Tag Archives: domestic abuse

Gabby Petito-We All Know Her Story

I have been having a whole whack of mixed emotions since first hearing Gabby was missing. I try to not be a pessimist, I try to not automatically assume the worst but the first thought that always comes to mind when a woman is missing is; where is her boyfriend/husband/ex?

It is tragic that 9.5 out of 10 times, I am right; it is her significant other or ex.

When I saw the video of the police talking to Gabby and Brian Laundrie, I immediately flashed back to similar situations with my ex. Like me, Gabby was crying, emotional, almost incoherent when asked to explain what was going on. And Brian, like my ex, was calm, cool, unemotional, concerned, apologetic, subtly blaming Gabby for causing the problems. “We were having a good morning but she gets OCD, my feet were dirty, she was cleaning and working on her little blog.” “I was trying to remove myself until she calmed down. I shouldn’t have pushed her, but I just wanted some space.” Aaww poor Brian, the victim of her erratic emotions.

The victim is a good person who self reflects, doesn’t want to get anyone into trouble and she always believes things will get better.

I can imagine how things had gone that morning because the narcissist always gives subtle clues.

Gabby wanted to work on the travel blog but Brian resented her not giving him her whole attention. She mentions to the police that he doesn’t think she is capable of doing it and he tells the police she was working on her “little blog”.

I imagine he had a good rant devaluing her blog and her efforts.

She probably had cleaned the van that morning, perhaps because he had bitched because it was a mess. Then he walked in with dirty feet and she mentioned that she had just cleaned. I remember being on my hands and knees washing the floor when my ex walked right through the house with his muddy boots on. When I asked him to please take his shoes off because I was washing the floors, he went into a tirade about something totally unrelated that I had done. I ended up in tears and apologizing to him.

He locks her out of the van. I had to walk home several times because my ex locked me out of the vehicle and drove off, (with my purse and phone in the vehicle). Now, consider being in a strange town, alone, crying, and having your significant other lock you out of your van and threaten to leave you.

And Laundrie mentioned too the police that he was afraid she would abandon him and take the van.

My ex used to take my phone so I couldn’t phone anyone. He had her phone and in the process of trying to get her phone, her life line, back, she accidentally scratched his face.

What was she supposed to do? where could she go? In a town where she didn’t know anyone, and is reliant on him for everything. She had quit her job, and was being belittled about her efforts with the blog.

The video I saw I am sure I heard the cop say, “I’ll let you get back to your call with your parents”. What did she tell her parents? She must have been crying. Were they not worried? Or was it like when I called my mother in tears and she said, “It doesn’t sound like things are going very well right now. I can’t handle it. Maybe call back when things get better. Call collect if you have to.” *click*

I would like to know about both their lives prior to meeting each other. Most victims of a narcissist had plenty of training in the art of giving and putting themselves behind the needs of others.

And narcissists, by the time they hit their 20’s have caused some sort of chaos in their lives, they are seldom model children and teens and were in trouble at school or with the law at some point. Their parents may have done double time covering the narcissists tracks, doing damage control or believing his lies.

You can’t convince me the Laundries didn’t help Laundrie escape. I think they have led the police on a wild goose chase and Laundrie isn’t anywhere near that nature reserve. What lie did he tell them? My friend asked me last night if I would help my son get away or turn him in. I love my son more than life itself but I would want him to be honest and I wouldn’t want him to spend his life as a fugitive.

Terribly sad, because Gabby would be alive now if the police had recognized the tell tale signs of narcissistic abuse.

9

I’m Not Sure He’s A Narcissist

I can’t count how many times I have heard a woman comment that she isn’t sure her partner is a narcissist. Their partner has many of the traits, but not all.

When I started looking for answers I would Google, “sometimes my husband acts like he hates me” and sites on domestic abuse would come up in the search. I got frustrated, he didn’t hit me, he just acted like he hated me breathing his air, sometimes, not all the time. Sometimes he was very loving. I wanted to know how to fix it. He wasn’t “abusive”, ok well, not all the time. He had hit me once and strangled me once. It wasn’t all the time.

For the longest time I never commented and would just leave the site. I wouldn’t go searching for answers for awhile and then things would get really bad again and I’d go searching again.  When I finally did comment the women seemed so hate filled and told me to just leave him. They weren’t interested in learning how much I loved him, how he was the love of my life. How a person doesn’t “just walk away” from a love like that.

I remember resolving myself to the fact that I was never going to leave even if he didn’t love me. I loved loving him enough, I would be happy just to be in his life and I would take the good when I could, it was worth the bad times. But the bad times always got worse. Just when I thought, “there’s no way he can hurt me worse than this” he’d find a way.

Twenty years ago no one talked about narcissists. About 5 years into the relationship I found a site that gave me hope. It was a couple who said he was a narcissist and she had discovered the secret to fixing him. They sold books and classes instructing women how to fix their narcissistic partner. They made it sound like he was basically a benign self centered normal guy, with a conscience and ability to love.

It wasn’t until I had left my ex that I discovered the truth about narcissists. I thought I must be the only person who had ever experienced the bizarre treatment I had endured from my ex. I was amazed time after time when I wrote about the things he did and people commented, “OMG! You are writing about me!, How did you know?”

I wanted women to know they weren’t alone, that it wasn’t their fault, they couldn’t fix it, and if by sharing my experiences I saved one life, everything I went through would be worth it. Ten years after leaving I can say it was, because I have heard from dozens, if not hundreds of women and men who wrote to thank me.

Unfortunately, most victims feel that they must be able to identify a narcissist in order to protect themselves. They want a set list of traits they can go down and tick the boxes, if the guy ticks enough boxes the woman has “permission” or reason to dump him.

The problem is, the number one trait of a narcissist is, he doesn’t act like a narcissist until he has his victim firmly hooked. By that time he has already done damage to the victim’s self esteem, confidence, and made the victim dependent on him.

In order to truly protect yourself you can’t rely on a list or other people to tell you what to do. A narcissist’s whole m.o. is to create confusion and keep the victim off balance.

It is that indecision and mistrust of your own ability and instincts to make wise choices that got you where you are. If you are living true to your core self and doing what is best for you, there is no grey area, you know what you need to do.

It doesn’t matter if they check all the boxes on a list of narcissistic traits; just because a person is not a narcissist does not make them a good person or someone you should invest your emotions and time in.

I use my son as an example of someone who lives true to his core self and is a mentally healthy person. He looks at life realistically and honestly. He has taught me that staying true to yourself is not selfish, judgemental or unkind. Living true to yourself takes all the drama out of your life, it makes life do much simpler, easier.

Let me give you a recent prime example. My son had been dating a very attractive woman who had alot of traits he really appreciated. I met her and really liked her. He called yesterday to tell me he had broken up with her because in the two months they have been seeing each other there were a few traits she possessed that really made him angry. A few things that went totally against his core principles had happened enough times that he felt he couldn’t keep seeing her. She had more than once been judgemental about a person’s looks or social standing, She was materialistic, and entitled and she just didn’t hold the same values as him. There were things she said that ate at him, made him angry, and he knew it wasn’t his job to change her and he sure wasn’t going to give up his values and beliefs, so he did the only thing he could do and stay true to himself, he ended it. She isn’t a narcissist, well, we will never know for sure because he didn’t stick around long enough to find out.

We are so quick to label anyone who hurts us a narcissist. It dilutes the true toxicity of a narcissist to throw the label around BUT that said, just because someone isn’t a narcissist doesn’t mean you should be with them, try to change to please them, or change them to fit your needs. You DO have to know what your needs are and not settle for less.

If you are on the internet looking for answers because the person you are with is acting in ways that are disrespectful and hurtful of you; you are in a toxic relationship. No diagnoses necessary. The only question you need to ask is, “why am I staying with someone who treats me this badly?

Why am I staying in a relationship that is so confusing I have to look on the net for answers?

If you are in a healthy relationship you would not be on the internet looking for answers.

Not everyone is going to like us. We have to check our ego, and not take it personally that someone rejects us. We have to live true to our core self and when we do, the right person will come along.

The narcissist sweeps the victim off her feet. It’s romantic,  exciting, it takes your breath away and throws the victim off balance.

The surest way to protect yourself if to live true to your core self. I can’t tell you what to do, you need to know, deep inside, what you need to do. Not should do, but what you need to do, for you.

In the beginning of a relationship we are always on our best behavior. It is when we get to know the other person, we find out likes and dislikes, common interests. We do it, so does everyone else, a narcissist does it in order to compile ammunition to control the victim. We do it to make sure this is a person we want to invest our time in. Not everyone is going to like us and we aren’t going to like everyone we meet. Some women want a man in their life so bad, they turn themselves into a pretzel trying to be the woman he wants.

We need to stop put more value on having a man than finding a man who enhances our lives and who we can live true to our core values. A relationship should never make you feel inferior or like you need to change; and you should never ever compromise your values or allow them to cross your boundaries.

Are You In Any REAL Danger?

Leaving a narcissist is seldom the end of the abuse; in fact, quite often a whole new, covert and dangerous form of abuse starts.

Stalking and Slander!

A narcissist is never happy to just walk away from a relationship. Even if it is his idea he will slander the victim and try to destroy their reputation and ability to recover and move on. Why does he want to destroy the victim? Because narcissists are nasty like that. It’s just the way they roll. You can not break up with a narcissist and remain friends no matter what he may tell you.

If you break up with him it can be so much worse. A narcissist really hates rejection, no matter how badly he treated you; you have no right to leave him.

It is totally unrealistic and irrational for him to think he can abuse you physically and/or verbally, financially, mentally and you will just stay for more of the same but that is exactly what he expects. It makes no sense that he thinks he can threaten you and you shouldn’t call the police.

Narcissists think they are above the laws everyone else have to abide by.

Are you paranoid or over reacting to fear for your safety after ending a relationship with a narcissist?

If you mention to your friends and family your ex is threatening you they may poo poo you. Unless they have been through it a person can not possibly relate and it does sound bizarre.

First, let’s clear up any misconceptions you may have about narcissists. There is one trait that is shared by the most dangerous personality disorders; psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists, that no other disorder displays and that is; no conscience. No guilt, no remorse, no empathy.

There is no person on the earth more dangerous, unpredictable and vengeful than a Anti-social Disordered person. Under the classification of Anti-social Personality Disorder falls; psychopath, sociopath and narcissist. The differences between those 3 are so insignificant even professional psychiatrists often can’t tell one from the other. But it isn’t necessary because you only have to know; they are extremely dangerous and should not be taken lightly.

Don’t ever under estimate the vindictiveness or viciousness of a narcissist.

OK. With that cleared up what do you need to be aware of or how can you protect yourself?

He IS going to slander you, that is pretty well guaranteed so you would be wise to advise people like employers, family and friends ahead of time. He will try to get you evicted and fired, be prepared.

I made the conscious decision to start this blog and thus revealing my identity and speak out about my experiences with a narcissist. There have been times I regretted that decision and wish I would have done it under a pseudonym but then I thought my speaking out publicly might just save my life too. It was unlikely my ex would do me harm if I had a blog talking about the abuse, he would be the first suspect. That did not protect me from vicious slander and him trying to ruin my reputation and any chance I had of recovering and living in comfort in the future.

I knew he was reading my blog and he tried to discredit me by leaving comments but I blocked him, he then tried under different email addresses and names so I got an IP Tracker for free, StatsCounter .

I was then able to track every visitor to my blog and their IP #, exact location, what post they visited, time they visited etc. It only covers 500 visits for free but for under $10 a month I was able to track many more. (this app proved to be priceless and helped me to help many people)

My ex even tried to have me charged with inciting violence against him because of my blog. He didn’t know where I was living so he had the cops call my 80 year old mother. Of course she panicked. It had been long enough I no longer panicked, sure there was that familiar tightening in my gut but I told myself to stay calm and I called the cop back.

You see, the narcissist has us so brainwashed into thinking we have no control over our life that we get stuck in victim mode. I started viewing things in a “what CAN I do” mind set instead of a “I have no control” mindset. First I went through my blog looking for anything I might have said that could be construed as inciting violence and could find nothing. Then I honestly evaluated my purpose for having the blog and I was NOT doing it to get revenge, if I was I would have used his full name etc, how could my blog be in revenge if it didn’t show up in a Google search of his name?

Once I was sure of my position and motives I called the cop. First I made him promise to not give my location or phone number to my ex and then we started to talk. I didn’t once say anything about what my ex had done to me, I didn’t try to blame my ex because that would have sounded like I was seeking revenge and I know from past experience that people shut down as soon as you start talking about abuse. Instead I asked what I had done wrong and what my rights are. I asked the cop to give me the title of the offending post and I would change it. I heard the cop shuffling through papers, I asked if he had tried to find my blog by Googling my ex’s name, he didn’t answer me. Then he read me a paragraph I recognized that said my son would hunt my ex down if any harm ever came to me.  It was a post about a letter I had received from my ex stating that he would do whatever necessary to protect his new relationship. A veiled threat if I ever heard one. I had said that if anything ever happened to me the police and my son would be looking for my ex because he is the only one who has ever been abusive to me. I asked the cop why that was inciting violence against my ex when I clearly stated the only way my son would go looking for him would be if something happened to me. He couldn’t really give me an answer to that either. He said there might be a whacko out there who decided to kill my ex just because he read my blog and thought he deserved it and then it would be my fault.

I asked, “So you are saying that I cannot speak about my personal experiences just in case there is a weirdo out there who somehow is going to figure out my ex’s name, because I only ever use his first name and there must be millions of guys named that same name and then this whacko is going to somehow figure out what town my ex lives in and hunt him down and kill him? Do you know the odds of that happening??” He said I should not be using my ex’s first name regardless. I said ok, but even if I call him Bob my friends would know it was him because I have never been with anyone abusive before or since, so it really make no difference what name I use. We have no mutual friends, if any of his friends are reading my blog it is because he gave them the link.

Finally I said, I have no intention of taking the blog down so just tell me what I need to do to be legal.

The cop said, “You know most victims of abuse who are afraid of their abuser try to avoid making him angry and just want to get as far away as possible and not draw his attention.”

I responded with enthusiasm, “Exactly right! and the reason domestic abuse continues is …..”

The cop finished my sentence with me, “because victims are silent because they are afraid of their abuser.”

I knew then that I had gotten to him, he understood. I continued to explain, “When I was in the middle of it I made a promise to myself and God that if I ever found my way out of it I would speak out for the rest of my life in hopes I saved even one other woman from going through what I was going through. So you need to tell me how I can do that without breaking the law.”

The cop’s whole demeanor had changed and he said, “I don’t really know, no matter what he has a right to privacy.”

I said, “I agree totally. But can you tell me where is my right to share my personal experience?”

He said, “Look just don’t use his name, say “My ex” and that is all you can do. I just don’t want to have to deal with Mr. (my ex) any more.” I knew my ex must of been driving this poor cop crazy crying about being a victim of MY abuse.

The last 1/2 hour of our conversation was about our dogs, my life now, his marriage and years on the force. He said, “You sound like a really nice lady.” and wished me well and I thanked him and that was the last time my ex has made an appearance in my life. I still watch my back and don’t trust that he won’t at some point try to make trouble in my life. I know that if the opportunity presents itself he will jump on it to do me harm. The more you thwart a narcissist’s attempt to destroy you the angrier he gets and the more it becomes an obsession for him.

You can not trust anyone who stays friends with both of you. If a friend is a friend of his they are not a friend of yours, trust me!! I thought I could stay friends and soon found out that they were telling him stuff about me, even if they never meant to cause me harm and were even defending me; any information getting back to the narcissist is not going to be good for you. I had stayed in contact with my ex’s step dad, he had loaned me money to leave my ex and was always very supportive of me. I had moved onto my brother’s boat after my ex found me the last time and no one knew where I was except those closest to me until I got a call from my ex father-in-law. In the course of the conversation he asked where I was living now and against my better judgment I told him and he asked where exactly was the marina, and against my gut telling me to shut up, I told him. After I got off the phone I knew I had been stupid.

Two days later I took Stella for her morning pee at 5 am. and coming around the corner was a semi exactly like the semi my ex used to own. It came straight towards Stella and I and I froze and grabbed Stella, but I didn’t have my contact lens in and couldn’t see the driver clearly. The semi stopped, backed up (the marina was at the end of a dead end street and there was no need for a semi to be coming down that far, in fact it made it hard for him to turn around) and left, but he waved first.

After that I had a drone outside my window 5 minutes before I was to be interviewed on talk radio via Skype. My laptop crashed, never to work again but the interview went ahead on my cell phone. Within a week I was being investigated by welfare and there were numerous complaints filed against me at the marina anonymously. I was in my boat one day with all the curtains closed (after the drone incident I kept my curtains closed) and could hear a car horn honking for the longest time. I wondered who it was and who they were honking at so I peeked out my window and there, right across from the boat on the roadway was my ex in his girlfriend’s car. When he saw me looking he waved and drove off. Just his way of saying I know where you are and I can get you. People still said I was being paranoid so I went looking on line in my ex’s stuff and sure enough he had posted pics of his new semi he had just bought, exactly like his old one. And guess who had been taking pictures at a marina and had just bought himself a drone?

Do you realize how easily a tracking device can be installed on your vehicle? It attaches with a magnet and is so tiny unless you are looking for it you would never know it was there. Mine was discovered by a mechanic who just happened to know what it was. How about hacking into your cell phone? All he has to do is call you and hang up, when you return his call he is automatically hooked up to your cell and has total access to all your information AND even if it is not turned on he can hear your conversations, see where you are, and read your GPS.

Never ever use your real name when going in sites and certainly not your first and last name. I tell visitors to my blog all the time to not use their last name! Google your name and see what comes up. Every single site you have commented on will appear.  Use a fake name!!

If you are still with the narcissist make sure you delete your browser history and password your phone and computer. There is no guarantee he won’t be able to still find out where you have been but trust me; he is spying on you trying to figure out what you are up or if you have figured out what he is up to.

My ex had a hidden camera set up in our house and my sister in law found the wire that went under the house to a speaker and then out to the barn where he was always working on something.

I told myself he wouldn’t purposely sabotage my truck, that was just too crazy and I was being paranoid. While living with us my sister in law got suspicious he was doing something and caught him switching out the batteries so the truck wouldn’t start in the morning and then he would have hidden the battery charger. When I started locking the truck at night and she had the spare key he couldn’t mess under the hood and that is when he started to pour bad fuel in the tank,  loosen bolts, cut brake lines and sabotage my tires. I could have died numerous times but my excellent driving skills and God’s intervention saved me.

I can not count how many times I have heard from women who went to talk to their ex one last time because he just wanted closure or she had something to pick up that she left behind and ended up barely escaping with their life. One woman got drugged and raped while there and the last thing she remembered was him giving her a drink and the next thing she remembered was opening her eyes to see him cleaning up around the room wearing rubber gloves. She ended up being pregnant and he fought her in court for custody, She won!! but she went through hell. I thought for sure she would end up dead.

Another one ended up in a moving vehicle and a gun pointed at her head. Another had a knife at her throat. Once you leave, no matter what he says, do not agree to meet with him any where, do not get in a vehicle with him, do not go for a drink. You do not own anything worth your life. Do not engage with him in any way. Do not try to make him jealous. Do not try to reason with him or appeal to his good side. Do not stay silent. You don’t have to start a blog, but tell people you are afraid for your safety. Get escorted to your car after dark, don’t park in remote areas, down load my safety plan at the top of the blog and follow the instructions and tips for staying safe, it could save your life. Just because you have left does not mean you are safe. Be aware and be diligent. Be smart. it’s not being paranoid and anyone who thinks you are, send them to me and I will set them straight.