You are not who loves you.
Think about that.
Let it sink in.
You, Are. Not. Who. Loves. You.
I answer questions on Quora, many of them are about narcissists but many of the questions people ask me are basic relationship questions and most of them are coming from young people. When I say young people, I am meaning anyone under 30. (30 is young when you are almost 60). When I was that age I asked the same questions, I remember spending hours with a girlfriend dissecting what a guy meant when he did this or that. What he meant when he said this or that. Trying to figure out if he liked me or not.
We also spent a lot of time crying about what an asshole a guy was and how he had hurt us only to be ecstatic an hour later when he called to ask us out.
I don’t know what guys do, do they sit around worrying what a girl meant when she said something? I just don’t think they do it as much as women do. I have heard men talking to their buddy who has a broken heart and it usually involved drinking and getting laid. Which is going to end up with a girl sitting with her girl friends trying to figure out if he likes her or not.
What women end up doing is basing their relationships on the advice given by women who are the same age, with the same experience, and the same knowledge as them, guessing about what a guy is feeling.
Can you see why this is dangerous and absolute insanity?
When a girl asks me what I think a guy meant when he did something my reply is,
“Who cares why he did it. How did you feel when he did it?”
Whether a guy is a narcissist or not, it is dangerous to try to figure out why he did what he did; or said what he said. The only sure way of knowing if he is the guy for you is how do you feel about it, him, the situation?
Part of the big attraction to the narcissist is that in the beginning there is no question of what he meant by this or that because the narcissist is so into you and is telling you all the time how perfect you are and that he loves you and he is showing up and you don’t have to guess if he is dating anyone else because he is always with you, always wants to see you. You don’t have to guess if he likes you, which makes him awfully appealing. He thinks you are a valuable person and that feels good! Everyone wants to be loved and accepted and of course it is going to make anyone feel good, whether it is a boy or a friend, we all want to be liked.
But if you are NOT liked, it does not devalue you or mean you are “less than”. it simply means that for whatever reason that person does not like you. Maybe they are flawed and unable to care for someone but we never consider that; We always take it to mean there is something wrong with us.
If I was to start dating again or if I had a daughter who was just starting to date I would tell her to stop guessing, stop analyzing and start listening to her gut. Take what the guy says and does at face value, stop adding value to it, stop projecting, stop guessing and just accept it at that moment. He took you for dinner and you had a good time, he said he had a good time, assume he meant it. Then see if he calls, if he does, accept the date if you want, if you want but if you don’t want, don’t! It is not going to kill you to stay home on a Saturday night, it does not mean you are not valuable as a woman if you don’t have a date, it means you are picky and don’t want to waste your time spending it with someone you don’t really like.
So many times women will say, he did something that bothered me but I let it slide because we had just started dating. I am not saying you need to dump a guy the first time he says something a little hurtful, or the first time he cancels a date or is late and when you first start dating someone they might be dating other women. That is normal, BUT if it is a recurring problem and he has committed to you and continues to date then you have to stop competing for his attention and wonder if he is the guy for you.
I know that a large part of why I fell in love with James is because he loved me so much. It is hard to walk away from someone who loves you that much. It was nice to never wonder if he was going to call or not, it bothered me that he called so often! but I thought I was being too picky, here I had this guy who was nuts for me, I should just be thankful. NO, I should have listened to my gut that was telling me he was calling too much and I needed more time. When I told him I was staying home for the night and he called and begged me to come to his place or he told me his friend was only in town for one day and he really wanted me to meet this friend I should have listened to my gut that said, “No you want to stay home tonight.” I am not saying you never compromise but if every time you have plans without him and he finds a way of getting you to change your plans (even if it is a compliment that he wants to spend time with you) there is an imbalance of power happening, you are being controlled in a subtle way. It is hard to see control when it is presented in such a way that it is a compliment. If he said, ” I forbid you to do your own thing tonight, you must spend your time with me” it would be easy to see he is controlling you and it would be easy to justify not seeing him any more. But you know that if you went to your girl friends and said, “I wanted to stay home but he asked me out, what should I do?” They are going to tell you to go on the date, don’t be a stick in the mud, the guy likes you for God’s sake! Don’t refuse him, he might not ask again!
Women are especially bad for assessing each other’s worth by the men in their lives. I don’t think men do that to women as much as women do it to themselves. A woman sees a man with another woman and he hits on them they see themselves as having more value than the other woman. They are complemented and feel special and superior to the other woman.
Men on the other hand, usually (because nothing is ever always) stay clear of another man’s woman. If a man hits on a woman in a bar and her boyfriend walks up, the guy will usually say, “Oh sorry man, I didn’t know she had a boyfriend.” I have always had an unwritten rule about not dating any woman’s man and certainly never date a girl friend’s man, even ex boyfriends are off-limits. But a lot of women will walk right over the other woman to get the man, friendship? loyalty? right out the window if it means you get a man out of the deal. THAT does not give you value, it makes you a bitch with low self-esteem in my mind, AND it tells you a whole lot about the kind of man HE is. If he can do it to her, he will do it to you; he is not a loyal trust worthy person.
Another question I get is, “Should I be angry he did this or that?”
Here is a real life example of what I mean:
I have never had a problem with a guy going to see strippers, I figure he comes home to me, he is in a bar with a bunch of guys, the stripper is not having sex with all those guys so I figure it is probably one of the safest places for him to be actually. But I have a friend who is extremely bothered if her man goes to see strippers, like I mean beside herself, it causes her real anxiety.
Whether I think she is right or wrong is irrelevant, whether he thinks she is right or wrong, is irrelevant, what IS relevant is she has great anxiety over him going to see strippers. Now this should be a non issue in my mind. If he loves her and doesn’t want to cause her great anxiety, he will give up going to see strippers. BUT if not going to see strippers causes him anxiety then he needs to find someone who doesn’t care if he goes to see strippers. In my mind she should win over the strippers or he just does not care that much.
What happened was he said he would stop going to strippers and lied and did it anyway. She found out and they fought, this went on for years, she would get upset, he would say he would stop he would lie sneak to see the strippers and she would be suspicious every time he didn’t answer the phone or went out without her, he would get angry because she was always suspicious, she would get more suspicious because he would get more secretive. They were always fighting, about her snooping, about him lying, she was always unhappy.
This happened before I met James and my advice to her was, “If he cares so little for your feelings that he can’t give up the strippers for you, he doesn’t love you. It doesn’t matter if he thinks your feelings are right or wrong, it is what you feel. Either he can live with that or you have to learn to accept that he goes to see strippers but YOU have to make a decision. He has made his decision, he has chosen the strippers over what you need from him. So now you have to choose to live with it or walk away.”
I was pretty smart back then, but up until then I had never been with a man who didn’t respect my boundaries. If I would have followed my own advice when I met James I would have walked away in the first year.
What it all boils down to…………………assessing our value by what a man thinks of us and not by who we are.
This video has an excellent message everyone should listen to. I wish it was played everyday in school because if there is one lesson everyone needs to learn it is to value yourself always. If we all valued ourselves the narcissists in the world would have no one to feed off.
It says to live true to yourself. So what does that mean for a person like a narcissist, then he will continue to be an uncaring asshole! Yep, you are right, the assholes would still be assholes but they wouldn’t be able to do the damage they do because we wouldn’t be trying to gain their approval, they would have to be assholes all alone because we would value ourselves too much to get sucked into their game. See, we wouldn’t care they were assholes, we wouldn’t try to change them, we would just accept they are assholes and move along. We wouldn’t analyze what they meant by that or guess if they like us, because we would have moved along because we value ourselves and our time. We would not be wasting our precious time and efforts on someone who does not value us the way we should be valued. Assholes would be a non issue.
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