Tag Archives: co-parenting with a narcissist

Parent Alienation

You don’t have to be a narcissist to be be guilty of parent alienation, you just have to be a bad parent. So many times parents in their bitterness feel it is necessary to “get the kids on their side”. Or they talk to their children like they are friends or their therapist. Why they do this, I don’t know; looking for sympathy? A need to vent? To make the other parent look bad? Bitterness? I suppose they think they have a good reason but very rarely is it a good idea or does it end well for the parent doing the trash talking. It usually bites them in the ass.

The children get so sick of hearing all this shit about the other parent they start to look at the complaining parent more critically.

And for those of you who think a child needs to know the truth, unless their lives are in danger; you are wrong. A child will grow up and find out for themselves what the other parent is about. They don’t need you stirring the pot and it makes you look like the bitter ex out for revenge.

It is far more to your advantage to focus on being the best parent you can be and not even mention the other parent except in passing. Ie: “your dad is picking you up tomorrow.”

NOT: “your SOB father is supposed to pick you up tomorrow, but hell probably be a no show, AGAIN!”

If the other parent is a bad parent your children will figure it out all on their own. Your responsibility is to be a healthy reliable and supportive parent who shows up with a smile.

It doesn’t mean lying to cover for the bad parent/narcissist in order to protect the child. It means handling each situation as it comes with honesty and compassion. For example: “I understand you are feeling hurt because daddy didn’t show up for sports day. I am sorry your dad disappointed you.”

If your ex immediately finds his “true love” after you break up, (a classic narcissist move) and your children come home and tell you all about the fun they had with daddy and the new woman; the absolutely worst thing you can do is go on a tirade about what a bastard he is and the new woman is a stupid bitch. To say anything negative at all is going to only reinforce what your ex is saying – that you are a bitter, psycho bitch.

Your ex knows the kids are going to come home and expound on how much fun they had, he is abusing you by proxy and you can not react and give him the reward he wants.

Just keep in mind that the longer he can get a reaction out of you the longer he is able to keep the act going with the new woman. Give him the rope and let him hang himself, he will do it on his own. Trust that history repeats itself and he is not capable of true lasting change.

Normal healthy people get divorced, and normal loving people can turn ugly when dealing with an ex. Both parents have to keep reminding themselves that the only innocent victims are the children. They had no choice in parents, they have no choice about the divorce, they have no control, and their lives are turned upside down. It is up to the parents to put their ego aside, their needs and wants and focus on what is truly best for the children.

Let’s raise healthy children and not play silly games.

Just my thoughts for today, as we enter the final week of domestic abuse awareness month.

Co-Parenting With a Narcissist

This post is a reply to a comment made by a visitor to my blog back in November 2012. I thought it might be helpful to some of the people who are struggling to co-parent with their narcissist ex when no contact is not possible.

Help!! My NS ex is now living with his affair partner in our (my) former home. She is muslim, which isnt a problem, my 12 year old son lives 4 days with dad and three with me (his choice, through UK courts the child has a choice with living arrangements) Anyway, because she is a muslim, she wont allow bacon, sausage, pork, ham, into the household, my son now lives on a diet of mainly fish and boiled potatoand he has lost weight. I have txt NS with my concerns, i was not aggressive, just nice and polite. He took it as a personal attack against HIM and said “He is perfectly capable of looking after our son. My NS constanly calls my son a Idiot,but because NS is so powerful, my son adores him. Yet again I feel undermined as a mother, and I have allowed him to make me feel weak again.Why, does he take everything as a attack against him, why? can we not have a rational conversation.? I,m Fed Up!! but thank god for this site :) :(

  •  Marion, there is no way you can ever have a reasonable and rational conversation with an N about anything he could do differently, everything is a personal attack. It gets so tiring always trying to not upset the apple cart, not offend, say things in a way he won’t take offense. It drains a person. I would spend days trying to pick just the right words so I wouldn’t offend my ex over something stupid and think I had figured out how to say it and it would still end up being a fight. Like one time he bought me a winch for my truck that I was supposed to pay him back for. I thanked him over and over and made sure I showed how happy and excited I was (it was overkill) then I chose my words very carefully, “I love my winch and can’t wait to use it but I want to make sure I pay for it before I use it because it is enough you lent me the money. I could have never bought it without your help.” He said not to worry about paying him right away, he said, “You’ll be able to make more money with this winch, just pay me later”.

    I was hesitant but thanked him again very much. “I know you are excited about it too and you’ll want to hook it up right away. But I have a job in the morning first thing and my old winch still works so if you do want to hook it up please don’t take my old winch off unless you are sure you can hook up the new one because I need my winch tomorrow”
    A couple hours later I was going to bed and went out, gave him a hug, thanked him again and asked him to come to bed. He pulled away from me and asked if there was gas in the car for morning. I assured him there was and asked him again to come to bed.
    I got up at 6 am and his sister was at the table and said JC had just gone out to hook up my new winch. He had taken off my old one and the new one was on the ground. At 10 am, I was still at home, no winch and we were fighting because I was so selfish and unreasonable.

    Sorry that got longer than I meant it to but it was supposed to show; it doesn’t matter what it is or how you say it; you will end up fighting.

    As for your son adoring him, that is kids, especially son’s and their dads. My son wanted to please his dad so badly. His dad rarely ever saw him and I was there for him every Christmas concert, every sports day yet his eyes would be glued to the door hoping his dad would show up and if he did my son would walk over top of me to get to his dad and his dad was the greatest for showing up. As he got older though he realized the truth and now even though he loves his dad he knows who was there for him. Your son will hopefully see his dad’s true colours as he gets older.

    If I was you I would feed him really well when I had him. That’s all you can do. He isn’t going to starve and its healthy food so I would just let it go. Your son will look forward to all his special favorite foods when he’s with you the 3 days. As for being called an idiot. I would tell him that his dad is wrong to call him that but there isn’t much that can be done about it but that his father, nor any one else defines him. Just because his dad says it does not make it true and reinforce that you don’t think he is an idiot.

    All you can do is be the best parent you can be, you can’t control how his dad is. Your son will grow up and know for himself.

    Good luck I know its hard to bite your tongue.
    Hugs Carrie

    • OMG, thank you so much for a brilliant reply, you have put it all into perspective for me, and, i have just fed my some some yummy sausages, lol, he said “dad would,nt like this” but he loved them, ha ha power is good :)