Tag Archives: Dating

Moving Forward With Boundaries In Place

Here is an excerpt from a post I did today on the No Reim’er Reason site.

“I found with James, over time my respect for him dwindled; and it bothered me. How can you love a man who you do not respect? For me it goes hand in hand; on the other side of the coin, how can you say you love me when you don’t show me respect? Love without respect is a contradiction of terms, it an oxymoron; just like a narcissist is an oxymoron, (I know, kinda cool that moron is part of that word, I caught that!)

I think it is important we talk about respect in a relationship if we are going to discuss re-entering the dating world after the narcissist.

How do you earn someone’s respect?”

We don’t think about the meaning of words, we toss the word respect around but what does it mean? how do we know we are being disrespected? It is important to have the answers to those questions BEFORE you start dating again. The narcissist demands respect, he expects compliance with his demands and if he doesn’t get immediate compliance he says you are not treating him with respect, so he will use fear to get you to comply. Fear has nothing to do with respect.

I know that from being a single mom of a teenage boy who outweighed me. I knew I had to have his respect because he would never fear me. Besides, who wants their kids to fear them? I much prefer have my son o things because he respects me and because I have walked my talk and lived true to the same standards I expected of him.

To find out how to earn someone’s respect and keep it join No Reim’er Or Reason by clicking on the donation button and paying a small one time only membership fee of $15. This offer is only good until 2016, after that the fee will be more and monthly. 

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Self Worth – You Are Not Who Loves You

You are not who loves you.

Think about that.

Let it sink in.

You, Are. Not. Who. Loves. You.

self worth

I answer questions on Quora, many of them are about narcissists but many of the questions people ask me are basic relationship questions and most of them are coming from young people. When I say young people, I am meaning anyone under 30. (30 is young when you are almost 60). When I was that age I asked the same questions, I remember spending hours with a girlfriend dissecting what a guy meant when he did this or that. What he meant when he said this or that. Trying to figure out if he liked me or not.

We also spent a lot of time crying about what an asshole a guy was and how he had hurt us only to be ecstatic an hour later when he called to ask us out.

Sound familiar?

Know-your-self-worth-ladies

I don’t know what guys do, do they sit around worrying what a girl meant when she said something? I just don’t think they do it as much as women do. I have heard men talking to their buddy who has a broken heart and it usually involved drinking and getting laid. Which is going to end up with a girl sitting with her girl friends trying to figure out if he likes her or not.

What women end up doing is basing their relationships on the advice given by women who are the same age, with the same experience, and the same knowledge as them, guessing  about what a guy is feeling.

Can you see why this is dangerous and absolute insanity?

When a girl asks me what I think a guy meant when he did something my reply is,

“Who cares why he did it. How did you feel when he did it?”

Whether a guy is a narcissist or not, it is dangerous to try to figure out why he did what he did; or said what he said. The only sure way of knowing if he is the guy for you is how do you feel about it, him, the situation?

Part of the big attraction to the narcissist is that in the beginning there is no question of what he meant by this or that because the narcissist is so into you and is telling you all the time how perfect you are and that he loves you and he is showing up and you don’t have to guess if he is dating anyone else because he is always with you, always wants to see you. You don’t have to guess if he likes you, which makes him awfully appealing. He thinks you are a valuable person and that feels good! Everyone wants to be loved and accepted and of course it is going to make anyone feel good, whether it is a boy or a friend, we all want to be liked.

But if you are NOT liked, it does not devalue you or mean you are “less than”. it simply means that for whatever reason that person does not like you. Maybe they are flawed and unable to care for someone but we never consider that; We always take it to mean there is something wrong with us.

If I was to start dating again or if I had a daughter who was just starting to date I would tell her to stop guessing, stop analyzing and start listening to her gut. Take what the guy says and does at face value, stop adding value to it, stop projecting, stop guessing and just accept it at that moment. He took you for dinner and you had a good time, he said he had a good time, assume he meant it. Then see if he calls, if he does, accept the date if you want, if you want but if you don’t want, don’t! It is not going to kill you to stay home on a Saturday night, it does not mean you are not valuable as a woman if you don’t have a date, it means you are picky and don’t want to waste your time spending it with someone you don’t really like.

So many times women will say, he did something that bothered me but I let it slide because we had just started dating. I am not saying you need to dump a guy the first time he says something a little hurtful, or the first time he cancels a date or is late and when you first start dating someone they might be dating other women. That is normal, BUT if it is a recurring problem and he has committed to you and continues to date then you have to stop competing for his attention and wonder if he is the guy for you.

I know that a large part of why I fell in love with James is because he loved me so much. It is hard to walk away from someone who loves you that much. It was nice to never wonder if he was going to call or not, it bothered me that he called so often! but I thought I was being too picky, here I had this guy who was nuts for me, I should just be thankful. NO, I should have listened to my gut that was telling me he was calling too much and I needed more time. When I told him I was staying home for the night and he called and begged me to come to his place or he told me his friend was only in town for one day and he really wanted me to meet this friend I should have listened to my gut that said, “No you want to stay home tonight.”  I am not saying you never compromise but if every time you have plans without him and he finds a way of getting you to change your plans (even if it is a compliment that he wants to spend time with you) there is an imbalance of power happening, you are being controlled in a subtle way. It is hard to see control when it is presented in such a way that it is a compliment. If he said, ” I forbid you to do your own thing tonight, you must spend your time with me” it would be easy to see he is controlling you and it would be easy to justify not seeing him any more. But you know that if you went to your girl friends and said, “I wanted to stay home but he asked me out, what should I do?” They are going to tell you to go on the date, don’t be a stick in the mud, the guy likes you for God’s sake! Don’t refuse him, he might not ask again!

Women are especially bad for assessing each other’s worth by the men in their lives. I don’t think men do that to women as much as women do it to themselves. A woman sees a man with another woman and he hits on them they see themselves as having more value than the other woman. They are complemented and feel special and superior to the other woman.

Men on the other hand, usually (because nothing is ever always) stay clear of another man’s woman. If a man hits on a woman in a bar and her boyfriend walks up, the guy will usually say, “Oh sorry man, I didn’t know she had a boyfriend.” I have always had an unwritten rule about not dating any woman’s man and certainly never date a girl friend’s man, even ex boyfriends are off-limits. But a lot of women will walk right over the other woman to get the man, friendship? loyalty? right out the window if it means you get a man out of the deal. THAT does not give you value, it makes you a bitch with low self-esteem in my mind, AND it tells you a whole lot about the kind of man HE is. If he can do it to her, he will do it to you; he is not a loyal trust worthy person.

Another question I get is, “Should I be angry he did this or that?”

Here is a real life example of what I mean:

I have never had a problem with a guy going to see strippers, I figure he comes home to me, he is in  a bar with a bunch of guys, the stripper is not having sex with all those guys so I figure it is probably one of the safest places for him to be actually. But I have a friend who is extremely bothered if her man goes to see strippers, like I mean beside herself, it causes her real anxiety.
Whether I think she is right or wrong is irrelevant, whether he thinks she is right or wrong, is irrelevant, what IS relevant is she has great anxiety over him going to see strippers.  Now this should be a non issue in my mind. If he loves her and doesn’t want to cause her great anxiety, he will give up going to see strippers. BUT if not going to see strippers causes him anxiety then he needs to find someone who doesn’t care if he goes to see strippers.  In my mind she should win over the strippers or he just does not care that much.

What happened was he said he would stop going to strippers and lied and did it anyway. She found out and they fought, this went on for years, she would get upset, he would say he would stop he would lie sneak to see the strippers and she would be suspicious every time he didn’t answer the phone or went out without her, he would get angry because she was always suspicious, she would get more suspicious because he would get more secretive. They were always fighting, about her snooping, about him lying, she was always unhappy.

This happened before I met James and my advice to her was, “If he cares so little for your feelings that he can’t give up the strippers for you, he doesn’t love you. It doesn’t matter if he thinks your feelings are right or wrong, it is what you feel. Either he can live with that or you have to learn to accept that he goes to see strippers but YOU have to make a decision. He has made his decision, he has chosen the strippers over what you need from him. So now you have to choose to live with it or walk away.”

I was pretty smart back then, but up until then I had never been with a man who didn’t respect my boundaries. If I would have followed my own advice when I met James I would have walked away in the first year.

What it all boils down to…………………assessing our value by what a man thinks of us and not by who we are.

This video has an excellent message everyone should listen to. I wish it was played everyday in school because if there is one lesson everyone needs to learn it is to value yourself always. If we all valued ourselves the narcissists in the world would have no one to feed off.

self worth 2

It says to live true to yourself. So what does that mean for a person like a narcissist, then he will continue to be an uncaring asshole! Yep, you are right, the assholes would still be assholes but they wouldn’t be able to do the damage they do because we wouldn’t be trying to gain their approval, they would have to be assholes all alone because we would value ourselves too much to get sucked into their game. See, we wouldn’t care they were assholes, we wouldn’t try to change them, we would just accept they are assholes and move along. We wouldn’t analyze what they meant by that or guess if they like us, because we would have moved along because we value ourselves and our time. We would not be wasting our precious time and efforts on someone who does not value us the way we should be valued. Assholes would be a non issue.

Buy the motivation card from this post here

 

Thoughts About Men and Dating

I was walking Stella this morning at 5:30 am, trying to not dribble my coffee all over myself as she pulled on the leash because she saw Tobias her little (actually very LARGE friend a Mastiff something else huge hairy drooling male dog) and wanted to go say Hi.

Anyway, we walked to the end of the dyke and turned around, just as another friend of hers appeared for his morning walk, he is a black lab x and his daddy lives on a boat a few docks away from me.

I walked back to the end of the dyke so Stella could play and then we finally were walking home alone and I got thinking. I was thinking that if not for finances life is pretty damn good right now, I am enjoying my life immensely and it has a lot to do with the fact that i am surrounded by eligible, good looking, intelligent men who enjoy my company.

I think I have entered a new phase of my healing process, or maybe I am not healing any more and just reaching normal, my new normal.

I walked one way with one man and the other way with another, and there are several other guys i walk Stella with at different times. There is a group of them that gather at the communal picnic table at the bottom of the ramp, a very handsome french Canadian with a young daughter, I don’t want to get involved with someone with a young child (been there done that) but having a conversation with a good looking man feels good. Then I was down at my boat and another very nice looking man came down to my boat to see if I can sew and that is not my thing but we talked for about 15 or so minutes and I really enjoyed his company. Very nice man with a lot going for him, travels 1/2 the year to hot places and summers up here.

But there is one fellow, I will call him john, just in case he ever reads my blog or someone from the marina does, I think anyone would guess who I am talking about anyway but no point in embarrassing him. Anyway, since i have been here he has been in his sailboat living behind me. He is just a really nice guy, a gentleman, friendly without being invasive, helpful without being a know-it-all. He always gives me a hand, last night he packed my laundry down to the boat, well actually he also packed my groceries to the boat also. Every time he sees me working on the boat he insists on giving me something to help make the job easier, sand paper, polish for the chrome, etc. he always says hi and gives a wave. He loves Stella and always stops to say Hi to her and gave her a pack of tennis balls that she cherishes. She loves John.

He went sailing with his grandson for a week and left me the key to his storage container so I could use his freezer or store stuff in it. They got back a day early yesterday and a little to my surprise when I saw the boat round the corner, I was happy to see him home. Dare I say it out loud??

While I was doing laundry he come out of the shower and I said, “Are you following me?” and he came over and said, “I try to.” Just then the security guard came around the corner and i said, “Security guard arrest this man!!”

I am getting a bit of my “flirt” back. He has not asked me out and i don’t even know that i want him to, it is just really nice to have a gentleman pay attention to me and have male company. Take it slow and if nothing happens I am fine with that, but i feel i am testing the waters, gearing up to some day maybe having a date. he keeps saying he wants to take me out on his sailboat and that would be really nice.

i never thought i would find another man the least bit attractive but you know, the more i got to know James the uglier he got and now I remember how it felt to love him but I can’t imagine ever finding him attractive now.  This man, any one of the men I associate with now are miles above James, simply miles.

and so am I. Because I didn’t have to run out and find a man to love me to make me feel human, I healed myself and don’t need any man to make me feel whole. So sad when someone can’t be themselves for fear no one will like them.

Happy. I am going for a walk with Stella now.

Finding The Right Man Instead Of Being The Right Woman

dating game

Something has happened to the dating scene since I was actively dating.

People meet and within a couple of months or even weeks they are living together, there is no way they know each other let alone love each other and here they are playing house when they should be dating and getting to know each other.

I think part of it is, times are tough, rents are high, people are working long hours, it’s just more convenient to live together than to try and cram dating into the mix, with an added bonus of one less rent to pay.

It is all fine while they are infatuated with each other and still in the throes of new love but that all fades pretty quickly when you are washing his shxx stained shorts and the used tampon is in the garbage can. Gross, I know but those are the facts of life when you live with someone. Many people who never should have gotten together are later dealing with the ugly process of splitting property, and moving out when it simply could have been as easy as saying, “No thanks I don’t want to go out, I don’t think we are well suited.” No fuss no muss. Even if one of you feels stronger about the other one, if you are just dating it is much easier to break up if you are not living in the same house.

I don’t understand it, couples just do not take the time to get to know each other. They rush sex and it is almost expected that by the 3rd date they will have sex, if it doesn’t something is wrong with the person who doesn’t want it. A talk on one of the POF’s forums were discussing this topic and most of the men said if they don’t have sex by the 3rd date they don’t ask the woman out again. Another forum had women moving guys in with them after a month or two, and wondering why they can’t find any decent men.

Women especially need to hold off on sex too soon.

Women’s rights be damned.

Yes I agree women should be able to have as much casual sex as a man, and not be looked down on because of it. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. But the truth is, their bodies are saying something different. When a woman has sex a hormone called oxytocin is released, and this hormone lowers our defenses, makes us more trusting, clouds our judgement, makes us more loving and, get this….. increases our level of empathy. It does not distinguish between casual sex and loving sex and is released every single time we have sex regardless.

So, while having sex may make you more tolerant and loving to your husband (a good thing), it can also make you trust the wrong person and fall in love with someone you should not be with. Consequently, why women can feel so intensely hurt when a short term relationship ends.

Men on the other hand, get a jolt of dopamine, the pleasure hormone; so he will want sex more but not because he is feeling especially close to the woman but because it felt good. That’s it, it felt good. it was pleasurable, and the woman is laying there falling in love.

See where there could be problems with this scenario?

And there is nothing you can do about it, stop trying to deny it, because it is nature, it just happens.

In order to protect themselves women have to understand their bodies better, know that having sex puts you at risk of falling in love with the wrong man, know that your gut tells you when you are in danger and listen to it, Call it intuition, call it a “feeling” , don’t doubt it.

Know your worth before you start dating, know what is important to you, what your “deal breakers” are, don’t have any? get some!!

Don’t date any man you plan on changing, if you find yourself thinking, he would be perfect if…………… or he has so much potential all he needs is a good loving woman like me…………… or “Sure he’s a ladies man but once he is with me he will settle down”…………. “I will change him” in any way………… DO NOT DATE HIM!!

Find a man with your morals, principles and goals in life. Now this will not necessarily protect you from a narcissist because the N will morph into your exact perfect mate in order to hook you BUT it will keep you from making a mistake none the less, and cuts the odds of you getting hooked up with the wrong guy. Like, if the guy does drugs and you are dead set against drugs, don’t even go there; the odds he is going to give them up for you are slim and there are going to be enough things that you aren’t nuts about that are going to appear over time, don’t start off with a major one like that.

Women especially need to figure out what their boundaries are, their “deal breakers” and then do not compromise them even once. If you start off compromising you have no where to go but down and without a leg to stand on. You have to remember the man is on his best behaviour, if he does drugs “once in a while” you can bet he is doing them often if not constantly, if he hit a woman “once” he has hit her multiple times and he will hit you. If he ever says you are too good for him, believe him.

not seeing the truth

When you meet a man, take time to get to know him and during that time, focus less on being the right woman for him and concentrate more on whether he is the right man for you.

The Science of Love

science

 

At times I think I confuse people with my views on who is at fault in a relationship with a narcissist. 

Although I don’t believe the victim is to blame, there is no way they knew what they were getting into, no one teaches us about narcissists and psychopaths, unfortunately it is a lesson we had to learn the hard way. BUT we do have to take some responsibility for our own abuse because we stayed.

NOW, before you get defensive or take all the blame let me explain. We are all caregivers, that is what we do, as much as the narcissist is a taker, user and abuser and has no heart, we are the exact opposite. It stands to reason we would end up with a narcissist doesn’t it? 

I hear people say they are afraid to ever date again because they can’t trust another man, or they can’t trust themselves, or they can’t stop being who they are and they refuse to stop being a caring giving person. But no one is asking they to change who they are only define who they are and then stick to that definition and not let anyone tell them differently. Set boundaries and stick to them, be true to your core beliefs and respect yourself and demand that others respect you also. A narcissist will not stick around if he knows you can not be manipulated. I watched that show Secret Millionaire the other day, the show where a millionaire pretends to be poor in order to find a love partner who loves them for them and not their money. I watched several of the episodes and something happened I had not anticipated; in the final few minutes of the show the contestant reveals the truth to the (in the cases I watched) woman he has been lying about his wealth and the woman who previously had really been falling for the guy broke up with him for lying to her. 

I doubt I would have done that. I have never cared how much money a guy had but, to be honest, if I was falling for a guy and he revealed he had been lying and he was actually a millionaire I would be thrilled!! Bonus!! and I would have totally ignored the fact that he had lied to me, I would understand why he did it and forgiven him and said something like, “I’ll forgive you this time but ever lie to me again and it’s over.'” Some of the women asked to think about it for a while alone, but they came to the same conclusion and broke up with the guy. Actually only one woman decided to stick with the guy and they were getting along great 2 months later but who knows what a year down the road brought. 

That got me thinking and wondering what the women (or men) on here would do. Would you forgive or break up with the guy? I respect the women who stood firm to their boundaries and from now on I am standing firm to my boundaries also, no 2nd chances, no acceptions to the rule. THAT is where we run into problems. You can still be a caring, giving person without being a doormat and letting a person walk all over you and disrespect you. Love does not mean letting someone ignore your standards. If honesty is not important to you then by all means date a liar, or if you want to pay for everything all the time, pay all the time, but if you want honesty, faithfulness, and respect don’t date a guy who lies, has cheated on other women because he will cheat on you and don’t pay his way.

Another thing we did, we gave too much, we invested too much, when we invest too much the person and the relationship becomes more important because we are invested. Watch this video, they are talking about allowing the other person to invest in the relationship also, that if we do it all the scales become unbalanced and we end up more invested in the relationship than the other person. Just listen to the first few minutes it makes a lot of sense. I know I was doing all the driving when I met James, it happened before I knew it but looking back, I didn’t like doing the driving but he didn’t want to drive and it kinda made sense because at his place we were alone and I worked and he didn’t, but I wonder what would have happened if I would have just said,”No, I do not want to drive down there.” I didn’t want to take the chance that he wouldn’t do it so I didn’t challenge him but maybe he would have not driven and maybe we wouldn’t have gotten together for the long haul which certainly would not have been a bad thing. 

You know, sometimes we think we really want something because we think it is a good thing and what we need so we make it happen at all cost and if we would have just stood back and let things unfold as they should it never would have been a problem.

Doing The Right Thing Should Be Easy

James insisted he had grabbed the chain out of Kris’s hand. I told him I didn’t know what to believe. He asked me to at least check out what he was telling me and I promised I would.

I picked Kris up from the hospital the next morning and I told him I had talked to James and heard the messages he had sent.

I was angry, I had specifically told him to not start anything and had asked him why he needed my phone when he borrowed it that night and he had lied to me.

I was angrier at myself, I felt guilty for dragging my son into my mess. I knew he would feel the need to protect his momma. I had a feeling in my gut when we pulled up that something wasn’t right. I had only given in and let him come home with me to avoid arguing with him; I had wanted to be alone. Now it was a huge mess and I could have prevented it all.(mind you, in retrospect James definitely had something planned when he started putting all the lights on his truck and had been very intimidating that night. Who knows what would have happened if I would have gone home alone.)

Kris admitted the chain was the chain he used to lock his bike up and he had hooked it onto his belt loop of his pants. The knife was the one that his dad had given him that he always packed. It had been in the pocket of his cargo pants and must have fallen out in the fight.

I told him he had to go to the police and tell the truth, he flatly refused. I told him that if he lied in court he would be charged with purgery and besides I had always taught him to be honest.

From the time he was wee that had been the one thing I always harped on with him; always tell the truth, as long as you are honest things will work out and you never get in as much trouble as if you are caught lying.

He would not change his mind and I told him that I would not lie for him in court. He said I didn’t have to lie; just tell them what I saw. I said I can’t do that; I know the truth now and to pretend I don’t would be lying. I just could not lie; not even for my son; it went against everything I stood for, I was heartsick. 

I went to meet James secretly a couple of times and told him Kris refused to change his testimony but told him to give Kris time to think about it. If he didn’t change his mind in a couple of days I would go to the cops and tell them what I knew. Of course I was too stupid to realize James was being so loving and understanding because he was orchestrating his defense.

Out of the blue Kris asked if he could talk to James, he wanted to apologize. I called James and he agreed to meet us. Kris got out of my car and shook James hand and apologized for the messages and the fight and James did the same, I thought we were getting somewhere but when Kris got back in the car he still refused to go to the police with the truth. 

I called the police and told the officer who had been there that night that I had new information and that my son had confessed to me it was his knife and chain. He said to save it for court. I said why wait? Why waste taxpayer dollars going to court when it could all be sorted out now. He refused to take my statement. I decided to write Crown Counsel myself explaining the whole situation.

By this time I had moved into an apartment in Abbotsford and had started full time college.  My son was not supposed to be living with me. When he had come back from Calgary it was supposed to be for a few weeks until he got a job and saved for a place. I was on a very limited student government grant to upgrade my skills; it wasn’t enough for me to live on let alone support Kris. When he quit school in Grade 10 I had told him he’d better get a job because if he wasn’t in school I was not supporting him.
He was hanging with a bad crowd, bringing them back to the apartment while I was in school and the neighbors were complaining. The landlady warned me that he had to move out or I would be evicted; so I told him he had to get out.

James and I were seeing each other again (something I am not proud of and I am sure contributed to Kris’s attitude, I packed guilt about it for years, I apologized to Kris and he forgave me long before I could forgive myself. I have forgiven myself finally. I did the best I could and I screwed up, but my guilt was keeping me from being the best mom I could be, now! I had to let it go)

I wrote my letter to crown counsel and James had written his. The first statement I wrote put all the blame on James the 2nd one laid it on Kris and was heavily influenced by James, in the 3rd and final I laid the blame on myself, saying I should not have told Kris anything to begin with or had Kris come home with me that night. I should have been more aware of what he was doing that night with my phone and basically just stated the facts surrounding that night. James was not happy with my revised version and tried to pressure me into changing it but I refused. Once again, I was sticking to the belief that the truth was the best way to deal with it.

I had my statement typed, signed, and in a sealed envelope on the counter, James was taking his in and offered to take mine at the same time.

A few days later James took me for breakfast and we had a really good talk. I went to school very positive about us. We got out of class early that day and I was anxious to get home to James. When I got to the apartment his truck was parked out front loaded with his stuff from the apartment and with things he had given me; like a TV. He was pulling away when I ran up to the truck and asked what he was doing. He said it was over, he was moving into a warehouse, it was never going to work out between us and that was it. I was devastated, dazed, confused standing there in the parking lot crying as he drove away. I could barely function, went up to the apartment and Kris was on the couch sleeping, he hadn’t even woken up with James moving.

James was so cold and matter of fact about it ending and at this point I still believed he was honest. I admit I grovelled for another chance, I promised to change, I said I would take the relationship on his terms, anything just don’t end it. We spent a couple of nights together at the warehouse and when I went back to the apartment after school I couldn’t open the door; the locks had been changed.

It was a Friday and my landlady didn’t answer her phone, I had no idea where Kris was or what had happened. The door jamb was broken so obviously someone had kicked the door in. I found him at a friends. He told me that when he moved out he took the handheld phone and was able to buzz himself in. He kicked the door open and went to sleep in the lazyboy chair. He didn’t know how long he had been asleep/passed out when he was woken up by someone kicking the chair. He grabbed a pair of scissors and was brandeshing them when he realized it was the landlady and a cop standing there. He told them I had packed up and left him there. They believed him, didn’t call me, gave him ten minutes to pack up his clothes, kicked him out and changed the locks.

Yes I know she couldn’t legally do that but she did and I lost everything because she gave me a one chance to get my things and James didn’t show up with the truck.

I called Crown counsel and they said they never received my statement so I called the police officer and he said he had it in the file at the police station. I told him Crown would look at it and he said it could wait until court.

I was totally frustrated by the police, I felt like they were playing games. The night of the fight one officer took Kris and my statement and another officer took James’s. They had asked James for his address and he had given his buddy’s address in the resort. He was  told that if he wasn’t at that address he would be arrested for being in breach of his conditions for release. I was told that he was not to be in the park and if he was seen in the park to call them and he would be arrested. I had called the police many times to ask if he was allowed in the park and no one could give me an answer. The attending cop went from 4 days off to being on vacation. So Kris and I thought James was purposely harassing us when in fact he had to be at the resort. Mind you he did follow us and he did intimidate us with the bright headlights etc. But the whole situation was escalated by the cops not commumicating. Finally the night JC was escorted to get his things was the first time he was told to not come back, even to visit friends.

The whole situation was out of control and the police seemed to be enjoying the show.

The way the whole thing was handled was unprofessional, disorganized, and instead of difusing the situation the police contributed to emotions esculating to dangerous levels. Not once was I contacted by victim services or someone from a Domestic Violence support group, my concerns were literally laughed at by the police. And JC was revelliing in the fact that he had managed to turn things in his favor again. I knew he had a restraining order put on him years prior by the girl that had his baby and I told the police to check his file in Alberta. They said nothing showed up, but I found out later that a person can pay $400 and have their record sealed.

Oh So Ya Wanna Hear?

Well, last Saturday was a pretty shitty day all in all. I was going to do the flea market. (I found these really cool clothing display racks behind the mall in Langley, I would put a picture if my camera worked on my new phone, but that’s another issue and I’m already juggling 2 and not even done the first paragraph! Any way that’s where I met Tyler, a homeless guy that I disrupted when I went to look at these racks. Nice young fellow, been on the streets since he was about 13, he’s 21 now. But I’ll give him his own post later.)

Where was I? Oh right, the clothing display racks that fold up so neat, perfect for someone who sells clothes at the flea market. So I was loading them and other stuff for the flea market Saturday and I got a call from a guy who saw my ad selling my other truck, the 91 GMC. He knows the truck from seeing me at Amix, he has cash and he wants to buy it. So I spend my last $20 on fuel to get down to Surrey and he doesn’t show up. I didn’t have enough fuel to get home, hadn’t had a smoke since 9 in the morning cuz I was out and broke.

I made it to the flea market and every one is starting to pack up so I pulled right in beside an old friend who I just ran into last week after 6 years. Oh! Yeah! I wanted to talk to him because last weekend when I ran into him he had said there was an empty RV spot where he lives and I think I can get a fixer upper trailer for free. Another side issue I’ll discuss at another time.

Annyyyywaaaay, this guy walks up and asks if I am setting up to sell and I said no, I want to talk to my friend and see if he wants to buy one of these racks off me. He said how long are you going to be and I said I didn’t know; was there a problem?

He said if I was setting up to sell I had to pay $10, I said I wasn’t selling, every one is packing up.

My friend didn’t want the racks and neither did anyone else but a woman walked past and liked a big picture frame I had on the truck so I sold it to her for $10 and took the dogs for a long walk. When I got back there was a pizza box stuck on my windshield with a note written on it from that guy, saying I owed him $10 because I sold something. Oh for the love of God!  now my friend was upset because the guy came down on him about me selling something. Sheeeesh now I probably won’t get the RV site. Oh well.

I put the $10 into fuel for my truck and headed to Mission, I was going down the road where all the 2nd hand stores are and one was open, Belle’s, she’s been around forever and has a little bit of everything in her store. It is much too crowded for the clothing racks but I had a few old window frames, and an old typewriter she bought for $20.  I told the kids Momma’s got money!!!

I think they thought I said let’s go for a walk because they got up and were wagging their tails looking at me expectantly. I told them first Momma has to buy smokes. I pulled into a little plaza at the end of town, there’s a corner store and a liquor store there. I was going to back into my parking stall but there was a nice looking grey car with two men in it who had just left the liquor store leaving so I motioned for them to go ahead and I’d wait. I went in and bought myself 1 Mike’s Hard Lemonade and a pack of smokes and then took the puppies for a good long walk to the other end of town and back. Kato was dragging his butt at the end so I left him behind and got the truck. My phone was ringing but I was too busy getting Kato in the truck to answer and forgot to even check for a message. Then I got a text message that said……
Mysteryman- Just saw you at liquor store. You married? Attached?
Me – I’m single. I don’t remember seeing anyone at the liquor store.
MM – silver car, you were backing in, then I saw you walking. Anyway I liked what I saw! 🙂
Me – oh ok thank you walking:)
MM – Buy you a drink?
Me – That would be nice.
MM – xxxxxx Pub 9? Or somewhere else…..
Me – oh! You meant tonight! I have plans tonight.
MM – My name is xxxxxx and I never contacted anyone like this before. Very spur of the moment. Your number was on your door.

MM – Another time then?
Me – Hi xxxxxx lol sure you’ve never done this before that’s what they all say! Just kidding. I’ve never done been asked out like this before either. Another time would be great. Do you live locally?

MM – I do and usually quite shy Haha what’s your name Lady Witha Truck?
Me – Oh I thought you would have gotten that off the truck too. It’s Carrie.
MM – wasn’t looking much at the truck.
MM – what are you doing tonight? I know you got beer. So do I!
Me – I bought Mike’s and I’m going to a girlfriends to get silly.
MM – you already sound silly. Text me on your way home. We can have a drink under the stars. PS come home early!
Me – lol I don’t take orders well. Besides early is subjective.
MM – lol !! I like that. Try me anyway.
Two hours later.
MM – offer for beer under the stars still stands. Unless it rains. 🙂

I was at my g/f’s until almost 4 am. So of course I didn’t text him; doubt I would have even if I would have been early. I certainly wasn’t going to ditch my g/f for a drink with a stranger. (I wouldn’t ditch a g/f for any guy, that’s rude)

I was very complimented though. I haven’t heard from him since. The thing for him to have done was ask me out a day or two ahead. So I guess that’s that.

But it put a smile on my face and I think I must look ok in my skinny jeans. LOL. Maybe I still got it?