Tag Archives: Food

My Headless Friend

Taken Thanksgiving 2012

Just wait until my teeth are fixed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My headless friend is a really good friend who drives transport and was in town Monday so a few of us met for coffee. I met my HF when JC and I were living in WalMart parking lot, he had seen JC’s tractor and had come over and said hi. JC called me saying I had to come to the Best Western and meet this cool guy he’d just met. My HF is quite simply one of the nicest guys I’ve met, he is Christian and can quote scripture like no one I have ever met besides JC’s mother but he isn’t pushy about it. And of course seeing as HF was Christian JC was also. All of a sudden JC was all into going to church, saying Grace every meal, and HF became his best friend immediately. (I found with JC he was the same with his male friends as he was with women, he became fast friends with guys immediately and would be calling them constantly, doing them favors, giving them gifts, taking on their views and beliefs and almost idolizing them. But something would happen, JC would screw them in a deal or they would accuse him of stealing or he would start jerking them around, not showing up etc and they would get angry with him)

I didn’t want to post HE’s face without his permission but I like the picture and Lou had requested a picture of me in my skinny jeans so there I am in my skinny jeans trying to stifle a smile. By the way, I am finally going to get the last of my dental work done this Friday so there should be smiling big time in a few weeks. Wooohooo

I had a really good weekend, one of the best I’ve had in over two years. My mom emailed me on Saturday to see if I wanted to go out for supper Sunday. She picked me up and we went to the Dewdney Pub and had a really excellent turkey dinner. My HF called Saturday to see if I wanted to get together on Monday with him and 2 other guys. So Monday afternoon I had a good couple hours visit with them and then went to visit another friend. She had mail for me from the trailer park and there was a cheque from the coop for me for $125.

My weekends are usually so depressing and long weekends even worse but I felt great. I gave myself a French manicure, talked to my son, my cousin, text messaged my contact list to say Happy Thanksgiving, JC’s sister Denise dropped in on my blog and commented on my post ” Poverty is For Other People” saying it was really well done. I was so touched her took the time to comment.

None of that is that special, do you wanna know what made it really special?
I didn’t talk about JC all weekend except in casual passing. HF asked if I had talked to him lately because JC never returns his phone messages or emails and I just said, “No but his step dad called me the other day to see if I’d tslkrx to him because he isn’t returning their calls either.” I am no longer the “go to person” when anyone is looking for JC, That in itself felt great.

I talked about what I want to do with my life, my new career ideas, my blog, my dogs, but not JC!! You know why I didn’t talk about JC? Because he doesn’t matter any more. He does not control me or consume me any more. I look at a picture of him and feel ill at the thought that I actually loved someone who was capable of the things he did. I don’t know who that woman was who allowed a man to treat her with such disrespect, who thought her life wasn’t worth living because he said so. As we were parting my HF yelled after me as I walked to my truck, “Hey! Carrie, you looking really good!”

I laughed and said, “thankyou! Wait until you see me with my new teeth, I’m gonna be HOT!” and I meant it.

Now I just have to get out of this damn trailer and I will be able to truly move on. I’ll fill you in on my career plans another post when I get some things lined up but I am excited.

Oh! And out of the blue my camera on my phone just started working again! Go figure! Things are looking up, could it be true that when you cut the evil out of your life it makes room for the good to come in? Stay tuned to find out. ūüėČ

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Thankful For The Memories

I used to love all of the traditional holidays, and as much as I love Christmas and the decorations I think my favorite holiday has always been Thanksgiving. It was my favorite because you got the big turkey dinner, the family get-together and none of the commercialized gift crap.

I started a tradition at my Thanksgiving table that as we ate we would go around the table and everyone had to say what they were thankful for. It didn’t matter what had gone on in someone’s life they were still expected to come up with some thing.

Years ago before Kris was born Victor, my 1st husband had lost his brother in a tragic fishing accident. They had been fishing and drinking out on the lake in early spring so the water was extremely cold. The boat flipped, there were three of them and only two life jackets. Victor was going to swim for help, he was the most physically fit. Don was a big guy, couldn’t swim and was panicking so they got him in a lift vest first. Victor’s brother, Micheal,¬† was wirey and probably weighed 75 – 100 lbs less than Victor and had the other life jacket on. They decided Victor should stay with Don because he was stronger and could keep Don from drowning and Micheal would swim to shore for help.

Michel and he argued about the life jacket, Victor wanted Michel to wear it and Micheal wanted Victor to wear it. Micheal agreed to keep it on but he swam a ways and then turned and threw it back to Victor.

They waited and waited; it wasn’t that far to shore; but it was dusk and they couldn’t see if Micheal made it. Finally after calling out and not getting a reply Victor left Don and swam to shore. He ran down the road calling for Micheal, nothing. Then a truck came by and they hadn’t seen any one.

They got Don out of the lake, but they had to drag the lake the next morning and found Micheal, he had drowned only a few yards from shore; they figured he had succumbed to the cold. Victor had a horrible time dealing with his brother’s death and at the reception we had at our house after the funeral he ran off down the street so consumed with grief I imagine he was trying to out run it.

I went to go after him and my older brother John (a weight trainer, who was solid muscle) stopped me and said he’d go. A while later I saw the most heart wrenching scene I have ever seen; coming across the front lawn was my brother with tears running down his face packing Victor in his arms like a baby. He packed him into the bedroom and tucked him into bed.

That Thanksgiving my mom was cooking the Turkey and she thought it would be too painful for Victor to say what he was grateful for so she didn’t do it. When we got home Victor said,”We didn’t say what we were thankful for this year” I told him my mom didn’t think we should because it would be too hard on him. He said,”But I’ve been thinking about what I was going to say for weeks.” I told him to phone my mom and tell her.” So he did. Micheal loved the thankfulness thing and would have been proud of his brother.

Another favorite Thanksgiving was while I was living at Cultus Lake. It was a fall similar to this year, very warm sunny days and brisk cold nights. The salmon were spawning, the crowds of summer had left until next year, the lake was like glass and the full time residents were out walking enjoying having their lake back. I wasn’t going to do a big dinner, my mom and step dad were on vacation, my cousin had plans, it was just Kris and I and I was quite looking forward to not having a house full. Then my brother called and asked if he could bring a date for Thanksgiving dinner.

Me: Oh! uh! sure! See you tomorrow, whenever you get here will be fine.

I jumped in the car and ripped down the hill to buy a turkey. There was no time to thaw a turkey so I had to spend the extra money and buy a fresh one. It was bar none THE best Thanksgiving dinner I have ever eaten or cooked. I kept it simple, Brussels Sprouts in a cream sauce, home made stuffing, no sausage, or nuts; just good old fashioned bread stuffing with fresh herbs from my garden. mashed potatoes, sweet potato broiled with brown sugar glaze, corn, and my favorite casserole of broccoli, cauliflower and Durkee onions. I had everything prepared the night before so it was just a matter of popping things in the oven.

I put the bird in the oven and walked to the lake, stopping to have a chat with my girlfriend Tina on the way. She joined me for a glass of wine on the dock. It was such a beautiful day, so warm I decided to take a dip in the lake with my clothes on,and was just going up to the house looking like a drowned rat when my brother pulled up with his “flavor of the week”, a gorgeous model. I got changed and we went for a long walk, played in the playground.

My brother pushed me on the merry go round until I couldn’t walk and thought I was going to be sick, then we wandered home. I had no idea how long to cook a fresh turkey but before we even opened the door we could smell its deliciousness. Dinner was flawless and we ate until we had to undo our pants moaning and groaning asking each other,”Why do I always do this?” They stayed the night and I sent home leftovers for both of them. It was a glorious day.

This year I am thankful I have memories like that; so many wonderful memories.

Even the last year JC and I were together; he had told me he wanted me to move out, his sister was still staying with us and his mom had given us a turkey. The bird wouldn’t fit in our tiny oven so I decided to cook it on the barbeque. As always I made my own stuffing and this time I kept dinner really simple but it was so tasty. I wrote JC and his sister each a letter saying what about them I was thankful for. It was a very nice dinner, bitter sweet because it was like the last supper but we had good conversation even though JC had to say it was nice to finally get a decent meal. I went to bed alone.

In the morning there was a letter from JC on the table for me and he had shoved one under the door of his sisters bedroom. They were nice letters; too bad he didn’t mean what he wrote. Mine was blank on the first 1/2 and he started by saying,”I have no idea what I was supposed to write above.” Then he said he needed to change his attitude and promised he was going to change, things were going to change……for the better. Two weeks later he made us miss his nieces wedding.

Ah well. I am thankful I no longer hold false hope that he will change. I recently heard he has not changed at all. I’m not surprised but it is little consolation.

I am thankful I have healed as much as I have and I actually go days without crying.

I am thankful for everyone who visits my blog, them sharing their stories has helped me more than I ever thought it would and more than they could know.

I am amazed and thankful that I have had almost 43,000 hits and almost 200 followers. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would reach that many people.

Every time I check messages and there is one that says “thank god I found this site” or “You literally saved my life” I am thankful I started the blog and I am accomplishing what I set out to do.

I am thankful my son is working and happy, although I miss him horribly.

I am thankful he messaged me yesterday and said, “Everything is going to be ok. I love you” .
I messaged back. “Why do you say that!? Are you ok?? I love you too Honey”.
His reply: Lol I was being supportive; I know you’ve had a tough couple of years.
Me: Oh! Thank you but stop it! you had me worried.

I am thankful that my puppies love me.

I am thankful that I am not sleeping in my truck.

I am thankful I have hope for a better future because last year I didn’t have any hope. And without hope life isn’t worth living.

I am thankful I laugh regularly now.

I will be thankful when this weekend is over and I don’t feel so lonely.

     HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! to my friends all over the world. Tell me what you are thankful for this year or share a Thanksgiving memory.

Letting It Be

One of the things I learned through the 10 years I was with JC was that some times you have to let things play out. I used to make things happen, but there was no way you made JC do anything. Plus for the most part while we were together we were leaving it in God’s hands, we prayed alot and I drew alot of peace and strength from that. Since JC, I haven’t gotten the same sense of being at peace when I pray. Before I met JC I wasn’t a “nonbeleiver” but after I met him and his mother my belief grew very strong, and it has just been gone since things turned bad the last time we were together. You csn’t laugh at me but I actually thought God had brought us together and whenever we were about to break up my truck woid break down or he would get injured and circumstances (God) brought us back together. Naive eh? It took me 9 years to believe anyone could purposely sabotage someone’s vehicle or purposely injure themselves. I was always waiting for him, to go to the store, to go to Christmas dinner, to take me to emergency, you msme it I waited. When day after painful day I waited for my truck to be fixed I learned patience and I learned to wait,¬† it was out of my control; I had to let it go.

Yesterday I woke up and needed smokes so immediately got up and took a sleepy eyed Laila for a walk to the store. It was peaceful, the sun just coming up, me in my pj’s, macassins, sweatshirt and no contact lens in. Au natural! Poor neighbours!! I went in (couldn’t tell you who was in the store but it was crowded ) and the smell of bacon and eggs made my stomach growl. I got a cup of coffee and the newspaper and made some small talk with the little Chinese lady that consisted of alot of smiling, hand gestures and head nodding, then headed home.

I wasn’t looking forward to working and had $40 and 1/2 a tank of gas so didn’t feel panicked about making money so I sipped my coffee, ate the rest of an apple pie and read the paper front to back. I didn’t get out of the house until after noon with a “come what may attitude”.

I have been really plagued with indecision about what I should be doing with my life, whether I should give up on scrap; I am just not able to do the job the way I like. But I don’t know what else to do; work at Tim Horton’s or WalMart for $10 an hour part time? But yesterday I decided to let it go. My first pick up was one of my favorite customers, Symons Tire, I love those guys; and then I dropped my weedeater at another customers, Prospect Equipment and once again enjoyed some easy banter. From there I zipped out to a new customer I picked up last week, the distribution centre for MTF stores. They had 3 pallet jacks to be picked up. I was very proud of myself that I got one on the truck all by myself. It took a bit of doing and I was laughing out loud by myself as I struggled with the damn thing; but with a chain, a load binder and using my sides as a ramp I got the job done and it was time to head to the scrap yard. When I got back to Abbotsford I drove past Home Depot (also a customer) and saw they had some scrap out. I was loading it when a couple of guys yelled out loud”Hey! Lady Witha Truck, how are you doing today?” one of the guys was hanging out the window but I didn’t recognize him. I waved anyway and yelled back,”Great thanks”. I went back to loading and then heard a voice say,” It is you! I saw the pink sign on the truck door and thought it must be you”. I turned and saw a homeless guy I’ve talked to many times in the past, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten his name but I greeted him with as much enthusiasm as he had greeted me. He asked where my big truck and the crane went. I told him I had to get rid of it. He said,”wow, that’s too bad, you were really a force to be reckoned with, like you were my , well, you were like my hero. You were really doing it, better than the guys.”

Me: Shit happens you know?

Guy: Yeah, don’t I know that!.
Guy: I am so happy I ran into you, I’ve wondered where you were. Hey I have something I want to give you, you’re gonna be so excited when you see it and if you don’t mind I’d be honored if you take it. He pulled the lid off a rubber maid container he has strapped to a small trailer he pulls behind his bicycle.

Me: That’s a nice set up you have there.

Guy: Yeah its everything I own, a down sleeping bag and another one that I use as a mattress, a change of clothes, that’s about it.

Me: you’ve got it very neat and it stays dry and it looks good. The guy proudly pulled the lid with a bit of a flourish: Now you can see inside.

Inside the container his sleeping bag was neatly rolled up, his clothes folded and he pulled everything out to get a towel from the bottom. Wrapped in the towel was a pair of wire cutters he hands to me: They have a life time warranty at Canadian Tire. He says.

Me: wow! That’s super, I can always use wire cutters. Would you be offended if I gave you $5 for them?

Guy: I didn’t expect anything for them but if you want.

We talked for awhile about scrap prices, where he sleeps at night and I asked him if the cops leave him alone and he said yeah except to wake him up to make sure he isn’t dead.

Me: You know…..if it weren’t for the generosity of a friend who lets me live in his trailer I’d be sleeping in the bushes right along side you.

Guy with a wink: I wouldn’t mind and he giggled nervously and I just wanted to give him a hug.

Me: I had better get going.

Guy as he extends his hand: I sure am glad I ran into you!! You are a really special lady you know.

I shook his hand and thanked him.

Me: you take good care now ok? And we waved goodbye. I got to the scrap yard and as I went over the scale I hear, “You’re breaking the scale!!!” and turn to see a nice looking guy who haul scrap and we laughed. They called him back into the office and I yelled,” Your in trouble now”.

As I back up to the scrap pile to unload the owner Carlo gives me a wave and walks over to the truck: Hey Carrie, how are you today?

Me: Great! And you? Carlo looks tired and is covered in dirt but he flashes me a big smile of perfect¬† white teeth that seem brighter because he is so dirty: busy day but I’m good.

I unload and go over to the nonferrous section. I am unloading my nonferrous and hear,”Hey Lady Witha truck!” and look up to see another fellow scrap hauler and give him a wave. As I walk into the office another one of the regulars, an older guy I see there often greets me with: Hey smilie, you staying out of trouble?

Me: Of course! I’m too old to get in trouble.
Him with a snort: Too old.
Me as I pushed past him: excuuuuuse me, coming through. And everyone in the office laughed.I got $120 and it wasn’t even 4 pm yet. I took the dogs for a much needed pee and walk and then went to Shoppers drug Mart for some face cleanser. When the cashier rang up my order she asked if I wanted to donate to their cause. I asked what the cause was and she replied 100% of what they collect goes to help women who have been in abusive relationships. I told her to add $5 to my bill. She was squealing with excitement! “You get to sign a butterfly!” she explained $1 you get a leaf, $5 a butterfly and an acorn with $10 and she’s only had people donate $1 so far. I had a laugh and told her I was in an abusive relationship and we discussed how emotional abuse is much harder to heal from than physical abuse. She is young but very mature and I tell her about my blog. From there I go to the grocery store, there’s a guy a guy playing the guitar, he’s pretty good, has a raspy voice and is singing a country song that got me feeling like a dance. Just as I get to the door a guy is walking out, I don’t recognize him but he says, “Your trucks keep getting smaller Lady Witha Truck.” Me: ALOT smaller! And laugh.

I grabbed a few groceries, took the dogs for a walk stopping half a dozen times to let people pet them. Laila performs and gives high 5’s right on cue. A lady leans out as she drives past, “Hey are those Shar-pies? They’re beautiful.

Me: Dad and daughter” thanks yes they are!

We get back in the truck and as I drive past the guitar player I feel I should be giving him something but I’m heading home and don’t want to stop. I get to the first intersection and turn around. I pull up, stop the truck and throw $3 in his guitar case as he sings “You gotta know when to hold them. Know when to fold them. Know when to walk away and know when to run.” I smiled at him and said,” Have a good night”.

I think I got my answer today

http://www.cptryon.org/prayer/special/serenity.html

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
Change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Yesterday I felt I was exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment in time and I was at peace. One day at a time.

Love to you all.

Heaven on Earth

The kiss of the sun for pardon,
The song of the birds for mirth.
One is nearer to God in a garden
Than any place else on earth.

Dorothy Francis Gurney

The above is an exert from a poem by Dorothy Francis Gurney; I used to have a wooden plaque hanging in my garden with that verse on it.

Through the worst times of my life I have found comfort in my garden. When JC and I were at the resort I spent hours tending my garden, crying, praying for answers, praying for strength, praying for my son and my brother, praying to be given one more chance to save my boy, praying for serenity, and sometimes cursing God for giving me too much to handle.

I always came away from my garden feeling calmer, stronger; it was my refuge. It has been for most of my life. When I lived at the lake before I even met JC I would be out there with a flashlight and a glass of wine tending my garden. It seemed the harder the time I was going through the more beautiful my gardens were. Every year I dug up more sod for more flowers. The little English lady that lived across the street and could barely walk made her way across the road slowly with her walker and came up to where I was pulling weeds and she said, ” I want to thank you for your lovely gardens. I look out my window and your gardens take me back to my childhood and the lovely English gardens. You have a loving touch; I’ve watched you. I just wanted you to know you have given this old lady much pleasure with your gardens.” and she shuffled back to her house. I’ll never forget it and of course I cried.

When we were at the resort I couldn’t afford plants but all the neighbour brought over plants and bulbs as they thinned out their gardens, one brought over a filing box with tons of different seeds for me to pick from. It was a tough year emotionally, like I said, I did alot of praying. It was the most beautiful garden I’ve ever had.

Gardening is so community minded, it brings people together, gives them something to talk about. A person can be talking by and feel free to say, “Your garden is lovely”. Or gardeners are always so willing to share plants, advice, and ask questions. Somehow a garden removes fences, class distinction, age, and even gender, gardeners are all on the same team.

I missed my gardens this year, I planted gardens last year and got compliments but I didn’t take the time to enjoy them because I was on borrowed time there and was trying to work as much as possible. This year I did plant some, but lack of water took its toll.

I pray that someday I have a tiny place, nothing fancy, I’m easy to please. 400 sq ft would do me just fine, with a fireplace (there is nothing like coming home from a long walk on a brisk fall day and the house is toasty warm from a crackling fire) There are few things more rewarding than getting up in the morning to a cold house and finding a few red embers still in the wood stove because all that’s necessary is to pull ghetto damper and throw on a few dry pieces of wood and in minutes the house is warm again.
I want a kitchen big enough that I can cook a pot of soup or chilli or maybe a pot roast and have a few friends over to share my fire and a bottle of wine.¬† lots of windows to let the sun shine in and hang crystals in. And a covered porch to hang wind chimes and a wooden rocking chair so I can sit out there even when it rains. One wall of book shelves for all those books I keep moving with me and some day want to read, but they look good until then. ūüôā I love books.

A place I can paint. A freezer I can fill with baking at Christmas and maybe even some cabbage rolls and tourtierre. A bath tub I can fill with bubble bath and keep adding hot water to until I am pink and wrinkly.

And a tiny yard trimmed with gardens.

And never have to move; just grow old there, Grandma’s house. Where my son and grand daughter can come to visit and know there are cookies in the cookie jar and my son will go to the freezer and grab some frozen cookies and I can give him shit for eating them before Christmas.

That is what I pray for. Not much, nothing fancy; not a knight in shining armor to save me, no trips around the world. Just a little bit of heaven on earth. The sun for pardon, the bbirds song for mirth.

What for you pray for?

I Feel Like Dog Doo

My good God I feel and look like crap.

Long gone are the days when I could go a night without sleep and look great in the morning. I was awake most of the night; wide awake and sitting at the kitchen table at 12:45am, 2:30am, 5:15am and then got up at 7. It is now 10:30 and I wish to God I had a shower and a strong cup of the coffee. Neither is possible due to lack of water.

Kato is only following his natural instincts but I am at my wits end with these two dogs. Kato will not leave Laila alone, if he can’t be with her he will lick the blankets where she was laying. Groooooss

Laila is hating him in a big way, in a really BIG way!! I leave him at home during the day because I can trust him to not escape or destroy the trailer but I feel terrible leaving him alone like that. I have been getting home late because , well the other night I had to grocery shop and last night I was out of town for work and then had some errands to run and of course my commute is so long because of where I live.

I had to leave Kato outside last night because Laila tried to rip his throat out and he wants to LOVE her and does not understand she is his daughter. Yuck

Anyway he was outside crying all night, whimpering at the door. At 2:30 I woke up with a killer tooth ache and got up. Laila was asleep so I closed the bedroom “door” which is a cloth bifold thingy that does nothing to keep a dog in the room.

I opened the door and Kato came in and Laila flew out under the door like the Tazmanian devil and attacked Kato. She was full on attacking and not backing down. Kato was trying to eat so the food and water dishes went flying, but he was still trying to eat the kibbles off the floor while she was trying to rip his throat out.

I grabbed her by her choker chain and she still would not let go so I smacked her across the snout. I kept her in a head lock until he finished eating and then I had to put him back outside. Laila was just vibrating and at one point I thought she might bite me but aside from growling at me she backed down. I gave her a few good smack across the snout though to show her who’s boss and I am not going to let her hurt Kato.

My poor buddy, he is so mild mannered he didn’t even try to defend himself. He doesn’t deserve that shit. If I had a place with real rooms and real doors at least I could keep them both in the house in different rooms.

Now it is 4 am the next day. I had another good day money wise so I knocked off early and spent some time with Kato. We went frog hunting and to the river for water.

Then I spent some time with Laila, all the while keeping the two if them apart. I went to my girlfriends to use the internet and left Laila in the trailer and took Kato. He was thrilled to be able to come along and was kissing me and rubbing his head on my leg. Poor little buddy.

We got home later than I had planned because I was almost home when I realized I forgot my purse at my friends and had to go back. When I opened the trailer door it took me a minute or 5 to  absorb the sight before me.

Laila had almost scratched and chewed right through the door. There was insulation and screen door every where in the trailer. She knocked my French Vanilla coffee out of my hand covering me, her and the floor with hot sticky coffee. The fruit flies should love that!!

Sigh!

She really missed me I guess. Piss. Tonight Kato is sleep in the truck.

Knowing When To Fold Them

There is an old Kenny Rogers song that goes something like this:

“You gotta know when to hold ’em
know when to fold them
know when to walk away
and know when to run
Don’t count your blessings
while you’re sittin’ at the table
there’ll be time enough for countin’
when the dealin’ done.”

My apologies if I didn’t get it exactly right; its been alot of years since I heard that song but it has been playing in my head lately.

Hal really pissed me off the other day and I felt helpless to do anything about it. I hate, I mean really hate, being dependent on anyone, so really did not want to accept more money from Jim to get home that night.

It burns my butt to not be totally self sufficient and I can hear JC’s voice ringing in my ears,”See?! I told you you couldn’t make it on your own, I told you someday you’d realize all I did for you”.
But he was wrong, I see all the things he did to me not what he did for me.

When Hal started accusing me of avoiding him, demanding to know how much I was getting for the truck, and talking over me when I was talking and then getting angry with me for not shutting up and saying I was talking over him. I found myself getting frustrated because he was twisting my words and refusing to understand what I was saying. Then it hit me; I don’t have to put up with this any more from anyone, ever again. I know what is fair, I know what is right, and I know when I am being played for a sucker.

I was frustrated, crying and angry but I took control of the situation.¬† I know he is bad mouthing me and you know what? I really don’t give a shit, I don’t have time for that kind of highschool bullshit. Yeah he’s got $350 of my hard earned money and I got the “shaft” (excuse the pun I couldn’t resist) Like I said to Hal that night, “If I wanted to get screwed over I would have called JC.¬† I don’t need to go looking for assholes. You knew the position I was in financially and you took advantage of it. I am done with you. You have nothing¬† to say that I want to hear and I have nothing I want to say to you.” Sure I sat in a parking lot in Langley crying my eyes out, sobbing to the dogs about how unfair life is and asking them ,”what do I do now?”

Then I saw the dumpster behind me and thought, “Nothing like digging in a dumpster to take a girl’s mind off her troubles.” I got a really nice vase, a tall one, you know they’re about 2 & 1/2 feet tall? the kind that sits on the floor with tall grasses in it. It has a $60 price tag on it and I can’t find a thing wrong with it. I also found the cutest Halloween decoration, a Styrofoam pumpkin head with a top hat that just needs a bit of glue, priced at $25. Three nice sweat shirts, 3 cardigans; a white one, blue one and a black one and they all fit me. A few blouses and a dress and jacket in an oriental design I haven’t tried on yet. I also got some really nice smelling vanilla hand soap in a pretty clear glass pump dispenser that I gave to my girl friend and she loves,¬† she also picked out a glass flower ornament that she liked.

When Jim called to say he was in Langley I was already asleep with my head on Laila, one good thing about really bad times; you know a night sleeping in the truck isn’t going to kill you. The worst thing that happens is you don’t have a toothbrush in the morning, your contacts are stuck to your eyes because you slept with them in and you kinda look like a raccoon because your mascara is smudged.

Sure I fell into a depression the next day and wasted most of the day feeling sorry for myself and when every one told me I should have called the cops and when the guy who wanted to buy it offered me $400 and said he had a tow truck waiting to pick it up I told everyone, “I can’t talk about it right now, I can’t make a decision right now, I will have to get back to you.” and I weighed my options.

I call the police;
I know Hal is an N and I know he’s probably already done damage control, I have a 50/50 chance the police will even listen to me, I have nothing in writing and neither does he so it will be a he said/she said scenario and the cops probably can’t do anything and will tell me to take him to small claims. It would prolong dealing with an asshole and I really don’t need that in my life.

As it is Hal has cost me $850 ($350 I paid him, $300 I lost in the sale of my truck, and at least $200 I would have made on the job in Port Moody I missed and someone else picked up) Plus I’ve wasted more hours on that man than can be calculated because he is always late and if I hadn’t bought the other truck I wouldn’t have been royally screwed because he took so long fixing my GMC and I wouldn’t have had any way to make money to pay him.¬† I shudder to think about it and it makes me really angry but do I want to waste any more time on the asshole? Do I want him in my life in any way? No!!

Some times doing nothing is really doing the best thing. I don’t want to feed Hal’s need for attention through conflict.

So if I am not calling the cops my other option is to find a driveshaft, buy it and install it myself but that means I have to sit on the phone trying to track one down. Not having phone reception where I live means I will be cutting into time I could be using to make money. I need to make money because I am dead in the water without it.

So like the song says, “I decided to fold and walk away.”
I called the buyer and told him I can’t accept $400 could he do $500? He said he’d ask his son; yes they would go $500. He got a tow truck to pick it up and take it to his place. I said I have to work to make enough money to buy fuel to get the registration to him and he said not a problem. I did a few pickups that I missed last week when my truck was down, now there was even more. So I had a good money making day and got $279 for 3 hours work.

I called Jim and said I’d have his $550 by the end of the day. He said not to leave myself short, he would be happy with $300. I said I wanted to at least pay the $400 he lent me to buy the 1974 Chev. I also owed my girlfriend $100 and wanted to pay her.

So yesterday I was able to buy a jug of oil for the truck, a new pair of work gloves, stock my cupboards with groceries and dog food, and even bought myself a pair of cowboy boots at Value Village for $20. ( For whatever reason wearing cowboy boots makes me feel more confident, when I was still with JC he told me that when I wore my cowboy boots I had an air of confidence about me, that can’t be a bad thing)

Now that I have walked away from the table what are my blessings?
1. I handled it, I didn’t let the bastard intimidate me, I didn’t feed his sick need for drama and attention and walked away with my head held high.
2. The guy who bought the truck got a good deal and I was out $350. Oh well, I really like the guy who bought the truck and guess what! he owns dump trucks and rebuilds antique cars; what does that means? he has scrap! and he is going to call me to come pick up within the next week.
3. I could have spent all day
looking for a driveshaft and then gotten frustrated trying to put it in and possibly had to deal with Hal again today and wasted another day I could have been working. Instead I made almost as much as I lost ($25 less) big deal and today it is all ancient history; I can close that page and move on. It was 10:30 by the time I got to Jim last night but I paid him for the truck and that felt wonderful!!!
I paid my girlfriend and by midnight I was sitting at my kitchen table drinking a ice cold Mike’s Hard Lemonade and eating a turkey tv dinner.

With that out of the way I can focus on getting my butt out of this trailer and I have a few ideas about how to do it. I’m quite excited about one idea but will save that for another post.

Once I am out of here and have an internet connection I have a new career idea I am excited about and could put all my experiences over the past 12 years to good use. But that is a post of it’s own also.

So that’s all folks!
Like my blog says; Playing with the cards I’m dealt, the best I can. This time I decided to fold and walk away. Next time? who knows; I guess we’ll see what I get dealt in the next hand.

Hugs to you all.
off to work I go……hi ho hi ho.

(written Tuesday morning and posted on Wednesday)

What Was I Thinking

I was thanking my lucky stars, I could not believe my good fortune. I had seen my girlfriends meet men who treated them like queens and wanted to take care of them and my girlfriends let them.

In the past I had been ferociously¬† independent and self sufficient. I had listened to my dad and mom fight about money and laid awake at night listening to my dad threaten to take my brother and leave. I never wanted to rely on a man for anything, I wanted to be able to leave if I wanted I didn’t want to give up control or more than wanted to. It wasn’t so much me giving up control I guess I was afraid of giving the man too much power over me.

I didn’t want to control the man¬† either; I wanted a relationship based on mutual respect, honest communication, shared interests, and compromise, great sex would be a bonus.

I dated alot, I didn’t fall for men easily and if I didn’t feel a spark on the first or second date I moved on. If a guy “fell in love” too quickly I was completely turned off. If he was too possessive or tried to monopolize my time I was out of there. I don’t like conflict and I don’t like playing games so if a guy couldn’t handle honest communication I was history. My girlfriend’s boyfriends either loved me or hated me because I was my own person and I didn’t tolerate bullshit from men. One of my friends told me whenever she stood up to her boyfriend he would¬† say,” You’ve been talking to Carrie again haven’t you?”

I never cared about material things, only that a guy worked, in fact I have a real attraction for men with working hands. Soft manicured hands on a man has never been a turn on for me.

I think part of it is that I am 5’10” almost 11″ and I don’t feel feminine with a guy smaller than me. When a man holds my hand I want to feel a man’s hand. Hard to explain.

My whole adult life I have had a group of girlfriends I enjoyed spending time with and I like my alone time more than most people. When Victor and I were married he worked shift work at the prison and I quite enjoyed my nights alone. We had our mutual friends but we our individual friends also. I have always liked that line, “How can I miss you if you won’t go away”.

Because I didn’t need a man and was quite capable of providing for my son and myself and because I wasn’t materialistic and I had a soft spot for the underdog I had gotten tangled up with a few guys who weren’t too motivated to work but I had never been in an abusive or controlling relationship.

I had gone straight from Victor’s motorcycle accident to being a single mom. Then my mom and dad split and my mom practically lived with me for over a year she was so devastated. I had bought and sold homes, held responsible positions at work, married a man with 4 children and been step mom to them (and loved it and them I’m not saying I didn’t but lets face it; it was alot of work and I always put 100% into anything I do), Kris had not been an easy child to raise and he was now 17 and very independent. I had been the major bread winner in most of my relationships and now I was ready to be pampered a bit. I really felt that it was MY time.

I was ready to relax and enjoy my life and enjoy a loving relationship without worrying about kids, exs, daddy weekends, school supplies, not making too much noise having sex because some little ears might hear. I was at the prime of my life and I had just met the man of my dreams and I was going for it.

JC was a little too demanding of my time for my liking but he was so good to me and I had passed up nice guys before so I fought the urge to dump him when I felt clastraphobic.

He wasn’t working (which I thought was the reason he was wanting me around so much, he was bored) but had graduated top of his class in water sewer technology and was looking for work but he always had money and didn’t mind spending it. He was always wheeling and dealing, buying things out of the Buy & Sell and reselling them, trading things; it amazed me how he could make money that way.

Sundays we would hop in the car and just take off, destination unknown. We would blitz Vancouver, stop at a pub and share a burger, visit a friend, cruise pawn shops and second hand stores. He wanted me to meet all his friends and his family. I’ve read dating advice articles on what to look for to make sure the guy isn’t hiding anything and JC was doing everything right. He had Mr answer his phone for him, took me to meet family and friends, didn’t hesitate to introduce me as his girlfriend,¬†¬† he gave me a key to his apartment¬† so I could come and go as I pleased. He was always on time or called been if he was going to be 20 minutes late.

If he went to the corner store he wanted me along, he always wanted me along. (which annoyed me sometimes because it was only through corner store, but it wasn’t a deal breaker).

We laughed, alot, in public we played off of each other, we were in sync. I have a thirst for knowledge and loved talking to him because he knew something about every thing and he didn’t mind explaining things. We discussed the environment, the world situation, religion, things that not every one likes to talk about. We watched documentaries instead of sitcoms. He was the only man I’ve ever known to spend $500 on Partylite candles. We both loved aquariums and spent hours looking at the fish and hundreds of dollars buying fish. He found a 90 gal aquarium and we filled it with discus. Every Sunday we would buy more fish. Money was never a problem. He left me little love notes that were waiting whenever I arrived before he got home, or if he left before I woke up, he bought me flowers, and he told me he loved me often.

He was always pointing out how well we got along. He told me how it was so refreshing to be with a woman who didn’t play games and could talk about problems calmly and rationally. (when he got with the new woman he told me she was so calm and rational he could talk to her, they never fight; she was nothing like me) I had said, “I am sure she is a frickin’ saint, I don’t want to hear how wonderful she is. When she’s been with you 10 years like I have you get back to me and tell me if she’s still so calm and rational.”

He cried the first time he said he loved me, he said he had thought he knew what love was before but now he knew what real love felt like.He told me I was perfect the way I was and to never change.

He was the most even tempered man I had ever met. I am an Aries through and through so I tend to be emotional. If I get upset I let off steam and then get over it, he handled me perfectly. When I was upset about something he would pack me off to the bedroom, make me lay down with my head on his chest and he’d stroke my hair while I told him what was bugging me. Of Ncourse we would end up having sex but I always felt better. I remember laying in his arms, my head on his shoulder, the smell of him, the strength of his arms around me and thinking, “As long as we always have this, everything will be ok in the world.” I had never felt safer or more loved than I did when I laid in his arms. We slept wrapped in each others arms and would wake up in the morning exactly the same way.

Sure, he was lying to me about alot of things but I didn’t know it, (some things I didn’t find out about until 10 years later) as far as I was concerned he was incapable of lying, being unfaithful or being abusive. I was determined to not take his good nature for granted and to show him every day how much I appreciated him; not like the other women who had taken advantage of his tender heart.