Tag Archives: evil

Let’s Set The Record Straight, Right Now!

There are some misconceptions going around that have the potential to be dangerous to unwitting victims of a narcissist.

Twenty years ago no one had even heard of a narcissist and a psychopath was someone depicted as running the Bates Hotel.

I had heard of Narcissist, the fabled guy who fell in love with his own reflection, but he was a joke, not to be feared.

After leaving my ex I was determined to figure out what happened to me and warn others.

There really wasn’t much information out there about narcissists and what I could find was vague and didn’t seem like my ex. One of the reasons I had fallen in love with my ex was the fact that he wasn’t a braggard. I had dated egomaniacs before and they never lasted long. I could not stand a guy who had to put a price on everything, interrupt people and be the center of attention. You know the guy, the one telling off color jokes at the top of his lungs, the used car salesman stereotype, the sleazeball leaning against the cigarette machine with his shirt undone to his navel with a gold chain and hitting on all the women. I never understood how they got women.

Or the guys in the gym who can’t walk past a mirror without flexing, or the highschool jock who has girls flocking at his feet. No fear of me ever falling for someone like that! As for a guy controlling what I wear, who my friends are, or when I go out; that was downright laughable!!

I was reading a post on a victims of a narcissist support site and some woman was saying she has learned to co-exist with her narcissistic husband. According to her, she knew exactly how to “handle” him. When I hear anyone say they know how to “handle” a narcissist and they can co-exist peacefully, I know one of three things is going on,

1. they are not with a narcissist

2. they are deep in denial

3. The narcissist has not revealed his true colors yet

She was defensive and told me she had done lots of research and knew what she was talking about. She related a story of a friend who’s husband was so selfish he filled the garage with all his “toys” and the wife could not park her car in the garage in winter and said, she would never presume to tell this friend to leave her husband and find someone better.

I would hope the hell not!! If that is the worst the woman has to deal with she should consider herself lucky.

This woman has a very warped definition of a narcissist!! Narcissists are NOT benign!!

It seems to me calling someone a narcissist has become the “in” thing to do. Everyone who has had a bad experience of any kind, been rejected by a man, or been with an inconsiderate man, is quick to label them a narcissist. The self righteous, “I am woman hear me roar” women will tell you they know how to deal with a narcissist. They tell a man what they think, they never let a man walk all over them. They aren’t a doormat.

Let me be very clear, narcissist is NOT the new age term for asshole.

If you sleep with a man even though he refuses to commit, you are making a conscious decision to have sex with a man without a commitment. If a man is honest enough to tell you, “I don’t love you”, “I don’t want a commitment”, “I don’t want to ever get married” believe him! Don’t assume you are going to win his love by being a doormat.

If a man falls out of love with you, it’s gonna hurt, but it happens, deal with it, it does not make him a narcissist.

Now, what does make him a narcissist?

The DSM 5, used to diagnose personality disorders, says at least 5 of these symptoms must exist:

    • A grandiose sense of self-importance

    • A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

    • A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions

    • A need for excessive admiration

    • A sense of entitlement

    • Interpersonally exploitive behavior

    • A lack of empathy

    • Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her

  • A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

In a proposed alternative model cited in DSM-5, NPD is characterized by moderate or greater impairment in personality functioning, manifested by characteristic difficulties in 2 or more of the following 4 areas [2] :

    • Identity

    • Self-direction

    • Empathy

  • Intimacy

It still sounds rather obscure and benign if you don’t fully understand how these traits manifest themselves.

Besides, by the time a victim goes looking for answers to “what the hell is happening?” They are in so deep it can be almost impossible to safely leave the relationship.

Any normal halfway intelligent woman wouldn’t date a narcissist if they saw him without his mask on the first date or two. When you meet the narcissist he is nothing like the description above, in fact he probably seems the exact opposite.

It isn’t even possible to describe how to a pick a narcissist out of the crowd or say what kind of woman they are attracted to because they morph into the victim’s perfect partner. They don’t have a “type” of woman, every woman they meet, regardless of age, looks, economic status, or religious beliefs is assessed for their value to the narcissist. Not every woman will fall for them but that is of little consequence to the narcissist because he has so many women in various stages of falling for his act he always has one or two ready to step into the role of his main supply.

He will use women for whatever he sees of benefit to him. One might provide a roof over his head, another could give him prestige, or a desired job, it could be simply a sexual relationship.

The one thing all the women will have in common is they will all think they are special to the narcissist and that he is totally in love with her alone. They will all think they know him better than anyone else and not have a clue who he really is. Most women find out exactly how little they knew about him after the relationship ends.

Before we go any further, let me clarify some misconceptions about narcissist. The mental health professionals can’t even agree on many aspects of narcissism. There is controversy about how dangerous they are, if they can be “healed” and how someone becomes a narcissist.

Some quick facts:

Not all narcissists were abused as children. I believe many of them were simply because they were narcissists and the parents were trying to teach them right from wrong. There can be numerous children in a family raised by the same two parents in the exact same way and one of them will be a narcissist and different from birth, always lying, breaking rules, blaming their siblings, getting in trouble in school etc

Brain scans have been done that prove narcissist and psychopath’s brains never develop the ability to feel empathy or guilt. Consequently, they can not be healed, not with therapy or by your magical love.

People will tell you narcissists aren’t dangerous. But recent research is showing otherwise. All psychopaths are narcissistic. They say narcissists don’t murder people, only psychopaths do that. If they both display the exact same traits how does a lay person distinguish between the two. A narcissist is just a psychopath who hasn’t killed yet.

There are three personality disorders that are considered the most dangerous; psychopathy, sociopathy, and narcissism. The reason they are so dangerous is because they are the only disorders that lack a conscience. Think about it; without a conscience what stops a person from doing whatever they want whenever they want. Most of us have been so angry at someone at some point in our lives that we thought, “I could kill the bastard”; but we don’t! Because we know our conscience wouldn’t allow it. We may see something we like and think, “I really want that”, but we don’t steal it because we would feel too guilty, or we would think Karma would get us, or God, or we know how we would feel if someone stole from us. A narcissist doesn’t have those filters. He wants it, he takes it, without any guilt, in fact he feels entitled to take it.

Therapy doesn’t help a narcissist, except to help him be better at being a narcissist. Counselling only provides the narcissist with more information he can use to manipulate his victims and improve his acting skills.

Narcissists will tell you that they aren’t dangerous or even that evil. I have been told by narcissists that I am describing a psychopath, psychopaths say I am describing a sociopath or narcissist, the sociopath says, “Not ME! You are talking about narcissists!

One of the leading traits of a narcissist is that they are pathological liars. Why would you believe anything they say?

I heard a long time ago,

“If a narcissist’s lips are moving, he’s lying.”

Which is another reason therapy doesn’t help them and why therapists don’t agree on the cause, motives, and severity of narcissism; they never get a straight answer from the narcissist.

They are academy award worthy actors. They knew at a very young age they were different than everyone else, so they learned to imitate the emotions of those around them in order to fit in and go undetected. They learned that acting the way they wanted got them in trouble and worked against them. They are usually highly intelligent so figure out they get much further if they pretend to be like everyone else. That is where upbringing plays a major role in how they present themselves, and some are more sophisticated than others.

Look! I don’t really care what label you put on them, there is a type of person out there in the world destroying lives and they all follow the same m.o. The Diagnostic Manual wants to put narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths under the same classification and call them Antisocial Disorder.

People want to break it down even further to Malignant, Covert, Cerebral, and Somatic Narcissist. As far as I am concerned, we give the narcissist far too much attention as it is. A narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist.

We go looking for answers so we can put our experience, the narcissist in a nice little box and file it away. We think if we can figure out how the narcissist ticks and why he does the things he does, it will help us heal, give us closure.

We think he can give us answers for why he wants to destroy us, the one who loved him unconditionally. Because we do have a conscience, empathy and guilt, we know that for us to treat people that way we would have had to have something truly horrible happen to us. No one acts that way without reason.

You are wrong, narcissists treat people that way without any justification…..because they are narcissists. They know they “hurt” people, but without the ability to feel empathy, hurt, is just a word. Love, is a word they use to manipulate their victims, they have no idea how it feels to truly love someone. In order to truly love someone you have to feel empathy.

Now don’t go crying for the narcissist, feeling sorry for the poor guy who will never know how it feels to love and be loved, doomed to live a lonely loveless life and die alone.

The narcissist actually feels superior to the rest of society. He sees feelings as what makes people weak, it is the thing that enables him to victimize so many people. Why would he want to be like his victims? He thinks his victims are stupid and weak so deserve to be used by him. Every time a victim forgives him he is more disgusted with their gullibility to believe his lies yet again!

So how can you protect yourself? You don’t want to be suspicious all the time. If they are such good actors how on earth can you know until it’s too late? It’s really very simple.

They all seem perfect at first. Not perfect for everyone, but perfect for you.

They think you are perfect, where have you been all their life? They have never known love like the love they have with you.

They push for sex early.

It’s a whirlwind romance. Him rushing to live together or get married. Talking about having kids etc.

He will try to get you to quit your job, move to a new town somehow make you dependent on him.

He usually keeps you away from his family somehow. They are vicious addicts, have always abused his good nature or they don’t like you.

He will point out how disrespectful your kids are to you. How your family doesn’t appreciate you. He just wants to protect you. You are always taking care of everyone else. There probably is a smidgen of truth to it too.

All his ex’s were psycho bitches that are out to get him and destroy him. He will forbid you to talk to them because they will try to turn you against him.

You will discover some lie early on and he will down play it, beg forgiveness and promise it will never happen again.

He will more than likely have money tied up somehow and will try to borrow a bit until the big payoff comes through. He will have money to wine and dine you at first though. He is getting it off some other sucker.

He might have questionable work ethics or credentials.

Often he is new to town so has no long term friends you can meet, he becomes friends with your friends.

Sex is intense and frequent, at first.

Then, all of a sudden, like a switch went off; he is moody, critical, flies into a rage over nothing and you are shocked, don’t understand what you did wrong. He might disappear for days at a time. He will pick a fight and not call or answer your calls for days and then pop back into your life like nothing happened.

If you try to break up with him, he will cry and beg you to give him another chance but things quickly go back to him being moody and angry all the time.

None of this is normal behavior and this is when you exit stage left and cut off all communication. You can NOT talk to him because he will put doubt in your mind. Trust your gut that is telling you something is not right.

Catching Up

I want to apologize to any one I have not replied to, I am having a hard time catching up after being sick and I am going to have to just start fresh today because it has gotten so busy here (not complaining) I can’t answer all the comments in a day let alone try to reply to past comments.

So if you are new to the site and I haven’t said it yet, Welcome!! You have stumbled upon a group of very supportive caring people who will give you a cyber hug and shoulder to cry on any time you need it, they will also tell you in a nice way to get your head out of your ass if you need it. ūüôā

I want to thank everyone that has held the place together in my absence, especially, Cindy, Connie, Nadine, Morgan, KJ, Ellie and many more. I have read every ones comments and I am so impressed with the compassion and wisdom every one shows to each other. Everyone here deserves to be treated well and loved for who they are and who better to recognize that; it takes one to know one.

heartSome times the truth hurts, but it hurts because we know it is the truth and it doesn’t do us any good to be fed lies because that is what we want to hear, that is what got us here to begin with; the narcissist telling us what we wanted to hear and not the truth.

It is time society as a¬†whole accept the fact that evil people live among us, it could be your neighbor, the cop who comes to your rescue, your child’s teacher, the guy at the corner gas station. They are politicians, lawyers, doctors, and are probably highly intelligent and personable. They are charismatic. They don’t have a scarlet N on their forehead to warn you they are a narcissist, they subtly take control of your life and heart and rape your soul, only to leave you bleeding without a backwards glance, They are the executive who can fire someone without a second thought about how they will feel their family. The preacher who will preach hell fire and brimstone and then go in the back and screw the choir leader and beat his wife.

How can they be so heartless? Why do they do it? Does it really matter? They do it, that is all we need to know, because we are the victims, we are the ones hurt and left picking up the pieces; what matters most is how do we carry on and avoid getting sucked in again. Too much time is spent focusing on the N, that is what got us here, worrying about the N, thinking about the N, snooping on the N, trying to figure out what he was doing, trying to please him, trying to decipher his lies, our whole life became the N at any cost. We lost family, friends, jobs, homes, and our pride and self-esteem to one of these soulless bastards, don’t you think he has taken enough from you? isn’t it time to think about yourself and what part of you was so needy for love that you put up with being treated like dirt, how did he get that much control over you and identify it so it doesn’t happen again.

choose  to becomeIf we wallow in self-pity and cry, “He lied, he sucked me in!” “There was nothing I could do, I was victimized, I am a victim and my life is over.” we will remain victims. We will be victimized again. We have to admit we had the power to leave, we had the power to not be victims but we didn’t know what we were dealing with, we were naive, we believed that there is good in everyone and we believed in fairy tale happy endings. How do we go on, how do we put our lives back together?

I am not pointing fingers, I lost everything for love, I jeopardized my life for love. ¬†If I don’t take responsibility for that then I have learned nothing and have no hope of ensuring it never happens again. I have cried for my lost innocence, I didn’t need to learn the things I learned the 10 years I was with him. I saw the devil, I danced the dance with him, I slept with him, I gave him control, so he would love me, so he would think I was perfect again and love me again.

They say the truth will set you free, usually there is a lot of truth behind these sayings. I have always thought I can deal with anything as long as I know what I am dealing with, don’t bullshit me. Nothing makes me feel less in control than knowing something is wrong but not knowing what it is. Nothing makes me crazier than knowing a fact and being told I am wrong. Give me the truth and then I have the power to make a decision based on the truth.

I will give you the truth, the narcissist was born disabled, he can’t love, he will never be able to love, he does not care about you. You are just another woman that he used to get something he wanted. He is a pathological liar and an academy award winning actor, but he has no loyalty, he would screw his own grand mother in a deal. Does it really matter why he does it or how he lives with himself? He does it. he does it because he can and he gets something out of it.

We can ruminate over every detail of our relationships with a narcissist, we can compare notes and cry and rant, scream about how it is so unfair but the truth remains. There are evil people in the world not just in the movies and they hurt innocent caring people every day; I feel it is up to us who have been there, to warn others, make society aware these soul suckers exist and support those who have experienced it and are going through the pain.

When I was going through it, there weren’t as many sites dedicated to narcissists and psychopaths, I didn’t even know what a narcissist was, aside from the fable we all heard when we were kids about the guy who fell in love with his own reflection, a harmless egocentric. I went in a few forums and read the comments of people, every one went on and on about the horrible treatment they suffered at the hands of the narcissist, there were lists of traits and red flags to help identify the narcissist. Women and men compared horror stories and support each other in No Contact but no where did I find someone who had survived a relationship and went on to live a happy fulfilled life. I told myself because if they were happy they had left that behind them and gone on with their lives so of course they were not on the internet.

I saw woman who were making money off of books or programs on how to heal and there is a need for them, no doubt. I am that example I was looking for;survive

A woman who survived a narcissist, got her feet back under her against all odds, and I am happy and at peace, without a man in my life, without bitterness holding me back from ever loving again, but complete without a man

I copied and pasted this from my “About page. Playing With The Cards I Am Dealt”

If by sharing my experiences;
РI empower even one woman to leave an abusive relationship by demonstrating you don’t have to stay just because you have no money or support,

– If one person is given insight into how to help a woman caught in the web of deceit and manipulation of narcissism

– If one life is saved

I will feel there was a purpose for what I went through.

I want to prove:

-(to myself and others)there is life after loving a narcissist.

– A person can not only survive a relationship with a narcissist but thrive and come away from it stronger, more confident, and complete.

I feel I have accomplished all of the above and will continue, but now that I am on the other side and looking back, and the world is so much kinder and life is so much sweeter I want to be prove you don’t have to just survive a relationship with a narcissist; you can thrive!!!

I can’t believe how my life has improved since I truly cut JC out of my life and I want to give everyone some thing more than surviving their pain I want to be a glowing example of how good life can be if you just work through the pain.

I am on the other side of a huge chasm, a huge black abyss that looks and feels  impossible to navigate, I am basking in the warm sunlight looking back at the people c

Timothy 3 1-7

This is a Bible verse that really sticks with me. JC was raised in a very Christian home as was the most recent N I dated. JC actually is responsible for my faith growing stronger. We discussed religion on a regular basis, we prayed every meal, he used his christianity when it suited his needs. At times he talked like he was the real JC or at the very least he was chosen by God for sometjing really sprcoal. He wrangled his way into a very noteworthy charitable organization and went as a volunteer to Sudan and then stole from the organization and got a Sudanese young girl pregnant and deserted her.
He is a despicable person.

2 Timothy 3:1-7

English Standard Version (ESV)

Godlessness in the Last Days

3 But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty.2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive,disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal,not loving good, 4 treacherous, reckless,swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. 6 For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, 7 always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth.