Tag Archives: Dating Advice

Love Is An Open Door – You Don’t Have to Give Up On Love

So many victims worry that they will never find love again, never be able to trust again or find a love as intense as the love they had with the narcissist.

I want to dispel your worries and here are the reasons why I still believe in love and romance.

true love doesn't hurt

One of the reasons the love with the narcissist was so intense was the uncertainty. Yes it was a whirlwind romance and he swept you off your feet and was everything and more than you ever dreamed in a partner but it didn’t take long for the mask to start slipping. Most victims had some pretty early indications something was not quite right but they were little slips that the N quickly covered up with sweetness and lies but it was the start of the uncertainty, it triggered that little part inside you that feared losing what you had found. These little events put just a touch of self-doubt in your mind and were the start of much worse things to come.

There is no way a couple knows for sure that they have a love that will last within the first few months. You may feel very attracted to the person, you may really enjoy their company, you may feel spend all day daydreaming about them and counting down the hours until you see them again but it can not be true, everlasting love. Not that quickly!

Any couple that met and married in a couple of months and lasted were lucky, that is not the norm. Love takes time to grow.

I will let you in on a little secret, when there is conflict early in the relationship, I mean big fights where you break up or say horrible things, one person is accusing the other of infidelity, or one is snooping on the other’s phone and computer for evidence, or one is caught in lies, or disrespects the other person; walk away because they never work. I have seen couples that seem to really care for each other yet they are forever breaking up and getting back together, it never works out. I can see that a couple might break up once and realize they made a mistake but if you find yourself constantly break up only to get back together a day or two later to hang in there is only prolonging the inevitable. You WILL break up for good, better now than 10 years down the road. You are investing precious time and possibly money into something that will never be what you hoped it was.

Narcissists are not afraid of commitment, they will marry you, but that is not because they aren’t afraid to commit it is because they have no problem lying. They will marry you if that is what it takes to get your money or whatever they want from you. A normal person won’t go into a huge commitment like marriage unless they really mean it but a narcissist doesn’t feel guilt so they can quite easily promise “til death do we part” and two hours later screw the maid of honor in the bathroom.

So far it doesn’t sound like I am promoting relationships, I sound pretty negative; and I AM negative about narcissists!

What is the answer? Where is the love? How do you meet someone?

The fact that true is hard to find is not a good reason to jump into commitment with the first guy willing to commit.

“Because he loves me so much” is NOT a good reason to love someone.

Remember a narcissist will tell you anything he has to in order to hook you, he will be your dream guy, custom-made for you; BUT he is not real and cannot possibly keep the facade up forever.

Just as you cannot change and be something you are not. Women have to change how they approach dating. Instead of worrying about being what the man wants, taking on his interests (trying new things is great, a person should always stay open to new experiences as long as you keep your own interests) dressing the way he wants, wearing your hair the way he wants, having the friends he wants you to have, is not how you build a lasting relationship, because you can’t keep it up either. Eventually you will resent having to be something you are not. If he is finding things he wants to change in you and you have only been dating a few months it is a sure sign that you will never be able to please him and the demands will never stop.

I have seen women do this my whole life; they meet a guy and change into the woman he wants, they don’t mind him drinking with his buddies, they go fishing with him even though they hate the smell of fish, they cook for him every weekend but really wish he would take her out or she goes over and cleans his house, secretly resenting that now she is cleaning two house but she thinks once we are a couple I won’t have to clean two houses because we will be living together. Or they think once we are married he will stay home with me at night and not go to the bar with his buddies. Then they get married and are pissed when he still wants to go to the bar with his buddies every night, she stops going fishing and bitches because he still wants to go. It does not mean that either one of them is a narcissist, it means she thought “he has potential, I can mold him into the man I want”. The minute you find yourself thinking a guy has potential and you are the woman to save him from himself you should be heading out the door. It does not mean he is a bad person it means he is not the man for you. No one is at fault. Not every man you find attractive is going to be the man you should marry. It seems to me women, more than men; tend to start dating a guy and if he seems the least bit interested she sets out to “make it work”, you are not flawed if you are not every man’s dream woman.

I will be honest, I remember dating guys who I was not that into and then I had sex with them and all of a sudden my feelings for them were much more intense. It is human nature, it is the way women are made. If you want to keep your head on straight, put off sleeping with the guy until you really are sure he is someone you could love. And once you do have sex with a man remember to take off the rose-coloured glasses and look at him with realistic and honest eyes. I know women who fall in love with every guy they date and they married the first one that loves them back and doesn’t dump them.

If you are always getting your heart-broken it is time to look at what you are doing wrong.

Anyway, so what about real lasting love? How do I find real love?

true love

I have been watching people I know who have a healthy approach to relationships to see what the common denominator is and there are a few things that stand out. Meet Sue, a fictitious single woman in her 50’s who wants to find love, she is self-sufficient, leads a nice life, has good friends, a dog, a career she enjoys she is not desperate, but she really wants a man in her life, she wants to grow old with someone.

1. She wants to meet a man that she will  spend the rest of her life with he had to meet certain criteria. She has a list of things she wants and definite deal breakers (it doesn’t have to be a real list, in can just be in her head but writing out a list makes you think about, so many women don’t really know what they want and go at it randomly. I think also when we think about what we want and focus on it we bring it into being,  we send those thoughts out into the universe, focus on what you want not what you don’t want) she joins a dating site and she contacts men and responds to them if they contacted her. She tells her friends she is looking to meet someone and if one of her friends has a single man they think she should meet she doesn’t hesitate to go on a date.

2. The first meeting, if the guy doesn’t put an effort into impressing her, ie: wears sweats, doesn’t have money (she is not into supporting a man) doesn’t have any of her interests, etc (You have your own list of traits you want or don’t want. If there is anything that turns you off but you think “I can change that or I can grow to accept that” don’t see him again). First date is supposed to be when a person is on their best behavior, they are trying to impress you; think about it, if he is wearing sweats on the first date imagine what he will wear once he is comfortable with you. Now….. maybe you like sweats, good for you, it’s all about personal taste right?

3. If they hit it off on the first date she will date him several times even if there isn’t an immediate spark because she knows sometimes a person grows on you, a lot of guys get more attractive the more you get to know them and it takes all sorts of situations to get to know someone.

4. She keeps doing her own thing, even if she really likes a guy she still goes for dinner with her girl friends, she doesn’t wait for him to call and ask her out on the weekend, she makes her plans and if he calls too late because she is already busy she will tell him sorry I am busy, but I am free the next day or whatever. If he is really interested he will call earlier next time.

5. She does not even kiss on the first date and waits until like the 3 or 4th date. So you know sex is not happening until probably the 10th or more dates. I know I have made the mistake of sleeping with a guy too early in the relationship and I won’t make that mistake if I date again. I think it is the number 1 mistake women make.

6. Even if she really likes a guy, they have tons in common and get along wonderfully, she doesn’t say the L word. She will say she really enjoys his company, she enjoys missing him and looks forward to seeing him again. She maintains her female friendships and enjoys talking about him with her friends, she introduces him to her friends and it is important to her that her friends like him (but she would not date someone she knows her friends wouldn’t like and she would not date a man who didn’t like her friends. It’s a huge red flag is when the guy doesn’t like your friends. Your friends are a reflection of you so if he doesn’t like them, he doesn’t like some part of you)

7. She keeps her head about her. She can date a guy for months and everything has been wonderful, she is feeling a lot for the guy, they have a lot in common, they have been on a trip together and everything and then one day he snaps at her and gets angry over something stupid. She is hurt but lets it slide, maybe he is just having a bad day. But then a few weeks later he snaps at her again and swears at her, she mentions that he hurt her feelings and he tells her she is too sensitive. A few weeks later he is disrespectful to a waiter when they are out for supper and she feels embarrassed by the way he spoke to the waiter like he was a second class citizen. On the way home he gets lost and blames her for missing the turn off, they are quiet the rest of the drive home, he starts to come in with her and she tells him she doesn’t want him to come in tonight she wants to be alone. He shrugs and says he will call her later and gives her a kiss on the cheek.

8. She thinks about it for a few days and doesn’t call him until she has thought about it and knows exactly what she is feeling, she calls a few friends to see what they think of his actions but she knows what her gut told her, it has changed how she feels about him, she feels herself starting to walk on egg shells for fear of him getting angry, he hurt her feelings and didn’t own it or apologize. Whether he thinks she is too sensitive or not, that is her, she doesn’t like to be yelled at, or sworn at. She would never yell at him or swear at him, she doesn’t ever treat people with disrespect. She has seen a side to him that she really  doesn’t like and it is still early in the relationship, but he is letting his true colours show. She calls him and says she wants to talk.

9. She goes over to his place and tells him how she feels, that she thinks he was disrespectful of her and the waiter and he says she is too sensitive and he is sorry she was offended by what he did. Note he did not own it, he still blamed her, he did not say, “I am sorry I hurt your feelings, I never should have snapped at you like that, it wasn’t your fault. Thanks for telling me I will never do it again. Forgive me?” If he had said that she would have forgiven him but not forgotten and if he continued to be disrespectful she would have dumped him. Because an apology is only an apology if the person never does it again. If a person says I am sorry and then turns around and does it again it means nothing.

10. Seeing as he didn’t own it she says she has to stop seeing him. He says you are making a big mistake, we had something special, you’ll be sorry. She says maybe so and leaves. He calls like nothing happened after a couple of days wants to see her and she says no. She has cried, she misses him, but she knows she can not allow any man to disrespect her and she would not be happy always walking on egg shells trying not to upset him. She knows she is a sensitive person and she can’t handle someone who loses their temper. There are women out there with tougher skin and would let it run off them like water off a duck but she knows herself and she knows eventually it would destroy the relationship so she might as well end it now and find someone who won’t hurt her feelings.

11. The next guy she meets is a sweetheart and they have a ton of stuff in common, it has only been a couple of months but her friends like him, she is exciting about seeing him and misses him when they are apart, she can’t imagine him ever saying anything to hurt her feelings and can see a future with him but she is enjoying the dating and the romance. She is in no hurry because she doesn’t need a man to feel good about herself, she doesn’t want to change a man and she won’t try to change for a man. Time will tell.

I saw this video today, this couple were an overnight sensation on You Tube when they did the song from Grease, You’re the One That I Love, and used sign language while driving in the car. I saw it months ago and fell in love with them, I guess a few million other people fell in love with them also. I listened to a video they did about themselves and there is quite an age difference between them and I have no idea what things are like behind closed doors but one thing stood out for me. They have been dating for 5 years, they have many common interests, and they are equally thrilled to be getting married in a couple of months and even after 5 years he is still interested in learning sign language because that is what she does. No guarantees it will last but you can’t watch them and not see the love.

Here is one of their videos, I thought it was so cute and I don’t know about you but I would love to meet a guy who looked at me that way 5 years down the road.

We are told that true love is accepting a person faults and all, true love endures, true love does not hold grudges, true love overcomes all barriers and that is true…….. as long as both people are following the same rules. Because love is not disrespectful, blaming, expecting someone to forgive you time and time again and never being accountable for your actions. Both people have to be accountable and coming from a place of love for it to work, lasting love is never one-sided.

These 8 Dating Rules Will Protect You From a Narcissist/Psychopath

So you have been to hell and back, taken the time to heal, done a lot of self-reflection and feel you are ready to start dating again but you are afraid your “picker” is faulty or that you are a narcissist magnet. How can you guarantee you don’t end up in another toxic relationship?

Before you even think about dating again, I have a few questions for you;

– How long has it been since your relationship with the narcissist ended?

– Did he discard you or did you leave the relationship?

– Why do you want to start dating again?

Why are these questions important?

Victims need to take sufficient time to heal before they even think about dating again. A relationship with a narcissist is nothing like any relationship you have had previously, you are not going to heal as quickly and healing requires a lot of self-reflection and inner healing. With a normal breakup the two parties usually remain friendly to some degree and the other person is not slandering you. Even in relationships where there was infidelity or financial ruin, both people are willing to take some responsibility for the failure of the relationship. But with a narcissist, the victim is devalued long before the relationship ends, the narcissist loathes the victim, and is intent of assassinating the victim’s good character. Not only is the victim blamed for the failed relationship, according to the narcissist the victim has NO redeeming features and is nothing more than garbage.

The victim is quite literally left a shell of the person they used to be. The same techniques used to break the spirit in a prisoner of war, cult member or even in some cases delinquent teens in some boot camps; have been used on the victim leaving them a “clean slate” to rebuild themselves from. It is important for the victim to take the time to put themselves back together. (another post).

How many of you have had someone try to console you by saying, “Some day you will find someone who will love you just the way you are.” or “The best way to get over an ex is to get under someone new.” That may work in normal breakups but it is deadly when trying to recover from a narcissist. To rely on someone else to make you feel good about yourself, valued and loved is akin to wearing a T-shirt with “Narc Target” printed on it.

mask dating

So…….. you have done the necessary work to heal and feel ready to date; whether you are actively looking for love on internet dating sites or just taking the “if it happens it happens” approach; you need to set your boundaries. Setting boundaries long before you start dating is going to make the dating process much less confusing. If you do not know your “deal breakers”, sit down and write out the things that you will not tolerate from a romantic partner and refer to them often. If a person doesn’t have set boundaries when they are confronted with a situation they feel uncomfortable about it is too easy to compromise their values, by setting boundaries and not allowing anyone to cross those boundaries you are giving yourself guidelines so you know when you are being disrespected and have the conviction to defend your boundaries. You must decide what your boundaries are, they vary from person to person. You will have “deal breaker” boundaries where you don’t even try to work through the problem, if these things appear you simply walk, no discussion. There is one deal breaker that everyone should adhere to and that is;

– Never ever under any circumstances get involved with a married person. If they are cheating on their present partner they WILL cheat on you, you are not special, their ex is not psycho and he is not going to change because of your special love. If you are already involved when you find out he (or she) is married, walk……….not only are they married, they lied to you.

Now for the 8 Dating Rules For Protecting Yourself from a Narcissist:

1. No sex too soon, there is no rush; once a woman has sex with a man her brain releases certain pheromones that make her more trusting and fall in love easier.

2. No living together before a year. Enjoy dating! enjoy missing each other. Don’t be desperate, if he dumps you because you wanted to wait a year before living together then he has issues about being alone and is looking for narcissistic supply not a relationship. And if you feel you need to be with him all the time you have issues you need to work through and more than likely you are relying on him/her to make you feel good about yourself or you are gauging your value by that person.

3. Don’t give up your friends, continue to have your girl friend time, if he can’t handle it there is something wrong. On the same note, you can not get upset if he has guy time. We all need time with our friends.

4. If your friends and family don’t like him, trust their opinion, you don’t have to immediately dump him but certainly slow it down and try to look at him with realistic eyes.

5. If you find yourself walking on eggshells, watching what you say so as not to upset him, no need to go any farther.

6. If your gut is telling you that something isn’t right, believe your gut and start paying attention to when your gut reacts.

7. If you catch yourself thinking, “all he needs is a good woman, he has so much potential.” proceed with extreme caution

8. Google his name and if you meet him on a dating site Google his username. It may not reveal anything and it is not a guarantee they are being straightforward with you but it could show some very valuable information; good or bad. it could confirm what he is telling you or you may find out he is into XXX porn sites, Gay sites, or a dozen dating sites looking for casual hookups.  In BC you can go to Court Services Online and find out if a person has had any judgements against him/her just by putting their name in, no file number needed. In some cases you may be charged $6 to see the final outcome of the case. Some people feel it is being paranoid or sneaky to check someone out on-line, but with today’s technology you are crazy not to. Like I said, just because nothing shows up does not mean he is all he says he is, BUT you may just find proof he is not what he says he is.

Also,

Remember, you are both on your “best behavior”, this is the best they are going to be; never ever think you will change them. if you find yourself thinking, “he/she would be perfect if only…….’ and you can’t live with them the way they are then walk.  All people put their best foot forward in the beginning and once you  have been together a while you  both start to relax and show more of your true self.

If you have dated someone a year and none of these things have reared their head I would be willing to wager that the person is not a narcissist. There has been the odd victim who has come in and said that their ex was wonderful for years and then out of the blue turned into a monster but usually when pressed they admit there were signs long before the final discard that they ignored.

Good luck and if you do one thing right, make it be to take it slow. Love, true love takes times to grow and will not disappear if you are not glued at the hip 24/7.

Oh So Ya Wanna Hear?

Well, last Saturday was a pretty shitty day all in all. I was going to do the flea market. (I found these really cool clothing display racks behind the mall in Langley, I would put a picture if my camera worked on my new phone, but that’s another issue and I’m already juggling 2 and not even done the first paragraph! Any way that’s where I met Tyler, a homeless guy that I disrupted when I went to look at these racks. Nice young fellow, been on the streets since he was about 13, he’s 21 now. But I’ll give him his own post later.)

Where was I? Oh right, the clothing display racks that fold up so neat, perfect for someone who sells clothes at the flea market. So I was loading them and other stuff for the flea market Saturday and I got a call from a guy who saw my ad selling my other truck, the 91 GMC. He knows the truck from seeing me at Amix, he has cash and he wants to buy it. So I spend my last $20 on fuel to get down to Surrey and he doesn’t show up. I didn’t have enough fuel to get home, hadn’t had a smoke since 9 in the morning cuz I was out and broke.

I made it to the flea market and every one is starting to pack up so I pulled right in beside an old friend who I just ran into last week after 6 years. Oh! Yeah! I wanted to talk to him because last weekend when I ran into him he had said there was an empty RV spot where he lives and I think I can get a fixer upper trailer for free. Another side issue I’ll discuss at another time.

Annyyyywaaaay, this guy walks up and asks if I am setting up to sell and I said no, I want to talk to my friend and see if he wants to buy one of these racks off me. He said how long are you going to be and I said I didn’t know; was there a problem?

He said if I was setting up to sell I had to pay $10, I said I wasn’t selling, every one is packing up.

My friend didn’t want the racks and neither did anyone else but a woman walked past and liked a big picture frame I had on the truck so I sold it to her for $10 and took the dogs for a long walk. When I got back there was a pizza box stuck on my windshield with a note written on it from that guy, saying I owed him $10 because I sold something. Oh for the love of God!  now my friend was upset because the guy came down on him about me selling something. Sheeeesh now I probably won’t get the RV site. Oh well.

I put the $10 into fuel for my truck and headed to Mission, I was going down the road where all the 2nd hand stores are and one was open, Belle’s, she’s been around forever and has a little bit of everything in her store. It is much too crowded for the clothing racks but I had a few old window frames, and an old typewriter she bought for $20.  I told the kids Momma’s got money!!!

I think they thought I said let’s go for a walk because they got up and were wagging their tails looking at me expectantly. I told them first Momma has to buy smokes. I pulled into a little plaza at the end of town, there’s a corner store and a liquor store there. I was going to back into my parking stall but there was a nice looking grey car with two men in it who had just left the liquor store leaving so I motioned for them to go ahead and I’d wait. I went in and bought myself 1 Mike’s Hard Lemonade and a pack of smokes and then took the puppies for a good long walk to the other end of town and back. Kato was dragging his butt at the end so I left him behind and got the truck. My phone was ringing but I was too busy getting Kato in the truck to answer and forgot to even check for a message. Then I got a text message that said……
Mysteryman- Just saw you at liquor store. You married? Attached?
Me – I’m single. I don’t remember seeing anyone at the liquor store.
MM – silver car, you were backing in, then I saw you walking. Anyway I liked what I saw! 🙂
Me – oh ok thank you walking:)
MM – Buy you a drink?
Me – That would be nice.
MM – xxxxxx Pub 9? Or somewhere else…..
Me – oh! You meant tonight! I have plans tonight.
MM – My name is xxxxxx and I never contacted anyone like this before. Very spur of the moment. Your number was on your door.

MM – Another time then?
Me – Hi xxxxxx lol sure you’ve never done this before that’s what they all say! Just kidding. I’ve never done been asked out like this before either. Another time would be great. Do you live locally?

MM – I do and usually quite shy Haha what’s your name Lady Witha Truck?
Me – Oh I thought you would have gotten that off the truck too. It’s Carrie.
MM – wasn’t looking much at the truck.
MM – what are you doing tonight? I know you got beer. So do I!
Me – I bought Mike’s and I’m going to a girlfriends to get silly.
MM – you already sound silly. Text me on your way home. We can have a drink under the stars. PS come home early!
Me – lol I don’t take orders well. Besides early is subjective.
MM – lol !! I like that. Try me anyway.
Two hours later.
MM – offer for beer under the stars still stands. Unless it rains. 🙂

I was at my g/f’s until almost 4 am. So of course I didn’t text him; doubt I would have even if I would have been early. I certainly wasn’t going to ditch my g/f for a drink with a stranger. (I wouldn’t ditch a g/f for any guy, that’s rude)

I was very complimented though. I haven’t heard from him since. The thing for him to have done was ask me out a day or two ahead. So I guess that’s that.

But it put a smile on my face and I think I must look ok in my skinny jeans. LOL. Maybe I still got it?