Tag Archives: compassion

Consumed With Your Troubles? Try This!!

Below is a link to a video I think anyone would appreciate. I watched it this morning and was sobbing by the time I was 1/2 way through.

Some times when we are suffering and our life seems to be in the crapper we get consumed with our problems and our world gets very small. We only see the negative things, we lose faith in a fair and just world and can become bitter and self absorbed.

I have always dealt with my own depression or down times by doing something nice for some else. A random act of kindness not only helps the person I am reaching out to; it never fails to make me feel better. So I guess I do it for selfish reasons, there is always someone that could use a smile, kind word, someone to listen for a few minutes, everyone has their own story, their own hurts and if I take the time to reach out who knows; maybe I made their day a little more bearable.

It has happened to me so many times, there are people walking around in the world who have no idea they were responsible for me making it one more day. When I first started hauling scrap I had days I could barely get out of bed, consumed with grief, self doubt, worried about money and wanting to just give up. I would spend 1/2 my day crying as I drove and then I would pull up to a light and look over at the driver beside me and they’d give me a big smile and a “thumbs up”, or someone on the street would yell out, “Lady Witha Truck, you go girl”. One time a woman walked up to me and told me I inspired her; she has no idea how she changed my life by sharing that. I have so many memories of times, right up to just a few days ago; when someone unwittingly gave me the boost I needed to get through that day.

It takes time, it means you have to stop what you are doing, you have to put yourself out there, risk possible rejection. It means over coming your shyness and own insecurities but try it some time; its an amazing feeling when you give a person recognition, praise. It doesn’t cost a dime but could be what gets that person through that day, week, you could be the person who gets them over the hump to tomorrow and maybe their tomorrow is the day their life turns around. Never think you can’t make a difference in a person’s world.

I try to remember to acknowledge the people who cross my path daily. Things as simple as saying, “Good job !!! Thank you”. “I sure respect you, I could never do that job” “You know that haircut really suits you”, “Thank you, you really went out of your way to help me”.

One time I was in a thrift store in town and the young volunteer at the cash register was telling me she was a single mom of two on welfare, going to school, and trying to make a better life for herself and children. It was raining and she was telling me how hard it was to keep the kids entertained when it rains day after day.

After I left I remembered feeling so overwhelmed with Kris when it would rain, I remembered standing out on the porch and sobbing my eyes out feeling so alone. I had solved the problem by having “Rainy Day Parties”, so I went to work making this young mom a rainy Day party box. I put a coupon for videos, balloons, streamers, party hats, paper plates, napkins, some art supplies, and other party items and a card telling her I admired her, how I had solved the rainy Day blues, and wished her well, then I dropped it off at the store. She had no idea what was in the box but was speechless to receive a gift from a virtual stranger.

It took a bit of effort on my part; the worst part was making myself take the box to her, I was so afraid she’d reject my efforts, think I was silly, but I forced myself. Some times you just have to put yourself out there, you will be helping someone else but the real winner will be you. Try it!!

Here’s a feel good video to maybe inspire you to step out of your own little world and make a difference in the life of someone else.

Bonding With A Stranger

I had a wonderful and unexpected experience last night.

I went over to my girlfriend’s for a visit and to use her internet. While I was there she had some friends drop by. The girl was very outgoing, talkative and upbeat kind of person and I immediately took a liking to her, she was typical of the kind of friends my friend has. Usually when my g/f gets a group of her friends together there is a lot of lively conversation.

I was only listening with 1/2 my attention because I was trying to catch up with comments on here, so I don’t remember how we got on to the topic of this girls eye; but she revealed that she had lost her eye due to her ex somehow hitting her in the face with a broom. She recalled the events and said she remembered him being angry and hitting a box with it, he said it broke and flew and hit her by accident, the police say the broom was intact when they investigated the incident.

Either way, she lost her eye and now has a prosthesis eye. I must say it was very hard to tell she is a very pretty young woman. But she was saying the police pressed charges against him but she refused to testify against him and even walked into the courthouse with him holding his hand. She related some of the abuse she suffered from him and I closed my laptop and was listening at first but then I asked if she had ever researched narcissism or psychopaths and she hadn’t even heard of narcissism which is so typical as we all know. Before I knew it, it was like it was only her and I in the room. We went back and forth, one barely finishing a sentence before the other finished it for her and guess what! Our ex’s had the same name!!
Just as it is in here, our stories were eerily the same, and she felt as I do that she was lucky to escape with her life.

There was one guy in the room and my girl friend who both sat quietly and listened to the exchange that went on for God knows how long.

It got to be 2:30 in the morning before I realized I was getting sleepy and she said she had to get going. My g/f said something about us really having a bonding experience and almost group therapy session and mentioned that the guy had shown a lot of respect and restraint to just sit there listening and not getting bored. He said he didn’t mind at all because his biological father had treated his mom badly. But we were all in agreement that it hadn’t been depressing in the least, we all felt better for it. The other girl said she hadn’t talked about it like that before, that she wasn’t usually that open especially with people she doesn’t know but with me understanding where she was coming from and not judging her for staying etc she felt comfortable to share her experiences and in sharing them she got closure and insight into feelings she hadn’t previously acknowledged. She is with a really nice guy now but shares children with her abusive ex and said he still scares her, he can still control her and she knows she can’t be his friend but she has a hard time cutting him from her life. She knows his new g/f and he hasn’t changed at all and of course everything is always her fault as we all know too well. She admitted she can’t hate him, she doesn’t want to go back but no one understands why she can’t hate him. She said there must be something wrong with her. I told her I totally understand and there is nothing wrong with her.

I invited her to come here for a visit and I hope she does.

When she was leaving she came over to me and introduced herself and I stood up and gave her a hug. I felt like we had formed a very special bond last night. We might never see each other again but we both came away from this chance encounter enriched with a new understanding and feeling less alone.

She was very happy for me for getting my new job and she said admired me for my strength to over come and survive. But I was looking at her and seeing this upbeat, strong woman who has survived way worse abuse then I did and thinking how strong she is.

There is a huge misconception about abused women and men; it is that they are weak.

I think the reason people are abused and don’t leave is not because they are weak, they do it because they are strong. They think they can withstand the abuse and help their abuser, they are giving, loving people who won’t give up on the person they love when things get rough. Not every one can love like that, not everyone has the strength to endure that kind of daily verbal and emotional abuse. We may eventually feel broken because we have depleted all our resources but that strength is in us and we get strong again. If you think you can’t survive the pain you are feeling, if you think you aren’t strong enough, know that you are stronger than you know, you have already survived what would bring some people to their knees. You will survive!! Just don’t hold it inside, don’t let his words echo in your ears, speak it, put a voice to your secret fears that it really is your fault and release yourself from undeserving guilt over your own abuse.

Abuse Victims Get Less Compassion Than Criminals

I wrote my post “some facts and figures on domestic abuse” yesterday and then last night I read an article in my local paper about the new women’s prison that had its grand opening recently. Here are some excerpts from that article; it was titled “Get beyond ‘lock em up!’”

“People are starting to realize that prisoners should be treated with compassion and dignity.” “Terms like “reducing recidivism” and rehabilitation” were used over and over at the opening of the new maximum security area of the Alouette Correctional Centre for Women in Maple Ridge”
”Many women who come to the prison are in very poor health, often undernourished and with serious addiction problems. Programs in place at the prison help them manage their emotions and work on relationship skills.”
“There is talk of getting more educational programs at the prison”
“The ACCW inmates also have access to health care professionals,-nurses, doctors, dentists- looking after them and addiction programs to help them on the road to recovery”
“Women are especially vulnerable when they get on the wrong side of the law and having these services in place to help them prepare for their eventual release just makes sense.”
“Each woman in prison is someone’s daughter, sister, or niece, and sometimes someone’s mother.”
They “often have families waiting at the prison gates for them when they leave – and seeing and treating them with humanity will help them on their road to recovery and away from a life of crime.”

That is a wonderful attitude, very progressive, an “in the well being of society” attitude. The women going to this prison have committed a crime that got them a sentence longer than 2 years which means it had to be something fairly serious.

I did 10 years of hard time for a crime I never committed and there was no family waiting for me when I got out with nothing but my clothes.

All over the world women are treated worse than prisoners in their own homes for the simple crime of loving the wrong person and when they are released into society they often don’t have family waiting at the gate.

There is some thing iniquitous about women who have committed a crime being given more understanding, respect and compassion than a woman who was in an abusive relationship. Why is that? Because as a general rule society looks down on weakness, committing a crime is not viewed as weak, but being beaten, verbally assaulted and not leaving is viewed as weak.

If you read the comments of women who have come to this site you will see the many injustices committed against them by their partner and then the criminal justice system, society and often times their own families because of judgments that come from a lack of education about domestic abuse. Because these women aren’t criminals and don’t think like a criminal they don’t know how to manipulate the system, they expect to tell the truth and to be treated with respect and compassion.
Instead it is very common with narcissists that when the police get there they are calm, rational, and totally in control where as the victim is near hysterical, shaking, crying and finding it difficult to collect her thoughts. After years of abuse the victim’s emotions are raw, she is afraid, confused, distraught.

The police have been told by the narcissist that she is a psycho bitch that he has tried to tolerate, he will even say nice things like it isn’t her fault she had a lousy childhood, or he might even cry and say how much he loves her but just can’t take the abuse, he doesn’t know what she is capable of and he is at his wits end.

Nine times out of ten the police are men who of course respond better to the calm rational male than the hysterical woman. Once they are done talking to him anything she says has been tainted by his twisted version of the events and the woman is left trying to defend herself once again; this time against the very people who are supposed to be there to protect and help her.

The victim being the person that they are; caring honest individuals; only want what is fair and are often blindsided by the narcissist’s cruelty. The narcissist will resort to any underhanded maneuvers he can think of, slander the victim, harass her, turn her own family against her, make her lose her job, he will purger himself in court and the “system” plays right into his evil plot to destroy the victim. If he can’t have her (doesn’t want her or appreciate her) then he will make sure she has nothing any one else will want and nothing to live for. He doesn’t care what the laws say about equal division of property; what’s his is his and what’s hers is his and if he can’t have it then he will destroy it just so she can’t have it. The narcissist wants the pets, the children, and the money and property; and he won’t fight fair to get them.

Women have come in here and told horror stories about him charging her with abuse, not being allowed in the house to get personal belongings, being charged with theft for taking their belongings, losing custody of her children and the narcissist turning the children against their mother so that they won’t even talk to her. Women who were physically attacked by the new woman while he held the victim, women who if they are lucky have family who will take them in and the others end up in shelters or like me couch surfing or homeless.

On top of that he fully expects her to be as vindictive as he is, has anticipated any moves she might make and is very seldom caught off guard.

It is for certain a woman leaving a narcissist will never leave with more than she came into the relationship with and I would estimate that 90% of victims who leave their abusive partner live in poverty.

It is a proven fact that if a criminal leaves prison and receives no support from society in the form of medical, dental, counseling, compassion, respect and an education so they can find work they will go back to a life of crime. So why is it so hard for people to fathom that without those same resources the abused woman goes back to her abuser when he comes to her promising he’s changed?