Tag Archives: Dating Advice

You May Not Remember Me

…………. You May Not Remember Me

He laughed, “I remember you, Carrie right?”

✓ He remembered me

Me, “I hope it’s not too late to call.”

Him with a chuckle, “ummm no, it’s not too late, (I looked at the clock, it was 10 pm) I was just playing my guitar. How did your date go, it didn’t last very long?”

“He was a pompous ass lawyer.”

Him laughing, “Pompous ass lawyer eh?! That’s funny. I like you.”

✓ He liked me and I liked that

We talked for a couple of hours. I said, “So you play the guitar?” (My dad had played the guitar and I had taken lessons when I was a teenager) He explained he played lead guitar but had a headset he could wear so as not to disturb the neighbors.

✓ Considerate

I couldn’t believe how much we had in common, he had just found his birth mom, I had given a child up for adoption when I was 16.

He lived on the coast, I love the ocean, water of any kind really. I was buying a cabin on a lake and he told me he was buying a house on the ocean.

He was recovering from a bad motorcycle accident, (my first husband had almost died in a motorcycle accident). He was attending school and living temporarily about an hour from me, to retrain in a new profession because of his accident.

He asked me if he could buy me dinner sometime and I said I thought we had quite an age difference. He laughed and asked how old I thought he was, I guessed him to be in his late 20’s maybe 30, and I was 41.

He told me he was 34 and he had dated women much older than me. I was hesitant but he said he preferred a women a bit older because they weren’t into games, knew what they wanted, and maybe they could teach him something.

We laughed.

✓ He “got” my sense of humor

On a hunch I asked him when his birthday was. He told me the date and said, “I’m a libra.”

Me: “I knew it! I can’t date you, sorry.”

Him: “You don’t like Libra’s?”

Me: “No actually, I like them too much. I always end up falling in love with them and it’s never a good thing.

Him: “What horoscope sign do you like? I can be any sign you want?”

✓ Charming – a Libra trait.

I agreed to go out with him the next night after work.

I liked him, I really liked him.

Conversation had been easy, we laughed alot! We had alot in common, he was polite, like a boy who was raised in a good family to be respectful and polite,and I could tell he was into me.

He had told me he was raised by older, very religious adoptive parents on a farm in Saskatchewan. I have a lot of relatives in Saskatchewan and know people from Sask are different, in a good way. They tend to be neighborly, honest, and hard working.
He had found his birth mother only a few months earlier and flown to Vancouver to meet her, a full blood sister and two 1/2 siblings. He had been so nervous the whole plane had cheered him on and wished him well when they landed. He had bought champagne and flowers. The meeting had been better than anything he had imagined and they had such a connection he had stayed for 2 weeks. When he flew home he immediately quit his job, packed up his stuff and drove back to BC so he could get to know his birth family.

He said his family and friends in Saskatchewan had been worried he would be lead astray in the big city but he was loving the city, the ocean, his family. He was so thankful and blessed.

His birth mom and him were close immediately and talked daily.
He sounded very sweet, again I thought maybe he was too young for me, too niave.

I didn’t want a love sick puppy hanging around, I hate love sick puppies.

But he lived far enough away to not be a nuisance yet close enough to see on weekends.

Besides, I was a grown adult, he was extremely good looking, and if I wanted casual sex, I could have casual sex. Everyone kept telling me I didn’t have to marry every guy I had sex with!

Self Worth – You Are Not Who Loves You

You are not who loves you.

Think about that.

Let it sink in.

You, Are. Not. Who. Loves. You.

self worth

I answer questions on Quora, many of them are about narcissists but many of the questions people ask me are basic relationship questions and most of them are coming from young people. When I say young people, I am meaning anyone under 30. (30 is young when you are almost 60). When I was that age I asked the same questions, I remember spending hours with a girlfriend dissecting what a guy meant when he did this or that. What he meant when he said this or that. Trying to figure out if he liked me or not.

We also spent a lot of time crying about what an asshole a guy was and how he had hurt us only to be ecstatic an hour later when he called to ask us out.

Sound familiar?

Know-your-self-worth-ladies

I don’t know what guys do, do they sit around worrying what a girl meant when she said something? I just don’t think they do it as much as women do. I have heard men talking to their buddy who has a broken heart and it usually involved drinking and getting laid. Which is going to end up with a girl sitting with her girl friends trying to figure out if he likes her or not.

What women end up doing is basing their relationships on the advice given by women who are the same age, with the same experience, and the same knowledge as them, guessing  about what a guy is feeling.

Can you see why this is dangerous and absolute insanity?

When a girl asks me what I think a guy meant when he did something my reply is,

“Who cares why he did it. How did you feel when he did it?”

Whether a guy is a narcissist or not, it is dangerous to try to figure out why he did what he did; or said what he said. The only sure way of knowing if he is the guy for you is how do you feel about it, him, the situation?

Part of the big attraction to the narcissist is that in the beginning there is no question of what he meant by this or that because the narcissist is so into you and is telling you all the time how perfect you are and that he loves you and he is showing up and you don’t have to guess if he is dating anyone else because he is always with you, always wants to see you. You don’t have to guess if he likes you, which makes him awfully appealing. He thinks you are a valuable person and that feels good! Everyone wants to be loved and accepted and of course it is going to make anyone feel good, whether it is a boy or a friend, we all want to be liked.

But if you are NOT liked, it does not devalue you or mean you are “less than”. it simply means that for whatever reason that person does not like you. Maybe they are flawed and unable to care for someone but we never consider that; We always take it to mean there is something wrong with us.

If I was to start dating again or if I had a daughter who was just starting to date I would tell her to stop guessing, stop analyzing and start listening to her gut. Take what the guy says and does at face value, stop adding value to it, stop projecting, stop guessing and just accept it at that moment. He took you for dinner and you had a good time, he said he had a good time, assume he meant it. Then see if he calls, if he does, accept the date if you want, if you want but if you don’t want, don’t! It is not going to kill you to stay home on a Saturday night, it does not mean you are not valuable as a woman if you don’t have a date, it means you are picky and don’t want to waste your time spending it with someone you don’t really like.

So many times women will say, he did something that bothered me but I let it slide because we had just started dating. I am not saying you need to dump a guy the first time he says something a little hurtful, or the first time he cancels a date or is late and when you first start dating someone they might be dating other women. That is normal, BUT if it is a recurring problem and he has committed to you and continues to date then you have to stop competing for his attention and wonder if he is the guy for you.

I know that a large part of why I fell in love with James is because he loved me so much. It is hard to walk away from someone who loves you that much. It was nice to never wonder if he was going to call or not, it bothered me that he called so often! but I thought I was being too picky, here I had this guy who was nuts for me, I should just be thankful. NO, I should have listened to my gut that was telling me he was calling too much and I needed more time. When I told him I was staying home for the night and he called and begged me to come to his place or he told me his friend was only in town for one day and he really wanted me to meet this friend I should have listened to my gut that said, “No you want to stay home tonight.”  I am not saying you never compromise but if every time you have plans without him and he finds a way of getting you to change your plans (even if it is a compliment that he wants to spend time with you) there is an imbalance of power happening, you are being controlled in a subtle way. It is hard to see control when it is presented in such a way that it is a compliment. If he said, ” I forbid you to do your own thing tonight, you must spend your time with me” it would be easy to see he is controlling you and it would be easy to justify not seeing him any more. But you know that if you went to your girl friends and said, “I wanted to stay home but he asked me out, what should I do?” They are going to tell you to go on the date, don’t be a stick in the mud, the guy likes you for God’s sake! Don’t refuse him, he might not ask again!

Women are especially bad for assessing each other’s worth by the men in their lives. I don’t think men do that to women as much as women do it to themselves. A woman sees a man with another woman and he hits on them they see themselves as having more value than the other woman. They are complemented and feel special and superior to the other woman.

Men on the other hand, usually (because nothing is ever always) stay clear of another man’s woman. If a man hits on a woman in a bar and her boyfriend walks up, the guy will usually say, “Oh sorry man, I didn’t know she had a boyfriend.” I have always had an unwritten rule about not dating any woman’s man and certainly never date a girl friend’s man, even ex boyfriends are off-limits. But a lot of women will walk right over the other woman to get the man, friendship? loyalty? right out the window if it means you get a man out of the deal. THAT does not give you value, it makes you a bitch with low self-esteem in my mind, AND it tells you a whole lot about the kind of man HE is. If he can do it to her, he will do it to you; he is not a loyal trust worthy person.

Another question I get is, “Should I be angry he did this or that?”

Here is a real life example of what I mean:

I have never had a problem with a guy going to see strippers, I figure he comes home to me, he is in  a bar with a bunch of guys, the stripper is not having sex with all those guys so I figure it is probably one of the safest places for him to be actually. But I have a friend who is extremely bothered if her man goes to see strippers, like I mean beside herself, it causes her real anxiety.
Whether I think she is right or wrong is irrelevant, whether he thinks she is right or wrong, is irrelevant, what IS relevant is she has great anxiety over him going to see strippers.  Now this should be a non issue in my mind. If he loves her and doesn’t want to cause her great anxiety, he will give up going to see strippers. BUT if not going to see strippers causes him anxiety then he needs to find someone who doesn’t care if he goes to see strippers.  In my mind she should win over the strippers or he just does not care that much.

What happened was he said he would stop going to strippers and lied and did it anyway. She found out and they fought, this went on for years, she would get upset, he would say he would stop he would lie sneak to see the strippers and she would be suspicious every time he didn’t answer the phone or went out without her, he would get angry because she was always suspicious, she would get more suspicious because he would get more secretive. They were always fighting, about her snooping, about him lying, she was always unhappy.

This happened before I met James and my advice to her was, “If he cares so little for your feelings that he can’t give up the strippers for you, he doesn’t love you. It doesn’t matter if he thinks your feelings are right or wrong, it is what you feel. Either he can live with that or you have to learn to accept that he goes to see strippers but YOU have to make a decision. He has made his decision, he has chosen the strippers over what you need from him. So now you have to choose to live with it or walk away.”

I was pretty smart back then, but up until then I had never been with a man who didn’t respect my boundaries. If I would have followed my own advice when I met James I would have walked away in the first year.

What it all boils down to…………………assessing our value by what a man thinks of us and not by who we are.

This video has an excellent message everyone should listen to. I wish it was played everyday in school because if there is one lesson everyone needs to learn it is to value yourself always. If we all valued ourselves the narcissists in the world would have no one to feed off.

self worth 2

It says to live true to yourself. So what does that mean for a person like a narcissist, then he will continue to be an uncaring asshole! Yep, you are right, the assholes would still be assholes but they wouldn’t be able to do the damage they do because we wouldn’t be trying to gain their approval, they would have to be assholes all alone because we would value ourselves too much to get sucked into their game. See, we wouldn’t care they were assholes, we wouldn’t try to change them, we would just accept they are assholes and move along. We wouldn’t analyze what they meant by that or guess if they like us, because we would have moved along because we value ourselves and our time. We would not be wasting our precious time and efforts on someone who does not value us the way we should be valued. Assholes would be a non issue.

Buy the motivation card from this post here

 

Dating Tips

 

dating game

I have subscribed to a new “Dating Advice” YouTube advice (what do you call it, it’s not a column, it’s not a blog) whatever; the guy’s name is Matthew Hussey and he gives some really sound and logical advice on dating, getting the guy (or girl) and the bonus is, he’s cute as hell and makes me smile. (he’s young enough to be my son but I am not blind)

I actually started watching his videos because I thought he was another one of those, “How to Manipulate Women” type dating advice guys; and I wanted to learn the tactics they use (knowledge is power) I was pleasantly surprised. He has very realistic, honest advice to give and so far I find myself agreeing with him 100%.

Now, I am not suggesting you all start dating, I don’t advocate anyone dating too soon after being with a narcissist because I think the victim has a lot of healing to do and could be looking for someone to “fix” them and make them feel better after being destroyed by a narcissist which is a lousy reason to start dating. My rationale for thinking it is a lousy idea to date too soon is this:

1. You are looking to the new guy for value, which puts a lot of pressure on this relationship; it is going to make whether he likes you or not much more important than it should be and if by chance he doesn’t really like you it is one more rejection to make you feel unworthy of love and unattractive.

2. You are going to try too hard to be attractive to him and not be yourself; you will be turning your focus from the N and transferring it to the new guy. For one thing the obsession with what the Narc is doing is unhealthy, if you transfer it to the new relationship you automatically turn the new relationship into an unhealthy one but now it is YOU who IS  unhealthy and you turn the lies the narc has been accusing you of into reality.

3. You will want the guy to like you so badly that you will get yourself hooked up with any guy just to have a guy and then wonder why you are always angry or upset because the guy is not what you want. It isn’t the guy’s fault, he is just being who he is but you tried to change into the kind of girl he wanted instead of being yourself. You can’t keep up that persona and eventually will go back to being yourself and viola; now you have problems and you are working on a relationship that never should have started in the first place.

4. Before you start dating someone new (and this goes with any relationship, not just with a narc) you have to find your single self again. By this I mean; in any dating relationship you progress into a compromise of two blended lives, you establish a way of interacting, you reach a level of intimacy that can only be attained with time. If you start dating too soon there is a very real tendency to jump straight into a serious relationship and miss the very important early steps of getting to know someone.

5. There is a risk of transferring the problems you had in the previous relationship into the new relationship; you are hyper vigilant, suspicious, on edge for any changes in his moods, “what did he mean by that” and there is a likelihood you will read stuff into his actions that isn’t there OR ignore red flags because you are afraid you are being paranoid. Much better to heal first and go in a whole, healthy person with clear boundaries and healthy sense of self.

6. You could end up hurting someone else and actually doing to him/her what the narc did to you. You want someone to want you so badly you hook up with the first guy that shows you attention, thinking he will heal you but he is not someone you can ever really love and once you feel better about yourself you realize the guy is not the kind of guy you want and you try to change him. Because he is not the kind of guy you would ever love he can never live up to your expectations but because he loves you (or the person you projected to be) he keeps trying to make you happy. Whereas with a narcissist it is intentional does it make it any better that you didn’t do it maliciously; you still end up hurting someone.

7. After leaving a relationship with a narcissist you are a prime target for the next narcissist to that comes along; and you will be a narc magnet immediately after being with a narcissist; you might as well wear a sign that says, “Narcissists Apply Here.”  You are craving attention and forget that the narc thought you were the best thing since sliced bread when you started dating him and only remember the final discard stage and how he loathed you. So a new narcissist comes along and thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to him, you are perfect, where have you been all his life, you are the most beautiful, most exciting, most intelligent, the sexiest woman and he can’t believe his good fortune to meet you. Six months down the road you are being discarded again and you are devastated even worse than before because you never healed from the first narc.

8. You have compromised all your standards, bent over backwards to please the narc, you have no self-respect or deal breakers so you don’t set boundaries with the new guy and continue to feel used and unappreciated and not even know why for sure because you didn’t take the time to find out what you need to be happy. You end up waiting for a guy to make you happy because you aren’t picky about who you date and just hope they are what you need instead of finding a guy who has the same interests and values as you.

9. You could ruin a perfect relationship or miss the perfect guy because you are so hurt and have built a wall around your heart that no one could break through, you never really let your guard down so it is impossible for a relationship to grow.

10. You owe it to yourself and any future men in your life to heal, figure out what is important to you, set boundaries that are important to you (everyone has their own deal breaker boundaries, it is a very personal thing) and learn to love yourself so that if a guy doesn’t appreciate the person you are you have the self-confidence to move along and chalk it up to experience. A woman who is sure of herself, is not looking for a man to fix her, who stands firm to her ideals and has her own life is MUCH more attractive to a healthy man. So consequently you attract healthy men not men who are looking to control and abuse a woman. When a man knows he had better treat this woman right or she will walk, he can’t help but treat her with respect; if he values her, and if he doesn’t value her you don’t want him.

dating-advice-funny-pictures

The link to Matthew’s site is here, even if you don’t have the desire to start dating yet, it doesn’t hurt to prepare yourself for the eventuality that you will want a man in your life again. Why not be proactive and learn how to date in a healthy way long before you even need the skills.

Once again I want reiterate; I am NOT promoting dating. I thought it was disgusting that our local woman’s shelter had links to dating sites in their section on resources for women who have been abused. I AM suggesting you develop a healthy attitude about dating before you venture out there again.

Gained knowledge + personal awareness + honest communications = happy life and healthy relationships