Tag Archives: Commitment

Why Did The Narcissist Dump You and What To Expect

If you have some illusion that you can stay friends with the narcissist, you are sadly mistaken. It doesn’t matter if he has stayed in contact with his other ex’s, all that means is they are drinking the kool-aid and hanging on; thinking they will get him back. You could be thinking, like I did and like I am sure James’s new woman thought, “He can’t be that bad if his ex’s want him back, he must be telling the truth that she was the one in the wrong, otherwise why would she want him back or even stay friends with him?”

For the same reason you can’t let him go; you know he was abusive, you know you were miserably unhappy and walked on eggshells for most of the relationship but you keep hanging onto the hope someday he will realize what he had with you, and appreciate all you sacrificed in the name of love.

The narcissist has a unique way of bitching about his ex and blaming her for everything and yet still making the new woman feel insecure about being as good as his exs. Let me explain, even though they were wicked evil bitches that broke his heart, they had some unique trait that he just can’t seem to forget or you can’t seem to match.  Out of the blue he will reminisce about the ex after filling the new woman with stories of what a bitch she was. It is another way of keeping the new woman in line and on her toes. She is determined to not do that things that put you in the category of “psycho bitch” but at the same time starts to feel inferior because of some trait he can’t seem to forget. If you continue to communicate with him, allow him to pop in and out of his life all you are doing is enabling him to further hook his new victim. You become one of his players in his orchestrated life. Another reason that no contact is so vitally important; unless you want to help him hook the next victim.

The absolute best way to get revenge on the narcissist is to not play the game, walk away and get a life without him; anything else only gives him either:

A: ammunition to call you a psycho bitch

B: Helps him prove to the new victim  that he can’t be all bad, or why would you be so upset to lose him?

C: Gives him narcissistic supply while he is on his best behavior with the new victim.

D: Opportunity to hurt you even more

* Whether it was your idea or his – after the breakup it will be all your fault and he will be the victim.

Depending on who he is talking to the story will change, and the story he tells you will change to his mood at that time, hourly, daily; from you bailed on him, leaving him heart broken and alone, to; he finally found the strength to leave YOU after years of abuse.

If you have read up on narcissists at all you have probably read that once they are done with you there is no getting them to change their mind. Which is partially true; most articles don’t tell you when exactly they will be done with you. If this is the first time you have split from the narcissist, more than likely he is not done with you yet. Don’t get your hopes up, I don’t mean that there is a chance that it all might work out, What I mean is; a narcissist gets bored very quickly in a relationship and needs to spice things up and he doesn’t get his pointers on how to spice up a relationship from the latest issue of “Cosmopolitan”. His idea of spicing things up is to dump you abruptly and as cruelly as possible and then suck you back in by saying you misunderstood him, are too sensitive, or deny ever saying anything remotely like he wanted to end it.

The first time James and I split he told me he wanted me to move out, that I needed to find out what it was like to support myself, he was sick of carrying the load in the relationship. (which made no sense to me seeing as I had been a single working mom for my son’s whole 17 years). He said that I had pushed him into living together and he had never wanted a live in relationship. I thought maybe I HAD misinterpreted his actions and words, even though I had asked him directly when he got the job in a different town if he wanted to move alone and just date. And a month before we bought the house he had proposed to me and told me that being with me was the best he had ever known. All I knew for sure was that he treated me like he loathed me and spent as much time away from me as he could and I was very unhappy, so I started to plan my move.  As soon as I found a place to live etc. then all of a sudden, “I was leaving him, bailing! giving up on the relationship.” and I couldn’t get rid of him.  I was totally confused and ended up going back, well; it was like we never broke up.

it happened often like that, he would want to end it, I would believe him, he would cry and say I left him; I would love him and never would have left if he hadn’t told me to, so I would go back.

In my rational mind I tried to make sense of what was going on. I knew he had been hurt in the past (all those psycho ex’s you know) and I though maybe he was afraid I would leave him so he was going to leave me first. Or maybe he was afraid of commitment so he had to sabotage the relationship and keep it from developing into something more serious. After a while I could see a pattern (or thought I did) where every time we were living in some hell hole or hadn’t paid the rent for awhile he would want to break up; I would go and get a place to live and next thing you know he is so sorry and wants to try again. Or comes to use my shower and never leaves and never apologized at all, was just as miserable and distant as always. Then I would get angry and demand he leave, HA! he would refuse to leave…….. if I put his stuff outside, beside the road, begged, pleaded, refused to let him bring anything into the house whatsoever, he would not leave, he would sleep in his truck in the driveway. AND he would call me during the day like everything was AOK. Ask me if I wanted him to bring home dinner, or offer to buy me dinner. He would get a job, start to shower again and next thing I know I let him spend the night and “here we go again!” Almost immediately he would revert back to his miserable, unkept, cheating self and I would end up moving to get away from him. He would sabotage my truck and I would call him to rescue me or he would have an accident and I would nurse him.

After 10 years of this dance I truly didn’t think we would ever really split for good. It was just the way we were, the way he had to have the relationship, so when he dumped me for real! and found another woman to be his soul mate. I was devastated, crushed, broken. Not that I hadn’t been for many  years, All that breaking up, making up and being discarded year after year takes a huge toll; you don’t realize because it is a way of life for you. You don’t realize how he has been whittling away at your self esteem and literally sucking the life out of you.

So, if this is your first break up with a narcissist; that is what you can expect, it can go on years and years, after birthing many children; and it never gets better. The abuse gets worse and you get weaker and more broken. But no matter how long you have been in a relationship with the narcissist, who does the breaking up or if he even has a new partner; it will be YOU who has to go no contact.

That is right, even though he/she has found their new soul mate and is happier than they have ever been; they will still pop in and out of your life, professing their love or to remind you what a bitch, loser, asshole, psycho you are and that you are to blame for the relationship failing. You would think that they would be so happy to be free of you that they would ride off into the sunset with their soul mate but nope, they have to rub your nose in the new relationship, they have to make sure to destroy anything good that comes your way. You are such an evil person you do not deserve anything good, ever. They will expect you to spread your legs anytime they want a little bit on the side. After all you are supposed to be so happy whenever they grace you with their presence that you gratefully fall into bed with them, so that immediately after sex they can tell you that they can’t see you anymore because they feel too guilty lying to their new woman. Or they will tell you that the new woman is so upset that they still are talking to you that he has to end all contact. (after you ignored 215 emails and text messages for 3 months, the first time you finally give in and respond he seduced you and dumps you in one fell swoop) Gotcha!! that was good for him, was it good for you?? Didn’t think so.

Be prepared for him to slander you to everyone, your family and friends, your boss, well, anyone who will listen. They will hear all about all the money you spent, how he did everything in the relationship and you were sitting on the couch all day eating bon bons and drinking. (that is what James said I did all day) and demanding he make more money. I was a black hole that he sunk all his money, love, and affection into for 10 years and he was so happy to finally be away from the constant drama and trauma of being with me.

You can get as mad as a hornet and try to tell people the truth and it won’t do any good because you were loyal and didn’t talk about him behind his back and he has already told everyone how vindictive and spiteful you are. To get angry will only prove his point, that you are a psycho lying bitch. Unbelievable?! oh you bet!!

But wait, that isn’t all! There is so much more!!

You know that special trip you always talked about taking? He will take it with the new woman.

I always wanted to take the Rocky Mountaineer Train, (it’s an old train that takes a scenic trip up to Whistler. Only a couple of months into their relationship James and Marissa took the Rocky Mountaineer to Whistler. I bet she paid for it because he wasn’t working at the time, he was “retired”. If it weren’t for me he could have stayed retired, but he had to go back to work to pay off all the debt I left him with, poor soul, lucky he fell in love with a widow with money who was more than happy to prove she was nothing like me.

All those things you begged him for, to show some affection, to even mention you on his facebook, to stay home at night? Well, he is doing them all with the new woman and of course plastering all over facebook and instagram, twittering about how in love he is and how he has met his soul mate. When you were with him he acted like you didn’t exist, you kept checking his relationship status on FB to see if he was listed as single because he sure acted single.

Every once in a while he will make contact, he will be so pleasant and sweet and make sure to fill you in on how happy he is now, how committed he is to the new woman and how wonderful she is.

You won’t recognize him, things he hated before are now center stage in his life. Never wanted kids – now he is with a woman with 6 kids and he is babysitting them while she is out. He never went to church? now he is in church every Sunday and praising the Lord. Never used to cook, now he has dinner ready every night. He used to spend all night watching porn and never come to bed? now he sits on the couch and watches TV with her and they go to bed together.

All of a sudden he is Mr. Honesty, he would never even think of lying to his new woman. I remember James guarded his FB with his life, and after we split he comments that him and Marisa are going through his contact list and he is telling her how he met each of them etc. Oh gag me!! bet she didn’t know he had two facebooks, one for family and friends and one for the women he was flirting with and screwing.

Breaking up with a narcissist is nothing like any break up you have ever experienced before but then that stands to reason because dating a narcissist was nothing like any relationship you ever had before, so to expect an amicable break up is delusional.

One thing you can be sure of; he will not be fair. Hire the best lawyer you can afford and get everything in writing, child custody, visitation, division of property, filing of taxes. Do not let him stall you, intimidate you or manipulate you into anything, get legal counsel on everything. He will pretend to be agreeable only to suck you into giving him something. He will not ever have your best interests at heart. It has always been about him and it always will be.

In every single break up with a narcissist I have heard about, he moves on with insulting speed and the very next victim is the love of his life, the one he has only dreamed, his soul mate. You are heart broken that he can move along that quickly but you must realize that although you were in a committed relationship and thinking of it as forever, he never was. Sure he said he loved you and would never leave but narcissist will say anything to get what they want.

For you to commit to someone you have to mean it so you think everyone operates the same way but a  narcissist can say “I do” in the afternoon and screw the maid of honor that night. Like James said, “I meant it at the time I said it.” or “I love you today.” and that is the way they think. They have no problem making promises because they have no problem changing their mind. They are never committed to anyone or anything; every man or woman that crosses their path is a prospect and if that person seems like a better option than you; they will have no problem dumping you. If you allow them to come and go out of your life all that is happening is, they are testing the waters, seeing if they can hook someone better than you, if it doesn’t work out they come back. Eventually there is going to be someone better because every time you take them back they lose more respect for you and you lose respect for yourself. With time you either shut off all your feelings or you become an emotional basket case; either way you are of no use to the narcissist any more and he has to find fresh supply.

Is He A Narcissist Or Just A Player?

 

fonz

It happens occasionally that, (usually) a woman; comes in and is calling a man a narcissist because they fell in love with a player and he didn’t love them back. There is a difference between a narcissist and a player and Bethany and her male guest (sorry I don’t have a clue who the guy is) explain it well in this clip from an old show off Bethany. 

playboy

Most players never grow out of it. Ol Heff never professed to be anything other than a player but I have never heard any woman telling tales of how he lied to them and destroyed them. He never pretended to be anything other than what he is.

 

I have done it myself in my younger days. A good-looking guy asks the woman out, he is obviously a player, she goes to bed with him anyway and ends up getting hurt.

 

For example; in my younger day,I guess I was about 30 at the time, I was in a club with my mom (my mom and dad had split about a year prior and my mom was just starting to enjoy being single after 29 years of marriage) and there was this REALLY good-looking, sexy guy on the dance floor. God he knew how to dance! Next thing I know he is on the dance floor by himself and he is obviously trying to get some lucky woman to come dance with him. It was the sexiest thing I had ever seen, he was dancing like Patrick Swatzye  in dirty dancing when my mom says, “He’s dancing for you.”

I said, “Naw” and looked behind me expecting to see a woman standing there but there was no one, I looked all around me and I was the only woman in the direction he was focusing his dance. He HAD to be dancing for me and he was motioning for me to come out and join him. I shook my head and he danced right up to where I was sitting and grabbed my hand, so I went out there and oh my Lord he was sexy. He bought me a drink, we talked all night and he asked if I was there very often. I wasn’t usually but I made sure to be there often after that. It turned out that every time I went he was there and we would hook up, some times he would invite me to a party after the club closed and yes we ended up having sex. In fact after the first time we had sex, every time we hooked up we ended up having sex. It didn’t take long for me to realize that was all I was to this guy and I stopped showing up at the club.

I had a few twinges of a bruised ego, why didn’t he want more than just sex? I knew it was because all he wanted was sex and I made it easy for him. He never lied to me, never pretended to want more, I was there, he was attracted to me but he wasn’t looking for anything more than sex at that time. I knew then, and I know it even better now; not every man is going to fall in love with me. I also know that it is ok for two consenting adults to enjoy a romp in the sack without a commitment.

When I met JC 10 years later I pegged him as a player almost from the start, and I decided early in the relationship that I was going to have sex with him, even if just one time. I found him extremely sexy, I was 40 years old, he was 6 years younger, I really was not thinking it was ever going to work into anything more than a few dates, some good sex (hopefully) and we would part ways.  Our third date he invited me to his house for dinner and we ended up having sex and I stayed the night but had to work the next day so left first thing in the morning. He insisted on buying me breakfast and he called that night to make plans for another date on the upcoming weekend. He called me at least once or twice a day during the day and every evening. We talked for hours and the more we talked the more we had in common. I went to his place for our date on a Friday night and stayed the night again. The next morning about noon I packed up my stuff and was heading home. He seemed surprised that I was leaving and said as much. I told him that he hadn’t asked me for the whole weekend and I had made plans for Saturday. He begged me in his cute little boy way that he had, but I went home. The following week he called every day and took me out for dinner to meet his best friend on the Thursday night and well…. that was it, if we didn’t see each other we at least talked every day for the next 8 years. I had to tell him not to call me so much at work because I was too busy to spend so much time on the phone while at work. He was the one pushing for more, he was the one that said he loved me first, he was the one who was talking like we were a couple, talking about the future, telling me he had thought he was in love before but now he knew what true love was, making me promise to never change. THAT makes him a narcissist.

When we finally moved in together and he threw all my furniture in the dump because, “Babe, we’ll buy some new stuff that we pick out together, I’m going to make enough money we can get really nice stuff we both like.” And then a month later was telling me that I forced myself on him and he never wanted to live together. THAT is a narcissist.

My first husband could not be faithful, if he went out with the guys and a woman showed interest he couldn’t walk away. It hurt, we fought about it, but he never lied, he never blamed me for his infidelity, I believe he really did love me and he never would have left me but I could not live with him being with other women. He never had affairs, he slept with them one night and that was it, never made promises to them and never lied to me. We had wonderful Christmases, he always did nice little things for me, brought me flowers for no reason, never forgot a birthday or Valentine’s, we made plans and he always showed up. I could count on him to be there for me if I was sick, my family loved him. I never felt less a woman, I never took it on as my problem because he never made it my problem. I wasn’t left with sexual hangups or feeling I was unlovable or not worthy of being loved. For years I thought of him as my one true love and that I would never love any man the way I loved him; until I met James.

If you have been happily married for 25 years, and your husband has always been faithful, he has never lied to you and you enjoyed family Christmases together, raised your kids together, never argued about money and he never denied that he loved you and then one day he is in love with the secretary at his office and he is leaving you. That does not make him a narcissist, it might make him an asshole, it might means he is going through a midlife crisis or the two of you drifted apart and were too wrapped up in the kids or whatever and let the marriage get boring. Sometimes people just fall out of love and there just happens to be some young thing looking mighty fine standing right beside him telling him how sexy he is. Should he screw around? No! if the marriage is in trouble he should have worked on the marriage instead of finding someone else or at least been honest and left the marriage before he screwed around. It hurts like hell and it feels like your world is crumbling in around you, but it does not make him a narcissist. Sometimes marriages just end, sometimes it is both people’s fault or maybe one stopped trying; it happens. You split up the property, you blame each other for the demise of the marriage but eventually you get some closure, you each own your own shit, share custody of the kids and sometimes even become friends. If tragedy strikes you can call them and cry on their shoulder and they you. I have had two marriages that ended and yeah there were fights, but when it come right down to it we worked it out and went on with our lives.

A narcissist doesn’t allow that. With a narcissist you have to be totally to blame for his behaviour and yours and you have to hate each other. If you try to not hate him he will continue to hurt you until you do hate him. There is no other way with them.

I am not advocating for the players of the world but players are often mistaken for narcissists and narcissists may be players but they are in a class all their own.