Tag Archives: christianity

Seeing What We Want to See

Image

The first time I saw the above picture was shortly after I met JC, at first I thought he had posed for the picture he looked so much like the man in God’s arms, right down to the purple t-shirt. It still gives me chills to look at it.

JC’s father had bought the picture and put it in the bible along with a letter to JC. I have written about the bible a couple of time, one post was titled “The Bible” and the other one was “Out of Africa”.

I had the picture saved on my laptop and came across it the other day when I was going through my photos organizing and deleting. I can’t tell you how many times i have looked at this picture and never noticed the significance of it.

All I ever saw was JC in God’s arms. JC was a workaholic (or so he liked to pretend) and I saw the man in the picture as a man who was a hard worker, probably worked on Sundays and God was holding him up. JC’s father was always telling him that he should be taking Sundays off and that he kept himself so busy he couldn’t hear God talking to him if he was never still and quiet.

It wasn’t until I looked at it this week that I noticed something I had never noticed before; what the man has in his hands, a spike and a hammer; it sent a chill down my back and stopped me dead in my tracks.

JC always talked about God and religion and how he wasn’t living like he knew he should be and the way God wanted him to live.

I think JC’s father knew the truth about JC, often when he called he would want to talk to me first, before he talked to JC, I think he was trying to get a “feeling” about how he was treating me. JC’s mom was and is blind to the truth about JC. But then so was I for a long time.

The picture was almost like a premonition; considering what JC did when he went to Africa in the name of Christianity and volunteered for a well-known charitable organization. (Out of Africa) Because of JC’s actions the charity had to do a lot of damage control. He came very close to ruining their reputation and all the good work they had done, let alone that he stole from them somehow feeling justified in every thing he did. I didn’t hear the truth about what he did while he was there, the truth came out bit by bit over the course of years but I knew in my gut he wasn’t giving me all the facts, once again his intentions were misinterpreted and he was falsely accused, and for safe measure he had contracted malaria while he was there.  Which he got a lot of leverage out of for several years and after I dumped him he used it to get me back by lying and saying he had been given 6 months to live. Who lies about dying?? Most people would be afraid of bad karma but not a narcissist.

It’s bizarre how we only see what we want to see when we are involved with the narcissist. For years I saw a man who knew right from wrong and wanted to do the right thing but was easily manipulated by others, a man who just wanted to be loved, a man who didn’t believe in himself and a man who believed in God but had turned away from the church. I thought I could “teach” him right from wrong, that if I loved and encouraged him he would see how sepcial he was and not resort lying and using the easy way out. I refused to see the real person he was for so many years and I totally missed it in the picture also, but now that I am healed and thinking clearly I can view the picture without my rose-colored glasses.

I was talking to someone a few days ago about JC and they stated that they would have not put up with his shit that long and that a person can only be falsely accused so how and then there has to be truth to the accusations and that the victim can only blame the abuser for so long before they have to take responsibility for staying with the narcissist. I still struggle with that aspect of my relationship with JC; why I stayed with him as long as I did, why I kept giving him chance after chance and defended him time after time. He kept upping the anti, my truck would break down and he would fix it, he would injure himself and I would take care of him, his place burned down and I let him stay with me, he got malaria and I nursed him, he phoned and said he had been given 6 months to live I felt bad for him. Every single time I felt in my gut he was lying but I ignored my gut and did what my heart wanted to do. Wishful thinking, and I was “loved” him.  He would make me feel so guilty for thinking he could sabotage my truck, or lie and it is so hard to believe you love someone capable of doing the things he did. Who does those things?? Just people on the news or in movies, no one would love. I can’t help but wonder how many women who have been killed by their lover, or exlover had a gut feeling that they ignored because they just refused to see the truth.

Its been over 2 1/2 years and I am still having revelations concerning him, I can’t believe the lies I told myself or how long I stayed. I look at pictures of him and can’t for the life of me remember why I loved him so much, I was so unhappy for most of our time together and he kept telling me I was wrong, I was dysfunctional, I was too negative, I was too suspicious, too needy, too demanding, too ………………….you name it and he was able to make me doubt myself. Once you are away from their influence long enough you will get to this point also.

Hugs and Love to everyone

May God bless you all

Carrie

 

Timothy 3 1-7

This is a Bible verse that really sticks with me. JC was raised in a very Christian home as was the most recent N I dated. JC actually is responsible for my faith growing stronger. We discussed religion on a regular basis, we prayed every meal, he used his christianity when it suited his needs. At times he talked like he was the real JC or at the very least he was chosen by God for sometjing really sprcoal. He wrangled his way into a very noteworthy charitable organization and went as a volunteer to Sudan and then stole from the organization and got a Sudanese young girl pregnant and deserted her.
He is a despicable person.

2 Timothy 3:1-7

English Standard Version (ESV)

Godlessness in the Last Days

3 But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty.2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive,disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal,not loving good, 4 treacherous, reckless,swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. 6 For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, 7 always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth.

Self Doubt and Wishful Thinking

If only I could believe what I know to be true. I think the self doubt comes from 10 yrs of being told black is white and what I know to be wrong is right and if it is wrong it’s my fault.
There are certain unwritten laws and boundaries that 95 % of society live by whether they are christians, or not. Common decency and respect for others rules that most of us learn throughout childhood into adulthood and help us live in relative peace in society. Even criminals and gangs have a code of ethics and clearly defined boundaries, but life with a narcissist has no clearly defined boundaries nothing is certain, nothing is sacred and there are no guarantees or set rules.
What you thought to be true yesterday is proven to be a lie and rules that applied to you don’t apply to him, what he said he wanted yesterday is what he’s angry about today. The love he promised a week ago to you he is now promising to someone else and he’s treating you like dirt under his feet.
We are taught certain things are unacceptable; hitting, lying, stealing, are all things that are wrong, no grey areas, you just don’t do them. But when you are in love with a narcissist they are part of your every day life and slowly bit by bit you become desensitized to the assault on your moral fibre and you accept what would have been totally unacceptable to you prior to your involvement with the N.
Even now 5 months after leaving JC I torment myself with self doubt. Certain things he did were wrong, hurtful and inexcusable, no one is perfect but I did nothing to deserve the hateful way he treated me. He wants to be “friends” and I struggle to give him that because I want him to “like” me. Why do I care? I have every right to be a hateful bitch if I feel like it, he totally disregarded my feelings morals values and boundaries. Why am I still accepting his excuse that it was my actions that drove him to do the things he did. His actions were inexcusable. Any one who would do the things he did/does will not change. A new woman is not going to be the miracle cure, he has not become moral, ethical, and capable of true love and commitment at 47 yrs old because he met the “right” woman. He has been the same with every woman he’s ever been with, he messed with my head for 10 yrs and he will continue until I stop it.
God help me be strong!