Tag Archives: domestic abuse

SSSShhhhh!! Don’t Say Narcissist or Psychopath

I run into it all the time and have actually changed the way I talk about domestic abuse; I leave the word “narcissist” or “psychopath” out of the conversation. For whatever reason people just shut down when you give a name to the abuser. It’s like, yeah, he is abusive but he’s not a narcissist or a psychopath. 

Ok. I don’t like labels either, we can call him “abusive” if that makes you more comfortable. But refusing to acknowledge they exist (narcissists and psychopaths) does not make them go away, they are still out there and they are still in your life whether you know it or not. They are living in your neighborhood, teaching your children, they are doctors, police, soldiers, bankers and many of them are sleeping in the bed of a totally unsuspecting woman. A woman who is laying there wondering what the hell happened to the man she fell in love with, wondering what she did wrong and what she can change to bring the loving sweet man she met, back.

When someone you love changes so drastically from a sweet caring guy who thinks the sun rises and sets on you into a evil, cruel, man with loathing in his eyes; you automatically look for a reason why he changed, brain tumor? People envision a psychopath looking like a psychopath! eyes that burn into you, an evil smirk, disheveled hair, they are sure they could pick a psychopath out of the crowd. They would never fall in love with a psychopath.

People get stuck on what to call them, are they sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists? They are all Anti-Social Disordered. That is a mouthful.

I was listening to a woman speak on domestic abuse survivors going back to their abuser. They go back on average 7 times before they leave for good, the reason for this is because as long as they think they have the power to fix the relationship they will keep going back. They will not stop until they have done absolutely everything they can to fix the relationship. That is what helped me stay away; every time I started to think I wanted to go back I would think about all the things I had changed trying to make it work, make him happy and nothing had worked; NOTHING! I tried to think of something I had not tried and couldn’t think of one thing, he had crossed every single boundary I had.

I didn’t know what I know now, what this woman was talking about; THEY CAN NOT CHANGE.

*NOTE I said they CAN NOT change, not they won’t, not they will not change, they can not change!! Their brains are wired differently, they do not have the capacity to feel guilt, empathy or remorse.

This woman said she showed brain scans to the victims of abuse and when they realized their ex was physically disabled and unable to change they were able to walk away.

I guess that is why being able to label the abuser becomes so important. The victims need to know, they can not “help”, fix or change him.

In order to stop domestic abuse, in order to save lives and educate society we have to call a spade a spade and admit they exist.

This is a link to a post I did a year ago

 

 

My Site Accused Of Being Gender Biased

I received these two comments on one of my posts recently, they are similar to other comments I have gotten from men about my blog not being gender neutral and I shouldn’t refer to the narcissist as “he”, “him” etc

“too biased towards the male as the abuser, be more neutral, women are just as if not more subtle and cruel”

“I have a friend who works in support of victims of crimes. She held a workshop for male victims of sexual abuse. They face an unusual difficulty of how society faces them. It’s worth the extra work, in my opinion, to make these sites gender neutral when it comes to verbal abuse. We can’t stop abuse if we subtly give women abusers a bit of a free pass.”

My response was a little on the defensive side but I stand by my reply. I don’t want to appear unsympathetic to the male victim but it is not the men dying at alarming rates, it is the women and it is the young women being raped and abused by men at an appalling rate; which is most disturbing in this “enlightened” day and age of “awareness”. Even with all the campaigns to raise awareness the figures show more cases of abuse than ever before. Someone might argue that the rate has gone up because more women are reporting the abuse to the authorities, but that is not the case. What is even more disturbing is the number of reported cases of abuse has dropped a bit but the number of women murdered by their domestic partner has risen significantly!

So here is my reply

You speak like all the websites about abuse are written by the same “people”, a group or a “club” “These sites” are written by victims of abuse who hope that by sharing their story they save someone else from the same fate. There is no committee that decides what topics get covered or what gender is identified.

I am fully aware that there are female narcissists and psychopaths, as there are gays and transgender narcissists, they come in all shapes, sexes and colors and are in every corner of the world. I have readers from obscure tiny countries I didn’t even know existed. Any person regardless of gender who has come here has been welcome and supported but I write from MY experience.  I have done a lot of research pertaining to the topic of narcissists and psychopaths. I can not count the hours I have dedicated to supporting victims, on here, by email, by phone and even contacting the FBI to help a woman. I receive the occasional donation from a grateful follower of the blog but if I were to break it down to how much per hour I have made while I have had this blog it wouldn’t be a penny an hour.

I state in my Welcome page that I may refer to “him” but I mean him/her, that I am writing from my frame of reference. I don’t feel it is necessary to keep repeating myself. If there are no sites focused on the male victims maybe a male should start one, why should I be concerned that men get equal time? When a man wants to pay me to write posts focused on the male perspective I will do so gladly, but until that time, this is my blog, about my experiences in an abusive relationship and I share in hopes I save other women from the same torture I went through. That said, I was approached a couple of years ago by a woman who wanted me to write her book for her because she thought I wrote with such passion; I turned her down because I knew I could not write about her experiences with the same passion I write about mine because I can only guess at how the experience felt for her I don’t know exactly how she felt, just as I can not possibly know how it feels for a man to be verbally or physically attacked by a woman.

None the less, the problem is not an epidemic among the male population but it has reached epidemic proportions for women, a study done in Atlanta revealed it is the leading cause of death for women aged 15-44. When I read a headline of a woman being found murdered I immediately assume it was domestic homicide and I am never wrong, when it is a man murdered it is usually a male assailant and not related to the victim. What is especially horrific is the recent spike in the number of fathers killing his children as a way to retaliate for his ex leaving him.

Just for the record here are some stats for you:

Every 9 seconds a woman in the United States is assaulted or beaten

1 in 3 woman will experience domestic physical abuse in her lifetime, for men it is 1 in 7.

1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have reported being stalked by an ex to the point of fearing for their life.

1 in 5 women in the US has been raped in her lifetime, for men the ratio is 1 in 71 and that does not specify how many of the rapists who raped the men were men, ie: in prisons etc the rape stats are very high, but it is men raping men.

19.3 million women compared to 5.1 million men report having been stalked by an intimate partner in their life.

72% of all murder suicides involve an intimate partner, 94% of the victims were females.

Between 2003 and 2008 142 women were murdered in their workplace by their abuser.

In Canada a woman dies every 6 days at the hands of her male partner in the US it jumps to 3 women a day die at the hands of the man who says he loves her.

A few other fun facts:

The total number of American soldiers killed in Afghanistan and Iraq between 2001-2012 was 6488. The total number of women killed by her intimate partner during the same time frame was 11,766; nearly double.

85% of domestic abuse victims are female

A woman is 70 times more likely to be murdered within the first few weeks of leaving an abusive relationship

Only 25% of domestic abuse cases are ever reported to the police so the figures are more than likely low and doesn’t take into account things like cut brake lines, etc

Oscar Pistorius Finally Found Guilty Of Murder

To be honest, I never thought Oscar Pistorius would face the charge of murder, I didn’t have faith in the laws and society to see the truth. But the appeal court agreed with the prosecutors that the manslaughter conviction had been based on a misinterpretation of the law.

How his guilt could have ever been in doubt I don’t know but then I remember my own mother’s reaction to his sobbing in court, snot and all; declaring his innocence.

My mother had been surprised I thought he was guilty, after all he threw up he was so upset about what happened, and he sobbed so hard in court and well, he had reason to feel vulnerable what with not having his legs. When I had pointed out he had a history of abusing past girlfriends she had said, “Oh but that was years ago!” I wanted to believe my mother was the minority but the longer the court case went on it seemed she just may have been in the majority, with the opinion that at least that there wasn’t enough evidence to convict him of murder.

The story he told was that he woke up to a noise and thought his place had been broken into, grabbed his gun and heard noises coming from the bathroom. Believing the thief had locked himself in the bathroom Pistorious chose to shoot through the bathroom door; without calling out to see who was in there, even though his beloved girlfriend was not in the bed beside him when he woke and got out of bed.

Oscar-Pistorius

This is a man who was supposed to be a trained in how to handle a gun and yet, did not wait to identify his victim before shooting blindly into a locked door? My father taught me how to handle a gun before I even reached my teens.

If someone broke into the house I was to get his gun from where he kept it stored and the ammunition from where IT was stored, load the gun, position myself in the bathtub (because from that location I could see straight down the hall into the living room and my back would be against the wall.) I was to sit there and wait until I could see who I was about to shoot so as not to shoot a family member. Luckily I never had to test my aim or nerve to shoot someone but I can tell you, I would NOT have shot into a locked bathroom door without knowing where my partner was first.

So typical of a narcissist/psychopath that he didn’t even think that anyone would think twice about his defense. What kind of coward would wake up to an empty bed and not immediately call out for his girlfriend to ensure her safety? Why on earth would he assume it was a thief locked in the bathroom?

Because it was all a lie, him and Reeva had argued that night as they did many times because of his jealousy. He got enraged and she was afraid for her life and locked herself in the bathroom thinking she would be safe in there. In a rage and knowing she had reached her fill; was going to leave him and he could not stand the thought of losing her to some other man, he got the gun he kept by his bed and shot through the door, killing her in cold blood.

Not all victims of a narcissist/psychopath are as “lucky” as I was, not everyone gets proof of an N’s extraordinary acting abilities.  But I will never forget James ability to switch on the tears at any given moment. Or go from sobbing about his ex’s death one minute to laughing about how it had always bothered her that he was with me. Even seeing it with my own eyes I doubted anyone could be as heartless as he is and still had moments of self doubt and thoughts that maybe I made him the way he was or deserved the way he treated me. It takes work to get over these toxic chameleons, don’t expect yourself to never have self doubt; you have to keep telling yourself the truth until it sinks in.

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oscar

In typical narcissist fashion he put on quite a display of emotions and made himself out to be the victim.

 

 

 

As it is he has only served a 6th of his sentence and was out of prison and under house arrest when this new verdict came down, it will be interesting to see what kind of sentence he will get now. For sure it won’t be the punishment he deserves.

I am ecstatic that for once a narcissist didn’t “get away with murder” but it still drives home the fact that even when a narcissist commits cold blooded murder he has people who will believe his innocence, is it any wonder victims of domestic abuse are not taken seriously and their pleas for help go unanswered?

Once again I was reading up on domestic abuse and the figures blow my mind, one in 4 women in Canada and the US will suffer abuse in her life time, one in 3 worldwide. Schizophrenia affects .04 % of the population and we hear about it all the time, yet it is estimated that 4% (I think a very low estimate) of the population are narcissists. Anorexia is said to be epidemic at 3.40 % of the population being affected. Yet we hardly ever hear about narcissists, there are no support groups or awareness campaigns about the Anti-Social disordered living among us. No one is teaching our girls how to protect themselves and recognize the signs of a toxic abusive soul sucker.

In the video below people who knew Reeva speak about who she was and the relationship she had with Pistorious; it could have been the story of anyone of the victims who have visited this blog, the immediate attraction, the whirlwind romance, he couldn’t get enough of her or do enough for her. Their relationship was described as “like something out of a movie”. Unfortunately the people who tell her story still believe that love was the basis of the relationship when love had nothing to do with it, Pistorious wanted to own Reeva, control her, and keep her all to himself, she was a possession to him; it had nothing to do with love.

Again it is proven that we have a long way to go in raising awareness about narcissists and domestic abuse and the need to educate victims, law enforcement, the courts and society in general. Don’t ever think your voice doesn’t make a difference, that one person can not create change and make a positive difference, or save lives. As victims unite around the globe, each speaking out about their experiences, there is a chorus rising up, getting louder and louder………eventually it will be so loud it can not be ignored.

I want to thank everyone who speaks out and tells their story on this blog, every time someone shares their story it validates my story; it is the combined effort of everyone here that makes the difference to victims looking for answers. I know whenever I was filled with self doubt I would read the comments on my blog and know that I could not be crazy and making it up, not if everyone had the same story as me. One person might be able to make up a wild story but there is no way hundreds of crazy, psycho bitches could all come up with the exact same experiences just by chance.

Never be silenced again!! United we are strong and through our combined voices we WILL end domestic abuse!