Tag Archives: domestic violence

Don’t Wait Until It’s Too Late

I have been there, believe me. Deep down you know you are in danger but when you tell anyone they doubt you and then you doubt yourself. Maybe you are paranoid, maybe you are imagining things.

Please, I was lucky, it took my sister-in-law telling me he would kill me if I didn’t leave. Maybe God let me live because he needed me to educate people, be there to support victims. I should have, could have died several times.

I was reading a post the other day about Flying Monkeys and the damage they do. I always read the comments on posts and this one was no different. That is where I read the following comment.

I’m going through something ive never seen written about. My ex has fm that sneak into my daughters attic and stay above only the room im in….so who hears them right. Plus they have a newly redone attic that make little noise. They throw liquid on me, use something to make burns on my head. Use something to make me so tired i actually passed out withfood in my mouth. What do i do? Pray. Its been 4 years we broke up and we r divorced. I did divorce. He got everything. Our business ect. I had many hospital stays in our 37 yr marriage. I had 11 kidney stones……bladder so red they thought i had cancer. He was always cold and distant. I am 57 never had kidney stones. Got so bad i couldnt pee. Then just blood……he got weird phone call and i heard him say no shes just scared. He has been abusive in everyway. Near the end i was passing out at random times and am again. Help!!

ML (she used her full name but for her protection I am using her initials, just in case I am wrong) you need to move immediately. Find a safe shelter for domestic abuse victims. It is unlikely the police will believe you because it does sound far fetched. I believe you, but only because I have been there. People who haven’t experienced the abuse of a narc think, “But that doesn’t make sense. Why would someone do that?” The only answer is, “because they are a narcissist. They are evil soul destroyers”.
Plan your escape very carefully and covertly. No one can know. Once you have a safe place to go to leave in one fell swoop. Take what you can and leave the rest, nothing is worth your life. I left with $5 and my dog and slept in my truck. It’s been a long haul and life has been tough but I never regretted getting away and now 8 years after leaving my life is anxiety free, and I have good friends I can trust.
As long as you live where they have access to you, you are not safe.
Good luck.

ML, also, if that is your real name stop using it to post on social media immediately!! Do a Google search of your name and see what shows up. Any comments you make will show up in a Google search. If they are spying on you, you can bet they are tracking your Internet activity. Also check your vehicle for a tracking device and get a different phone. It’s amazingly easy to hack into a person’s cell phone and have full access to a person’s photos, text messages, and GPS. They can listen in on all your conversations and actually see what you are doing, even if you think your phone is off.

I immediately got out of that post and did a Google search on her name and the only thing that came up was an Obituary saying she died Dec 28, 2018. She comment was made 36 weeks ago, that would have meant her comment was made at the end of June 2018.

I am not saying her ex killed her. I don’t know her or him at all.

I DO know there are many ways to kill a person, you don’t have to even be in the same vicinity.

There are many ways a rcissist can kill a person; by slowly poisoning them physically or mentally. They can make their life so unbearable they feel their only escape is to kill themselves. (By getting them fired, evicted, cut off assistance, turn their kids against them, ruin their reputation) They can make them feel useless and turn everyone against them. Or they can make them feel (and act) paranoid and crazy. They can badger them incessantly with taunting phone calls, emails and text messages. They can destroy their property until they own nothing at all. Some, like my ex tamper with the victims vehicle, cutting brake lines, loosening lugnuts, the steering.

The stress alone can kill them, a woman leaving an abusive relationship is 75% more likely to get a chronic illness like cancer or like in my case, heart failure. Almost all victims end up with PTSD.

Unfortunately, since I started this blog I personally know of at least 6 women who were killed by their narcissist ex. That is just the ones I know for sure, there are more, like this woman, I suspect their killer is walking free.

The victim is often so deep into cognitive dissonance they convince themselves the narcissist is not really dangerous and deep down loves them and couldn’t really hurt them. They think they know the narcissist better than anyone and can handle him. They think they will be able to talk him out of hurting her or be able to outsmart him.

They also think they can’t live without the narcissist, or they can wean themselves off the narc. Or, they think one day they will have their fill and be able to walk away without it hurting like hell. The narc will hurt them one last time and they will kick him to the curb and never doubt their decision. All lies.

You can not ever be “ready” to leave, you will have self doubt, and he is going to try everything to make you doubt yourself.

As long as you remain in contact with the narcissist, in any form at all, even through friends and family; you are putting yourself in danger.

And yes, I too found myself wishing he would just kill me and get it over with because I didn’t think I could leave and start all over alone. I had nothing, I was 51, I just didn’t feel strong enough, couldn’t see ever having a life worth living but I dug deep and took that first step.

You don’t know what the future holds if you leave, but you know what the future will be like if you stay; and it only gets worse. Your only chance for a better life is to leave.

I am not saying leaving isn’t hard, it IS hard, you are going to cry and go through all kinds of emotions and you will struggle with yourself to not call him BUT it does get better and easier.

That much I can promise you!!

You don’t know how strong you are until you make it through something you didn’t think you could. If it was easy you wouldn’t need strength or courage.

Don’t give up on yourself!!

Don’t let him/her win!

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Does Anger Management Work For A Narcissist?

One of the search terms on my blog today was, “Does anger management work for a narcissist?

If the person asking the question had researched narcissists they would know nothing cures a narcissist, their brains are not formed like a normal brain and they don’t have the capability to feel empathy and they don’t think anything is wrong with them.

In the rare cases where a narcissist isn’t successful in getting the victim to drop the domestic abuse charges and they do make it to court it is quite common for the judge to sentence the narcissist to take anger management classes.

A few years ago I had a class with a fellow who taught anger management groups for men charged with domestic abuse and I asked him how successful the classes were. Like did the classes actually work? Personally I think most abusive husbands are narcissists, I don’t know that they all are and maybe for some it does work. But there are a few facts that make me think it is highly unlikely.

He told me he had absolutely no idea if the classes worked because there was no follow-up. He said the guys told him they were doing better but he admitted he had no was of knowing for sure that they didn’t go home after the class and beat their partner. If a narcissist feels it is the only way to get the woman to come back to him he will promise anything and go through the motions. My ex went several years without hitting me when I had kicked him out and kept him at a distance. Once he had me convinced he had changed and I went back to him the abuse started again and was 10 times worse.

The other problem with anger management not stopping the abuse is; it has absolutely nothing to do with anger. Domestic abuse is never just physical abuse, no woman would stay if it was only physical, long before the abuser hits a woman he has emotionally, mentally and often times financially or sexually abused her. He usually won’t get physical until he is sure he has her sufficiently beaten down emotionally first.

He may use anger as an excuse for abusing the woman, she made him do it by pissing him off. If only she wouldn’t make him so angry by pushing his buttons, he wouldn’t have to beat her. They can control their anger just fine in front of other people. You can be out and having a good time and the minute you are in private he is angry and looking for a fight. No matter how hard you try to avoid an argument he is like a dog with a bone and won’t let up.

I can remember on my birthday one time, he had forgotten my birthday and I had said something about him forgetting. He didn’t say anything at the time and after work he told me to meet him at his work and he would take me out for supper. I was determined to not argue on my birthday. At his work he was the epitome of the loving husband, telling everyone he had forgotten my birthday and was going to try to make it up to me by taking me out for supper. I was thrilled and looking forward to a nice night out.

We walked out the door and I said, “So, are we taking you truck or my car? Or should I meet you there?”

Him, “What are you talking about?”

Me, “Dinner. Do you want to meet there or ride together?”

Him, looking totally annoyed, “What the fuck are you talking about?, dinner? I’m going to the race track. I don’t know what you are doing.”

Me, “I wouldn’t mind going to the track.”

“No, just go home.”

Me, “But you said you were taking me out for my birthday.”

Him, “I’m broke, do you have money for dinner?”

Me, “Yeah, I do. I’ll buy us dinner.”

Him as he got in his truck, “Just go home.”

So I went and bought myself a bottle of wine and went home, determined I was not going to fight on my birthday.

I putzed in my garden until it got too dark to see and then went inside. He came home with a bottle of Rye and case of beer for himself and a carton of smokes and then proceeded to tell me how selfish I was to buy myself a bottle of wine. I said, “Please, not on my birthday.” But he would not let up and kept at me about me being so selfish and I needed to get out and support myself so I knew what it was like (I was in my 40’s and worked my whole life, raised my son on my own, it didn’t even make sense).

He would not let me defend myself and walked out of the house to go to the shop, I grabbed his arm and reached up to touch his face. I was going to say, “I love you. Please lets not fight.” But I never got it out. Next thing I know my head is hitting the cupboard behind me and I woke up on the floor with him straddling me, holding my hands above my head with one hand and his other made into a fist ready to hit me again.

I said, “Go ahead, hit me again, does it make you feel like a man?”

He stormed out to the shop.

It had nothing to do with anger, it was control, it was wanting to ruin my birthday, it was whittling away at my self esteem and keeping me off balance; but it was not that he lost his temper and hit me in a fit of rage. He had controlled his anger just fine at his work, he knew he wasn’t taking me for dinner when we were there.

A narcissist can be in the middle of beating his wife if someone rings the doorbell he can answer the door and be Mr Congeniality like the flip of a switch. He could control his anger amazingly well with everyone else. Guys would rip him off for hundred of dollars and he wouldn’t do or say anything. I would be angry for him and give people shit in his defense because he would never stand up for himself to a man.

If someone has an anger management problem it shouldn’t be selective; if they can control their anger with a man they can control it with their partner.

So, does anger management work? My guess is no. BUT even IF the narcissist stopped hitting you I know when I was with my ex, it wasn’t the physical abuse that left the deepest scars; it was the emotional abuse, the porn, cheating, controlling the money, where I went, disabling my truck and destroying my business, the rejection, the emotional roller ride from hell.

 

Remembering 9/11-Death is Death No Matter When or Where It Happens

I could not let 9/11 slip past without a mention. All those innocent people murdered and it was murder; not just killed, they didn’t just die. They were murdered in cold blood by a psychopath or a group of psychopaths. I am not going to get into conspiracy theories, or who’s to blame or anything like that.

I am just saying that for someone to do what they did they have to be a psychopath, lacking in empathy or a conscience. A psychopath is a psychopath no matter what mask he is wearing at different times. Underneath the mask is someone who can kill in cold blood if the payoff is good enough or if someone stands in the way of what they want.

Whether it is the World Trade Center or your bedroom does not change how dangerous they are. We are all in danger, because they are all around us. I am not being alarmist or extreme, I am telling the truth, which is more than any of them can do! But we can protect ourselves by being aware and not putting ourselves in deliberate harm’s way.

Just remember when he calls next time and he is sweet and loving, how horrible he was to you and how quickly he can do a complete 180, how he can smile to your face and stab you in the back.

You may not feel your situation is of the magnitude that 9/11/2001was but death is death and while you are struggling with accepting the severity of your situation and the fact that your partner is abusive and thus dangerous; you have family members who are worried sick and children who will be motherless if you died. You HAVE to stop being selfish (and you are you know) and think about the people who will suffer and ARE suffering because you can’t face reality.

Oh I know, he probably won’t kill you, not outright anyway. The odds are in your favor, you probably won’t be one of the 4000 women who die annually in the USA alone, at the hands of their significant other.

  • Injury from being battered far exceeds injury from rape, muggings, or car accidents; combined!
  • Worldwide among women aged 15-64 there are more injuries and death due to domestic abuse than from malaria, cancer and car accidents combined.

It is also true that 75% of domestic homicides happen just prior to or just after the victim leaves the relationship; so it is especially important that the victim have a safety plan and NOT go back or have contact with the abuser once she leaves.

I was stupid, and I was lucky to get out alive, I know that now more than ever. I didn’t know the statistics when I was with him, I didn’t know that psychopaths live amongst us, or that they can act and look as normal as the next guy, I thought it happened to “other” people.

Those people who died in 9/11 had no choice, they were not given a warning. They went to work one day expecting to go home that night, never did they envision themselves jumping from a window to their death to escape the inferno enveloping them. But you have been warned, you are aware and you are able to save yourself.

Please, download the safety plan at the top of the blog and plan your escape, speak out, get help, but don’t wait to die, you may not feel your life is worth anything without him but I am here to tell you, IT IS!! and there are people who love you who will tell you that also and who will live the rest of their lives blaming themselves for not doing something, anything, to save you; when it was totally in your control, not theirs.

I Can’t Seem To Stay Away-No Contact Is Just Too Hard

“He always talks his way back into my life”, “I don’t think he could ever really hurt me”, “Once we split he always feels so sorry and I take him back”, “He just won’t leave me alone, I asked him to, but he keeps calling, telling me he needs me”; “I feel sorry for him”, “He admitted to everything he ever did wrong and cried real tears”, “I will just go talk to him, hear what he has to say”, “I know I should stay away but he makes me feel guilty”, “I know he is a liar, I just want to see what he has to say for himself”, “I know he is unhealthy for me but I can’t help it, I love him, I need him, I am addicted to him”, “I am trying to wean myself from him slowly,” “maybe if I break it off slowly it won’t hurt so bad or he will slowly get the hint and find someone else”.

I am sure I have missed a few of the excuses you tell yourself and anyone who asks why you keep him in your life even though he makes you so unhappy and treats you so badly. You probably think you are only hurting yourself, what harm can it do to just hear what he has to say? You can always think of a hundred reason to call him, I remember almost daily I could come up with some problem only he could solve, or need advice only he could give, or have some need to be in his neighborhood. Especially when you first split, every where you go you are thinking about him, you see something that you know he would like, you hear something that you know would interest him, you will feel the need to contact him dozens of times in a day. It took me over a year to not want to buy something I knew he would like, or when I saw something while hauling scrap that I knew he would have been thrilled to get off my truck; I struggled with tossing it off the truck and not giving it to him. I remember how we would split and still never go a full day without seeing each other or at least making contact somehow. I would lie to everyone, even myself; and say I won’t take him back this time, this time he had taken it too far, cheated one too many times, or messed with my truck for the last time but I really wanted him to come to me and beg me to come back. I was a prime candidate to be sucked in by the lies, because I wanted to hear them so bad. As long as he was lying to me, I could lie to myself and I was off the hook and didn’t have to take responsibility for my own pain. After all, he lied; I was honest. But to be honest, I knew when he was lying, especially in the last few years, the last time he came to apologize, I knew he was lying but i didn’t have proof, plus he was saying all the things I longed to hear for so long and I didn’t have any better offers. I wanted to believe he was being honest, so I did.

I conveniently forgot those times when he had stalked me, the times I had feared for my life, he appeared so sincere now in front of me with tears streaming down his face, this man in front of me was not the same man who had stood towering over me spewing his hate-filled venom at me, calling me a selfish bitch with his fists clenched and loathing in his eyes, as I ;lay curled in a ball in the corner with my arms wrapped around my head yelling for help. After all, we had gone a couple of years without any sign of violence on his part, mind you, I had been independent and had my own place so he was not in the power position, he knew it was easy for me to leave. That is why when we got back together he had to destroy my truck and my ability to be independent. Once he did, there was nothing to stop his hatred. There is no way i can tell you what he was thinking. it makes no sense to beg a person back so you can hate them, make them dependent on you so you can reject them. That is something that someone filled with hate would do. A normal person would want to get as far away as possible from a person they hate.  He told me once that he had never been as violence with any women like he was with me and that when I was curled in a ball and he saw that fear in my eyes he felt powerful, he liked it, knowing he could reduce me to a shake blob of fear curled on the floor. but it disgusted him at the same time, he didn’t respect me.

As with all things, what gives a person a rush of adrenaline, what excites them loses it’s effect after a while and the narcissist has to ramp it up to get the same sense of power. For one thing, the victim gets immune to the abuse and doesn’t react as strongly the 15th time she catches him screwing around, he knows she will take him back, she always does, she knows she will take him back, she always does. It becomes “just the way they are”, the victim gets complacent and loses her natural instincts to sense danger because it has become part of the day, part of the way the relationship “works”, he gets angry, she does this, he does that, he apologizes, she forgives, and so it goes but it gets boring for the narcissist. The narcissist thrives on power, if he can make you cry he feels in control, after you have forgiven him so many times he has to do something worse to prove to himself he still has that power and control. At some point in time, who knows when; he will cross the line and go too far. He will get lost in his need to control, he is a sick person remember, he doesn’t think like a normal person, he doesn’t reason like a normal person. The victim is the cause of all things bad in his life and to continue to play Russian Roulette with a narcissist is gambling with your life, you never know when he will lose all sense of reality or just stop pretending to care, you will be more bother than you are worth. Or you will finally end it before he is ready, or he will just deem you worthless.

I was talking to a fellow the other day and he happens to be good friends with the people who live next door to the woman who was burned alive by her abusive boyfriend. He told me that his friends had to move out of their trailer because it was so badly smoke damaged and the trailer next door is just a charred rumble. His friends have a 16 year old son who refuses to ever go back to the trailer. He can’t even go in the trailer park, the minute he does he has a panic attack. All the kid keeps seeing the trailer engulfed in flames and hearing the screams from inside. I asked if the couple were split at the time and he said it had been an “on again off again” relationship. They had been split at the time and he was staying with friends in a small community about 20 minutes away. That is where the police found him and arrested him that night.

You can bet that the woman knew he could kill her, but she told herself she was being paranoid, he never really hurt her, maybe she thought she was appeasing him by staying in contact, maybe she was afraid to end it totally and thought she could wean him out of the relationship. Or maybe she thought he could change, who knows what she was thinking but she obviously was playing Russian Roulette, had gotten complacent with the abuse, numbed to it, the relationship had become “just the way they were” maybe she was tired of the fighting and found it easier to just give in to him. I am sure if she would have thought he was going to kill her she would have taken precautions, When I feared for my life I didn’t go to the cops, I was afraid they would think I was crazy, I didn’t tell anyone because whenever I did people would shut down, change the subject, tell me I was imagining things and look at me like I was insane.

if you wait for ;proof that he can kill you it will be too late. Believe me, if he is capable of hurting you to the degree he has already, he doesn’t have a conscience that would stop him from killing you. I am not even telling you to leave, that is something you have to do with well thought out plan if possible but once you do leave, or he leaves you; please stay away.

Salvation Army’s Ad – What Colour Is The Dress

I don’t really know what all the hype was about “the dress” I totally missed the original “dress event that started all this but this is one of the results from it and I think it is great and very effective. Here is the link to the article on it in Huffington Post 

o-THE-DRESS-570

Stockholm syndrome

Traumatic Bonding is the same as Stockholm Syndrome named after hostages who spent 4:days being help hostage in Stockholm Sweden. The hostages actually defended their captors, one of them going as far as raising funds for their defense.

It is quite common and why women go back to their abuser.

This syndrome has been found in:

-abused children
-battered and abused women
-prisoners of war
-cult members
-incest victims
-concentration camp prisoners

Symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome consists of some or all the following symptoms:

– Positive feelings by the victim towards the abuser.
– Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authority figures trying to rescue them
– Support of the abusers reasons and behaviours
-Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim
– Supportive behaviours by the victim towards the abuser
– Inability to engage in activities that may assist in the victim getting away from their abuser.

Not everyone in an abusive relationship ends up with Stockholm Syndrome. Many factors are involved, it has been found that

Four conditions have to be present for a person to develop SS (stockholm syndrome):

1. A perceived threat to the victim’s physical or psychological survival
2. Perceived small acts of kindness from the abuser towards to victim.
3. Isolation from people who would have perspectives contrary to the abuser’s.
4. An inability (real or imagined) to leave the situation.

Perceived threat to the victim’s life or mental state is something I think we can all relate to. Through gas lighting, verbal attacks, fits of rage, insinuated threats; ie: the last woman was sorry she crossed me; I have contacts that could make you disappear, cleaning a gun, sharpening a knife etc. Physical abuse, such as choking, throwing the victim around, physically restraining the victim, punching, even witnessing a violent temper directed at the TV, or road rage can make the victim feel unsafe.

Perceived Kindnesses
In situations of danger and when we feel threatened we look for any sign of hope that things will improve. When the abuser performs some small act of kindness, even something that benefits him (I was so grateful when JC brought Kato along when he came to pick me up, or cooked supper, when he bought a car and said it was for me, even though it wasn’t mine at all) the victim interprets it as a positive trait of the captor.
Allowing the person to eat or drink, use the bathroom can be enough.
A birthday card or a gift after a period of abuse gives the victim hope the abuser will change and reinforces for the victim that the abuser is “not all bad”.
Often times the abuser is given positive credit for not being abusive in a situation that would normally put him into a rage. (JC used to do this often, not react to something that would make anyone angry yet go into a fit about something relatively insignificant.)
Along this vein is sympathy for the abuser because he showed a weakness or talked about childhood abuse, or admit they have a mental disorder. The victim feels bad for the abuser and wants to help him heal and believes change will occur. Psychopaths and other criminals have learned that they can shirk responsibility for their actions by blaming their childhood upbringing, alcohol, drugs, videos, whetever and gaining sympathy from the victim.
Any apology contains blaming something or someone else. Either an abusive upbringing, alcohol, or you and something you did. I have even heard that they did it because they love the other person so much it drives them crazy. (so they beat you?)
Once you become hardened to their sob stories they will change their approach.

When they use your behaviour as justification for abusing you ask yourself, “If they are so justified, then why do they hide the abuse and expect you to hide it? If they are justified then others would understand.” Oh! Why didn’t you tell me she questioned you on why you didn’t come home all night!? That explains everything!! Hey! I’ll even hold her so you can really beat her.
JC told me the first time he strangled me that any normal guy would have done it alot sooner. He always used to say I would drive any man to beat me. I have been with many men, married 3 times and never been hit by a man yet he had hit every woman he had been with. Hmmmmm
He used to say I needed help, I had warped views and I told him to go get another person, any one he chooses, a drunk off the street, his best buddy and bring him here, tell him the truth about our relationship and if he agrees with you that hitting me was your only option and I am fucked in the head I will get help. But I am not taking your word for it.

It never happened.

Or if they were so angry or drunk they couldn’t control themselves. I bet you dollars to donuts that if someone walked in the room while they are beating you, they would stop. So they DO have control they just choose not to use it. If they have enough control to stop in front of witnesses they have enough control to not start in the first place.

Isolation From Others

In an abusive relationship the victim feels they are walking on eggshells. They begin to anticipate what might anger the abuser and try to keep the abuser happy by eliminating or fixing issues before the n flies into a rage.
The victim becomes preoccupied with the desires, needs and habits of the abuser.

Taking the abusers perspective can become so all consuming that the victim may develop anger towards the people trying to help them.
Eventually the victim actually believes the abuse is their fault. In some cases they will even stay after the children are removed from the home because they are seen as the problem and at first the tension in the is lessened and they feel relief. But then a new problem will surface; there is no making the abuser happy. The victim can not dance fast enough for the abuser or jump high enough. The rules change almost daily, just when the victim thinks they have the abuser figured out and they can avoid the situations that anger the abuser the abuser will come up with a new problem.

Perceived Inability to Escape

This is where people don’t understand why the victim doesn’t “just leave”.
Many times the victim feels they can not leave due to lack of funds, mutual intimate knowledge, or legal situations.
Common situations:
The abuser increases financial debt to the point that neither partner can survive on their own.

In JC and my case; he would sabotage any efforts I made to earn money by sabotaging my vehicle. Yes without a vehicle he basically held me prisoner in the home but he also prevented me from making enough money to leave. He went so far as to make sure we were homeless and then I was totally reliant on him. He knew it was my greatest fear and the last time he said it was over but he was a nice guy and didn’t want to see me on the streets so I could stay, he wasn’t counting on me having any help and actually leaving or me being willing to be homeless just to get away.

The controller uses extreme threats to keep the victim in line. He may threaten to take the children (my father always threatened to take us kids and turn us against my mom), he may threaten to harm family members or the victim if she leaves.

They may keep the victim prisoner by making them feel guilty by threatening to kill themselves if the victim leaves.

The victim has experienced a loss if self esteem and self confidence or feels too drained emotionally to handle leaving.

Often times the victim has given up control of the finances in order to appease the abuser. The abuser has total control of the finances and has the vehicles registered in their name etc

Younger people might be looking for a parent figure and feel they need the abuser.

Law enforcement cringes every time they are called out for a domestic desturbance because often time they arrive to find the abuser calm and composed and the victim crying because they don’t want the abuser arrested.
The victim knows they will be punished by the abuser if:
They press charges
They make a statement about the incident (JC actually changed my statement and forged my signature)
They don’t bail them out quick enough
They don’t apologize for driving the abuser to hit them.

There is a very unhealthy bond between the abuser and the victim which causes the victim to defend, return to, and continue to believe the abuser has a “good side”.

 

31 things BC can do to end violence against women – Jane Doe Legal Network

http://www.janedoelegal.org/31_things?page=2

I don’t know how I’ve missed this site up until now.

Ten or so years ago I tried to leave JC, I called the police, I reached out looking for emotional and financial support and protection from a man I feared could kill me. I felt like I continually ran into brick walls, to describe it as unsympathetic would be generous on my part; I felt more like the brunt of a private joke and an inconvenience to social services and the police. I found the people I dealt with to be condescending and dismissive, often talking to me like I was lacking the brains to understand the process.

” No I do not understand why you are telling me there is a 6 week waiting period for social assistance when I just told you I just took my abusive husband’s truck to escape him and come to you for help”

“No I don’t understand why you don’t know if there are resources for abused women”

“No I don’t care that its your coffee break; did you hear me? I can’t go back and have no where to go”.

“No I will not settle down”

Yes I understand, it isn’t your problem but I don’t understand why you don’t make it your problem; you are a woman”.

“I don’t understand how I can be ambushed by my abusive ex and when the police get here they talk to him first and tell me to not start anything!”

“I don’t understand how a police officer can laugh and joke with the abuser; does he not have a sister, mother, daughter?”

“I don’t understand why when I called the Domestic Abuse Hotline listed in the phone book I was told that due to government cutbacks there is no room at any shelters and no one who can come and talk to me.”

After awhile a person just gives up, I am just so grateful I didn’t have children to protect.

I cry thinking about the injustices against women and children for decades!! No help, no options, blamed and shamed into silence.

Well no more, women all over the world are standing up and speaking out.

You may feel you are “just” one voice; but there is a rumbling coming from every corner of the world.

When thousands of people use their voice to speak out about an injustice all those voices can be deafening and the powers that be must acknowledge and address the problem.

Never stop speaking out against domestic violence.

Posted by Carrie Reimer the Lady WithaTruck