Tag Archives: Fairytales

The One Word Red Flag That You Are In Love With A Narcissist

POTENTIAL

adjective

  • possible, as opposed to actual:
    the potential uses of nuclear energy.
  • capable of being or becoming:
    a potential danger to safety.

noun

possibility; potentiality:
an investment that has little growth potential.
a latent excellence or ability that may or may not be developed.

Potential

I think I probably thought it on the very first date and I know damn well I thought it many many times in the 10 years I was with James. “He has so much potential if only ………..” or if my ego  was speaking; “He has so much potential all he needs is a good woman (me) to encourage him, steer him on the right course, believe in him”.

Potential is fine when someone is 16, THEN they have potential, but when they are adults and still have nothing and it is always someone else’s fault; then it becomes P.O.T.E.N.T.I.A.L which spells L.O.S.E.R. with big red flags waving on either side.

lightbulb

One of the drawbacks of being a successful, independent woman is the fact that we don’t need a man to support us, we tend to think we can help a person out because we know we are capable. Our ego takes over and we think we are more capable than other people to overcome obstacles, recoup losses, and we want to help other people to be successful and reach their full potential. 

If you find yourself wanting to “help him be all that he can be” join a mentoring program at your local high school, but puleeze! do not base a relationship on a man’s potential.

Money isn’t everything, I know that, I have always been one of the least materialistic people I know. I never judged a guy by what kind of car he drove, his address, or what kind of job he had. I judged a man by if he was a hard worker, honest, did he treat me well, was he respectful, law abiding, well liked, intelligent, have a sense of humor and when I met James, he had all that plus good looks and he oozed charm and sex appeal. To top it all off…………. he “needed a good woman” and he thought I was perfect, I was everything he had never gotten from a woman.  I was nothing like all his exs, I was calm and rational, I made sense, I appreciated him, I believed in him like no other woman ever had.

It is hard to admit now because I know the truth and it gives your ego a real kick in the teeth when you discover that you are not all that and a bag of chips. It doesn’t matter how confident you were going in, how beautiful you were or that any man would have been thrilled to have a chance with you; you swallowed the poison, you believed him when he told you that you were the woman he had been waiting for his whole life, and he was lying.

If you really believed you weren’t an exceptional woman and worthy of his love and attention, it would be easier to accept he was lying, but you knew he was right. You are a wonderful homemaker, loving partner, independent yet nurturing, you are a desirable woman, you are kind, giving, loving and damned attractive and that is why you believed him.

When his true colors first start to show, you are afraid there is something wrong with him, he is stressed, sick, (in my case I thought James might have a brain tumor), it can’t be you because you haven’t done anything wrong. Then as time goes on you know that you can fix it, he has just misunderstood, you will explain it in a way he understands and things will go back to the way they were, because you are always capable of fixing anything. men have always thought you were great but HE loved you like no one ever had, even when you weren’t at your best.

Women these days are burdened with a lot of pressure from society, as much as “women’s lib” has benefitted women, I think it has been a curse in many ways. Whereas they used to be expected to maintain the home and have supper on the table when the man, the breadwinner; came home from work NOW she is expected to work full-time AND have dinner on the table when her “better half” walks through the door.  Is it any wonder she feels she is falling short somehow in the relationship?

Personally, I met James when I was in my 40’s, with several relationships under my belt, I was used to having to ask for what I wanted (no one is a mind reader) and being the one to organize the house and assign duties as far as maintaining the house. I was proud of my ability to discuss issues calmly and state my needs without blaming or pointing fingers. I went into the relationship with James eager to put all my “lessons learned” into practice and have a true partnership with the man I loved. I think many young women expect a man to “just know” what she wants and needs, 3 marriages had taught me to express my needs and relationships are built on compromise and open communication. I told James I felt it was unfair for the woman to continue to work after putting in an 8-9 hour day and that the duties in the home should be shared equally. He, of course agreed, he gave lip service without the actions to back it up but I ignored it for the most part because I didn’t want to give up my dream relationship. He might as well have been reading me a fairytale from a book about a princess who meets her prince charming. It’s a great story, but you know it isn’t true. Just like the narcissist is a great character but he isn’t real. It is easy to decipher fantasy from reality when you are reading a book, much harder when the person is in flesh and blood right in front of you.

I remember early in the relationship, long before infidelity or abuse became evident; going to James in tears and telling him that I just could not continue to do it all. I was commuting to work an hour each way, up at 5, on the road by 6, and not home until after 6 most nights because I would stop for groceries. I would walk through the door at 7-8 and start supper (after cleaning up the mess he had made in the kitchen while I was at work), I was exhausted. He got this empathetic look on his face, pulled me close said, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, I love you just the way you are. Promise me you’ll never change.”

I didn’t change, I never pretended to be something I wasn’t, I did set boundaries, I did voice my unhappiness over things he did or didn’t do, and I always saw his potential.

He didn’t change either, just his story changed; he stopped reading me the fairytale but really, his actions never changed; he never had any intention of living up to his potential, he never has and he never will. His potential is what you see is what you get; like he said, he is successful now. (because he found a wealthy widow to feed off of) THAT is James’s potential.

potential

Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and the Narcissist

easter-santa

The following is a recycled post from 2014 I felt was worth repeating:

All over the world children are waking up this morning and the first thought in their little minds is whether Santa left presents for them last night. They will go running to look under the tree and find a bounty of brightly wrapped boxes, a stocking bulging with gifts, the cookies and milk will have been eaten and for one more year their faith in Santa remains intact.

I can’t remember what age Kris was when he stopped believing in Santa but I remember the day like it was yesterday.

I had worked very hard to keep the truth from him. I went to great lengths every Christmas keeping the fairy tale alive. Before Christmas my Dad would call pretending to be Santa Claus calling from the North Pole and talk to Kris. Of course we always visited Santa at the mall and on occasion Santa visited our house. Kris would make out his Christmas wish list and I would pray that he wished for something I could afford.

Christmas Eve we would lay out newspaper from the door to the tree for Santa to walk on, Kris would get a plate of cookies and a glass of milk ready for Santa and carrots for the reindeer and put it on the coffee table. My younger brother would usually come to stay the night and help me get the gifts under the tree, we would drink Grand Marnier and tea, he would eat the cookies, chew up and spit out carrot (the first year I saw him spitting carrots on the floor I was not impressed but he explained that reindeer are sloppy eaters), write Kris a letter from Santa saying thanks for the cookies and we usually stayed up far too late talking. I would boil water so I could make mud because the ground would be frozen. I would dig out my old gumboots that I kept just for Christmas Eve and I would go step in the mud so I could make foot prints on the newspaper.

In the morning we were usually awake before Kris and after we had our morning coffee (and coffee liqueur) we would get bored waiting for Kris to wake up and start ringing the jingle bells and my brother would start shouting “Ho Ho Ho”.

Kris believed for a long time. I was actually surprised he still believed when most kids his age had figured it out or been told by some disillusioned older child, but I had done such an excellent job creating the illusion, Kris staunchly clung to his belief in Santa. I remember him defending Santa to some little friend, “Maybe you don’t have Santa at your house, but Santa always comes to my house, right Mom?” and I would nod my head, thinking the child he was talking to would be so confused because parents don’t lie.

Then the day of reckoning came.

We were driving back from our weekly trip across the border to the US for groceries and out of no where Kris says, “Mom, I want to ask you a question and I want you to be honest with me.”

I said, “Ok Kris, I will be honest, what is it.” I was thinking, “Oh God don’t let it be, where do babies come from or some other equally uncomfortable topic”.

He said, “You have to promise mom, it’s really important, the kids at school are teasing me and I really need you to tell me the truth.”

My stomach was in my throat but I promised no matter what I would be totally honest.

He screwed up his courage and asked, “Mom?…………”

Me “Yes Kris, go ahead, ask me anything.”

He went on, “The kids at school are saying there isn’t a Santa, is there a Santa mom? I really need to know.”

A mixture of panic and relief flooded over me and my mind raced, what do I do? I promised to be honest and if the kids are teasing him, and he DID want me to be honest. I looked at him and said, “You really want the truth?”

Kris- “Yes mom. Tell me the truth.”

Me – “No, Kris, there isn’t a Santa.”

He looked at me in utter disbelief, and started to argue with me, “But there has to be a Santa! Who brought all those presents? you never had enough money to buy all those presents and the foot prints, there HAS to be a Santa!!”

He refused to believe me and I ended up saying something like, “Santa exists if you believe.” I didn’t know what else to do, he refused to accept the truth and I thought I would just let it sink in and eventually he would accept it.

I often feel the victims of a narcissist are much the same; they go on the net looking for the truth, they have a feeling that the narcissist isn’t real, maybe people have even said something to them. They find my blog (or some other blog) and there is the truth staring back at them, everything they read describes their lives since meeting the N. They wanted the truth but once they have it they don’t want to accept it and will even argue that their man may fit the description of a narc but they are not sure he is one, after all there is so much proof he is really a nice guy deep down inside.

I am not going to argue with anyone, I figure once I put the truth out there it is up to the individual person to digest the information and eventually they will accept the truth and adjust their lives accordingly.

But the narcissist is nothing more than an elaborate lie, just like Santa, he seemed like a jolly, generous, merry, benevolent guy without a mean bone in his body. Much like Santa has little elves as helpers, the Narcissist has “helpers”also, who help him with his charade. The big difference, and why we can get over finding out Santa was not real easier than finding out the truth about the narcissist is; Santa doesn’t go on a smear campaign when you discover the truth about him. Santa doesn’t demand you give him back all the gifts he ever got you and everything else you have. Santa doesn’t go out of his way to make you feel inferior because you aren’t as good as the other children and that is why he doesn’t exist any more and if you would have just believed in him he would still be leaving gifts under your tree. Santa doesn’t haunt your dreams, stalk you, send you nasty text messages, talk shit behind your back, or blame you for everything wrong in his life. Santa is just a good memory, such a good memory we tell the same lie to our children.

The narcissist makes you want to warn everyone about narcissists and protect all the children of the world from his evil. He may be make believe but he is also flesh and blood and the devil in disguise and the sooner you accept that the better off you will be.

We all want to cling to the fantasy, it was such a nice fantasy, and it did seem so real, when we were naive; but it is time to put our big girl panties on and face the truth. It will hurt for a while but there is life after a narcissist just like any of the other fairy tales we cling to. There is no bunny who leaves chocolate eggs around the house, and no tooth fairy who comes and leaves money under your pillow, or a fat jolly man who sneaks in on Christmas eve and leaves gifts for all the good children, the narcissist is not your soul mate who will always love you for who you are and cherish you, he just pretended to be.

I know some people are feeling so very all alone today, you are feeling like you are the only one who is miserable this Christmas, the N is off with the new woman and giving her all the wonderful things and more than you ever wanted or got from the N, maybe he has turned the kids against you, or maybe he has left you destitute and you can barely feed yourself or don’t have a place to call home, maybe you are still with the N and walking on egg shells hoping he doesn’t ruin the day and once again there were no gifts for you under the tree. Whatever your circumstances are, know this; you are a precious gift, you are special and loved, you do not need his approval or love, to be whole and happy. It was all an evil illusion to make you feel less than, but you are beautiful, and so very loveable, and you are strong, look what you have survived so far! You may feel broken, you have every right to be sad, lonely, angry, ………… whatever you are feeling but this day is only 24 hours long and you are 1/2 way through now, you can get through the rest of the day and then it is only a few days until the new year and with the new year comes a new beginning. You will never be quite this low again, you have been through the worst of it. There is life after the narcissist, just keep saying it until you believe it.

hobs