At times I think I confuse people with my views on who is at fault in a relationship with a narcissist.
Although I don’t believe the victim is to blame, there is no way they knew what they were getting into, no one teaches us about narcissists and psychopaths, unfortunately it is a lesson we had to learn the hard way. BUT we do have to take some responsibility for our own abuse because we stayed.
NOW, before you get defensive or take all the blame let me explain. We are all caregivers, that is what we do, as much as the narcissist is a taker, user and abuser and has no heart, we are the exact opposite. It stands to reason we would end up with a narcissist doesn’t it?
I hear people say they are afraid to ever date again because they can’t trust another man, or they can’t trust themselves, or they can’t stop being who they are and they refuse to stop being a caring giving person. But no one is asking they to change who they are only define who they are and then stick to that definition and not let anyone tell them differently. Set boundaries and stick to them, be true to your core beliefs and respect yourself and demand that others respect you also. A narcissist will not stick around if he knows you can not be manipulated. I watched that show Secret Millionaire the other day, the show where a millionaire pretends to be poor in order to find a love partner who loves them for them and not their money. I watched several of the episodes and something happened I had not anticipated; in the final few minutes of the show the contestant reveals the truth to the (in the cases I watched) woman he has been lying about his wealth and the woman who previously had really been falling for the guy broke up with him for lying to her.
I doubt I would have done that. I have never cared how much money a guy had but, to be honest, if I was falling for a guy and he revealed he had been lying and he was actually a millionaire I would be thrilled!! Bonus!! and I would have totally ignored the fact that he had lied to me, I would understand why he did it and forgiven him and said something like, “I’ll forgive you this time but ever lie to me again and it’s over.'” Some of the women asked to think about it for a while alone, but they came to the same conclusion and broke up with the guy. Actually only one woman decided to stick with the guy and they were getting along great 2 months later but who knows what a year down the road brought.
That got me thinking and wondering what the women (or men) on here would do. Would you forgive or break up with the guy? I respect the women who stood firm to their boundaries and from now on I am standing firm to my boundaries also, no 2nd chances, no acceptions to the rule. THAT is where we run into problems. You can still be a caring, giving person without being a doormat and letting a person walk all over you and disrespect you. Love does not mean letting someone ignore your standards. If honesty is not important to you then by all means date a liar, or if you want to pay for everything all the time, pay all the time, but if you want honesty, faithfulness, and respect don’t date a guy who lies, has cheated on other women because he will cheat on you and don’t pay his way.
Another thing we did, we gave too much, we invested too much, when we invest too much the person and the relationship becomes more important because we are invested. Watch this video, they are talking about allowing the other person to invest in the relationship also, that if we do it all the scales become unbalanced and we end up more invested in the relationship than the other person. Just listen to the first few minutes it makes a lot of sense. I know I was doing all the driving when I met James, it happened before I knew it but looking back, I didn’t like doing the driving but he didn’t want to drive and it kinda made sense because at his place we were alone and I worked and he didn’t, but I wonder what would have happened if I would have just said,”No, I do not want to drive down there.” I didn’t want to take the chance that he wouldn’t do it so I didn’t challenge him but maybe he would have not driven and maybe we wouldn’t have gotten together for the long haul which certainly would not have been a bad thing.
You know, sometimes we think we really want something because we think it is a good thing and what we need so we make it happen at all cost and if we would have just stood back and let things unfold as they should it never would have been a problem.