Tag Archives: Chump Lady

I Had To Share This Post From Chump Lady

Here is the post from Chump Lady

As I was reading it I couldn’t help thinking, “Come on lady! you don’t know when to tell him you are dumping his sorry ass? You are still there and willing to stay behind with the children while he goes off to live his life with God knows who?” But I am no one to talk.

When you are in the middle of this kind of shit show you are not thinking straight. It is so obvious to everyone else but your heart and your head are not connecting, you aren’t thinking straight, you are so accustomed to having your feelings ignored and being treated like you are the sick warped one; you can’t think clearly and protect yourself.

When my ex went to Sudan with a Christian Charity to do “missionary” work we were split but still “dating”. He had multiple personal ads from Russian Brides to Ashley Madison (btw I thought Ashley Madison was like Victoria Secret and had no idea it was a cheating site. Naive yes I know). I thought it was the most unselfish thing he had ever done and if he followed through and actually went I would give him another chance when he came back. I allowed him to stay with me until he left and his mother and I promised to contact each other when one of us heard from him because he was going to be so far from any kind of civilization communication was going to be difficult. I won’t go into the whole story because I wrote about it here. I warn you, it is a long post and was written in 2012 so I was not fully healed and still discovering the depth to my ex’s evilness.

After just rereading it I am amazed at what I put up with and what I lived with, all those years wasted worrying about whether he had personal ads, impregnated anyone, still communicating with some young woman in Sudan. I should have kicked his ass to the curb years prior to any of this crazy shit happening.

I hope the woman who wrote to Chump Lady takes her advice to heart but I have my doubts; she will want to be fair and honest and will tell him what she is planning in hopes he will finally realize she is serious and not want to lose her. He will lay some guilt trip on her and she will doubt herself and cling to the dream and hope, just happy that he told her a good enough lie that she could continue to lie to herself.

I am hoping this post will help some of you to realize how out of touch with reality the victim gets and you will truly understand why no contact is so vital to recovery and ever finding happiness.

 

I Give This Post From Chump Lady A Standing Ovation

I remember years ago lamenting in a post on here, “Why does he keep hurting me??!!!”

And someone said something that stung like the truth usually does when you are feeling sorry for yourself, “Because you keep letting him.”

On that note here is something from Chump Lady well worth sharing!!

I felt like standing, pumping my fist in the air and shouting “Yes!! Bravo!!”

When You Start Blaming Yourself – Read This

When you start to be filled with self-doubt or do what I think all victim’s of a narcissist do; think of a million ways you could have saved the relationship.

When you start mentally listing all the times you lost control and screamed at your ex like a psycho fishwife

When you remember all the times you refused to have sex or weren’t as active or agreeable participant as your ex would have liked

When ever friends tell you that it takes two to make or break a relationship

When your ex takes great pleasure in telling you how the new woman is nothing like YOU, she is perfect and his soul mate, he doesn’t have to lie to HER.

When you start to think that maybe you should go back because you can think of at least a dozen times you weren’t as nice as you could have been.

Just to show you how far-fetched this thinking can get. I never used to wear a bra. I didn’t wear one when I met James and I didn’t wear one for our whole relationship, because I am small busted and really don’t need one, to be perfectly honest. It was not a fact that I hid, he knew I was small busted from the first time he met me and most certainly the first time we had sex, yet he never once complained. Well, he didn’t actually come right out and say, “I wish you had boobs.” but I got the message when he stayed up all night glued to a website called, “Big Busted Babes” or I glimpsed pictures he had downloaded from women where the women showed their ample cleavage. Then there was the time our friend Chuck was over and telling us that he was an “ass-man” and the size of a woman’s breasts didn’t interest him, in fact he preferred small busted women. James argued with him, “Oh come on Chuck, ALL men like boobs.” Chuck had insisted that, “He didn’t, he liked a nice round ass, and didn’t care about breasts at all.” I silently thanked Chuck as I sat uncomfortably listening to the two of them discuss whether Chuck liked boobs or not. It was obvious that James had a point to make and I finally said, “It’s obvious you got the wrong woman if you like boobs.” He didn’t say anything.

After we split I bought a bra, I hadn’t even looked at bras for years and someone had told me about padded push-up bras and I thought I would give them a try.  I was impressed, I almost had cleavage! So I bought two bras and then it hit me, “Why didn’t I buy them sooner? It’s all about how things look to a narcissist, maybe if I had bought a padded bra sooner James wouldn’t have gone looking elsewhere, maybe he would have loved me more.”

So now that I have revealed how warped my thinking had become, I hope you can see how crazy our thinking can get after leaving a narcissist.

When the walls are closing in on you and you feel a need to call the narcissist, confess your sins, apologize and beg his forgiveness so he will tell you that you are a good person go to this link instead. Chumplady