Tag Archives: closure

Grief, Closure, Personal Growth

My mom and I went for lunch yesterday and while driving we were talking about people I will miss if I have to leave the resort. I keep to myself mostly there, I am there because of where it is, I love the peace and the birds, being to close to nature and God’s heart. For the most part I have been here to heal, I realize that now. I have done so much healing while I have been here and if I have to move on now I suppose it is time (more on that in another post). I am getting sidetracked.

I mentioned one woman who I have met and have only talked to a couple of times but she is a person I liked immediately, quiet, compassionate, kind, you can just feel it exuding from her, not a judgmental bone in her body. I wasn’t surprised when she told me her son had committed suicide a few years earlier, as she told me my eyes had filled with tears and she had been, how do I say it; not nonchalant or matter of fact but at peace with it. She had talked openly about her grief, that he didn’t leave a suicide note or anything, how she came here to heal, how her faith was tested but what ultimately got her through  and how she takes her young grand daughter often. Another woman there had said that she felt people used religion as a crutch.

At another time I was talking about JC with someone who had known us years ago and had asked what happened. There were 4 of us sitting there and one of the women (the same one who thought religion was a crutch) was saying what so many people do, “If I was ever in an abusive relationship I would have gotten out” , “only weak people stay” You know the judging statements that people who have never been there make. I noticed that the woman who had lost her son was listening intently and our eyes met and there was no need for words.

I told my mom the first time I met the woman I had thought to myself, “She has been through something extremely painful in her life.” I was saying to my mom that you can usually tell when someone has been through a great loss, they are usually very compassionate and nonjudging. My mom said, “But the other woman lost her sister, she should understand.”

and that’s when I had an epiphany, not to diminish the pain of people who have lost a loved one, but there is a difference and I think it comes down to closure. Abuse, suicide require introspection, in order to heal you have to look within and come to terms with what happened. If it was something totally out of your control there is not the need for self reflection.

And I think that is why it is so hard to get over the narcissist, because it is so deeply personal, you have him blaming you, you get no closure; you can choose to put a bandaid on it and mask the pain by getting involved immediately with someone new, or drink yourself into oblivion or whatever else numbs the pain and you will get by but it will haunt you forever and the bitterness grows inside eating you up and you keep repeating history. Or you can choose to take the route that initially takes much more work and seems so much more painful and that is the route of self reflection and taking the pieces of your life that are scattered at your feet and one by one put yourself back together, owning what you need to own and forgiving yourself and not packing stuff that never was yours to pack. I think when a person does this they come out the other side a much changed person. More at peace, more grateful, less judging, more compassionate, and ultimately a better person and stronger for it.

Very few people go through life without getting a few scars, they can disfigure you, They can make you a bitter, angry, paranoid, vengeful person that people avoid or they can be scars that show your inner beauty and strength and draw people to you. But one thing I know for sure, personal grow usually comes at a high price and takes a lot of work. The narcissist takes you half way there. He challenges everything you ever thought about yourself and your world, he picks you apart piece by minute piece and then leaves you laying there. That is why so many victims say things like, “I  feel empty” , “I just want to be myself again,” “I don’t think I will ever be myself again”, “I don’t know what to do”, “I am broken”, why they say that abuse by a narcissist is comparable to being raped at a soul level. How you choose to heal from that is up to you.  It is actually an opportunity that not everyone gets, it is a chance for personal growth that can only happen when you are reduced to nothing and have to rebuild yourself. It can be an amazing journey and when you get to the other side, so worth it.

Closure

Haven’t we all wanted closure. To tie a nice little bow on the relationship so we can move on like he appears to be. But no, he blames us for everything, blames us for our own abuse and after all we did for him. The many times we forgave him, dropped assault charges, paid his way when he lost another job, forgave him when we found him with another woman, and now he is blaming us for everything and going off with a new woman telling horrible lies about us. How dare he!! Where is the justice? 

How can he do this? Because he is a narcissist, I can not say it enough; he does not care about you, her, or anyone but himself. He will not apologize, he will not admit any wrong doing (unless he is trying to  get something from you again) and if he does; it will be a lie and he will abuse you even worse for being gullible enough to believe his lies again.

I cringe at the thought of what must have been going though JC’s head when I forgave him and believed he was going to die in 6 months, I don’t know how he managed to cry real tears, he must have been busting a gut trying to hold the laughter in. When he told me a year after we split (and 8 days after he proposed to the new victim) that “You know it is kinda your own fault I hurt you, you kept taking me back.” and then asked why I didn’t believe that he had always loved me, I couldn’t believe he would have the audacity to even say that to my face. But they are so incapable of compassion or empathy that he didn’t even know how bad he made himself sound.

On his blog he even admitted to looking for other women, indignantly proclaiming that “Yeah I was looking for other women, look what I had to live with.” Oh, so that makes it ok? most people leave a bad relationship and then go looking for another partner. Their minds do not work like a normal person’s mind, they don’t care if your heart is broken, they don’t want to be fair or nice. They want you to be miserable, they want your life to be ruined and they want to look like the victim.

What could he say or do that would make it ok for you? What is it you need? I know I wanted to make him witness my pain, I wanted him to feel awful for what he had done to me, but they don’t care in any way except to get an ego boost out of it; any you lose any remnant of self respect and pride you may have left. You want to rage at him, scream at him what you think of him, tell him what an awful person he is, list all the good things you did for him, and tell him what a loser he is. But really, is there anything that you could say that you haven’t already said a hundred times? Did it do any good, ever? No I didn’t think so. 

And what if he did admit to everything he did wrong? and swear he’s changed……so now you can torture yourself thinking that the new woman is getting everything you should have gotten for all the time you put in. He does not change but he would like you to think he has and even by admitting he was an asshole he then gets to be the nice guy admit his faults and STILL break your heart and get you obsessing about him. Win win for him and you  are still no further ahead.

The only thing that would make you happy is if he came back to you a changed man, begging for your forgiveness but you know that it would be a pack of lies and he has not changed. So that is living in fantasy land again. 

You want the magic potion that is going to make the pain go away and it just does not exist. There is no quick fix, there is no closure except to know that he is a narcissist and he can not change and will not change and he does what he does because he is a narcissist. If he was a normal guy you wouldn’t be going through this. The reason you hurt so bad is because you were dealing with a narcissist, a manipulative, mean, heartless, soul sucking, user and abuser who whittled away at your sanity and self esteem for however long, and the pain of that is going to take time to heal. You will not find healing in him, he can not do it for you. 

He is the one who took great pleasure in destroying you it would be nice if he would put you back together but he isn’t; he can’t even IF he wanted to, he doesn’t know how or care and really there is no one who can fix it for you. With the help of family, friends, a good counselor, and a support group of some kind YOU have to heal yourself. Another man isn’t going to fix you, and you can’t ignore it and bury yourself in work or booze, or drugs, the only way to heal is to understand what happened to you by researching it, talking about it with people who understand, and allowing yourself to grieve the loss of what you thought was the love of your life. You are allowed to grieve, cry and be sad, you earned it, eventually it will get easier, as soon as you stop looking to him to make it right for you. 

Consider your closure to be no contact. That is your closure.  I know it is hard to think that you will never hear his voice again, never see him again for the rest of your life, it hurts too bad to even think about it. Then don’t. Think about not talking to him today, this hour, take it one day at a time and after a while you really won’t want to talk to him because you will realize you are feeling so much better and you will be afraid to talk to him, knowing he will just bring you down. You might even slip one night and in a moment of weakness pick up the phone and call. I have never talked to a woman yet who didn’t regret doing it, it might take a time or two before you get sick of setting yourself up for hurt but sooner or later you will decide it simply is not worth it to call.

I get women who email me and it is two days after he dumped them and they are heart broken and want to know when the pain stops. I hate to tell them, 2 years. That seems like an impossible length of time but it isn’t the fresh heart ripped out of your chest kind of pain for 2 years and if you don’t waste time trying to be friends or get closure you could heal a lot sooner. 

You don’t want to hurt, I get that, no one does. You never wanted to be treated the way he treated you, disrespected like that, who does? It is a horrible night mare that you can’t wake up from and you just want it to go away. You wish thing could have been different, if only he would have…………fill in the blanks. Or if you had ………………… fill in the blanks. What ifs and if only’s are not going to help and there is nothing you could have done differently except you could have left earlier but there is nothing you could have done to save the relationship. You tried everything you could, remember? and it was never good enough.

I remember thinking I could have done something different, if I would have not gotten angry……..no wait I did try not getting angry and he kept pushing my buttons until I had no choice but to react. I could have not gotten jealous……….no wait I did stop reacting to that too and he just stayed out later and didn’t come home at all and then it was my fault because I didn’t care enough. I  could have been sexier…………no wait I tried that too and he pushed me away.

I could have not voiced an opinion and just been there waiting with his dinner whenever he arrived home and greeted him with love and happiness……….no wait……….that would make me a stepford wife and I would be so miserable I would have to leave, I could never be that kind of woman and besides he always bitched about the money I was costing him so I wouldn’t be able to work if I was waiting at home for him and didn’t go anywhere so I would have to independently wealthy. I could never get sick or have any expectations of him at all. 

I would have had to live my life for him, alone, and it never would have been good enough. When I realized that I didn’t need closure any more, I had my closure.

I hope you all find your closure, you have it, you just haven’t discovered it yet.

Hugs

Carrie

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I had to share this! What a great analogy!

For those waiting for an apology in order to heal, some times “Sorry” just doesn’t cut it!!

Hugs xxxxx

Posted by Carrie Reimer the Lady WithaTruck