Tag Archives: Domestic Abuse Awareness

My Site Accused Of Being Gender Biased

I received these two comments on one of my posts recently, they are similar to other comments I have gotten from men about my blog not being gender neutral and I shouldn’t refer to the narcissist as “he”, “him” etc

“too biased towards the male as the abuser, be more neutral, women are just as if not more subtle and cruel”

“I have a friend who works in support of victims of crimes. She held a workshop for male victims of sexual abuse. They face an unusual difficulty of how society faces them. It’s worth the extra work, in my opinion, to make these sites gender neutral when it comes to verbal abuse. We can’t stop abuse if we subtly give women abusers a bit of a free pass.”

My response was a little on the defensive side but I stand by my reply. I don’t want to appear unsympathetic to the male victim but it is not the men dying at alarming rates, it is the women and it is the young women being raped and abused by men at an appalling rate; which is most disturbing in this “enlightened” day and age of “awareness”. Even with all the campaigns to raise awareness the figures show more cases of abuse than ever before. Someone might argue that the rate has gone up because more women are reporting the abuse to the authorities, but that is not the case. What is even more disturbing is the number of reported cases of abuse has dropped a bit but the number of women murdered by their domestic partner has risen significantly!

So here is my reply

You speak like all the websites about abuse are written by the same “people”, a group or a “club” “These sites” are written by victims of abuse who hope that by sharing their story they save someone else from the same fate. There is no committee that decides what topics get covered or what gender is identified.

I am fully aware that there are female narcissists and psychopaths, as there are gays and transgender narcissists, they come in all shapes, sexes and colors and are in every corner of the world. I have readers from obscure tiny countries I didn’t even know existed. Any person regardless of gender who has come here has been welcome and supported but I write from MY experience.  I have done a lot of research pertaining to the topic of narcissists and psychopaths. I can not count the hours I have dedicated to supporting victims, on here, by email, by phone and even contacting the FBI to help a woman. I receive the occasional donation from a grateful follower of the blog but if I were to break it down to how much per hour I have made while I have had this blog it wouldn’t be a penny an hour.

I state in my Welcome page that I may refer to “him” but I mean him/her, that I am writing from my frame of reference. I don’t feel it is necessary to keep repeating myself. If there are no sites focused on the male victims maybe a male should start one, why should I be concerned that men get equal time? When a man wants to pay me to write posts focused on the male perspective I will do so gladly, but until that time, this is my blog, about my experiences in an abusive relationship and I share in hopes I save other women from the same torture I went through. That said, I was approached a couple of years ago by a woman who wanted me to write her book for her because she thought I wrote with such passion; I turned her down because I knew I could not write about her experiences with the same passion I write about mine because I can only guess at how the experience felt for her I don’t know exactly how she felt, just as I can not possibly know how it feels for a man to be verbally or physically attacked by a woman.

None the less, the problem is not an epidemic among the male population but it has reached epidemic proportions for women, a study done in Atlanta revealed it is the leading cause of death for women aged 15-44. When I read a headline of a woman being found murdered I immediately assume it was domestic homicide and I am never wrong, when it is a man murdered it is usually a male assailant and not related to the victim. What is especially horrific is the recent spike in the number of fathers killing his children as a way to retaliate for his ex leaving him.

Just for the record here are some stats for you:

Every 9 seconds a woman in the United States is assaulted or beaten

1 in 3 woman will experience domestic physical abuse in her lifetime, for men it is 1 in 7.

1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have reported being stalked by an ex to the point of fearing for their life.

1 in 5 women in the US has been raped in her lifetime, for men the ratio is 1 in 71 and that does not specify how many of the rapists who raped the men were men, ie: in prisons etc the rape stats are very high, but it is men raping men.

19.3 million women compared to 5.1 million men report having been stalked by an intimate partner in their life.

72% of all murder suicides involve an intimate partner, 94% of the victims were females.

Between 2003 and 2008 142 women were murdered in their workplace by their abuser.

In Canada a woman dies every 6 days at the hands of her male partner in the US it jumps to 3 women a day die at the hands of the man who says he loves her.

A few other fun facts:

The total number of American soldiers killed in Afghanistan and Iraq between 2001-2012 was 6488. The total number of women killed by her intimate partner during the same time frame was 11,766; nearly double.

85% of domestic abuse victims are female

A woman is 70 times more likely to be murdered within the first few weeks of leaving an abusive relationship

Only 25% of domestic abuse cases are ever reported to the police so the figures are more than likely low and doesn’t take into account things like cut brake lines, etc

Domestic Abuse Business Cards

One last quick post. I made up these business cards and wanted to make you aware they are available because people on here voiced an interest a long time ago when I mentioned making some up after I overheard a young girl confiding in a friend about relationship and I knew she was talking about a narcissist. I wrote my number on a piece of paper with my website but I had wished I could just hand her a business card.

This is a generic card that can be used by anyone in the world. it gives my website address and on the back a short list of signs you are involved with a narcissist. I think everyone should have a few on hand, you never know when you are going to run into someone who could use it. It is much easier to hand a stranger a business card than to try to talk to them.

Here is the link to Zazzle, under $30 for 100 cards, You could save a life! The link didn’t work before and it has been fixed now. Sorry about that!


Apathy And The Destruction Of Society

A short but very well written and spoken speech by a young woman from Edmonton Alberta at Tedx Talks

Watch it here.

Apathy is one of the tools the narcissist (or abuser) rely on the most, without it he could never get away with the things he does. He counts on people “minding their own business” , “not wanting to interfere” and “as long as it’s not happening to me” attitudes.

I wasn’t apathetic prior to meeting my ex, I was uneducated and judgemental, I thought I was too strong to ever be abused and that only weak women got into abusive relationships, and yes I even suspected there was some part of them that enjoyed it. I had a girlfriend who called me quite regularly in the middle of the night to ask for help getting her boyfriend at the time to “just leave”. They were always hot or cold, there was no in between. They could be screaming at each other one night and all lovey dovey the next. He would follow her and spy on her, she was beautiful, many men became obsessed with her. She could have anyone she wanted but she always seemed to attract the abusive ones.

At first I would go running over there and all it took was for me to come around the corner and her boyfriend would switch from the screaming maniac he had been into a calm rational agreeable guy. I finally refused to go running over there and I admit I started judging her. She got a restraining order and then would sneak out to meet him, sneak him in the house after her daughter went to bed and I just did not understand.

That is until I had a restraining order on my ex and I found myself sneaking out to meet him on some dead end road, sure he was the love of my life and it was a mistake, he had changed and our love was going to get us through this. MY love was going to prove to him that he had nothing to fear, I was never going to leave him, I was never going to cheat on him. I knew with every fibre of my being; neither one of us had ever known such a deep intense love and we were meant to be together.

I didn’t enjoy being hit, I didn’t enjoy the verbal battery I endured day after day, I didn’t believe I deserved it either. I just believed he was not that man, at those times he was battling demons from his past and if I stuck with him and proved my love I could help him fight those demons and he would finally realize I was not the enemy and we would be able to bask in the glow of our love forever more.

It was not apathy for me with my friend it was lack of understanding.

Between apathy, lack of understanding and uneducated judgements many abused women are left to suffer in silence and the problem grows and women die.

We have to keep breaking the silence and raising awareness even if the month of October is gone for this year, raising awareness has to be 12 months of the year.