Tag Archives: denial

Back Again I See

Im back

Hi, so you are back again; it’s been awhile, but I have been expecting you. How did I know you would be back?  because you are like me; I did this for 6 years before I faced the truth. I hope you don’t do it as long as I did, that is why I started the blog, in hopes of saving some people precious time and more damage. But there is no shame in being a slow learner, you won’t hear me criticize you, that would be the pot calling the kettle black.

What happened this time? You caught him with another personal ad? or was it worse, you caught him with another woman. Or did he stay out all night or disappear for a few days and refuse to answer his phone? Or did you plan for days to have a talk with him about something, plan your words ever so carefully only for him to blow up at you and call you a selfish, paranoid bitch and blame you for everything and a simple conversation ended with him storming out the door as he spit out that it was over, YOU really did it this time!! He wants out!!

I know

It has been many years now for me, but I remember those days well. Oh boy do I! Initially I would be so angry I would be relieved he was gone, but it wouldn’t take long and his words would sting, the tears would sting my eyes and the self doubt would start. I would start to shake, I would go over my words, how had such a well planned conversation turned so ugly, how could he misunderstand what I was saying and twist my words like that. I never even got out what I wanted to say and he had me so confused and flustered I stumbled over my words and forgot everything I wanted to say. I hadn’t been angry, I was trying to figure out how to make things better and next thing I knew he was screaming at me and I was crying and screaming back and it all got so out of control and hate filled. I said things I didn’t mean and he wouldn’t stop badgering me and I lost it. I never used to lose it like that, I have always been calm and rational; why do I lose control like that with him?

I would try to call him, he wouldn’t answer, I would panic, maybe this time he really meant it, maybe this time it really was over. I would pace the floor, unable to eat, work, sleep, needing to talk to him, to fix things, to make it right again, have him love me again. But he wouldn’t answer his phone and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it, everyone was sick of hearing about it and I always went back.

I would run to the internet. There weren’t near as many sites back then but I would devour any information I could find, spending hours confirming it wasn’t me. It was easy because he fit every description of a narcissist I read, I would print out the list of traits and even highlight sections with yellow, orange, and green nodding my head in agreement, even talking to myself out loud, “Omg! that is US!! I would print off that section and reread it over and over. It comforted me, I could tell myself I was better off without him. Sometimes I would even comment, describing how cruel he was and everyone would tell me no contact was the only way to get over him. I would tell myself, right! no contact! I never want to talk to him again! He’s an asshole, I don’t need him, he is sick, he is a narcissist!! look at all the traits you ticked off the list that he has!! You are SO much better off without him. I could keep it up for a few days, until the phone rang and I would jump 3 feet in the air and pray it was him. I answer and be cool, I was just going to see what he wanted, what lies he was going to tell me this time. I knew what he was now and I could be strong.

But he would be using his sweet voice, call me “Baby”, and ask how I was. He would say he missed me, i would say, “You really hurt me this time James.” and he would say he was so sorry, and in a whispered voice say he loved me. To hear those words would be like cooling salve on a burn, my resolve would leave me, I could feel the wave of relief wash over me, he still loved me.

He would ask to come over and I would try to be strong but I knew the battle was lost, all I wanted was to make love to him and we would be back together. The highlighted lists would be put away, the websites forgotten and I would convince myself that, “Yes, he had a lot of the traits but he would never cheat on me, we were different; we had a special love, stronger than what those other women had with their men. They don’t understand because they have never loved like this. When two people love each other as much as James and I love each other, it is stronger than both of you, you don’t just walk away from a love like that. And I knew, when I looked in his eyes, when his mouth was on mine and his strong hand held mine, when he picked me up and packed me into the bedroom; that I could never love anyone like I loved him and I knew he felt the same. It scared him, that is why he tried to sabotage it, it was so intense it was almost more than either one of us could handle. But I was not giving up on him, on our love.

I even went years not looking on the net, I totally forgot about him being a narcissist because for one, he could be really sweet at times, I knew he loved me and I thought it was his fear of getting hurt that made him act the way he did. He went years without hitting me also, I still didn’t know at that time what gas lighting was or that someone can destroy your soul and never touch you physically. I still thought my truck breaking down was God’s way of keeping us together. And there was always some good reason to stay until the present trauma or drama calmed down. I remember praying to God, more like bargaining with God, “If you let him get off this time (when he was caught with all the stolen cars) I will stay with him.” He got off. Or I would pray that God would open James heart and eyes and know how much I loved him and he would come and apologize. Or I would ask for a sign telling what to do and my truck would break down or James would get sick or injured and I would nurse him back to health.

I convinced myself that he would never really do anything about the personal ads, he just needed to know he could get another woman if he wanted to, he was just afraid that I might leave him. So I set about showing him how much I loved him, whether he said it back or not, I would say I love you. I would vow to not get angry and only see the good things he did, praise him when he did well and be grateful, appreciative, and show him how much I loved him. I didn’t need him to come to bed every single night, I told him even 3 nights a week would make me happy. Then of course he made sure he didn’t come to bed. God forbid Carrie would be happy!! I paid my own way for everything and even paid his way for most things and if he needed money I gave it freely, money had always been an issue with us and I was not going to allow it to drive a wedge between us. I hadn’t worked for a couple of years and I had been reliant on him, once I started hauling scrap I made sure to not be a burden on him and the last two years I went too far the other way, paying for everything and he was stealing off my truck but I told myself we were a couple, what was mine was his and I shouldn’t worry about only my end of things. I told myself that when it came time that I needed help he would come through. OK, ok I already said I was in denial, stop laughing!!

I did not say anything bad about him to anyone, I know how a person can get in a bad habit of finding fault with a partner, it becomes habit to bitch about them, and I had decided to stick it out, no point in bitching about him. I loved him warts and all and I had given up fighting it. I was going to love him to the best of my ability and do everything I could to prove how much I loved him whether he accepted it or not. It was all I could do, I had tried leaving, I had tried reasoning with him, explaining, getting angry, and none of it had worked so I gave myself permission to just love him with every fibre of my being. It felt good to love someone that much, so much that you stopped demanding respect, stop worrying about whether you were getting equal back, to just love someone totally without reservation or expectations, to just accept each day and what he gave me that day. But it was killing me and he didn’t appreciate it, he loathed me for it. it made him sick, the more i loved unconditionally the more he hated me and the looked at me with hatred in his eyes. The more he rubbed my nose in the fact that he had other women.

And that is when he said it was over and I knew he meant it, I knew in my gut it was truly over and I left. a shell of the person I had once been. And I ran back to the internet, dug out those old highlighted lists and consoled myself with the fact that he was a narcissist. And this time he had all the traits, he had cheated on me, we didn’t have anything special, our love wasn’t stronger than those other couples. All victims of an N are the same, we all go through the same denial, magical thinking, searching for answers and not liking the answers we find.

This might not be the time you face the truth, you might have to do this a few more times, hey! I totally understand and don’t judge you for it. Just know you are always welcome back, we are here waiting, and when you really face the truth we will give you a virtual shoulder to cry on and hand to hold.

But, from one slow learner to another; get out sooner than later; please. And when you are thinking about going back; come back here I’ll be waiting.

Rather Interesting Observation of Victim’s Slow Acceptance

broken merry go round

I check my stats daily, usually at the end of the day, and it shows me my blog activity, (this is where I can see IP #’s and cities etc. It doesn’t give me any names or exact locations, I have to do some detective work to figure all that out; but it does give me the city, how many times that IP number visited and what pages they visited. Most larger cities of course could quite feasibly have several people from that city visit the blog in a day but a small town is not likely to have more than one person at a time coming to my blog.

I will notice all of a sudden a city, has one hit after another on my blog, some body from a city has visited a dozen or more times in a day. It will go like that for several days, 2-3 or more sometimes, you can tell they are reading everything they can get their eyes on, sitting on the computer well into the wee hours of the morning, sleep for a few hours and they are right back at it the next day. I can envision the victim, for the first time finding answers as to why her partner acts the way he does, astonished that this is a condition, a personality disorder and she is NOT to blame.

I used to do the exact same thing. I had heard of narcissists long before I ever left JC. I used to get rejected by him, be heart broken and go running to Google how he treated me. It would always come up with Domestic Abuse. I would think, I am not interested in domestic abuse, I want to know what is going on with James. And then I found a site that talked about narcissists and I read the list of traits (there wasn’t much on them 13 years ago) and think yeah, well, he does have a lot of the traits but he would never be unfaithful, or he would never sabotage me or slander me, we are different then these couples, he really loves me, I am special, these other women don’t understand because they have never been in love like James and I are. No one could love someone as much as I love James.

After a particularly bad fight where he said really awful things and told me it was over and stormed out I was totally broken hearted, we went several days not talking and I sat there devouring all the information I was reading, printing it off, highlighting the parts that applied to us and validating myself. I would feel so much stronger, I knew the truth and NOW I could walk away. I would be determined to be strong this time if he ever showed up again, which I thought was unlikely seeing the way he stormed off and isn’t answering my calls. I would buoy myself up, I would be sure he was a narcissist and then……….. he would show up somewhere or call and sound so loving, so sad, saying he missed me, or ask if we could talk, I would pretend that my heart wasn’t racing and my stomach was sick with butterflies but I wasn’t fooling anyone; I was so happy he called. I would try to be distant and cool, but he would touch my hand, say a few choice words he knew I longed to hear, stare into my eyes and whisper he loved me and call me Babe and I would feel my resolve melt away. I was putty in his hands.

Until the next time, and there always was a next time. I would be back on the net looking for answers, I would devour all the info I could find; talking to the computer screen, “yeah! that’s what he did to me!” “Now it all makes sense” , “I am done with him this time.” “Now I have the answers I will never go back.” I would talk to a friend or my mother, show them what I had found and be so excited to finally have answers, tell them, that is it, I am done, I will never see his narcissistic ass again; until he called.

It went that way for years. Maybe once every year or two I would end up on the net validating myself and feeling in control and strong for a few days but when he called it all went out the window.

I see it from other victims now, two or three days they are devouring my blog, and then he calls or shows up at the door and her resolve goes right out the window and she forgets all about all the signs he is a narcissist. Back on the roller coaster she goes for another ride around hell’s half acre until he discards her again and then out of total despair she will go searching the net. Round and round  we go, when will it stop? nobody knows.

Deny Deny Deny

broken hearts hut

 

My son and I were talking while we were driving (me nonstop, it is my job to keep him awake) and I was telling him about the Oscar Pistorious case and how insane it is that he got off. My son has guns and he said too; who shoots through a closed bathroom door, when their girlfriend is not still in bed especially? He said something I hadn’t thought of before. A person is most vulnerable if they go looking for the intruder, which is true. If you think there is an intruder you are better off to pick a location where no one can come up behind you, position yourself and wait. That way you have the element of surprise on your side, you are ready and braced. Especially Pistorious, with no legs, he would have been much safer had he stayed in the bed and waiting until whoever was in the bathroom to came out and anyone who had taken any kind of gun training would have been taught that. ANYONE who has taken shooting lessons or ever even talked to someone who shoots guns knows you do not shoot blindly, like we have all heard in the movies, “Wait until you see the whites of their eyes and then shoot.”

Then I thought of a case locally where a guy got pulled over and the cops found a bunch of high power guns in the vehicle, ammunition, flack jackets, etc and there were two guys in the vehicle with him.The news report said that he told the police he was heading to check out property that was for sale in the area and he had no idea where the guns came from and he didn’t know who those two guys in the car with him were. He didn’t know what they were doing in the car or where they came from. The cops know he knows who was in the car with him and they know he knew there were guns in the car but what can they do if he denies it? If someone denies, denies, denies, you give up. What can you do? I remember having hard evidence, even pictures or letters in his own writing and the wospos would deny it. Either he would deny it or not remember doing it.

He didn’t remember joining dating sites or writing the woman in Africa and telling her he was bringing her to Canada. Eventually the other person ends up getting so frustrated at the total insanity of the situation they just give up the battle. The victim gives up arguing about other women, personal ads or whatever else the N is doing because they know they won’t get anywhere with the N., yet they refuse to walk away because they want the N to admit it. The victim starts to doubt themselves because the N is so adamant in his denial, a normal person, once cornered by hard evidence will buckle and confess, but not the N. He will get even more adamant he is innocent. We want to believe he wouldn’t do it, we don’t want to falsely accuse him, we want there to be some reasonable excuse or at the very least a promise he won’t do it again so we let it slide and tell ourselves, “If I ever catch him again it is over. Or we excuse his actions and tell ourselves it was not that bad but if he ever ……………… (fill in the blanks, with me I excused the personal ads because he wasn’t actually SEEING any of them but the first time I catch him dating one of them I am out of there). We start bargaining with our own sense of right and wrong, we start blurring the lines of our boundaries.

It’s one thing to catch your partner cheating and they admit it and you catch them again, you have a right to be angry and hurt, if they are all decent they say they are sorry even if they aren’t. But with a narcissist, they refuse to acknowledge what they have done, denying you your anger and hurt. Then on top of it all they criticize you for “always being angry” or “always crying” and the victim ends up feeling totally helpless and frustrated with no outlet for their emotions. In order to survive they bury their feelings and shut down.

I had shut down the last couple of months, I couldn’t react when he didn’t come home, his sister who was living with us would say, “Aren’t you mad? I would be furious!” and I just said,”There’s no point.” I had given up. Once you give up it is so much harder to recover because you have so much pain buried and as you heal more appears. It seems like you will never heal, just when you start to feel even a little bit normal something throws you back into the pit of despair and you feel you have made no progress whatsoever. Do not lose hope, you ARE making progress.

In self-preservation your mind blocked much of the abuse. Our minds can handle only so much pain and once it reaches its limit it stops acknowledging it, it is either that or go insane and have a total break down. As you heal your mind brings up the stuff you had buried so you can process it and heal that hurt. When that hurt is healed, more will surface for you to deal with. You will find every time this happens you feel a little lighter than before. The bouts of anxiety become fewer and less severe until you stop being triggered and you no long even look in the pit of despair, it is empty.

Human’s have an amazing ability to heal themselves, cut the human skin and it bleeds, a person can have a huge gaping hole or broken bone on their body and as long as it is cared for, kept sterile, and protected with a bandage or cast and allowed to heal before using it again (ie, not walking on a broken leg too soon) the body will rejuvenate the skin to cover the wound, a bone will knit together again, and in many cases the spot of the injury is even stronger than it was before and over time the scar even fades.But often times the healing process is painful also. Have you ever noticed that an injury is always more painful about 3 days after you get it, it hurts the most when it starts to heal, or if you get a cold or flue it always gets worse before it gets better? So it is with a broken heart, give your heart time to heal, know that it is going to hurt, healing hurts, growth hurts but you will heal if you are patient and take care of your heart, let it heal before you use it again and just like with a broken bone, take it easy for a while. You wouldn’t take your cast off your leg and go jogging, don’t jump into another relationship right away and expect your heart to withstand the pressure, it is going to be tender for a while and easy to rebreak.

Don’t deny your pain, don’t try to hide it, don’t listen to the people who tell you to “get over it” , “forget him and move on” ; to ignore or deny your pain will only bury it and it WILL resurface at some point, probably at a very inappropriate time so might as well deal with it now.

There is no shame in hurting,broken bones heart

the N might have denied your pain,

your friends may deny your pain,

YOU are the only one who knows

what your heart feels,

don’t deny it’s right to heal.