Tag Archives: Dreams

When Your Dreams Go Up In Smoke

I wanted to do an up lifting Christmas post and catch everyone up on what is going on in my life. Most of all I want to give those of you who are feeling all alone and heart broken hope and assurance things will get better. I know it doesn’t seem that way now and many of you are hearing about how the narc is treating his new partner so well, some of you have to share the children with your ex, some are being disappointed yet again because the narc always finds a way to ruin every holiday. No matter how bad it was with the narcissist you still miss him and think somehow it would have been better this year. Some of you have no idea why you are missing him, after all Christmas’s have always been a disappointment with him, he never got you a decent gift and you usually spent the day alone.

James always found a way to ruin Christmas, in the 10 years we were together we had 2 good Christmas’s, the first one and the last.  I stopped having expectations about Christmas a long time ago, but I never lost my Christmas spirit. I have always decorated, in fact; the only things besides photos that I have managed to hang onto the past 15 years, are my Nutcrackers. I started collecting Nutcrackers when my long time good friend Tina gave me one as a gift when we were both single mom’s living At Cultus Lake. Since that time I have bought myself a Nutcracker every Christmas and now have over 30. I couldn’t afford to buy one this year but my mom sent me one for Christmas.

I have Nutcrackers of every size and description, how flush I was with money that year determined the size and how elaborate my nutcracker was. Some of them are only a couple of inches tall while others are adored with sequins, and over a foot tall.

I used to have really high expectations for Christmas, the big family gathering, buying the perfect gifts for people and baking for months in advance, serving up huge spreads of food. The years have taught me that the best laid plans often fail and that it is better to go with the flow. I have learned the hard way that when it push comes to shove material possessions mean nothing and the only thing that matters to me is my son and then the rest of my family and friends and don’t ask me to choose between anyone and my dog (I know my son would never ask me to choose). When I found out my son was not going to be here for Christmas I had a 5 minute cry and then went with the flow. He had to be out of town for work and it was just the way it had to be, no point in crying about it and I told myself, “I have spent other Christmas’s alone, this won’t be the first and probably not the last, I survived before, it is just one day.” And when it comes down to it, that is all it is, just one day. We can do anything for one day. If I had to choose between having the perfect Norman Rockwell Christmas one day a year or having many loving times with my son throughout the year, I will choose quantity every time.

My Christmas happened on December 20th, my son’s birthday. I had one small gift for him and some art supplies for my grand daughter. I was extremely grateful to the mother of my grand daughter for driving the 4+ hours to get here and for staying the whole weekend. My son said it was his best birthday ever and THAT made me very happy. To now spend Christmas day without my family is a small price to pay for a whole weekend with my son and grand daughter and to be honest Christmas day is always to busy you never really get a good visit in with anyone. Kids are hyper, tempers short, and everyone is rushing somewhere. Last year my son and I packed him to move and had the day to ourselves and it was a wonderful day. This year was even better.

As part of our early Christmas celebration I had planned a very significant event. I had a paper hot air balloon I had bought while I still lived at Hatzic Lake and had been keeping it for a special occasion and this was the perfect time.

After dinner I made everyone put on their coats and boots and come outside. I told everyone to put their hopes and dreams for the new year in the balloon, not tell anyone what their wish was and we would release them into the air and see if they came true in 2016. We lit the flame and everyone made their wish, we watched with anticipation as the balloon filled with hot air, slowly it started to lift, Kris let it go and it slowly rose, up up up……. and then it got high enough for the slight breeze to catch it. We watched with held breath as it rose and drifted to the left, then someone said, “Oh oh” and I held my breath. Just as it was about to clear a 40 foot evergreen the wind caught it and it flew into the tree and got stuck. Everyone let out a “Oh Noooo” in unison and I started to laugh. Kris jumped into action and climbed the tree, once again everyone held their breath as Kris climbed up and up until he was right at the top of the tree, he reached and just as his fingers were inches from the balloon it collapsed on itself and the fire went out. The group moaned and Kaela looked up at me, (still laughing) and with tears brimming in her eyes she said, “It’s ok right Grandma? you have another one, right?” I was laughing as I said, “No Kaela. That was it.” She really looked like she was going to cry and I gave her a hug and said, “Honey, welcome to grandma’s life, all her dreams, up in flames.” and I laughed and she laughed, everyone laughed and we all turned to walk back into the house, leaving Kris 40 feet up the tree. Which made me laugh even harder.

I went back and waited for him to come down, I thanked him for his gallant efforts to save my dreams and we hugged.

It was ironically so symbolic of my life lately but it was ok. It was truly a wonderfully funny time and in a way more perfect than if the balloon had done what it was supposed to do.

I stayed up with Kris and one of his buddies that night long after everyone had gone to bed, we reminisced, we laughed, and I grabbed the bottle of whiskey out of my son’s hand and took a swig straight from the bottle. The burn in my throat was well worth seeing the look on their faces. (sometimes the shock value is so worth it) They had a food fight and I ducked for cover. His buddy said, “Your mom is cool.” and I heard Kris say he was really lucky to have me for a mom. Later on his facebook he said he had the best birthday ever, and THAT was the best Christmas present I could ever ask for.

I checked my email before I went to bed and there was a notification of a donation from one of my blog followers, the largest I have ever received. It was the icing on the cake, I was able to go back out to the kitchen and tell Kris that I was able to cover his portion of the hydro bill. I could see the relief on his face and that was the second greatest gift.

I have been invited to a friend’s house tonight for sleigh rides and a bonfire.

I have a out of town job that starts the 27th until the new year and the year is ending on a high note.

It is the best Christmas I have had in 15 years, but not because it went like I had planned, but because I let go of all my expectations and appreciated what is truly important.

James took a lot away from me, and to a large degree I allowed it because I refused to give up my dream of living happily ever after with him. Even when that dream went up in flames I kept trying to make it fly, and I almost forgot what was truly important. I am thankful today that even though it took me 10 years I eventually woke up and faced reality.

No matter what the narcissist takes from you, the truly valuable things are right there in front of you. Let the dreams go and embrace reality.

Merry Christmas to you all and thank you for all your love and support the past 5 years.

Love and hugs

Carrie

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A Little Bit Of Inspiration – Your God Given Right

Never give up, no matter what anyone says, no matter what lies you have been told by others or lies you have told yourself. You are awesome

Happy New Beginnings Time!

I love spring! All winter I can’t wait for spring, I especially love spring at the lake. The snow is melting in the mountains so the lake is back and with the water come the Carp and the fishermen, the robins , the daffodils and tulips and my optimism is reborn.

Every where around me is new growth, buds forming on trees, plants poking through the soil reaching for the sun. My soul stretching and reaching for the sun.

Spring time means I can get out there and get my hands dirty. I can immerse myself in my gardens, moving plants around, thinning out some, relocating some to a sunnier spot, others to shade, cultivate the soil, and clearing out weeds.

Soon the momma ducks will be parading their broods of little ducklings around for everyone to admire.

The days are longer and warmer and the people friendlier. And my heart is always lighter.

Leaving the narcissist is much like going from winter to spring. The long hours of darkness, cold, bleak stormy days. You are feeling like it will never end, you will never feel the warmth of the sun on your skin again; and then it happens……one day you will realize the sun is warmer and brighter.

Spring comes slowly, no one flips a switch, it happens so slowly we hardly notice it until we realize its 8 pm and its still light out. You wear a coat outside and have to take it off because you are too warm. You notice the birds singing, lots of them, loudly. Then the plants start to grow and you know spring is here. You survived the winter!

Everything is fresh, the trees are the most beautiful soft green, the cherry trees are laden with tiny pink flowers. And after a spring rain the air smells so fresh you take in a huge breath and savor the sweetness.

Those going through the first stages of withdrawl from the narcissist may feel like they will never be happy again; that the sun will never shine in their life again. But as sure as spring follows winter so does healing follow the pain. It may happen like this last winter where the storms went on for seemingly forever. You might be feeling your inner storm will never cease.

The narcissist kept you cloaked in a heavy black cloud of uncertainty, anger, suspicion, jealousy, lies, criticism and all forms of negativity.

If you are patient and wait it out the spring time of your healing will come, and when it does, everything will be bright and new, colours will be more intense, the air fresher and you will find yourself taking deep breaths and shaking off the tension in your neck and shoulders.

One day you will realize you feel lighter, freer, reborn, with an intense appreciation for all the sweetness in the world around you. There are no black clouds over your head only sunshine.

You forgot what sunshine looked like or felt like and when you feel it again you will wonder how you lived without it for so long.

All living things have an amazing ability to adapt to their surroundings and survive things they should never have to endure. Trees will grow out of a rocky mountain side where there is no soil, a flower will sprout through a crack in the sidewalk, dogs will be beaten, abused and starved to near death and still live, a fish will only get as big as the aquarium he lives in will allow. So it is with people. Over time you have adapted. If the narcissist would have treated you in the beginning the way he treated you in the end, you never would have stayed. But they aren’t stupid, they know they have to increase the abuse slowly over time so you don’t see it coming and run.

At first you compromise because that is what you do when you love someone. But there was never any compromise on his part, he just kept changing the rules, putting up smoke screens and magic mirrors; until the day you realize you are some place you don’t want to be. You are always sad, depressed, angry, confused, and you feel as if the man you love hates you breathing his air.

Its been so long since anything was normal; the fighting, talking in circles, gas lighting, control, and unreasonable demands are your new normal. You don’t even remember how to relate to normal people. You feel self conscious and that maybe you can’t be normal any more. You don’t have anything in common with “normal” people. You start thinking that maybe the only person who can relate to you is the N. Even though the N is abusive you still have hope to cling to and you don’t have to try to fit in with a society that doesn’t have a clue about what you’ve been through. Besides you’ve learned to block much of the pain, you don’t even get angry any more.

But do you really want to live like that forever? No of course you don’t…… You just wish…..If only………if only he would change back into the man you met. If only he would have stopped cheating, if only he…….

The time for “if only’s” is past.

It is time for your rebirth its time to renew your soul, to raise your face to the sun and heal.

Just like you slowly adapted to the abuse you will have to heal slowly. You have never felt pain like this before because no one ever treated you this bad before. You have been raped, physically, mentally and emotionally. You have been abused at the deepest level possible, you have been sleeping with a man you don’t even know.

You need time to come to terms with that, absorb it and process it, just like weeding the garden so new plants can grow you need to weed out the negative crap the N put in your head so there is room for the new positive you.

There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie

Image On December 13th 2013 I was honored to be nominated for the Narcissist Slayer Award by Kim Saeed, thank you Kim! a link to her web site is here http://letmereach.com/ I never intended to be a Narcissist Slayer, I have never been into slaying anything, I have always been a “live and let live, lover not a fighter” type person. Even when I started my blog I did it more as a desperate attempt to continue living not to slay anyone. You see I had just failed a suicide attempt and had no support system, no one to be accountable to, I couldn’t tell my son what had gone on, I knew he would try to kill JC and the last thing I wanted was for him to suffer because of my mistake. So I decided  if I was going to survive I needed to be accountable to someone. I couldn’t declare on the internet in front of the world that I was going to survive an abusive relationship and then kill myself, what message would that send? So I started crying out to the universe and eventually got a visitor and slowly more people joined my journey. They listened and encouraged and I got stronger. For 2 years every morning I thought to myself, “I can not do this one more day” and every day I made it through some days the only thing that kept me going was someone’s comment on my post.  Some where along the way people started saying I was an inspiration, inspiration brought about by desperation. Now to be honored with a title like Narcissist Slayer is quite unbelievable. I proudly accept it though. I have copied and pasted Kim’s post which you can read right here:

Narcissists need no introduction.  Once they’ve touched your life, you are changed forever.  They literally strip you down to your deepest insecurities and slam-dunk you into misery and self-loathing; all while they skip down a yellow brick road into the forest with Bambi. In Ursula’s words: “A relationship with a Narcissist always feels like a quest. You’re recruited as a hero to save them from dragons of one sort or another. They have so many dramas and stories of dramas. They are male and female damsels in permanent distress. It feels good at first to be seen as a hero on a quest to save such a damsel, it makes love mythical in proportions, you’re a dragon slayer, but at some point you’re going to become the dragon from whom they need saving. They are always the victim in distress and never see themselves as the victimizer. Once you were a hero to them and now they’ve turned you with a wave of their wand of endless illusion into the villain. You are a dragon villain who now realizes that the real dragon villain is the damsel (male or female) who has never been in distress at all, but causes an awful lot of it for others, especially those who try and save them. You can never save them.” There are many warriors here on WordPress who dedicate their time to creating awareness of these devious soul-killers.  It is my pleasure to nominate the following bloggers for their dedication and time spent on the battlefield:

An Upturned Soul

Phoenix Rising

Psychopath Resistance

Running Away From a Narcissist

Human Rights vs. Stalkers The Mirror     – I can create a male version of the award :)

Narc Raiders

Ladywithatruck’s Blog

Elisse Stuart

Paula’s Pontifications

Avalanche of the Soul

“Whatever you are physically…male or female, strong or weak, ill or healthy–all those things matter less than what your heart contains. If you have the soul of a warrior, you are a warrior. All those other things, they are the glass that contains the lamp, but you are the light inside.” ~ Cassandra Clare

The rules for this award are:

1. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to them. done

2. Put the award’s logo on your blog.  done

3. Write a blog post and share the blog(s) you have chosen- there are no minimum or maximum number of blogs required. done

4.  Inform your nominees on their site.

5.  Share one positive thing that you took away from your relationship with a Narcissist. doing

I copied Kim’s list of nominees because if she wouldn’t have nominated them I would have and each one of the above sites is worth a visit.  I have added three nominees that each tell their poignant story of how abuse affected/affects their lives and the lives of loved ones in the effort to raise awareness and break the silence surrounding abuse.  

All 3 have lost a family member to abuse and are strong women who tell the truth with passion and eloquence.

Shirley, who’s son died under mysterious circumstances yet the “powers that be” declared his death to be of natural causes; won’t be silenced until she gets “Justice for Raymond”. http://justiceforraymond.wordpress.com/

Her strength and determination inspire me, she is a wonderful woman and mother.

Noeleen, another wonderful mother, whose own mother committed suicide on her 5th or 6th birthday (sorry Noeleen, I should remember) leaving her and her siblings to be raised by her alcoholic abusive father. Noeleen writes from the heart and with such honest emotion I rarely read one of her posts without shedding a tear, fitting since her blog name is Words Fall From My Eyes and can be found here http://wordsfallfrommyeyes.wordpress.com/  She chronicles raising her son as a single mom struggling with the after effects of being raised without a mother and at the hands of a cruel alcoholic father.

Then last but certainly not least is my dear friend Kim,  who offers support and resources for victims of domestic violence at her site My Inner Chick which can be found here http://myinnerchick.com/ I don’t recall how I found her site in the first place, but once I did I spent hours reading her posts and sobbing uncontrollably as I read post after post where she shared her feelings (God, the word feelings just doesn’t do justice to what this woman shares) as she struggles to deal with the death of her sister who, only days before her divorce was to be final; was murdered in cold blood by her husband who then killed himself.

All three women inspire me and motivate me to tell my story, to not be silent any more.

Share something positive from the relationship with a narcissist.

You might be surprised to hear there were many positive things that came out of that 10 years, and although I could have done without the experience thank you very much, I have no regrets and if given the choice would do it again. I know you are thinking I must be crazy to willingly do it again. Of course knowing what I know today the relationship never would have lasted a month. But I will tell you why I feel this way.

As I said at the start, I was suicidal after JC discarded me, the abuse had gotten so bad in the last year of the relationship I truly was near crazy, I don’t think I could have been any more broken than I was. I get nauseous to think about how absolutely desolate, hopeless, and ……….broken (there is no other word for it) I was. He had stripped me of my faith in; God, a fair world, my family, myself, I had no self-esteem, no money, my work truck sabotaged by him, no possessions, he had either broken them or destroyed them, my teeth were rotten, I was a shell of the beautiful vibrant woman I had been when I met him, and he blamed/blames me for my own pain. To quote him  “After all it is your own fault I hurt you, you kept taking me back. Every time I got away with something I thought, what else can I get away with.”

I quite literally felt like a puzzle that had been dropped on the floor and the pieces had scattered everywhere and I had to slowly pick up a piece and see where it fit or if it fit. I had pieces from my childhood, my life before JC, from other relationships, my life as a parent, the things JC told me about myself, things I knew to be true about me and lies I had told myself and future dreams that were shattered. It has taken two years but I think the puzzle is about complete, yet just this week I had another revelation about myself.

I was forced to look at myself, blood guts and gore and decide what I wanted to keep, what was mine to own and what never was mine to carry and put myself back together and what I came up with is …….. a person I like, and admire and am proud to be. I have never been more in tune with myself or others, never more empathetic, never more protective of myself (without being cynical). I no longer ask for respect, I demand it without apology, I discovered I am an artist, I rediscovered my joy of writing and talent for expressing myself through writing, I make no apologies for being me or taking up space on this earth. I know in my heart and with my whole being that I am a good person and never deserved to be treated badly by anyone, ever and never will allow it again. I am ever so grateful for so many blessing that I took for granted before. Plus I always had a nagging need to find my purpose for being here, I wanted to leave the world a better place for me being here. I know not everyone is plagued by needing to have a “purpose” but It really bothered me at different times in my life, I now feel I am making that different, that in some small way I have changed to world for the better. If one woman’s life was saved or even if her sanity, that changes the lives of her children and their children, butterfly effect. So that is the positive that came out of the horror show. I don’t think I would have ever reached this level of personal growth had I not had to put myself back together. If I would have had a man in my life it never would have happened because I would have relied on him to define me. The end. 🙂

take timeI went looking through old posts last night in hopes of finding something that might help some of the people going through the process of letting go of the N, and staying no contact. I reposted one titled Thank You, from Feb 2012; it was written after JC had popped back into my life after several months of no contact, professed his love and begged forgiveness only for me to go into his Facebook and discover he had gotten engaged 8 days earlier. I was devastated and as you can tell confused, angry, hurt and spinning my wheels.

I read it last night and cried remembering how broken I felt, so utterly helpless, alone and without hope. I cried for the woman who was writing that post, I felt so sorry for her, but I don’t know her, not any more. It is a strange feeling, I can relate so well to her, but I don’t recognize her, I want to comfort her and tell her things will get better. At that time I had no one, truly no one except a handful of people who followed my blog and for whatever reason choose to take me under their wing and urge me to carry on, they gave solid advice lovingly and every day they were there again.  My mother wasn’t around, I had no friends, ( I didn’t feel I had friends I could talk to who would understand,) I guess it was easier to bare my soul to strangers, I could be honest with my feelings with JC’s sister because she had seen what I had gone through near the end but I didn’t feel anyone else would understand and I was ashamed of myself, I didn’t know who this broken person was and didn’t know how to relate to the outside world, I felt disconnected from the rest of the world because my life was so not the life of anyone I had ever known.

Reading that post has made me even more determined to continue with this blog and be there for others going through a similar hell.  I think I tend to over empathize with people who come in here because I assume everyone is feeling as devastated as I was and that is not the case, some are worse off than I was and many are able to move on quite quickly. We all deal with things differently and don’t take this the wrong way please, but I am here to give encouragement and support to the people who are really struggling and are feeling truly lost and broken. I want to be the shoulder to cry on and the voice of reason and empathy.

Some times, especially in the Support Forum I notice some “man bashing” and the women are moving on, dating etc and that is all good and well and I am happy to see anyone move on and find happiness. I do believe dating too soon can be a big mistake because I feel to fully heal you have to take time, do some soul-searching and work on your self-esteem and boundaries.

There are many sites on the net for man bashing and I don’t want this site to join the ranks, I want to keep it as a safe haven for people who are really hurting and seeking encouragement. I don’t know if I am going to offend people by saying this but I have had it mentioned that some people coming in here feel uncomfortable and that they can’t speak openly on the Forum because they are not to the point of dating. I have had men complain that the women are “man bashing” and they feel uncomfortable. The last thing I want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable or unwelcome.

I LOVE men, I DO NOT believe all men are a certain way and I hope that I don’t spend the rest of my life single and celibate 🙂 but I don’t need a man to feel complete or to be happy. Right now I don’t feel I want the added responsibility of a relationship, I don’t feel like sharing, as much as I get lonely sometimes and wish I had a body to snuggle at night; I don’t want just any body. I don’t want to have to answer to anyone or have to consider anyone else’s feelings right now, I don’t want to compromise on anything right now, I don’t want to have to cook dinner or do someone’s laundry or clean a toilet that wasn’t dirtied by me only. I am feeling selfish right now so I know now is not the time to be dating because the few times I wish I had a man in my life are far outweighed by the times I am so damn glad I don’t have a man in my life.

Maybe it is my age, I know when I was in my 20’s and 30’s (I was with JC through my 40’s) having a man in my life was very important. I don’t know if it was being with JC that changed that for me or just getting older, wiser and more confident. Would it have happened if I had not been with JC? who knows. I only know now that as much as I wasted years trying to please JC, someone incapable of love or happiness; I have wasted a good part of my adult life worrying about getting a man, having a man in my life, being pretty enough, intelligent enough, successful enough, sexy enough, skinny enough, and never felt I was enough. I haven’t always dated N’s, in fact I think I had a few pursue me and I dumped them immediately. I have never wanted a love-sick puppy and that is how narcissists come across at first, if a guy came on too strong I pushed him away. I actually chose to love JC, I chose to let a man sweep me off my feet and told myself to not be so independent. I have casually dated since JC, the first man I dated was an N I think, I got the feeling right away but I also was not as healed as I am not and find that I am more in control of my emotions as time goes on. If I recognize someone as being an N I just stay clear, whereas a year ago it was harder to trust my instincts; just another reason I don’t advocate dating too soon.

Personally I feel that for a person coming out of a long-term narcissistic relationship it is pure luck if they don’t get involved with another narcissist. I don’t want to always be saying that to people and bursting their bubbles and excitement about dating but I can’t advocate dating too soon and I don’t want people coming into the site to feel they should be ready to date after a month (or even weeks).

I really urge people who are struggling with an issue, whether it is guilt, no contact, gas lighting, whatever issue is foremost for you, to use the search feature and look it up. There are many articles covering every issue there is about narcissists and the effect they have on people and how to best handle it. I simply can’t keep covering the same topics over and over, I don’t have the time or the desire and the information is already there. I am there with a sympathetic ear and shoulder to cry on but please take some initiative for your own healing and research it yourself, read my posts and the comments, there are some amazing stories buried in the archives of this blog plus other blogs covering the subject of domestic abuse. (I give links to various sites I have found helpful) I encourage everyone to become proactive about their recovery and to respect that we all heal at a our own pace, all of us are in a state of heightened emotions and may be sensitive and be kind with each other.

The one thing that I know is an absolute necessity is NO CONTACT, if you read my older posts you will see I struggled as much as anyone here with no contact but I learned the hard way that it is the only way to start healing and as long as you have any contact at all you are not healing. So when people come in and say they don’t know why they aren’t healing a year after breaking up with the N I automatically know they are still in contact. Your healing begins when you sever all ties to the narcissist, to think you can stay friends, have casual sex or “teach him a lesson” you are only kidding yourself.

You may fall off the wagon and break no contact and that is normal, eventually you will accept that every time you have contact you are set back and get sick of beating your head against a brick wall. I will keep chanting No Contact until it sinks in (with love and empathy of course).

I haven’t been around as much because I am working full-time now and commuting an hour each way so my blogging time has been seriously cut, I also want to start working on a book and do painting for the Christmas craft fair. I am around, read the comments daily and try to reply to comments directed to me personally but I may not comment as much as I used to.

I think what is happening in my life is; I have healed and life is providing opportunities to move on and I feel ready, strong enough, intelligent enough, sexy enough, pretty enough, and confident enough to move forward. Almost 3 years post JC, I have gone from a broken woman who tried to kill herself because she had nothing to live for to the me I want to be with dreams, hopes and looking forward to seeing what lies ahead.

Love and hugs to you all.

Sometimes 55 is Just Too Old

Life has its twists and turns that’s for sure, MY life anyway has always been a series of detours. It seems I never have long before there is a “change in direction” . Yesterday was one of those days, a “detour” day, I am still digesting everything.

I have mentioned before that I have been asking for a meeting with management, I have been making a list of areas that I thought they could improve productivity, I had some questions and most importantly I wanted a job description.

It was my belief I was hired as PR, someone who was out in the public representing the company and getting the company name out there, work with charities, and do pick ups when necessary. I was told that they didn’t care who brought the scrap through the gate as long as it came through their gate, so I gave people the option; I can haul it in for you or you can haul your own and get more money.

I was told I could take the truck home and I was told I could have the dogs with me and I was told to just carry on doing what I had always done, only I was not the Lady Witha Truck any more.

As it turns out since I started there has been a huge rearranging of duties and downsizing. They have closed three of their locations and combined two locations into one. The person that hired me is not the person now in charge. I was told the dogs could no longer ride with me so C built me a dog kennel at the house which has worked out really well but I have been plagued with guilt and indecision about Laila.  Laila is a “special needs” dog, she is extremely attached to me, very hyper and needs a lot of exercise and she is aggressive to other dogs. My new place has 3 pugs next door that torment my dogs every time they go outside. In fact any time I am out in the yard they bark incessantly at me and even chased me and my dogs back into my house one day because they were loose and of course my dogs would win the battle but I didn’t want their blood on my hands. Kato by himself isn’t as aggressive but even he hates those dogs next door. Anyway I was considering getting rid of Laila because I felt it was unfair that I was gone all day and she wasn’t getting any exercise, but then I was afraid she wouldn’t get a new home that would appreciate her good traits and she might end up being a guard dog at some yard, left alone all the time and just getting more aggressive or beaten for her strong will. I contemplated putting her down because it would be kinder than her living a horrible life somewhere else but the thought of that was more than I could bare. I was feeling I had totally dropped the ball and let her down. I hate not living up to my commitments and responsibilities. It was tearing me apart. And poor Kato, he’s ridden with me his whole life and would lay across the door way in the mornings in hopes I wouldn’t leave him behind. I know they are “just dogs” and I complied with the new rules, my job was more important and I understood that other people didn’t think it was fair I brought mine to work and they couldn’t bring theirs.

So long story short, I got laid off yesterday. They want to put a young guy on the truck, someone who can really chuck steel. They were really good about it and are going to buy me my own truck and any small jobs they get they will pass along to me. They won’t be doing small jobs any more.

They just bought me $500 in Carhardts and spent another $200 on safety boots which I get to keep and I can pay back the truck over time when I bring steel in. It is very fair of them and they paid me a weeks severance plus my full wages for this pay period. I can’t say anything wrong except there was a huge lack of communication but I suppose that is as much my fault for not pushing harder for a meeting.

At the time I was hired I was not making it with the little truck I had and I was living in a hell hole. Working for them got me into this place which probably wouldn’t have happened if |I had been self employed and I will have a better truck for the job. I guess I am meant to be the Lady Witha Truck and this is all a blessing in disguise. but it is hard on the ego to admit I am too old to compete with the young bucks.

Right now it is hard because I am getting calls from customers and I don’t have a truck and all \I want to do is get out there and work. That old panicky feeling wells up inside me.

I am trying to force myself to see the bright side and use the time to do the much needed yard work but so far the most I have done is give Laila a bath. btw she didn’t like her first bath much. lol

I think what bothers me more than anything is letting people down.

Out the Darkness He Still Creeps

Its been a long time and I hesitate to even mention it for fear he still lurks here and will see that he got to me vicariously again but it is part of the process I suppose and something perhaps others want to know. How long will he haunt me?

Well its been 2 years, 3 1/2 months and in he walked into my dreams like nothing had ever happened, smiling that sheepish grin he used to get when he knew he was being a “bad boy” the grin that I used to tell myself was his way of showing me he couldn’t control his desire for me, love for me, or whatever it was that made me keep going back. It was a grin that melted my hardest resolve and took away my voice and he knew exactly what he was doing.

Last night he was there just like so many times in the past, professing his love, me telling him to just go away and him telling me to “just let things happen as they should”, didn’t I know he would be back? Didn’t he tell me I would do better without him? So am I supposed to be grateful he left me? I suppose. Grateful for the years of heartache, lies and eventual vicious discard. Sorry, no, I don’t thank him for that and never will. I told him last night that he had no right to come now professing a love that never existed just when I am getting by on my own and am happy.

Then he kissed me and when I put my hands up to push against his chest he took my hand and slid a ring on my finger. He refused to let me speak and just said, ‘Don’t say anything, just wear it, no one has to know where you got it; only we will know. Just wear it for me.”

Then he disappeared, faded into black and I woke up and checked my finger, no ring. relief.

But all day I half expected to see him, I thought I saw him driving a semi through town, he was on my mind more than usual and yes I checked his facebook and he has unhidden his profile. He had it hidden for a long time and I haven’t checked in so long I don’t know when he unblocked me. I hate that I checked and I hate that now I wonder why he unblocked me, was he checking on me? probably.

I had his sister come out for the weekend a couple of weeks ago. They have barely talked since he made her miss her daughters wedding, in fact his whole family has seen or heard very little from him since he got with M. But Denise was on the skytrain on her way to meet me when he called her. He was in Vancouver on his way up the coast and he had missed his ferry and did she want to go for coffee. She said, “You aren’t going to believe this but am on my way to sped the weekend with Carrie. She said he barely missed a beat but there was a definite silence before he said, “Oh well, good for you, have a good time.”

Sometimes I think there must be a higher power controlling little things like that, those coincidences. I didn’t ask if he was still with M and neither did Denise. We had a great weekend and I really haven’t thought much about it until last night.

Where the hell did he come from? and why? I know it is my own head so why now would I dream a dream like that? I didn’t wake up in a sweat like I used to or crying. I got up and went on with my very busy day and then I got home and had the stereo on and that song “I Set Fire to the Rain” came on and all of a sudden I was crying, sobbing. Kato stopped licking his balls and looked at me like he was saying, “What’s up? you haven’t cried like this is ages”. I laughed and said, “Its ok buddy, I’m fine, ……….. really.” So he went back to licking his balls.

Why was I crying? I’ll tell you why. Because the son of a bitch, ass hole, bottom feeder hurt me, manipulated me with my love for him, the bastard screwed around on me, lied, conned, blamed, physically abused me all in the name of “love” and it hurts damnit!! I am not healed, I wouldn’t wear his ring if he had appeared at my door but I think more than him coming to me it was my mind warning me.

You see, I have another post started about why I stopped seeing C and will leave those details for another post but I was trying to maintain a friendship due to working together and I nipped it in the bud early enough there really should be no hard feelings. Its not that I know he is an N, I don’t know that, I wasn’t dating him long enough to know that, I just know I was uncomfortable about a few things.

Its strange because Kato had been wanting to spend the night with him all the time and then the day I really felt I needed to remove myself from the situation Kato followed me every where like my shadow and made certain I didn’t leave him behind.

Then last night I had stopped at the shop after work to let the dogs run free around the yard. C’s dog was in his dad’s truck and Laila was trying to get in the truck at her. I was giving Laila shit mainly because she was getting muddy paw prints all over the truck. Then C’s dad came out to move his truck and said something to the effect, “I’ll run the brain dead bitch over.” I went to reach for Laila and she growled at me, I slapped her snout and told her not to growl at me and she ducked under the truck. I reached for her and she darted out the other side, by now she was in a real frenzy and C was trying to grab her and I backed off because we were getting no where, she was just getting more worked up.

Then I see C has a 2×4 in his hands and he is swinging at her trying to hit her, then he is poking it in her face and she is really losing it now and I am yelled at him to put the frickin 2×4 down. I ran to the truck and opened the door and called laila and she ran and jumped in. C said she was out of control and it was necessary and I said a 2×4 was NOT necessary and I left.

Tonight he sent a text saying “Can’t fight with you over it I apologize to you cause you feel what I did was wrong. I knew she needed to know she was losing it like she does but needed to be snapped out of it”

My reply was, “All I could see was you losing control and hitting her with a 2×4. At that point I just wanted her out of danger. I have never said anything about you disciplining her before because I felt it was appropriately done, for the crime at the time. I felt you lost control and that scares me.”

his reply, “I did not lose control. I knew the situation needed to snap her out of her rage the she gets going.”

Me –  “So you aren’t sorry. That means it would happen again. |You have every right to feel you were right to do what you did but to me it is no small issue. I would rather hold her while she is put to sleep than to have her beaten with a 2×4. The only thing she learns from that is more aggression and fear. I suppose some people call that respect; but fear has nothing to do with respect. The next time she sees someone with a 2×4 will she attack them? She was growling horribly last night when you approached the truck. That bothers me. I am reading up on what to do with aggressive dogs and no where yet has anyone suggested beating them.

He has sent 3 more text messages defending his actions and I have not responded because I won’t defend my right to decide how my dog is treated. His response was so N-like, not sorry just sorry I was being un reasonable. Well guess what? I don’t care what he thinks.

And I think JC paid me a visit last night to remind me how it felt to be beaten down and put in my place. When I saw Laila snapping and lunging at the 2×4 I was reminded of how I felt when I was cornered, scared, and trying to fight back but knowing I was going to lose. if A person can do it to a dog because they “needed to be controlled or snap out of it” then they will do it to a person.

Thanks JC for stopping by last night, just don’t make a habit of it ok? next time I just might bite back.

Hugs everyone

life is good

Carrie