Tag Archives: Family

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!!

 

 

Merry Christmas Tree Wallpaper

I want to wish everyone a Christmas Day of peace and serenity, filled with friends and family,

lots of food, booze, laughs, and a light heart.

Wherever you may be in this big world I want to thank you for all your support throughout the last year and

the 4 Christmases that came before this one.

I sit here, alone, with carols playing on the radio

Stella is crunching her Christmas bone from Santa

I have peace in my heart

and tears of gratitude in my eyes.

I wish that each one of you

knows you are loved

and just how special you are.

I pray that you are all given the strength to get through the day

and know somewhere deep in your soul that better days are ahead. 

The Ultimate Betrayal

I am so full of love, contentment and pure unadulterated joy and gratitude I can not put it into words!

I took pics with my son’s camera and when I get them via email later I will post them so you all can see why my heart is about ready to explode. Or part of the reason my heart is about to explode.

I can not share everything that went on this weekend because I have to be respectful of other’s privacy but I must share some of it so that those of you who are feeling you will never find joy might take heart in the fact that 3 years ago I tried to kill myself and today I am so F$cking happy it didn’t work!!

I was ready to go when my son got here on Saturday morning right on time at 7:30. I knew he was stressed because he works 6 days a week 12 hours a day and he was going to be tired. He was apprehensive about bringing Stella because she is still a puppy and he wouldn’t have brought his dog because she would be too hard to keep under control with a crowd etc and he was nervous because he was getting his daughter all by himself for the first time and he wanted it to be perfect.

It was a 4 hour drive to my Dad’s house where the celebration of life was being held, I had not seen my dad or step mom in 15 years, but my step mom had called me a few days prior and invited me personally and sounded so pleased when I said I was already planning on being there, I wasn’t nervous at all. It was great to hug her and my step sisters (who I have seen throughout the years)  My brother and nephew drove up in my dad’s old truck (my brother bought it off my dad just before he died). My brother and I had a falling out when I quit working for him and it has been tense between us but sitting there, having a few drinking and reminiscing we shed a few tears but mostly we laughed. At one point I looked across the lawn and there was my boy, my nephew, and my brother standing there laughing and talking and my heart filled with so much love and gratitude it started leaking out of my eyes. Where did the years go? we have all had struggles, so many, so many demons that my brother, my son and I have fought and we all came through it and we are all standing stronger for it and we love each other and that is all that counts when it all comes down to it.

Stella? she was the star of the show. such a sweet sweet puppy, gently playing with the young children and gently introducing herself to the old people using walkers and wheel chairs. Her and another big dog there met and had a little scuffle and then played all day long until they were exhausted. We stayed 3 hours longer than we had planned on but everyone was having so much fun. My brother was driving back to Vancouver and kris and I were heading to Kelowna but we followed my brother for about an hour before we had to turn off the freeway. I laughed so hard with such pure joy I felt like a teenager again. Kris would pull past my brother and then my brother pulled alongside, back and forth scaring the crap out of me because the road is windy. I was mouthing through the window “Heeeeeeelp Meeeee” and my brother and nephew were laughing. We stopped at a light and I rolled down the window and said, “I’ve got a heart condition you know!” We all laughed, I thought I might pee myself!

We had to drop off some wood at a customer’s of my brother’s (my son works for my brother) and the guy welcomed us into his home life long lost family, giving my son a huge bear hug. He didn’t know I was my son’s mother but gave me a huge hug also. He insisted we have a drink and come in, we sat with him and his family around a bon fire and had more laughed. The man is a big business man and he was telling everyone that he loves my son and my brother and he wouldn’t hire anyone but them. My heart filled with pride.

We left there and went to a friends of my son’s. Brodie has been a friend of my son’s for almost 20 years, he is a family man with 3 little ones and has done well for himself. He has a 30′ trailer that I guess is always available for my son when he is in town and it was ready for us to just crawl into bed. We all slept like logs and the next morning my son went to estimate a job and I fell back to sleep. Brodie’s wife had coffee made when I got up and Stella played with their dog and kids all day. So relaxed, such great hosts, such sweet kids.

Kris went to get Kaela by himself and she didn’t remember me and was a bit shy but she played with the other kids and then we all went for ice cream. I watched my boy with his daughter and the love between them was obvious. Then I saw her slip her arm through his and lean her head on his arm, he bent down to kiss her and she just beamed. I snapped a bunch of photos. She looks just like me at that age, and very much like Kris. She is just the sweetest, best behaved, loving little girl.

When we took her home she was asleep in her car seat and my son packed her in. When she got inside and woke up and insisted on coming back and kissing grandma good bye. That was it! the tears started flowing.

We went back to Brodie’s and had a dip in their pool to cool off before we headed home.

My son was tired but he said too, it was a wonderful weekend and he said it was so good to have time for just him and I. I don’t remember a time since he moved out that we would have had 8 solid hours of just him and I. At one point I asked him what he thought was my worst trait and what was my best trait and he said, “You talk A LOT!!” I laughed so hard because I know I talk a lot and I had been talking nonstop for the whole trip. Not so much when we were other people but when we were driving I didn’t shut up. I said, “OK so that is my worst trait, what is my best trait?” He said, “You talk a lot.” I said he couldn’t use the same trait for both and he told me that he loved to listen to me talk, that I always had interesting stories to tell and he appreciated what I had to say. We told each other things we had been through that we never told each other before. We told each other what we appreciated about each other and we expressed our deepest fears and our regrets and things we are proud of about ourselves and each other, our dreams and things we are sorry for.

We got home and he had another hour to drive to get home himself. As he was pulling away, after hugging several times and saying I love you, he stopped his truck and rolled down his window and yelled out, “I love you mom, I’m really glad you came along!”

I walked in the door to my little cabin and it was just how I left it, no dirty dishes, no mess just the way I left it and I made myself a simple supper and thought how happy I am that the WOSPOS is not in my life any more. Stella and I crawled into bed early and my dreams were full of the wospos. But I didn’t wake up crying, I didn’t wake up upset in anyway. I woke up thanking the good Lord he is out of my life and that I lived long enough to experience to do a road trip with my boy.

When you are with the narc he keeps you in a dense fog that blocks the sunlight, so much negativity you can’t appreciate the simple wonderful moments in life. If I would have been with the wospos either he would have made it impossible for me to go or he would have started a fight before I went so I would have been in a bad mood OR he would have pissed my son off and my boy would have been in an angry mood. Then while I was gone I would have been wondering what he was doing, I would have been concerned about calling enough that he wouldn’t be upset and he would have said things when I called to upset me. I would have been worried about getting home on time and what I would find when I did get home. I would be walking on eggshells not wanting to sound like I had too much fun. The house would have been a mess with dirty dishes everywhere and I would have been pissed.

I will cherish this weekend for the rest of my life.

I watched this Oprah clip this morning   LINK   about living your purpose. Start living the life you were meant to live. I recommend it with all my “about to burst” heart!!

It’s Easy To Forget What Is Truly Important

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My son and his 80 lb Bull Mastiff, and if you notice Kato is peacefully chewing on a squeaky ball not the least bit concerned there is another dog in the house.

In life it is normal to take what you have for granted, its hard to remember to be thankful for the simple blessings we have in everyday life when our heart is breaking. We lose the person we thought was our whole world and feel sorry for ourselves. All we can think about is our pain and how unfair life is.

In many cases we have grown apart from family and friends because the N made it so difficult to see them we just gave up or gave in to appease him/her.
I lost everything I thought made me who I was, when I lost my home, that I had worked so hard as a single mom, to attain; I thought that it was the worst thing I had ever gone through and didn’t know how I would ever have a home again.
Then with JC I lost all my furniture due to his efforts several times, either he didn’t come and help me move when he promised, or he destroyed it in anger, or the storage bill didn’t get paid because I gave him the money and he spent it elsewhere. Once he made me leave it behind saying we would buy new and of course that never happened. The first time I was devastated and thought I couldn’t leave him because I had nothing.
But I have a house full of furniture now and like I said I lost all my furniture several times which means I replaced all my furniture several times and managed to do it for practically no money because God provides.
Then I lost all my jewellery, the $4000 ring I had made for my son out of all my diamond rings, the ring I had made for myself to match it; the baby booties I was given when my son was born, JC even gave me a gold ring that had the diamond solitaire missing, and it was my own ring!! I have nothing of value left.
All my clothes were stolen twice!! And I have more clothes than I need now.
You name it and I’ve lost it. I came home after a fight with JC because he didn’t want me to go to work that day; to find all my stuff in a muddy field and him hosing it down.
I had 3 cars stolen in 3 years.
I had money taken.
It got so that I hardly reacted when something of mine disappeared or got destroyed. I lost 4 jobs because of him including my own business that he now takes credit for. I have been homeless because of JC and I have had major health issues because of the stress of being with an abusive partner. I have lived in places a dog shouldn’t live and animal services would have rescued the dog but I was left there to struggle my way out of it.
There is one thing I have never lost and the only thing that is of any TRUE value and that is my boy.

I had him here for 24 hours, after not seeing him for 2 1/2 years and I cherish every second of that 24 hours. To be able to cook dinner for my family in my little home, to sit back and watch my brother, son and nephew talk and laugh was the best gift ever and a true blessing. I am so thankful for all I have, for the love of my family.

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top Pic my son and nephew reading some joke on the internet. second pic is my brother and son, two handsome young men. I should have taken some photos of my son’s tattoos. I always told him not to tattoo past his elbows, but he rarely listened to me anyway. But I am very pleased with the tattoos he has gotten. He puts lot of thought into what he gets and the artists he gets to do them are very talented. He started tattooing himself when he was about 18 and oh he made a horrible mess, he has covered them all up now and almost has full sleeves. One one arm he has Arc Angel Micheal trying to pull a man out of hell and the devil is pulling on the guy trying to drag the guy into hell. it takes up most of his arm. on his hands he has a compass pointing to true north on the other hand he has an anvil and a sledge hammer breaking a chain. It symbolizes Canada “true north strong and free”. He has a French Cross on one calf and a normal cross on the other calf. He has two blue birds on his chest because his dad  and all his uncles have the same tattoos. I forget now what his back says, Its in Greek and says something about a man integrity. He went to Alberta Bible College and could be a pastor if he wanted and could find a church that would take him, he would be quite the pastor standing up at the front of the church with all his tattoos. I bet he would do an awesome job. He used to mentor troubled teens.

I can not put into words how blessed I feel.

No matter what I ever thought I lost, the things that really matter are still there for me.

I can’t believe I ever thought what JC and I had was worth the agony I went through.

Some times a person has to lose everything to appreciate what they have.

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I don’t remember what my brother said but Kris and I thought it was pretty dang funny. and at the very bottom is my sweet little grand baby. No doubt that my son is the father!!

If someone asked me what’s the one message I would like to get through to young women it would be this.

Never value a man more than you value yourself and your family. I can remember feeling that I was lacking without a man in my life and I see it on here all the time. Women with broken hearts anxious to meet another man, afraid they will never love again, if a woman doesn’t want to date people say, “Don’t worry, you will heal and want to date again.” But who is saying that wanting to date says you are healed? I think it is the woman who doesn’t need to date to feel complete, the woman who is open to dating and love coming into her life but does not NEED it to feel complete. I have wasted so much time worrying about whether a man liked me or not, whether I was attractive enough, how can I make a man love me and appreciate me and totally ignoring what was best for ME. Dating sites etc are the “bars” of today full of desperate women looking for a man who will make her feel “worthy” if those same women took the focus off of the man and put it on herself and what she is doing with her life she wouldn’t need the reinforcement of a man to feel valued she would KNOW she is valuable because of what she is contributing to the world and she will be judged by her own actions in the world and not on the man she is with. If more women valued themselves and didn’t rely on a man to give her worth there would be a lot less affairs, and narcissists would have a hard time finding victims.

Before you start looking for a man to love, take the time to love and value yourself. Pull yourself out of your black hole, better yourself, become more self aware, learn something new, give back to the world, treasure what you have, pray for what you need and know the difference between what you need and what you want, and what they tell you you should want or need.  and most of all be Thankful for small blessings because when it all comes down to it, it’s all you have.

There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie