Leaving a narcissist is seldom the end of the abuse; in fact, quite often a whole new, covert and dangerous form of abuse starts.
Stalking and Slander!
A narcissist is never happy to just walk away from a relationship. Even if it is his idea he will slander the victim and try to destroy their reputation and ability to recover and move on. Why does he want to destroy the victim? Because narcissists are nasty like that. It’s just the way they roll. You can not break up with a narcissist and remain friends no matter what he may tell you.
If you break up with him it can be so much worse. A narcissist really hates rejection, no matter how badly he treated you; you have no right to leave him.
It is totally unrealistic and irrational for him to think he can abuse you physically and/or verbally, financially, mentally and you will just stay for more of the same but that is exactly what he expects. It makes no sense that he thinks he can threaten you and you shouldn’t call the police.
Narcissists think they are above the laws everyone else have to abide by.
Are you paranoid or over reacting to fear for your safety after ending a relationship with a narcissist?
If you mention to your friends and family your ex is threatening you they may poo poo you. Unless they have been through it a person can not possibly relate and it does sound bizarre.
First, let’s clear up any misconceptions you may have about narcissists. There is one trait that is shared by the most dangerous personality disorders; psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists, that no other disorder displays and that is; no conscience. No guilt, no remorse, no empathy.
There is no person on the earth more dangerous, unpredictable and vengeful than a Anti-social Disordered person. Under the classification of Anti-social Personality Disorder falls; psychopath, sociopath and narcissist. The differences between those 3 are so insignificant even professional psychiatrists often can’t tell one from the other. But it isn’t necessary because you only have to know; they are extremely dangerous and should not be taken lightly.
Don’t ever under estimate the vindictiveness or viciousness of a narcissist.
OK. With that cleared up what do you need to be aware of or how can you protect yourself?
He IS going to slander you, that is pretty well guaranteed so you would be wise to advise people like employers, family and friends ahead of time. He will try to get you evicted and fired, be prepared.
I made the conscious decision to start this blog and thus revealing my identity and speak out about my experiences with a narcissist. There have been times I regretted that decision and wish I would have done it under a pseudonym but then I thought my speaking out publicly might just save my life too. It was unlikely my ex would do me harm if I had a blog talking about the abuse, he would be the first suspect. That did not protect me from vicious slander and him trying to ruin my reputation and any chance I had of recovering and living in comfort in the future.
I knew he was reading my blog and he tried to discredit me by leaving comments but I blocked him, he then tried under different email addresses and names so I got an IP Tracker for free, StatsCounter .
I was then able to track every visitor to my blog and their IP #, exact location, what post they visited, time they visited etc. It only covers 500 visits for free but for under $10 a month I was able to track many more. (this app proved to be priceless and helped me to help many people)
My ex even tried to have me charged with inciting violence against him because of my blog. He didn’t know where I was living so he had the cops call my 80 year old mother. Of course she panicked. It had been long enough I no longer panicked, sure there was that familiar tightening in my gut but I told myself to stay calm and I called the cop back.
You see, the narcissist has us so brainwashed into thinking we have no control over our life that we get stuck in victim mode. I started viewing things in a “what CAN I do” mind set instead of a “I have no control” mindset. First I went through my blog looking for anything I might have said that could be construed as inciting violence and could find nothing. Then I honestly evaluated my purpose for having the blog and I was NOT doing it to get revenge, if I was I would have used his full name etc, how could my blog be in revenge if it didn’t show up in a Google search of his name?
Once I was sure of my position and motives I called the cop. First I made him promise to not give my location or phone number to my ex and then we started to talk. I didn’t once say anything about what my ex had done to me, I didn’t try to blame my ex because that would have sounded like I was seeking revenge and I know from past experience that people shut down as soon as you start talking about abuse. Instead I asked what I had done wrong and what my rights are. I asked the cop to give me the title of the offending post and I would change it. I heard the cop shuffling through papers, I asked if he had tried to find my blog by Googling my ex’s name, he didn’t answer me. Then he read me a paragraph I recognized that said my son would hunt my ex down if any harm ever came to me. It was a post about a letter I had received from my ex stating that he would do whatever necessary to protect his new relationship. A veiled threat if I ever heard one. I had said that if anything ever happened to me the police and my son would be looking for my ex because he is the only one who has ever been abusive to me. I asked the cop why that was inciting violence against my ex when I clearly stated the only way my son would go looking for him would be if something happened to me. He couldn’t really give me an answer to that either. He said there might be a whacko out there who decided to kill my ex just because he read my blog and thought he deserved it and then it would be my fault.
I asked, “So you are saying that I cannot speak about my personal experiences just in case there is a weirdo out there who somehow is going to figure out my ex’s name, because I only ever use his first name and there must be millions of guys named that same name and then this whacko is going to somehow figure out what town my ex lives in and hunt him down and kill him? Do you know the odds of that happening??” He said I should not be using my ex’s first name regardless. I said ok, but even if I call him Bob my friends would know it was him because I have never been with anyone abusive before or since, so it really make no difference what name I use. We have no mutual friends, if any of his friends are reading my blog it is because he gave them the link.
Finally I said, I have no intention of taking the blog down so just tell me what I need to do to be legal.
The cop said, “You know most victims of abuse who are afraid of their abuser try to avoid making him angry and just want to get as far away as possible and not draw his attention.”
I responded with enthusiasm, “Exactly right! and the reason domestic abuse continues is …..”
The cop finished my sentence with me, “because victims are silent because they are afraid of their abuser.”
I knew then that I had gotten to him, he understood. I continued to explain, “When I was in the middle of it I made a promise to myself and God that if I ever found my way out of it I would speak out for the rest of my life in hopes I saved even one other woman from going through what I was going through. So you need to tell me how I can do that without breaking the law.”
The cop’s whole demeanor had changed and he said, “I don’t really know, no matter what he has a right to privacy.”
I said, “I agree totally. But can you tell me where is my right to share my personal experience?”
He said, “Look just don’t use his name, say “My ex” and that is all you can do. I just don’t want to have to deal with Mr. (my ex) any more.” I knew my ex must of been driving this poor cop crazy crying about being a victim of MY abuse.
The last 1/2 hour of our conversation was about our dogs, my life now, his marriage and years on the force. He said, “You sound like a really nice lady.” and wished me well and I thanked him and that was the last time my ex has made an appearance in my life. I still watch my back and don’t trust that he won’t at some point try to make trouble in my life. I know that if the opportunity presents itself he will jump on it to do me harm. The more you thwart a narcissist’s attempt to destroy you the angrier he gets and the more it becomes an obsession for him.
You can not trust anyone who stays friends with both of you. If a friend is a friend of his they are not a friend of yours, trust me!! I thought I could stay friends and soon found out that they were telling him stuff about me, even if they never meant to cause me harm and were even defending me; any information getting back to the narcissist is not going to be good for you. I had stayed in contact with my ex’s step dad, he had loaned me money to leave my ex and was always very supportive of me. I had moved onto my brother’s boat after my ex found me the last time and no one knew where I was except those closest to me until I got a call from my ex father-in-law. In the course of the conversation he asked where I was living now and against my better judgment I told him and he asked where exactly was the marina, and against my gut telling me to shut up, I told him. After I got off the phone I knew I had been stupid.
Two days later I took Stella for her morning pee at 5 am. and coming around the corner was a semi exactly like the semi my ex used to own. It came straight towards Stella and I and I froze and grabbed Stella, but I didn’t have my contact lens in and couldn’t see the driver clearly. The semi stopped, backed up (the marina was at the end of a dead end street and there was no need for a semi to be coming down that far, in fact it made it hard for him to turn around) and left, but he waved first.
After that I had a drone outside my window 5 minutes before I was to be interviewed on talk radio via Skype. My laptop crashed, never to work again but the interview went ahead on my cell phone. Within a week I was being investigated by welfare and there were numerous complaints filed against me at the marina anonymously. I was in my boat one day with all the curtains closed (after the drone incident I kept my curtains closed) and could hear a car horn honking for the longest time. I wondered who it was and who they were honking at so I peeked out my window and there, right across from the boat on the roadway was my ex in his girlfriend’s car. When he saw me looking he waved and drove off. Just his way of saying I know where you are and I can get you. People still said I was being paranoid so I went looking on line in my ex’s stuff and sure enough he had posted pics of his new semi he had just bought, exactly like his old one. And guess who had been taking pictures at a marina and had just bought himself a drone?
Do you realize how easily a tracking device can be installed on your vehicle? It attaches with a magnet and is so tiny unless you are looking for it you would never know it was there. Mine was discovered by a mechanic who just happened to know what it was. How about hacking into your cell phone? All he has to do is call you and hang up, when you return his call he is automatically hooked up to your cell and has total access to all your information AND even if it is not turned on he can hear your conversations, see where you are, and read your GPS.
Never ever use your real name when going in sites and certainly not your first and last name. I tell visitors to my blog all the time to not use their last name! Google your name and see what comes up. Every single site you have commented on will appear. Use a fake name!!
If you are still with the narcissist make sure you delete your browser history and password your phone and computer. There is no guarantee he won’t be able to still find out where you have been but trust me; he is spying on you trying to figure out what you are up or if you have figured out what he is up to.
My ex had a hidden camera set up in our house and my sister in law found the wire that went under the house to a speaker and then out to the barn where he was always working on something.
I told myself he wouldn’t purposely sabotage my truck, that was just too crazy and I was being paranoid. While living with us my sister in law got suspicious he was doing something and caught him switching out the batteries so the truck wouldn’t start in the morning and then he would have hidden the battery charger. When I started locking the truck at night and she had the spare key he couldn’t mess under the hood and that is when he started to pour bad fuel in the tank, loosen bolts, cut brake lines and sabotage my tires. I could have died numerous times but my excellent driving skills and God’s intervention saved me.
I can not count how many times I have heard from women who went to talk to their ex one last time because he just wanted closure or she had something to pick up that she left behind and ended up barely escaping with their life. One woman got drugged and raped while there and the last thing she remembered was him giving her a drink and the next thing she remembered was opening her eyes to see him cleaning up around the room wearing rubber gloves. She ended up being pregnant and he fought her in court for custody, She won!! but she went through hell. I thought for sure she would end up dead.
Another one ended up in a moving vehicle and a gun pointed at her head. Another had a knife at her throat. Once you leave, no matter what he says, do not agree to meet with him any where, do not get in a vehicle with him, do not go for a drink. You do not own anything worth your life. Do not engage with him in any way. Do not try to make him jealous. Do not try to reason with him or appeal to his good side. Do not stay silent. You don’t have to start a blog, but tell people you are afraid for your safety. Get escorted to your car after dark, don’t park in remote areas, down load my safety plan at the top of the blog and follow the instructions and tips for staying safe, it could save your life. Just because you have left does not mean you are safe. Be aware and be diligent. Be smart. it’s not being paranoid and anyone who thinks you are, send them to me and I will set them straight.