Tag Archives: Death

The Blog-Where It’s Going and Where The Hell I’ve Been

I started the blog in 2011 and it’s been my baby ever since. I don’t do things half assed and would absolutely panic if I couldn’t monitor the blog and reply to comments even for one day.

Now I don’t even remember the last time I was here and I feel awful about it and want to bring everyone up to date.

I am hesitant to post about it because I know my ex reads the blog and I know he would get great pleasure from hearing I am not doing well. But to hell with him, I really don’t care what he thinks.

New people to the blog probably don’t know about my health issues and well, even my Facebook friends don’t know the full story.

I had my first heart attack in 2011. I felt great afterwards, went straight back to work and didn’t take my meds or follow any doctor’s orders. I had a business to run, bills to pay, a life to put back together. When I left my ex I left with $5, my dog and my truck. That was it.

I ended up living in a holiday trailer with no running water, no sewer and an extension cord for power. The dogs water dish froze inside the trailer and I slept with my parka and boots on. I didn’t have the facilities to cook proper meals and ate fast food and precooked meals, all high in sodium.

My ex had sabotaged my truck to the point I broke myself trying to fix it. I got a job offer and jumped on it. A couple of months after getting the job I went into heart failure. My ex was making anonymous calls to my boss trying to get me fired and the strata where I lived trying to get me evicted. That was 2013.

This time I was told in no uncertain terms to quit work, take my meds and eat properly etc. I had no choice. By the time I had driven myself to the emergency ward I was so far into heart failure I would have been dead in 24 hours, my lungs were filling with fluid and I was literally drowning.

I had worked long enough to qualify for sick benefits for 4-5 months and then got an office job. I got enough time in there to qualify for unemployment benefits when that company went bankrupt. I had put the last of my retirement funds into purchasing a small cabin and lost that when I could no longer work and was denied disability benefits.

From there I lived in my car for awhile, bought a trailer cheap and fixed it up (had another heart attack while fixing that up) and couldn’t even afford the cost of a campsite for the trailer. Back into my car I went.

In 2016 the cardiologist told me I had to get a pacemaker defibrillator implant and he quadrupled my heart med (carvidelol) . The pacemaker was supposed to take 45 minutes to implant. Four hours later and 3 heart surgeons attempts they could not get the pacemaker wire hooked up and had cut one of my ventricles. I was sent home to heal and they would try again.

That was last winter and I was in horrible pain and was horribly sick for over 6 months. No doctor seemed to take me seriously and I just wanted to die.

I have always told the doctors that my quality of life is more important to me than quantity of life.

Struggling to get by on $610 a month welfare, in excruciating pain that was only bareable if I was laying flat on my stomach.

I went to 5 chiropractors trying to find relief for the pain in my ribs and ended up taking pain med that were bad for my heart and they didn’t even work.

I started to research carvidelol on my own and discovered it can be a miracle drug for some and a death sentence for others. If not properly monitored it can actually damage the heart and cause heart failure.

They tried to hook up the pacemaker again and AGAIN it took 3 cardiologists 4 hours and they still didn’t get it hooked up.

I complained to the doctors at VGH where they did the procedure about my pain and horrible side effects and all they said was it couldn’t possibly be due to anything they had done. Yet I had come out of the anesthetic while they were still working on me and the doctor was pushing on my chest so hard and I was in such pain I tried to climb off the table. They gave me another shot and I was out but now knew how rough they treated me.

They said they wouldn’t try to hook up the wire that way again, there was another, more invasive way they would try next time. One where they go through my ribcage and recovery is 4 times longer.

I told them no one was touching me ever again! ! Any mention of another attempt to hook up that wire literally gives me an anxiety attack.

I finally found a chiropractor (thank God!!) Who was able to get rid of pain. It turns out I have an extra rib and in their attempts to hook up the wire they had moved one of my ribs and irritated an old whiplash injury.

Although I was out of pain I still had terrible side effects and decided to cut back on my carvidilol myself. So what of it was “saving my life” it was a life not worth living.

I had to go to VGH to have the defibrillator checked and mentioned to the technician how horrible I had been feeling and the angel went and got the head of the UBC Heart Function Clinic to come talk to me. It was the first time I felt listened to and he spoke with my mom and I for an hour. I left with the first hope I had felt in over a year.

Long story short; the UBC Heart Function took on my case, changed my meds and I was feeling pretty good. I tried working and collapsed on night last summer while letting Stella out for a pee. Well actually she had woken me up and I assumed she had to pee but in retrospect I think she sensed something was wrong. My defibrillator shocked me and brought me back.

I lost my drivers license for 6 months because of it. UBC read my defibrillator printout and I had 84 “episodes”, 4 shocks, and 1 major heart attack in 6 months.

I am positive that being on the wrong meds and being in such horrible pain for so long has damaged my heart.

My meds were adjusted and I was hopeful. Tried to keep myself positive.

I found a cheap place to live and been here a year but it is just a basement; no kitchen, no real privacy. The owner snoops whenever I go out, and has made a play for me. He’s 20 years my senior!

I have a hot plate to cook on and a bar size fridge, no kitchen sink, a mattress on the floor and it is located in a really hilly area but they allow Stella and the rent is doable. I can’t walk Stella because of the hills and can’t cook proper meals or buy cheap food in quantities because I don’t have a proper fridge.

I have just applied for disability for the 4th time.

I have a partial plate and just before Christmas a tooth in the front broke off. The dentist said I need to have all my teeth extracted and my gums are all infected. Welfare only pays a portion and I can’t afford to pay the difference. Welfare doesn’t care that it is a strain on my heart to fight the infection.

I got the flu on Dec 27th, 2017 which turned into pneumonia and I was flat out on the couch the whole month of January.

The first week of February I went for a checkup at UBC Heart Function Clinic and was told that they have done all they can for me, my only option is a heart transplant. I refuse a heart transplant because I see no point in prolonging a life not worth living. I really don’t want to sound negative and some people want to live no matter what. But living on welfare, always struggling, always broke, not able to eat properly, rotten teeth, living in substandard conditions; is not a life worth prolonging in my mind.

I am hopeful my application for disability will be approved this time. My heart is functioning at below 20%, according to the Nurse Practitioner, “which is barely enough to keep your organs functioning, how much blood and oxygen do they think is getting to your brain in order for you to hold down a job?”

The Heart clinic is transferring my records close to home because they have done all they can.

So…… that is what I have been doing lately. I had to take time to digest the fact that I am not going to be around much longer. I around not afraid of dying and don’t really have any regrets. I have led a pretty great life over all. I have a fantastic son and grand daughter but it is hard to really accept the facts.

I have made arrangements for Stella because she will be lost without me and I really worry about her. My son is grown but I know he’ll miss his momma.

I turn 60 in April and I just feel it’s all gone by too fast! Realistically I know that no one has any guarantees about how long they will live.

I must admit though that I have spent a lot of time staring into space, awake at night, thinking. As much as I tell myself I need to visit the blog, or wash dishes, or get dressed I can waste a day watching mindless TV or on Facebook.

The only way I can describe how I feel is this;

After 10 years with my ex and 8 years trying to recover (5 of which he stalked me and tried everything he could think of to destroy me). Eight years of doctors not listening to me, welfare not listening, always struggling I feel like I am floating in a huge ocean. The ship has gone down, I am alone and panic but tell myself “You can do this. Hang in there. Someone will come along to rescue you.” So I manage to tread water for awhile. A piece of wood floats by so I hang onto it for awhile and don’t have to swim so hard. But eventually it breaks apart and I am treading water again. I see a ship in the distance but it never comes. I get more and more discouraged and hopeless.

I am tired, but I don’t want to spend what time I have left, just treading water. I am going to make some changes to the format of the blog and start to write my book. More on that to come.

Please keep me and Stella in your prayers and if you can see clear to make a donation I would truly appreciate any help I can get towards my dental work.

Talk to you all soon.

Love and hugs ūüíě‚̧ūüíē

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Another Two Women Dead

I don’t post every time I hear of another woman dying at the hand of the man who vowed to love honor and protect her, if I did, I wouldn’t have time for anything else. But when it is this close to home and this horrendous I have to share as a warning to all women who have ever been or are in an abusive relationship.

I spoke about one murder and a child missing in Calgary Alberta on FaceBook . The woman found murdered was a 30 year old single mother, she was found dead in the home she had moved into May 1st with her 5 year old daughter; and her daughter was not there.

I immediately thought “domestic homicide” but they said the father of the little girl was cooperating with the police. I wasn’t surprised when I heard in later news reports that there had been a history of domestic abuse, reported and unreported. ¬†Maybe the ex will be proven innocent, but I will be surprised and God only knows where the little girl is, the poor little thing.

Prior to this case there was the domestic homicide that occurred Sunday afternoon in Port Moody BC, you can read the story here Port Moody fire. In this case a mother of 6 died in hospital after her husband set the house on fire with 5 of the 6 children in the house. The police were called about domestic violence and arrived to find the house engulfed in flames. The children ranging in age from I think 6-18 managed to escape the house from the second floor with help from the neighbors and the trampoline that was in the back yard. Thankfully the children all got out safely, but they will carry deep scars for the rest of their lives. Their father was taken from the home in handcuffs.

I. Can. Not. Say. It. Enough.

Never. Ever. Underestimate. the Evil. Of. the. Narcissist.

If you are on the internet trying to find answers to why your soul mate turned against you trust that you were involved with someone with issues. A normal person does not do the things a narcissist does. Stop doubting yourself, Stop feeling sorry for him, stop thinking you can fix him, it. Get OUT! protect yourself and your children! NOW!!

By the time you have “proof” he is capable of killing you it will be too late! He is not going to tell you he is plotting to kill you, if you ask him he will call you crazy. You tell other people they will probably say you are crazy. You are not crazy! listen to your gut.

 

Remembering 9/11-Death is Death No Matter When or Where It Happens

I could not let 9/11 slip past without a mention. All those innocent people murdered and it was murder; not just killed, they didn’t just die. They were murdered in cold blood by a psychopath or a group of psychopaths. I am not going to get into conspiracy theories, or who’s to blame or anything like that.

I am just saying that for someone to do what they did they have to be a psychopath, lacking in empathy or a conscience. A psychopath is a psychopath no matter what mask he is wearing at different times. Underneath the mask is someone who can kill in cold blood if the payoff is good enough or if someone stands in the way of what they want.

Whether it is the World Trade Center or your bedroom does not change how dangerous they are. We are all in danger, because they are all around us. I am not being alarmist or extreme, I am telling the truth, which is more than any of them can do! But we can protect ourselves by being aware and not putting ourselves in deliberate harm’s way.

Just remember when he calls next time and he is sweet and loving, how horrible he was to you and how quickly he can do a complete 180, how he can smile to your face and stab you in the back.

You may not feel your situation is of the magnitude that 9/11/2001was but death is death and while you are struggling with accepting the severity of your situation and the fact that your partner is abusive and thus dangerous; you have family members who are worried sick and children who will be motherless if you died. You HAVE to stop being selfish (and you are you know) and think about the people who will suffer and ARE suffering because you can’t face reality.

Oh I know, he probably won’t kill you, not outright anyway. The odds are in your favor, you probably won’t be one of the 4000 women who die annually in the USA alone, at the hands of their significant other.

  • Injury from being battered far exceeds injury from rape, muggings, or car accidents; combined!
  • Worldwide among women aged 15-64 there are more injuries and death due to domestic abuse than from malaria, cancer and car accidents combined.

It is also true that 75% of domestic homicides happen just prior to or just after the victim leaves the relationship; so it is especially important that the victim have a safety plan and NOT go back or have contact with the abuser once she leaves.

I was stupid, and I was lucky to get out alive, I know that now more than ever. I didn’t know the statistics when I was with him, I didn’t know that psychopaths live amongst us, or that they can act and look as normal as the next guy, I thought it happened to “other” people.

Those people who died in 9/11 had no choice, they were not given a warning. They went to work one day expecting to go home that night, never did they envision themselves jumping from a window to their death to escape the inferno enveloping them. But you have been warned, you are aware and you are able to save yourself.

Please, download the safety plan at the top of the blog and plan your escape, speak out, get help, but don’t wait to die, you may not feel your life is worth anything without him but I am here to tell you, IT IS!! and there are people who love you who will tell you that also and who will live the rest of their lives blaming themselves for not doing something, anything, to save you; when it was totally in your control, not theirs.

Excellent Article On “Why Didn’t You Just Leave?”

With all the publicity lately surrounding Ray Rice and Oscar Pistorius the topic of Domestic Violence has been brought to the forefront in the news; and the injustice we see happening when it comes to the abuser paying for his crimes of abuse. The obvious disregard for the rights of the victim is unbelievable and discouraging; it is almost enough to make a victim feel that there is no point in even trying to seek justice and she should quietly hide in a corner and pray he leaves her alone and doesn’t harm her any more.

To speak out can put the victim directly in harm’s way because the abuser never wants to be revealed for the person he really is, whether he is a football player or a mechanic at the local garage. There are two things a narcissist hates more than you, being opposed and being exposed.

But there is only one way to end domestic abuse and that is to keep speaking out, louder than ever, voices from all corners of the world united in a chorus of the truth exposing these toxic soul crushers for what they are; the more voices the louder it gets and sooner or later someone has to pay attention.

Society is starting to grumble, with Pistorius and Rice, people are realizing something is terribly wrong with our judicial system, that if a man that famous will do something like that then maybe there is more to this than just weak women who like to be slapped around.

Now, more than ever we have to ride the momentum and shout it out, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I hope we all are out there raising awareness any way we can.

I know some women (and men) don’t feel comfortable speaking out, or maybe they are just too afraid of their ex; i don’t want anyone to do anything that might jeopardize their safety, but there are ways you can speak out anonymously, put posters up raising awareness, post anonymously on the internet and ¬†if you are in an abusive relationship take the steps you can to get out before it is too late.

Please do not excuse the abuse any more, don’t make excuses for him, stop dreaming about the day he morphs back into the man you fell in love with, it isn’t going to happen. Be prepared, admit, if only to yourself; that you are in danger and take notes, tell someone you trust, start journaling, and building your evidence¬†against him; at least if he kills you there is a chance he will pay for his crimes.

The following Huffington Post article is something we should all pass along to as many people as we can, it is sobering and needs to be heard by society worldwide. Please share these true stories of abuse and why these women didn’t “just Leave” here is the link

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/12/why-didnt-you-just-leave_n_5805134.html?ir=Crime

Sorry for the screw up on the original post. I don’t know what happened.

Just In Case You Were Feeling Sorry For Yourself Today

I watched this video today and felt foolish for how I reacted when James and I split. I don’t mean to diminish your pain or mine for that matter. Yes we hurt and we had/have every right to hurt, to be angry, and to complain about how unfair life can be.¬†

But when you watch this beautiful young woman speak, the way her eyes light up, her inner beauty and listen to her attitude about the challenges she has faced, you see what true strength is and realize life isn’t fair. The good guy gets shit on once in a while, for no reason, we can let it eat us up and wear our pain like a badge or we can dust ourselves off and get on with living. I don’t mean you have to pretend you aren’t hurting or “just get over it”, everyone is entitled to how ever long it takes to heal. You have been through hell and back and you deserve your healing time.

What I am talking about is; not letting it define you, knowing that you will heal and your life will go on and it will be up to you how you live the rest of your life. 

Personally, I don’t want to forget James or the hell I went through, I don’t want to dwell in victimhood, I want to be a glowing example of someone who over came obstacles and went on to live a happy productive life. I took 3 years to heal and I don’t deny you your 3 years. I just ask that every day you find one thing to be thankful for and for you to believe you will have your time in the sun and to be happy and loved, especially if you can view your experience as a life lesson that made you a better person, and you take your new knowledge and go out into the world more aware and willing to use your experiences to help others who come behind you.

You don’t have to have a soap box, blog or hold fund raisers for domestic abuse awareness, all you have to do is; when given the opportunity to speak out at the lunch table when people are judging victims, or when you see a woman being abused you reach out to her, or you enlighten some one. You will have the opportunity to change someone’s life if you look for it.

Shake off the shame and embarrassment of having been abused, stand proud and speak your truth, you are no longer a victim, you are a survivor and you are alive and as long as you are alive you can change the world, your world and the world of people you meet day to day.

I think back to the time when I wanted to take my own life, how ridiculous of me, how selfish of me. But I saw no hope, no chance of my life ever being worth living. I let the fear that James was right take hold and it almost won, isn’t that what the devil wants? to rid the world of the kind and caring people?¬†

I am not trying to blow my own horn because there was nothing intentional about my actions, I started the blog for totally selfish reasons. I was desperately reaching out to the infinite internet for someone who would give me a reason to live and I found it coming to me from all corners of the world. I can’t tell you how many people have been helped by that act of desperation. I don’t know exactly when it switched from me needing to me giving; but it is all the same thing really. Every time I help someone I heal a little bit myself because every time I hear “you have really helped me” I have another answer for the question, “Why me?”

This young woman died two weeks after giving this Tedx talk. Watching it made me even more determined to live my life to the fullest and be the best I can be with whatever time I have and even more determined to not let the likes of someone like James steal any more of my precious time/life.

Controversial Topic – Dying With Dignity and Love

 

sunsetRuin

 

I never knew Gillian Bennett, but I have cried buckets the past two weeks thinking about her life and mostly her death and the love that surrounded her death.

I don’t feel sorry for her or her family, don’t get me wrong; I am sorry for their loss but I admire and, yes, envy what she had.¬†

For those of you who don’t know who Gillian Bennett is, she chose to take her own life after being diagnosed with Dementia.¬†

You can read her story at http://www.deadatnoon.com

i am sorry for anyone that gets Dementia, I watched both my grandmothers slowly slip away mentally, it is a painful process for the person afflicted but even more so for the family that loves them. Gillian did not want her family to go through that; she wanted to die with dignity and her family loved her enough to respect and honor her wishes. 

I am not saying everyone with Dementia should kill themselves, I am saying I can totally understand why she did it and I agree with her decision. I listened today to CBC radio interview her son and husband of 57 years. The love in their voices is so evident. I have sobbed every time I listen to them being interviewed or read their story and to be honest I don’t know if I am crying for their loss or because I am feeling sorry for myself.

Isn’t THAT insane? to envy a woman who chose to kill herself because she had dementia?¬†

When I read about her life, (she wrote a 4 page letter that her son posted after her death at her request) I can’t help but admire the life she led. She raised two children who love her dearly, was married 57 years to a man she loved dearly and who loved her just as much. They lived in various countries and retired to Bowen Island off the coast of Vancouver in 1996. She was a stay at home mom who went back to school to become a psychologist because she wanted to have a career to sustain her in case her husband died before her.¬†

When the time came she called her two children and asked them to come for the weekend because on Monday she would be dead by noon. This didn’t come as a surprise to her children because she had discussed it often throughout the years, she had made it very clear she did not want to be a burden to anyone or to slowly become incapacitated. She had no fear of dying but to be a shell of the person she once was did scare her.

Her children came to their parents home on Bowen and spent the weekend walking and talking, saying their final goodbyes knowing the next day their mom would die. On the Monday she woke up with her husband, they had their usual breakfast and went for a walk to her favorite cliff and then they went back to the house and she dragged a foam mattress out to the place she had chosen to die. (she didn’t want her husband to help because she didn’t want him to assist her in anyway)

She had a mild whiskey that she drank after taking whatever the barbiturate was that would kill her; her husband held her hand and she went to sleep. Within 3 minutes she was asleep and within 1/2 an hour there was no sign of life. 

I think about the love her and her husband shared, how hard it must have been for him but he loved her enough to be there and hold her hand, to help her die the way she wanted to die. They had 57 years of love and raised a family together with mutual respect and love. 

That is what love is all about.

By contrast, what James and I had was a pitiful joke. He encouraged me to kill myself and left me to  die alone, and had I not been as good a driver as I was he would have been responsible for my death. When I look back I am embarrassed that I ever considered what he and I had to be love. Not everyone has a love like Gillian and her husband, but to me it is the ultimate, it is what every couple should aspire to.

An excerpt from the CBC article and Gillian’s blog:

“Bennett told her family of her plans but did not allow them to take part. It is a crime in Canada to assist in a suicide.

In her final hours, she wouldn’t allow her husband to drag a mattress to the spot she had chosen to die, worried even that could cause him trouble.

“That pretty much broke his heart, that he couldn’t help her with that. She was pretty frail herself,” Fox said. (Gillian’s daughter)

In her letter, Bennett lamented the law.

“This is all much tougher than it need be on Jonathan, and I wish he did not have to be alone with his wife’s corpse,” she wrote.

“Today, now, I go cheerfully and so thankfully into that good night. Jonathan, the courageous, the faithful, the true and the gentle, surrounds me with company. I need no more.”

“Each of us is born uniquely and dies uniquely. I think of dying as a final adventure with a predictably abrupt end. I know when it’s time to leave and I do not find it scary.”

Gillian Bennett

Playing Russian Roulette With The Devil

russian roulette woman
Lately it seems every time I turn the TV on there is another true murder mystery where the woman was murdered by her significant other. The last two were on 48 Hours a couple of days ago.

One of the cases took 18 years to solve and they still don’t have a body and in another case they had the legs of one victims and just a skull of another.

The circumstances were different in all the cases, one was the wife of a doctor, another was a hooker and the daughter of the woman, the ages varied but there were two glaring similarities in all every single case.

1. In every single case the woman was swept off her feet by the guy and felt she had met her “soul mate”, he was; too good to be true, treated her like a queen and pressured her to commit and move in together or get married quickly. No matter who voiced concerns about it being too soon the woman was convinced she had met the love of her life.

2. They were murdered just before or after maintaining contact with him after leaving the relationship.

Between meeting and separating the scenario is very much like what we have all experienced. Once the man has the woman “hooked” the mask starts to slip. She finds out that he embellished his past, over stated his income, and he doesn’t have the job or the possessions he professed to have. He borrows a bit of money and pays it back but inevitably he borrows a larger sum and never pays her back, she ends up investing more money into the relationship, he feels entitled. They start to fight about money.

The fights escalate, at first it’s subtle put downs, and then the jealousy starts, she becomes more and more isolated, loses more money, and more and more it becomes clear he is not the man she thought he was when she met him and he has lied about almost everything.

In most of the cases the verbal abuse escalated to physical abuse, which also escalated, In only one case did the abuser leave any evidence of abuse such as bruises.

The only way they were able to solve one case was because the woman had started to dig into her husband’s past and was keeping photo’s of her bruises and evidence of his lies. She had all the evidence she had collected hidden in her closet and the police found it.

I don’t want to be melodramatic, I don’t want to make everyone paranoid and fearful but there is a real disconnect happening with the victims of abuse. Victims become desensitized to the abuse, although they know in their heart that being hit, infidelity, jealous rages, porn addiction,  and the head games narcissists play are wrong; they let it continue. I can only think of one reason this happens; denial.

The victims are hooked on the romance and excitement of the fight and then the reconciliation. I remember how it was, we would fight,(it wouldn’t even be something serious enough to fight about but the simplest of discussions could turn ugly before you know what’s happening) he would storm out with his last words ringing in my ears, “That’s it!! I’m done!!”

I would be angry at first (how did a simple disagreement turn into us breaking up?) but as soon as those words came out of his mouth the panic would set in. I would pace, unable to work or think clearly, food would get stuck in my throat, I would cry uncontrollably, then I couldn’t handle it anymore and I would call him, usually he wouldn’t answer or maybe he would call me and I wouldn’t answer but by the end of the day we would make contact of some sort. Aside from when he was in Africa we talked everyday
Whenever we did talk he would use his “soft” voice and ask how I was. I would say not very good and he would ask if I’d eaten. I would so no and he would tell me to meet him or he would pick me up. If I said I wasn’t hungry he would say, “You have to eat”.
When we saw each other he would be loving, call me “Babe”, pull me close, kiss me and say I love you. We wouldn’t talk about the fight I would just be so happy we weren’t fighting.

It was addicting, romantic, when he looked into my eyes and whispered he loved me and pulled me close it was the best feeling in the world. I remember thinking, “As long as I am in his arms, as long as we have “this” we will be ok, I will be ok”.

I knew it was unhealthy, the fights were crazy, nothing was ever resolved, he was doing things I knew no other woman would tolerate and if I had a friend in a relationship like that I would have told her she was crazy (in fact I had on several occasions, my g/f’s boy friends always hated me because I was no-nonsense. They would stand their ground and the guy would say, “You’ve talked to Carrie again haven’t you?”).

He set things up so he could “rescue” me. I got used to ignoring my gut instincts and making excuses for his behavior. The fact that he disabled my vehicles or that I could predict when he would “injure” himself should have had me running for the hills but I started viewing these things as signs that he loved me and didn’t want to lose me; scary thought processes. I also got hooked on solving the mystery, figuring out what he was up to now; it was like living in a game of Clue only he was the only one committing the crime I just had to figure out what exactly he was doing and with who.

Denial was easy really because if I told anyone what I suspected they thought I was crazy, police didn’t believe me, my best girl friend at the time didn’t believe me; she said that any time she heard him talking about me all he did was brag about my cooking and say how much he loved me. She had seen him bringing me home flowers at least once a week

One of the many times we were split and we’d had a huge fight the night before. I went out to go to work in the morning and he is under my truck doing something. I immediately got that feeling in my stomach and asked him what he was doing under there. He climbed out and said something about he thought he saw something hanging down and then he said, “Get in and pop the hood would ya?” I did, and the time I am thinking, “What is he doing, why did I pop the hood.” he fiddled around under the hood for a while and then closed it. I asked what he was doing and I don’t remember what he said now, I knew nothing about mechanical things back then. I have gotten smarter out of necessity.

I pushed the feeling of doom down and we talked, like nothing had ever happened and he said he would call me later. I went to my first job, kinda surprised that my truck didn’t break down. I went to leave my first job and I had no power steering or brakes. It was nothing short of a miracle that it didn’t happen when I was driving because I probably would have had an accident. If it would have let go on a hilly curvy road I could have died. I had a guy check it out for me and he said the brake line had worn through, when I asked him if someone could have done it on purpose he gave me a strange look and I thought, “yeah , I am just being paranoid.”

There was the time we had another huge fight and were still fighting in the morning. He called later that day and asked if I needed anything from the grocery store, I gave him a short list of things we needed. I got home and there was a very sweet loving letter on the table from him saying he wanted Kris and I to go with him to pick up cars and he would buy us supper. It struck me very strange because he had said nothing to me about it on the phone, he hated Kris and Kris hated him and why hadn’t he just called me and asked me to go with him; why would he go back home and leave the letter where he knew I wouldn’t see it until it was too late? A bit later he called and said he didn’t want to come into the park and could I meet him at the gate and pick up the groceries. I thought he meant the gate to the resort so I walked up, he called me pissed off because I was taking so long, I told him I was at the gate and where was he. He was really pissed off and yelled that he hadn’t meant the gate to the resort, he had meant the gate to where he was doing some side work. It was on the other side of the railway tracks and the only thing on the other side was a lumber mill and the river. When I was almost there the train went flying by and I got immediately sick to my stomach. As the train passed I looked across the tracks and saw the bags of groceries by the tracks and him outside his vehicle by the gate which was quite a distance from the tracks. I started putting the groceries into the trunk of the car and he never came to help me, he just stood there watching me with a look that totally nullified the loving nature of the letter he left on the table. When I got home and started putting the groceries away there was absolutely none of the things I had asked for in the bags.

A couple of days later I came home early and could hear him rummaging through the cupboards and throwing things around.

I don’t want to get side tracked and have written about this before, so I’ve put the links to what happened next below if you are interested.

http://wp.me/s1wKh3-ambushed
http://wp.me/p1wKh3-sI
 
http://wp.me/p1wKh3-t1

The point I am trying to make is this;
We get so desensitized to danger and so used to the erratic behavior and mood swings we don’t listen to our nature instincts that are screaming danger!!

Like I have said many times, I am no better than anyone here, in fact probably a lot worse than many people who come here; for being weak and accepting behavior I should have walked away from years before. But I have to point out the dangerous game women play when they keep going back to the narcissist/psychopath. It is like playing russian roulette; how many times can you go back before he cracks. I started praying he would kill me just to stop the madness.

Narcissists are vindictive, they do not own a conscience, and they hate rejection; the perfect traits for a murderer but what do we do? We taunt him, we break up with him, go no contact and he calls and text messages for weeks and either he gives up or we give in. He tells us he loves us, lavishes attention on us and we know in our gut it is wrong but we go back and the abuse starts again and we do the same dance over and over and over with no thought about when he might reach his breaking point.

I am sure these women who were killed by their soon to be ex or ex N didn’t think the meeting was going to end in their murder. In one instance it was their anniversary, they exchanged cards, he spent the night and the next morning stabbed her 37 times.

I watched Sam Vaknin’s video about giving the Narcissist a second chance and he said what I have said all along. They come back to see if they can. If you take them back they won and the mask falls almost immediately and the abuse worse because he knows he has the victim. He has no respect for her whatsoever and views her as weak and he does not respect weakness in the least. He abhors weakness.

If he has to work at winning the victim back, if she has moved on and is doing well without him he takes it as a personal insult; how dare she succeed without him. Then he wins her over to make her pay for insulting him; he sets out to destroy her.

Either way he loathes you and wants to make you pay.

rhaisson pull trigger

Don’t taunt the devil!! Make your break and stay away, go no contact and stay no contact. I consider myself very lucky to have survived all the times I taunted the devil.