Tag Archives: Death

The Blog-Where It’s Going and Where The Hell I’ve Been

I started the blog in 2011 and it’s been my baby ever since. I don’t do things half assed and would absolutely panic if I couldn’t monitor the blog and reply to comments even for one day.

Now I don’t even remember the last time I was here and I feel awful about it and want to bring everyone up to date.

I am hesitant to post about it because I know my ex reads the blog and I know he would get great pleasure from hearing I am not doing well. But to hell with him, I really don’t care what he thinks.

New people to the blog probably don’t know about my health issues and well, even my Facebook friends don’t know the full story.

I had my first heart attack in 2011. I felt great afterwards, went straight back to work and didn’t take my meds or follow any doctor’s orders. I had a business to run, bills to pay, a life to put back together. When I left my ex I left with $5, my dog and my truck. That was it.

I ended up living in a holiday trailer with no running water, no sewer and an extension cord for power. The dogs water dish froze inside the trailer and I slept with my parka and boots on. I didn’t have the facilities to cook proper meals and ate fast food and precooked meals, all high in sodium.

My ex had sabotaged my truck to the point I broke myself trying to fix it. I got a job offer and jumped on it. A couple of months after getting the job I went into heart failure. My ex was making anonymous calls to my boss trying to get me fired and the strata where I lived trying to get me evicted. That was 2013.

This time I was told in no uncertain terms to quit work, take my meds and eat properly etc. I had no choice. By the time I had driven myself to the emergency ward I was so far into heart failure I would have been dead in 24 hours, my lungs were filling with fluid and I was literally drowning.

I had worked long enough to qualify for sick benefits for 4-5 months and then got an office job. I got enough time in there to qualify for unemployment benefits when that company went bankrupt. I had put the last of my retirement funds into purchasing a small cabin and lost that when I could no longer work and was denied disability benefits.

From there I lived in my car for awhile, bought a trailer cheap and fixed it up (had another heart attack while fixing that up) and couldn’t even afford the cost of a campsite for the trailer. Back into my car I went.

In 2016 the cardiologist told me I had to get a pacemaker defibrillator implant and he quadrupled my heart med (carvidelol) . The pacemaker was supposed to take 45 minutes to implant. Four hours later and 3 heart surgeons attempts they could not get the pacemaker wire hooked up and had cut one of my ventricles. I was sent home to heal and they would try again.

That was last winter and I was in horrible pain and was horribly sick for over 6 months. No doctor seemed to take me seriously and I just wanted to die.

I have always told the doctors that my quality of life is more important to me than quantity of life.

Struggling to get by on $610 a month welfare, in excruciating pain that was only bareable if I was laying flat on my stomach.

I went to 5 chiropractors trying to find relief for the pain in my ribs and ended up taking pain med that were bad for my heart and they didn’t even work.

I started to research carvidelol on my own and discovered it can be a miracle drug for some and a death sentence for others. If not properly monitored it can actually damage the heart and cause heart failure.

They tried to hook up the pacemaker again and AGAIN it took 3 cardiologists 4 hours and they still didn’t get it hooked up.

I complained to the doctors at VGH where they did the procedure about my pain and horrible side effects and all they said was it couldn’t possibly be due to anything they had done. Yet I had come out of the anesthetic while they were still working on me and the doctor was pushing on my chest so hard and I was in such pain I tried to climb off the table. They gave me another shot and I was out but now knew how rough they treated me.

They said they wouldn’t try to hook up the wire that way again, there was another, more invasive way they would try next time. One where they go through my ribcage and recovery is 4 times longer.

I told them no one was touching me ever again! ! Any mention of another attempt to hook up that wire literally gives me an anxiety attack.

I finally found a chiropractor (thank God!!) Who was able to get rid of pain. It turns out I have an extra rib and in their attempts to hook up the wire they had moved one of my ribs and irritated an old whiplash injury.

Although I was out of pain I still had terrible side effects and decided to cut back on my carvidilol myself. So what of it was “saving my life” it was a life not worth living.

I had to go to VGH to have the defibrillator checked and mentioned to the technician how horrible I had been feeling and the angel went and got the head of the UBC Heart Function Clinic to come talk to me. It was the first time I felt listened to and he spoke with my mom and I for an hour. I left with the first hope I had felt in over a year.

Long story short; the UBC Heart Function took on my case, changed my meds and I was feeling pretty good. I tried working and collapsed on night last summer while letting Stella out for a pee. Well actually she had woken me up and I assumed she had to pee but in retrospect I think she sensed something was wrong. My defibrillator shocked me and brought me back.

I lost my drivers license for 6 months because of it. UBC read my defibrillator printout and I had 84 “episodes”, 4 shocks, and 1 major heart attack in 6 months.

I am positive that being on the wrong meds and being in such horrible pain for so long has damaged my heart.

My meds were adjusted and I was hopeful. Tried to keep myself positive.

I found a cheap place to live and been here a year but it is just a basement; no kitchen, no real privacy. The owner snoops whenever I go out, and has made a play for me. He’s 20 years my senior!

I have a hot plate to cook on and a bar size fridge, no kitchen sink, a mattress on the floor and it is located in a really hilly area but they allow Stella and the rent is doable. I can’t walk Stella because of the hills and can’t cook proper meals or buy cheap food in quantities because I don’t have a proper fridge.

I have just applied for disability for the 4th time.

I have a partial plate and just before Christmas a tooth in the front broke off. The dentist said I need to have all my teeth extracted and my gums are all infected. Welfare only pays a portion and I can’t afford to pay the difference. Welfare doesn’t care that it is a strain on my heart to fight the infection.

I got the flu on Dec 27th, 2017 which turned into pneumonia and I was flat out on the couch the whole month of January.

The first week of February I went for a checkup at UBC Heart Function Clinic and was told that they have done all they can for me, my only option is a heart transplant. I refuse a heart transplant because I see no point in prolonging a life not worth living. I really don’t want to sound negative and some people want to live no matter what. But living on welfare, always struggling, always broke, not able to eat properly, rotten teeth, living in substandard conditions; is not a life worth prolonging in my mind.

I am hopeful my application for disability will be approved this time. My heart is functioning at below 20%, according to the Nurse Practitioner, “which is barely enough to keep your organs functioning, how much blood and oxygen do they think is getting to your brain in order for you to hold down a job?”

The Heart clinic is transferring my records close to home because they have done all they can.

So…… that is what I have been doing lately. I had to take time to digest the fact that I am not going to be around much longer. I around not afraid of dying and don’t really have any regrets. I have led a pretty great life over all. I have a fantastic son and grand daughter but it is hard to really accept the facts.

I have made arrangements for Stella because she will be lost without me and I really worry about her. My son is grown but I know he’ll miss his momma.

I turn 60 in April and I just feel it’s all gone by too fast! Realistically I know that no one has any guarantees about how long they will live.

I must admit though that I have spent a lot of time staring into space, awake at night, thinking. As much as I tell myself I need to visit the blog, or wash dishes, or get dressed I can waste a day watching mindless TV or on Facebook.

The only way I can describe how I feel is this;

After 10 years with my ex and 8 years trying to recover (5 of which he stalked me and tried everything he could think of to destroy me). Eight years of doctors not listening to me, welfare not listening, always struggling I feel like I am floating in a huge ocean. The ship has gone down, I am alone and panic but tell myself “You can do this. Hang in there. Someone will come along to rescue you.” So I manage to tread water for awhile. A piece of wood floats by so I hang onto it for awhile and don’t have to swim so hard. But eventually it breaks apart and I am treading water again. I see a ship in the distance but it never comes. I get more and more discouraged and hopeless.

I am tired, but I don’t want to spend what time I have left, just treading water. I am going to make some changes to the format of the blog and start to write my book. More on that to come.

Please keep me and Stella in your prayers and if you can see clear to make a donation I would truly appreciate any help I can get towards my dental work.

Talk to you all soon.

Love and hugs 💞❤💕

Another Two Women Dead

I don’t post every time I hear of another woman dying at the hand of the man who vowed to love honor and protect her, if I did, I wouldn’t have time for anything else. But when it is this close to home and this horrendous I have to share as a warning to all women who have ever been or are in an abusive relationship.

I spoke about one murder and a child missing in Calgary Alberta on FaceBook . The woman found murdered was a 30 year old single mother, she was found dead in the home she had moved into May 1st with her 5 year old daughter; and her daughter was not there.

I immediately thought “domestic homicide” but they said the father of the little girl was cooperating with the police. I wasn’t surprised when I heard in later news reports that there had been a history of domestic abuse, reported and unreported.  Maybe the ex will be proven innocent, but I will be surprised and God only knows where the little girl is, the poor little thing.

Prior to this case there was the domestic homicide that occurred Sunday afternoon in Port Moody BC, you can read the story here Port Moody fire. In this case a mother of 6 died in hospital after her husband set the house on fire with 5 of the 6 children in the house. The police were called about domestic violence and arrived to find the house engulfed in flames. The children ranging in age from I think 6-18 managed to escape the house from the second floor with help from the neighbors and the trampoline that was in the back yard. Thankfully the children all got out safely, but they will carry deep scars for the rest of their lives. Their father was taken from the home in handcuffs.

I. Can. Not. Say. It. Enough.

Never. Ever. Underestimate. the Evil. Of. the. Narcissist.

If you are on the internet trying to find answers to why your soul mate turned against you trust that you were involved with someone with issues. A normal person does not do the things a narcissist does. Stop doubting yourself, Stop feeling sorry for him, stop thinking you can fix him, it. Get OUT! protect yourself and your children! NOW!!

By the time you have “proof” he is capable of killing you it will be too late! He is not going to tell you he is plotting to kill you, if you ask him he will call you crazy. You tell other people they will probably say you are crazy. You are not crazy! listen to your gut.

 

Remembering 9/11-Death is Death No Matter When or Where It Happens

I could not let 9/11 slip past without a mention. All those innocent people murdered and it was murder; not just killed, they didn’t just die. They were murdered in cold blood by a psychopath or a group of psychopaths. I am not going to get into conspiracy theories, or who’s to blame or anything like that.

I am just saying that for someone to do what they did they have to be a psychopath, lacking in empathy or a conscience. A psychopath is a psychopath no matter what mask he is wearing at different times. Underneath the mask is someone who can kill in cold blood if the payoff is good enough or if someone stands in the way of what they want.

Whether it is the World Trade Center or your bedroom does not change how dangerous they are. We are all in danger, because they are all around us. I am not being alarmist or extreme, I am telling the truth, which is more than any of them can do! But we can protect ourselves by being aware and not putting ourselves in deliberate harm’s way.

Just remember when he calls next time and he is sweet and loving, how horrible he was to you and how quickly he can do a complete 180, how he can smile to your face and stab you in the back.

You may not feel your situation is of the magnitude that 9/11/2001was but death is death and while you are struggling with accepting the severity of your situation and the fact that your partner is abusive and thus dangerous; you have family members who are worried sick and children who will be motherless if you died. You HAVE to stop being selfish (and you are you know) and think about the people who will suffer and ARE suffering because you can’t face reality.

Oh I know, he probably won’t kill you, not outright anyway. The odds are in your favor, you probably won’t be one of the 4000 women who die annually in the USA alone, at the hands of their significant other.

  • Injury from being battered far exceeds injury from rape, muggings, or car accidents; combined!
  • Worldwide among women aged 15-64 there are more injuries and death due to domestic abuse than from malaria, cancer and car accidents combined.

It is also true that 75% of domestic homicides happen just prior to or just after the victim leaves the relationship; so it is especially important that the victim have a safety plan and NOT go back or have contact with the abuser once she leaves.

I was stupid, and I was lucky to get out alive, I know that now more than ever. I didn’t know the statistics when I was with him, I didn’t know that psychopaths live amongst us, or that they can act and look as normal as the next guy, I thought it happened to “other” people.

Those people who died in 9/11 had no choice, they were not given a warning. They went to work one day expecting to go home that night, never did they envision themselves jumping from a window to their death to escape the inferno enveloping them. But you have been warned, you are aware and you are able to save yourself.

Please, download the safety plan at the top of the blog and plan your escape, speak out, get help, but don’t wait to die, you may not feel your life is worth anything without him but I am here to tell you, IT IS!! and there are people who love you who will tell you that also and who will live the rest of their lives blaming themselves for not doing something, anything, to save you; when it was totally in your control, not theirs.