If you were told you could keel over dead at any minute would you waste your time worrying about what the narcissist is doing? Would you want to spend your last breaths dealing with the chaos and drama of the narcissist? I can’t imagine being with a narcissist and knowing I might die any minute and have him throwing some stupid temper tantrum because you aren’t worried about how it is affecting HIM! Can’t you just see it?
You come home from the doctor’s, after being told you should be in the hospital and could die any minute, tell the narcissist and ask for a hug. He looks up from texting someone on his phone with a look of total boredom, and rolls his eyes, as if to say, “Here we go again!” You try to hold back the tears because you know how he hates it when you cry and you don’t want to start a fight. Maybe you should have waited to say something, maybe you could have said it differently, you don’t want to sound like you are looking for sympathy or feel sorry for yourself; you just really need to know he loves you and to feel his arms around you.
But, like every other time you have needed him to be there for you; he isn’t. In fact, he starts a fight, tells you how selfish you are to walk in and lay that on him; don’t you ever think about other people’s feelings? He storms out of the house and you are left standing there, alone, again.
He has left his laptop sitting there open on his email so you decided to snoop and sure enough, you are not surprised to see he has a personal ad on POF again and has been talking to women. That’s probably where he is now.
Is that the way you want to live your life? dying slowly from heart ache before you finally leave this earth. Does he deserve any more of your precious time?
No matter how long you have been with him, he does not deserve another minute of your precious life.
Time flies by, not just when you are having fun, it flies by when you live in hell too. When you are always stressed over someone like the narcissist who thrives on trauma and drama time flies by and before you know it another year has slipped by. Then one day you realize you have been living like the movie Groundhog Day, repeating history over and over again, never resolving anything, walking on egg shells and 10 or 20 years have slipped by. You haven’t been living, sure you breath, you eat, you function; but have you been living? Your every waking moment has been consumed with thinking about the narcissist in some form or another. Either you are feeling guilty, snooping, begging, fighting, leaving him or going back to him, forgiving him, planning how you are going to talk to him in order to avoid a fight, cajoling him, placating him, making excuses for him, or trying to put the puzzle pieces together. When was the last time you just relaxed? laughed easily without watching for his reaction. When was the last time you asked for help doing something without carefully plotting out how you would approach the conversation and choosing your words, checking your body language and tone of voice?
This is not happy, this is not love, this is dysfunctional and it is killing you slowly.
I was moving boxes into my suite the other day and a section of one of my journals fell out on the floor, it was from 2009, only a few months after my ex had begged back into my life and told me I was the only woman he would ever love and all the woman he would ever need, when he promised me total honesty and I was writing about finding a personal ad, him refusing to admit any wrong doing, twisting the facts, blaming me……..I could look in any one of my journals spanning 10 years and I would have written the same things. What we fought about in year one was the same as what we fought about in year 10 only the abuse had gotten worse over the years and he didn’t hide his infidelity as well or come up with even believable lies. I had stopped hoping, praying for fidelity or honesty and had started praying he would at least come up with a good enough lie I could keep lying to myself.
I maintain that I would not change the past even if I could because of the inner growth and peace I have found in the process of healing myself but I am glad that I am not having to deal with him at this time of my life.
I had an appointment with my cardiologist today to hear the results of the tests I did last month. He said, “It’s not good.” and wanted to admit me to the hospital again. I hate hospitals and I see no point in going to the hospital unless I have had a heart attack again or they have plans to do surgery. I agreed to go to another specialist who will be the one who would put a pacemaker in or whatever other mechanism they decide I need. The doctor asked me if I knew my heart is working at less than 20%, I said I had a pretty good idea because all the technicians who tested me seemed surprised I was functioning at all, like walking, breathing, let alone able to go up stairs. The doctor nodded his head in agreement and said I shouldn’t be functioning near as well as I am and I could keel over dead at any minute. THAT was reassuring! I said but you haven’t seen what I can do, I can walk miles, I can landscape, I have had to move every few months the last couple of years and do it all by myself. He just shook his head and said again, “And you could drop dead at any time.”
I don’t know what to say about being told I could die any minute, any of us could die tomorrow crossing the street, we can’t live in bubble out of fear. I certainly don’t want to die, I have so much I want to do yet, I haven’t been able to get to know my grand daughter as I would have wanted simply because I haven’t had the money to get to her. I want to be around for my boy, I don’t want anyone to be sad, I don’t want Stella to wonder where I am and I sure the hell don’t want my ex pretending to cry.
What do I hope you all take away from this?
That life is short, far too short to waste it on the likes of a narcissist, you don’t know when your day will come. You think you can’t live without the N, you may think your heart is breaking and you will never find happiness again, you may think that you have all the time in the world to make it up to your kids that you spend all day in bed obsessing about the N. It took me 2 full years to even start to feel like I was healing and there was life after a Narcissist; but that is largely due to the fact that I didn’t go no contact for almost a year after we split.
I tell myself that anyone can go at any minute but being told, to your face that you should be dead and could be dead tomorrow really makes you think about how you want your last days on earth to be, what memory do you want your loved ones to have of you? you last words to be, your last actions to be?
I know you can’t rush healing, it takes time; but you do have a lot of control over how you heal and I am going to go over those steps again in my upcoming posts.