Tag Archives: Core self

Profound Insite From A Member

I received a comment on the Support Forum of the blog today and couldn’t wait to make it into a stand-alone post. It is so profound and critical to the long term healing for the victim of narcissistic abuse. Although I have done posts on it before, it needs repeating and hopefully our combined effort will help people stugging to heal.

This is the comment.

MyLife

I remember thinking of myself as a hero of sorts for putting up with the abuse, for keeping the relationship alive and the family whole. I endured the insults and the pain and was grateful for crumbs. I was such a good person! I forgave, I overlooked, I accepted, and doled out second chances until they numbered in the thousands. Come to find out I was just as disordered as he was in my own saintly way.

Ugh it’s hard to admit even now and even harder to understand some of his slurs were actually true. Too sensitive? Actually yes. Too emotional? Yup. Passive aggressive, I could check that box too. I was a hot mess dancing with a cold one, he pitched and I swung and I played my part like a champ until I finally got tired of losing to his unfair rules.

Looking back I guess that’s when I became pretty crappy supply. The raging got really bad and I without realizing it caused him some hefty narcissistic injuries. We went from crazy to outright bedlam and the worst part is the kids went there with us.

That’s when I had to stop playing saint, that was the true breaking point. But even when you finally get to your breaking point it’s not enough you have to start fixing what was wrong with yourself to get into such a place in the first place. No contact with the abuser but major in depth contact with yourself which should be your one and only focus, not the abuser. All of the thoughts you continue to give the abuser are energy that should belong to you and must belong to you and alone if you’re ever going to heal.

At first each and every time you start thinking about him (or her) you will have to very deliberately refocus your thoughts to yourself and that’s hard work. You might not want to. Your brain might not cooperate. But until you master this you will continue to suffer at the abusers hand whether you’re near or far.

* No truer words have every been spoken.

I can remember feeling extremely offended and being very defensive the first time it was suggested to me that I had anything to do with my own abuse.

It was when I was once again lamenting “why does he keep hurting me?”

Someone said, “Because you keep letting him.”

Ouch!!

First you have to get the victim away from the narcissist before you suggest they need to look at themselves because to suggest it too soon will only give them an excuse to stay or go back. You can not live true to your core self while you are with a narcissist, its impossible.

As long as the victim of abuse thinks there is something they can do to save the relationship they will continue to go back. It is only when they have tried everything that they admit defeat and leave. That is why the victim stays, the narcissist keeps saying things like, “If you would stop doing that….I would stop hurting you.” “If you did this…..I would be happy and we could go back to the way we were.”

When the victim leaves or gets dumped (in the end the victim always is the one to leave the narcissist because the narcissist never truly leaves completely) and (I think every victim has said the same thing) “How can I ever trust again? How can I make sure I am never hurt again?” And they think the answer lies in studying the narcissist so they know everything there is to know. Malignant, Covert, Sociopath, Psychopath, they become experts on every trait and study done.

The problem with that is; the narcissist changes his personality like he changes his clothes. He morphs into whatever personality suits his agenda at any given time. We have all seen him change right before our eyes.

The only constant and the only thing within our power to change, is ourselves.

MyLife spoke of what I call “doing the dance”, we all did it. He swings, we sidestep, we move, he moves, we anticipate what he will do next and he KNOWS what we will do next, he plays us like a violin.

We become martyrs, martyrs are not attractive people. We lament that we are “just that way. I can’t say no. I love him and I am sensitive, I can’t say no when he begs me to take him back. He lied. It wasn’t my fault. I am just a victim.”

I listened to myself and thought, “Wow! If I insist on not taking any responsibility for my own situation I am always going to be a victim, helpless to ever protect myself.” How could anyone heal and find happiness if they have no control over what happens to them?

What the narcissist wanted changed hourly, you twisted yourself into what you thought he wanted and it was never good enough, you were never enough. Now you don’t have a clue who you are any more, he was the only one who ever loved you just the way you were; no wait……only while he was love bombing you, once he had you things changed.

I started by taking every single criticism he had of me and looking at it honestly. Was I too sensitive? I had been told my whole life I was, by my whole family. I did a personality test. Yep, I was a sensitive person, probably an empath, I was not a freak, 4% of the population had the same score I did. That was reassuring.

I didn’t want to stop being a sensitive person but I knew I didn’t always handle it in a positive way. What could I do to change it, why did I get SO hurt when others didn’t, why did I panic when someone rejected me?

Intellectually I know I can’t control what happens to me but I have full control over how I react.

From that point on, every time I felt that anxiety building, the anger growing when someone hurt me, I stopped. Stepped back, took a deep breath and did nothing.

It seems to me sensitive people tend to make rash decisions, they feel they must do something immediately. It caused me so much heart ache in my past.

I make lousy decisions when I am emotional. I say and do things I regret and I have to back peddle and then I feel guilty, giving the narcissist the power position to twist things to be my fault, lay guilt trips and sweep what he did under the carpet. I was forever giving my power away and then wondering how things always got turned back on me.

The biggest thing I learned was to not make any decisions and sleep on it. Oh sure, I would want to rage, give the person a piece of my mind, demand I be treated with respect etc etc. Or if the other person rejected me I would fight the urge to grovel and beg their forgiveness. I would sit down and write out my thoughts, with pen on paper because it seems to connect me more to my true feelings.

I would try to be an observer of my own mind. Why was I feeling this way? I know anger is always based in some other emotion, fear,  jealousy,  sadness, hurt….. you are never just angry. I would identify why I was angry. Once I could identify why I would ask myself was that feeling justified or was I being too sensitive. (You must come to this conclusion on your own. You can not rely on someone else to tell you that you are too sensitive).

This is another epiphany I had. Being sensitive is often times your ego messing with your head. A lot of times if someone seemed to reject me it really had nothing to do with me at all!! Another ouch! Excuse me! It’s not always about you! Maybe they had a bad day, maybe they don’t feel well, maybe they had other plans.

One Christmas I was looking forward to my son and grand daughter spending Christmas with me. I envisioned them spending Xmas eve, opening gifts Xmas morning, going to my mom’s for Xmas dinner. My son had not been home on Christmas day in 8 years and I had it all planned.

Then we were talking on the phone and he told me how Christmas was going to go. He was picking up his daughter after work, driving to his dad’s and spending Xmas eve there. Then they would go to my mom’s from there and coming to my place on Boxing Day. I was so angry I could barely be civilized enough to say I would have to call him back. I know he must have wondered what the hell happened, all of a sudden I had gone silent. I was furious!! No, my feelings were hurt, my ego was hurt. “How dare he put me at the bottom of his list. His father had never been there for him, I had earned Xmas day (entitlement). I am always the one who has to compromise.” (Martyrdom) I cried, I wrote pages and pages of angry hurt feelings until I was able to calmly express myself without lashing out.

I contemplated just being a martyr and not saying anything but I knew my son would feel something was wrong, that old passive aggressive thing MyLife touched on would rear its ugly head OR I could be honest.

I called him, asked if he had time to talk, he said, “Sure momma, what’s up?”

I said, “I have to tell you that I am having hurt feelings because I am being put last on your list this Christmas. I was really hoping you would be spending Christmas with me.”

He said, “oh mom! You are never last on my list. I was just thinking I am picking Kaela up after work, it’s a 4 hour drive to my dad’s and 5+ hours to your place. Four hours in the truck is going to be about max for a 4 year old. If we stay at my dad’s I can get her into bed at a decent time. My dad has a spare bedroom so Kaela can go to bed whereas at your place you only have one bedroom and you insist on sleeping on the couch.  Dad lives 10 minutes from Grandma’s house. If we drove to your house Xmas Eve we would be driving right past my dad’s and grandma’s and then have to turn around and go back the next day.  I was just thinking of logistics.”

He went on to explain he had to move his stuff out of his apartment and into storage while he was on the coast and thought he would do that Boxing Day and him and I could have turkey when he was done.

By the time he finished I felt nothing but love and understanding for him. I suggested that I help him move his stuff on Boxing Day and we could just grab a burger or something. He sounded so relieved. It was one of the best Christmases I have ever had and Boxing Day I had him all to myself, reminiscing, laughing, crying, and I felt so close to him. I treasure the day to this day.

It could have gone in a totally different direction. And with a narcissist, it would have. I hear you saying, “So how does this new approach protect me from the narcissist?”

It protects you because you are coming from an honest, healthy place and a healthy person will respect that, a narcissist won’t. If you find yourself being pulled into an argument and being told you are wrong to feel the way you do you are a lot less likely to get sucked into the toxicity of the narcissist if you are calm rational and confident. If you lose your temper, cry, accuse him of disrespecting you, even a healthy person will be defensive. If you ever did get to the truth there would be hard feelings, you would feel guilty and hurtful things would have been said.

If you act responsibly, if you are confident that your feelings are justified, if you don’t blame and own your feelings, no one can make you feel “less than” again.

The same thing applies to saying yes and no. As simple as it may seem, victims of a narcissist have a problem with saying “No”. It was hard to admit but I often said “Yes” and then resented it. I would say yes so people would like me, so people wouldn’t get angry with me, because I felt obligated, guilty, or because I was a martyr and liked to look good and charitable. I didn’t want to appear selfish, I wanted people to talk about what a nice person I was. Very rarely did I say yes or do things, for the right reason;…… because I really wanted to do it.

Many times in my life I said yes I would do something and then grumble about having to do it.

Once again I stopped making a rash decision and would say, “I will have to get back to you.”

I would analyze how I felt about it in my gut. I only did things for the right reason. It does not make you selfishould to say no and you can say no and not provide an explanation for saying no.

* No, can be a complete answer.

There is so much more to it; it is a lot of work. You have to be diligent and brutally honest with yourself and not validate yourself through other people. No canvassing others to see what they think you should do. No taking a survey to find out if they think you are right. You have a right to your feelings and you have the power to express them in a healthy productive way.

It does not happen over night, it takes retraining your brain how it thinks about you (your mind only knows what you allow to be put in it), it takes learning to trust your gut, getting control of your ego, giving up your need to be right, giving up your need to be liked by everyone (you don’t like everyone, not everyone is going to like you. It doesn’t make anyone right or wrong), and it takes a commitment to living an  authentic honest life to the best of your ability. And when you “fail” which we all do; we slide back into our old ways. You start again, keep trying to be the best you that you can be, every day is a new day, we can and should always strive to be better.

We know instinctively when we are not living true to our core self. When we feel like a failure, when we need others approval and to tell us we are right, we are not living true to our core self.

We are not bad people. If there is something about yourself you don’t like, you have the power to change it, alter it, or throw it away. It is a totally personal journey. My faults will not be the exact same as yours, what I consider a flaw will not be the same as what you consider to be a flaw.

Most people never get the chance to totally rebuild themselves from the ground up. We come into this world a clean slate with nature abilities, talents and personality and then our parents start trying to form us into who they think we should be. Some parents encourage a child to be an individual and find their passion but many try to force the child to conform to their interests and dreams for the child and inflict their hang ups on the kids. We grow into adults not even aware that we are not living true to our core self only feeling we are impostors and a failure somehow.

I am not saying we were all abused as children, our parents wanted what was best for us. Embrace this opportunity to discover who you were born to be.

One thing is for certain; when you concentrate on your feelings, your reaction, your values and live true to your core self, life becomes much easier and no matter what happens in your life you have inner peace and no one can make you feel “less than”. 

It is when we allow others to tell us who we “should” be that we give them the power to make us feel “less than”. 

And it is when we feel “less than” that we are our weakest and most vulnerable.

When Will I Be My Old Self Again?

I hate to break it to you but you will never be your old self again, nor should you, for many good reasons. Here are a few reasons why you should take this opportunity to become the new and improved you.

1. Your old self got you into this mess in the first place, lets hope we all are wiser and stronger people for the experience. No experience in life is a waste as long as you learn and grow from it, don’t waste this chance to do some major personal growth.

2. Being naive and oblivious to the evils of the world gives us a false sense of security, and feeling secure is something everyone wants. We want to believe everyone has a good side, that bad things happen to other people, not us, evil people are in the movies and live somewhere else. We liked thinking we would be able to detect if someone was evil, we also used to believe in Santa Claus; but we all have to grow up and face reality some time.

3. Dwelling on the past and all you lost is only going to make you unhappy. Wishing things were different will only make you unhappy, you can’t change the past but you can change how you handle the future.

4. You can’t fix anyone else, you can’t change anyone else, but you have total control over how you live and if you live true to yourself and your core beliefs no one can ever make you feel guilty, less than, or that you don’t deserve to be happy.

5. No one, no matter how much you love them; has the right to expect you to compromise your principles or your well being. 

6. On the same note, to expect someone else to make you happy or feel valued is giving them too much responsiblity and pressure. I know I sure the hell don’t want the responsibility of someone else’s happiness and self worth.

7. It is not your fault you got sucked in by a narcissist because you didn’t know better, but now you do know better and need to figure out how to avoid it happening again. The scarest part for me was the thought that I had totally been a victim and had no control over what happened to me, it meant I had no control over it happening again. I HAD to find a way where I had control over what people did to me, I could not go the rest of my life helplessly reacting to life and the actions of others. 

(To not take some responsibility for it is setting yourself up for a life of fear and unhappiness. You are relying on luck to keep you safe and saying to yourself, “you are helpless to protect yourself”, then wonder why you keep getting hurt. There are women who go through life lamenting, “Why do I keep meeting assholes?” We all meet assholes, assholes are every where, the question should be, “Why do you stay with them?”)

8. Living true to your core values, having “deal breaker” boundaries, not sacrificing your happiness and security is NOT being selfish, it is being smart and it protects you from being a victim. Love is NOT sacrificing yourself, your values, your security, your morality. If someone says, “If you really loved me you would do this thing I ask.”  rephrase it and say, “If you really loved me you would not expect me to do something or accept something that I do not feel comfortable with.”

9. Some where along the way, during our upbringing, someone instilled in us that we are not complete or valueable without a partner in our life, that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all. That is straight bullshit!! 

I am not a man hater, I am not the least bit bitter or jaded about relationships, a relationship can be wonderful, sharing your life with someone can be fantastic, a shoulder to lean on when life gets you down, someone to share the good times and weather the bad times with. I liked being part of a “couple”,  when a relationship is healthy there is nothing better but there is nothing worse than feeling alone when you aren’t, or always having to fight for your right to feel a certain way, there is nothing comforting about having to snoop to see if your spouse is being faithful, you should be able to trust your partner’s word, you should be able to trust your partner’s promises, you should be able to trust your own recollection of events and not be told you are crazy or paranoid. None of those things are part of a healthy loving relationship, and if you stay with that person, you never will have a healthy relationship.

10. You owe it to yourself and any future partner to take the time now to heal present and past hurts, deal with that inner voice that says you are not good enough, learn to set boundaries, YOUR deal breaker boundaries, learn to listen to your gut, to block the negative shit we have been told about ourselves, learn how to live a true and honest life in every area of your life. Stop being what you have been told you should be and start being the person you are meant to be. I guarantee you that if you start living life true to your core self you will know your worth and no one will ever be able to make you feel less than again, you will have less and less self doubt, and you WILL find inner peace. 

I recommend taking at least a year or two after a narcissist to heal before dating. If the thought of that makes you feel panicked and anxious, then you most definitely need to take a couple of years. If you need to find a man because you think the clock is ticking and time is running out for you to have a child, or you feel you can’t support yourself, or you can’t survive without a man, or all your friends are married and you feel like odd man out, and especially if you find yourself trying to be the kind of woman the man wants instead of being honest with yourself and him and admitting early on when the man is not the kind of man you want in your life. Too many times women bend over backwards trying to be what the man wants and making excuses for his unacceptable behaviour because they just started dating and don’t want to appear demanding or bitchy. 

I have actually had women come into the blog complaining because a guy doesn’t treat her with respect and at the same time describe how he got blind drunk their first date, she slept with him on the first date and she has been concerned about his drink all along, he has a warped sense of humor and expects her to come to his place for sex and then leave. He has never pretended to be in love with her and she is calling him a narcissist. No, you are a door mat that won’t demand a man treat you with respect. I think it was Dr Phil, or Oprah that said, “We teach people how to treat us.” And it is the truth. We teach people how to treat us by what we accept, asking for respect is not the same as demanding respect and being prepared to walk if you don’t get it.

So, please don’t wish to be your old self ………… strive to be your best self and make it a life long journey

The Top Ten Truths 6 Years Out

I titled this the top ten truths after 6 years out because I am sure you will discover, as I did; that the longer you are out of the relationship with a narcissist the clearer your thinking becomes and what matters to you changes dramatically.

I left my ex in November 2010 and thought I would love him forever and couldn’t live without him. Now 6 years out, six years, SIX YEARS!! OUT !! I can not believe how different my attitude is, how much I have grown as a person and how much inner peace I have found.

Today I wanted to share with you some of the major truths I have discovered personally since leaving the narcissist/psychopath and focussing on MY recovery and happiness.

#1. I CAN survive without him in my life and once I stopped torturing myself with thoughts of “what could have been”, “how unfair it was that I invested so much into the relationship”, stopped trying to justify my actions while in the relationship and stopped wondering how he was treating the new woman; I was able to work on me.

#2. I am not that powerful. I do not have the power to turn a normal loving man into a psychopath and I certainly do not have the ability to change a psychopath into a normal loving human being.

#3. I was not happy. I was so busy trying to make him happy I totally over looked the fact that he could not make me happy and wasn’t even willing to try to make me happy.

#4. Not everyone is going to like me or love me and that is ok. I don’t like everyone I meet so what makes me think I am so great that everyone should love me? Some people are not meant to be friends, that is no reflection on my worth as a person.

#5. Never make decisions because you feel pressured. If you don’t know what you should do, do nothing. Often times the answer will come on its own. Very rarely is there a need to make a decision in panic or anxiety, usually when we feel panicked about something it is because other people are pressuring us. Take time to yourself away from the person pressuring you and use your logical, rational self to decide. ie: the narcissist is pressuring you to go back and try again. You don’t know if you should. What is the worst that can happen if you make him wait? He finds someone else? then your decision is made for you isn’t it?

#6. You can have inner peace even when your world is falling apart. If you live true to your core beliefs and never allow anyone to manipulate you into doing something you are uncomfortable with and if you speak your truth with kindness but conviction; you will always have inner peace no matter what is going on in your life. People confuse inner peace with having everything perfect in your life. But we can have everything we ever thought we needed and wanted and not have inner peace.

#7. You can have disagreements with people and still have a relationship with them. It’s ok to get angry, it is ok to say no, it is ok to walk away. We/I had always worried about what people thought of me, made choices in my life based on what other’s thought I should do or even more dangerous, based on what I thought they wanted me to do. When I decided to live true to myself I found I had to stand up for myself a lot more…….. and that was ok. It felt uncomfortable at first but it got easier and now it feels damn good! I refuse to be pressured into anything and if I am feeling pressured I remove myself from the situation (this year it meant I walked out of my mom’s house on Mother’s Day. I felt a bit of guilt over it, for a short while, but I thought about it and to do anything else would have not been living my truth. She was wanting me to make a decision about a place to live, I was unsure about it, in fact I hated it. So I was taking time to make the decision. As it turns out I did move into the place but negotiated a much better rent, and I still hate the place, it is not home to me, but it was the best option I had/have for now. BUT I have inner peace about it because I made the decision on my own and not because she pressured me into it. Recently she told me, now she can see why I don’t like it and why I was so hesitant.

#8. You will never make everyone happy, there is always going to be someone who thinks you aren’t doing it right, whatever “it” is, so you might as well make yourself happy by living true to yourself.

#9. Living true to yourself does not mean you are being selfish, in fact it makes it easier to be unselfish. If you only do things that are true to your core values and desires; then you can give freely without expectations or disappointments.

#10. When you start living true to your core self there is no need for approval, no need to be right, no guilt, and no need to control.

The greatest truth I learned since leaving my ex is: I am enough, I am a good person and when I live true to my core self and stop listening to other people tell me who I am or should be; I am more confident and self assured. I am at peace.