Tag Archives: Dating Advice

You May Not Remember Me

…………. You May Not Remember Me

He laughed, “I remember you, Carrie right?”

✓ He remembered me

Me, “I hope it’s not too late to call.”

Him with a chuckle, “ummm no, it’s not too late, (I looked at the clock, it was 10 pm) I was just playing my guitar. How did your date go, it didn’t last very long?”

“He was a pompous ass lawyer.”

Him laughing, “Pompous ass lawyer eh?! That’s funny. I like you.”

✓ He liked me and I liked that

We talked for a couple of hours. I said, “So you play the guitar?” (My dad had played the guitar and I had taken lessons when I was a teenager) He explained he played lead guitar but had a headset he could wear so as not to disturb the neighbors.

✓ Considerate

I couldn’t believe how much we had in common, he had just found his birth mom, I had given a child up for adoption when I was 16.

He lived on the coast, I love the ocean, water of any kind really. I was buying a cabin on a lake and he told me he was buying a house on the ocean.

He was recovering from a bad motorcycle accident, (my first husband had almost died in a motorcycle accident). He was attending school and living temporarily about an hour from me, to retrain in a new profession because of his accident.

He asked me if he could buy me dinner sometime and I said I thought we had quite an age difference. He laughed and asked how old I thought he was, I guessed him to be in his late 20’s maybe 30, and I was 41.

He told me he was 34 and he had dated women much older than me. I was hesitant but he said he preferred a women a bit older because they weren’t into games, knew what they wanted, and maybe they could teach him something.

We laughed.

✓ He “got” my sense of humor

On a hunch I asked him when his birthday was. He told me the date and said, “I’m a libra.”

Me: “I knew it! I can’t date you, sorry.”

Him: “You don’t like Libra’s?”

Me: “No actually, I like them too much. I always end up falling in love with them and it’s never a good thing.

Him: “What horoscope sign do you like? I can be any sign you want?”

✓ Charming – a Libra trait.

I agreed to go out with him the next night after work.

I liked him, I really liked him.

Conversation had been easy, we laughed alot! We had alot in common, he was polite, like a boy who was raised in a good family to be respectful and polite,and I could tell he was into me.

He had told me he was raised by older, very religious adoptive parents on a farm in Saskatchewan. I have a lot of relatives in Saskatchewan and know people from Sask are different, in a good way. They tend to be neighborly, honest, and hard working.
He had found his birth mother only a few months earlier and flown to Vancouver to meet her, a full blood sister and two 1/2 siblings. He had been so nervous the whole plane had cheered him on and wished him well when they landed. He had bought champagne and flowers. The meeting had been better than anything he had imagined and they had such a connection he had stayed for 2 weeks. When he flew home he immediately quit his job, packed up his stuff and drove back to BC so he could get to know his birth family.

He said his family and friends in Saskatchewan had been worried he would be lead astray in the big city but he was loving the city, the ocean, his family. He was so thankful and blessed.

His birth mom and him were close immediately and talked daily.
He sounded very sweet, again I thought maybe he was too young for me, too niave.

I didn’t want a love sick puppy hanging around, I hate love sick puppies.

But he lived far enough away to not be a nuisance yet close enough to see on weekends.

Besides, I was a grown adult, he was extremely good looking, and if I wanted casual sex, I could have casual sex. Everyone kept telling me I didn’t have to marry every guy I had sex with!

Advertisements

Self Worth – You Are Not Who Loves You

You are not who loves you.

Think about that.

Let it sink in.

You, Are. Not. Who. Loves. You.

self worth

I answer questions on Quora, many of them are about narcissists but many of the questions people ask me are basic relationship questions and most of them are coming from young people. When I say young people, I am meaning anyone under 30. (30 is young when you are almost 60). When I was that age I asked the same questions, I remember spending hours with a girlfriend dissecting what a guy meant when he did this or that. What he meant when he said this or that. Trying to figure out if he liked me or not.

We also spent a lot of time crying about what an asshole a guy was and how he had hurt us only to be ecstatic an hour later when he called to ask us out.

Sound familiar?

Know-your-self-worth-ladies

I don’t know what guys do, do they sit around worrying what a girl meant when she said something? I just don’t think they do it as much as women do. I have heard men talking to their buddy who has a broken heart and it usually involved drinking and getting laid. Which is going to end up with a girl sitting with her girl friends trying to figure out if he likes her or not.

What women end up doing is basing their relationships on the advice given by women who are the same age, with the same experience, and the same knowledge as them, guessing  about what a guy is feeling.

Can you see why this is dangerous and absolute insanity?

When a girl asks me what I think a guy meant when he did something my reply is,

“Who cares why he did it. How did you feel when he did it?”

Whether a guy is a narcissist or not, it is dangerous to try to figure out why he did what he did; or said what he said. The only sure way of knowing if he is the guy for you is how do you feel about it, him, the situation?

Part of the big attraction to the narcissist is that in the beginning there is no question of what he meant by this or that because the narcissist is so into you and is telling you all the time how perfect you are and that he loves you and he is showing up and you don’t have to guess if he is dating anyone else because he is always with you, always wants to see you. You don’t have to guess if he likes you, which makes him awfully appealing. He thinks you are a valuable person and that feels good! Everyone wants to be loved and accepted and of course it is going to make anyone feel good, whether it is a boy or a friend, we all want to be liked.

But if you are NOT liked, it does not devalue you or mean you are “less than”. it simply means that for whatever reason that person does not like you. Maybe they are flawed and unable to care for someone but we never consider that; We always take it to mean there is something wrong with us.

If I was to start dating again or if I had a daughter who was just starting to date I would tell her to stop guessing, stop analyzing and start listening to her gut. Take what the guy says and does at face value, stop adding value to it, stop projecting, stop guessing and just accept it at that moment. He took you for dinner and you had a good time, he said he had a good time, assume he meant it. Then see if he calls, if he does, accept the date if you want, if you want but if you don’t want, don’t! It is not going to kill you to stay home on a Saturday night, it does not mean you are not valuable as a woman if you don’t have a date, it means you are picky and don’t want to waste your time spending it with someone you don’t really like.

So many times women will say, he did something that bothered me but I let it slide because we had just started dating. I am not saying you need to dump a guy the first time he says something a little hurtful, or the first time he cancels a date or is late and when you first start dating someone they might be dating other women. That is normal, BUT if it is a recurring problem and he has committed to you and continues to date then you have to stop competing for his attention and wonder if he is the guy for you.

I know that a large part of why I fell in love with James is because he loved me so much. It is hard to walk away from someone who loves you that much. It was nice to never wonder if he was going to call or not, it bothered me that he called so often! but I thought I was being too picky, here I had this guy who was nuts for me, I should just be thankful. NO, I should have listened to my gut that was telling me he was calling too much and I needed more time. When I told him I was staying home for the night and he called and begged me to come to his place or he told me his friend was only in town for one day and he really wanted me to meet this friend I should have listened to my gut that said, “No you want to stay home tonight.”  I am not saying you never compromise but if every time you have plans without him and he finds a way of getting you to change your plans (even if it is a compliment that he wants to spend time with you) there is an imbalance of power happening, you are being controlled in a subtle way. It is hard to see control when it is presented in such a way that it is a compliment. If he said, ” I forbid you to do your own thing tonight, you must spend your time with me” it would be easy to see he is controlling you and it would be easy to justify not seeing him any more. But you know that if you went to your girl friends and said, “I wanted to stay home but he asked me out, what should I do?” They are going to tell you to go on the date, don’t be a stick in the mud, the guy likes you for God’s sake! Don’t refuse him, he might not ask again!

Women are especially bad for assessing each other’s worth by the men in their lives. I don’t think men do that to women as much as women do it to themselves. A woman sees a man with another woman and he hits on them they see themselves as having more value than the other woman. They are complemented and feel special and superior to the other woman.

Men on the other hand, usually (because nothing is ever always) stay clear of another man’s woman. If a man hits on a woman in a bar and her boyfriend walks up, the guy will usually say, “Oh sorry man, I didn’t know she had a boyfriend.” I have always had an unwritten rule about not dating any woman’s man and certainly never date a girl friend’s man, even ex boyfriends are off-limits. But a lot of women will walk right over the other woman to get the man, friendship? loyalty? right out the window if it means you get a man out of the deal. THAT does not give you value, it makes you a bitch with low self-esteem in my mind, AND it tells you a whole lot about the kind of man HE is. If he can do it to her, he will do it to you; he is not a loyal trust worthy person.

Another question I get is, “Should I be angry he did this or that?”

Here is a real life example of what I mean:

I have never had a problem with a guy going to see strippers, I figure he comes home to me, he is in  a bar with a bunch of guys, the stripper is not having sex with all those guys so I figure it is probably one of the safest places for him to be actually. But I have a friend who is extremely bothered if her man goes to see strippers, like I mean beside herself, it causes her real anxiety.
Whether I think she is right or wrong is irrelevant, whether he thinks she is right or wrong, is irrelevant, what IS relevant is she has great anxiety over him going to see strippers.  Now this should be a non issue in my mind. If he loves her and doesn’t want to cause her great anxiety, he will give up going to see strippers. BUT if not going to see strippers causes him anxiety then he needs to find someone who doesn’t care if he goes to see strippers.  In my mind she should win over the strippers or he just does not care that much.

What happened was he said he would stop going to strippers and lied and did it anyway. She found out and they fought, this went on for years, she would get upset, he would say he would stop he would lie sneak to see the strippers and she would be suspicious every time he didn’t answer the phone or went out without her, he would get angry because she was always suspicious, she would get more suspicious because he would get more secretive. They were always fighting, about her snooping, about him lying, she was always unhappy.

This happened before I met James and my advice to her was, “If he cares so little for your feelings that he can’t give up the strippers for you, he doesn’t love you. It doesn’t matter if he thinks your feelings are right or wrong, it is what you feel. Either he can live with that or you have to learn to accept that he goes to see strippers but YOU have to make a decision. He has made his decision, he has chosen the strippers over what you need from him. So now you have to choose to live with it or walk away.”

I was pretty smart back then, but up until then I had never been with a man who didn’t respect my boundaries. If I would have followed my own advice when I met James I would have walked away in the first year.

What it all boils down to…………………assessing our value by what a man thinks of us and not by who we are.

This video has an excellent message everyone should listen to. I wish it was played everyday in school because if there is one lesson everyone needs to learn it is to value yourself always. If we all valued ourselves the narcissists in the world would have no one to feed off.

self worth 2

It says to live true to yourself. So what does that mean for a person like a narcissist, then he will continue to be an uncaring asshole! Yep, you are right, the assholes would still be assholes but they wouldn’t be able to do the damage they do because we wouldn’t be trying to gain their approval, they would have to be assholes all alone because we would value ourselves too much to get sucked into their game. See, we wouldn’t care they were assholes, we wouldn’t try to change them, we would just accept they are assholes and move along. We wouldn’t analyze what they meant by that or guess if they like us, because we would have moved along because we value ourselves and our time. We would not be wasting our precious time and efforts on someone who does not value us the way we should be valued. Assholes would be a non issue.

Buy the motivation card from this post here

 

Dating Tips

 

dating game

I have subscribed to a new “Dating Advice” YouTube advice (what do you call it, it’s not a column, it’s not a blog) whatever; the guy’s name is Matthew Hussey and he gives some really sound and logical advice on dating, getting the guy (or girl) and the bonus is, he’s cute as hell and makes me smile. (he’s young enough to be my son but I am not blind)

I actually started watching his videos because I thought he was another one of those, “How to Manipulate Women” type dating advice guys; and I wanted to learn the tactics they use (knowledge is power) I was pleasantly surprised. He has very realistic, honest advice to give and so far I find myself agreeing with him 100%.

Now, I am not suggesting you all start dating, I don’t advocate anyone dating too soon after being with a narcissist because I think the victim has a lot of healing to do and could be looking for someone to “fix” them and make them feel better after being destroyed by a narcissist which is a lousy reason to start dating. My rationale for thinking it is a lousy idea to date too soon is this:

1. You are looking to the new guy for value, which puts a lot of pressure on this relationship; it is going to make whether he likes you or not much more important than it should be and if by chance he doesn’t really like you it is one more rejection to make you feel unworthy of love and unattractive.

2. You are going to try too hard to be attractive to him and not be yourself; you will be turning your focus from the N and transferring it to the new guy. For one thing the obsession with what the Narc is doing is unhealthy, if you transfer it to the new relationship you automatically turn the new relationship into an unhealthy one but now it is YOU who IS  unhealthy and you turn the lies the narc has been accusing you of into reality.

3. You will want the guy to like you so badly that you will get yourself hooked up with any guy just to have a guy and then wonder why you are always angry or upset because the guy is not what you want. It isn’t the guy’s fault, he is just being who he is but you tried to change into the kind of girl he wanted instead of being yourself. You can’t keep up that persona and eventually will go back to being yourself and viola; now you have problems and you are working on a relationship that never should have started in the first place.

4. Before you start dating someone new (and this goes with any relationship, not just with a narc) you have to find your single self again. By this I mean; in any dating relationship you progress into a compromise of two blended lives, you establish a way of interacting, you reach a level of intimacy that can only be attained with time. If you start dating too soon there is a very real tendency to jump straight into a serious relationship and miss the very important early steps of getting to know someone.

5. There is a risk of transferring the problems you had in the previous relationship into the new relationship; you are hyper vigilant, suspicious, on edge for any changes in his moods, “what did he mean by that” and there is a likelihood you will read stuff into his actions that isn’t there OR ignore red flags because you are afraid you are being paranoid. Much better to heal first and go in a whole, healthy person with clear boundaries and healthy sense of self.

6. You could end up hurting someone else and actually doing to him/her what the narc did to you. You want someone to want you so badly you hook up with the first guy that shows you attention, thinking he will heal you but he is not someone you can ever really love and once you feel better about yourself you realize the guy is not the kind of guy you want and you try to change him. Because he is not the kind of guy you would ever love he can never live up to your expectations but because he loves you (or the person you projected to be) he keeps trying to make you happy. Whereas with a narcissist it is intentional does it make it any better that you didn’t do it maliciously; you still end up hurting someone.

7. After leaving a relationship with a narcissist you are a prime target for the next narcissist to that comes along; and you will be a narc magnet immediately after being with a narcissist; you might as well wear a sign that says, “Narcissists Apply Here.”  You are craving attention and forget that the narc thought you were the best thing since sliced bread when you started dating him and only remember the final discard stage and how he loathed you. So a new narcissist comes along and thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to him, you are perfect, where have you been all his life, you are the most beautiful, most exciting, most intelligent, the sexiest woman and he can’t believe his good fortune to meet you. Six months down the road you are being discarded again and you are devastated even worse than before because you never healed from the first narc.

8. You have compromised all your standards, bent over backwards to please the narc, you have no self-respect or deal breakers so you don’t set boundaries with the new guy and continue to feel used and unappreciated and not even know why for sure because you didn’t take the time to find out what you need to be happy. You end up waiting for a guy to make you happy because you aren’t picky about who you date and just hope they are what you need instead of finding a guy who has the same interests and values as you.

9. You could ruin a perfect relationship or miss the perfect guy because you are so hurt and have built a wall around your heart that no one could break through, you never really let your guard down so it is impossible for a relationship to grow.

10. You owe it to yourself and any future men in your life to heal, figure out what is important to you, set boundaries that are important to you (everyone has their own deal breaker boundaries, it is a very personal thing) and learn to love yourself so that if a guy doesn’t appreciate the person you are you have the self-confidence to move along and chalk it up to experience. A woman who is sure of herself, is not looking for a man to fix her, who stands firm to her ideals and has her own life is MUCH more attractive to a healthy man. So consequently you attract healthy men not men who are looking to control and abuse a woman. When a man knows he had better treat this woman right or she will walk, he can’t help but treat her with respect; if he values her, and if he doesn’t value her you don’t want him.

dating-advice-funny-pictures

The link to Matthew’s site is here, even if you don’t have the desire to start dating yet, it doesn’t hurt to prepare yourself for the eventuality that you will want a man in your life again. Why not be proactive and learn how to date in a healthy way long before you even need the skills.

Once again I want reiterate; I am NOT promoting dating. I thought it was disgusting that our local woman’s shelter had links to dating sites in their section on resources for women who have been abused. I AM suggesting you develop a healthy attitude about dating before you venture out there again.

Gained knowledge + personal awareness + honest communications = happy life and healthy relationships

Love Is An Open Door – You Don’t Have to Give Up On Love

So many victims worry that they will never find love again, never be able to trust again or find a love as intense as the love they had with the narcissist.

I want to dispel your worries and here are the reasons why I still believe in love and romance.

true love doesn't hurt

One of the reasons the love with the narcissist was so intense was the uncertainty. Yes it was a whirlwind romance and he swept you off your feet and was everything and more than you ever dreamed in a partner but it didn’t take long for the mask to start slipping. Most victims had some pretty early indications something was not quite right but they were little slips that the N quickly covered up with sweetness and lies but it was the start of the uncertainty, it triggered that little part inside you that feared losing what you had found. These little events put just a touch of self-doubt in your mind and were the start of much worse things to come.

There is no way a couple knows for sure that they have a love that will last within the first few months. You may feel very attracted to the person, you may really enjoy their company, you may feel spend all day daydreaming about them and counting down the hours until you see them again but it can not be true, everlasting love. Not that quickly!

Any couple that met and married in a couple of months and lasted were lucky, that is not the norm. Love takes time to grow.

I will let you in on a little secret, when there is conflict early in the relationship, I mean big fights where you break up or say horrible things, one person is accusing the other of infidelity, or one is snooping on the other’s phone and computer for evidence, or one is caught in lies, or disrespects the other person; walk away because they never work. I have seen couples that seem to really care for each other yet they are forever breaking up and getting back together, it never works out. I can see that a couple might break up once and realize they made a mistake but if you find yourself constantly break up only to get back together a day or two later to hang in there is only prolonging the inevitable. You WILL break up for good, better now than 10 years down the road. You are investing precious time and possibly money into something that will never be what you hoped it was.

Narcissists are not afraid of commitment, they will marry you, but that is not because they aren’t afraid to commit it is because they have no problem lying. They will marry you if that is what it takes to get your money or whatever they want from you. A normal person won’t go into a huge commitment like marriage unless they really mean it but a narcissist doesn’t feel guilt so they can quite easily promise “til death do we part” and two hours later screw the maid of honor in the bathroom.

So far it doesn’t sound like I am promoting relationships, I sound pretty negative; and I AM negative about narcissists!

What is the answer? Where is the love? How do you meet someone?

The fact that true is hard to find is not a good reason to jump into commitment with the first guy willing to commit.

“Because he loves me so much” is NOT a good reason to love someone.

Remember a narcissist will tell you anything he has to in order to hook you, he will be your dream guy, custom-made for you; BUT he is not real and cannot possibly keep the facade up forever.

Just as you cannot change and be something you are not. Women have to change how they approach dating. Instead of worrying about being what the man wants, taking on his interests (trying new things is great, a person should always stay open to new experiences as long as you keep your own interests) dressing the way he wants, wearing your hair the way he wants, having the friends he wants you to have, is not how you build a lasting relationship, because you can’t keep it up either. Eventually you will resent having to be something you are not. If he is finding things he wants to change in you and you have only been dating a few months it is a sure sign that you will never be able to please him and the demands will never stop.

I have seen women do this my whole life; they meet a guy and change into the woman he wants, they don’t mind him drinking with his buddies, they go fishing with him even though they hate the smell of fish, they cook for him every weekend but really wish he would take her out or she goes over and cleans his house, secretly resenting that now she is cleaning two house but she thinks once we are a couple I won’t have to clean two houses because we will be living together. Or they think once we are married he will stay home with me at night and not go to the bar with his buddies. Then they get married and are pissed when he still wants to go to the bar with his buddies every night, she stops going fishing and bitches because he still wants to go. It does not mean that either one of them is a narcissist, it means she thought “he has potential, I can mold him into the man I want”. The minute you find yourself thinking a guy has potential and you are the woman to save him from himself you should be heading out the door. It does not mean he is a bad person it means he is not the man for you. No one is at fault. Not every man you find attractive is going to be the man you should marry. It seems to me women, more than men; tend to start dating a guy and if he seems the least bit interested she sets out to “make it work”, you are not flawed if you are not every man’s dream woman.

I will be honest, I remember dating guys who I was not that into and then I had sex with them and all of a sudden my feelings for them were much more intense. It is human nature, it is the way women are made. If you want to keep your head on straight, put off sleeping with the guy until you really are sure he is someone you could love. And once you do have sex with a man remember to take off the rose-coloured glasses and look at him with realistic and honest eyes. I know women who fall in love with every guy they date and they married the first one that loves them back and doesn’t dump them.

If you are always getting your heart-broken it is time to look at what you are doing wrong.

Anyway, so what about real lasting love? How do I find real love?

true love

I have been watching people I know who have a healthy approach to relationships to see what the common denominator is and there are a few things that stand out. Meet Sue, a fictitious single woman in her 50’s who wants to find love, she is self-sufficient, leads a nice life, has good friends, a dog, a career she enjoys she is not desperate, but she really wants a man in her life, she wants to grow old with someone.

1. She wants to meet a man that she will  spend the rest of her life with he had to meet certain criteria. She has a list of things she wants and definite deal breakers (it doesn’t have to be a real list, in can just be in her head but writing out a list makes you think about, so many women don’t really know what they want and go at it randomly. I think also when we think about what we want and focus on it we bring it into being,  we send those thoughts out into the universe, focus on what you want not what you don’t want) she joins a dating site and she contacts men and responds to them if they contacted her. She tells her friends she is looking to meet someone and if one of her friends has a single man they think she should meet she doesn’t hesitate to go on a date.

2. The first meeting, if the guy doesn’t put an effort into impressing her, ie: wears sweats, doesn’t have money (she is not into supporting a man) doesn’t have any of her interests, etc (You have your own list of traits you want or don’t want. If there is anything that turns you off but you think “I can change that or I can grow to accept that” don’t see him again). First date is supposed to be when a person is on their best behavior, they are trying to impress you; think about it, if he is wearing sweats on the first date imagine what he will wear once he is comfortable with you. Now….. maybe you like sweats, good for you, it’s all about personal taste right?

3. If they hit it off on the first date she will date him several times even if there isn’t an immediate spark because she knows sometimes a person grows on you, a lot of guys get more attractive the more you get to know them and it takes all sorts of situations to get to know someone.

4. She keeps doing her own thing, even if she really likes a guy she still goes for dinner with her girl friends, she doesn’t wait for him to call and ask her out on the weekend, she makes her plans and if he calls too late because she is already busy she will tell him sorry I am busy, but I am free the next day or whatever. If he is really interested he will call earlier next time.

5. She does not even kiss on the first date and waits until like the 3 or 4th date. So you know sex is not happening until probably the 10th or more dates. I know I have made the mistake of sleeping with a guy too early in the relationship and I won’t make that mistake if I date again. I think it is the number 1 mistake women make.

6. Even if she really likes a guy, they have tons in common and get along wonderfully, she doesn’t say the L word. She will say she really enjoys his company, she enjoys missing him and looks forward to seeing him again. She maintains her female friendships and enjoys talking about him with her friends, she introduces him to her friends and it is important to her that her friends like him (but she would not date someone she knows her friends wouldn’t like and she would not date a man who didn’t like her friends. It’s a huge red flag is when the guy doesn’t like your friends. Your friends are a reflection of you so if he doesn’t like them, he doesn’t like some part of you)

7. She keeps her head about her. She can date a guy for months and everything has been wonderful, she is feeling a lot for the guy, they have a lot in common, they have been on a trip together and everything and then one day he snaps at her and gets angry over something stupid. She is hurt but lets it slide, maybe he is just having a bad day. But then a few weeks later he snaps at her again and swears at her, she mentions that he hurt her feelings and he tells her she is too sensitive. A few weeks later he is disrespectful to a waiter when they are out for supper and she feels embarrassed by the way he spoke to the waiter like he was a second class citizen. On the way home he gets lost and blames her for missing the turn off, they are quiet the rest of the drive home, he starts to come in with her and she tells him she doesn’t want him to come in tonight she wants to be alone. He shrugs and says he will call her later and gives her a kiss on the cheek.

8. She thinks about it for a few days and doesn’t call him until she has thought about it and knows exactly what she is feeling, she calls a few friends to see what they think of his actions but she knows what her gut told her, it has changed how she feels about him, she feels herself starting to walk on egg shells for fear of him getting angry, he hurt her feelings and didn’t own it or apologize. Whether he thinks she is too sensitive or not, that is her, she doesn’t like to be yelled at, or sworn at. She would never yell at him or swear at him, she doesn’t ever treat people with disrespect. She has seen a side to him that she really  doesn’t like and it is still early in the relationship, but he is letting his true colours show. She calls him and says she wants to talk.

9. She goes over to his place and tells him how she feels, that she thinks he was disrespectful of her and the waiter and he says she is too sensitive and he is sorry she was offended by what he did. Note he did not own it, he still blamed her, he did not say, “I am sorry I hurt your feelings, I never should have snapped at you like that, it wasn’t your fault. Thanks for telling me I will never do it again. Forgive me?” If he had said that she would have forgiven him but not forgotten and if he continued to be disrespectful she would have dumped him. Because an apology is only an apology if the person never does it again. If a person says I am sorry and then turns around and does it again it means nothing.

10. Seeing as he didn’t own it she says she has to stop seeing him. He says you are making a big mistake, we had something special, you’ll be sorry. She says maybe so and leaves. He calls like nothing happened after a couple of days wants to see her and she says no. She has cried, she misses him, but she knows she can not allow any man to disrespect her and she would not be happy always walking on egg shells trying not to upset him. She knows she is a sensitive person and she can’t handle someone who loses their temper. There are women out there with tougher skin and would let it run off them like water off a duck but she knows herself and she knows eventually it would destroy the relationship so she might as well end it now and find someone who won’t hurt her feelings.

11. The next guy she meets is a sweetheart and they have a ton of stuff in common, it has only been a couple of months but her friends like him, she is exciting about seeing him and misses him when they are apart, she can’t imagine him ever saying anything to hurt her feelings and can see a future with him but she is enjoying the dating and the romance. She is in no hurry because she doesn’t need a man to feel good about herself, she doesn’t want to change a man and she won’t try to change for a man. Time will tell.

I saw this video today, this couple were an overnight sensation on You Tube when they did the song from Grease, You’re the One That I Love, and used sign language while driving in the car. I saw it months ago and fell in love with them, I guess a few million other people fell in love with them also. I listened to a video they did about themselves and there is quite an age difference between them and I have no idea what things are like behind closed doors but one thing stood out for me. They have been dating for 5 years, they have many common interests, and they are equally thrilled to be getting married in a couple of months and even after 5 years he is still interested in learning sign language because that is what she does. No guarantees it will last but you can’t watch them and not see the love.

Here is one of their videos, I thought it was so cute and I don’t know about you but I would love to meet a guy who looked at me that way 5 years down the road.

We are told that true love is accepting a person faults and all, true love endures, true love does not hold grudges, true love overcomes all barriers and that is true…….. as long as both people are following the same rules. Because love is not disrespectful, blaming, expecting someone to forgive you time and time again and never being accountable for your actions. Both people have to be accountable and coming from a place of love for it to work, lasting love is never one-sided.

These 8 Dating Rules Will Protect You From a Narcissist/Psychopath

So you have been to hell and back, taken the time to heal, done a lot of self-reflection and feel you are ready to start dating again but you are afraid your “picker” is faulty or that you are a narcissist magnet. How can you guarantee you don’t end up in another toxic relationship?

Before you even think about dating again, I have a few questions for you;

– How long has it been since your relationship with the narcissist ended?

– Did he discard you or did you leave the relationship?

– Why do you want to start dating again?

Why are these questions important?

Victims need to take sufficient time to heal before they even think about dating again. A relationship with a narcissist is nothing like any relationship you have had previously, you are not going to heal as quickly and healing requires a lot of self-reflection and inner healing. With a normal breakup the two parties usually remain friendly to some degree and the other person is not slandering you. Even in relationships where there was infidelity or financial ruin, both people are willing to take some responsibility for the failure of the relationship. But with a narcissist, the victim is devalued long before the relationship ends, the narcissist loathes the victim, and is intent of assassinating the victim’s good character. Not only is the victim blamed for the failed relationship, according to the narcissist the victim has NO redeeming features and is nothing more than garbage.

The victim is quite literally left a shell of the person they used to be. The same techniques used to break the spirit in a prisoner of war, cult member or even in some cases delinquent teens in some boot camps; have been used on the victim leaving them a “clean slate” to rebuild themselves from. It is important for the victim to take the time to put themselves back together. (another post).

How many of you have had someone try to console you by saying, “Some day you will find someone who will love you just the way you are.” or “The best way to get over an ex is to get under someone new.” That may work in normal breakups but it is deadly when trying to recover from a narcissist. To rely on someone else to make you feel good about yourself, valued and loved is akin to wearing a T-shirt with “Narc Target” printed on it.

mask dating

So…….. you have done the necessary work to heal and feel ready to date; whether you are actively looking for love on internet dating sites or just taking the “if it happens it happens” approach; you need to set your boundaries. Setting boundaries long before you start dating is going to make the dating process much less confusing. If you do not know your “deal breakers”, sit down and write out the things that you will not tolerate from a romantic partner and refer to them often. If a person doesn’t have set boundaries when they are confronted with a situation they feel uncomfortable about it is too easy to compromise their values, by setting boundaries and not allowing anyone to cross those boundaries you are giving yourself guidelines so you know when you are being disrespected and have the conviction to defend your boundaries. You must decide what your boundaries are, they vary from person to person. You will have “deal breaker” boundaries where you don’t even try to work through the problem, if these things appear you simply walk, no discussion. There is one deal breaker that everyone should adhere to and that is;

– Never ever under any circumstances get involved with a married person. If they are cheating on their present partner they WILL cheat on you, you are not special, their ex is not psycho and he is not going to change because of your special love. If you are already involved when you find out he (or she) is married, walk……….not only are they married, they lied to you.

Now for the 8 Dating Rules For Protecting Yourself from a Narcissist:

1. No sex too soon, there is no rush; once a woman has sex with a man her brain releases certain pheromones that make her more trusting and fall in love easier.

2. No living together before a year. Enjoy dating! enjoy missing each other. Don’t be desperate, if he dumps you because you wanted to wait a year before living together then he has issues about being alone and is looking for narcissistic supply not a relationship. And if you feel you need to be with him all the time you have issues you need to work through and more than likely you are relying on him/her to make you feel good about yourself or you are gauging your value by that person.

3. Don’t give up your friends, continue to have your girl friend time, if he can’t handle it there is something wrong. On the same note, you can not get upset if he has guy time. We all need time with our friends.

4. If your friends and family don’t like him, trust their opinion, you don’t have to immediately dump him but certainly slow it down and try to look at him with realistic eyes.

5. If you find yourself walking on eggshells, watching what you say so as not to upset him, no need to go any farther.

6. If your gut is telling you that something isn’t right, believe your gut and start paying attention to when your gut reacts.

7. If you catch yourself thinking, “all he needs is a good woman, he has so much potential.” proceed with extreme caution

8. Google his name and if you meet him on a dating site Google his username. It may not reveal anything and it is not a guarantee they are being straightforward with you but it could show some very valuable information; good or bad. it could confirm what he is telling you or you may find out he is into XXX porn sites, Gay sites, or a dozen dating sites looking for casual hookups.  In BC you can go to Court Services Online and find out if a person has had any judgements against him/her just by putting their name in, no file number needed. In some cases you may be charged $6 to see the final outcome of the case. Some people feel it is being paranoid or sneaky to check someone out on-line, but with today’s technology you are crazy not to. Like I said, just because nothing shows up does not mean he is all he says he is, BUT you may just find proof he is not what he says he is.

Also,

Remember, you are both on your “best behavior”, this is the best they are going to be; never ever think you will change them. if you find yourself thinking, “he/she would be perfect if only…….’ and you can’t live with them the way they are then walk.  All people put their best foot forward in the beginning and once you  have been together a while you  both start to relax and show more of your true self.

If you have dated someone a year and none of these things have reared their head I would be willing to wager that the person is not a narcissist. There has been the odd victim who has come in and said that their ex was wonderful for years and then out of the blue turned into a monster but usually when pressed they admit there were signs long before the final discard that they ignored.

Good luck and if you do one thing right, make it be to take it slow. Love, true love takes times to grow and will not disappear if you are not glued at the hip 24/7.

Oh So Ya Wanna Hear?

Well, last Saturday was a pretty shitty day all in all. I was going to do the flea market. (I found these really cool clothing display racks behind the mall in Langley, I would put a picture if my camera worked on my new phone, but that’s another issue and I’m already juggling 2 and not even done the first paragraph! Any way that’s where I met Tyler, a homeless guy that I disrupted when I went to look at these racks. Nice young fellow, been on the streets since he was about 13, he’s 21 now. But I’ll give him his own post later.)

Where was I? Oh right, the clothing display racks that fold up so neat, perfect for someone who sells clothes at the flea market. So I was loading them and other stuff for the flea market Saturday and I got a call from a guy who saw my ad selling my other truck, the 91 GMC. He knows the truck from seeing me at Amix, he has cash and he wants to buy it. So I spend my last $20 on fuel to get down to Surrey and he doesn’t show up. I didn’t have enough fuel to get home, hadn’t had a smoke since 9 in the morning cuz I was out and broke.

I made it to the flea market and every one is starting to pack up so I pulled right in beside an old friend who I just ran into last week after 6 years. Oh! Yeah! I wanted to talk to him because last weekend when I ran into him he had said there was an empty RV spot where he lives and I think I can get a fixer upper trailer for free. Another side issue I’ll discuss at another time.

Annyyyywaaaay, this guy walks up and asks if I am setting up to sell and I said no, I want to talk to my friend and see if he wants to buy one of these racks off me. He said how long are you going to be and I said I didn’t know; was there a problem?

He said if I was setting up to sell I had to pay $10, I said I wasn’t selling, every one is packing up.

My friend didn’t want the racks and neither did anyone else but a woman walked past and liked a big picture frame I had on the truck so I sold it to her for $10 and took the dogs for a long walk. When I got back there was a pizza box stuck on my windshield with a note written on it from that guy, saying I owed him $10 because I sold something. Oh for the love of God!  now my friend was upset because the guy came down on him about me selling something. Sheeeesh now I probably won’t get the RV site. Oh well.

I put the $10 into fuel for my truck and headed to Mission, I was going down the road where all the 2nd hand stores are and one was open, Belle’s, she’s been around forever and has a little bit of everything in her store. It is much too crowded for the clothing racks but I had a few old window frames, and an old typewriter she bought for $20.  I told the kids Momma’s got money!!!

I think they thought I said let’s go for a walk because they got up and were wagging their tails looking at me expectantly. I told them first Momma has to buy smokes. I pulled into a little plaza at the end of town, there’s a corner store and a liquor store there. I was going to back into my parking stall but there was a nice looking grey car with two men in it who had just left the liquor store leaving so I motioned for them to go ahead and I’d wait. I went in and bought myself 1 Mike’s Hard Lemonade and a pack of smokes and then took the puppies for a good long walk to the other end of town and back. Kato was dragging his butt at the end so I left him behind and got the truck. My phone was ringing but I was too busy getting Kato in the truck to answer and forgot to even check for a message. Then I got a text message that said……
Mysteryman- Just saw you at liquor store. You married? Attached?
Me – I’m single. I don’t remember seeing anyone at the liquor store.
MM – silver car, you were backing in, then I saw you walking. Anyway I liked what I saw! 🙂
Me – oh ok thank you walking:)
MM – Buy you a drink?
Me – That would be nice.
MM – xxxxxx Pub 9? Or somewhere else…..
Me – oh! You meant tonight! I have plans tonight.
MM – My name is xxxxxx and I never contacted anyone like this before. Very spur of the moment. Your number was on your door.

MM – Another time then?
Me – Hi xxxxxx lol sure you’ve never done this before that’s what they all say! Just kidding. I’ve never done been asked out like this before either. Another time would be great. Do you live locally?

MM – I do and usually quite shy Haha what’s your name Lady Witha Truck?
Me – Oh I thought you would have gotten that off the truck too. It’s Carrie.
MM – wasn’t looking much at the truck.
MM – what are you doing tonight? I know you got beer. So do I!
Me – I bought Mike’s and I’m going to a girlfriends to get silly.
MM – you already sound silly. Text me on your way home. We can have a drink under the stars. PS come home early!
Me – lol I don’t take orders well. Besides early is subjective.
MM – lol !! I like that. Try me anyway.
Two hours later.
MM – offer for beer under the stars still stands. Unless it rains. 🙂

I was at my g/f’s until almost 4 am. So of course I didn’t text him; doubt I would have even if I would have been early. I certainly wasn’t going to ditch my g/f for a drink with a stranger. (I wouldn’t ditch a g/f for any guy, that’s rude)

I was very complimented though. I haven’t heard from him since. The thing for him to have done was ask me out a day or two ahead. So I guess that’s that.

But it put a smile on my face and I think I must look ok in my skinny jeans. LOL. Maybe I still got it?

How Do I Move On After The Narcissist?

I said to my ex once, “I bet you really wonder about yourself”

Him: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well all your ex’s are psycho bitches.”

Him: “Yeah so, what’s your point?”

Me: “I was just thinking that either you pick psycho bitches or you turn women into psycho bitches, either way you have a real problem.”

So many people end up at my site because they enter search terms such as “My ex N is so happy with his new g/f”, “does an N change for the new woman?”, or “Why can’t I get over my ex N?”, “why does my ex keep hurting me?”

First of all let’s talk about the new girlfriend. She is no better, no worse and no different than any of the other women he has ever been with (including you). We (me included) all like to think we had something special with him, even if we know he is a narcissist and he treated us like crap we like to believe we were some how more special than the others, that he will miss us, how much we loved him and at some point he will realize how much we gave up for him and love us for it.

It hurts like hell to see him looking so happy with another woman, saying that this time he has found the perfect woman and he is a changed man because of her perfect love. You can’t help but have doubts and there’s a little voice inside saying, “It was you that drove him to treat you the way he did; there’s the proof, look at how happy he is and how well he treats her; it must have been you driving him to be abusive”.

Give me a serious break!!! I am 54 years old and didn’t just fall off the pumpkin wagon (or whatever that saying is, turnip truck?) that’s exactly what he wants you and everyone else to think.

Let’s review some facts;

If it was your fault, a healthy man would have left the relationship a long time ago; not kept begging you to take him back promising he’ll change, he wouldn’t stay with you and try to destroy you; he would just leave, period.

Think back to when you started dating him; he treated you like a princess, YOU were special and YOUR special love was so much better than any of his psycho ex’s. He could talk to YOU, he wanted to spend all his time with you, he was your soul mate; remember? You couldn’t believe your good fortune, you told your friends that you had finally met the man of your dreams; he was everything and more than you ever wanted in a love partner.

This is history repeating itself, they just haven’t gotten to the devaluing and discard stage yet that’s all. If he had treated you in the beginning like he treated you in the end we wouldn’t even be having this conversation because you would have dumped his ass after the 2nd date and he wouldn’t be a narcissist he’d be a run of the mill asshole.

Of course he is treating her well; how else can he hook her into believing he’s worth sticking around for?

Of course he is giving her all the things you wanted. This just proves he knew all along what would make you happy and he chose to not give it to you because he is mean like that and now he is rubbing your nose in it. Why? Because he is a nasty, mean, vindictive bottom feeder that gets his kicks from hurting women; that’s why.

Remember how he usually treated you badly behind closed doors, and how when you were out you were so damned happy he was treating you decently you looked happy just like she does. He’s probably told her how you never appreciated how well he treated you and she is going to go out of her way to show how much she appreciates him when he treats her well because she isn’t going to make the same mistake. Think back, what would happen after that great night? He’d usually do something mean or pick a fight and treat you worse than ever for a few days to make up for the good treatment out in public. I know with JC I grew to dread the times he loved with me because it meant there were going to be some really bad times just around the corner. SO IS SHE!!! But he sure isn’t going to let you see that. There is no way he is going to let his true colours show and prove that you are right, he IS an asshole.
He has an image to uphold.

I will bet you dollars to donuts that prior to dumping you he was building his case for leaving you and getting every ounce of sympathy he could by telling everyone who would listen how horribly you treated him, how tough it was for him, how you were impossible to please, and he was doing all the work in the relationship. He was also getting everyone on his side so that if you went to them and told them what really went on they would already know that you were a lying psycho bitch that can’t be trusted. He HAS to appear happy with this new woman in order to prove his point.

He is hoping to drive you over the edge and you will do something in anger and then he can point at you and say, “See? I told you, she’s a psycho bitch!!”

He wants you to be miserable without him, his ego needs it, and if he can keep you crying over him then he knows he is still pushing your buttons and pulling your strings. He is getting a reaction and that is narcissistic supply for him.

It’s about control, he may not want you any more but he is like a 3 year old child who doesn’t want a certain toy any more until some other child picks it up and starts playing with it. Once you have dated him you are his possession whether he wants you or not; no one else is allowed to play with you. If he can keep you crying over him, wondering what he is doing, and obsessing over him then there isn’t much chance you are going to get hooked up with some other guy.

He will keep doing things to hurt you until he stops getting a payoff from it. As long as he can make you angry, cry or react in some way he will keep doing it or until he gets bored or finds another victim for secondary supply. One woman is never enough for a narcissist for long; he has to have a second supply or more; either women he is casually pursuing or ex’s he keeps on the hook, or personal ads on the internet that he might not even meet but he leads on until they get sick of not meeting and move along.

A narcissist is NEVER what he appears to be, his whole life is a game of strategy, he does not love, he does not even hate, everyone is a pawn in his game, every one is disposable, and everything he does is part of his game to win. Win what? Narcissistic supply, admiration, adoration, love, money, things, respect, jealousy, prestige whatever he values and that includes your possessions, friends, family, your home, heart and soul and if he can’t have them or he has taken all you have, he will destroy you for running out or not giving him more. When he leaves he wants to make sure you have nothing left or he will come back to get it later. For him every move he makes is part of his strategy. Like a game of chess, he is always planning his next move, and trying to anticipate everyone else’s moves ahead of time. That’s why he used to lie about things he didn’t have to lie about because life is a lie, a game, and everyone who knows him is a player in the fantasy life he envisions for himself. He envisions all women adoring him and pining away for him, just waiting for him to grace them with his presence. He’s a rock star in his own mind and we are all his groupies.

Everyone is a potential enemy, his life is so orchestrated and built on lies and deceit it is balanced very precariously. A narcissist hates being alone, that doesn’t mean once he has the woman dependent enough on him he won’t leave her home all alone; he needs to know there is a woman at home waiting for him, worrying that he is with some other woman. He feeds off of the woman’s insecurities, insecurities HE instilled in her through subtle or blatant manipulation and innuendo. He lives in constant fear of it all crumbling and all it takes is for one person to blow his cover and who knows him better than you? He has to keep you doubting yourself, weak and unstable so you are easily discredited. His best defense right now is that you are so devastated by him leaving you that you would say anything to tarnish his good reputation and ruin his new relationship, or make him lose his job and destroy his life.

You just want to wipe that smug look off her face for her don’t you?

Of course she is smug right now; he keeps telling her that she is perfect for him. He loves her just the way she is and how he thought he was in love before but now he knows what REAL love is. He is telling her that she isn’t like you or his other ex’s, she doesn’t cause conflict and pick fights with him. He’s probably told her that you think it won’t last between them and she’s going to show you!

All she has seen so far is this wonderfully even tempered guy that never gets angry, treats her like a queen and can’t get enough of her and all she’s heard is that you falsely accused him of cheating, you were demanding, constantly badgered him for more money, bled him dry in fact, you were like a bottomless pit that he couldn’t fill and now you are trying to ruin his life. He has probably even told her that he is afraid she is going to believe your lies about him and leave him and then you will have destroyed his life.

He has told her that he was unhappy for a long time but you kept begging him to stay but finally he just could not take the constant fighting and even though he hated to hurt you; he’s such a sensitive guy (she has even seen him cry about it) he had to leave. He’s probably even reminisced about all the wonderful things he did for you that you never appreciated. She is thinking she is so much better than you and she got what you abused and lost and she isn’t going to let this great guy slip through HER fingers.

You can bet money that he is telling her all those nasty things he did to you; you actually did to him and she is feeling very protective of him; what kinda of bitch would hurt this wonderful soft hearted man. She is probably thinking “If I ever get the chance to meet this psycho bitch I am going to tell her exactly what I think of the way she treated my sweetie.”

Plus, women are nasty and competitive creatures anyway, in general they love to know they are better than other women and the majority of them will walk right over a woman in her stilettos to get the man.

Some day soon she is going to have lights, bells and whistles going off in her head when all of a sudden he is doing to her what he said you did to him, or she’ll catch him cheating and he’ll deny it, or as in my ex and my case. When we were dating he told me it had been over a long time before he moved out, they hadn’t slept together for months. I thought well, what woman wouldn’t know it was over if the guy isn’t coming to bed, she must have been brain dead. THEN, after awhile he started coming to bed later and later, it was really upsetting to me, he kept telling me I was over reacting, that he loved me, eventually he stopped coming to bed but he still kept telling me he loved me and made excuses for not coming to bed. I figured it was over but he kept denying it and saying it was my nagging that made him not want to come to bed, or that he was working on my truck and I wasn’t appreciative of his efforts. Then I remembered our conversation from years ago and knew why she didn’t know it was over.

At some point in the not to distant future the puzzle pieces aren’t going to fit, there will be pieces missing, and or maybe even some pieces for a totally different puzzle will appear and her ride on the emotional roller coaster will begin.

Let’s for the sake of argument figure out what he would have to do to truly change; do you think it is possible for a man who has abused women his whole life to just stop? Without counseling, without admitting he has a problem, without blaming someone else? Just because he met a new woman? Sorry it just does not happen.

So maybe for the sake of argument he stops hitting women.

Now he has to give up controlling the woman, he has to be faithful for the first time in his life. Ok let’s give him that one for the fun of it.

It is a lot harder to give up being a pathological liar. Is it possible?

Then there is the total disregard for the feelings of others. Can a person grow a conscience at 40 yrs old. This isn’t the yellow brick road and unless his new woman is Dorothy I am pretty sure there is no where you can get a conscience from a wizard.

His addiction to porn, personal ads, and kinky sex; now that stuff you can usually curb for a while and then it is pretty easy to hide if you are careful; but quit completely without a support group or therapy?? Not bloody likely.

And isn’t atonement for previous sins part of recovery for people with these sort of issues?

I am sorry, but I am just not convinced he can change; just like THAT, or at all.

b>Why Can’t I Get Over Him and Move On With My Life?

For one thing he gave you everything a person ever dreams of in a partner, total unconditional love (or so it seemed), but not only did he give you love he made you want to love him back, he started a slow and insidious mission to make you dependent on him; for everything. Being totally dependent on someone is unhealthy enough but he doesn’t do it so he can treat you well and care for you, provide for you and love you.

No; he makes you dependent on him so he can abuse you and you feel you must take it because you are helpless to leave. THAT is the utmost in evil and abusive. To strip a person of everything they hold dear, everything that holds a fond memory from the past, their friends and family, their security; like their job and home, their self esteem, and then when you are a shell of the person you used to be; discard you like yesterdays garbage.

THEN come back and do it again. Just like a hunter will put another bullet in the head of the game he shot to make sure the job is done so does the narcissist come back to give you one final blow just in case you had any strength left to get back up he has to make sure you know how much he loathes you.

Wow!! Can a person get more evil? How do you accept that a man you loved with all your heart is that cruel and cold hearted, how could you have been so wrong about him? How could you love someone that void of compassion and caring? It leaves you reeling, unable to cope with the reality, your mind not wanting accept what you are now fully comprehending. You have to relive the whole relationship, each hurt, every pain that you buried because it was just too much to bare at the time, it is a lot of painful work and you see him off happy with a new woman in total denial he ever did anything abusive. As if that isn’t bad enough, the people you thought would be supportive, society in general revictimizes you with they lack of empathy and understanding. More than likely he has left you penniless, jobless and in poor health mentally and physically. It is only natural that you would want him back, not the mean nasty guy; but the one you met, the one you see now with the new woman. If you had him back you wouldn’t have to face all the ugliness of your time with him, your mind and heart wouldn’t have to accept reality and you wouldn’t have to try to put your life (which he left in a shambles) back together.

PLUS it is a proven fact, research has been done on it and every web site and book ever written on “how to seduce a woman” will tell you that the fastest way to hook a woman is to keep her guessing, off balance, push her away and pull her back; that sort of thing. It’s natural to want what you can’t have, no one likes to be rejected and the narcissist has perfected rejection. He has pulled you in and then rejected you so many times you thought he would never really leave but he did this time and in the most cruel way possible. He will continue to hurt you as long as you leave any opening for him to do so that is why no contact is so important.

Even if you don’t want him back; you want him to tell you why he treated you so badly, what did you do so wrong to deserve to be rejected so cruelly? If he would just tell you that you are a good person maybe you could move on. You will never get it from him, if he does apologize and admit he was cruel he will do it in such a way you will end up hurt again. If he says he wants to be friends or help you he has an ulterior motive and you can bet it will involve you getting used and hurt again. Continued contact keeps you on the roller coaster ride of rejection.

I have never done heroin but from talking to people who have I have learned that they keep using in a futile attempt to experience a high like that first high. It is never as good as the first time but they keep trying; the Chinese call it “chasing the dragon”. When you stay in contact with a narcissist you are “chasing the dragon” and you will never get what you are looking for.

It is as if you have been possessed by some evil entity, all the joy has been taken from your world, like they left a black cloud behind and you will never see the light of day again. The cloud will dissipate the longer they are out of your life. They made themselves such a huge part of your life you are now left with an emptiness you are desperate to fill. With their lies, infidelity, control, erratic behavior, moodiness and love/hate treatment they made it so all you could think about was them. What did they mean by that, where are they, who are they with, are they lying, will they ruin your birthday, will they destroy something you cherish, will they be nice when they get home, will they come home, will they call when they said they will?

Every second of every day has been filled with thoughts of them and now they are gone and what fills that time? More thoughts of them and the new woman, what are they doing, is he treating her better than he treated you, is he missing you, etc. I don’t know how you stop thinking about them, because it’s been a year and ½ and I still find my mind drifting to thoughts of him and how do you stop that without thinking of him. It’s kind of a vicious cycle.

So what I have done is changed the scenario in my head, if I can’t stop thinking about him I CAN change what I choose to think about. Instead of envisioning him treating her so well and giving her everything I wanted I envision the way he used to treat me only it isn’t me in the picture any more, it is her being treated so badly, it is her sitting at home wondering if he’s going to show up, it’s her calling him and he isn’t answering the phone. More than likely that is closer to what is really happening than the scene playing in your head that she is so damn happy.

Besides, you must have heard about the power of thought; that what you think becomes reality? You certainly don’t want him to treat her well so stop thinking it!!! The more you envision her getting the horrible treatment you used to receive from him the less you will hate her and the happier you will be that you are out of the picture and she is in it. You have to stop making it about you, because it really has nothing to do with you or her for that matter; it’s all about him.

I know there is a feeling that you “wasted” all that time you were with him; time is never wasted as long as you learn something in the process and as long as you don’t waste any more time obsessing about it. like the saying goes, “Throwing good money after bad” well this is “Throwing good time after wasted time” you didn’t know better before but now you do, learn from it and stop wasting your precious life on that asshole.

You are strong, look at what you went through and you are still here. It is time to nurture yourself, take a course, read a self help book, volunteer at a dog shelter or a soup kitchen, seniors home, work on a crisis line, do something good to help others and you will feel better about yourself in the process; win/win instead of lose/lose.

I make sure I look my best every time I leave the house just in case I do run into him/them; I want to look like I am doing just fine without him. I do not seek him out or try to be where he might be but if I do see him I don’t say anything nasty but I don’t chit chat either, I will not give him the satisfaction of crying or being happy to see him. I will not prove to her his claims that I am an angry bitch by attacking him verbally or seeking revenge.

My time and my soul are much too valuable to waste any more of me on him. He is a sick individual who I can not cure and who was toxic in my life; I choose to surround myself with people who appreciate me for who I am and who are not out to destroy the goodness in me or my life.

Now repeat after me:

I am a good person who deserves to be happy.

He is a sick evil person who I can not help and is toxic in my life.

I will not waste any more of my precious time on him or let him poison my life any longer.

I choose to be happy and surround myself with positive people who enhance my life not seek to destroy it.

By not allowing evil into my life I am creating room for the goodness to enter.

And it will!!!

Remember, you are not alone, this was not your fault and it is never too late to improve your life.

I have faith in you!
Carrie

* IF anyone knows of a narcissist who has changed over the long term I would be very interested in hearing about it. Personally I have never heard of it happening.

Posted by Carrie the Lady Witha Truck