Tag Archives: divorce

Heart Breaks Do Heal

When the victim is leaving or has been dumped for the umpteenth time by the narcissist they feel like they can’t go on, won’t survive the pain.

I know I am not alone when I say I felt like I just wanted to die, life was not worth living. I literally had nothing to live for and no hope of ever changing my bleak future.

As my ex had told me, “No man is ever going to want a psycho, paranoid, whining, suicidal bitch like you anyway”

And I don’t share this video in order to make you think your happiness resides in meeting another man and falling in love.

My point in sharing is to say, what seems hopeless, and what feels like the end to you ever being happy again is just one door closing, a door that needed to close in order for you to find your true self and real happiness.

What you think is a perfect fit and what you thought was your future will seem rediculous a few years from now.

So many victims lament that they want to be their “old self”, happy go lucky, niave, innocent, confident, but don’t know how now that they have known true evil.

You can’t go back, nor should you. You wouldn’t have even gotten into that mess, or stayed if there wasn’t something in you that needed fixing.

I believe we should all spend our whole life learning, growing and trying to be our best selves. I don’t think it is a goal we can ever attain.

Anyway, this woman tells a great story I think any divorcing woman can relate to or anyone who can look back to a time they had lost all hope. We never know what the future holds.

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An Excellent Article On Infidelity

I came across this article today and thought it was well worth sharing. It is not specifically about narcissists but many of the questions are ones asked by the victims of narcissists and the answers are spot on to what I have said in reply to those same questions.

Over the course of my 15 years as a private investigator specializing in infidelity, I have dealt with thousands of cases. Many of my clients ask the same questions when they first come to see me. Even though every case I deal with is unique, it seems that the pain and rejection experienced by my clients unites them. The questions are still as heartfelt as the first time I took on a case of discovering infidelity, and my answers are built up for many years of experience.

1. If he wants her so much why does he stay with me?
Because he wants her as well as you. If he’s fallen head over heels in love with this woman and he can’t live without her then he might leave you for her, as some men do. The ones who don’t are just plain greedy.

2. Is it wrong to have him watched if I suspect he’s having an affair?
Absolutely not. Don’t ever feel guilty about protecting yourself. As his wife you have every right to know what he’s doing with your health, finances and emotions.

3. Why does he keep doing this to me? 
They keep doing it because they know (from experience) you will forgive them. Often women who are married to serial cheaters will scream and shout at their partner if they discover he has been cheating, but ultimately they don’t take any action.

Remember you can’t keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. If you’re not prepared to up the ante, then expect to continue living a life of emotional turmoil.

4. He’s lied so much to me. How can I ever trust what he says again?
To learn to trust someone again is extremely hard, and in some cases impossible. It is such an individual choice, and only you will know if you feel truly comfortable with what is being said and done. There’s no quick fix for infidelity. In fact, it can take literally years to restore trust.

Many men believe that once they have confessed, that should be the end of the matter. Unless you know that you’ve been heard on all levels and your partner has understood the gravity of his immaturity and the choices he’s made, then you’ll never get over his infidelity.

5. I know he’s having a relationship, but is it sexual?
Of course it’s sexual. It doesn’t matter if it’s looking at pornography, chatting with other women online, or physically having an affair, because in the end it is a desire for sex. If it was all so innocent then the only question you would have to ask your partner would be, “Would you do any or all of these things with me present?”

When you ask the question “Is it sexual?” what you’re doing is trying to justify your partner’s deception and to minimize your own emotional anguish.

6. Is it my fault?
How can it be your fault if you didn’t know it was happening?

Your husband may have tried to shift the blame onto you by saying if you were only more attentive, less busy, etc., he would never have done this. But for every action there is a reaction, so he should take responsibility for his actions.

7. I think my husband’s having an affair but he’s home every evening, so how can he be?
Many affairs are conducted during the day, mostly when both parties are married and going out in the evening would arouse suspicion. Many of my clients seem to think affairs are about long afternoons together, but in my experience they’re much more likely to be quickies during the day because remember, time isn’t the issue here; it’s all about sex.

8. Why won’t he tell me the truth? That’s all I ask.
In majority of cases, his lies are to avoid having to face your anger and hurt if he tells you the truth. He hopes that denying it will make it go away and you’ll give up asking. He lies to protect his ego and often to protect the other woman, fearing that you will use the information to undermine him or her. And finally, he may fear that the truth will damage his image in the eyes of others.

9. Do I need to prove the identity the other woman now that adultery is no longer grounds for divorce?
Initially, needing to know has nothing to do with money and everything to do with uncovering deceit. Uncovering emotional deceit often leads to uncovering financial deceit. That’s when needing to know has everything to do with money and divorce settlements.

10. Should I stay for the children?
Children easily pick up on tension at home and can blame themselves for what’s going on. If you choose to stay and try to rebuild your relationship, you will both need to agree how this can be achieved without causing trauma for the children. From a child’s point of view, one happy parent is always better than two warring parents.

11. When I say I’m going to leave, why does my partner not take me seriously?
Because you didn’t leave. Threats without action are worth nothing.

The Perfect Woman For A Narcissist

narcissist-needs

I have always thought JC found the perfect woman for him when he found M, What kind of woman is perfect for a narcissist?

Well lets go over some of the traits:

#1- Widowed – THIS is huge!! especially if she married her high school sweetheart. Why is this such a big thing? because if she was happily married and never been through a divorce she has only positive memories of being with a man, she doesn’t have any baggage from infidelity etc so she is not suspicious. She has never been through the division of property, dealing with lawyers, arguments about who gets what so she is not apt to be as on guard or protective of what she has. When the N`s ex gets angry and maybe makes a scene she can not possibly relate to her behavior and believes him when he says his ex is a psycho. If she was a happily married housewife all the better, he can slide into the role of “husband” easily all he has to do is impersonate all the good qualities of her deceased husband, lay it on thick about how he can’t believe his good fortune to have found such a perfect woman who will save him from his psycho ex and then add in some extras, such as ; with her he wants to be home all the time, he never did with any of his ex`s, with her he holds her all night and with his ex`s he always rolled over, she is so understanding and such a special woman she has changed him from the man he used to be, he never wanted to marry anyone before but he will even cough up for a wedding ring for this one. (if he doesn`t just use the one she wore with her husband). He will go on and on about her abilities as a house wife, how she manages money, how she cooks better than any of his ex’s, how she always has supper ready for him, not like all the others. Later he can use it to hurt her by pointing out how naive she is, not worldly like his ex`s, she doesn`t understand the ways of the world and real relationships.

2 – Independently wealthy. A widow is perfect, the life insurance has enabled her to buy a house, have investments she lives off of and never have to work for the rest of her life. This is good for several reasons; Narcissists are high maintenance, they feel they are above menial tasks such as picking up behind themselves, taking out the garbage or any other normal household duties. It is a full time job just taking care of a narcissist. The narcissist is controlling and jealous, if the woman isn’t working then she is easier to control and she is less likely to meet another man and leave the N and less likely she will have a girl friends who would advice her to leave him. The narcissist doesn’t like to share so if she has her own expenses covered he is free to spend his money as he wishes. He will also expect that she spend her money on him. This is the one area there could be trouble. Later if she starts to run low on money and refuses his demands for more money he will call her selfish, tell her she has never worked and has no idea how tough it is, he will tell her she is spoiled and unrealistic, they are a couple and if he had money he would spare it with her. That she must not really love him because if she did, what is hers would be his and she would want him to be happy.

3 – Unable to have children. This is a big one also because the narcissist needs to be put first at all times and will get extremely jealous of any attention shown anyone else including his own children. If the woman can’t have children she is more able to cater to his every whim. And later its something he can rub in her face, that he would have loved to have children  but she couldn`t have them and so he is deprived.

4 – She has no career aspirations and has never held a job. The narcissist must be the top priority in the woman’s life, a career woman has too many distractions to keep a narcissist happy for long, he may like the money and the prestige that comes with a career woman but he won’t like her not being there 24/7 for him. He wants her along every where he goes, he wants the house spotless and he wants supper ready when he walks through the door, no matter what time he walks through the door. Later he can tell her she is boring, is out of touch with the real world and lacking in intelligence and drive and mention often how he admires a working woman who is independent. When she complains that he never takes her any where any more he can roll his eyes and say that she needs to get a life, it isn`t up to him to entertain her, he hates clingy women.

5 – A woman who believes the man is the head of the household and makes all the decisions for both of them. With a narcissist there is no “partnership” or joint decisions. He must make all the decisions and she should always think they are good decisions and if she doesn’t, keep her damn mouth shut. Narcissist’s aren’t known for making wise choices most of the time because they act on a whim, they want immediate gratification with no thought of consequences or repercussions. When things blow up the woman will be expected to clean up the messes he makes and that’s where that inheritance money comes in handy.

6- Naive – M was raised by very strict European parents and led a sheltered life. It is much easier for a narcissist to pull the wool over her eyes and get away with his lying, criminal activity etc if she believes every word he tells her. She is more apt to be impressed with his tails of adventure and living life on the edge. Later he can get exasperated because he is used to women who are much more worldly.

7 – Doesn’t even have Facebook or use the internet. This is excellent!! He is then free to lead his second life on the net without having to concern himself with her discovering his infidelity and sexual fetishes.

8- She has elderly parents with money. Can we say “inheritance“, “personal loans“ the son they never had? He will move in and become the doting son-in-law, helpful, so grateful for the kind of family he never had. He will drop his own family and adopt hers, telling them tales of woe about how his family is never there for him, his horrible upbringing, or in JC`s case, how close he was to his dad, how he misses the family farm and his father who died several years ago. M`s father will feel sorry for him and before he knows it JC will be a fixture around the place, eager to please, “helping`clean up the property and clean out the bank account.

9- Not very attractive, rather plain and dowdy. She is not used to men complimenting her, tell her how sexy she is, so when he can`t get enough of her and goes on and on about how attracted to her he is she will soak it up like a dry sponge. Later, once he has her and wants to make her feel insecure he will stop complimenting her and start talking about how attractive his ex`s were or that woman who just started at work; but she`s not his type, he likes plain women. Later he will leave pictures of beautiful women out where she can find them and pictures of his ex`s so she can feel inferior because he has lost interest in her.

10 – No ex husband to get in the way or make him look bad. At first he will be so empathetic about her husband dying and how well she did on her own but later he will be subtly critical of her husband and will use the fact that she already buried one husband and won`t want to lose him to manipulate her.

When it all falls apart, when his mask falls she will have spent a large portion of her money and will want to recoup her losses and will stay because he knows he won`t pay her if they split. She has so much invested she feels she has nothing more to lose and surely he will come to his senses soon if she just hangs in there. She asks him to leave and he refuses but there is nothing she can do because they have been living common law long enough that the police won`t get involved unless he hits her, but if she charges him for domestic abuse he might lose his job and she won`t get her money. Besides, she does love him, she just wants the man she fell in love with back.

He will start pressuring her to get a life insurance policy and write up a will in case she dies because after all he has a life insurance policy payable to her if he dies. (I never saw the policy but he had one payable to me also and wanted me to take out insurance payable to him if I died, HA!! not bloody likely sunshine!!)

They could last quite a while as long as she never makes any demands, never gets sick, never expects him to pay his way or share expenses, as long as the money lasts, as long as her parents don`t need her, and as long as she never has an opinion different from his, and as long as she doesn`t cry and get upset when he starts having personal ads and dating other women. (because it will happen, the N can not stay faithful forever he needs new supply and to fulfill his sexual fantasies). As long as she never makes demands sexually, or wants him to say I love you, and doesn`t expect honesty or for him to keep a job longer than a few months and as long as she doesn`t say anything when he breaks the law.

But he will discard her someday any way because he will find her boring and not attractive enough, and he will need the excitement of a new conquest, he might keep her on the back burner just to make sure he gets every penny she has and destroys her emotionally and financially or kills her for the life insurance money and the inheritance.