Tag Archives: Dying

If You Were Told You Could Keel Over Dead Any Minute

If you were told you could keel over dead at any minute would you waste your time worrying about what the narcissist is doing? Would you want to spend your last breaths dealing with the chaos and drama of the narcissist? I can’t imagine being with a narcissist and knowing I might die any minute and have him throwing some stupid temper tantrum because you aren’t worried about how it is affecting HIM! Can’t you just see it?

You come home from the doctor’s, after being told you should be in the hospital and could die any minute, tell the narcissist and ask for a hug. He looks up from texting someone on his phone with a look of total boredom, and rolls his eyes, as if to say, “Here we go again!” You try to hold back the tears because you know how he hates it when you cry and you don’t want to start a fight. Maybe you should have waited to say something, maybe you could have said it differently, you don’t want to sound like you are looking for sympathy or feel sorry for yourself; you just really need to know he loves you and to feel his arms around you.

But, like every other time you have needed him to be there for you; he isn’t. In fact, he starts a fight, tells you how selfish you are to walk in and lay that on him; don’t you ever think about other people’s feelings? He storms out of the house and you are left standing there, alone, again.

He has left his laptop sitting there open on his email so you decided to snoop and sure enough, you are not surprised to see he has a personal ad on POF again and has been talking to women. That’s probably where he is now.

Is that the way you want to live your life? dying slowly from heart ache before you finally leave this earth. Does he deserve any more of your precious time?

No matter how long you have been with him, he does not deserve another minute of your precious life.

Time flies by, not just when you are having fun, it flies by when you live in hell too. When you are always stressed over someone like the narcissist who thrives on trauma and drama time flies by and before you know it another year has slipped by. Then one day you realize you have been living like the movie Groundhog Day, repeating history over and over again, never resolving anything, walking on egg shells and 10 or 20 years have slipped by. You haven’t been living, sure you breath, you eat, you function; but have you been living? Your every waking moment has been consumed with thinking about the narcissist in some form or another. Either you are feeling guilty, snooping, begging, fighting, leaving him or going back to him, forgiving him, planning how you are going to talk to him in order to avoid a fight, cajoling him, placating him, making excuses for him, or trying to put the puzzle pieces together. When was the last time you just relaxed? laughed easily without watching for his reaction. When was the last time you asked for help doing something without carefully plotting out how you would approach the conversation and choosing your words, checking your body language and tone of voice?

This is not happy, this is not love, this is dysfunctional and it is killing you slowly.

I was moving boxes into my suite the other day and a section of one of my journals fell out on the floor, it was from 2009, only a few months after my ex had begged back into my life and told me I was the only woman he would ever love and all the woman he would ever need, when he promised me total honesty and I was writing about finding a personal ad, him refusing to admit any wrong doing, twisting the facts, blaming me……..I could look in any one of my journals spanning 10 years and I would have written the same things. What we fought about in year one was the same as what we fought about in year 10 only the abuse had gotten worse over the years and he didn’t hide his infidelity as well or come up with even believable lies. I had stopped hoping, praying for fidelity or honesty and had started praying he would at least come up with a good enough lie I could keep lying to myself.

I maintain that I would not change the past even if I could because of the inner growth and peace I have found in the process of healing myself but I am glad that I am not having to deal with him at this time of my life.

I had an appointment with my cardiologist today to hear the results of the tests I did last month. He said, “It’s not good.” and wanted to admit me to the hospital again. I hate hospitals and I see no point in going to the hospital unless I have had a heart attack again or they have plans to do surgery. I agreed to go to another specialist who will be the one who would put a pacemaker in or whatever other mechanism they decide I need. The doctor asked me if I knew my heart is working at less than 20%, I said I had a pretty good idea because all the technicians who tested me seemed surprised I was functioning at all, like walking, breathing, let alone able to go up stairs. The doctor nodded his head in agreement and said I shouldn’t be functioning near as well as I am and I could keel over dead at any minute. THAT was reassuring! I said but you haven’t seen what I can do, I can walk miles, I can landscape, I have had to move every few months the last couple of years and do it all by myself. He just shook his head and said again, “And you could drop dead at any time.”

I don’t know what to say about being told I could die any minute, any of us could die tomorrow crossing the street, we can’t live in bubble out of fear. I certainly don’t want to die, I have so much I want to do yet, I haven’t been able to get to know my grand daughter as I would have wanted simply because I haven’t had the money to get to her. I want to be around for my boy, I don’t want anyone to be sad, I don’t want Stella to wonder where I am and I sure the hell don’t want my ex pretending to cry.

What do I hope you all take away from this?

That life is short, far too short to waste it on the likes of a narcissist, you don’t know when your day will come. You think you can’t live without the N, you may think your heart is breaking and you will never find happiness again, you may think that you have all the time in the world to make it up to your kids that you spend all day in bed obsessing about the N. It took me 2 full years to even start to feel like I was healing and there was life after a Narcissist; but that is largely due to the fact that I didn’t go no contact for almost a year after we split.
I tell myself that anyone can go at any minute but being told, to your face that you should be dead and could be dead tomorrow really makes you think about how you want your last days on earth to be, what memory do you want your loved ones to have of you? you last words to be, your last actions to be?

I know you can’t rush healing, it takes time; but you do have a lot of control over how you heal and I am going to go over those steps again in my upcoming posts.

Controversial Topic – Dying With Dignity and Love

 

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I never knew Gillian Bennett, but I have cried buckets the past two weeks thinking about her life and mostly her death and the love that surrounded her death.

I don’t feel sorry for her or her family, don’t get me wrong; I am sorry for their loss but I admire and, yes, envy what she had. 

For those of you who don’t know who Gillian Bennett is, she chose to take her own life after being diagnosed with Dementia. 

You can read her story at http://www.deadatnoon.com

i am sorry for anyone that gets Dementia, I watched both my grandmothers slowly slip away mentally, it is a painful process for the person afflicted but even more so for the family that loves them. Gillian did not want her family to go through that; she wanted to die with dignity and her family loved her enough to respect and honor her wishes. 

I am not saying everyone with Dementia should kill themselves, I am saying I can totally understand why she did it and I agree with her decision. I listened today to CBC radio interview her son and husband of 57 years. The love in their voices is so evident. I have sobbed every time I listen to them being interviewed or read their story and to be honest I don’t know if I am crying for their loss or because I am feeling sorry for myself.

Isn’t THAT insane? to envy a woman who chose to kill herself because she had dementia? 

When I read about her life, (she wrote a 4 page letter that her son posted after her death at her request) I can’t help but admire the life she led. She raised two children who love her dearly, was married 57 years to a man she loved dearly and who loved her just as much. They lived in various countries and retired to Bowen Island off the coast of Vancouver in 1996. She was a stay at home mom who went back to school to become a psychologist because she wanted to have a career to sustain her in case her husband died before her. 

When the time came she called her two children and asked them to come for the weekend because on Monday she would be dead by noon. This didn’t come as a surprise to her children because she had discussed it often throughout the years, she had made it very clear she did not want to be a burden to anyone or to slowly become incapacitated. She had no fear of dying but to be a shell of the person she once was did scare her.

Her children came to their parents home on Bowen and spent the weekend walking and talking, saying their final goodbyes knowing the next day their mom would die. On the Monday she woke up with her husband, they had their usual breakfast and went for a walk to her favorite cliff and then they went back to the house and she dragged a foam mattress out to the place she had chosen to die. (she didn’t want her husband to help because she didn’t want him to assist her in anyway)

She had a mild whiskey that she drank after taking whatever the barbiturate was that would kill her; her husband held her hand and she went to sleep. Within 3 minutes she was asleep and within 1/2 an hour there was no sign of life. 

I think about the love her and her husband shared, how hard it must have been for him but he loved her enough to be there and hold her hand, to help her die the way she wanted to die. They had 57 years of love and raised a family together with mutual respect and love. 

That is what love is all about.

By contrast, what James and I had was a pitiful joke. He encouraged me to kill myself and left me to  die alone, and had I not been as good a driver as I was he would have been responsible for my death. When I look back I am embarrassed that I ever considered what he and I had to be love. Not everyone has a love like Gillian and her husband, but to me it is the ultimate, it is what every couple should aspire to.

An excerpt from the CBC article and Gillian’s blog:

“Bennett told her family of her plans but did not allow them to take part. It is a crime in Canada to assist in a suicide.

In her final hours, she wouldn’t allow her husband to drag a mattress to the spot she had chosen to die, worried even that could cause him trouble.

“That pretty much broke his heart, that he couldn’t help her with that. She was pretty frail herself,” Fox said. (Gillian’s daughter)

In her letter, Bennett lamented the law.

“This is all much tougher than it need be on Jonathan, and I wish he did not have to be alone with his wife’s corpse,” she wrote.

“Today, now, I go cheerfully and so thankfully into that good night. Jonathan, the courageous, the faithful, the true and the gentle, surrounds me with company. I need no more.”

“Each of us is born uniquely and dies uniquely. I think of dying as a final adventure with a predictably abrupt end. I know when it’s time to leave and I do not find it scary.”

Gillian Bennett

This is the true joy of life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

George Bernard Shaw