Tag Archives: dancing with the devil

Learning The Lessons of Life

My last post was about friends and family missing the “old you”.
This post is about taking a negative experience, learning from it, growing, and becoming a better person because of it.
I have always searched for the lesson in everything I go through because nothing is a waste if you learn something from it, if you can grow as a person. I also feel we all have at least one purpose for being here. The one thing that bothered me the most after I left my ex was, thinking I had wasted 10 years of my life; I couldn’t live with that. If I could figure out what happened to me, share what I learned and saved one woman from going through the same thing; it would all be worth it.
Friends who insist you need to go back to your old self are being selfish and holding you back from becoming the best you can be.
Of course you have changed, it’s ridiculous to expect you to go back to your old self and if your friends don’t realize this; you need better friends.
I was determined to find the lesson in the experience because they say you will keep repeating the same mistakes until you learn the lesson. God knows I didn’t want to go through that again! But lots of women do, over and over again; and they are so busy blaming the narcissist and being the victim, they never stop long enough to learn the lesson; figure out what THEY are doing to bring this into their life.
The friends who want the old you back are probably the same friends who are encouraging you to “just find a nice guy”, like you purposely picked an abusive guy. The friends who think you just need to “get over it” and “move on” are lazy. They want to have fun, they don’t want to deal with your emotions and your pain.
Not all friends are good for us or want what is best for us. If you got involved with a narcissist, you more than likely are a “people pleaser” and once you start to heal grow and change, you are going to realize you are surrounded by narcissistic people. Being narcissistic does not mean a person is a narcissist, it just means they can’t relate, can’t understand, or don’t want to make the effort to understand, at this time. Some people are naturally more empathetic than others. It takes all kinds to make up this world.
We do a dance with everyone in our life. We develop a way of interacting with people. They know how to manipulate us to get what they want and we them. They may not even realize they do it, they may think they have your best interests at heart; but, the worst decisions I have ever made in my life were made because someone pressured me into it. I have never regretted a decision my gut agreed with.

Think about it; you usually know exactly how someone will respond in a certain situation, how an argument will go. You had a dance you did with the narcissist. After years of him breaking up with me and then coming back, I got used to the dance and accepted it was “just the way we were” and we would keep doing this dance forever more. But he changed the dance and found someone new and left us standing alone on the dance floor. We felt helpless, didn’t know the next step, we have to learn a new dance.
People don’t like change, period.
They want to know, if I do this, they will do that. When you change the steps, don’t respond the way they expect, they have to learn a new dance. Some people always want to be the leader and refuse to follow. Men can relate to a dancing with a woman who refuses to follow his lead on the dance floor. Someone’s toes inevitably get stepped on.
You are changing the dance, some people aren’t going to follow. You can just follow their lead and keep doing the same dance or you can change the dance and if they don’t follow; you walk away and leave them standing alone on the dance floor.
Embrace the lesson, grow from it, become all you are destined to be, as you grow and change; old friends will fall away and you will meet new friends. There will be a handful, or maybe just one friend who is willing to learn a new dance with you.
Victims of a narcissist view everything in a negative light, the death of a relationship, death of friendships, life will never be good again, they are losing everything. That’s what the narcissist wants you to think.
The narcissist doesn’t ever grow from an experience because they don’t care about personal growth, they are shallow, empty, and that is why they are able to immediately “fall in love” with someone new.
No matter what anyone tells you; it is NOT normal to be able to just move on from a love relationship.

Embrace this opportunity to grow and learn from life, to step out of your comfort zone and be a better you. Your true friends will learn the steps to your new dance.

When You Realize You Are Dealing With Pure Evil

I remember the first time I looked at him and saw the pure evil. It made my blood run cold and froze me in my place. I knew at that moment I was dealing with pure evil, some thing I had never believed existed. I think most everyone believes that everyone has a “good side” and that everyone can change or be healed. That something happened to make this person act the way they do and if you can love them enough, understand them, figure out why they do what they do; they can be fixed.

People try to make sense of it all because the actions of someone who is pure evil doesn’t make sense to a normal person. But when you finally see the narcissist without his mask you know, you are looking at the devil and you have to fight for your life to stay away.

Everything in you wants to believe it isn’t true and people you tell don’t want to believe you which makes it even harder. It becomes a battle against your own desire to believe in the goodness of your fellow man and what you now know in your gut to be true; you have been sleeping with the devil.

The Devil Left Me Standing On the Dance Floor

I was responding to some comments today and some people said they like the phrase I use “Dancing with the devil” I know other people use the phrase but I didn’t steal it, I actually came up with it all on my own.  Image

I came up with the line when JC’s sister was telling me that during counselling she was taught that all relationships, not just romantic relationships but those with family and friends also; are like dancing.

My first husband loved to dance, dirty dancing long before the movie ever came out; and we did a lot of it, even after his motorcycle accident when he was in a wheelchair we jived. If we weren’t getting along and went dancing by the end of the night we were in love again. We were in tune with each other and I always fell in love with him all over again when we danced,

JC didn’t dance at least not with me, he did occasionally with another woman if we were out but probably he didn’t dance with me because I loved it so much, plus he was afraid of looking silly.

I grew up in a home with a lot of dancing. My folks took me to dances with them when I was as young as 12-13.  My dad was tall, 6’4″ and I was always tall, when they played an old time waltz he and I would be sweeping across the floor arms extended, our long legs striding in matching steps. I knew exactly when he was going to twirl me, and if we weren’t careful we would take out fellow dancers by hitting them in the head with our extended arms. My dad was very strict in the home and right or wrong we all knew the rules and what would happen if we stepped out of line.

never accept a danceWhen we meet people the dance starts, especially with your significant other; we learn the steps to “our dance”. Once you have danced with your significant other enough times you get to know exactly what his next dance step will be and even if you aren’t that good at dancing you get in tune with each other and do the steps without even thinking; you have danced the dance so many times. If you have ever been out and watched an older couple dance you will know what I am talking about; he isn’t “leading” her, she knows what steps he is going to take before he does them, they move effortlessly. Some times they even look bored.

It’s the same with the dynamics of a relationship when you are with a person for any length of time. He says this, you say that, he does this, you do that. You can have fights and not say anything because you know exactly how it is going to end. I know I could predict when JC wouldn’t be home at night, he would promise something and I would try to believe him but deep down I would know how things were going to turn out. I was never wrong. And I am sure he knew exactly how I was going to respond and what I was going to do at any given time. There is a certain amount of comfort with knowing what your partner is going to do next even in abusive relationships. Couples go years doing the same dance………over and over, nothing changes.  All it takes for change to occur is for one of the two people to stop dancing or change the steps to the dance. All of a sudden the other person can’t follow, they don’t know what to do next and they are stepping on each others feet.

 Same as with the dynamics of a relationship, if one of the people changes how he/she responds to the other one all of a sudden the other person doesn’t know how to react, what move to make next and they stumble.

The narcissist teaches you “the dance”, at first you don’t let him lead, you defend yourself and speak out when you know he is lying or wrong about something. But the pull you close so he can push you away becomes the dance, you break up so many times it becomes a way of life, it is “just the way you are”. You continue to do the dance because it is what you know, you can follow his lead you know if he walks out in a few days he will be back acting like nothing ever happened. You might play angry for a while and he plays contrite and humble, you forgive, he loves you for a day or two and then you go back to the way things were. The honeymoon gets shorter, the abuse longer but the dance is still the same. And THEN

the narcissist doesn’t just change the steps to the dance he totally stops doing the dance mid step.

JC asked me to dance and a week later after doing the same dance for you left me10 years; he left me out on the dance floor, alone, with no one to lead.  Just when I thought I was getting the hang of the dance he didn’t even wait for the song to end, he just walked away and left me standing there wondering what the hell happened.

The devil part came from the times he looked at me with such loathing and hatred in his eyes and evil in his heart that his looks transformed and I swore he was possessed by the devil himself.

That my friends is how I came up with “Dancing With The Devil”

LOL story time is over everyone back to work!

Hugs

Carrie