Tag Archives: domestic abuse

Are You In Any REAL Danger?

Leaving a narcissist is seldom the end of the abuse; in fact, quite often a whole new, covert and dangerous form of abuse starts.

Stalking and Slander!

A narcissist is never happy to just walk away from a relationship. Even if it is his idea he will slander the victim and try to destroy their reputation and ability to recover and move on. Why does he want to destroy the victim? Because narcissists are nasty like that. It’s just the way they roll. You can not break up with a narcissist and remain friends no matter what he may tell you.

If you break up with him it can be so much worse. A narcissist really hates rejection, no matter how badly he treated you; you have no right to leave him.

It is totally unrealistic and irrational for him to think he can abuse you physically and/or verbally, financially, mentally and you will just stay for more of the same but that is exactly what he expects. It makes no sense that he thinks he can threaten you and you shouldn’t call the police.

Narcissists think they are above the laws everyone else have to abide by.

Are you paranoid or over reacting to fear for your safety after ending a relationship with a narcissist?

If you mention to your friends and family your ex is threatening you they may poo poo you. Unless they have been through it a person can not possibly relate and it does sound bizarre.

First, let’s clear up any misconceptions you may have about narcissists. There is one trait that is shared by the most dangerous personality disorders; psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists, that no other disorder displays and that is; no conscience. No guilt, no remorse, no empathy.

There is no person on the earth more dangerous, unpredictable and vengeful than a Anti-social Disordered person. Under the classification of Anti-social Personality Disorder falls; psychopath, sociopath and narcissist. The differences between those 3 are so insignificant even professional psychiatrists often can’t tell one from the other. But it isn’t necessary because you only have to know; they are extremely dangerous and should not be taken lightly.

Don’t ever under estimate the vindictiveness or viciousness of a narcissist.

OK. With that cleared up what do you need to be aware of or how can you protect yourself?

He IS going to slander you, that is pretty well guaranteed so you would be wise to advise people like employers, family and friends ahead of time. He will try to get you evicted and fired, be prepared.

I made the conscious decision to start this blog and thus revealing my identity and speak out about my experiences with a narcissist. There have been times I regretted that decision and wish I would have done it under a pseudonym but then I thought my speaking out publicly might just save my life too. It was unlikely my ex would do me harm if I had a blog talking about the abuse, he would be the first suspect. That did not protect me from vicious slander and him trying to ruin my reputation and any chance I had of recovering and living in comfort in the future.

I knew he was reading my blog and he tried to discredit me by leaving comments but I blocked him, he then tried under different email addresses and names so I got an IP Tracker for free, StatsCounter .

I was then able to track every visitor to my blog and their IP #, exact location, what post they visited, time they visited etc. It only covers 500 visits for free but for under $10 a month I was able to track many more. (this app proved to be priceless and helped me to help many people)

My ex even tried to have me charged with inciting violence against him because of my blog. He didn’t know where I was living so he had the cops call my 80 year old mother. Of course she panicked. It had been long enough I no longer panicked, sure there was that familiar tightening in my gut but I told myself to stay calm and I called the cop back.

You see, the narcissist has us so brainwashed into thinking we have no control over our life that we get stuck in victim mode. I started viewing things in a “what CAN I do” mind set instead of a “I have no control” mindset. First I went through my blog looking for anything I might have said that could be construed as inciting violence and could find nothing. Then I honestly evaluated my purpose for having the blog and I was NOT doing it to get revenge, if I was I would have used his full name etc, how could my blog be in revenge if it didn’t show up in a Google search of his name?

Once I was sure of my position and motives I called the cop. First I made him promise to not give my location or phone number to my ex and then we started to talk. I didn’t once say anything about what my ex had done to me, I didn’t try to blame my ex because that would have sounded like I was seeking revenge and I know from past experience that people shut down as soon as you start talking about abuse. Instead I asked what I had done wrong and what my rights are. I asked the cop to give me the title of the offending post and I would change it. I heard the cop shuffling through papers, I asked if he had tried to find my blog by Googling my ex’s name, he didn’t answer me. Then he read me a paragraph I recognized that said my son would hunt my ex down if any harm ever came to me.  It was a post about a letter I had received from my ex stating that he would do whatever necessary to protect his new relationship. A veiled threat if I ever heard one. I had said that if anything ever happened to me the police and my son would be looking for my ex because he is the only one who has ever been abusive to me. I asked the cop why that was inciting violence against my ex when I clearly stated the only way my son would go looking for him would be if something happened to me. He couldn’t really give me an answer to that either. He said there might be a whacko out there who decided to kill my ex just because he read my blog and thought he deserved it and then it would be my fault.

I asked, “So you are saying that I cannot speak about my personal experiences just in case there is a weirdo out there who somehow is going to figure out my ex’s name, because I only ever use his first name and there must be millions of guys named that same name and then this whacko is going to somehow figure out what town my ex lives in and hunt him down and kill him? Do you know the odds of that happening??” He said I should not be using my ex’s first name regardless. I said ok, but even if I call him Bob my friends would know it was him because I have never been with anyone abusive before or since, so it really make no difference what name I use. We have no mutual friends, if any of his friends are reading my blog it is because he gave them the link.

Finally I said, I have no intention of taking the blog down so just tell me what I need to do to be legal.

The cop said, “You know most victims of abuse who are afraid of their abuser try to avoid making him angry and just want to get as far away as possible and not draw his attention.”

I responded with enthusiasm, “Exactly right! and the reason domestic abuse continues is …..”

The cop finished my sentence with me, “because victims are silent because they are afraid of their abuser.”

I knew then that I had gotten to him, he understood. I continued to explain, “When I was in the middle of it I made a promise to myself and God that if I ever found my way out of it I would speak out for the rest of my life in hopes I saved even one other woman from going through what I was going through. So you need to tell me how I can do that without breaking the law.”

The cop’s whole demeanor had changed and he said, “I don’t really know, no matter what he has a right to privacy.”

I said, “I agree totally. But can you tell me where is my right to share my personal experience?”

He said, “Look just don’t use his name, say “My ex” and that is all you can do. I just don’t want to have to deal with Mr. (my ex) any more.” I knew my ex must of been driving this poor cop crazy crying about being a victim of MY abuse.

The last 1/2 hour of our conversation was about our dogs, my life now, his marriage and years on the force. He said, “You sound like a really nice lady.” and wished me well and I thanked him and that was the last time my ex has made an appearance in my life. I still watch my back and don’t trust that he won’t at some point try to make trouble in my life. I know that if the opportunity presents itself he will jump on it to do me harm. The more you thwart a narcissist’s attempt to destroy you the angrier he gets and the more it becomes an obsession for him.

You can not trust anyone who stays friends with both of you. If a friend is a friend of his they are not a friend of yours, trust me!! I thought I could stay friends and soon found out that they were telling him stuff about me, even if they never meant to cause me harm and were even defending me; any information getting back to the narcissist is not going to be good for you. I had stayed in contact with my ex’s step dad, he had loaned me money to leave my ex and was always very supportive of me. I had moved onto my brother’s boat after my ex found me the last time and no one knew where I was except those closest to me until I got a call from my ex father-in-law. In the course of the conversation he asked where I was living now and against my better judgment I told him and he asked where exactly was the marina, and against my gut telling me to shut up, I told him. After I got off the phone I knew I had been stupid.

Two days later I took Stella for her morning pee at 5 am. and coming around the corner was a semi exactly like the semi my ex used to own. It came straight towards Stella and I and I froze and grabbed Stella, but I didn’t have my contact lens in and couldn’t see the driver clearly. The semi stopped, backed up (the marina was at the end of a dead end street and there was no need for a semi to be coming down that far, in fact it made it hard for him to turn around) and left, but he waved first.

After that I had a drone outside my window 5 minutes before I was to be interviewed on talk radio via Skype. My laptop crashed, never to work again but the interview went ahead on my cell phone. Within a week I was being investigated by welfare and there were numerous complaints filed against me at the marina anonymously. I was in my boat one day with all the curtains closed (after the drone incident I kept my curtains closed) and could hear a car horn honking for the longest time. I wondered who it was and who they were honking at so I peeked out my window and there, right across from the boat on the roadway was my ex in his girlfriend’s car. When he saw me looking he waved and drove off. Just his way of saying I know where you are and I can get you. People still said I was being paranoid so I went looking on line in my ex’s stuff and sure enough he had posted pics of his new semi he had just bought, exactly like his old one. And guess who had been taking pictures at a marina and had just bought himself a drone?

Do you realize how easily a tracking device can be installed on your vehicle? It attaches with a magnet and is so tiny unless you are looking for it you would never know it was there. Mine was discovered by a mechanic who just happened to know what it was. How about hacking into your cell phone? All he has to do is call you and hang up, when you return his call he is automatically hooked up to your cell and has total access to all your information AND even if it is not turned on he can hear your conversations, see where you are, and read your GPS.

Never ever use your real name when going in sites and certainly not your first and last name. I tell visitors to my blog all the time to not use their last name! Google your name and see what comes up. Every single site you have commented on will appear.  Use a fake name!!

If you are still with the narcissist make sure you delete your browser history and password your phone and computer. There is no guarantee he won’t be able to still find out where you have been but trust me; he is spying on you trying to figure out what you are up or if you have figured out what he is up to.

My ex had a hidden camera set up in our house and my sister in law found the wire that went under the house to a speaker and then out to the barn where he was always working on something.

I told myself he wouldn’t purposely sabotage my truck, that was just too crazy and I was being paranoid. While living with us my sister in law got suspicious he was doing something and caught him switching out the batteries so the truck wouldn’t start in the morning and then he would have hidden the battery charger. When I started locking the truck at night and she had the spare key he couldn’t mess under the hood and that is when he started to pour bad fuel in the tank,  loosen bolts, cut brake lines and sabotage my tires. I could have died numerous times but my excellent driving skills and God’s intervention saved me.

I can not count how many times I have heard from women who went to talk to their ex one last time because he just wanted closure or she had something to pick up that she left behind and ended up barely escaping with their life. One woman got drugged and raped while there and the last thing she remembered was him giving her a drink and the next thing she remembered was opening her eyes to see him cleaning up around the room wearing rubber gloves. She ended up being pregnant and he fought her in court for custody, She won!! but she went through hell. I thought for sure she would end up dead.

Another one ended up in a moving vehicle and a gun pointed at her head. Another had a knife at her throat. Once you leave, no matter what he says, do not agree to meet with him any where, do not get in a vehicle with him, do not go for a drink. You do not own anything worth your life. Do not engage with him in any way. Do not try to make him jealous. Do not try to reason with him or appeal to his good side. Do not stay silent. You don’t have to start a blog, but tell people you are afraid for your safety. Get escorted to your car after dark, don’t park in remote areas, down load my safety plan at the top of the blog and follow the instructions and tips for staying safe, it could save your life. Just because you have left does not mean you are safe. Be aware and be diligent. Be smart. it’s not being paranoid and anyone who thinks you are, send them to me and I will set them straight.

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Another Woman Dies – True Story

My mom was telling me about an accident that happened on Hwy #3 near Hope, BC. Apparently a car had been driving eratically and speeding then crashed into a highways maintenance truck.

The car literally broke into hundreds of pieces upon impact. The first people on the scene was a truck load of fire fighters who immediately started CPR on the female passenger. While they were desperately trying to save her life the driver of the vehicle jumped into the fire fighter’s truck and sped from the scene, leaving his female passenger to die alone in the middle of the highway.

My mom was wondering why he would have been driving erratically prior to the crash and I said, “Maybe he was trying to scare the passenger”. 

I thought to myself for a minute, “Have I become cynical? Always assuming domestic abuse when a woman is found dead?” 

As I watched the news they flashed the victim’s picture and then showed segments of an interview with her sons and sobbing husband. She was just 36 years old and I knew her. 

I hadn’t seen her and her husband for years, probably 10 years at least. 

Last night I looked up the husband’s Facebook page and he was talking about how they had been split. His wife had been seeing a guy off and on for a year but she had decided to end it and give her marriage an honest effort.

The guy she had been seeing wouldn’t leave her alone and was threatening to kill himself if she didn’t come talk to him. She went. That was the last time her husband and kids saw her alive.

I was lucky when I got in a vehicle with my ex, ….. just to talk. I have heard more horror stories from people who have visited the blog; than I can count. 

Stories of being thrown from a speeding vehicle, having a knife held to their throat, a gun to their head, literally fighting for their life, women set on fire, acid thrown at them. 

I am willing to bet every single woman who is murdered by her abusive ex, (and have no doubt, this young woman who died on Hwy #3 was murdered) didn’t believe he would ever really hurt her but her gut told her something else and she didn’t listen to it.

Those last few minutes or hours must have been terrifying. His speeding, passing on the right, passing around corners, her begging him to stop, him screaming at her he was going to kill them both. 

That isn’t love, it has nothing to do with love, what these assholes feel is not love. 

You are their possession and if they can’t have you, no one else can. Don’t kid yourself.

If your ex is threatening to kill himself call 911 and send help if you must, but whatever you do, DO NOT go to him yourself.

Again, children have their mother stolen from them. 

The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the victim ends it. It does NOT help the situation if you keep going back and forth. You ate much safer to just stay away, no matter what he threatens. To go back and forth only antagonizes him and puts you at more risk. 

Yes, it is hard but no contact is the only way to end it with these people. They are not normal, they don’t think rationally, they don’t act like a normal person, they don’t react like a normal person, you can not be their friend.


Take This Short Quiz To See If You Could Be The Victim Of Abuse

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Society has many misconceptions of what kind of person becomes the victim of domestic violence. Seeing as October is Domestic Abuse Awareness Month I thought I would discuss the common traits of a typical victim.

I held many of the common judgements of abuse victims all through my 20’s and 30’s; I can remember saying things like:

  • “A man would only ever hit me once.”
  • “If a man ever hit ME, I would be out of there so fast his head would be spinning.”
  • “She must provoke him.”
  • “It can’t be that bad if she keeps going back.”
  • “It would never happen to me, I am too independent.”

I felt sorry for a victim of domestic abuse but I also thought she was weak, co-dependent, needy, and to be honest; not too smart.

By the time I was in my 30’s, 40’s, I felt immune to domestic abuse, I was self supporting, independent, confident, a homeowner, had a good job, AND I had never been in an abusive relationship. (I took shit from no man and could live without a man in my life better than most women)

When I met my ex I couldn’t believe my good fortune to meet a true sweetheart, someone who could talk openly about his feelings, who called when he was late, who couldn’t get enough of me and loved me just the way I was. He never got angry, we had so much in common, he had a great sense of humor and although he seemed like he was a little too sensitive and loved me more than I loved him; I had always been told by men I was too independent and I made the conscience decision allow a man to take care of me.

Little did I know 10 years later I would fear for my life and leave him with nothing, not even my self respect.

Take this quick quiz to see if you have the traits of a typical abuse victim.

  1. Are you honest and trust worthy?
  2. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance and can change?
  3. Are you a romantic at heart?
  4. Do you have high morals standards?
  5. Are you self sufficient and independent?
  6. Do you have a good job?
  7. Are you attractive?
  8. Fed up with men taking you for granted?
  9. Intelligent?
  10. Are you always there for your friends?
  11. If you say you are going to do something, do you follow through?
  12. Are you empathetic and intuitive; picking up on the emotions and moods of the people around you?
  13. Are you willing to admit you are wrong and try to change?
  14. Do you seem to instinctively know what people need and want?
  15. Are you generous and charitable?
  16. Have you been told you are too sensitive your whole life?
  17. Do you put the needs of others before your own?
  18. Do you try to resolve problems calmly and rationally?
  19. Do you believe relationships take work and if you love someone you don’t abandon them at the first sign of trouble?
  20. Do you believe everyone has a good side?

Who wouldn’t want to be described to have these traits? It doesn’t matter how many of the traits you answered yes to, because there is no typical victim, they come in all ages, races, economic backgrounds, they are lawyers, doctors, cleaning ladies and stay at home moms, they are grandmothers, and teenagers. No one is immune.

The things that led to me staying with my ex was my belief that I was immune to domestic abuse and that I was too strong and independent to ever let a man control me.

If we are to ever end domestic abuse we must dispel the erroneous stereotypes we have assigned the victims of abuse.

Narcissists generally do not want a weak needy woman, there is no challenge; the ego boost (narcissistic supply) comes from breaking a strong woman.

For years people thought women stayed because they needed the man to support them, so women fought for equal rights, equal pay, and they hold high paying power positions. Women now need a man less than ever in history and yet the stats for domestic abuse are not going down. In Canada, every 4 days a woman is killed by a family member and every 6 days a woman dies at the hands of her intimate partner. One in 4 women will experience domestic abuse in her lifetime. THAT is despicable!

Your best defense against ever becoming a victim of narcissistic abuse is knowledge, knowledge is power. Share your knowledge with others, not to expose your abuser, there is no way you can warn every woman he will end up dating and it just makes you look bitter and vengeful. If you want to end domestic abuse, educate society whenever the opportunity arises, educate our young women.

 

 

 

 

SSSShhhhh!! Don’t Say Narcissist or Psychopath

I run into it all the time and have actually changed the way I talk about domestic abuse; I leave the word “narcissist” or “psychopath” out of the conversation. For whatever reason people just shut down when you give a name to the abuser. It’s like, yeah, he is abusive but he’s not a narcissist or a psychopath. 

Ok. I don’t like labels either, we can call him “abusive” if that makes you more comfortable. But refusing to acknowledge they exist (narcissists and psychopaths) does not make them go away, they are still out there and they are still in your life whether you know it or not. They are living in your neighborhood, teaching your children, they are doctors, police, soldiers, bankers and many of them are sleeping in the bed of a totally unsuspecting woman. A woman who is laying there wondering what the hell happened to the man she fell in love with, wondering what she did wrong and what she can change to bring the loving sweet man she met, back.

When someone you love changes so drastically from a sweet caring guy who thinks the sun rises and sets on you into a evil, cruel, man with loathing in his eyes; you automatically look for a reason why he changed, brain tumor? People envision a psychopath looking like a psychopath! eyes that burn into you, an evil smirk, disheveled hair, they are sure they could pick a psychopath out of the crowd. They would never fall in love with a psychopath.

People get stuck on what to call them, are they sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists? They are all Anti-Social Disordered. That is a mouthful.

I was listening to a woman speak on domestic abuse survivors going back to their abuser. They go back on average 7 times before they leave for good, the reason for this is because as long as they think they have the power to fix the relationship they will keep going back. They will not stop until they have done absolutely everything they can to fix the relationship. That is what helped me stay away; every time I started to think I wanted to go back I would think about all the things I had changed trying to make it work, make him happy and nothing had worked; NOTHING! I tried to think of something I had not tried and couldn’t think of one thing, he had crossed every single boundary I had.

I didn’t know what I know now, what this woman was talking about; THEY CAN NOT CHANGE.

*NOTE I said they CAN NOT change, not they won’t, not they will not change, they can not change!! Their brains are wired differently, they do not have the capacity to feel guilt, empathy or remorse.

This woman said she showed brain scans to the victims of abuse and when they realized their ex was physically disabled and unable to change they were able to walk away.

I guess that is why being able to label the abuser becomes so important. The victims need to know, they can not “help”, fix or change him.

In order to stop domestic abuse, in order to save lives and educate society we have to call a spade a spade and admit they exist.

This is a link to a post I did a year ago

 

 

My Site Accused Of Being Gender Biased

I received these two comments on one of my posts recently, they are similar to other comments I have gotten from men about my blog not being gender neutral and I shouldn’t refer to the narcissist as “he”, “him” etc

“too biased towards the male as the abuser, be more neutral, women are just as if not more subtle and cruel”

“I have a friend who works in support of victims of crimes. She held a workshop for male victims of sexual abuse. They face an unusual difficulty of how society faces them. It’s worth the extra work, in my opinion, to make these sites gender neutral when it comes to verbal abuse. We can’t stop abuse if we subtly give women abusers a bit of a free pass.”

My response was a little on the defensive side but I stand by my reply. I don’t want to appear unsympathetic to the male victim but it is not the men dying at alarming rates, it is the women and it is the young women being raped and abused by men at an appalling rate; which is most disturbing in this “enlightened” day and age of “awareness”. Even with all the campaigns to raise awareness the figures show more cases of abuse than ever before. Someone might argue that the rate has gone up because more women are reporting the abuse to the authorities, but that is not the case. What is even more disturbing is the number of reported cases of abuse has dropped a bit but the number of women murdered by their domestic partner has risen significantly!

So here is my reply

You speak like all the websites about abuse are written by the same “people”, a group or a “club” “These sites” are written by victims of abuse who hope that by sharing their story they save someone else from the same fate. There is no committee that decides what topics get covered or what gender is identified.

I am fully aware that there are female narcissists and psychopaths, as there are gays and transgender narcissists, they come in all shapes, sexes and colors and are in every corner of the world. I have readers from obscure tiny countries I didn’t even know existed. Any person regardless of gender who has come here has been welcome and supported but I write from MY experience.  I have done a lot of research pertaining to the topic of narcissists and psychopaths. I can not count the hours I have dedicated to supporting victims, on here, by email, by phone and even contacting the FBI to help a woman. I receive the occasional donation from a grateful follower of the blog but if I were to break it down to how much per hour I have made while I have had this blog it wouldn’t be a penny an hour.

I state in my Welcome page that I may refer to “him” but I mean him/her, that I am writing from my frame of reference. I don’t feel it is necessary to keep repeating myself. If there are no sites focused on the male victims maybe a male should start one, why should I be concerned that men get equal time? When a man wants to pay me to write posts focused on the male perspective I will do so gladly, but until that time, this is my blog, about my experiences in an abusive relationship and I share in hopes I save other women from the same torture I went through. That said, I was approached a couple of years ago by a woman who wanted me to write her book for her because she thought I wrote with such passion; I turned her down because I knew I could not write about her experiences with the same passion I write about mine because I can only guess at how the experience felt for her I don’t know exactly how she felt, just as I can not possibly know how it feels for a man to be verbally or physically attacked by a woman.

None the less, the problem is not an epidemic among the male population but it has reached epidemic proportions for women, a study done in Atlanta revealed it is the leading cause of death for women aged 15-44. When I read a headline of a woman being found murdered I immediately assume it was domestic homicide and I am never wrong, when it is a man murdered it is usually a male assailant and not related to the victim. What is especially horrific is the recent spike in the number of fathers killing his children as a way to retaliate for his ex leaving him.

Just for the record here are some stats for you:

Every 9 seconds a woman in the United States is assaulted or beaten

1 in 3 woman will experience domestic physical abuse in her lifetime, for men it is 1 in 7.

1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have reported being stalked by an ex to the point of fearing for their life.

1 in 5 women in the US has been raped in her lifetime, for men the ratio is 1 in 71 and that does not specify how many of the rapists who raped the men were men, ie: in prisons etc the rape stats are very high, but it is men raping men.

19.3 million women compared to 5.1 million men report having been stalked by an intimate partner in their life.

72% of all murder suicides involve an intimate partner, 94% of the victims were females.

Between 2003 and 2008 142 women were murdered in their workplace by their abuser.

In Canada a woman dies every 6 days at the hands of her male partner in the US it jumps to 3 women a day die at the hands of the man who says he loves her.

A few other fun facts:

The total number of American soldiers killed in Afghanistan and Iraq between 2001-2012 was 6488. The total number of women killed by her intimate partner during the same time frame was 11,766; nearly double.

85% of domestic abuse victims are female

A woman is 70 times more likely to be murdered within the first few weeks of leaving an abusive relationship

Only 25% of domestic abuse cases are ever reported to the police so the figures are more than likely low and doesn’t take into account things like cut brake lines, etc

Oscar Pistorius Finally Found Guilty Of Murder

To be honest, I never thought Oscar Pistorius would face the charge of murder, I didn’t have faith in the laws and society to see the truth. But the appeal court agreed with the prosecutors that the manslaughter conviction had been based on a misinterpretation of the law.

How his guilt could have ever been in doubt I don’t know but then I remember my own mother’s reaction to his sobbing in court, snot and all; declaring his innocence.

My mother had been surprised I thought he was guilty, after all he threw up he was so upset about what happened, and he sobbed so hard in court and well, he had reason to feel vulnerable what with not having his legs. When I had pointed out he had a history of abusing past girlfriends she had said, “Oh but that was years ago!” I wanted to believe my mother was the minority but the longer the court case went on it seemed she just may have been in the majority, with the opinion that at least that there wasn’t enough evidence to convict him of murder.

The story he told was that he woke up to a noise and thought his place had been broken into, grabbed his gun and heard noises coming from the bathroom. Believing the thief had locked himself in the bathroom Pistorious chose to shoot through the bathroom door; without calling out to see who was in there, even though his beloved girlfriend was not in the bed beside him when he woke and got out of bed.

Oscar-Pistorius

This is a man who was supposed to be a trained in how to handle a gun and yet, did not wait to identify his victim before shooting blindly into a locked door? My father taught me how to handle a gun before I even reached my teens.

If someone broke into the house I was to get his gun from where he kept it stored and the ammunition from where IT was stored, load the gun, position myself in the bathtub (because from that location I could see straight down the hall into the living room and my back would be against the wall.) I was to sit there and wait until I could see who I was about to shoot so as not to shoot a family member. Luckily I never had to test my aim or nerve to shoot someone but I can tell you, I would NOT have shot into a locked bathroom door without knowing where my partner was first.

So typical of a narcissist/psychopath that he didn’t even think that anyone would think twice about his defense. What kind of coward would wake up to an empty bed and not immediately call out for his girlfriend to ensure her safety? Why on earth would he assume it was a thief locked in the bathroom?

Because it was all a lie, him and Reeva had argued that night as they did many times because of his jealousy. He got enraged and she was afraid for her life and locked herself in the bathroom thinking she would be safe in there. In a rage and knowing she had reached her fill; was going to leave him and he could not stand the thought of losing her to some other man, he got the gun he kept by his bed and shot through the door, killing her in cold blood.

Not all victims of a narcissist/psychopath are as “lucky” as I was, not everyone gets proof of an N’s extraordinary acting abilities.  But I will never forget James ability to switch on the tears at any given moment. Or go from sobbing about his ex’s death one minute to laughing about how it had always bothered her that he was with me. Even seeing it with my own eyes I doubted anyone could be as heartless as he is and still had moments of self doubt and thoughts that maybe I made him the way he was or deserved the way he treated me. It takes work to get over these toxic chameleons, don’t expect yourself to never have self doubt; you have to keep telling yourself the truth until it sinks in.

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In typical narcissist fashion he put on quite a display of emotions and made himself out to be the victim.

 

 

 

As it is he has only served a 6th of his sentence and was out of prison and under house arrest when this new verdict came down, it will be interesting to see what kind of sentence he will get now. For sure it won’t be the punishment he deserves.

I am ecstatic that for once a narcissist didn’t “get away with murder” but it still drives home the fact that even when a narcissist commits cold blooded murder he has people who will believe his innocence, is it any wonder victims of domestic abuse are not taken seriously and their pleas for help go unanswered?

Once again I was reading up on domestic abuse and the figures blow my mind, one in 4 women in Canada and the US will suffer abuse in her life time, one in 3 worldwide. Schizophrenia affects .04 % of the population and we hear about it all the time, yet it is estimated that 4% (I think a very low estimate) of the population are narcissists. Anorexia is said to be epidemic at 3.40 % of the population being affected. Yet we hardly ever hear about narcissists, there are no support groups or awareness campaigns about the Anti-Social disordered living among us. No one is teaching our girls how to protect themselves and recognize the signs of a toxic abusive soul sucker.

In the video below people who knew Reeva speak about who she was and the relationship she had with Pistorious; it could have been the story of anyone of the victims who have visited this blog, the immediate attraction, the whirlwind romance, he couldn’t get enough of her or do enough for her. Their relationship was described as “like something out of a movie”. Unfortunately the people who tell her story still believe that love was the basis of the relationship when love had nothing to do with it, Pistorious wanted to own Reeva, control her, and keep her all to himself, she was a possession to him; it had nothing to do with love.

Again it is proven that we have a long way to go in raising awareness about narcissists and domestic abuse and the need to educate victims, law enforcement, the courts and society in general. Don’t ever think your voice doesn’t make a difference, that one person can not create change and make a positive difference, or save lives. As victims unite around the globe, each speaking out about their experiences, there is a chorus rising up, getting louder and louder………eventually it will be so loud it can not be ignored.

I want to thank everyone who speaks out and tells their story on this blog, every time someone shares their story it validates my story; it is the combined effort of everyone here that makes the difference to victims looking for answers. I know whenever I was filled with self doubt I would read the comments on my blog and know that I could not be crazy and making it up, not if everyone had the same story as me. One person might be able to make up a wild story but there is no way hundreds of crazy, psycho bitches could all come up with the exact same experiences just by chance.

Never be silenced again!! United we are strong and through our combined voices we WILL end domestic abuse!

 

 

Remembering 9/11-Death is Death No Matter When or Where It Happens

I could not let 9/11 slip past without a mention. All those innocent people murdered and it was murder; not just killed, they didn’t just die. They were murdered in cold blood by a psychopath or a group of psychopaths. I am not going to get into conspiracy theories, or who’s to blame or anything like that.

I am just saying that for someone to do what they did they have to be a psychopath, lacking in empathy or a conscience. A psychopath is a psychopath no matter what mask he is wearing at different times. Underneath the mask is someone who can kill in cold blood if the payoff is good enough or if someone stands in the way of what they want.

Whether it is the World Trade Center or your bedroom does not change how dangerous they are. We are all in danger, because they are all around us. I am not being alarmist or extreme, I am telling the truth, which is more than any of them can do! But we can protect ourselves by being aware and not putting ourselves in deliberate harm’s way.

Just remember when he calls next time and he is sweet and loving, how horrible he was to you and how quickly he can do a complete 180, how he can smile to your face and stab you in the back.

You may not feel your situation is of the magnitude that 9/11/2001was but death is death and while you are struggling with accepting the severity of your situation and the fact that your partner is abusive and thus dangerous; you have family members who are worried sick and children who will be motherless if you died. You HAVE to stop being selfish (and you are you know) and think about the people who will suffer and ARE suffering because you can’t face reality.

Oh I know, he probably won’t kill you, not outright anyway. The odds are in your favor, you probably won’t be one of the 4000 women who die annually in the USA alone, at the hands of their significant other.

  • Injury from being battered far exceeds injury from rape, muggings, or car accidents; combined!
  • Worldwide among women aged 15-64 there are more injuries and death due to domestic abuse than from malaria, cancer and car accidents combined.

It is also true that 75% of domestic homicides happen just prior to or just after the victim leaves the relationship; so it is especially important that the victim have a safety plan and NOT go back or have contact with the abuser once she leaves.

I was stupid, and I was lucky to get out alive, I know that now more than ever. I didn’t know the statistics when I was with him, I didn’t know that psychopaths live amongst us, or that they can act and look as normal as the next guy, I thought it happened to “other” people.

Those people who died in 9/11 had no choice, they were not given a warning. They went to work one day expecting to go home that night, never did they envision themselves jumping from a window to their death to escape the inferno enveloping them. But you have been warned, you are aware and you are able to save yourself.

Please, download the safety plan at the top of the blog and plan your escape, speak out, get help, but don’t wait to die, you may not feel your life is worth anything without him but I am here to tell you, IT IS!! and there are people who love you who will tell you that also and who will live the rest of their lives blaming themselves for not doing something, anything, to save you; when it was totally in your control, not theirs.