Tag Archives: domestic abuse

Take This Short Quiz To See If You Could Be The Victim Of Abuse

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Society has many misconceptions of what kind of person becomes the victim of domestic violence. Seeing as October is Domestic Abuse Awareness Month I thought I would discuss the common traits of a typical victim.

I held many of the common judgements of abuse victims all through my 20’s and 30’s; I can remember saying things like:

  • “A man would only ever hit me once.”
  • “If a man ever hit ME, I would be out of there so fast his head would be spinning.”
  • “She must provoke him.”
  • “It can’t be that bad if she keeps going back.”
  • “It would never happen to me, I am too independent.”

I felt sorry for a victim of domestic abuse but I also thought she was weak, co-dependent, needy, and to be honest; not too smart.

By the time I was in my 30’s, 40’s, I felt immune to domestic abuse, I was self supporting, independent, confident, a homeowner, had a good job, AND I had never been in an abusive relationship. (I took shit from no man and could live without a man in my life better than most women)

When I met my ex I couldn’t believe my good fortune to meet a true sweetheart, someone who could talk openly about his feelings, who called when he was late, who couldn’t get enough of me and loved me just the way I was. He never got angry, we had so much in common, he had a great sense of humor and although he seemed like he was a little too sensitive and loved me more than I loved him; I had always been told by men I was too independent and I made the conscience decision allow a man to take care of me.

Little did I know 10 years later I would fear for my life and leave him with nothing, not even my self respect.

Take this quick quiz to see if you have the traits of a typical abuse victim.

  1. Are you honest and trust worthy?
  2. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance and can change?
  3. Are you a romantic at heart?
  4. Do you have high morals standards?
  5. Are you self sufficient and independent?
  6. Do you have a good job?
  7. Are you attractive?
  8. Fed up with men taking you for granted?
  9. Intelligent?
  10. Are you always there for your friends?
  11. If you say you are going to do something, do you follow through?
  12. Are you empathetic and intuitive; picking up on the emotions and moods of the people around you?
  13. Are you willing to admit you are wrong and try to change?
  14. Do you seem to instinctively know what people need and want?
  15. Are you generous and charitable?
  16. Have you been told you are too sensitive your whole life?
  17. Do you put the needs of others before your own?
  18. Do you try to resolve problems calmly and rationally?
  19. Do you believe relationships take work and if you love someone you don’t abandon them at the first sign of trouble?
  20. Do you believe everyone has a good side?

Who wouldn’t want to be described to have these traits? It doesn’t matter how many of the traits you answered yes to, because there is no typical victim, they come in all ages, races, economic backgrounds, they are lawyers, doctors, cleaning ladies and stay at home moms, they are grandmothers, and teenagers. No one is immune.

The things that led to me staying with my ex was my belief that I was immune to domestic abuse and that I was too strong and independent to ever let a man control me.

If we are to ever end domestic abuse we must dispel the erroneous stereotypes we have assigned the victims of abuse.

Narcissists generally do not want a weak needy woman, there is no challenge; the ego boost (narcissistic supply) comes from breaking a strong woman.

For years people thought women stayed because they needed the man to support them, so women fought for equal rights, equal pay, and they hold high paying power positions. Women now need a man less than ever in history and yet the stats for domestic abuse are not going down. In Canada, every 4 days a woman is killed by a family member and every 6 days a woman dies at the hands of her intimate partner. One in 4 women will experience domestic abuse in her lifetime. THAT is despicable!

Your best defense against ever becoming a victim of narcissistic abuse is knowledge, knowledge is power. Share your knowledge with others, not to expose your abuser, there is no way you can warn every woman he will end up dating and it just makes you look bitter and vengeful. If you want to end domestic abuse, educate society whenever the opportunity arises, educate our young women.

 

 

 

 

SSSShhhhh!! Don’t Say Narcissist or Psychopath

I run into it all the time and have actually changed the way I talk about domestic abuse; I leave the word “narcissist” or “psychopath” out of the conversation. For whatever reason people just shut down when you give a name to the abuser. It’s like, yeah, he is abusive but he’s not a narcissist or a psychopath. 

Ok. I don’t like labels either, we can call him “abusive” if that makes you more comfortable. But refusing to acknowledge they exist (narcissists and psychopaths) does not make them go away, they are still out there and they are still in your life whether you know it or not. They are living in your neighborhood, teaching your children, they are doctors, police, soldiers, bankers and many of them are sleeping in the bed of a totally unsuspecting woman. A woman who is laying there wondering what the hell happened to the man she fell in love with, wondering what she did wrong and what she can change to bring the loving sweet man she met, back.

When someone you love changes so drastically from a sweet caring guy who thinks the sun rises and sets on you into a evil, cruel, man with loathing in his eyes; you automatically look for a reason why he changed, brain tumor? People envision a psychopath looking like a psychopath! eyes that burn into you, an evil smirk, disheveled hair, they are sure they could pick a psychopath out of the crowd. They would never fall in love with a psychopath.

People get stuck on what to call them, are they sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists? They are all Anti-Social Disordered. That is a mouthful.

I was listening to a woman speak on domestic abuse survivors going back to their abuser. They go back on average 7 times before they leave for good, the reason for this is because as long as they think they have the power to fix the relationship they will keep going back. They will not stop until they have done absolutely everything they can to fix the relationship. That is what helped me stay away; every time I started to think I wanted to go back I would think about all the things I had changed trying to make it work, make him happy and nothing had worked; NOTHING! I tried to think of something I had not tried and couldn’t think of one thing, he had crossed every single boundary I had.

I didn’t know what I know now, what this woman was talking about; THEY CAN NOT CHANGE.

*NOTE I said they CAN NOT change, not they won’t, not they will not change, they can not change!! Their brains are wired differently, they do not have the capacity to feel guilt, empathy or remorse.

This woman said she showed brain scans to the victims of abuse and when they realized their ex was physically disabled and unable to change they were able to walk away.

I guess that is why being able to label the abuser becomes so important. The victims need to know, they can not “help”, fix or change him.

In order to stop domestic abuse, in order to save lives and educate society we have to call a spade a spade and admit they exist.

This is a link to a post I did a year ago

 

 

My Site Accused Of Being Gender Biased

I received these two comments on one of my posts recently, they are similar to other comments I have gotten from men about my blog not being gender neutral and I shouldn’t refer to the narcissist as “he”, “him” etc

“too biased towards the male as the abuser, be more neutral, women are just as if not more subtle and cruel”

“I have a friend who works in support of victims of crimes. She held a workshop for male victims of sexual abuse. They face an unusual difficulty of how society faces them. It’s worth the extra work, in my opinion, to make these sites gender neutral when it comes to verbal abuse. We can’t stop abuse if we subtly give women abusers a bit of a free pass.”

My response was a little on the defensive side but I stand by my reply. I don’t want to appear unsympathetic to the male victim but it is not the men dying at alarming rates, it is the women and it is the young women being raped and abused by men at an appalling rate; which is most disturbing in this “enlightened” day and age of “awareness”. Even with all the campaigns to raise awareness the figures show more cases of abuse than ever before. Someone might argue that the rate has gone up because more women are reporting the abuse to the authorities, but that is not the case. What is even more disturbing is the number of reported cases of abuse has dropped a bit but the number of women murdered by their domestic partner has risen significantly!

So here is my reply

You speak like all the websites about abuse are written by the same “people”, a group or a “club” “These sites” are written by victims of abuse who hope that by sharing their story they save someone else from the same fate. There is no committee that decides what topics get covered or what gender is identified.

I am fully aware that there are female narcissists and psychopaths, as there are gays and transgender narcissists, they come in all shapes, sexes and colors and are in every corner of the world. I have readers from obscure tiny countries I didn’t even know existed. Any person regardless of gender who has come here has been welcome and supported but I write from MY experience.  I have done a lot of research pertaining to the topic of narcissists and psychopaths. I can not count the hours I have dedicated to supporting victims, on here, by email, by phone and even contacting the FBI to help a woman. I receive the occasional donation from a grateful follower of the blog but if I were to break it down to how much per hour I have made while I have had this blog it wouldn’t be a penny an hour.

I state in my Welcome page that I may refer to “him” but I mean him/her, that I am writing from my frame of reference. I don’t feel it is necessary to keep repeating myself. If there are no sites focused on the male victims maybe a male should start one, why should I be concerned that men get equal time? When a man wants to pay me to write posts focused on the male perspective I will do so gladly, but until that time, this is my blog, about my experiences in an abusive relationship and I share in hopes I save other women from the same torture I went through. That said, I was approached a couple of years ago by a woman who wanted me to write her book for her because she thought I wrote with such passion; I turned her down because I knew I could not write about her experiences with the same passion I write about mine because I can only guess at how the experience felt for her I don’t know exactly how she felt, just as I can not possibly know how it feels for a man to be verbally or physically attacked by a woman.

None the less, the problem is not an epidemic among the male population but it has reached epidemic proportions for women, a study done in Atlanta revealed it is the leading cause of death for women aged 15-44. When I read a headline of a woman being found murdered I immediately assume it was domestic homicide and I am never wrong, when it is a man murdered it is usually a male assailant and not related to the victim. What is especially horrific is the recent spike in the number of fathers killing his children as a way to retaliate for his ex leaving him.

Just for the record here are some stats for you:

Every 9 seconds a woman in the United States is assaulted or beaten

1 in 3 woman will experience domestic physical abuse in her lifetime, for men it is 1 in 7.

1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have reported being stalked by an ex to the point of fearing for their life.

1 in 5 women in the US has been raped in her lifetime, for men the ratio is 1 in 71 and that does not specify how many of the rapists who raped the men were men, ie: in prisons etc the rape stats are very high, but it is men raping men.

19.3 million women compared to 5.1 million men report having been stalked by an intimate partner in their life.

72% of all murder suicides involve an intimate partner, 94% of the victims were females.

Between 2003 and 2008 142 women were murdered in their workplace by their abuser.

In Canada a woman dies every 6 days at the hands of her male partner in the US it jumps to 3 women a day die at the hands of the man who says he loves her.

A few other fun facts:

The total number of American soldiers killed in Afghanistan and Iraq between 2001-2012 was 6488. The total number of women killed by her intimate partner during the same time frame was 11,766; nearly double.

85% of domestic abuse victims are female

A woman is 70 times more likely to be murdered within the first few weeks of leaving an abusive relationship

Only 25% of domestic abuse cases are ever reported to the police so the figures are more than likely low and doesn’t take into account things like cut brake lines, etc