do some deep breathing because I was getting very anxious. After about 1/2 hour my arm was fine and it has been fine ever since.

Then yesterday I was doing the yard work at my  landlords and had been working quite hard in the yard, their place is shaded and I waited until evening so it was cooler but it was still quite hot to work. I had been pulling weeds and was sweeping the driveway when all of a sudden the broom wasn’t sweeping. It was kinda just flopping around. I was confused, I looked at the broom trying to figure out what was wrong with it and then I realized I was only hanging onto it with my left hand. My right hand was hanging dead at my side. I tried to lift it and had no control over it. I had thought I had both hands on the broom. I could feel my hand hitting my leg on my  leg but I could not feel my hand at all.

I got really freaked out again and had to force myself to not panic. I went and sat down for about 1/2 hour and then it was ok again. I felt weak in the legs but I am not sure if that was just because I was panicked.

It could be stress causing it, or my neck, I was told 20 years ago that I was lucky to not be in a wheelchair and when my neck is out my arms will go numb but my neck doesn’t feel out, I have no pain and usually if my neck is out I can’t sleep for the pain. I have gotten pretty good at knowing exactly what I can and can’t do with regards to my neck so have been pain free for quite a few years. But I have been under a lot of stress over money, the house being for sale, James’s blog, (which I really try to ignore but it is so wrong and unfair of him it burns my butt to not do something about it) . I have thought that I was dealing with everything really well, just believing that things will work out but I keep getting deeper and deeper and just don’t see how I am going to ever dig my way out.

On a brighter note James’s step dad called me again a few nights ago to see how I am doing. I really appreciate how he has kept in touch with me. I never call him, its James’s family and I don’t want anyone to think I am calling to get info on him. Mind you ever since James and I first split up I told his step dad that I didn’t want to hear anything about James because it hurt too much and his step dad has never mentioned his name again. I really appreciate that he respected my request and still calls just to see how I am doing.

I still love the lake and Stella is getting bigger by the day and such a blessing, everyone loves her to pieces. I wish my camera was working, I would love to post some pics of her. She loves the water but still has not tried to swim so I was throwing the ball in the water farther and farther out until it was over her head thinking she would start to swim without really thinking about it. Well the little bugger, I am watching her and yep, she jumped in and was over her head and instead of swimming she went under, I was just getting up  to go rescue her because I thought,” My God I thought all dogs could swim!!” when I notice realized what she was doing. When she realized she was in over her head she dove down to the bottom and walked out with the ball in her mouth.!! She was completely submersed, not even her tail sticking out of the water! She got on shore and shook off and never missed a beat, brought me the ball to throw it again.

Well, that is it for what is going on in my corner of the world. If anyone can help out with any kind of donation I would be forever grateful, I hate to ask, but I am at the end of my rope.

Thanks you to all who have donated throughout the past year or so, it seems something comes through right when I need it the most, you are angels and to those who can’t afford it I totally understand, we are all struggling and I don’t want anyone to feel pressured.

Acceptance and Gratitude

blog 1You know, for most of my relationship with JC I was fighting the natural progression of life. God always put clues in front of me about what JC was doing; somehow I always found out. Well, I found out lots, probably only a small fraction of what was actually going on.

For example: when we started living together and every time I entered the room he would shrink the computer screen. Some times I would glimpse a pair of big breasts, or think I saw two people screwing but I never caught him, not that I was trying to catch him. Porn has never bothered me, to a degree; as long as the man I was with was still coming to bed with me and making love to me I didn’t care if he watched a bit of porn. I have never minded watching it myself as long as it wasn’t degrading to women and had some what of a “story line” haha as if the story lines in a porn vary much. So I teased him about it and he adamantly denied it. He wasn’t working at the time and I could tell he would shower before I got home because his hair would still be wet, I knew he had been on the computer all day. Our relationship had taken a shift, he was still loving but whereas he used to want to go everywhere with me now he wanted to stay home. One particular Sunday we were to go to my mother’s for the day and we were late and he wasn’t getting ready. I hated being late so I left without him. When I got home he was on the computer, still not showered and when I walked in the room he shrunk the screen and then followed me into the kitchen. I teased him about looking at porn and again he denied it vehemently. This angered me; I hate being lied to, I thought it was silly and I was going to prove he was lying to me. I went in the bedroom where the computer was and looked in History where, sure enough; all these porn sites popped up. I went back out and confronted him and he said it must be my son’s history or pop ups because he wasn’t in porn. I am not a computer whiz and even less so back then but I knew how to read “History”. He was so adamant I checked again and as I scrolled down I saw “Adult Friend Finders, sign up page” I clicked it and low and behold the sign up page popped up telling me once my account was approved I would get an email with my password sent to my email account. I knew his password and waited until the next day to check it from work. Sure enough he had opened an account as barefoot007, I confronted him, he denied it, I showed him photo copies, he said it was from years ago, him and his buddy did it as a joke, I read the post out loud. “Date account created and yesterday’s date”. then he gave me attitude.

We got home and I packed, he still gave me attitude, I had my hand on the door knob, he begged me to stay with tears streaming down his face, I hesitated, I stayed. Want to know the real reason I stayed? I had been buying a house off my mother when I moved in with JC, I was going to keep it and rent it out but my mom sold it. I didn’t keep any of my furniture because JC said, “Baby, lets start fresh, we’ll buy new stuff that we pick out together”. (we never got new furniture unless I bought it)
I didn’t want to admit I had made a mistake and move out 6 weeks after I moved in, my mom would be pissed, I had no place to move and no furniture; he was crying, he made all kinds of promises, such as I could check where he was on the computer any time I wanted, so I stayed.

He still gave me attitude, he got a job in a different town closer to where I worked, I offered for us to just date and not live together, he promised once he had a job things would change. I stayed.

We got a house with a rent to own agreement at Everglades (where I am now) and his whole attitude changed, he acted like he loathed me, was finding fault in everything and all of a sudden money became a huge issue. I was ready to leave and came home to a lovely poem he had written me. He asked me, “If I asked you to marry me, would you?” (notice,he didn’t ask, he just asked IF he did ask would I) I stayed.

Then my son got in trouble and I didn’t want to have to deal with splitting too.

Then my brother admitted to a sever drug problem and I didn’t want to burden my mom with any more stress.

Then JC’s dad was diagnosed with cancer.

Then his dad died.

Then he lost his job. Then…..Then……Then…..

I remember working in my garden, tears streaming down my face, praying, over and over again; “show me what to do, how do I fix this?”

I have always been big on “signs” or “it was meant to be”

There was always a convenient reason to stay; my truck was broken down, I didn’t have money and as soon as I had at least $500 saved I would leave but my truck never ran for more a  few days and we never had groceries so I would get paid and buy food.

Just like I looked at the picture of God holding up the man that looked like JC and didn’t see the spike and hammer I refused to see other things. I was praying to God to end my pain, I asked for a sign telling me what I should do, but I didn’t like the answers I was getting. He tried to help me but I kept reading my own wishes into the signs he was giving me. A person can twist almost anything into a sign they should be with the N if they try hard enough.

Without a doubt I was always better off when JC and I split. My finances, health and attitude improved, even if I still missed him. The last time we were together and he had told me he “couldn’t take THIS any more”; he started saying “You have always done better without me” often, and I got a pit in my stomach every time because I knew why he had come back. He had come back to destroy me. He was willing to invest 2 years of his life to destroying me, why? because it was great ns!! because narcissist’s want to destroy their prey; the game isn’t over if we are still standing and doing well, the only way they feel they have won (and it is all about winning for them) is for their “opponent” , us, to be destroyed.

blog 3I could see how he methodically destroyed my business, took everything of value to me even keepsakes and bit by bit destroyed my confidence and self esteem. The physical abuse was worse, as was the mental abuse. I would have been so much further ahead if I hadn’t gone back the last time.

Just before he had called me asking me to take him back I had prayed for a little place to live. I asked God for a little cabin with enough yard for a small garden, a place where I could have my dog, something that I had to fix up would be ok but he was going to have to be creative with the finances because I didn’t have any money and if it could be beside water that would be great.

When he asked me to come back, that he had an epiphany and I was all the woman he would ever need or want I told myself that I knew him so well and knew how to avoid the things that had caused conflict between us before. He admitted to everything he had ever done wrong, apologized to my son, and didn’t blame anyone but himself. He told me I had done nothing wrong it was all him, the only thing was he had felt I was holding back the last couple of years and he knew that was his fault and all he wanted was a chance to prove he had changed. With all his confessions I felt comfortable admitting areas I felt I had failed. I admitted I had been holding back as a way to protect myself from more hurt and promised to not hold back any more and not be so suspicious. We discussed how we couldn’t stay away from each other and I told him that if we tried again, it was for keeps and he agreed (I think). Money had always been an issue between us and now I had a successful business, my confidence was back, he was offering me honesty and open communication and I thought I could diffuse future problems because I knew him so well. I wasn’t counting on him changing the rules and putting such a concentrated effort into destroying me. We hadn’t lived together for a couple of years and he hadn’t been physically abuse the whole time so I thought he had changed in that area also.

It wouldn’t have been difficult for JC to know that would be my prayer because he knew how much I wanted to live by water again and how much giving up the lake had been hard for me. So when he came up with this house in Blaine Lake Saskatchewan I thought it was God answering my prayer. I hadn’t specified it had to be in BC and it was everything I had prayed for. JC gave me the guys phone number and I talked to him and he said the place was fully furnished, he would carry the mortgage at $200 a month and only wanted $5,000 for it. He didn’t want any money to hold it, just said to call him when I was heading out. I called him several times just to make sure things were still on. JC in the meantime asked me to move to Sask and marry him. It seemed to all be falling into place but my gut was telling me differently. I told myself God wanted me to go, it was the answer to my prayer and who was I to question God. I gave away all my furniture and told my customers I was leaving.

For the first time ever JC was there to help me move, even when we had been together he would disappear any time we were moving but this time he parked his semi and flew out to help me. I thought it was because he was a changed man. In the morning we were heading out and he said to call the guy about the house and say we were on our way. I thought I would do that once we were down the road a bit and knew more when we would get there but he said I should call now. So I did and that is when the guy told me he had sold the house two days prior. My stomach flipped and immediately I thought, “My God what have I gotten myself into? I am now totally dependent on JC again”. I told myself he had proposed, nothing had to change, we could find a place together but his attitude changed totally. Now he was saying I might as well take a vacation with him seeing as I had told all my customers I was leaving. He suggested I take two weeks and have a much needed vacation. I was blown away, what did he mean “a vacation”, I thought we were getting married and going to live in Sask, nothing had happened to change that. And it went down hill from there.

Even when I finally left him simply nothing went right, I didn’t get a break any where. Whereas in the past I had always done well on my own this time nothing came together for me. He had done such a good job of destroying me this time I couldn’t make a come back and I had NO support because my mom disowned me when I went back to him.

It was as if he had cursed my life, I even attempted suicide and when he found out he used it against me to taunt me into trying it again. But there was something inside me that kept me fighting for my life.

When I finally truly in my heart let him go my life started to improve at a phenomenal rate, even things that appeared bad turned out to work  in my favor.

I got the job at Ccon, which enabled me to get the cabin, which WAS the answer to my prayer of 4 years earlier. It was a small cabin, on a lake, where I could have dogs and plant a small garden AND the most important part, creative financing, the owners were willing to carry the mortgage. Then I lost my job at Ccon, I felt I wasn’t treated fairly, someone had told them stuff that wasn’t true or were easily explained but they had made up their minds. I suspect that JC had something to do with it because they said they got their information from an anonymous source. One of the lies was that I was seen at the Husky gas station drinking and during drugs in the company truck. How they could believe that I don’t know, it didn’t even make sense, I live 5 minutes from the Husky, why on earth would I sit at the gas station drinking and doing drugs when I could just go home? BUT a few months prior I had gotten a phone call from an unknown number and not answered, I checked for messages when I got to the Husky and there were none so I called the number back and the voice mail picked up my call and it was JC. I hung up like the phone was on fire and immediately felt very uneasy. I have heard there are tracking devices that you can use on someone’s cell phone where when they call you back if you don’t answer you are hooked up to their phone. It was shortly after that I got the job at Ccon. JC came in here and told similar lies months ago, he is the only one I can think of who would say anything like that, so I feel he was trying to ruin my reputation and make me lose my job. After all he blames me for all his problems and probably feels justified.

When I lost my job they offered to finance a truck for me so I wasn’t too upset, I hadn’t been feeling well (I didn’t realize it was my heart) and gladly took a couple of weeks off. People donated money to keep my head above water (Thank you all!!)  and I found a truck. Then I caught Colin with another woman and my truck broke down on the same day.
THEN I was told I had to come up with close to $4000 to close the house deal. THEN the owner of Ccon called and told me he was not going to fix the truck for me and he was going to sell it. By that time I had decided to get out of scrap any way and I was sick of fighting for my life all the time.

For some reason I didn’t panic. I called my old bank and found out I had $5,000 sitting there since 1996 and I could get it out as long as I went in and gave them ID. Which I did and a week later a cheque arrived in the mail. I had my heart attack which reinforced my decision to get out of scrap. I had enough money to complete the deal on the cabin and still buy a cheap little car that I got an amazing deal on. Simply every thing has fallen into place. I had 672 hours on my separation slip, not enough to get unemployment benefits but I only need 600 hours to get disability benefits. Ccon never sold the truck they have kept it and that reinforces to me that they screwed me over but I don’t care! My life is going great and I don’t have enough time to waste it being angry with people who don’t act in good faith, I just remove them from my life and move on.

I could have used that money a dozen times over in past years, for sure if JC would have known I had it he would have badgered me into cashing it in and he would have spent it. God knew that, and God also knew I kept going back no matter how much help God gave me when JC and I were apart so he waited until I was sure I was done with JC. God knew it was safe for me to have my prayers answered and when he answered them it was EXACTLY what I prayed for.

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So before you say God isn’t answering your prayers take a look at what you are doing, are you providing room for God to work in your life, are you seeing the answer and refusing it because it isn’t the answer you hoped for, are you open to what God knows is best for you? He must have been getting pretty frustrated with me and ready to smack me in the head with a 2 x 4 to get my attention! Thank you God for being patient and not giving up on me!!

I went around saying good bye to customers the last two days and of course every one was very concerned about my heart. My son called me the other day and asked how I was. The answer I gave them all was, “I am broke, I don’t have a job, I have a heart condition and I have never been happier in my life!!” every one would smile and laugh when I said it but I knew that they could see it in my eyes and face that I really meant it. When you are happy it shows.

My son said the most profound thing, laughing he said, “that’s awesome Mom, glad to hear it! I love to hear it, it’s like you are back to your old self again!!!” I could hear the relief in his voice. I didn’t say it to him but I am not back to my old self; I am better than my old self!! I am so much happier!! maybe because I have been with the devil and survived, maybe because I have lost everything and am just so grateful for what I have. Maybe because I was stripped down to nothing and rebuilt myself from the ground up, or maybe because I stopped fighting the powers that be and stopped forcing things to go MY way. Maybe all of the above.

Please, everyone who is fighting with the phone and wanting to call their ex N. It is a dead end street, face it, it is over, even if you do go back to him it is only delaying the inevitable. You can not save him, the relationship or yourself by talking to him or having him in your life in any way. A relationship with a narcissist only has one ending; he discards you and destroys you or vise versa OR he kills you OR you kill yourself but there is no happy ending, You are wasting your energy trying to figure out how to hurt him back, make him jealous, figure out what he is thinking, why he did or does things and you are delaying ever finding a man who can love you and will love you like you deserve. The man you met is dead, he is, accept it, grieve it and realize you can not breath life back into him; he is gone.

A Reason To Smile

I have had practically no sleep but I tried going to bed several times and was woken up by nightmares 2 times and then Laila decided she wanted to play and started pulling the covers off me; little bugger! You can’t help but love her though.

What do I have to smile about??
Well for one thing I think I solved the problem with JC commenting thanks to Melanie.

#2. I went to go unto his blog to copy his post where he used my name as evidence to take to the police. It appears it has been removed. I am cautious about getting too happy about it because I’ve never seen him back down that quickly or back down at all to be honest; not with me anyway.

I did send him an email the same day he had commented, before I even found his blog again. All I said was to think long and hard before he starts slandering me and my business. That I had been respectful enough to not put his name or affect his ability to make an income and the law would not take him trying to destroy my business lightly. I told him to have no doubt that he will not bully me into silence again and I would seek restitution in court. I said if we go to court you can be assured EVERYTHING will come out and I WILL have witnesses.

Recounted a couple of events and I reminded him of his professions of undying love and lying to me about him dying, the girl in Africa who he got pregnant and told him he really doesn’t want to go there.

I told him I have gone on with my life, he probably has found the perfect woman for him and that I could have never been that for him. He should get on with his life and not put himself back in mine.

I don’t know if it had any effect but the blog is gone; for now.

I get my teeth finished today!!! I am so excited and nervous. I got my hair cut (I have cut my own hair for 12 years) and dyed it last night at my girlfriend’s house and had a nice shower and did laundry.

I had a good day yesterday all in all, made $350 which is great seeing as I owed $125 on my phone and $100 for hydro. I bought some groceries also.

In my town they recently passed a new law that says all business now have to recycle anything recyclable. I took it upon myself to do up a brochure I am going to hand out to all the businesses in town saying to support their local small businesses and that I deal with CCon Steel; a local small scrap yard. I showed it to the owners at CCon yesterday and they were very pleased. They gave me a Tim Horton’s gift card when I walked in as a little appreciation for my business gift so it was perfect timing that I had the flyer to show them. I wanted to make sure they didn’t mind my name associated with theirs, but they were thrilled so this could be profitable for all concerned. The owner is a really nice hard working young guy who really is trying hard to make it honestly in a cut throat industry where breaking the law is common place.

While I was at the scrap yard I got my usual “Hey Lady Witha Truck!” from the guys. One of them I asked, “how are you today?” and he replied, “great now that I’ve seen you”. You know people get you through the tough times. Like on here, all the support, genuine caring and concern overwhelms me some times. I really feel blessed to have stumbled upon this blogging thing; I have been helped way more than I have helped others. I am blessed.

Everyone is so happy for me that I am finally going to be able to smile without feeling self conscious. Its been so long.

I am throwing some offers out there to see where they land and then play the cards I am dealt. I guess you could say I shuffled the deck. I wrote up an offer to purchase my dream lot at Everglades. I figured it out using a mortgage calculator at 5% interest, for $40,000 paid bi-weekly over 5 years. I forget right now what the exact payment amount was but around $700 a month. Banks won’t give loans on property in there because it is zoned strictly recreational and its in a flood plain, so he is going to have a hard time finding a buyer. He doesn’t really need the money; who knows, he just might bite. That’s how I got mtg first truck. $100 and a promise to pay it out in a year. You never know.

Also I am doing up my resume and handing it in to CCon in case they are looking to hire an outside sales person. There is an area north west of Vancouver, Squamish; a small town on the way to Whistler that I love!! JC worked up there years ago and I fell in love with it then. There was a lot of scrap up there then and recently I talked to a young guy who told me I should be going up there. He goes up and comes back with a full load every time. He said he thought I’d do really well. I lost my big truck and my small one doesn’t haul enough weight to make the trip worth while. BUT if CCon wanted to get into that area before any of the big scrap yards do I have a home on wheels and would be willing to go up there and get things started; all they have to do is rent a small yard and a big bin.
Who knows something might come of that.

Also I am almost finished my letter to the premier of BC where I present my ideas on helping women get back on their feet after an abusive relationship. The provincial government recently announced they are prepared to invest a substantial amount of money into resources for abused women. Some thing might come of that!

Oh yeah! I almost forgot; my latent painting talent? As soon as I move and have room for a small painting studio I am going to start selling my artwork on here and give 20% to my own charity for abused women.

Now that gets me excited!!

Well I best get dressed. Have a great day all!”

Love ya!!
Hugs
Carrie